The Talk...

Well.. it seems my DSL is still on for now. So I am going to journal a bit but don't expect my connection to last threw the weekend, but who knows.

Last night I sat the kids down and explained to them what I was doing this Sunday and why.  It was very hard but we made it threw.

At dinner I told Zane and Annie that after Sophia and Lilly went to bed Daddy and I want to talk with them about some stuff.  I think they was happy to get out of going to bed at their normal time.  We watched the State Of The Union address and Josh dosed off.  I sent my younger girls to bed with hugs and kisses and Annie off to take her shower.  Zane was reading a book in his room but wondered out to the living room as I flipped on PBS.  There was a documentary about the death camps in Germany and about the Holocaust.  We caught the last 30 min. of it.  Actually I was really surprised that PBS didn't broad cast the State Of The Union Address.  I prefer to watch that kind of stuff on PBS because they don't have all the stupid commentary that the networks do.

My son knows about the Holocaust and we have had conversations about it many times.  We let him watch Shindler's (sp) List with us and other shows that were like documentaries, even though it was graphic.  I know some parents want to shield their kids away from some realities and protect them, and give them false illusions about how our world is.  But I prefer to tell it like it is or was in history and help them understand why some things are the way they are now.  Annie came up from her shower and caught the tail end of the show as well.  When she heard the number of people killed by the Germans in the camps her eyes were wide and she said, "WOW, that is a alot of people, that is a big big number!" 60 million is an incompressible number.  It is hard for me to understand how that happen or got that far, even harder for a 7 yrd going on 8 to take in.

I was stalling, prolonging what I had set out to talk to them about.  I was still flipping thew channels.  Then Zane reminded me that Daddy and I wanted to talk to them about something.  I turned the T. V. off.  The T. V. is almost like the background noise of our house and is not very often turned off (ya I know that is bad) so the house was very quiet.  It set a serous mood in the living room.  I let Josh sleep on the couch.  I knew he really didn't want to take part in this conversation, that he didn't have much to say.  Zane and Annie sat on the reliler section of our couch and I pulled up one of Sophie and Lilly's little chairs and sat on it in front of them.

"That is sad about what happen in Germany isn't it" I said. "Hitler killed alot of people.  Do you know how he got away with that?"  They shook their heads no.  "Because he told people that Jews and some other people where really not human.  That they didn't qualify as humans, they were less superior to white people or people from another religion." My children shook their heads and I went on.  "What does the Bible say about Satan? Do you remember?" I asked.  Annie chimed in, He is the Devil and Zane said he was an angel who was kicked out of heaven called Lucifer.  They were correct. I asked them what else did the bible have to say about him? Zane answered, He tricked Adam and Eve and they got kicked out of the garden because they listened to him.  Again my son is correct. "The Bible aslo says that Satan is the Father of All Lies.  That he is out to Kill, Steal and Destroy people.  To take away from them what God wants to do in their life." (John, 8:44 John 10:10)  There is the same thing going on here in America, today.  People are being murdered becaue some do not think of them as human.  Our government says this is an ok thing to do.  People are beliving a lie." It was hard for my children to  hear this truth, that our wonderful country could be anything like the evil Germany that was resposible for 60 million murders. I told them 4,000 people are murdered every day because of this lie that they are less human than other people.  That isn't right is it? They agreed with me, they were very upset. Tears in their sweet eyes. Who would do that! Why!

Then came the very hard part. "It is called abortion.  Do you know what that is?" I asked. They had a vague idea about it.  I told them a mommy will go to a clinic and have her baby taken out of her belly, before the baby can be big enough to live away from the mommy's body.  Some mommies do this because they believe the lie that their babies are not human yet, they are less human because they are still small.  Satan tells these lies but God says we are human from the time we are conceived.  God knits us together in our mother's womb, that he already knows us and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps 139:13-14)

"Mommy was told this lie and I did that when I was very young."  I went to the china cabinet and showed them the tribute I had made for that baby. (as seen on my website) "Her name is Beautiful.  She is your big sister." My children, they wept for their big sister.  They wept for their mommy who believed a big lie from Satan. "Mommy is very sad she did this and I am sorry, very very sorry.  But Jesus, he still loves me, that was the old me who did that, when I was born again I became a new person and that is how I can talk about it now.  Because I know Jesus forgives me and I don't want any other mommies to do what I did.  That is what Sunday is all about.  Mommy is going to talk about it to alot of people.  But it is ok for you to be sad about what I did, or be mad at me.  And it is ok for us to talk about it.  Anytime, if you want to talk about it, you can come to mommy or daddy.  But I love you so much, and I will never hurt you.  And daddy loves you. It was before mommy knew daddy.  Daddy didn't have anything to do with it.  This is why people need to wait for their husband or wife.  With sin there are consequences and they don't just effect you but others too. And Zane piped in Just like Adam and his sin, it still effects us to this day.  Yes you are very right Zane.  This isn't a family secret we can not talk about ok. It is ok to have questions and talk about our feelings.  But if you do want to talk about it, talk to mommy or daddy.  We don't just talk about it with anyone.  Later when you are older and want to talk to people about it, like if you know some one who is thinking about it, can tell them what happen to mommy, but you are still young for that.  This is a very adult topic.  Alot of adults find it hard to talk about it.  But you guys are doing really good and I am proud of you.

They asked questions and I answered them the best I could according to their maturity level.  Zane wanted to know how I did it, how did I take the baby out.  I told him a person who called himself a doctor did, people who do this are called abortionists.  Annie wanted to know what it looked like.  I told her I don't know, they don't show the mommies the babies afterwards.  She wanted to know where the babies went after what happen to their bodies.  I wanted to cry but I didn't.  I told her the truth, that they sell the body parts to scientist or they just plainly throw them away.  Zane remembers a sign he has seen with a babies head that had been aborted ripped in parts, he asked if it looked like that.  I tried to explain that my baby was still very small when it happen and that was a pic of a bigger baby that has been taken out of its mommy, and I was not sure what it would of looked like, I didn't get to see a body. But she is in heaven with Jesus, the best place ever, she is not in pain at all anymore and when we all get to heaven we will get to meet her and what happy day that is going to be!

I let them cry and I held them.  Annie was deeply affected.  I could tell she wanted to say something but just couldn't find the words to verbalize it.  I am alot like that too.  I am sure she will come to me later with what she was trying to say.  I loved on them and sent them to bed.  I asked Zane to watch his sister for me, to let me know if he or she is having a hard time, to be there for each other.  They are very close you know.  He went to her room and talked to her for a second, Annie was still crying some and he tried to comfort her.  After he went to bed I told Annie to come snuggle with me in my bed.  I didn't want to leave her alone, I wanted her to feel my love, to know I was there for her, even if I wasn't there for her big sister.

NO one likes to admit their sins, especially to their children.  We want to stay perfect in their eyes and don't look forward to the day when they start to see us as not just mom but as human.  I think this was a good thing to do with my older children.  Especially if I am going to be come active in the Pro-Life movement. We now can talk about it openly and not have it hidden and avoided.  I do expect more conversations, more questions, more emotions.  This is part of being a family.  I don't expect them to understand everything at once but I don't have to keep it hid away from them and when they are older they will benefit in some way from having this information.