I' had this entry plotted out in my head for over a month.. just waiting for the opportunity to write and now I am not sure how it will go. It's something of a note to the prolife community and to those who may want to question why and how they feel the way they do. A reminder that God IS LOVE and his mercy endures forever and since we are HIS we should imitate that love and mercy.
Last month I had the opportunity to stand down at the down town Planned Parenthood with my "I regret my abortion" sign. Not something I get to do very often but Zane was taking part in the Silent Siege and I have friends who stand down there weekly so I knew I would not be just down there by myself. Along with the silent siege and me and my friends there was a cluster of other people there with their own signs and even one guy holding a window blind spray painted "I am pro choice". Some were down there for the first time with a church group.
I need to remind my self that I really should mentally and spiritual prepare if I go down there again. I have done this before but this day shook me. I was only there a few hours but watching those girls go in and out for that short of time and knowing what is going to happen to them and the pain they are bringing on themselves is so dishearting. And there was so many. A steady flow of cars driving threw the black iron gates, gates that were designed to keep foot traffic out but to me looked like they were more of pen, rounding up innocents being lead to the slaughter. I can understand why some who were seeing for the first time firsthand how many go to this clinic would be so up set, feel anger and helpless. It is one thing to read numbers and statistics on a page but to see it up close and know likely with each car a baby is being killed and a women is being torn into many pieces with in her heart (even if she will not admit it to herself).
There was a smell to the place.. a literal stench. At first I thought it was my imagination. That maybe because I knew what was going on in that place I had associated a smell to it. Rotten meat mixed with a burnt crispy smell. I asked my friend if she smelled it but she said it may but she was there so much that she had gotten used to it and didn't smell it anymore. Zane told me he thought the place smelled funny too and it was not in my head.
For the most part I stood there in silence holding my sign in front of the gate where the cars came in and out, where it could be read clearly. Some would look but most turned away in avoidance. Standing there a pool of emotional turmoil churned with in me. I wanted these women to know me, see me, believe me, hear my story. I know their pain, the uncertainty as she walks up those steps and the things she has to tell herself to make this "choice" right in her eyes, what others all around are telling her, how she will be better off.. and the lies the clinic workers tell to sell her into a life time of pain and regret. The words and courage welled up in me to call out, "Don't go there, I know and we can help! Let me tell you what it is REALLY LIKE before you go in there so you can make a REAL choice. If you go threw with this you will be changed for ever! You will never look at yourself or children the same again !! You will never forget!"
Sometimes a group of the clinic workers stood out side on a balcony, sneering at us and it felt like their gaze met mine the most. I tried not to meet their glares with hate and disgust but to pray, pray for a heart change. I had to pray alot to hold on and hum Jesus Lover Of My Soul to settle me, not letting self condemnations seep back in into me, remind myself I am loved and forgiven and the Lord loves all these people too and as much as my heart is breaking, how much more is Gods.
I didn't talk too much with anyone but overheard bits and pieces of conversations among the others standing. Some praying, some debating the atheist pro-choicer, some trying to talk with those going in and hand out pamphlets and engaging the escorts. One of the first timers was standing with his wife talking and holding a sign. He was becoming more upset as each car passed threw. Then he muttered at the clinic building "each of these women who go in should come out in a pine box dead, dead just like the babies they are killing" I stiffened in shock from his hateful words. As soon as he was done saying it he saw ME and my sign and grew embarrassed. He said to me "Sorry, no offence" and walked away. I was too much in shock to go after him and say "They do die afterwards, a piece of me did, they do come out as a shell.. don't you see it?! Where is your compassion?" I wish I had. His wife as shocked and embarassed as me looked at me and mouthed the words sorry. I told her "I was just like them going in. I know what they are thinking and feeling. They do this because they believe a lie"
And here comes the point of my whole retelling of this day from a month ago. I do not know this man's motives and why he was down there. He may of came to see what it was like and was not prepared. He may of had an abortion experience in his past and feels anger and loss. I can try and justify and explain away what he said. But on that day and at that moment he was a poor example and I hope he realizes it. It is examples like that, that make this fight even harder, gives the wrong impression to those on the outside looking in. It feeds in to the twisted media portrayal that the pro-life community are these hypocrites, angry, doesn't care about the women, anti-choicers and there for should be ignored.
I can understand being angry but we must check our heart. Out of the mouth the heart does speak. Our heart must be full of compassion, understanding, and love for these people so that when we are confronted with them our words will reflect what is pure, what is lovely and praise worthy, and what is of the truth.
