Exactly what I would of said If I blogged about it

Here is a link to my friend's blog who conveys almost to a T what I would of written or the thoughts I have had swirling around on the subject of Tiller and his murder. I know it's been over a week since this event but it's a big heavy deal and I have had so much going on but dying to blog about it. So if you are wondering what I have to say, Lazy Mary is pointing you here http://no-apologies-round2.blogspot.com/2009/06/vigilantism-is-bad-no-matter-who-its.html

The weekend recap

I had a meeting at Central Office for work Friday. The nurse on staff is flipping out about the swine flue and MERSA and stocked us up on these masks and gloves and hand sterilizer. Gloves, yes, hand sterilizer, yes.. but this mask LMBO!!! Can you imagine me walking into your house with one of these on? I would think this would scare ppl more than anything.. If they are sick.. I am not going in and if I am sick... I am not going out anywhere. But yes as far as I am up to date with the news there have been 2 cases in Missouri reported but none near me. I do hear these masks are all the new fashion rage in New York.. where the virus has the most reporting in the country. In all honesty I think the virus is smaller then what this mask would hold out.


Me And My Old Many on my cell phone camera. Yes I love him even if he is starting to get big scary with where his wild imagination is taking him. If he keeps it up I don't know how much I can keep laughing it off and start to get real pissed off.








Mmmmmmmmmmmm!! wish I could of ate the whole plate my neighbors made of these yummy chocolates. The desire is there but my tummy is unwilling.

You may see the handsome fly teenager going off to the dance.. I still see my baby boy 3yrs old running around yelling his head off "I'm the Bam Bamm" I tried not to cry as he was getting ready or be too embarrassing. You know I embarrass him with any innocent comment and am rezined to not even ask how the dance went or how many girls he danced with or any of the natural questions you would ask.


And that's the weekend recap with pictures!

We were able to get the van back but its still a mess. Josh left tonight for out of town and I am determined to get this house all together for his mother. She should be here this time next week. And this time next week I will have missed my sis's baby shower and Mother's Day with my mom. They are still trying to convince me to come up even if they get me a ride and pay for it but it just isn't going to happen. *insert big pout here*

When will it be ok again?

I don't know where to start... been almost 3 months since I have really blogged, confided and vented to what used to be my favorite thing to do for years... and now I have almost no desire to write, be online, or even look at my e-mail.

I knew things would be getting harder, a fire being turned up for our benefit, I just was not ready to face it and really grow. I am happy, no, not happy but content with just getting by, a nice comfortable spot to dig in, hunker down and wait. God must be laughing right?

One disappointment after another, feels like Satan is working OVER TIME on me and my family. But I don't want to give him all the credit either.. I am human after all and still have problems with this old dead flesh and not making the right choices. If everything is a test.. then I must be failing miserably. How far does God's Grace really go?

And I know I am not alone in feeling this way or going threw hard times. Forgive me for not keeping up and being in my own drama filled world.. I know that is not how it is supposed to be.

I woke up this morning to my van missing out of my drive way and nasty dark skid marks trailing from where it had been. Stolen?.. Nope.. REPO, with my purse and work papers still in the vehicle. I had to miss a day of work to figure out who, what, when and where and how to get my belongings back and what it is going to take to get our van back. Josh is out of town working (thankful he is working but so much for that no more working out of town promise) and tried to do what he can from where he is. I had figure out how to pay $50 to not even get to see my van but to have my things handed to me in a trash bag. So humiliating! After all is said and done it's going to be $2,000 to get my main mode of transportation back. We are almost half way threw the loan and it will be so ridiculous to let it go now. We are going to try everything we can to get it together by Friday but it may be longer.. if we can arrange for it not to be taken to auction. I have to have a car to drive for work.. or I am no good at that job.. I drive all over the county from client to client.

How many new lows can we face.. I dare not ask because I am afraid to find out the answer.

Along with all that I have to cancel my trip home to see my sister and mother next weekend for Mother's Day and the baby shower. You don't even know how excited I was to see them.. its been 2years since I have seen my family and I had already canceled going on ladies retreat last month with church because of issues going on at home with me and my husband. (am not even going to go into all that here and now.. gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

But wait.. there's more!! My mother in law is moving in with us. She needed a place to "camp out for awhile" and we are excited to have her but I thought I was going to have more time to set up and get ready for her. Originally we had talked about the weekend after Mother's Day.. but now it's moved up to Mother's Day weekend. I have little over a week to get soooooooooooo much done! And limited funds, if any to get by on.

Ok.. so that is the negatives, surely I can find positives to help lift me up some:

Times like theses you find out who your real friends are.
I love my Mother In Law and know I can learn alot from her (she is an awesome cook, she can sew, she loves scrapbooking and is very crafty,it's spring and she loves to garden and Josh still snaps to attention when she says his full name).
An extra hand around the house will be helpful.
I still have a job even if my schedule keeps fluctuating.
Josh is working and can be home on the weekends.
Maybe I can go visit my family instead when my sister's baby is born.
I'm still in a size 10 and really am just 10 pounds away from being at my H.S. weight (although that is not always a positive.. I get bad attention cuz I look so good lol and my hubby has become insanely jealous and that fuels other issues. I am teasing that I am going to gain the weight back and maybe that will make things better)

So when will it be ok again? I don't know. I know I feel alot better that I have vented here and got a few Me Time minuets doing it. I miss you blog and blog friends!! Things being ok is a relative state of mind maybe.. I really still want to believe with God all things are possible and I am still after all a princes because I am the daughter to the King Of Kings.. Daddy!!! Help!!!

After the day I had yesterday, I deserved a home spa night!

I am going to try and NOT complain... but yesterday SUCKED!!! Work situations that I am obligated not to talk about and then extreme disappointment about a bra order that I had to cancel due to poor, very very poor customer service.. they lost alot of money from me and I will not be referring any one to Ann's Bra Shop ever again. I used to L O V E that place. I have been getting my bras from them since I needed nursing bras with Lilly and Sophia. I would tell everyone I know who needed good foundations that was THE place to go and worth the little extra. There is amost nothing in the world to make you feel so good about your self then a bra that fits correctly. But not anymore. I went three weeks ago to use the gift certificate Josh got me for Christmas. I got fitted and found the style I really liked (since the one I loved was discontinued in my new size). They only had one color in my size so I ordered 3 more in black and white. When I find something I like I try and stick to it, I hate change. It was promised to arrive in a week and I would be called. Two weeks went by so Josh and I went up there to check if it came in... THEY HAD BEEN PUT ON THE FLOOR AND SOLD! So I reordered them last Monday with direct shipping to my house.. they promised it would be here by Friday. I also bought an expensive swimsuit (it was 50% off but still pricey for me) Well the bra's had not come so we called up there yesterday..... and they had JUST ordered them the day before and said it would take 2-4 weeks to come in. I am leaving this week and I only have ONE bra that fits right! I normally don't go off on people but this was too much. I got a refund and Ugh, now I have to go bra shopping! Do you understand how much I dislike shopping??

But talk about the gift that keeps on giving. For my Birthday I received a nice goodie bag of spa products from the church I was a guest speaker at. I almost forgot all about it but decided I deserved a nice long soak in the bath last night. I rediscovered all the marvelous bath products. I will be raving about Village Naturals brand for ever and ever. I already had some of their stress relief and muscle relief lotions but the mineral bath soak and body scrub was new to me. I started with the bath soak and used a really nice facial mask. Then I used the sugar body scrub. I smell like sugar cookies now (hubby can't resist, its his fav cookie lol) Then I used the feet lotion and socks over night. I am soooooooooooo soft and refreshed! My skin looks awesome! I need to do that more often.

Aww.. today is another new day. Positives.. I don't have to get up at the butt crack of dawn every day for work anymore. I have a little extra time at home (Josh has been whinny about how much I have been working lately.. now he gets his wish but less money). One more day till I go on vacation!!!! I get to pack today and am sooooooooooo excited about my get away!! The only negative today.. I have to get out of bed LOL.

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT

Happy Valentine's Day! Today is supposed to be all about L O V E. For some it is just another day, a made up holiday. For others a day set apart to be with your sweetie and be all gushy and gooey.

So much as been written about Love, songs, books, poems. Money may make the world go round but Love is the axis it spins on. I was pondering on the word Love and what God has to say about it.
"What's Love Got To Do With It" Tina may sing but God says love is EVERYTHING, everything has to do with love.. its about relationships, with him, with you, with the world. Love is not just a feeling but an action

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. "
"For God so Loved the world"
"Greatest of these is love"
"Love eachother as I have loved you"
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

I've come to the conclusion I have to love everyone.. I may not have to like people all the time but I am compelled to love. God loved me so much he died for me, forgave me, and redeemed me. If he did so much for me, what little thing is it for me to share that love with others?

How do you love people in a wicked world? Trying to figure that out and work past some of my own hurts and pain. But I do know that to love some one you tell them the truth, you don't lie, and you are in many ways a servant who does what you can and try not to expect anything in return, rewards come later. Do I do that? I try, but I am not perfect (yet). Do people take advantage of me.. yup but there is a peace when you do what you know you were commanded to do. God can take what was meant for harm and work it for his glory. He knows my heart and that is all that matters.

So if I have done something nice, it's not because I am fake or trying to somehow gain something . It is just part of my new nature. Kindness, a smile, a hug, or just a listening ear sometimes makes all the difference in some one's day.. in their life!

GOD LOVES YOU!
I LOVE YOU TOO!!

Uptate on my health. Before & After Pics

Me NewYears Eve 'O7

Me two weeks ago

Back in January I mentioned that I was going to the doctors for a physical. My weight loss has been concerning to some of those close to me. Since October my appetite has drastically changed and I have lost a ton of weight. I can't say the exact amount.. I refuse to own a scale but I go by how my clothes fit. I've gone from a 16/18 in jeans to currently a 10 and have gone down a cup size in bras.

When I did weigh in at the doctors I thought the scale was lying at 185.. surely I weigh less but maybe I was just that fat before and am now coming to realize how overweight I am. I look like a totally different person from a year ago. I went to the doctors again for follow up and have lost another 10 pounds in just 4 weeks. My first thought was... WOW just 25 more pounds and I will weigh about what I did before I had my first child... and I did the math in my head on how long it would take to get there if I kept at the rate I am at. I really want to start exercising and maybe join a gym to stay motivated.

My doctor did blood work and a chest x-ray last month. The chest x-ray was normal. THANK GOD. But my blood work ,the white cell count was up. She placed me on one of those 5 day antibiotics and retested me. It went down but not enough to make her happy. I went back in this last week for the follow up and told her maybe to test my urine.. I can have infection with out even knowing. We talked about that and my teeth. That seems to be her conclusion. I do have a slight blatter infection and I have to make my teeth a priority. I have no doubt my teeth may be a big cause of infection right now. When I had my wisdom tooth pulled in September the oral surgeon said he would not pull any more until I went to the dentist and came up with a plan. I know they all got to go and I need fake ones. I have known that for 5 years but have not had the money or the courage to get it done. Well dang.. I guess I can't keep putting it off if it is effecting my health, huh? It would be nice to have a big toothy smile again.. notice you will not see any pics of me posted with a open smile? They are bad bad.. a big source of embarassment for me. I almost don't want to go see my friend untill I have it done but the flight is booked, no going back now.

I asked my doctor if she was concerned about my weight loss and my appetite.. No not really. She seem to agree with me that my stomic has changed and it is my choice that I am loosing weight.. if I don't want to.. then eat more. That did not make my husband happy.. cuz he sees me at dinner time agonizing over a full plate of food.. wanting to eat it but only able to have a couple bites. Sometimes I am on the verge of tears because I am so mad that I can't eat what I really want to. Maybe what I really want to eat is not healthy and is too much in the first place. I look at the portions we give the kids.. portions I can't even eat right now. They finish it easily and ask for seconds. IDK.. maybe Josh is right.. I am developing an eating disorder (I say that in the most sarcastic, joking way possible, so not the case here)

So I am on another round of antibiotics and have an appointment in three weeks with the doctor...again. Now I see why my clients hate having all those doctor appointments!

We got our taxes back and have paid on bills. I need to let this sink in and be happy about it... THE HOUSE IS ALL CAUGHT UP! WE ARE OFFICIALLY CURRENT!!! That is so much stress off of us. Now if we can keep the payments perfect for the next year we can refinance. Spring is coming and work should be opening up for my hubby and I am due for a raise at my job. If anything is going to be good for my health and stress level it will be that. Josh getting back to work and us having our bills paid! We are doing ok now.. but it is a balancing act. I know its the same for almost everyone right now. I can't tell you how many people I know and meet that are laid off or are about to be. Missouri has one of the highest unemployment rates and they say it has not been this bad since the 30's. The state had to BORROW money from the fed to cover unemployment and I know they are making people jump threw hoops to get the small amount that is supposed to be available to those who qualify.

Planning a trip to TX

I love MYSPACE. Thanks to it I have gotten back intouch with so many old friends in the past year. It's awesome!! I have found with some people you can go 15yrs with out talking and pick right back up. and other people well.. maybe there is a reason they were out of your life in the first place (lol jk). Times and seasons.

I had moved around a lot growing up. I really don't have one particular place that I feel like is a home town. Around here in rural MO everyone you meet the first thing they ask is "where ya from" because you know it's obvious I am not from around here lol. Instead of taking 10 min to explain I went to 5 different high schools, lived in three different states, and been in this area for over 3 years, I say "I'm from all over". Just easier and quicker that way.

When I find some one from my past and actually get to talk and catch up, it's like roots. They knew me way back when and knew MY FAMILY. They can in some ways understand certain things about me and in another laugh at how I am so different now or in some ways the same. A connection to my past that for some reason God is bringing my way.

I am so excited to be planning a trip to TX to see one of these friends from way back. Hoping to be going at the end of the month for a long weekend. A mini vacation, a girls weekend and no kids or hubby. This will give me a chance to recharge and come back with different perspectives and appreciations. Sounds like I am going to need to dig out some summer clothes! And besides I have always wanted to see the Alamo.