Hunybea's Open Journal

Exactly what I would of said If I blogged about it

2009-06-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

Here is a link to my friend's blog who conveys almost to a T what I would of written or the thoughts I have had swirling around on the subject of Tiller and his murder. I know it's been over a week since this event but it's a big heavy deal and I have had so much going on but dying to blog about it. So if you are wondering what I have to say, Lazy Mary is pointing you here http://no-apologies-round2.blogspot.com/2009/06/vigilantism-is-bad-no-matter-who-its.html

The weekend recap

2009-05-03T19:42:00.000-07:00

I had a meeting at Central Office for work Friday. The nurse on staff is flipping out about the swine flue and MERSA and stocked us up on these masks and gloves and hand sterilizer. Gloves, yes, hand sterilizer, yes.. but this mask LMBO!!! Can you imagine me walking into your house with one of these on? I would think this would scare ppl more than anything.. If they are sick.. I am not going in and if I am sick... I am not going out anywhere. But yes as far as I am up to date with the news there have been 2 cases in Missouri reported but none near me. I do hear these masks are all the new fashion rage in New York.. where the virus has the most reporting in the country. In all honesty I think the virus is smaller then what this mask would hold out.

Me And My Old Many on my cell phone camera. Yes I love him even if he is starting to get big scary with where his wild imagination is taking him. If he keeps it up I don't know how much I can keep laughing it off and start to get real pissed off.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm!! wish I could of ate the whole plate my neighbors made of these yummy chocolates. The desire is there but my tummy is unwilling.

You may see the handsome fly teenager going off to the dance.. I still see my baby boy 3yrs old running around yelling his head off "I'm the Bam Bamm" I tried not to cry as he was getting ready or be too embarrassing. You know I embarrass him with any innocent comment and am rezined to not even ask how the dance went or how many girls he danced with or any of the natural questions you would ask.

And that's the weekend recap with pictures!

We were able to get the van back but its still a mess. Josh left tonight for out of town and I am determined to get this house all together for his mother. She should be here this time next week. And this time next week I will have missed my sis's baby shower and Mother's Day with my mom. They are still trying to convince me to come up even if they get me a ride and pay for it but it just isn't going to happen. *insert big pout here*

When will it be ok again?

2009-04-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to start... been almost 3 months since I have really blogged, confided and vented to what used to be my favorite thing to do for years... and now I have almost no desire to write, be online, or even look at my e-mail.

I knew things would be getting harder, a fire being turned up for our benefit, I just was not ready to face it and really grow. I am happy, no, not happy but content with just getting by, a nice comfortable spot to dig in, hunker down and wait. God must be laughing right?

One disappointment after another, feels like Satan is working OVER TIME on me and my family. But I don't want to give him all the credit either.. I am human after all and still have problems with this old dead flesh and not making the right choices. If everything is a test.. then I must be failing miserably. How far does God's Grace really go?

And I know I am not alone in feeling this way or going threw hard times. Forgive me for not keeping up and being in my own drama filled world.. I know that is not how it is supposed to be.

I woke up this morning to my van missing out of my drive way and nasty dark skid marks trailing from where it had been. Stolen?.. Nope.. REPO, with my purse and work papers still in the vehicle. I had to miss a day of work to figure out who, what, when and where and how to get my belongings back and what it is going to take to get our van back. Josh is out of town working (thankful he is working but so much for that no more working out of town promise) and tried to do what he can from where he is. I had figure out how to pay $50 to not even get to see my van but to have my things handed to me in a trash bag. So humiliating! After all is said and done it's going to be $2,000 to get my main mode of transportation back. We are almost half way threw the loan and it will be so ridiculous to let it go now. We are going to try everything we can to get it together by Friday but it may be longer.. if we can arrange for it not to be taken to auction. I have to have a car to drive for work.. or I am no good at that job.. I drive all over the county from client to client.

How many new lows can we face.. I dare not ask because I am afraid to find out the answer.

Along with all that I have to cancel my trip home to see my sister and mother next weekend for Mother's Day and the baby shower. You don't even know how excited I was to see them.. its been 2years since I have seen my family and I had already canceled going on ladies retreat last month with church because of issues going on at home with me and my husband. (am not even going to go into all that here and now.. gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

But wait.. there's more!! My mother in law is moving in with us. She needed a place to "camp out for awhile" and we are excited to have her but I thought I was going to have more time to set up and get ready for her. Originally we had talked about the weekend after Mother's Day.. but now it's moved up to Mother's Day weekend. I have little over a week to get soooooooooooo much done! And limited funds, if any to get by on.

Ok.. so that is the negatives, surely I can find positives to help lift me up some:

Times like theses you find out who your real friends are.
I love my Mother In Law and know I can learn alot from her (she is an awesome cook, she can sew, she loves scrapbooking and is very crafty,it's spring and she loves to garden and Josh still snaps to attention when she says his full name).
An extra hand around the house will be helpful.
I still have a job even if my schedule keeps fluctuating.
Josh is working and can be home on the weekends.
Maybe I can go visit my family instead when my sister's baby is born.
I'm still in a size 10 and really am just 10 pounds away from being at my H.S. weight (although that is not always a positive.. I get bad attention cuz I look so good lol and my hubby has become insanely jealous and that fuels other issues. I am teasing that I am going to gain the weight back and maybe that will make things better)

So when will it be ok again? I don't know. I know I feel alot better that I have vented here and got a few Me Time minuets doing it. I miss you blog and blog friends!! Things being ok is a relative state of mind maybe.. I really still want to believe with God all things are possible and I am still after all a princes because I am the daughter to the King Of Kings.. Daddy!!! Help!!!

After the day I had yesterday, I deserved a home spa night!

2009-02-18T06:48:00.000-08:00

I am going to try and NOT complain... but yesterday SUCKED!!! Work situations that I am obligated not to talk about and then extreme disappointment about a bra order that I had to cancel due to poor, very very poor customer service.. they lost alot of money from me and I will not be referring any one to Ann's Bra Shop ever again. I used to L O V E that place. I have been getting my bras from them since I needed nursing bras with Lilly and Sophia. I would tell everyone I know who needed good foundations that was THE place to go and worth the little extra. There is amost nothing in the world to make you feel so good about your self then a bra that fits correctly. But not anymore. I went three weeks ago to use the gift certificate Josh got me for Christmas. I got fitted and found the style I really liked (since the one I loved was discontinued in my new size). They only had one color in my size so I ordered 3 more in black and white. When I find something I like I try and stick to it, I hate change. It was promised to arrive in a week and I would be called. Two weeks went by so Josh and I went up there to check if it came in... THEY HAD BEEN PUT ON THE FLOOR AND SOLD! So I reordered them last Monday with direct shipping to my house.. they promised it would be here by Friday. I also bought an expensive swimsuit (it was 50% off but still pricey for me) Well the bra's had not come so we called up there yesterday..... and they had JUST ordered them the day before and said it would take 2-4 weeks to come in. I am leaving this week and I only have ONE bra that fits right! I normally don't go off on people but this was too much. I got a refund and Ugh, now I have to go bra shopping! Do you understand how much I dislike shopping??

But talk about the gift that keeps on giving. For my Birthday I received a nice goodie bag of spa products from the church I was a guest speaker at. I almost forgot all about it but decided I deserved a nice long soak in the bath last night. I rediscovered all the marvelous bath products. I will be raving about Village Naturals brand for ever and ever. I already had some of their stress relief and muscle relief lotions but the mineral bath soak and body scrub was new to me. I started with the bath soak and used a really nice facial mask. Then I used the sugar body scrub. I smell like sugar cookies now (hubby can't resist, its his fav cookie lol) Then I used the feet lotion and socks over night. I am soooooooooooo soft and refreshed! My skin looks awesome! I need to do that more often.

Aww.. today is another new day. Positives.. I don't have to get up at the butt crack of dawn every day for work anymore. I have a little extra time at home (Josh has been whinny about how much I have been working lately.. now he gets his wish but less money). One more day till I go on vacation!!!! I get to pack today and am sooooooooooo excited about my get away!! The only negative today.. I have to get out of bed LOL.

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT

2009-02-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day! Today is supposed to be all about L O V E. For some it is just another day, a made up holiday. For others a day set apart to be with your sweetie and be all gushy and gooey.

So much as been written about Love, songs, books, poems. Money may make the world go round but Love is the axis it spins on. I was pondering on the word Love and what God has to say about it.
"What's Love Got To Do With It" Tina may sing but God says love is EVERYTHING, everything has to do with love.. its about relationships, with him, with you, with the world. Love is not just a feeling but an action

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. "
"For God so Loved the world"
"Greatest of these is love"
"Love eachother as I have loved you"
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

I've come to the conclusion I have to love everyone.. I may not have to like people all the time but I am compelled to love. God loved me so much he died for me, forgave me, and redeemed me. If he did so much for me, what little thing is it for me to share that love with others?

How do you love people in a wicked world? Trying to figure that out and work past some of my own hurts and pain. But I do know that to love some one you tell them the truth, you don't lie, and you are in many ways a servant who does what you can and try not to expect anything in return, rewards come later. Do I do that? I try, but I am not perfect (yet). Do people take advantage of me.. yup but there is a peace when you do what you know you were commanded to do. God can take what was meant for harm and work it for his glory. He knows my heart and that is all that matters.

So if I have done something nice, it's not because I am fake or trying to somehow gain something . It is just part of my new nature. Kindness, a smile, a hug, or just a listening ear sometimes makes all the difference in some one's day.. in their life!

GOD LOVES YOU!
I LOVE YOU TOO!!

Uptate on my health. Before & After Pics

2009-02-07T05:24:00.000-08:00

Me NewYears Eve 'O7

Me two weeks ago

Back in January I mentioned that I was going to the doctors for a physical. My weight loss has been concerning to some of those close to me. Since October my appetite has drastically changed and I have lost a ton of weight. I can't say the exact amount.. I refuse to own a scale but I go by how my clothes fit. I've gone from a 16/18 in jeans to currently a 10 and have gone down a cup size in bras.

When I did weigh in at the doctors I thought the scale was lying at 185.. surely I weigh less but maybe I was just that fat before and am now coming to realize how overweight I am. I look like a totally different person from a year ago. I went to the doctors again for follow up and have lost another 10 pounds in just 4 weeks. My first thought was... WOW just 25 more pounds and I will weigh about what I did before I had my first child... and I did the math in my head on how long it would take to get there if I kept at the rate I am at. I really want to start exercising and maybe join a gym to stay motivated.

My doctor did blood work and a chest x-ray last month. The chest x-ray was normal. THANK GOD. But my blood work ,the white cell count was up. She placed me on one of those 5 day antibiotics and retested me. It went down but not enough to make her happy. I went back in this last week for the follow up and told her maybe to test my urine.. I can have infection with out even knowing. We talked about that and my teeth. That seems to be her conclusion. I do have a slight blatter infection and I have to make my teeth a priority. I have no doubt my teeth may be a big cause of infection right now. When I had my wisdom tooth pulled in September the oral surgeon said he would not pull any more until I went to the dentist and came up with a plan. I know they all got to go and I need fake ones. I have known that for 5 years but have not had the money or the courage to get it done. Well dang.. I guess I can't keep putting it off if it is effecting my health, huh? It would be nice to have a big toothy smile again.. notice you will not see any pics of me posted with a open smile? They are bad bad.. a big source of embarassment for me. I almost don't want to go see my friend untill I have it done but the flight is booked, no going back now.

I asked my doctor if she was concerned about my weight loss and my appetite.. No not really. She seem to agree with me that my stomic has changed and it is my choice that I am loosing weight.. if I don't want to.. then eat more. That did not make my husband happy.. cuz he sees me at dinner time agonizing over a full plate of food.. wanting to eat it but only able to have a couple bites. Sometimes I am on the verge of tears because I am so mad that I can't eat what I really want to. Maybe what I really want to eat is not healthy and is too much in the first place. I look at the portions we give the kids.. portions I can't even eat right now. They finish it easily and ask for seconds. IDK.. maybe Josh is right.. I am developing an eating disorder (I say that in the most sarcastic, joking way possible, so not the case here)

So I am on another round of antibiotics and have an appointment in three weeks with the doctor...again. Now I see why my clients hate having all those doctor appointments!

We got our taxes back and have paid on bills. I need to let this sink in and be happy about it... THE HOUSE IS ALL CAUGHT UP! WE ARE OFFICIALLY CURRENT!!! That is so much stress off of us. Now if we can keep the payments perfect for the next year we can refinance. Spring is coming and work should be opening up for my hubby and I am due for a raise at my job. If anything is going to be good for my health and stress level it will be that. Josh getting back to work and us having our bills paid! We are doing ok now.. but it is a balancing act. I know its the same for almost everyone right now. I can't tell you how many people I know and meet that are laid off or are about to be. Missouri has one of the highest unemployment rates and they say it has not been this bad since the 30's. The state had to BORROW money from the fed to cover unemployment and I know they are making people jump threw hoops to get the small amount that is supposed to be available to those who qualify.

Planning a trip to TX

2009-02-05T21:24:00.000-08:00

I love MYSPACE. Thanks to it I have gotten back intouch with so many old friends in the past year. It's awesome!! I have found with some people you can go 15yrs with out talking and pick right back up. and other people well.. maybe there is a reason they were out of your life in the first place (lol jk). Times and seasons.

I had moved around a lot growing up. I really don't have one particular place that I feel like is a home town. Around here in rural MO everyone you meet the first thing they ask is "where ya from" because you know it's obvious I am not from around here lol. Instead of taking 10 min to explain I went to 5 different high schools, lived in three different states, and been in this area for over 3 years, I say "I'm from all over". Just easier and quicker that way.

When I find some one from my past and actually get to talk and catch up, it's like roots. They knew me way back when and knew MY FAMILY. They can in some ways understand certain things about me and in another laugh at how I am so different now or in some ways the same. A connection to my past that for some reason God is bringing my way.

I am so excited to be planning a trip to TX to see one of these friends from way back. Hoping to be going at the end of the month for a long weekend. A mini vacation, a girls weekend and no kids or hubby. This will give me a chance to recharge and come back with different perspectives and appreciations. Sounds like I am going to need to dig out some summer clothes! And besides I have always wanted to see the Alamo.

NOT AMUSED

2009-01-22T21:01:00.000-08:00

I think some one is messing with me.. its not cute, I have enough crazy in my life. STEP OFF SATAN!

I have been pretty lax with my e-mail so I have just about over 400 of them sitting there but I browse threw them when I can and try and read the personal ones and skip the dozen or so lists I am subscribed to. This week I noticed all of a sudden I am getting welcome e-mails from Parents.com and Huggies, and Babynetwork and the such.. like DOZENS of these in the last few days. And I am not just talking a generic greeting but with my full name and sometimes my home address for confirmation. The first one I opened was one about due date calculator and stages of pregnancy... I have to tell you the truth, my heart wretched and sank as far as it could. And just now one about how my baby is now 3weeks old and how to deal with the sleep deprivation. If you remember I have been going threw baby craving badly lately and I have just about reconciled the fact that I am having no more (although embryo adoption perked my ears when I heard about it on the radio the other day). And I am having all sorts of emotions springing with this being the big week for Pro-Life events... the worst time for anyone to EVEN JOKE about me and babies! I am crying at the drop of a hat.. hormones in part likely but THIS does not help what so ever. I would like to assume the best but it feels like a very cruel slap right now. I have questioned the kids to see if they signed up on accident on lists or entered my e-mail on any webpages.. ofcourse they didn't and never would with out permission first but the only pregnant person I know personally is my sister who is 5months along and she would never use my address for anything. She lives in a whole other State. I just find the whole thing messed up and crap that I have to unsubscribe to all these e-mail list about a sensitive subject right now, that I have no clue how I got on!!

If that was it, ok what ever but things are getting strange. My cell was cut off two days ago and I am going threw major withdrawals.. I depend so much on my phone and helps me feel connected and available if anything happens to the kids while I am at work. I don't have a work number I can be reached at... I am all over the place for work and my cell is MORE than a convenience to me. Likely the cells wont get back on till next week if we can pay the bill. I NEVER give my home phone # out for work until now and even then it was to only 3 people, trusted people. When I got home today on my answering machine was a message for a lady saying she had a message to call _insert boss's name_ at this number and how disappointed no one was available, she really needs to make an appointment.. she talked with _boss's name_ and would like a call back. and left her number. It matched up with the name and number on the caller ID. I can't even go into all the ins and outs but that is NOT how things are done and it was very off. My number is no where near the office number, not even the same area code or county. Ofcourse I right away called my boss asking if she knew this lady and what she was talking about, did I miss something and all that. My boss had NO CLUE what or who I was talking about and said she would NEVER give my home number out like that and that I should disregard it, maybe some one got confused. OK I can understand clients getting confused, I work with elderly people but SOME ONE gave this person my number and how ironic that it's my private home number. Call me paranoid maybe but I just don't like it nor appreciate it!

I am seriously getting weirded out!

~Wearing Black For The Rest Of The Week~

2009-01-21T13:36:00.000-08:00

Showing off my necklace & earrings I got for my B-day

My Birthday Princess Tiara

I wish I had not waited so long to blog about last weekend and my Birthday. Now it's not fresh and I don't even know where to start, I really want to write about why I am wearing black for the rest of the week.

I'll just keep it short and sweet. Holding on by what it feels like just fingernails but I am looking forward to that turn in the bend, I have to hope its up ahead. And I am resolved not to complain when there are so many blessings.

I was carried over the weekend, that's how I got threw it, thanks for prayers! My Birthday was about like the last few, can I still say I'm only 29? My Mom and siblings all got my age wrong lol but that's ok.

I watched the big Historical Presidential Inauguration of our 44th. And now you know why I am in mourning and wearing black. I cried down on my knees when Rick Warren was praying the invocation "Lord Mercy, I know there is no turning back now". For one, if you are into End Time study and avid news watcher.. YOU KNOW what I'm talking about and for another all the rivers of blood that will be flowing because this Pro-choice administration is going to repeal and make it all the more easier to continue this American Holocaust. I know everyone is overwhelmed with some kind of hope in our new Pres, I can't help but wish for the best too, but I am afraid this country IS going to get what she asked for and has no clue.

There is Hope, There is Healing, There is Forgivness, part of my story

2009-01-16T04:10:00.000-08:00

my memorial to my baby:
2And a certain man lame from his mother's womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple; 3Who seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple asked an alms. 4And Peter, fastening his eyes upon him with John, said, Look on us. 5And he gave heed unto them, expecting to receive something of them. 6Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk.
7And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up: and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength. 8And he leaping up stood, and walked, and entered with them into the temple, walking, and leaping, and praising God.

In so many ways I was that beggar at the gate called Beautiful. My wounds were not physical per say, but I did need healing and looked for outlets begging for a remedy. I could give you statistics and facts about post abortive women (and men) who link depression, drug use, relationship problems, spiritual problems, trouble connecting with children and some who may even abuse future children they may have, or seek a replacement baby, and some who can never have children at all because of that one choice. There is a saying, abortion doesn't solve anything but create more problems, you only end up with a dead child and a wounded mother.

When I had my abortion I was 15, had just moved back to a small town with my family for a "get back on our feet stay" with grandma. I had made the mistake of telling one of my friends about what had happen. I honestly don't remember telling anyone but I do remember my mom saying Don't Ever Talk About It again. God bless my mother, I love her so and have forgiven her for any part she played in the killing of my child but when some one is going threw post traumatic stress.. and that is exactly what it is like for a women/girl after she has gone threw it, the worst thing is to encourage them to stuff it down deep and never talk about it. But that is what I did. And that is normal apparently too.. many women can not face what has happen or what they have done for years after the fact. When they do face it they either become very pro-life or very pro-choice.. depending how they seek to heal.

I'll tell you how it effected me personally. I couldn't look at my family in the eye for a long time, especially my grandmother for some reason. Overwhelming shame but at first relief.. oh this problem is over. But I knew I had become yet another one of the family secrets that doesn't get talk about or if it does just not in front of me. I did get in a fist fight with my bother one time after he called me a baby killer in one of our verbal abuse sessions.. that was ugly. I had a lot of trust issues too, I trusted those who loved me to protect me and they basically lead me like a lamb to slaughter, and deep down I was so angry about that. I was angry and distrusting afterward at the father, who had real no say in the matter besides "dang not again" Apparently I was not the first girl in his life to kill one of his children but he didn't discourage me from it either. He was not the love of my life to say the least, I was on rebound and dealing with family issues when we got involved.. alcohol was in the mix and then I moved away.

I also had problems looking at pregnant women.. one of my friends at the time was almost 6 months along.. new friend and she had no clue what I was going threw, just that I had dropped calling her or being around her. It felt unfair that she got to keep her baby, even though I knew all the reasoning in my head of how I could not have mine, not mature enough, adoption was never even really talked about, we could not afford a baby. I don't remember going to alot of baby showers that is for sure and I don't remember being much of a babysitter after that or being into holding babies.

I tried to hide out in a hole for awhile but only got yelled at for never coming out of my room, that's not healthy and a sign of depression.. get out and do something.. do some house work. For awhile my mom and grandma tried to get us involved with the Episcopal Church, volunteering and going to confirmation classes. I didn't mind that too much, it was very interesting to me the history of why we do this or that in church but I really didn't come to Know Jesus then. I was too afraid to even speak to the Father of the church about where babies go when they die or how could I possibly atone for what I had done. I was just trying to pass time till I could get out of small town hell. And being involved in church didn't curb my partying at all or me seeking ways of escape, or stop having sex.

I wouldn't of called Zane a replacement baby but me just being another statistic. It was not on purpose but there is a big percent of teenagers who have had an abortion will with in 2years become pregnant again. I felt guilty of yet again messing up and at the worst possible time because my dad had just been diagnosed with lung cancer, but I said I would NEVER go threw what I did that last time and for what ever reason I just knew this child was supposed to be. No, at 17 it was not ideal for me to have a baby but I tell you in many ways he helped save my life. This is what I tell people, you never know what you are capable of until you give yourself the chance.

But I tell you what, going to that first OBGYN appointment was so scary. Should of never gone to a male doctor but I also was just not comfortable, there instruments, the stirrups, even the smell, I tried to push visions of the clinic down from my mind and that is probably why I was not the nicest of patients to have. I don't remember that doctor being very gentle either, he reminded me of the abortionist maybe. Thankfully when we moved I got a wonderful women doctor who I felt more at ease with.

Even after having children I can tell you I may not as close or connected to them as I can be. I love them, love love love them. I am thankful for them. I learn more from them then they may from me at times. But there is a heart break there too that I can't explain. Sometimes I DO push them away. I have four of the sweetest kids that love to give hugs and kisses and be close and just sit and talk about what ever comes up. Sometimes I just can't, that's enough love baby, let momma be for a minuet.

Thoughts that I fight.. that child would be this age, a big sister, what would she of done in this world, how would she be like my other babies, its not fair that my birthday is coming up and she will never have one, all the what if's and wasted possibilities. I grieve for this child. I miss being able to hold her, watch her grow, see the women she would become. And I know that is hard for some to understand, and there is a lack of compassion towards women who have had an abortion. That is one of the big reasons I speak and write, for women like me and maybe as a warning to others who may consider abortion as a way out of a problem.

For a long time I held all this in, didn't know what to do with it, and if you read my previous post about the first time I talked about it after becoming a Christian, you can see why some women may never speak of it, but God ripped it all open for me and I HAD to follow his leading. I didn't know where to start, just that I had to do something. That something was packing up the kids and going down to Granite City and be out there with the ministry that is always down there in front of that notorious clinic. I didn't know how hard that was going to be on me.. watching girls going in and out, knowing the pain that would follow them, knowing a child was thrown out. But on the other hand it was good to see that people who do go down to the clinics to protest or side walk council are not these crazies you read about, or that it is as dangerous as some think. But when my husband found out.. ohhhhh man.. he was not excited for me at all. He made me promise not to go down there again, to find some other out let. He's come a long way since in understanding but in many ways he was right.. I was not ready to be down there like that. My seeking lead me to a local PRC. I wanted to volunteer in anyway possible. But they had me do something even better. I call it one of the most important things I have done in my walk.. a post abortive Bible study with a book and a group of women. We used the book Forgiven and Set Free. Threw that study I learned alot about myself and MY God and it was so healing. I learned that what I went threw and how I reacted.. normal.. I am not alone or crazy, there are so many women hurting like me and feeling like I did. I learned how to forgive myself and the others who played a part in it. I learned it was alright to have the grief that I had and I didn't have to stuff it or hide it or be alone. I learned that when Jesus said on the cross before he let go, "It is Finished" he meant it was done.. the price was paid and I could not ADD or TAKE away from the cross or my salvation. I also learned with every confidence that I will see that child one day in heaven and she will love me and forgive me and I will see her grown as she should of been. I long for that so much and it is such a comfort to know that.

My main message here today I guess is, very likely you know a women who has gone threw an abortion.. you may not know that about them because they don't talk about it but she may be hurting. Or you may be that women hurting and not know where to turn. There is Hope, there is Forgiveness and there is Healing threw Jesus Christ!!

When Jesus was stepping out into his ministry he read from the book of Isaiah chapter 61, and then closed the scroll and said today this scripture has been full filled:

1 “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

That is one of my favorite scriptures because it describes to the letter what Jesus has done for me and the promise of what he will do for others. He healed my broken heart over the murder of my child and other past sins. He set me free from that pain that kept me captive in my own prison cell and free from being a slave to shame. He comforts me when I mourn and assures me of the time he will come back for me. He took the ashes of my life and made it beautiful, better than I could of ever asked for. He has given me such joy. And when I remember to put on the garment of praise.. that heaviness, that ugly spirit that likes to bring us down is lifted. Jesus has done it all, and I love him so much I have to share that love with you and others. I don't have to be that beggar at the gate any longer, I am healed in Jesus Name! So yes I am having a hard time right now but he is here with me doing all the above, and he promises he will do the same for you, if you let him!!

The first time I talked about it after becoming a Christian...

2009-01-14T02:09:00.000-08:00

Sophia was a baby (abouts 8yrs ago) when God opened a can of worms, or tore open my heart I guess you could say. I had been a brand new baby Christian for maybe two years or so, if that. I was one of those radical conversions, on fire, eating up the Word like food I could not live with out, a faithful church goer and making mostly friends at church since my "old" friends rejected me. I was well on my way to being a Jesus Freak. I was learning forgiveness and letting hurts of my past go, allowing God to change me from glory to glory, getting to KNOW, not just know about but actually KNOW Jesus, learning how to walk the walk. There is a reason "Lover Of My Soul" is my favioret praise and worship song. All my life I had been searching for that love, breaking all 10 commandments in the process. When God told me he LOVED ME, even with my past, that he loved me not for my looks or for what deeds I could or could not do for him, just because I was his child, his creation, and that he longed for me, even died for me, it was life changing.

Of course humans don't have or give that perfect love, even Christians. And we have trouble seeing our self and sometimes others threw God's eyes. You see I had this deep deep wound, I had berried it so far down, a thing so terrible I avoided it all together. I never talked about it with my new Christian friends, just couldn't bring myself to it and if it didn't come up in conversation, I wasn't going to be the one to bring that topic up. It may be partly because it was drilled into me never to talk about it, act like it didn't happen, because others would judge me and look on me poorly. It was one of those hurts I held back from, thinking foolishly deep down I could be forgiven for every past transgression but this ONE BIG ONE. But God, who loves me so much, wanted me to face that pain, so he could heal me and then use me to be a light to others. He was about to set me on that path of freedom.

A friend of mine, a mentor if you will, had me and another one of her friends over so the kids could play and us ladies could have some fellowship time. She was so concerned over her sister in law who recently found out she was pregnant and freaking on how to tell it to tell her parents and was considering an abortion. For the most part I bit my lip, didn't even know what to say all that was racing threw me. How could I explain the fear that was rising up in me, the sadness, or how I wished that pain on no one? Then as we were doing dishes.. or should I say I was watching them do dishes and hanging in the background I heard these dear friends of mine almost mocking women who do have an abortion and all the excuses they use..who could be that stupid, that depraved to kill their own child, almost laughing about it. Who could tell themselves this is an ok thing to do, who could believe it would help solve their problems, who could believe it is better to kill a baby then give it up for adoption, or that any amount of money is worth a life growing or this is an easy solution? Oh my, my heart broke so deeply right then and there. I don't think they were being malicious but there was lack of compassion and understanding that I didn't expect to see from them.

I can only say it was the Holy Spirit that day when I finally spoke up in my friend's kitchen. Their backs were to me as they were doing the washing and I softly said... "but that is what I told myself when I had mine" and a tear fell from my eye. These sisters of mine turned to me with such shock and genuine shame in their eyes for all they had been saying. I don't know if they ever personally knew a women who had had an abortion but I think that encounter changed some attitudes. And then later I asked if it would help if I talked to the sister in law about what she was thinking, that maybe if she heard first hand what it was like she would choose to keep the baby. That took courage for me because I was no where ready to have that kind of conversation. And I didn't have to be the one to talk with her, she went to a Pregnancy Resource Center and got counseling on the matter.

But for me that bandage that had been holding that big gash in my heart together came off and I had to do something to deal with it.

Why do I have to have teenagers already?

2009-01-10T05:45:00.000-08:00

I have four children (5 when I include Beautiful). Zane is 14, Annie will be 12 in March, Lilly 9 in March and Sophia is 7. I wanted, but you know we never get what we want, two boys and only ONE girl.. so the two big bros could look out for little sis right. LOL Yes God does have a sense of humour and saw fit to give me only one son and the poor guy is followed by 3 sisters. Ya the boys are out numbered around here.

If truth be told I didn't want girls at all for the simple fact of what kind of teenager I was and my mom always swearing that Grandparent's Curse on me. I wasn't THAT bad (I could of been worse) but was called The Wild Child a time or two. I don't know how I am going to deal with 3 little Mary's running around . Well.. to be honest my children are not so much like me in that way.. not yet. Josh and I have tried our best up till now to do it right so they will NOT be like us, give them rules and boundaries, pour love and family time into them and direct them to the Lord and keep them naive as possible of worldly things. I can't tell you how many people love these kids and think the world of them. I have been told Sophia IS my clone and IS going to be the wild one that WILL give me all the trouble (and I guess with our theme song being She's Got The Look by Roxette what can I expect. YES WE HAVE A THEME SONG LOL) . But today I am lamenting about my budding teenagers.

Last night Annie went to the Dare Dance. It is a big deal around here since we are so rural and there is not much for kids to do around here. Once a month the Dare Officers put on dances for 5th and 6th graders and another one separate for the Middle School. Last year Annie went to her first one and I cried as I dropped her off, another milestone. My main concern was that if she goes she actually has friends to hang out with not just standing by her self the whole time. She is my shy one, the quiet one, the introvert and hasn't really brought friends home are talked on the phone much yet. Oh how that is all about to change I think. The only thing I told her when I dropped her off last night was to have fun and to stay away from those country boys because they are trouble.

When I went to pick her up she ran out.. saying bye to a boy that I didn't even glance at. As we walked to the van she told me.. MOM I slowed danced.. TWICE! She was beaming and blushing, proud and nervous all at the same time. A boy named Austin she hung out with most of the night. Oh and don't you know he has a cell phone and asked if she was on ATT too so he could call her. Why can't she have a cellphone.. why she gotta wait till she is 13? LOL She said they were teased most of the time by ppl asking if they were going out and tring to take their pics.. but she said she had to get them to delete the pics and even knocked some one's phone out of their hands so they would (the girl is quiet but can be mean when she has too, she hates to be teased and I can see her getting into some fights down the road). I am so glad she had a good time but somehow this makes me feel soooooooooooooooooo OLD. Not fair! Now I have to go and have a "talk" with her about boys and kissing and all that fun junk.

Then my Son.. the boy with all the secret girl friends. I finally did get him to admit he had at least 3 girlfriends in the last year. He does talk to alot of girls.. "as friends" because he attracts all the drama mommas and he hasn't learned yet that sometimes girls do things just to keep boys attention. When we asked him what it meant these days to be "going out" with some one he really couldn't explain it.. ya just are. Big ol eye roll here @@ I did tell him he has to start watching out for Annie and be a nicer big brother then he has been. Ya he took that well lol.

Kissing is upper persuasion for lower invasion.. Thanks Rachel for that tidbit. We have taught our children about purity and how really dating should be only when you are ready to look for a spouse, and sex is so special it should be only shared with your husband or wife. Up until now it has been easy and they have been pretty receptive to that teaching. But it doesn't help when the world is encouraging bad behavior and secular friends are LAUGHING at me when I tell them our philosophy. I know I can't keep my babies from growing up.. I can try and delay it a bit maybe.. but really we want only good for them and to keep them from the heart break of some of the mistakes we have made. Isn't that what all parents want?

A start to my series on abortion this month

2009-01-09T02:56:00.000-08:00

Ok it is January.. time for me to talk about it since it will be the running theme for the rest of my month it seems. January is Sanctity Of Life Month, the 18th is what is known as Pro-Life Sunday and this month is also the anniversary of Roe Vs Wade. If any of you know me long enough you know my history and my strong views on abortion. I used to have a great webpage with my testimony and a memorial but was unable to transfer them when AOL shut down it's free webpages.

I was 15 when I had my abortion. I can't go into the devastation that so called choice has brought upon my life and keep it to a short post (I will go digging in my archives soon and do some re posting) But I tell you what, I miss that child ever so much and can't wait to see her when I get to Heaven. And my other children miss that sibling they never got to know too. January is the month I allow myself to grieve over who I have come to call Beautiful (named after the temple gates where in Acts the beggar was healed in the Name Of Jesus). She would be just over 16yrs old now, a big sister, and God only knows what else she would of accomplished in this world if she had been given a chance at life.

I know the Lord has brought me a long way in the healing process, so much so that I can publicly talk about it and on occasion be down at the clinics praying and talking with girls with other pro-life friends. For some, if not most women who have gone threw an abortion it is a word, an experience they can't even utter under their breath much less talk about openly. For me, ever since God brought to surface that deep wound, it is a subject I can't seem to get away from... he attracts some interesting ppl into my life and in some way or another he uses little ol me to show others how abortion hurts women, they deserve better and there IS help, hope and healing threw Jesus Christ. Women need compassion and love who have gone threw an abortion or warned before they go into this life altering direction

It is not something I ask to do, but God brings opportunities and what can I do.. say NO I don't want to Lord, use some one else Lord, How can I when I am not all together Lord? NO... because he gets the Glory for it when he uses people who are not the greatest yet enables them to be used where they have been hurt the most. This is why normally January I am all prayed up, armour on and ready to go. Yet this year I am startled, caught off kilter and not sure how or why he could possibly think I am in a place to do his will. Yet everywhere I go this month I know it will come up. Like yesterday at lunch with a friend. Some one overheard our conversation and had to join in. I'm used to that lol but my friend is not and was a bit miffed at the interruption. Here we were lamenting about some men situations and it came up about a girl she knew who asked her advice and didn't follow it and now is on the path to hurting over her decision, and then we got into our own stories a bit.. twilight.. huh that I don't think would help me forget every detail that haunts me or the before and after. And this women two tables behind us chimes in.. lol. guess we were being loud or some how gave her an invitation to join.. still an interesting conversation.

So just fair warning, this month if I have the will and time, expect more posting on this subject. Writing helps me prepare and get out what is in my head. I have been asked to be a guest speaker on the 18th for two services at a friend's church. I am not sure how I am going to be able to do it this month.. but I know I will and HE will give me strength some how.

Holiday Hangover.. if this is 2009 lets just jump to '10

2009-01-03T07:45:00.000-08:00

First off.. thanks to those who left comments and e-mails about my last post (I know it's been awhile).

I'll have pics of Christmas uploaded later, most likely to my MySpace if you want to see. As always the kids got just about everything they asked for (because they can be so easy sometimes) and I have to well up with gratitude for our Santa this year. We had not planned anything but one family gift to give and some sweet friends from Church went ahead and played Santa for us.

I wasn't even going to put up a tree.. but broke down because apparently the kids were going around crying about it to everyone we know how I am such a Grinch and there was going to be no Christmas this year lol. I just soooo was not in the spirit this year and I am soooooooooooo glad the Holidays are OVER.

I did get some nice things for Christmas.. gift certificate to Ann's to get me new bras (I'v lost so much weight and the girls have shrank), A very nice bracelet with 1Corinthians 13:13 theme (Faith Hope Love) some one wants me to have a reminder on my wrist I guess, a few Christian books, more bee themed art from Audra and the last and greatest... well let's just say I can't post pics and it is more for me and Josh and it was very painful.. it involves body jewelry and I'll leave it at that.

Is it just me.. it is only 3 days into 2009 and it is already crazy.. can you feel it??? The heart of men are growing colder, war in Israel, a Socialistic system is getting set up in America, almost EVERYONE I know is on hard times and families are being strained to the limit (mine included). I know what all it means.. and you would think it would make me run.. not walk but run closer to my God. I know he is there.. arms wide open.. waiting for this rebellious teenager of his to come home. But friends if I am going to be honest.. and I want to be since I call this my OPEN Journal, I am going just a bit off my rocker lately.. reasons too many to call out here.. a book deal is in the making (jk maybe). My fear is I am going to be in that category of people the Bible talks about.. hearts growing hard and that passage where the Lord says, I NEVER knew you, has always made me turn white. Am I questioning my salvation?? In a way maybe.. but I know deep down, with out a shadow of a doubt I am a daughter to the KING, I know my Lord and Savior, I know the Holy Spirit lives with in me.. I just forget sometimes because I have not been in communion like I should be and I have always had peaks and valleys in my walk. If I was not marked or set apart as his, would I even be having this conversation and wondering these things?

I don't want to be all gripping in this post.. I am happy for my sister who is now preggers (not fair) and I hope my mom and sis can get past what ever is going on with them (it makes me sad). I did get a nice letter from my brother in Prison, reminder to self.. write back and send him pics. Josh's mom has yet to call us and we are worried about her and the rest of Christmas had some real nice family stress on that side but we got past it I think.

And my most exciting but maybe a a bit worrisome news... Mary is now in a size 10!!! I need to get some full size pics of me and my new figure. Yes I am going to say it.. I look H O T! LOL A bit of exercise to firm up and I would be really FINE. (as if) Not that it matters and I don't want to draw too much of the wrong kind of attention. I made a really bad joke last week, I was sporting a T-shirt that was too tight before for me to wear but now is very loose and I told Josh "I may be dying of cancer but dang I look good". Josh did not find that funny at all and I told him if he was soooooo concerned about it he should make me a doc appointment. I am too busy and he has time on his hands with being laid off. The shocker is he actually DID make me one! Monday afternoon I have an appointment for a full physical and women's health exam.. blood work and all that fun junk. And I am going to have that conversation about my PMS I am sure I am fine, maybe a bit low on some vitamins and stuff (I have started taking a daily F.Y.I.) I am sure I am more healthy with out the weight then with it but it has been a bit concerning to my friends and family and hopefully this will calm some peoples fears about me. I'll keep ya posted.

I hope all my friends and readers had a great Christmas and New Years and I wish for many blessings to you all in this next year. Just remember, this too shall pass : )

A question for Ladies over 30 and PMS

2008-12-05T01:01:00.001-08:00

I'm 31 going on 32 (Jan 19.. better remember if you love me lol). Yes I know I don't look it.. thanks but I recognize my body is getting older and women's hormone levels change and what not. My last two cycles I have had the most outrageous case of PMS that I can ever remember having. It may partly be due to stress, cuz Lord knows I have been under so much of it lately but I am wondering if this also has something to do with my age. Normally I don't keep track and my period comes and goes with out much incident.. sometimes I feel what I call the ick's just before but hardly ever have cramps or the over the top emotions.. well yes always have had the chocolate cravings but other than that Aunt Flow's visits are not that disruptive.

Last month and this month I have been a raving B*tch. So angry at the world and can't control it. Cry fits like you wouldn't believe and ohhhhhh the pain.. I just want to crawl in a hole and die the week before and of. This is not normal for me what so ever. I almost want to feel sorry for the people in my life (if they didn't piss me off so much and almost always deserve the tirade) and I have had to do some apologizing for my harshness.

Also just before this period I had the biggest baby craving. Everywhere I went they were there or some one I knew was preggers. I would sooooooo love to have another baby and find it unfair that I am denied one when others who don't even really want one are having them or literally throwing them away or killing them. I cried my eyes out to my hubby over it... the ass said oh its just your time clock ticking. Seriously I don't think that is it.. I just know if he wouldn't of gotten fixed we would have at least two more children right now.. and the thing is I MISS THEM. Is that crazy???????!

Ok.. so ladies who are over 30.. is this normal??? Did your cycle and PMS change this drastically? Is this an age thing or am I going insane?? I have no reference in my family.. my mom has always had difficulties and has had a hysterectomy so she really can't tell me. Any input or comments will be valued and appreciated.

I do know that for my Birthday I am treating myself to that longgggggggggg over due (tisk i know its been almost 7yrs) women's health exam.

My Cool Winter Hat 08/Posting test with flicker

2008-11-25T22:51:00.001-08:00

My Cool Winter Hat 08, originally uploaded by ~Oh Mary~.

My new NewsBoy Winter hat.. matches my brown jacket great!

Using this as a test to see if I like posting with flickr.com better

Thanks Boy Scouts!

2008-11-25T21:43:00.000-08:00

Last weekend was Boy Scouting For Food and our church's food pantry was one of the drop off places. It was all so overwhelming but in a good way! Talk about blessings and the generosity of others! Hard times are here and coming for many, this will help so much. The small pantry was so bare and now we are over flowing.
Thank you Boy Scouts and all those who donated to them!!!!!!!

On a personal note.. my family was just so blessed to be apart of the volunteers that showed up to help. We have been lacking in fellowship and church attendance the last few weeks and being around positive church family was like coming home.. that is the only way to explain the beautiful feeling that welled up with in. Saturday Annie, my oldest daughter, and I went up to help..good mommy and daughter time. And Sunday I went up with the youth group and after church the rest of the family came over to help for most of the day. The kids worked sooooo hard and I am so proud of them. Good family fun! I just wish more could of been there to help.. there is still so much to go threw and do.

OH and one more thing I forgot to say..

2008-11-18T01:04:00.001-08:00

Remember back at the end of May... that Bad Bad thing I bought..

I TOTALLY LOST THE TICKETS AND MISSED THE CONCERT!!!!!!!!

It was last Friday.. ya, I am very bummed AND Neil Diamond was in town and NO ONE would take me.. whaaaaaaaahhh!

Pics of Me & a post about loosing it

2008-11-17T23:00:00.000-08:00

Gotta love my Sony Ericson cell phone.. ya the lighting sucks but I was board and sending them as a blog entry seems to be easiest way right now to upload them to the net. The last two are my fav and may become my new default pics on blogger and myspace. (if only I could do something about the bags under my eyes ugh.. turning into Mother lol)

I feel like I am about to loose it.. and not in the good way.. maybe all I can do to deal right now is laugh and blow off steam. I can't watch the news with out my blood boiling, another government bail out!!?? Are you kidding me! So I have been avoiding news and talk radio the last week. Sigh.

Our computer had a major meltdown and lost six month worth of photos and docs and videos.. Josh had to wipe it out and reinstall OS. UGH!!! Bright side.. most of my pics are uploaded to aol pics or what ever the new site is now (cant say cuz I lost the link since my favs were wiped out) and it was only six months, not six years. AND I wasn't the one who had to sit there and figure out how to fix the puter.

Going on day 3 of loosing my glasses too. Not that I can't see or anything but I should be wearing them for driving. Wish I could get contacts but that is more money we don't have. Just like I wish we could get a new bed. We sooo need a new bed.. maybe that is partly why I am so grumpy.

My poor son. He may need knee sugary soon. Waiting on the x-ray and MRI results to come in to see what is causing him such pain. I hate to see my baby in pain and not be able to do anything about it. He is so bummed too because he is missing out on wrestling. He tried to do practice yesterday but only lasted the first 10 min and then had to sit out. It is not constant pain, comes and goes and he can walk on it. But still he is only 14.. I hate to see him so torn up already.

Last week and looking like this week too, I've got over time at work. That is a rare rare thing with my job and we will be needing every extra red cent we can muster too. But oiy.. I am a stay at home mom at heart still and just not used to working almost 50 hour weeks and getting home so late. Major guilt setting in but I know it is just temporary.

Friday can't come fast enough.. we are sooooooo broke!! I think I have enough gas to get me threw the week (Thank YOU Lord for lower gas prices right now.. $1.78 whoot) But I know Josh doesn't and we will be over drawn at the bank. But thankfully Josh is working this week.. no rain days forcasted like last week. He missed two full days! And you know what he did.. NOTHING.. bum lol.

And that is another thing I am about to loose it over. My husband! You know I love him, dearly, madly, deeply, to the pit of my soul. BUT What in the world is going on with him! I can not keep making excuses for him and the whole settling back into being off the road line and getting used to each other.. its been over two months now. Two weeks of good loving and passion and then almost like the silent treatment.. like he cant stand to be in the same room as me. Some one PLEASE cut him off from the Webkin's web sit!! He doesn't want to talk with neighbors or go to birthday parties.. even when I beg him.. please baby for me. I suspect he is depressed but Mary is feeling ever sooooo neglected lately. I can't even get a good back rub people! And the snide comments about me developing an eating disorder and being too concerned about my looks is not the route he should be going right now. Men are so stupid sometimes.

Here is a clue if you are a husband or bf.. your women has recently lost a few and feels victory and excitement when she fits into that pair of jeans that has been sitting in the closet for 3 YEARS and is strutting her stuff.. you should say "Wow babe you look great!" and give her a pitch or slap on the behind. NOT "Ya whatever, whats for dinner?" That will only make her go running into the bathroom crying. And if she has been cussing alot.. well maybe you should ask yourself why instead of telling her how that is oh so unattractive.

Yes I have been loosing weight, and not on purpose mind you. For Real,we have been eating off the food pantry for a month now and my stomic has shrank. I want to eat when we do have food.. but just can't seem to get a full plate in like I used to. I have been trying to keep an eye on that and force myself to eat but a few bananas during the day and a small dinner at night is all I can muster. That and working so much the result is I am in a size 14!! You know what.. it feels great. And what does a women do when she is feeling good about herself and a new figure.. she goes threw the closet, gets rid of the fat clothes and sees what options she has left to wear. And since she is feeling so good about herself, she actually puts an effort into her morning routine and shock and awe.. puts a bit of mascara on and a comb threw her hair. Does that mean she is trying to attract attention from other men.. no! That means she is happy and would only love for her man to tell her how awesome she looks and how hot she is and how he cant control himself and take her back in the bedroom and .... you get my point.

OK End OF Rant. Life is good.. as long as we have each other. God is still on the Throne and Still in Control! At least that is what I keep telling myself and everyone.

A Question About Character

2008-11-11T17:30:00.000-08:00

Dinner time is always interesting around our house. Most times we sit at the table as a family to eat (especially when Josh is home). And the Hallmark commercials are right.. it is a good way to open those communication lines and enjoy family time.
Kids ask the darnedest questions.. questions that you are not even sure you have the answers to untill they pop out of your mouth. Part of lastnight's discussion some how came on to the question of "How do you build character?" That was from our 8yrd Lilly. I was open jawed for a few moments, such a profound thing to seek.. not sure I even really knew how one goes about on purpose to build up character.
This is what I told the children in that teachable moment and as normal I think it could of only came from the Holy Spirit and is an answer just as much for me as it is for my children. I told her we develop character everyday by practicing making good choices and admitting our mistakes when we do miss the mark and setting things right when we can. Sounds simple but honestly most adults don't know that and have terrible character.
I think this is one I need to think and pray on a bit more. Feel free to comment with your suggestions.

That's Racist

2008-11-05T03:31:00.000-08:00

My 3rd grader came home talking about the mock elections at school and who she voted for. She said she voted for McCain because he was white...
NOOOOOOO she didn't but might as well. She said she voted for Obama because he would be the first black President. I had to explain to her that is not a reason to vote for some one. Not because of the color of their skin, or if they are a man or women or because of their religion.
Yes it is exciting to have made history and have an African American in the White House (personally I would of preferred Colon Powell or Rice). But as I told my child (wth are these teachers telling them??) we vote for some one because we agree with their views, we think they represent us better then the other person running, because we think they will do a good job leading and are ready to face the hard challenges that office will have. Is that how the majority of Americans voted last night..I don't know.. I think most were just like my 3rd grade child.

An Hour and Fourty-Five Min. In Line to Vote!!

2008-11-04T14:49:00.000-08:00

This was taken at 11:15 a.m. You can't see it but the line wraps around..and that was for last names starting between A-L. It was just crazy! Glad I got it over with. Very intresting that Obama people were out passing out water and chips.. No sign of any McCain workers that I could see. But they did stay the requiered 25 feet away from the door.

My husband has to brave the lines as soon as he gets off work. The news is promising that if you are in line by 7:00 p.m. you will get to vote no matter how late it gets.

I am just glad it is almost over. If you want my opinion, this election cycle was just wayyyyyy too long and not enough substance from both candidates. I think Obama has it.. with his grandmother dying last night (sadly convenient) and the media all in love with him and him having mass money to spend, how can he not. Don't get me wrong, I didn't vote for him but I would say 75% of the people I know are going too or already have.

Buckle up kids.. it's going to be a bumpy ride!

He said he wasn't harrassed too much

2008-10-22T02:48:00.000-07:00

Zane sent me this pic of himself yesterday while he was participating in Pro-Life Day Of Silent Solidarity at his middle school.

I did not get any calls from the school administration and he says besides having to remove the tape from his mouth and place it on his shirt, there were no complaints. He said a teacher even High-Fived him. Zane reported that once his school mates understood what he was doing they wanted to also participate and he gave them tape and fliers to hand out at free time too. I didn't get an exact number from him but knowing my son I am sure he influenced a good chunk of the small student body we have at TMS.

All in all I think he felt success and that in some little way he was making an impact. Like I have said in previous post I consider him so brave for his age.. I don't think that is something I would of even thought of doing but of course I was a nerd in 8th grade and not in the good way lol.

Now, if I can just convince him to keep his hair out of his pretty blue eyes!!!

The Very Last entry for my AOL Journal

2008-10-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

I don't like it.. but it is what it is..

I think I successfully transferred all my old blog postings from my aol journal to blogger.. it was a pain with error messages and doubles AND none of the pictures transferred.. ugh.. but at least it is taken care of and 5 years of entries are saved somewhere. Now I need to work on my FTP space. Do you know if AOL Pictures is included in the big DELETE on Nov. 1st??

So those of you who are on Blogger or read in that spot my addy is http://hunybeasopenjournal.blogspot.com/

Any tips on how to customize and get or add alerts on blogger would be appreciated.
I think sadly, I will make this the last entry for Hunybea's Open Journal on AOL Journals. You can find me on MySpace and now Blogger. I can not put into words how much this place has meant to me or how deep my love is for the friends and readers who have touched me and allowed me to touch them back. I hope we can follow each other out side of AOL and that my enthusiasm for writing will come back. Right now I feel so disconnected and uninvolved with the Word Wide Web, among other things.
I don't know if my writing was important or not..at least my son feels my pain.. when I told him what was going on he lamented with me and said.. oh mom you were so close to a book.. I just know some one was going to find you and want to publish you.. LOL he is silly but unlike others he knows how much I had put into my blog. No one can really understand unless they too have a blog where they invest so much of themselves in.. I still know people who have no clue what a blog is or don't see the point in having one.. much less read one.

Life carries on and bigger problems come and go.. soon we will be censored even more I think, soon my words will be stricken from any remembrance electronically.. maybe not today or tomorrow but it is coming. Much like in China where Google has agreed to filter for the goverment, the World will be filtered and anyone not going along with the program will be considered an enemy combatant. Don't think so? Go ahead and mock me.. but don't say you were not warned.

Silentday

2008-10-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

Check out the website for more info.

I just have to say.. I am soooooooooooo proud of my son. It is one thing for me to be passionate about being pro-life and talk to people about it and face adversity.. But he has been planning and excited about the silentday well before school even started, busy trying to get info out there to his classmates to participate and be aware. When I was his age I was not into anything besides getting in trouble and a trip to the Principal's office would have me shaking. He has not only talked to teachers and the principal about this but may have to take a print out of his rights as a student to the superintendent who is opposed to this event..and he is not even flinching at the idea. This is all him.. I am hands off.. all I said was what ever happen and what ever he chose to do I would be behind him.

I don't expect too much trouble with this.. but I am bracing for a call on that day. And what will I say? Let him sit in your office all day.. and when you look at him think about why he is there.. cuz I will NOT pick him up from school the whole day, I will be working and for them to expect a call and legal action from ADF (www.alliancedefensefund.org 1-800-TELL-ADF)

Tags: silentday.org, prolife students, Day Of Silence And Solidarity, October 21 2008

A must watch Video!!!!

2008-10-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

Fall brings changes.. not just the leaves...

2008-10-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

Excuse me.. I am shocked, surprised, and I may cry just a little bit. This just shows how far behind I am.. I read this tonight along with a few postings in friend's journals about this latest kiss off from AOL:

Dear AOL Journals user,

We’re sorry to inform you that on Oct. 31, 2008, AOL® Journals will be shut down permanently. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

It’s very important that you save your Journals content before the shutdown. We're working on a way to easily move your Journal to another blogging service -- you can expect an email within the next week with more details about how to do it. We want the transition to go as smoothly as possible for you, so you’ll have two choices. You can either save your information manually and find another place to blog on your own, or choose to automatically transfer your Journal to a different blogging service we’ve selected.

In the meantime, please bookmark the People Connection Blog, where you can find out more about AOL Journals. You can also subscribe to the People Connection Blog RSS feed to stay informed about any changes. We’ll be updating the People Connection Blog often, so please check it regularly.

Thank you for your patience and understanding as we make this transition.

Sincerely,

The AOL Journals Team

For the last 5 years I have put almost my whole life in the pages of this journal.. ya there was some bumps but all in all it is a good community and a constant in my life that I have taken so much comfort in over the years. Why oh why is this being dropped????! My last holding on with AOL beside my e-mail.. I have no other reason to do anything with AOL. Yes I have not blogged like I used to in the last year.. working and life has held me up.. but dang!! Surely God knew and he has helped decrease my desire to be as into AOL Journals or anything with the net lately so this change would not hurt so so bad? Not sure what I am doing.. I do mirror blog on my MySpace page.. so if anything you can find me there, ~Oh Mary~

Now an update that I am most excited about....JOSH IS HOME PERMANENTLY as far as we can tell right now! He has been home since last Friday. It is an ajustment but a good and very welcome one. God has been vastly blessing me these last few weeks.. I am not sure I would even have the space to list all the wonders that have been going on. But having Josh home is so awesome.. you don't even know.. but God did. He knew I was almost at my breaking point with out my hubby and how badly I needed him (and a good deep back rub). The timing is perfect.. I was about to tell him it was time to come hometo stay after the elections to hunker down and get ready.

The last year has been rough.. the last 3 he has been on the road back and forth home.. but the last year brought alot less home time.

The down side.. he came home because he was laid off. BUT I am not going to fret.. I am trusting that he will find work here in town and we will get threw. TV is already cut.. and I really am not missing it much. The only thing I truly miss is the news channel and keeping up with the campaigns and all the crisis going on with the country. But the Internet and talk radio are a good substitute.

Friends you know I have been open and honest about my Faith and World View and my longing for the time the Lord Jesus Christ will return. I believe all that we see and hear and go threw is for a purpose and part of God's Plan. I am pleading with anyone who reads this.. get ready.. get prepared.. mind, body, soul, Give your whole life over to God and trust him NOW. It's going to get hard and serious out there in the world in a very short time.. use the time you have now to be prepared... look up.. our redemption draws neigh!!!!

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Labor Day Camping trip pics

2008-09-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

We had an awesome time.

The long weekend was just too short.

What in the world is going on?

2008-09-10T20:05:00.000-07:00

I dislike coming back to my journal and seeing previous entry's pics messed up... gurr. That is what I get for taking a month off lol.

Just dipping a toe in here for a few.. will take a full plunge back in soon.. promise.

AND OMG!! How could I miss my blog birthday??!!! It turned 5yrs old August 25th.

long over due update.. Sophia's 7th birthday, flowers in bloom, Weird Al concert.. ect..

2008-08-13T00:51:00.000-07:00

Sophia's birthday was last month and we have been consumed by the Webkinz website ever since.. ya that's my excuse for not being online.. the kids have taken over the puter lol na.. I'm still just bla about being on the computer. But I do think I want a Webkinz of my own.. Sophia doesn't like sharing so much. AND if You don't know what I am talking about.. then you are way out of the loop.. google it lol.

On Sophia's birthday I got a big present. I finnaly after over 3years, got back in touch with my BBF Consuelo. Another long lost friend reconnection thanks to MYSPACE. I can't even tell you how much I have missed her or how happy and excited that we are talking again. She was my best friend threw all those wild teen years and while our lives have taken different twist and turns and directions I still feel like she is my sister. If only we could afford for us to meet up in person.. I tried tempting her out here with those New Kids On The Block concert tickets (November whoot whoot) but while she would LOVE to go with me (one of those childhood things we share) she is just as broke as me lol. For now phone calls and e-mail will have to do.. but I am blessed even to have that.

Another little joy in my life is the garden we have going. The roses from last year are doing well and the new red climbers we planted this year are starting to bud and bloom. The wild flower seeds and sunflowers are finally taking off too. Every day I come home from work and walk to the side of the house to look at them and pull weeds that always seem to pop up. I few moments to myself before I walk in to the kids all over me or see what ever mess they have made that day. Every now and then I send josh pics with a note saying Thank You For The Roses. He is the one that did all the work and it is sooo much better then getting flowers delivered anyway.. they come back again and again.

Last Friday I splurged and took Zane to the Weird Al concert. It was not planned so being able to get floor seats was a nice surprise. And they were awesome seats. Zane is still very thankful and doing little things with out being asked... he had such a good time and loves bragging to other like minded friends that he was there and with in feet of the stage.. He really really likes Weird Al.. that sarcastic humor, and he knew and sang along with EVERY Song.. I had a good time too even though it was not nessicarly my thing.. OMG.. It really was a nerd convention but funny as heck.

School is starting next week and it is so hard to get the kids back into a normal routine. This year they have changed the schools hours and how they do busing, so they will have to be up even earlier than last year. But we have just about all the back to school shopping done, just need to lay out first day clothes and go to meet the teacher night and see if there is some tweaking we can do to the older two's class schedule. I can't believe my youngest is going into 2nd grade and my oldest in 8th.. it just doesn't seem right!!!

And as always counting down the days till Josh comes home. Labor Day weekend seems so far away but getting closer. We are planning a family camping trip and maybe a float on the Meramec River. We are so excited because its been a few year since the last time we have gone camping all together.. I mean real camping.. in a tent with a fire pit! LOL

As always I will try to catch up but don't be surprised if it is awhile before another entry.

When it rains... it pours : (

2008-07-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

And I'm not talking about today's rain storm. gurrrrrrrr

Yes a car accident, the crowning event that put a dark high light on an already gloomy day.

To start, it was laxative day at work ugh.. I always dread that but some one has to do it. Another reminder I am not paid enough (my client is a quad). All day I was looking forward to getting off and making my way to the book store to pick up book #11 in The Wheel Of Time. And time went by fast today until I got to my car. It wouldn't start.. dead battery...again!! I had already planned to go to Auto Zone to get a new one but we had charged it up last night and normally that would carry me out threw the next day. It was on my list of To Do's today. Josh has been using his car since he has been home and he was at the docs getting an MRI done. None of my friends were available to come and jump me or pick me up. I normally keep jumper cables in the car but I guess I left them in Josh's or in the garage. But my client's sister called some one to come over and jump me thankfully.. I guess she didn't want me sitting around her house anymore lol.

I went directly to Auto Zone after the jump. I am not ashamed that I am ignorant of cars and such and think that is a man's job lol that is why I hate having to deal with car stuff. I had them test the battery and the alternator (some one suggested that it may be the starter draining the battery). Thankfully I just needed a new battery, $75 that I really didn't want to spend this week. But I soothed my self by thinking it could of been worse. n I hate to imagine how much a starter or alternator would cost to fix.

As I was pulling out of my parking spot in front of Auto Zone I was sighing with relief and looking forward to getting my book. Then not two seconds out in the isle a truck starts to back out into me.. I tried to swirve out of the way but it was too late. As you can tell by the damage she hit me starting on the driver door so I was already well behind her when she started pulling out.. she says she didn't even see me (my big van must of all of a sudden been invisible) I think I would of been better off if I just slammed on the brakes in stead of trying to swerve.. I think there would of been less damage.. and the truck only had a broken tail light!!! We just exchanged insurance info but in hind sight I should of had a police report done. Especially when she said this is the second time she had a car accident on her birthday and the insurance info was in her parents name.

No book store today.. I headed right home and called my insurance company and now I am dealing with that back and forth and waiting on a claims adjuster and estimator to call me back to set up an appointment for them to come out. And that maybe some time next week.

On a happier note.. Josh went to the doctor yester day with good reports on his health for the most part.. his heart is in top shape and blood pressure is perfect. She sent him to get an MRI today because his shoulder has been messing with him real bad for a few months and they wanted to make sure it was not a rotator cuff or torn ligament. Turns out he has arthritis in his shoulder and he needs to go see a specialist (ugh more money) and his blood results shows his cholesterol is getting high and he needs to switch to a low fat and low carb diet. His 32 Birth day is Monday.. a little young for arthritis I would think but his job can be repetitive. As far as the cholesterol goes.. its not from what I feed him.. I almost NEVER fry food and I never put salt in anything.. I am a very bland cook. So I threatened him that if he doesn't eat better while he is on the road I would make him come home and all he would have is tofu.

We have talked about Josh going back to school.. maybe online. The time he spent in apprentice school counts towards collage credit and it wouldn't take but maybe a year part time in school for him to earn an associates. Still he isn't sure what to go to school for.. not too much would pay any more then what he makes now or enjoy as much. I remember in High School he liked painting and airbrushing but artist don't get paid much unless they are dead lol. Zane suggested maybe go and become a mechanic but that is something you can't do online and it would be full time. I suggested maybe Seminary/ Bible Collage and be a minister.. not that pays well but plenty of rewards in heaven. Ya that didn't appeal too much to him and I know it's not really his calling. I don't know.. but I am sure some kind of change is inevitable.

Tomorrow can only be better.. I hope.

Confession

2008-07-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

The sermon Sunday revolved around drawing closer to the Lord and the purpose and meaning of Communion, having a covenant meal, self examination and the benefits of doing it often. The hammer hit and it was as if I was being called out.. Mary you luke warm, pulling away from your first love, stagnant Christian... yup.. THATS ME.

But it's everyone I have been pulling away from and actually I have felt fine with it.. its comfortable, safe, lazy, easy. I haven't felt too compelled in making an effort to go to church.. basically because I just can't take all the questions about when is Josh coming home and oh how hard it must be when he is gone for work so much.. If I don't think about it, I don't have to deal with it and just drift threw till his next home coming... is it so much to ask that people just accept this is how it is right now and stop being so pushy about it.. even in love. There is more to me than Josh and his absence..although it is just a fact of life right now that we have to do everything over the phone or computer and when he is home everyone clamors for his time and I just want him all to myself. And I have let it fester in to anger and complacency for well over two months. Gas is crazy so I let that be an excuse too but really its just a convenient explanation.

And when I feel anger I tend to fall into a rebelous state and backslide into old patterns that keep me away from being close with God. And while that is an ugly place to be, not pretty of me, I haven't felt like reaching out to come out.. I know it's my own choice to be this way. I keep saying to myself.. oh next week I will get out of my stupor, tomorrow I will straighten up and be the Me I know I should be. Monday I will put away foolishness and go to church for the weekly communion service they are starting to do. Monday comes.. I plan to go..but I know.. if I do go I have to really be sincere and let my wall down with the Lord... because you cant take a convent meal with that and if you do with out willing to give up what is impure in your life it is detrimental.

So I hide in my books (been reading the Wheel Of Time series.. waiting on book 11 to come into the bookstore) and catching up online on shows I have missed, avoiding the News because I am so sick of hearing about bad things and about the elections and I yell at the kids for fighting too much with each other and getting into things while I let myself be distracted. I dread going to work because I am feeling like a medieval servant and am paid wayyyyy tooo little for all that I do.. so I skirt on some things and haven't given my all and even not been very good company.

So there ya go if you were wondering. My downward spiral laid out.

It's not like we haven't talked about Josh finding a job that will keep him in town but what it boils down to is less money, less security, and we are holding on to the house by a thread right now as it is.. we would have to give it up and we are not to that point where we can just do that yet.

It may be out of our hands soon enough.. Josh is coming home tomorrow (he was just home a week ago) because he needs to see his doctor. Apparently our wonderful UNION insurance doesn't cover him outside our area and he really is scared because he blacked out with out warning at work a few days ago. He says he doesn't think it was because of the heat or being dehydrated and he just hasn't felt right since. It could be something as simple as blood pressure or it could be he has developed a sensitivity to working in the heat.. and that would mean he would prob have to change jobs. I don't know.. I know it puts a kink in some things... he has to use his free ticket we have been saving for me to use to see him because his work doesn't want to pay for his travel unless it does turn out to be a work related condition, and he looses pay to come home. But it will be nice soooooo nice to see him even under these circumstances.

Friday I went to help sand bag out at Winfield Highschool..

2008-06-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

I live in Lincoln County in MO. I am not personally effected by all the flooding and the rising water but Winfield, Elsberry and Clarksville is not that far from me and seeing the news all last week was really tugging at my heart, I felt moved to do something on my day off Friday. It was just a bonus that alot of my friends felt the same and met up with me at the HighSchool to sandbag. It was hard work.. a bit disorganized.. and the governor and all coming in was somewhat funny, but the scene of accomplishment and community was amazing. Not sure how much of our efforts will pay off but I am praying for all those who are effected by this years flooding.

Mississippi River threatens more Midwest levees

Tags: Winfield MO, sandbags, midwest flooding 2008

Sophia with the training wheels off

2008-06-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

And it only took a Dollar bribe from the next door neighbor. But once she did she took right off! *sigh* My baby is getting sooooooo big!

Josh: Wonderful Father, Awesome Husband

2008-06-15T13:01:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you enough how blessed I am to have Josh in my life. I know many women who are not as lucky and can only complain about their husband or father of their children. No Josh is not perfect but he always tries to do right or make the best of what he has. Today is Father's Day AND our 12th year anniversary. I must say so far we have beat the na sayers, the odds and statistics, and come threw being even more in love.

We had Zane when we were still teenagers and then got married when we were 19. I can give you so many examples of how my husband puts his family first over himself.. first one was he moved/followed me while I was still pregnant 2000 miles away, changing his plans of joining the navy, preferring to be there for us. Also he would not marry me until I finished getting my HS Diploma and I must say that did help keep me motivated.

As a husband he is a giving lover and excellent provider. As a father he tires to find and use those teachable moments with our 4 children. The last few years he has had to travel alot for work and it has been hard on us all but instead of letting it tear us down we treasure each moment together and let the time away make our hearts grow fonder for each other.

Josh is tender hearted, a good handyman, responsible, passionate, honorable, loves the Lord. If there was a Proverb's Husband as there is a Proverb's wife.. he would fit closely the bill. I often feel undeserving of him.

As you can tell I just adore my husband and that rubs off on the children too lol. Home comings are a big gift and a party, departures from each other are tearful but brave and time apart if filled with longing and faith that we will be together again soon.

This last departure he took our 13 yrd son with him to spend a month with him. I expect Zane to come back almost a man and to of had many adventures with his dad and learning alot of what it is to be a real man. How to work hard, how to put others first, how to honor God and our Country and his family. While Josh is at work Zane is spending his time either volunteering at a local nursing home (and they say they are already very attached to him and he does very well with the elderly) or at the downtown Library or taking care of chores around the apartment. It didn't take Josh long to see what I have known.. it was time for the boy to have a cell phone lol. But Zane bought his own phone with his own money he had earned.

I miss them terribly and am starting to count down the days till we are together again.

Support Needed for Prenatally Diagnosed Conditions Awareness Act

2008-06-06T16:57:00.000-07:00

From: SBA List President <information@SBA-LIST.ORG>
Subject: Support Needed for Prenatally Diagnosed Conditions Awareness Act

SBA List Legislative Action Alert

June 5, 2008

Parents Need Support Not Abortion

Dear Mary,

The Prenatally Diagnosed Conditions Awareness Act helps parents when they need it most. When given a difficult diagnosis about their unborn child, shock and fear rise in the hearts of most parents. This bill would help educate parents about the condition and provide support in their time of need.

Go here and urge your senator to support this bill.

Ninety percent of children with Down Syndrome are aborted. The statistics are the same for many other prenatal diagnoses. But ask parents of kids with cystic fibrosis if they have brought joy into their lives. Ask a kid with Down Syndrome if he thinks his life is worth living. I think you know the answers you'll get.

This bill has the potential to reduce abortions! Help make that happen.

Thankfully, this bill has bipartisan support. Giving parents the resources they need makes sense. Please go here today and show your support for this important bill.

For Life,

Marjorie Dannenfelser
Susan B. Anthony List President
703-875-3370
www.sba-list.org

P.S. Thirty five years of Roe v. Wade has burdened our nation. Consider giving a small gift of $35 to the Susan B. Anthony List -- one dollar for each year -- and do your part to support our efforts to fight abortion advocates on Capitol Hill. With your help, we can make a difference for Life!

P.P.S. Don't miss a thing -- add information@sba-list.org to your safe senders list.

This e-mail is never sent unsolicited. You, or someone on your behalf, have subscribed to receive this information from the Susan B. Anthony List. SBA List never sells, rents or even exchanges e-mail addresses. If you are subscribed to our lists, you will only receive messages from the Susan B. Anthony List. If you don't want to receive legislative emails, click the link at the bottom of this email. Because we lobby Congress, contributions to the Susan B. Anthony List are not tax-deductible.

Susan B. Anthony List - 1800 N Kent St - Suite 1070 - Arlington, VA 22209

Check out my All About Me Section

2008-06-06T16:37:00.000-07:00

<<<<<<<<Check it out

I've been meaning to change it forever.. it's been some time since I had sported the short short hair in the about me pic and the kids have gotten much bigger too. I had a slow day so I played on blingee.com and glittered out the pics that are now adorning my About Me section

I know it askew the column a bit but I think it's a trade off.. most ppl just click the link and read an individual entry anyhow.

So What Ya think??????????

Why Do I Sabotage Myself?? & Thankful Thursday

2008-06-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

After a week off I started back to work Monday. My new starting time is 6 a.m. and for anyone who knows me, knows I hate mornings or at least getting up at 5. I took the client knowing how I suck at mornings because I thought I could train myself to get up earlier and mainly because I need to work. I was doing pretty well going to bed early and for Monday to Wed I was at work with time to spare. But this morning I woke up at 6:30 and was seriously late. With out going into the specifics of my client and family.. lets just say ppl depend on me being there on time, no excuse. I rushed to get dressed and the kids up and barreled to work with out calling in to let them know I was on the way and arriving just at 7. Too late, way too late and I knew that. I feel soooo bad, like a big fat failure because I screwed up other people's work day.. and when you mess with other ppl's money.. they aren't happy about it. I have no good excuse and all the apologizing in the world will not change that I messed up. I was sent home and told to come tomorrow, the family already called into their work and hopefully can make up work Friday (Fridays are theirs and mine day off). My initial instinct is to tell my boss to just find some one else who is better, more responsible.. shoot they may just request someone else anyway and would be in all rights of doing so. But I know I should stick it out, prove myself that I am better than that and can be relied on. We will see how tomorrow goes. But I see the pattern.. I see that I sabotage myself with jobs.. not on purpose of course but maybe subconsciously. Either way I feel like crap today and wish I could just hide but I do have another person to go to today at 11. So I am just killing time. I liked the little graphic I put in this post cuz it was cute when I saw it.. but really I don't like being imperfect lol and that is part of my problem.

But over the last few days I have been doing some thinking and praying. I realize I need to be more grateful for what I do have and where I am at in life. I seem to be such a complainer lately and whiney. I am so blessed and I take my many blessings for granted too much. Just the simple act of walking or being independent or having air conditioning when its almost 90 out is more then some people have. I should be content.. I have food and water and shelter, I have good health so far and my children are wonderful (lol according to everyone I know). And with the economy as it is I am grateful that I DO have a job, as small as it is and its a job where (when I am on the ball) I can be a blessing to others.

Pics from Memorial BBQ & STL Zoo

2008-06-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

I did a bad bad thing.. I may be left stigmatized for the rest of my life...

2008-05-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I did it.. I couldn't help myself. One e-mail lead to one website and that website lead to what I know will result in endless shame for a life time to come.

I bought New Kids On The Block Concert Tickets!!!!!! Floor Seats!!!!!!!!

The 12yrd girl in me is squealing with excitement, jumping up and down, counting down the weeks to November 10th. The 31yrd women in me who has developed more mature tastes in everything is so embarrassed and bracing for endless wrath and teasing from my husband and friends. I already got the eye roll when Josh discovered his ringtone is "I'll Be Loving You Forever".

I have two tix. Who wants to come with me??? LOL

Tags: NKOTB, NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK CONCERT, SHAME

I'v gone to the dark side.. well my hair has anyway

2008-05-28T06:48:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I was sooo ready for a change, new hair was just what I needed. I have never been anything but a blonde or strawberry blonde. I have been blessed with very pretty blonde hair all my life.. so much so no one would allow me to do anything else with it. So I was in a rebel mood when I went to get my hair trimmed and went ahead and got what is for me, an extreme color change. Mocca with blonde highlights in the bangs! Yes I know it's summer and hair is supposed to go lighter and then darker for winter.. but I think we have established I never do anything the way you are supposed to.

I didn't send any pics to Josh before he got home and teased him to no end. But he seems to like it and I have liked the reaction I have gotten from ppl who have seen me in person. My sister Marcy has even said she wants to copy it lol.

What do you think?!!

Part 2

2008-05-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

Ok.. ... well.. first off last week I did call my supervisor asking to be placed with a different client. I was just being so stressed out by this family.. mainly the daughter in law and her Nazi anal retentivness and little notes and phone calls on off hours. She didn't get that my job was JUST suppervision and companionship.. she seemed to think I was her personal enforcer and if my client didn't do as she said she would hang over her head threats of sending her off to a nursing home. And you know the too caring person I am got way attached to the client. And then a cookie situation came up... some one ate Girls Scout cookies on the couch.. leaving crumbs and the empty package.. oh the humanity.. the horror.. how dare they who ever did.. because it was NOT me, but since that is where I sit mostly and no one in the home was admitting to it, guess where the finger was pointed. My company has a strict policy of not eating the clients food and I would bring my own breakfast and lunch and drinks. I was often offered food or there was treats left out where my client could be tempted to go off her diabetic diet... but I always politely said no thanks and took a swig of my slim-fast. I have been making progress on some weight loss too. I think maybe over the almost 5 months I have been in there I did accept a piece of birthday cake and did dip into a bowl that was left out of Easter candy. ANY HOW.. that was my limit there.. first cookies and then what would that lead too? No way was I going to stick around too long to find out. But when I called my supervisor last week she was out on medical leave and I vented to her assistant and was told there was nothing I could do till she got back and to just sit tight.

I hadn't heard back and I was about ready to let it go, thinking maybe I was just being premenstral last week and I could handle my job.. after all not everyone is happy with where they work and still deal with it and go in everyday. I was thinking to myself that I was a bit spoiled and to suck it up and pray on how to be a better servant. Then again this week there were home baked cookies left out... and some one ate on them.. I was asked if I had eaten any.. nope sure didn't.. and if it was my client she must of done it while I was in the bathroom or something but she was denying it. I know you are thinking.. so what.. they are just cookies.. ya I know!! But some people have to have control over EVERY aspect of EVERYONE's life and if something is out of place it stresses them to no end and they have to find something or some one to release that on.. guess who.

Ok.. so that is the back story to yesterday..with alot of detail left out for privacy sake. So yesterday just as I pull into the driveway at work my son calls me on my cell telling me they have missed the bus and need me to get them to school. gurrrr. I was looking forward to a short uncomplicated day with work because my client had an appointment, all I had to do was stick it out till she had to leave. The son was home because he was going to take the client to her appointment and I tell him about the call I just got and that I would go and get her out of bed and up and going and then leave and come right back. Sure no problem. Well let's just say it took over an hour to get her up and going, it was not turning out to be the easy day I had anticipated. So just as I am leaving my supervisor calls the house and is talking with the son, if it was a normal day I would of waited or told my kids to play hookie but school was having special events threw out the day and they needed to keep up with attendance, only 2 days of school left anyway.

I get back an hour later (I live 15 min away and also had to sign the kids in to three different schools) and my client is sitting in her chair and the son is back in bed napping. My suppervisor calls again to talk with me wondering why I wasn't told to call her back as requested. She tells me she told the son that last week I had requested to be pulled out (omg) that she was just getting back and getting caught up, had not talked to me about why and before she put someone else in she needed to talk to me. I am cringing because I foresee all sorts of tension in the house. I get her all caught up, she knows how I am stressed by this family, I have forward to her every ridiculous note that was left for me and in the past have asked for her to talk to them about my job title and what my respoblities are and where the line is (and as far as I know she never did but is with me on that I have put up with alot and have gone above and beyond with them). She said it was possible to put some one else in but it was a male and didn't think they would be too happy about that. She wanted to know what I wanted to do. I told her I would prefer to call her later when I was off.. I didn't want to talk in front of the client who already had the "deer in headlights, what is going on here" look on her face.

So the rest of the time at work was weird... the son and daughter were home but stayed away not really talking to me, and I can see why, knowing I had asked to be placed somewhere else.. and if they were not going to bring it up, neither was I. Eventually I was told to pack a bag with my client and then they would leave for the appointment. So I did, had her sign me out and left for the day. I had some time to think and pray about the situation.. still a bit hemming and hawing on what to do or say, talked it out with friends who all could see clearly that I had already made the decision to be pulled out and that it would work out well for my family for me to have less stress and if that meant shorter hours over the somer that is not nessarly a bad thing. So I called my supervisor and told her only if they could find some one else to take her, to pull me out. I did not want to leave her with out some one as back up. Well the person she had in mind got assigned some where else already, too far for me to just switch with him and if I could stick with them until some one else can take over the client that would be great. Kinda anticlimactic but do-able... it was settled.. so I thought.

Later in the day I got called by my Supervisor telling me not to bother going in to work tomorrow, the family requested I not come back because... I LEFT EARLY AND I DID STEAL THEIR COOKIES AND THEY ARE NOT SATISFIED WITH ME. I left early???? What are they talking about. I apologized for leaving and coming back because of my kids but that is not what they were talking about.. apparently I left with out saying good bye to them, they were not ready to for me to leave... bla what ever. It is pretty laughable if I was not so mad about it. I'm a nice easy going person and yea I do let my self get taken advange of or as some would see it, walked over.. so when some one talks crap or tries to make me look bad with out just cause it does piss me off. My boss told me not to worry about it, she completely understands they are whack-o and deals with things like this all the time. It is not unusual to pull out some one and replace them. I asked how will this reflect on me as an employee? And to my relief she said not at all, I am in good standing. It's just that she doesn't have anywhere else for me to go at the momeant and to keep in touch each week until she does, that she likes me alot and will do what she can.

That is a relief and a bit of a bummer. On one had I get more time at home.. Josh is coming home for a week this Saturday (whoo hoo!) and the kids get out of school. On the other had the extra money I have been getting from work has really helped and was going to go towards us maybe going to visit Josh in Philly in July. My only real concern now is I do live in a smaller community and our kids know each other and I don't want a thing to develop or it may be weird seeing them around town occasionally. God only knows what they are going to say to people.. but we mostly don't run the same circles but you never know. And I am a bit sad I didn't get to say goodbye to my lady and hope that what ever happens to her that God will watch over her.

So that has been my week!! I did make a comment to Zane the other day that all these little things that have been going amiss in our life have been adding up and if I didn't know any better I would say there is some demonic stuff going on. And out of the mouth of babes he says well if we do have Satan's attention then that is good.. it means we are doing something right. Ohh I don't know about all that but he may have a point there.

I feel better now that is all out and behind me. Today's a new day, a new start and I do have much to be thankful for. Mainly my friends who have been there alot for me lately and listen to my problems and frustration. I have been blessed with several good ones.. THANK YOU AMY, RACHEL, JENNY, AND AUDRA AND EVEN BRANDY

It's been one of those weeks where everything seems to be working against me!

2008-05-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

First off.. WTH is going on with my photo album in my last entry???!! When I came to my blog it was showing a photo album I posted at Easter.. not the Mother's Day vigil with my children holding their homemade signs. I will give AOL the benefit of the doubt since I haven't really been online much and will assume everyone's photo albums are getting a glitch too, and not go with my initial instinct that I am somehow being censored. I reposted them and sorry if you got a double alert. Maybe I will just start doing the extra work and posting my more controversial pics with HTLM and load on a different site??

Here is one of Zane and his own statement with a bit of emphasis from glitter graphics (this one is alos featured on my Myspace profile):

Glitter Graphics

If that was all I had to deal with, a little blog glitch I wouldn't be so.. umm.. gurrrrrr! Shall I start the list...

Last Friday Lilly fell on a feild trip with school at the Butterfly House and deeply bruised her foot. Poor girl had to spend the weekend on crutches and most of the week wearing an orthopedic shoe (that was not cheap to buy). Who knew the Butterfly House was so dangerous... or maybe some one was just not doing a good job at supervising the children at play.. who knows.. I feel enough guilt at Lilly's devastation about me having to work that day and missing it all.

Sunday I discovered my deep freezer in garage had been unpluged and over $100 in food had been defrosted and blood and water had accumulated on the bottom. I pinpointed when it was likely unplugged and the meat for the most part was still cold so could be cooked up or given away to be cooked up right away. My neighbors gladly took what I couldn't eat.. roasts, steaks and chicken.. all good stuff.. but the good stuff I was kinda saving to cook for when Josh is home. Most of that I bought on sale back when I got my tax return and was depending on it being there for when we were also broke.. and you know how food prices have risen! Plus the clean up was nasty.. I had to drain the freezer and then clean it out with hot soapy water.. and there was a not so nice smell.

Monday I couldn't find my glasses. I was convinced that the cat must of put them somewhere. They were lost for 3 days only to be found in my bed under my pillow where I had looked 10 times

Tuesday thepassanger side mirror to my 2002 Town and Country van got broken. On my way to work there is construction going on and narrowing the road considerably... plus I didn't have my glasses on (not that I can't see per say but they would of helped) and my big 'ol mirror hit a mail box. After 3 trips to auto parts stores looking for a replacement.. because you know it can't be easy for me.. it has to be a special mirror with the defroster thingy, the only place I could find it was at the dealership and it cost JUST FOR A MIRROR.. NOT THE WHOLE CASING SHEBANG was just about $80! Oh and I did stop at the house where the mail box was broke (being held together by duct tape) and left a note with my phone number saying I would pay for any damages... but still have not gotten a call.

And then yesterday... the icing on my cake so to speak.. *deep breathing exercises because I am still upset and not sure how to start the story*

LOL well that's the first time in a longggggggg time I have been told I have exceeded the charter limit!... guess I will have to do a rare part 2 entry.

Happy Mother's Day from my children

2008-05-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

A bonus... NOT

2008-05-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

So I get a call today from my hubby asking if I had looked at our checking account today. No, not really why? There was a deposit made in to it for eleven thousand dollars he says. I laugh and say oh you mean eleven hundred, our stimulus check maybe? No he says $11,000. SAY WHAT!! Obviously the government has made a mistake.. you should call some one about that but whoo whoo.. its there so its ours right?? LOL Sigh.. noo.. it was his work.. they some how wired the wrong amount into our account and ya.. we have to give it back.. how honest of us.

I should take a screen shot because I can't image us ever having that much money move threw our account again lol. Better yet I suggest we take a quick trip to Vegas and double it for them lol ya right. Or they should let me keep it for putting up with long weeks as a single parent and a frustrated women, services rendered!! It's in my account..so it's my money now!! But no.. it goes back first thing in the morning. *bla* I could really do some damage with $11,000. But my son chimes in, now mom you know that if that was ours to keep most of it would go to a pro-life charity or to church because after all mom who's money is it??.. yes it is all God's, if only for a few minuets it's lent to me lol.

We really are expecting our "stimulus package" tomorrow. But we have promised each other to be "responsible" with it and put it aside so I can get the massive dental work I need done. It won't be enough to cover all of it but it will be a good chuck and a start. ugh but I also really need a new washer and dryer.. you know those nice front loaders,triple capacity, move mountains and, come in green one. (I can dream).

The kicker is, I don't have work tomorrow and neither does hubby. He has a rain day in Philly and I am not needed because my client has a doctor appointment. A day we are both sitting around, not making money.. and can't be together : ( Well, at least I will get some things done around the house and if it's not raining here, some yard work.

MAN.. $11,000.. I could hire a maid and a lawn boy! Maybe I should buy a lottory ticket tomorrow?

(you know I am just kidding.. I don't gamble)

Just being quiet for now

2008-05-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

I know its been awhile.. prob wondering whats been going on lol and yes that weekend was THAT good (ears still ringing). Maybe that is why I have been a bit down and bummed out. I try not to let it get to me, try not to focus on it and to keep looking forward to the next homecomings. Kids and work and the house should be enough to keep me busy. Thinking of planting some seeds for a garden soon.. if it would stay warm and not so wet. But anything I am in just a quiet mode for now. Oh I have lots to say, and have been doing some things I need to blog about but for now I think I need to be still and in prayer. I need to get back into a discipline.. for my spiritual health, mental and physical too. Know what I mean??

Felt the Earth move under my feet...

2008-04-18T16:02:00.000-07:00

At 4:30 in the morning I was dreaming about my man... that shaking I thought *blush* was part of the dream. I didn't even know we had an earthquake until I got in the shower and heard the DJ on my radio talking about it. But I know people who were woken up and were shocked badly. After all you don't expect to have earthquakes in MO! Sure they talk about the possibility but its been forever since we actually had one that you could feel.

I did feel a tiny bit the second one later in the morning but it really was of no consequence. I don't think I want to find out what a BIG one is like... ugh this is why I don't live on the west coast!

Anyway, hubby is going to be home very soon now and the Only Earth moving I want to experience is in the bedroom hehehe.

T minus 10 hours... Mary's going to get some

2008-04-18T04:07:00.000-07:00

9;00 p.m. tonight, Josh is going to barely be able to get out of the airport parking lot before getting attacked by his wife. : )

I am on the verge of going bonkers. I told my hubby last week he HAS to come home this weekend.. no if ands or buts. It's only been a few weeks but it feels like months. And that book my friend gave me called Red Hot Monogamy didn't help lol only made it worse for me. That is not a book to be reading when your spouse is out of town lol.

All week we have been doing this big build up, sending dirty texts to each other, among other things I shall not repeat *gig like a school girl* Saturday we are have dinner reservations at this French restaurant and winery and a room booked with extend check out time and a king size bed with chocolate and wine. Oh ya this weekend is purely about one thing. Ha ha aint no shame in that, we are married lol.

Oh ya.. the kids might get to see him for a minuet too. And if I can hold off some family drama till Monday I am going to have an awesome time.

10 hours to go..

Feeling Blessed

2008-04-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

I just have to write an entry about God's faithfulness and praise him for all he is doing. By the skin of my teeth my electric was able to avoid disconnection. I was stressing over it, because I didn't think I would have the money untill Friday to go towards the bill and the disconnection date was yesterday. Ofcourse I could of and should of asked for help with it but um maybe it was pride or just knowing how everyone else's funds are low too I couldn't bring myself to. I called the electric company Monday to see about making an arraignment (I hear ppl do it all the time) and ask if they could wait till Friday when I could pay the bill in full... but who ever answered in INDIA (don't get me started about that) was not very helpful on that front and said I didn't qualify (maybe he just didn't understand what I was trying to say cuz I sure had a hard time understanding him.. ugh again don't get me started). So when the electric was still on yesterday and this morning I was happy for the bit of grace. I checked my bank account balance before I left for work this morning and very happy to see my pay check was deposited early!!! And there for I was able to pay on my bill, in the nick of time too... they said the order for disconnect was already out in the field.

See it's little things like this that I see his hands on, not just the big miraculous. For some it maybe just a coincidence, for me it is my God taking care of me and my family's needs.. on his time table ofcourse.

Also this morning I got a chance to call into a radio program and comment on the clip of Oprah they had played in regards to what some are calling her new age church (google it or look it up on youtube or godtube). I was commenting on the fact that she said faith and God, is a feeling that you don't have to believe in one particular book or theology but on your feelings towards a higher power. My comments are you can not base your belief system on feelings or interpit the Bible on feelings.. because feelings change day to day, they are inconsistent and can be wrong. But God is The same yesterday, today and Forever, he never changes. Sometimes I don't FEEL like I am forgiven, and there was a time when I FELT I needed to do good works to enhance my salvation or earn my way to heaven but I now know that despite how I felt, what Jesus Christ did on the cross paid it all in full and I can not add to what he did by doing good deeds or take away from what he did when I fall short... IT IS FINISHED. His grace is sufficient!!

Reason

2008-04-08T16:41:00.000-07:00

I cry every time I see this video because it is so my story! This was me and this is what Jesus did for me (and you)!

I don't much about clothes but my hair is Fierceee!!!

2008-04-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

Rock Star Hair Studio, Troy, MO

Tags: Rock Star Hair Studio

Nostalgia~rama

2008-03-31T22:03:00.000-07:00

First I find my old best friend from when I was growing up. Then I start scrapbooking with the girls and go threw all these old pictures and now this!!!!!!!!

New Kids to Perform on 'Today' - AOL News

You Just don't even understand how I was soooooo nuts over NKOTB. I didn't just simply have my walls covered in posters.. I had my ceilings and closet wallpapered. They were my first concert.

Ofcourse Donny was my fav and I have followed his and his brother's acting career with great pleaser *yum* lol jk

Does this happen to everyone when theY turn 30..um something.. everything comes back around to make you feel even older??? LOL

Maybe if they do come in concert I will take my girls and we can hoop and holler together.

Tags: NKOTB, NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK, CONCERTS,

what’s behind my current myspace profile song

2008-03-30T07:13:00.000-07:00

what’s behind my current profile song on my myspace page (wish AOL journals made it easier to include music)

Just so you know.. I normaly put alot of thought behind what I add as my profile song andd Headline on my myspace page. Here is the lyrics for the song I currently have:

Casting Crowns: I Am Every Man

I’m the man with all I’ve ever wanted
all the toys and playing games
I am the one who pours your coffee, corner booth each Saturday
I am your daughter’s favorite teacher
I am the leader of the band
I sit behind you in the bleachers
I am every man

I’m the coach of every winning team and still a loser in my mind
I am the soldier in the airport facing giants one more time
I am the woman shamed and haunted by the cry of unborn life
I’m every broken man, nervous child, lonely wife

CHORUS:
Is there hope for every man
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
Is there hope for every man
Is there love that never dies
Is there peace in troubled times
Someone help me understand
Is there hope for every man

Seems there’s just so many roads to travel,
It’s hard to tell where they will lead
My life is scarred and my dreams unraveled
Now I’m scared to take the leap
If I could find someone to follow
Who know my pain and feels the weight
The uncertainty of my tomorrow,
The guilt and pain of yesterday

CHORUS: (reprise)
There is hope for every man
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
There is hope for every man
There is Love that never dies
There is peace in troubled times
Will we help them understand?
Jesus is hope for every man

It is one of my new fav songs. When I first heard it on the radio I ofcourse idenfied with the women haunted and ashamed by unborn life. But I am not brought down by that thought.. I am uplifted because I am free of that guilt and shame and I now have hope. Free yes Free!! I used to be so plauged by the hurt of abortion, I have come along way since I have allowed the Lord to work on me and heal me. Yes I am still sad, and miss having that sweet baby, she would be about 16yrs old but the hope comes in knowing I will see her in Heaven when I get there and as the Lord has forgiven me of her murder, so will she. Beautiful.. I love you and miss you!

Tags: Casting Crowns, Abortion, Silent No More

JLand Photo Shoot #131 - Sacred

2008-03-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

JLand Photo Shoot #131 - Sacred

Josh got a new fancy semi pro camera to help him take up a hobby. I encouraged him to play along in these J~Land challenges to help him get ideas lol but this is what he said:

"This a picture I would submit as "sacred" . Independence Hall with an American Flag waving to the side. You can post it for me if you want. I just can't bring myself to start a "blog".

LOL I don't know why he has such an abrasion to blogging.. silly man of mine. But I will post his pic for him because I love it and I didn't have time to do mine.. I was going to take a pic of my wedding ring as an entry for Sacred. As you may guess Josh is currently in Philly and oh what wonderful things he gets to see being right down town. I hope the kids and I get an opportunity to visit him if he is there threw the summer to see all the historic sights.

Intendance Hall is where the first Congress signed The Declaration Of Independence. They also have on display one of the original copies but Josh said it was too crowded and dark to get a good picture of it. I think this is an excellent place to consider Sacred.. it is a turning point in history and should be very dear to every American.

Tags: Philadelphia, Independence Hall, Sacred, JlandPhoto Shoot

What 10 things would you say to a friend you havn't seen in a long time... UPDATED!!!!!!!!

2008-03-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

Almost 2yrs ago I posted this entry.. some of you may remember.

What 10 things would you say to a friend you haven't seen in a long time?

http://journalsparks.com/#

What 10 things would you say to a friend you haven't seen in many years?

Every now and then my mind wonders back to my teenage year's best friend Tonya Ashley. (If you know her please tell her Mary misses her!)

1. I have missed you very much and think about you often.

2. I have a good life and for the most part am happy, are you?

3. I have tried to find you again and it hurt so much to go back to Vegas that last time knowing you were probably there somewhere and I couldn't see you.

4. I have worried about you and prayed for you, especially after our last conversation those years ago.

5. Are you safe now, have you settled down yet?

6. Have you learned to forgive those who have hurt you or do you still carry so much hate in you?

7. What happen to you in the past was not your fault and the things that were are all behind you.

8. You have a beautiful soul and are so loved, even when you try to push others away.

9. You are invited back into my life and I hope we can be even better friends then we were in our youth.

10. Get your butt to STL and see me!!!

Well the most awesome thing has happen! Tonya and I have gotten back in touch with each other (finally). Myspace is a wonderful thing sometimes : )

So at last I showed her the 10 things I wanted to say to her and here are her responses. I kind of put her on the spot but that is ok lol.

1. Me too!

2. Ya, finally

3. Ya I feel the same way, that I wished I could find you. I probly wasn't in Vegas then anyway.

4. ya, well I am done with that, so don't worry.

5. Yes, I pulled my head out of my *ss.

6. No, I have learned to forgive, working on it

7. Not sure what to say to that, but I am more free now

8. Thanks, friend. I felt like I had to put a wall up to protect myself. working on that.

9. Whoo hoo..

10. Sure, ok.. when you pay for it or I grow wings.

Pics from Easter

2008-03-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

Video from Easter Worship

2008-03-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

My Lilly and Sophia are in the front wearing the purple and green tunic shirts. They all did wonderful and worked real hard on this worship service for Easter!! I just have to say Lilly looks like she took it that extra mile and was very exaggerated in her movements lol.

My Annie is in the front looking very serious (and grown up aww). She knew it so well that she was put there so the other girls could keep up lol. I think when they all are in sync it is sooooo beautiful!

Tags: Easter, New Beginnings Family Church St Peters MO, worship, video

What your chocolate bunny may be thinking.. lol

2008-03-23T06:38:00.000-07:00

saw this pic and had to share.. too funny!

Have a Blessed Resurrection Sunday.

I gotta hold a sweet baby!!

2008-03-19T16:18:00.000-07:00

Me and my friend's baby, Hadassah

My phone takes pretty good pics huh!

Spark Of Anticipation

2008-03-18T16:35:00.000-07:00

Reading threw the CNA text book a phrase jumped out at me, "spark of anticipation". It was so poetic! I had to write it down and pray that it was something I could learn to give to the patients and clients I would come to work for and maybe also remember how to find my own spark too. How to exactly do that wasn't stated beyond being friendly and personable.

I have been warned about getting attached to clients and that I should try not to let that happen. That is about impossible for me to avoid I think. In fact I think it is too late lol. I'm not at a facility right now but doing in home aid and when you see the same person day in and out and get to know them and care for their personal needs how can you not come to have some kind of feelings? I am not a robot but somewhat sensitive myself. I try and not take it home with me but there has been occasions when I could not leave my concern and worry at the door when my client was not doing well or having a bad day. I couldn't wait to see her the next day hoping she had improved. Thankfully that is not most days.

Yesterday I called in sick for the first time. My stomach was a mess and I was also over tiered from the weekend and emotionally drained (Josh left back on the road and that always depresses me too). I didn't feel too guilty about not being able to show up for work because I knew the family would be there (and most of this week) and she would not be alone. I stayed in bed almost the whole day and went to bed early last night. That helped alot but my stomach is still kinda messed up. I don't know if it is indigestion or stress or both.

When I got to work this morning I asked my client how her day was yesterday. She said, "it was terrible" "Terrible! Well why was that hon?! What happen?", I asked. What she said next touched me, "Oh nothing really. It was just because you were not here" Awwwwwwwwwwww! That is so sweet, is that part of the spark? Ofcourse she was exaggerating but a little twinge of guilt crept in about me calling in sick, but I fought it because I know I have to be well to make sure she stays well. Still it is nice to know I was missed.

I don't have to do much for my client. She is pretty self-sufficient but her family doesn't want her left unsupervised and have some one there is she needs extra help. Today I was told I was doing too much for her and that she needs to do everything for her self. I feel lazy enough as it is with just laying out her meds and diabetic testing stuff and making breakfast. Other than that I don't do anything but occasionally help her with her shoes and make sure she is not falling in the shower. I more or less just remind her to do things and be a companion. Guess I am supposed to just sit there? Ugh. LOL. I know don't complain, I have it easy right now and the next client may not be so laid back.

Going back to that spark of anticipation. What is yours? What do you look forward to every day, keeps you going? Knowing I am needed by my family and friends and my client I guess is mine, keeps me from being lazy. Also you can really tell I get lighter in the step when I am expecting hubby home *wink* I know I also need to have something for myself, and not put my happiness in others too. Beyond ordering my life around church and certain tv or radio shows, I do really look forward to writing these little posts (when I can think of something worth posting). And I love reading the feed back from my friends or passerbyers *hint, hint*

I know everyone has not picked up my reappearance to the online community lol and I am trying to reconnect with everyone. I have a long list of people on my buddy list that I hardly recognize and all my journal alerts have been turned off.. I can't find how to turn them back on threw AIM.. and I am kind of scared too, knowing how it fills my in box. Also alot of the blogs I have in my other journal section has gone private with out leaving me an invite to read *waaaaah*. So if you see me online feel free to give me a shout out threw IM or if you have noticed I have not been to your blog in awhile leave me a link or an invite. And if you want to announce to others that I am connected again..that would be appreciated.

Tags: blogplugs

Puzzling

2008-03-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

Puzzles have been on my brain since I have to do them at work. I never have been one to love putting puzzles together but my dad would sit for hours when he was sick and do the massive thousand pieces at the card table. I'm not that ambitious, we started with a 100 and have worked up to 500 pieces puzzle. It also helps if the picture is something you enjoy and look forward to finishing. After a month of it I must say it has grown on me and I am getting better.

I was contemplating this week (while working on the puzzle lol) how life and maybe God can be like a big puzzle and how exciting it is when you can fit pieces together and get closer to seeing the bigger picture. How as in puzzles, life is easier when you have a blue print to look at as you construct and a starting foundation of getting all the edge pieces out first and building that boarder. Sure you don't have to do it that way, some people prefer more of a challenge and like starting in the middle and not having the picture to go off of but I like a guide and knowing somewhat what I am striving for.

In life we don't always get the Big Picture until we are done but we do have a foundation to build on. Not always the best mind you and often we have big holes that are works in progress looking for just that right fit to mend it all together. Sometimes big bullies come along and tear down what we have already put together and we need to rebuild. Sometimes it's God that does the tearing down because we were trying to jam two things together and leave it miss matching and he wants to help build that marvelous picture he has intended for us. How disappointing and painful that can be, frustrating but after the process is over and we see the out come it is well worth it.

Sometimes when I am working on the puzzle I get too focused on just one particular area and get exacerbated with myself when that little blob of white is not going with the rest of the blobs, I just know that is a cloud and needs to be up that away.. gurr why won't it go. After leaving the table and letting my eyes rest I come back and see it didn't go there at all, I was trying for the wrong place, it really was lace on a ladies skirt.. duh why didn't I see that. I kind of equate that to prayer and fellowship, that resting and coming back refreshed and able to see clearer or a helpful word from a friend who may see things different from afar. That exhilaration I get from snapping a section together is like that click in my spirit when a particular scripture speaks to me and helps me understand more. Like the first time I understood when Jesus said on the Cross, "It is Finished" how meaningfull and freeing and drawing me closer to seeing a complete work that is being done within me.

I know all the pieces in my life won't just come together and I won't see all of the Big Picture until after my life is over. For now we see in part and know in part.. but so far I have the boarder done, and am coming along with big sections.

How about you?

Tags: puzzles, life

Whistle while you work : )

2008-03-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

Entering back into the workforce after 8years of being a stay at home mom or as I have come to think of it.. a protective bubble, has at times been a bit of a shock to the system. While being a SAHM my interaction with the world out there was limited to my family and their friends, my church family, and my buddies online. Now I have a whole new set of acquaintances and run ins with people who normally don't run in my circles nor have my same set of values. It's not that I am not tolerant of others or am capable of dealing with other people, it just floors me sometimes, really awakens to me to the times we are living. The whole lying and passing the buck, fudging on paperwork is what disturbers me the most. I can handle bad attitude and disgruntled and try and not let that infect me (because it can be contagious). It is when people straight up lie, people in authority and who are supposed to be responsible for other employees and clients/customers. My God.. I know it is hard to admit when we have made a mistake but if you tell the truth it makes life easier and people will respect you for it.

I am not talking about just one instance or even anyone place I have worked for. I have held three jobs in the past 5 months and at each one I have ran into blatant dishonesty and ugly behavior and keep in mind one of those places was a church daycare. It just makes me appreciate my former SAHM status all the more lol. If this what Josh has to deal with on a daily basis I can understand more why he prefers not to associate with work friends after he is home.

Since I have to work I will try and keep a positive out look, let my little light shine and do what I know is right. And as simple a thing as that sounds, it can be hard out there, but I will not fall into that trap. I had to opportunity the other day and saw it a mile away for what it was, a snare the enemy was trying to put out there for me to walk into. And it's funny, when you are honest, and keep a smile on, you are considered the weird one.

Tags: work ethics

OFFICIALLY OUT OF THE TECHNOLOGICAL DARK AGES!!

2008-03-05T21:22:00.000-08:00

I'M BACKKKKKKKKK!!!! AND PERMANENTLY NOW!

OHHHHHHHH-YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! No more having to wait on Josh and his computer or having poor signal and my slow as molasses computer. No more being out of touch with the WWW. Breathing a big deep sigh of happiness.. awwwwwwwww e-mail, IM, and not least of all,. bloging to my hearts content.. till my fingers cramp with the signs of carpeltunel!! So be prepared, Mary is back and she has a whole lot of catching up to do!!!

I have so much NEW (tax return came and spent) to get used to. New computer, new cell phone (with unlimited texting and web and messaging yaaah), new house phones and DSL, the TV is back on. All sorts of fun things to get used to. I should never feel cut off again with all that lol. Also new.. new job (I'll get into that soon) and our church is moving this week into a new building. See the theme lol.

Josh got me the new computer about a week or so ago.. I haven't really touched it until now that it's hooked up to the net. I would of preferred a laptop but this new desk top will be good too. It has a dvd/cd burner and light scribe. It also has ugh, Vista and trial software (what ever happen to having everything bundled together or thrown in with it!!) But I am elated by having lots more memory and thus a faster puter. I had our other desktop for just about 8yrs! I have tons of pics and docs that I need to store off of it somehow. But on the other hand when we get a new monitor we may just hook it up for the kids. At least that is what they think shouldhappen lol.

We finally switched from Sprint to AT&T for our cells. I lobbied hard for Zane to get one but Josh seems it best to wait a little longer and since we have a house phone now we can be just as well connected with each other as if he had one. Sorry son that you still have to be known as the only one at school with out one. I got the new pink Walkman phone but until we get the memory card for it, it is not much good as an MP3 player. No such thing as simple buy and have it all out of the box.. always some kind of accessory you have to get to get the full use out of the new technology. That is growing highly annoying and expensive. Ringtones at almost $3 a pop?! OUCH.And the deposit just about killed it all for me. But it does have radio and all the other thrills.. camera, video, web,. song ID and when I do get music set up in it all I have to do is give it a shake to shuffle. I was glad they were able to load my phone book from my old phone on to it but somehow it has cell and home on my contacts mixed up.. so I have to figure out how to change that. Josh got the same model.. different color of course. He says he doesn't like his.. harder to hear and be heard on calls he thinks. I foresee a hand-me-down to the boy.. maybe??

We are sorely disappointed with our phone company. They have the monopoly right now in my area ugh. Originally we only wanted to get DSL service. I had a flier in the mail last month about how you didn't have to have a phone line to get it. They give Josh a different story when he went to set it up. Then it took over 3 days to turn on and have the new modem delivered.. I can kinda understand that. But when we got another flier in the mail advertising what we wanted that really pissed off Josh and when he called they give him some lame excuse and runaround. Well, at least we have a set price for a year and maybe by then cable will be out here.

Yikes.. it's getting late and I must be up and at work at 7a.m. But.. I shall be back and I WILL be catching up on all my reading too.

One last quick note...

2008-02-05T10:48:00.000-08:00

I got the J O B !!!

At least it's something and I will become a CNA after 16weeks of classes. Pay sucks.. $7.00 an hour (unless I work over nights and that isnt going to happen) But after I get my cert. I get a raise up to $8.50 an hour.

I will be keeping a paper journal and when I come back online I am sure I will have lots to say.

Supper Dupper Tuesday.. whoopie do da

2008-02-05T05:57:00.000-08:00

Three major things today.. ok four. One, I have a job interview today. Two, the primaries are today and I may vote. Three, Josh flies away out of town. And four, this will be my last entry for awhile.

Today will either be very eventful with excitement and new beginnings or another day to check off the calendar and chalk up to the ho hum column. I am excited that after cramping my hand last week filling out applications ten pages long, that at least one place has called me. It is for a Nurse's Assistant position at a place about 15 min down the highway. The facility (which I didn't know when I applied) houses how should I say it.. um.. mainly mentally challenged people and some of the aged with dementia. Am I qualified?? LMBO.. NOPE ABSOLUTELY NOT!! They must be desperate. But hey I am up to new challenges and if I can get free training and get certified it may be worth the experience. See... that Psychology I took in H.S. and the little bit in Collage I, may come more in handy then just annoying my husband with my analisist. LOL. Besides I am getting desperate and either this is that blessing I have been praying for or practice for the next interview. I hope I can find something soon. I hate job hunting and we may be getting hungry by next week.

The political pundits call today Supper Tuesday. The Heathens (jk) call today Fat Tuesday. To me it is Tuesday February 5th. My car payment is officially late. My littlest one,Sophia is home sick again. And my jail bird brother's birthday is in four days (guess I should get him a card or have he kids make him one?) I have never voted in a primary before and I was thinking of voting in this one but the choices suck. Forget the Democrat side.. you can't pay me or buy my vote either way. And the Republican side?? I am finding it very hard to be excited about any one of them. Only one is strong on the social issues but weak on all the others. One I feel is being shoved down my throat because he is seen as the one who can win the race but to me his record speaks for it's self and I just can't support him. And last but not least the one who is apart of a cult (ooh did I say that) and no way with a good conscious can I vote for him. So not much of a choice here. Come November I may just be sitting it out, counting down the days to the END. I am soooooo sick of this election already. They started way too early I think and I have been overloaded into indifference. I am starting to not see much different in either party or candidate. There is not an outstanding person to hang hope on as I see it. The momentum of where this country is heading doesn't seem to be able to be stopped. IMHO the war waged on our country can not be stopped unless we turn our faces to God and repent. Stop government funded and daily murders of our most innocent. Till then there will be no end to this or any war against us.

Josh is leaving for almost 3 weeks. Good bye baby, be safe, come home quick. While it is wonderful having him home, he hasn't worked and that always sends us into a tail spin financially. Plus lately I don't know what it is but it seems like we get so frustrated with each other, like we are speaking two different languages. I don't know how much more of this traveling we can take but for now it is what has got to be done.

And with Josh goes my internet connection. Even if I get home Internet bonafied, my desk top puter is about ready to RIP. I highly doubt with taxes we will get a new one. Too much on the list of must and needs to where that is going, it is spent even before it gets here (which is sooooon I hope). I may get an entry or two in over at my friend who has internet but I always feel bad when I do that. I know she doesn't see it that way but I feel like I am using her when I do that I and don't want to be like that. One week just isn't enough time to catch up with all the online pans I have in the fire or reading I wanted to get done. Just know I am thinking of you my dear online friends, you and yours are in my prayers and I hope to come back to you soon and find you all well and strong and blessed.

Trying Not To Indulge In Those Negative Vocies

2008-01-31T06:48:00.000-08:00

It is sooo true that we fight not flesh and blood but in spirit and spiritual principalities. And the battle is in the mind. I know this very well.. I have for a long time in my walk. A lesson learned and relearned. So often when those voices, thoughts, ideas, not from God creep in I have been equipped to tell them Get Behind Me, Leave, resist the devil and he will flee. Calling out those lies that attack you, speaking to it the Truth and sometimes having to remind me the TRUTH about myself has helped stayed off depression, pulled me threw hard times, built me up.

But the other night in the wee hours I let them get to me, keeping me up, indulging in tears and self hate, agreeing with what I know is not true. Isn't it amazing how in the dark and quiet hours of the night those demonic voices can become so loud and clear and almost seem to make sense. And I am not talking about sckitzo voices or literal audible voices (just so you know I am not crazy, I am talking figuratively). That self sounding voice telling me I am not good enough, I don't measure up, how rejected I am, how horrible everything in my life is, all the things I can't do for myself or for my family, how I am a big fat looser and failer and that no one really knows or cares, a pity party with tears being the cake that I ate all to myself leaving me sick.

This is where I am supposed to say BUT The Joy comes in the morning, I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abanded, struck down but not destroyed, and I'm alll good, everything is going to be alright. I want to say that, but I am not there yet, not just yet. I know if I focus on the Lord it will help and I am trying, knowing not to live my life by feelings that change day to day but by faith in a God that is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and that he will never leave me or forsake me. How can I be down when I know that with out a shadow of doubt in my heart? The cares of this life is getting to me and the light hearted me, the trusting me, the me that just knows it will be ok eventually is fighting to come thru but her voice is muffled with the daily pain, disappointments, let downs, selfishness of wanting and needing more of what I have.

I know there is no magic wand to wave that will make it all better, or a kiss on my boo boo that makes pain vanish and the bumps and scrapes all right. I almost don't want to be consoled but some positives right now would help. A crumb of hope. Something to hold on to. A dentist that would do work for free or considerable reduced rate, a mortgage company that will give us a set rate, a job that fits the box I need to be in right now to accommodate my family's schedule, more time with my husband with out having to be penalized with him not having work and getting us more behind, friends that are givers not taker and are understanding and won't give looks of concern but give positive reinforcement. Or just once to be able to say YES to my children when they ask to sign up for dance class with their friends or even to be able to buy them jeans where the knees aren't going to blow out in a week or shoes that don't come from Wal-Mart and fall apart in two months. Right now that seems like a tall wish list but just one prayer answered right now would be the world to me.

the song on my myspace page right now.. descries me to a T right now:

Fallen
She's a wreck
Fragile and scarred
Life is work and living is hard
She's tired of the pain, tired of the fix
She's tired of the games and the politics

She's running on empty
She wants an alternate ending

And she's falling
She's falling in love with You
She's so hopeless
She's hopelessly drawn to You

She can feel the weight of the past
It drags her down but she's fighting back
She wants to fly far away from here
She wants a God that won't disappear

She's all out of chances
She is looking for answers

And she's falling
She's falling in love with You
She's so hopeless
She's hopelessly drawn to You

The sun is on the rise
New days coming
You see it in her eyes
She's runnin'
Head long into the light
Let the new day come

And she's falling
She's falling in love with You
She's so hopeless
She's so hopelessly drawn to You

The sun is rising in her eyes
Hold on, the day will come
Love is waiting
Running to the light
Hold on, the day will come

Words by Michael Tait

I'll try and not cram too much into one entry

2008-01-28T09:08:00.000-08:00

Here I am.. do you miss me??? I miss you and my blogging. I always have so much I want to say and limited time to update when the computer is available to me. I have tried taking up paper journaling but it just isn't the same and I have even started to call into talk radio to voice my opinions.. still not the same. Oh well.. this can't last forever and eventually I will have the capabilities to blog and e-mail and comment and do groups to my heart content.

Meanwhile I have had a birthday. Someone who should of known better asked me how old I am now. My response was "Old enough" and they said "Old enough for what" with a playful smile. And me always quick with a comeback said "old enough not to be the youngest in the room anymore" And it' true Josh and I used to be the youngest married couple, not anymore. And I used to be the youngest at women's group.. not for some time now. But still I am younger than most of my friends so I don't get away with complaining about being old.

January Birthdays always seem to get jipped because of Christmas so I did not expect much of anything for my Birthday. Still I EXPECTED two or three calls saying Happy Birthday. Of all ppl I expected my husband to call me. He is out of town constantly for work but we talk daily and I had reminded him that it was coming up. He took it as nagging and guffed.. ya I know. My birthday was on a Saturday, a day he was not working. I waited and waited. Then I got concerned when his cell went to voice mail the 10 times I tried calling and no response to texting. I thought surely something is wrong. His phone is never turned off and EVEN if it was he could borrow someone's to call. I don't keep a roster of his co-worker phone numbers so I had no way of getting ahold of him. I finally broke down and called one of the wives to ask if she could call and have her hubby check on mine.. that surely he must be lying in a ditch somewhere or his phone is stolen or he is in jail because it's my birthday, its almost 9:00 p.m his time and I have not heard from him all day and he is a good caring husband that wouldn't blow off his wife on her birthday.

With in 10 minuets of calling that wife I got a call from Josh. His excuse was his ringer was turned off and he had been sleeping most of the day. He said he was goinggggg to calllll eventually. Yes, I did give him an earful followed up with hanging up on him. Too bad with cell phones they don't have those loud slam down clicks like the old phones so he couldn't really hear it. But from what I gather all the guys he works with know about it and gave him a good hard time for me. LOL. No he hasn't made up for it really but his time home is always short so I will try and not hold it against him. I will just chalk it up to typical male behavior and get over it. Because after all.. love doesn't hold a record of wrongs.

Another event while I have been away is one of Annie's (my oldest daughter) school mates died. The 5th grade boy died suddenly from juvenal diabetes and it is very shocking to our community. Annie had him in her class for 3rd and 4th grade and some of her friends were close to him. She is very sad and I am trying to keep an eye on her. We went to the viewing but were unable to attend the service for him. For Annie it was important to her to say goodbye even if she knew that was just his body and he was not really there. And we did cry. The funeral home was standing room only with family and friends. He was very much liked and loved. I know the school did a fundraiser for the juvenile diabetes foundation in his honor and thechildren have had opportunities to express their grief. It's just hard to see. My daughter is a very sweet, soft spoken and caring girl and takes things to heart, like her mother. We are praying for the family and our community. Josh is spending the day with her and giving her extra attention and I asked the adults in children's church to maybe talk to her about it and see if they can get her talk about it and if they see any areas of concern.

Lots of events coming up too. Super Bowl Sunday church is having a party with a chili cook off. Dare 2 Share is coming to town in a few weeks and Zane is going. Wish I could go again this year with the youth but I don't think I can swing paying for the both of us. Women's retreat is at the end of March and I really want to go but not sure how I can work that out money wise and finding some one to take care of the kids. It's funny because the theme this year is "How to be a Mary in a Martha world". The other day I was just telling my friend how she was SUCH A MARTHA and that is one of her giftings. She is very new to the Bible and her faith in Christ and exclaimed, "What! I am nothing like Martha Stewart!" taking it as an insult. LMBO I had to explain to her about the scripture talking about Mary and Martha and the two different personalities. (Luke 10:38-42)

I am a bit bumming right now about my work situation. I love working at the Day Care, even if it was for very little and it wasn't the most economical in gas. I was getting a paycheck and enjoying what I did. But the Day Care has been shut down temporally so they can do reconstruction and get up to code better. Going on to the second week and I am not for sure when it will be back up and running. We really need the extra money and I will probably have to look for another job. And you know how I hate the whole job search thing. So that is all in prayer.

Hoping to be back more this week and get to catch up on all the blog reading I have been missing. Leave your link!

'07 HOLIDAY HIGHLIGHTS

2008-01-07T06:50:00.000-08:00

I had swore to the kids they were not going to get ANYTHING for Christmas this year. I won't even go into what they did to make me so angry to threaten that.. I can laugh now but at the time I was very upset. Sophia my precocious little one told one of my friends that it was ok mommy wasn't going to get her anything because on Christmas we go to Grandma & Grandpa's and they always have presents (snot). So they were very surprised when they got the big gift that they did.

My mom had sent store gift cards this year (lazy lol jk) and that helped go toward buying the PS3. I also have been working at a daycare so that extra helped too. (I love holding babies all day BTW) But I had to go out on Christmas Eve to shop.. that was CRAZY!! I hope next year I can afford to plan ahead better. Now we are so broke.. not sure how I am going to get threw the next week but some how we always do.

We got the girls Blue Ray DVDs to unwrap and I had to play like I bought the wrong kind..oops. And then when Zane opened Guitar Hero III, I told him it was so he could play over at his friends house who has the PS2..oh no that is PS3, man I have to take that back too, sorry. So when they opened the PS3 they were totally surprised and I loveeeeee the expressions I got in the pic.

Josh I got a travel digital picture slide show frame so he can take us with him where ever he goes. I reallylike it and may have to strongly hint for one for Mother's Day or my Birthday. Josh couldn't wait till Christmas to give me my gift. He got me a diamond journey pendant necklace. I love showing it off where ever I go.. "look what I got from my hubby" and I get lots of ohhs and awws. The only reason I am not freaked out about it is because he promises he got it on sale at a good price. My daughters crack me up, insisting that he get me the matching earrings to go with it (i didn't even know there were any). I bet that is what I get next year.

Josh and I got a night out and had a nice time at his company's Christmas party. Yummy food and they even gave the wives a $25 credit card gift card.. only bummer was I forgot mine at our table and didn't realize it till the next day. Darn, that was going to pay for my haircut. Oh well.. someone got extra this year.

For New Year's I left Josh home with the kids and had a girls night out. We went to a club where my friend knows the owner. I was wayyyyy underdressed.. everyone was dressed to the nines and dancing. I had fun spending time with my friends but it was not my scene and prob would of had just as good a time at home. Another sign I am getting old.

Josh leaves today and I have hardly had any computer time! Maybe if my work can give me a consistent schedule I can get home Internet back. But as it is now I make just enough to help cover the gas and buy some extra groceries. I am happy though just to be able to help and get back to work and gain any kind of work experience for the resume.

Hope you all had a great Holiday and this year will bring many blessings your way.

lMBO... CHUCK NORRIS APPROVED

2007-12-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

My son found this video funny.. silly that he would base HIS vote on a Chuck Norris endorsement, um..well they say Chuck Norris doesn't endorse he tells you how it's going to be. Me, I am still undecided.

Tags: Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee

Pastor turns blogger!!

2007-11-26T22:06:00.000-08:00

On August 25, 2003 I embarked into the world of Blogging and fell in love with the writing and the connection to others. Four years ago no one that I knew had a clue what a blog was (and most still don't lol). Over the years I have tried explaining my place in the blog-o-sphere (as little as it is) to friends and family but get little interest. What's that country song? I'm Cooler Online? LOL Anyway, it is always exciting to me when people I know off line cross over into having a place in cyberspace.

I have always taken joy in helping baby bloggers and promoting good journals and seeing them grow in writing and readership. So when my Pastor mentioned that he was thinking of starting his own blog I couldn't help but smile. FINALLY.. something I know about and can give advice on! It is just too bad that right now I am not online as regularly as I used to be and my help has to be limited.

I was hoping to get him to start an AOL journal since that is the format that I have found I like the best but I havn't been able to do all the e-mailing I wanted to this week and he took it upon himself to start a Blogspot Blog. Not such a bad place to blog at.. I know several people who went over there when AOL did the whole adding ads in the journals and infuriated the community, leading to an exodus of many of AOL Journals best writers. I tried Blogspot for awhile but I find AOL Journals better and easier to use, probably just because it is where I started and I don't like to stray off too much into learning HTLM to add pics and videos. I like the bells and whistles and control over here.

The least I can do is promote Pastor Jesse's blog, Jesus thru Jesse and ask you guys to check him out and give him some love and encouragement in his new endeavor. If you like my writings and the notes I post about scripture, then you will love his blog because he is part of the source I quote. He is posting notes from Sunday sermons and his thoughts and prayers on living a life for the Lord. The title for his blog was inspired because he wants people to see Jesus living in and working threw him. I doubt you will find some of the silliness that I post here, he is a serious guy but if you come to know him you will find he does have a bit of humor too, fun loving and always open to answering questions. I hope that while Josh is away he can read Jesse's blog and keep in touch with what I am learning and what is going on at church and keep growing in his own walk.

So go NOW and check out Jesus Thru Jesse and welcome him to the blogging community!!

Tags: blogging, Jesus thru Jesse, Pastor, AOL JOURNALS, Blogspot

Last month at the abortion clinic...

2007-11-25T06:15:00.000-08:00

I' had this entry plotted out in my head for over a month.. just waiting for the opportunity to write and now I am not sure how it will go. It's something of a note to the prolife community and to those who may want to question why and how they feel the way they do. A reminder that God IS LOVE and his mercy endures forever and since we are HIS we should imitate that love and mercy.

Last month I had the opportunity to stand down at the down town Planned Parenthood with my "I regret my abortion" sign. Not something I get to do very often but Zane was taking part in the Silent Siege and I have friends who stand down there weekly so I knew I would not be just down there by myself. Along with the silent siege and me and my friends there was a cluster of other people there with their own signs and even one guy holding a window blind spray painted "I am pro choice". Some were down there for the first time with a church group.

I need to remind my self that I really should mentally and spiritual prepare if I go down there again. I have done this before but this day shook me. I was only there a few hours but watching those girls go in and out for that short of time and knowing what is going to happen to them and the pain they are bringing on themselves is so dishearting. And there was so many. A steady flow of cars driving threw the black iron gates, gates that were designed to keep foot traffic out but to me looked like they were more of pen, rounding up innocents being lead to the slaughter. I can understand why some who were seeing for the first time firsthand how many go to this clinic would be so up set, feel anger and helpless. It is one thing to read numbers and statistics on a page but to see it up close and know likely with each car a baby is being killed and a women is being torn into many pieces with in her heart (even if she will not admit it to herself).

There was a smell to the place.. a literal stench. At first I thought it was my imagination. That maybe because I knew what was going on in that place I had associated a smell to it. Rotten meat mixed with a burnt crispy smell. I asked my friend if she smelled it but she said it may but she was there so much that she had gotten used to it and didn't smell it anymore. Zane told me he thought the place smelled funny too and it was not in my head.

For the most part I stood there in silence holding my sign in front of the gate where the cars came in and out, where it could be read clearly. Some would look but most turned away in avoidance. Standing there a pool of emotional turmoil churned with in me. I wanted these women to know me, see me, believe me, hear my story. I know their pain, the uncertainty as she walks up those steps and the things she has to tell herself to make this "choice" right in her eyes, what others all around are telling her, how she will be better off.. and the lies the clinic workers tell to sell her into a life time of pain and regret. The words and courage welled up in me to call out, "Don't go there, I know and we can help! Let me tell you what it is REALLY LIKE before you go in there so you can make a REAL choice. If you go threw with this you will be changed for ever! You will never look at yourself or children the same again !! You will never forget!"

Sometimes a group of the clinic workers stood out side on a balcony, sneering at us and it felt like their gaze met mine the most. I tried not to meet their glares with hate and disgust but to pray, pray for a heart change. I had to pray alot to hold on and hum Jesus Lover Of My Soul to settle me, not letting self condemnations seep back in into me, remind myself I am loved and forgiven and the Lord loves all these people too and as much as my heart is breaking, how much more is Gods.

I didn't talk too much with anyone but overheard bits and pieces of conversations among the others standing. Some praying, some debating the atheist pro-choicer, some trying to talk with those going in and hand out pamphlets and engaging the escorts. One of the first timers was standing with his wife talking and holding a sign. He was becoming more upset as each car passed threw. Then he muttered at the clinic building "each of these women who go in should come out in a pine box dead, dead just like the babies they are killing" I stiffened in shock from his hateful words. As soon as he was done saying it he saw ME and my sign and grew embarrassed. He said to me "Sorry, no offence" and walked away. I was too much in shock to go after him and say "They do die afterwards, a piece of me did, they do come out as a shell.. don't you see it?! Where is your compassion?" I wish I had. His wife as shocked and embarassed as me looked at me and mouthed the words sorry. I told her "I was just like them going in. I know what they are thinking and feeling. They do this because they believe a lie"

And here comes the point of my whole retelling of this day from a month ago. I do not know this man's motives and why he was down there. He may of came to see what it was like and was not prepared. He may of had an abortion experience in his past and feels anger and loss. I can try and justify and explain away what he said. But on that day and at that moment he was a poor example and I hope he realizes it. It is examples like that, that make this fight even harder, gives the wrong impression to those on the outside looking in. It feeds in to the twisted media portrayal that the pro-life community are these hypocrites, angry, doesn't care about the women, anti-choicers and there for should be ignored.

I can understand being angry but we must check our heart. Out of the mouth the heart does speak. Our heart must be full of compassion, understanding, and love for these people so that when we are confronted with them our words will reflect what is pure, what is lovely and praise worthy, and what is of the truth.

Tags: abortion, Planned Parenethood, protest, prolife, prochoice, mercy, silent siege

Pics from our feast

2007-11-23T06:51:00.000-08:00

The Thanksgiving entry

2007-11-22T11:55:00.000-08:00

Again here I am ... so much to say too little time to post. But hubby will be home till Monday so I will hopefully get a bit of journaling in before he leaves again with the laptop and Internet.

It's THANKSGIVING!!! Oh how it has come so fast this year! Everything this year seems to be breezing by.. is it just me.. am I getting old or what lol. Remember when it felt like it took forever for Thanksgiving Break to come and when it did it felt like it lasted sooooooo long? This year it is just Josh and the kids for dinner. We had planned on having friends from church with their kids over so we bought a 23 pounder Tom but they are expecting and I swear she went into labor last night just to get out of my cooking LOL. (turning out that Josh is doing most of the cooking) But we are very excited for them and can't wait to meet their baby girl Hadassah (Hebrew for Esther) when she comes. We may be bringing them some dinner later up to the hospital.

I've just come off of a longgggggggg T.V. break. It was because we couldn't pay the bill but I like it with out TV.. seems God uses these times to help me get back into the Word and refocuses me. It is amazing how much I have read applies to all the situations in my life. This last month I have been in the OT alot... maybe I'll give my thoughts on some of the scriptures I read in a later post. But my point is I am playing a bit of catch up the last week with my few fav TV shows that started their new season while I was away. I was also flipping threw and landed on Rachael Ray's show. Not one I am a big fan of but she was talking Turkey. She showed this yummy looking Pomegranate Molasses glaze for the Turkey. I insisted we try it on our turkey. I should of took notes because I couldn't find it ANYWHERE on her website as was promised. I am not good at explaining recipes to Josh because we have miss communication on that front all the time. I had to hunt down how to make Pomegranate Molasses because no local store sells it.. only the juice. FYI.. check a Middle Eastern grocery. And I had to find somewhere that explained how to mix the glaze and when to apply it. Thankful for having the Internet! I'll let you know how it turns out and if it is as good as it sounded on tv.. seems like alot of pepper to me.

I hope everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving and has much to be thankful this year and the year to come. I am thankful that we have some how stayed afloat, that Josh has had steady work, that the children are doing well in school and that we are all in good health, and for all of the Lord's good provision.

Here are my notes from last Sunday's service about a Thankful Heart:

Psalm 100A Psalm of Thanksgiving.

1 Make a joyful shout to the LORD, all you lands!
2 Serve the LORD with gladness;
         Come before His presence with singing.
3 Know that the LORD, He is God;
         It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
         We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

4 Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,
         And into His courts with praise.
         Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
5 For the LORD is good;
         His mercy is everlasting,
         And His truth endures to all generations.

5 Attributes of a Thankful Heart:

1. JOY Ps. 100: 1-5, Ps. 19:8 - The Word Of God brings Joy to the Heart, Ps. 126

2. Gladness Ps 136- be glad because HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER

3. Dependence God is God and we are not. God is Greater than his Creation. As our Shepard he leads us.

4. Thankfulness can't give thanks unless you are full of it and KNOW HIM and why to be thankful. Luke 17

5. Gratitude Rom. 11:33-36 giving glory to God.

Tags: Thanksgiving, Pomegranate Molasses, Rachael Ray

Bella is Beautiful

2007-11-04T07:39:00.000-08:00

I had the opportunity this weekend to go see a WONDERFUL movie, bella. I was excited to see it not only because it was the first time to a movie with adult company in ages but also because all the reviews I heard and interviews with the actors and producers made bella seem a movie worthy of my money. I was not let down in the least and even clapped at the end as I wiped tears away.

Bella is a sweet love story, but not overtly romantic.. not that kind of love but more about the love for life and family and doing what is right and by doing so finding absolution. The ONLY reason this movie got a PG 13 rating is because of the premise of the movie is about a women who is pregnant and planning to abort. The movie is not overtly Pro-life or Pro-choice. It is beyond the rhetoric in my opinion. It has absolutely no cussing, nudity or violence and a positive message, a rare find these days.

If you can find this movie in your local theaters I compel you to go and watch it and if it is not at your theaters yet because of it's limited release then call the theaters or the distributor and demand they bring bella to your community!

Bella is Beautiful and it makes me miss you even more Beautiful.

Tags: bella the movie, bella, movie

Potty humor..

2007-10-22T06:36:00.000-07:00

Another case for my son being gross and making us laugh till we cry.

I specifically turned off the Myth Buster's episode this week about farting and gas for this reason.. the lovely terminology.

Flatus: the material (gas) that makes up flatulence. Flatus became the new zing word last night as we played family games to the point he had the girls chanting "FLATUS FLATUS FLATUS". Yes it was hilarious but to a point.. I had to threaten that the next person who says that word would miss a turn... and that only egged them on more.

Another inside joke is the word Apple. One day last month I was telling Zane that I was upset that in one of his video games the Supper Hero said "the A word". Lilly over hearing and not really knowing what "the A word" is said "A is for apple" Both Zane and I fell over giggling. So now apple also means "the A word"... and we have found many uses.. You have a rotten apple, wipe the brown spots off your apple, and it goes on and on...

And now thanks to Zane the girls think the snot in your noise is dead brain cells coming out.

Josh is leaving today for another two to three weeks so I get to control all this silliness myself. This week is parent teacher conferences and I only hope the potty humor has not spilled over to the class room and all will be ok.

Till next month friends, be blessed!

Tags: flatus, apple, snot, humor

Changes

2007-10-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

I officially became a mother of a teenager this month!! He is still my sweet, smart considerate baby boy.. with just a few changes. Besides the crop of zits and hair in new places, big feet and hands and sudden spurt of height (almost taller than me already) and deeper voice, he sure can be GRUMPY!! He always has thought he was smarter than me but now it's wayyyyy worse.. and scoffs at any suggestions I make. I tried to talk him into trying contacts but he wanted the quirky looking adult size glasses. And it seems he has now made it his mission in life to see how gross and funny he can be. I try not to laugh.. but it's hard not too. Zane and I have alot of inside jokes. Thankfully he is too busy to be into girls (yet.. at least he INSISTS he isn't)

Please pray.. because I don't know how I am going to take it when my girls turn into teenagers.. I am having a hard time loosing my little boy.

Tags: Zane, teenager

Pressed But Not Crushed

2007-10-20T05:44:00.000-07:00

Oh how I miss my blog and being able to share my thoughts and feelings... heavy sigh.. my blog is more for me to have an outlet then anything else. I miss being able to chronicle my highs and lows and ho-hums and get the occasional feed back. My safe place in plain sight. For awhile it's been ok with out access to blogging because I have had very good friends that listen to me, helping me stay sane while hubby is gone for weeks at a time for work. But you know gossip destroys many a good friendships, even when your not the one perpetrating it (not that I am fully innocent either) and trust has been lost. Maybe we will reconcile.. for I know that is what God would want and maybe this is just a breather break... but I think it is going to take a lot of Grace to get threw either way.

I have an easy going personality but that is mainly because I have learned that I am not the one in Control and God is able to provide, he has a grand plan. I just need to get out of the way, learn what lesson I need to and be changed from Glory to Glory. Yes, just like everyone I have hurts and stress, but for the most part even with all my troubles and what seems like a mounting list of negatives, my life is blessed and good. Trying to explain that to some one who is not getting that.. not just there in their faith yet and uses the guise of good intentions as opportunity to judge and criticize is exacerbating. Sometimes you have to forgive and over look alot to have certain friendships.. most often it is worth it. Everyone is wired different, everyone's walk and path with God is not the same so we need to be prayerfully patient with each other.. commanded to even.

One of my favorite songs is Trading My Sorrows. Part of the lyrics is based on 2 Corinthians 4

7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

This morning I went back to that chapter and vers.16-18 puts perfectly what I wanted to get across and assure why I do not worry day in and day out about the stuff and junk:

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

AMEN to that!!

On my bathroom wall I have taped notes from a sermon from months ago and I read it everyday. It is a reminder of how Christians are supposed to act and how they are to treat others. It is an ideal I fail at everyday but I am striving to improve and asking God to help me. I also have to remember that my sisters, like me, often are trying too and fail just as much.. so again we should be patient with each other.

REMEMBER

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;

Romans 12:9-16

Be Sincere: 9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.

Be Considerate: 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another;

Be Energetic: 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord;

Be Prayerfully Patient: 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer;

Be Warm, Practice Hospitality: 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.

<BR \>Be Different: 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.

Be Understanding 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

Be ONE- Harmony: 16 Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. <BR \>

We don't need no education.. We don't need no mind control..

2007-09-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

Been a long while since I was able to blog and I have so many things I would love to write on. But I don't want to abuse my friend's patients with me using their computer so I will just make a quick entry. Miss you all and hopefully soon I will get my Internet back on.

Groucho Marx Zane

This pic is a few months old and my budding teen has changed alot in that short of time. Zane's 13th birthday is coming up and I am not taking it well. How quickly time passes. It makes me feel so old to look at him and see him getting zits and armpit hair and a deeper voice. It does not feel that long ago when I myself was in 7th grade. And of course as always Zane keeps life interesting. Teacher conferences will be fun this year.

In his Civic's class a few weeks ago his teacher handed out the lyrics and played Pink Floyd's song The Wall and encouraged them to see the movie with their parents because it was too violent for her to show in class. This kind of cheesed me.. first question "What does Pink Floyd have to do with Civics????" The some what sheltered child I have had no clue who they were and I had to explain my perplexity to him. Back in MY DAY.. and we have established already that was NOT that long ago, Pink Floyd was only understood and listened to in an altered state of mind.. basically. Am I wrong?? At least that is the popular perception.. all those acid bands.. well duh labeled that because the fans and most musicians did acid. It is one of those drug culture things and I tried to tactfully explain that to him while at the same time encouraging him to stay away from drugs. Zane said the song had something to do with being against and standing up to Nazis. I still fail to see it.

So a week or so goes by and what happens to be on VH1 Classic.. Pink Floyd's The Wall. We flipped on the last ten minuets... the part where kids in private school uniforms are on a conveyer belt being dumped into what turns out to be a meat grinder and the kids come out the other side all ground up. To my adolescent son who lately seems to be enthralled by anything with blood and guts thought that was very cool but I guess I am getting old because the suggestion made me want to vomit. And then it went on to kids rebelling against teachers and beating them up and groups of kids walking in a line with the same distorted mask on and then in song breaking free and throwing off the masks. I have no problem with a healthy aversion to authority and being an individual.. but I still fail to see any Nazis in those scenes or how it was appropriate for my son and his peers to be turned on to Pink Floyd by a teacher. Am I wrong? Am I over reacting?

So Monday Zane enthusiastically retells the scenes he saw from the movie to his friends in Civics class. And also tells the class that his mother said you can't understand Pink Floyd unless you are HIGH. OMG...while this is hilarious in a way.. it is not exactly what I would of wished he would repeat to his class and teacher. I didn't say you HAD to be high to enjoy Pink Floyd..I was not encouraging drug use at all.. he some what twisted what I said.. oh how embarrassing. Like I said, Parent Teacher Conferences will be interesting this year.

Another mile stone this last week is AnnMarie went to her first Dare Dance. She was so excited as she leapt out of the car and said "See you later mom, byeeee" and ran to the door to go to the dance. I just cried and cried. I don't know why.. I should be glad my kids are blooming and gaining more independence from me. I know what it is..that darn Grandmother's Curse again.. is this how my mother felt when I was going into my teens? (although my kids are not half the trouble I was) Yes Mom.. go ahead and laugh!

Tags: poll, Pink Floyd, The Wall, Civics, teenagers, 7th grade, Dare Dance,

Bound 4 Life praying at Planned Parenthood St. Peters MO

2007-08-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

Bound 4 Life's Silent Siege

I'm A Quitter : P

2007-08-11T00:56:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have been a blur and feels like a month. I did get a J O B. For about two weeks lol. I worked for a cleaning service... a maid. I didn't mind the work and found it ironic.. I hate cleaning yet that is the job I landed. The houses were beautiful and not really dirty, just in need of routine cleaning. But still it was Hard work, my body is all in knots and aching. I am realizing I am not as young as I used to be lol. What sucked most about the job was where I was being sent and the gas it was taking.

I don't expect you to understand Saint Louis geography and it's surrounding areas but I live in Lincoln County, the office was in St Peters and then some of these houses she was sending me to was in Creve Core and Chesterfield. The straw that broke my back was when she sent me to Clayton as the last job of the day.. I didn't get out of that house till almost 7 and didn't get home till about 8 p.m. I made $9 an hour but she didn't pay for the mileage, just the drive time. She assured me that was only while I was on probation and once I was permeant I would make 50% of the house and that can average $15 an hour and make up for the gas. But Thursday I was D O N E done. My body ached, my heart was hurting from the guilt of spending so much time away from my family and the engine light came on the Van.. plus the heat! I may have justified the gas issue so that I could quit. Yessss I am a quitter! BUT I so tried, really I did. I prayed everyday as I was scrubbing toilets and trusting there was a purpose for me being where I was and I was trying not to covet and drool over what I cannot have. I tried to stay positive, chipper, and go the extra mile but I was starting to wear thin. It probably didn't help that we had Summer Adventure all week at church and I was up there helping right after work each night and I wasn't getting proper sleep. Oh well.. all practice for the next job. At least I did get two pay checks under my belt and that will help some. Back again to the

J O B search (YUCK)

It felt sooooooo good to sleep in Friday. I didn't do it on purpose but I guess my body was exhausted. And then I had Josh give me a deep body massage. That helped loosen me up but I could use about 5 more of those and then I would finally get all these muscles to stop being so sore. Now I have a ton of things to catch up on.. My own house work and earns to run and getting the kids ready for school. Josh has been home for a week and is getting ready to head out again Sunday. So much going on all at once. I guess I just need a good day of rest to recharge and refocus. No wonder people don't have time anymore to fellowship and just take time to care for others, we are too busy with our own stuff to make ourselves available for other's needs. I don't like that.. and I DONT want to turn into that.

Grandma Bea is burried in the pet cemetery

2007-07-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

Wednesday already? It has almost been a week since my Aunt's funeral. I am glad I was able to go. The time alone driving for one was good. I was able to pop in the CD player old messages from church and listen on the 5 hour drive to Indiana. And I didn't get lost!!

The funeral was sad but it was good to see family I had not seen in a while. Maybe that is the saddest part, family doesn't get together like that often enough. Sure we always say we will make more of an effort but the months and years go by and next thing you know it's another funeral.

I am sure my Aunt would have been very pleased by her service. She had a Van Morrison CD playing during the wake and the whole room was full of flowers. The eulogies were not overly religious and focused on her and her many fine accomplishments in her life. She was a hippy of sorts but settled into a good career as a nurse and later a teacher. She also worked with Aids patients in a time when it was not fashionable to do so. She had many colorful friends with interesting stories.

I couldn't say much. I tried to only focus on the good about my Aunt. Like how when I was young she gave me a sea shell collection for Christmas and I still to this very day have a shell box from it that I put little keepsakes in (not much from my childhood survived us moving around so much) and how I loved to brag that I had an Aunt who taught at a Big University. Or how you just had to love that dramatic streak in her. I kept to myself what was really going threw my mind.. like how I never got to tell her just what an impact that abortion she helped arrange was on my life or how when I was pregnant with Zane only two years later she in a drunken comment suggested a white male baby on the black market would go fast.

That night I did have a dream/nightmare of a chubby blue eyed baby and it is ironic I woke up to my period.

I don't know what hereternal destination is. Very little was said about her faith. And I like to think I have myself forgiven her and let go of any of the hurt she took part in my life, but sometimes I do battle feelings, feelings that I will now never be able to share with her. I will try and forget the worst of her and only remember the best of her.

I do know she lived her life to the fullest and she will be dearly missed by her family and friends and coworkers. Because of her I will try and enjoy more sunsets. I pray for my cousins because I know they are devastated by her passing and my Uncle who just seems so lost without her.

A neat thing I got to see was where Great Grandma Bea's ashes finally found a resting place. We were up late talking with my Mom and my Uncle and it was mentioned that my Aunt had buried her in the pet cemetery out back. Ofcourse I just had to see where that was. It was almost midnight and we were walking to a pet cemetery in the big wooded back yard. It was such a Stephen King moment lol. (my Mom and Aunt both love Stephen King) The story goes my Grandma Bea and my Grandma (the daughter in law) did not like each other very much, Grandma Bea was pretty mean from the sounds of it and Grandpa was the only one who would take care of her in her old age. When she died she wanted her ashes scattered over an ocean but Grandpa could not afford to make a trip and it was against the law to do it at the lake they lived off of. So for years and years Grandma had her ashes in the food pantry and it was the long running joke of the family.. Grandma in the end got the best of Grandma Bea. I guess my Aunt after a while became interested in Grandma Bea and thought of her as something of an early feminist who held court in high society (at the expense of her children according to some). So my Aunt decided that Grandma Bea deserved a better place than in Grandma's pantry. Her pet cemetery! LOL

I vaguely remember Grandma Bea. She is important to me in a way because I bear her name and carry it on. I do remember her pink ceramic candy dish. And that we were there for the funeral but us children stayed with a baby sitter durring because it was disrespectful for children to be at a funeral. I still kinda feel that way too and get somewhat miffed when ppl bring little kids to funerals (but I do understand everyone does not feel that way)

Times like these makes me wonder about my own legacy and what will be said of me when and if my time should come. I may not have a big career, or lots of money or important people as friends but I hope what will be said of me is that I was full of Love. The Love Of Christ. I should hope that the footprints I leave in others lives is for the better and not the worst.

I found a quote to that I want to start living by. Not sure who it is from but it was in The Laugh and Lift daily e-mail I receive.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Better, but not by too much

2007-07-03T11:52:00.000-07:00

Since my last entry things are a little better. We haven't lost the house but our monthly payment is going to be more and we cannot be late by even a day ... we have to now western union it or send a money order.. so that is another expense and we have a dreaded adjustable coming up too.. and with our credit we cannot refinance. So we looked into putting the house on the market and just renting till we can clean up our credit. We had an agent over just so we could get info and see what all that would entail and how much of a loss we may be looking at. What he had to say was no big surprise but it was not good either. If we were to put it on he market he was saying we are looking at least $20,000 less for what we paid for it mainly because the builder is selling our model with a basement right now for less and we are on a slab. And because it is a slab house it would probably take some time and the right buyer before it would sell. (when we org. got the house we were told one side of the subdivision was going to be slabs and the other side basements, but they stopped selling the slabs and everything now is being built with basements. There is only about 10 houses with slabs and ours is the biggest and only model with one) That sucks!! We cannot afford that much of a loss. So what it boils down to is we have to do everything possible to make it each month. Aside from us winning the Lottory (and we don't play it) or a big winfall, I have to find a job like tomorrow. One that pays at the very least $10 an hour and has a reasonable schedule so I am not paying too much for child care. Please keep me in prayer and tha God would help me in finding the right job and where he would have me be.

The last few days I have been cleaning and doing laundry like a mad women. The laundry is almost all caught up, I can actually see the laundry room's floor. The kids are done with summer school now so I have been putting them to work. You know they just love that (not). My closet is shaping up too.. the floor is bare and clothes put away, I can almost see the top of my dresser. Winter clothes are finally all put away and I am going threw all our clothes and getting rid of a lot. That will help cut down on laundry and clutter. Ideally I would like to get the kids down to 7 outfits and get rid of the rest but the girls have so many cute Ts I am finding it hard to let go lol.

We still have no satellite and are basically going without TV. This is a blessing in a way. We get a lot more done around here that is for sure and it allows more time for reading and having family time. We have been playing games with the kids after dinner and they are eating that up. Ofcourse the kids miss TV and are constantly saying "I'm board" and looking to me to entertain them. And I am missing my shows.. GH, The Sopranos on A&E, The Closer, My life on the D-List and my daily dose from the Fox News Channel. Guess I will have to just rent more and get my news from radio and print (yuck). But in a way I don't miss TV all that much and when Josh leaves with his lap top I won't miss the Internet as badly either. It's a return to a more simpler life I guess lol. You remember, the Technological Dark Ages LOL.

Today I should start packing. I got almost enough money together from generous friends to make the drive for my Aunt's funeral in IN. It is always humbling to have to ask for help and money and I was not going to go but I felt God stirring me and putting on my heart that I at least needed to try and go. I will be leaving early Thursday morning and it will be about a 6 hour drive. Josh and the kids are staying home, kids with my good friends and Josh will be working. It would have been nice if we all could go, funerals are about the only time EVERYONE gets together and it has been years since my other aunt and my cousins saw me and the children. But money is too tight for us all to go on a trip. Too bad because it would only be a few more hours drive to go to the new Creation Museum and that would be a great family field trip. Maybe next summer.

Tomorrow for 4th of July we are planning on going over to our friends house from church and watching the parade in O'Fallon. It goes right past their house. We have to get there early and I am not sure if we should just spend the day at home and save the gas it's going to take to go over there but I have to get these kids out of the house and the 4th of July is only once a year. We will have to make due somehow.

I pray that you all have a fun and safe Holiday. Don't blow off any fingers or toes. Drive safe if you are going to be on the road, wear your seat belt! And remember to meditate on how blessed we are to be an American and how thankful we should be to our troops, past and present for our freedom!

Moblogging.. trying out sending pics from my cell phone

2007-06-29T12:18:00.000-07:00

Pics n phone

These are some OLD pictures I have had stored in my cell phone but had no way of getting them off. They were too cute to just delete! First one is Sophia with one of her buddies and the others are from a day I took the kids to the park. Looks way better on my blog then it does on my phone!

I was reading Magic Smoke today (aol editors blog) and some how ended up in an entry about Moblogging. Nice info if you have the tec on your cell and service plan. Now you can text, send pics and video to your aol journal threw your cell phone! Ha, who needs a computer anymore, now with the Apple Iphone and other such cellphone providers?!!

Ofcourse I suck at texting.. not a big fan.. so I had to come back to edit after the pics uploaded : )

Anyone else do Moblogging??

Tags: Moblogging, cellphones, blogging