Yesterday there was a fatal car crash on the HWY. right by my house. I don't have satellite right now so I didn't know a thing about it but people were worried that it could have been me and the kids. A minivan with 4 kids, 3 of them died and the driver and other child are critical. It could have been us from that description ... my area.. I drive a minivan and have 4 children. It is a piece of HWY. I am on all the time.
After that, it put a resolve of THANKFULNESS in me. How truly thankful I am it was not my children who died. I do feel deep sorrow for the family who has lost so much, I am really praying for them. How horrible!!! But it puts my current situation in perspective. Our home is in the middle of foreclosure. We may very well loose it. You know I LOVE this house and this is such a terrible uncertain situation. I didn't want to blog about it because it is so embarrassing and there is still hope that it may work out and we can somehow stay in our home. Josh is trying all he can do to keep us here but I am quietly asking for boxes just in case. I am trying not to make the kids worry or know exactly what is going on but you know kids are very intuitive. No home phone, no tv.. I am sure they are wondering what's up with all that. But I am THANKFUL my children are safe, healthy and here with me.
Then this morning I found out one of my Aunts died. She has been sick with cancer since October but they were treating her and there was hope. But she got a server infection and she was too weak to operate on... It is not totally unexpected but it hurts so much that I cannot be there like I should for my Mom who is a big mush ball of tears right now. I feel so much guilt that I didn't get to see my Aunt before and say what was on my heart towards her or that I maybe I didn't pray as hard for her as I could have. And with our current situation I doubt I can travel to make a funeral.
Since we have not had TV the hottest idem in the house has been Zane's gameboy for entertainment.. The kids fight for it like you wouldn't believe. Even though Lilly and Sophia are not very good at it they still like to try. Lilly was getting frustrated and crying that she kept failing and making mess ups. What I said to her still rings in my ears because maybe it was from the Holy Spirit and as much for me as it was to soothe her.. I said, "Don't worry, mistakes are just practice for when you get it right."
I have been feeling like a huge looser and failure with all that has been going on but I am trying to trust that God will see us threw, there is a purpose for it all. This is all practice for when we do get it right. At NewYears a prophet came to our church and told me he saw us in a bigger house, that we are going to need more space for the people that are going to be living with us. At the time I really did laugh and scoff at that thought. I told him he hasn't seen my current house, we have all the space we need even if a whole other family came to live with us. He just said well.. that is what I see. Right now that seems like a dream to hold on to, impossible as it is but as we know with God all things are possible.
I can face it all with him holding me up. Last night I was praying for him to just hold me in his arms as I cried, to be my big strong father and hold me like that to feel secure in him. I was praying for that PEACE, that no matter what is going to happen to us I will know he still is there and loves me, that my anger or disappointment will not over take me or rule me, to help me let go and focus on what is important.
Would you Please Keep my family in your prayers too.