Sunday, December 31, 2006

New Year's Eve thoughts

Another year,come and gone.  For some reason I have this apprehension about 2007.  Not really a fear but a mixture of expectation and longing, a faint knowing that it is going to be a year for the books. 

I was 17 going on 18 when my father was dyeing of lung cancer.  During those months he got back to the Bible so to speak.  Ofcoure I didn't hardly pay attention to him and that stuff then, ramblings of a crazy man facing his death.   But now I look back and wish I could of understood him better and been more engaging in those conversations.  I have no doubt now that when he said he wasn't afraid to die because he knew where he was going, it was because he knew he was going to be with The Lord.

In those passing conversations he would talk about The End Times, The Mark Of The Beast, Revelations, Big Government, and the Return Of The Lord.  I remember when he said the min they start requiring you to take a mark on your right hand and you can't buy and sell with out it, he would be the first one on City Hall's steps Preaching, if he was still around.  I had no idea what he was talking about and wrote him off as having too much pain meds.  But now I know.. I understand.. I see it every day and now others think of me as the nut.. ironic huh.

He knew, he felt it down deep the world was close, very close to seeing it's end, to seeing an awful destruction and that there was going to be a great tribulation coming.. a seven year period.  Looking back now I know where he got that idea, and on some level I agree with that train of thought, but a bit different.  In 1994 he thought the year 2000 would be a start and if not then, then around 2007.  I remember him now saying, keep your eyes open and you will see it coming, start preparing yourself.

Maybe this is why I have a feeling about 2007?  I don't feel the end of the world will come this year but certainly we can see things set in motion for it's start.  Read Matthew 24 &25 and apply it to this time period.. it will blow your sock off.

Dispite all that I am looking forward to this coming year.  Doing more with my house.  Traveling more.  Plan to read the Bible more and draw closer to God.  Do more with my children and my husband.  I am turning 30 this year and that country song "My next 30yrs" keeps playing threw my head.  I want ever more to make this year count. I want to do something worthy and markable with my life.  I want to reach out to others more and love more.

What are your thoughts on this coming year?

I am kinda tripping today.  I remember at the beginning of the week when President Ford and The Godfather Of Soul died, saying to myself.. death comes in 3's.  Who's going to be next???  And now the Butcher Of Baghdad is finally meeting his maker!!  I knew when they were talking about it Friday night that a video or something would surface on the net.  I am not sure if I want to watch it or look for it.  It is enough for me to know he is dead, I don't need to see the execution on TV to believe it.  I think that is one of those slippery slopes and the next thing we know every Friday night we are watching executions on Prime Time... and one of those Christians beheading could be me.. gulp..


Thursday, December 28, 2006

Home For Christmas

Christmas back at home in Wisconsin.. everything it should of been.  Family, Friends, good food, yummy home made cookies, gifts for everyone, too much to cram into a few days that sail by, time spent that will have to tide us over till the next visit.

 I am happy I got to spend time with my Aunt and cousins on my Dad's side. Reminded me of when I was growing up and we would most years go to her house for the Holidays.  I wanted to hold on to that nostalgia and hear the old stories my family would tell and look threw the photo albums seeing pictures of grandmas and grandpas and great aunts and distant cousins that have passed on or live far far away. I don't get to see or talk to that side of the family that often even though we promise each time to change that and call more often or they would come for visits, it never happens. 

 I loved being with my sister and brother too.  Holding my sister in my arms as she sobbed when we first saw each other I stroked her hair and told her yet again to come down and live with us and she yet again shook her head no.  I enjoyed holding my nieces and watching them play with Josh and my kids.  I felt overfilled with love and sorrow that we are not closer and can not get together more often.

It was good to see my Mom and her husband, those silly newlyweds that are so in love it makes you want to giggle with them as they gaze into each others eyes. I am glad to see my mother happy and being taken care right.  They have an amazing new apartment on the 10th floor of a high-rise on the south side with a wonderful view of the lake.  I hope she enjoyed all of us together for once.

 It all went by so fast, not enough time to just relax and get to know each other better.. busy busy with the Holiday hustle and bustle. There was so much more I wanted to do too and never got the chance to do it. I love my family and friends that are up in Wisconsin but I am glad to be back home.  Going back is good, to be reminded where you come from and thankful for where you are now.

I'm tapping my finger against the keyboard looking for the right way to put my words, how to frame my thoughts about my trip, biting my lip... I could give the rosy lovey, koombia version that Norma Rockwell would of painted or I could give the truth that would not be so sensitive to others, and makes me look like a judgmental bitch.  Certainly there is a happy medium seeing how this is my journal to get my thoughts and feelings out?

While my family and friends and me have all grown to some degree or another, going back it felt the same, like they have not changed one bit.. but I have. Felt familiar, that I belonged but it was just not the right place for me anymore. Being back home, well is being back in my past, my roots, and looking at SOME of them I shutter and am thankful I am not where they are at.. prisons of their own making, sad but using what ever to cover the pain and the anger. 

When I go home I am always happy and filled with joy to see them but that soon turns to sadness when I see the conditions of their lives. I felt guilty some how for being so blessed while they are so far off from living a life of joy and peace. Any time I began to talk about my life and it's goodness it felt like bragging.. so I didn't.  I tried to be chatty and talk about the good things in their life but misery loves company and all some of them could do was complain and shoot down the positives.  

And I don't want to be judmental.. not at all. but for the Grace of God I would be just as some of them are.  A junkie or alcoholic, a dirty slob, angry, sad all the time, cant hold down a job, cursing the world and taking no restorability for my life..just getting out of jail or heading there, that could of been me.  Some of them I wish I could just shake and tell them how much I love them and to look to the Lord, he will help you turn it around but of course a prophet has no honor in his home town and those words would fall on deaf ears.  So all I can do is pray for them, love on them, accept them and not put them down. 

 It reminds me of a time growing up.. my family was often the butt of jokes with some friends and while I felt it was ok for ME to joke about my family and talk about them.. I got to the point after hearing the cut downs about my family, anger grew in me and I lashed out at supposed friends.  Who were they to say anything, everyone has something to be ashamed of and what is the point of pointing fingers and laughing at others to make yourself feel better and that has stuck with me.  It does sting to see the contrast in my family from a young age to others, and to feel looked down upon.  I don't ever want my children or my nieces or cousins to feel that.  That one side of the family is better than the other or that there is such things as black sheep. 

Visiting my old friends from high school was also surreal.. the whole gang was there.  The five of us all gathered together in one place, with our children playing and running around the house.  It made me feel old actually.  Time goes by so fast, one min. I am hanging out with my friends just tuning 18 and able to buy my first pack of cigarettes legally and the next thing I know I have been married 10yrs buying my own house and am almost 30yrs.  Life is a vapor!

Sometimes I wish I could live closer so I could be more involved in these lives, but I have a sense even if I lived next door we would all still be miles apart.  So the excitement and wonder of visiting home at Christmas time has passed. I long to go back again but it is time to settle back here and put memories and feelings back on the shelf  and entered into my prayer book.

Friday, December 22, 2006

For those who can't watch the video. Merry Christmas!

The Gift of Love
(Author Unknown)

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another decorator.

If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I'm just another cook.

If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.

If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir's cantata but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.

Love stops the cooking to hug the child.
Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the husband.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love doesn't envy another's home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way.
Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can't.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.

Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust. But giving the gift of love will endure.

Christmas Video Card.. From our house to yours, The Gift Of Love

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Here comes grey hair #2

Ever wish you could rewind and start the day over... sheesh and its not even noon yet.

Right now I am so upset with my oldest daughter Annie who is going on 10yrs.  I am flabbergasted by what she choose to do today but relieved that she is safe.. praise God for that!  She got up after Josh left for work but before everyone else this morning and decided today she would ride her bike to school. Josh leaves for work at quarter to 5 and we normaly don't get up and going for school till 6:30 or 7:00.  She said she LEFT the house at 6.

 You know back in the day that would not be such a big deal.. kids used to ride bikes to school all the time.. I did for a time in Elementary school.. but now it is not allowed.. put aside the fact that we live too far for her to ride a bike.. miles and miles.. but the weather today is very cold and rainy.. also she left while it was still DARK.  She could of been hit by a car or kidnapped or got lost!!!  It was very dangerous what she did and the more I think about what could of happen the crazier I get but more thankful that God kept her safe and protected.  She was picked up by the Sheriff and taken the rest of the way to school.. soaking wet.  She made it all the way into town, more than half way there!  If you only KNEW just how far that really is you would be shocked too.

Last week she had come up with this idea that she could ride her bike to school.  They had sent home a school survey for statistical  info about how children get to school.  She saw that bike rider was a choice on there and said she wanted to start riding her bike to school.  Then and there I told her absolutely not.. we live too far for that and the roads are too busy and school does not allow it. Her brother piped in that it would take you all day to get to school on your bike because it is so far.

I think she did it to spite me and her brother.  I had sent her and her sister to bed early last night for eating candy with out permission and maybe that is when she told her sisters she was going to do it. I can just imagin her train of thought, "Oh I'll show them!" This morning Lilly and Sophia were not at all surprised and seemed to know for a fact that is what she had done. I asked if she told them to keep it a secret but they said NO.. just didn't think to tell me about it I guess!

If she could of afforded to miss another day of schoolI would of took Annie home with me after I dropped off her sisters.  I had to bring up dry clothes for her and pick up her bike and talk with the principal. 

I don't know what I am going to do with this girl!!! Doesn't she not realize kids get taken away from their parents for stunts like this.. that this makes me look like a hack of a parent??  My kids are almost always in my sight and I have had a hard time of what Josh calls cutting the apron strings.. they are for the most part good kids and listen and are obedient but how can I start to trust them in this big bad world if they are doing stuff like this?? 

It would be too mean to take away Christmas from her but she needs to understand the gravity of what she did.  For sure the wheels of the bike are getting taken off until God knows when.  The bikes have been put away in the garage since the end of summer and I am surprised there was even air in her tiers.  I can only imagine what Josh is going to say and do when he gets home.. probably blame me, as if I don't feel guilty enough.  Do I need to get alarms on the doors and windows?!!!! Sheeesssh!

I wish the world was different and we lived back in the days where life was easier and more innocent and not such dangers existed for my children.  It would be nice if kids could ride their bikes to school (good exercise and cheaper on the gas) but that is not the way our lives are sturctered anymore.  Now adays you can't just let them go off to play in the neighborhood or walk to a park care free.  You can't even leave them alone in your own yard with out a watchful eye.  Sometimes they don't understand this and get frustrated and I understand that but that is just the way it is.


Saturday, December 16, 2006

This may be where my first grey hair starts to grow

Thought for Today

"Learn to say no; it will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin." - Charles H. Spurgeon

I need to mark another milestone in our family life... *deep heavy sigh*  We kinda had "THE TALK" aka " The Birds & The Bees Talk" with our 12yrd son.  I feel gross just typing about it... but it is done.   Zane missed that part of 5th grade last year because he was on a trip with his dad to Vegas.. lol that sounds funny but it was an innocent trip to visit Josh's mom.  Anyway.. so the boy was in the dark about the biological details of just how a baby is conceived.

It wasn't planned..we were having a casual night watching t.v. in the living room.. the little ones had already gone to bed and Annie was in the dining room finishing her homework.  The subject came up because we were talking about a trailer for a movie called Children Of Men.  Zane had brought it up.. he had seen the trailer when he went to see a movie with one of his friends and he was explaining the premises of what the movie was about.  I giggled at him and out of the blue asked " do you even know how babies are conceived??"  He looked at me and flat out said no.  I looked at Josh and Josh looked at me as we were both trying to think of a non graphic way of explaining it to him.. but really there is no way to do it with out the specifics.  I encouraged Josh to tell him.. I was to tounge tied.  Josh started to tell him where sperm comes from and how women have eggs.. and how eggs and sperm come together.. how sex feels really good, God created it for husbands and wives to enjoy together, I couldn't take it.. I had to put my fingers in my ear and sing "nannnananananana" *sigh*  I am too young to be having to explain or listen to an explanation of this to my baby boy.  But I got over it.. because sadly.. he is not my baby boy anymore.. he is entering pueberty and NEEDS to know this information. All the signs are there. I have tried to ignore the morning wood and hope that Josh would pull him aside and tell him how to um.. um.. well get rid of it or hide it.. or at least tell him not walk around the house in small shorts when he has it.  And the zits are starting to crop up.. I think he has sensitive skin and with or family history of bad acne he needsto start taking care of his skin from the get go.

So we tried to in a mature and informative way and injecting our values,  tell him that as long as he keeps his penis away from virginas there will be no babies. 

Josh went into greater detail and I am not inclined to relive those moments but I have got to say that it was a whole hell of alot more information then I got from my own mother who said "when you are ready we will get you on the pill"

I am sure we will revisit the subject with him again and as long as it is in small dosessI think I can get threw it.  Ohh funn.. the teen years have  officially started!!

Why is it called The Birds and The Bees??? I was trying to think of how to apply those analogies to the conversations.. birds have eggs? bees pollinate flowers??  Those are two separate species... shhhhhheeshhh.. that would be fun to fumble out and probably very confusing to the poor kid getting the speech.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Silent No More on Bill O'Reilly

Recently I discovered that the group Silent No More has an offical MySpace page.  I am apart of the local chapter so I am excited to see them getting more on the web. 

Threw a brief e-mail exchange with the lady who runs Silent No More's page I found out that a member of Silent No More was going to be on The Bill O'Reilly Show last night.  I got the e-mail a little late and missed the first showing but was able to catch the replay.  Bill has been running investigative stories about the Kansas abortionist Tiller, who specializes in partial-birth abortions and his gross neglect and atrocities.  Kelly came on the show and shared her abortion experance with Tiller.  I think she did an AWESOME Job!! She was very articulated, calm, informative and got her message across.  I am so proud of her and her bravery!  It is not easy to talk about such a hard thing to a small group much less millions on national t.v. but she made it look seamless.  I am also grateful to Bill O'Reilly for having her on and giving the audience a chance to see the other side of abortion.. how it hurts women, not helps them.  I shot him a e-mail with my pithy comments and thank yous.

Here is a link to the clip with Kelly on the show

If you watch it and have a comment on it, e-mail Bill.. let's flood him with them and encourage him to have more segments like this!!   And who knows.. he may just read it on air.  I'm Mary H. from Missouri

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The Cost Of Freedom.... Always Remember. My very first Youtube Video

Be sure to click on "link to this entry" so that the video won't over lap with the journal song.

This includes video taken at Arlington National Cemetery shot at The Tomb Of The Unknown and pictures the war memorials on the Mall in D.C. 


Thursday, December 7, 2006

Our Walking Tour of Washington D.C.

We went into D.C. the Saturday after Thanksgiving.  The weather was just perfect, 60, sunny and clear.  Ofcourse this meant there would be a ton of other tourists too. First we stopped at Arlington and then headed across the river. We looked for a parking spot for over an hour and almost ran out of gas but finally found a spot almost right in front of the Smithsonian Welcome Center.  Good thing Josh can parell park.

We knew we would not get to see everything there was to see but we tried to get in all the major sites and walked about as quickly as possible while still enjoying and taking in the wonder and history.  It was a bit frustration for Josh, me stopping every two steps to take a picture and falling behind him and the kids, but these pictures were worth his "hurry ups" and " come ons".  I hope the next time we go I will have a better camera, and that Next Time.. will not be too long away. 

It was very important to Josh that we go to Arlington and see The Tomb Of The Unknown.  I am so glad that we did.  I was very moved and emotional.  I didn't realize I would be that way but I choked back tears most of the visit.  Rows and rows of graves and headstones of real people who died in service to our country.  I don't consider myself a real history buff or big fan of patriotic themes but when we got to Kennedy's grave and the flame.. I let the tears flow. It is such a solom place and you can feel a presence there that I can't fully explain. Also at The Tomb Of The Unknown.. I got chills and goose bumps watching the guard stand watch.. pacing back and forth and presenting his firearm in exact pristine movements and reading the words "Unknown But To God" etched in stone. I have the changing of the guard recorded and may edit it so I can share it here later. Arlington National Cemetery is important, inspirational, sadness mixed with pride, something you just have to experience for yourself.  I came away with a deeper apprehension for our soldiers and veterans and the cost of freedom.  As my son took it all in I could see the desire to join one of the armed services being cemented in him and all I could think..and pray.. maybe selfishly.. please don't become another one of these headstones.

We got to see all the spots on "The Mall".. Washington, Lincoln, WWII, Vietnam Memorial. and then ventured to the front of The White House.  Seeing all these famous monuments was surreal.  Just as you see it in pictures but different.. to be there and be in the presents of them.. sometimes they seemed so big, to go along with the big people and events  they stood for and invoke remembrance and sometimes it was unimpressive.. that they should be even bigger then they are.. a big build up leading to a reality check let down.  Maybe if we didn't have to rush threw it and could of properly meditated on what we were seeing it would of been different.  Don't get me wrong... I am so glad and blessed that we got to be there and see it all and it will leave an impact on me and I hope my children for the rest of our lives.

I think my biggest let down was in front of The White House. It was so crowded by other people hoping to get a good picture.  I had to almost push our way threw to get the children close to that ugly big black fence and squeeze them all together.  The picture didn't turn out as well as I hoped. I wanted all of them together in the T-Shirts I had gotten them when we visited the Truman Presidential Museum, with a clear shot of The White House in the background.  It's still a good picture and I will prob have it printed and framed but not as dramatic as I envisioned. Standing at the gate looking past the long lawn and wondering what it looks like inside I asked Zane "when you get invited to The White House (and he will.. for some reason I just know it deep down) will you bring your mom with you?  You know what the snot said???!!  "Won't you be dead by then or really really old??" LMBO!

With all the great sites behind us we started our aching feet back to the van parked so so far away.  When we passed threw the Smithsonian gardens in the Welcome Center and saw at the Freer Gallery there was an exhibit on The Bible, we just HAD to see if we could get in before it closed.  Ohhh I wish I could of taken pictures in there!! (a nice Christmas or Birthday gift would be the book on the exhibit.. you can purchase it at the online gift shop..hint hint) It was sooooooo AWESOME and I will have to say that it was one of the highlights of our trip.. the best for last!  The exhibit was called "In The Beginning, Bibles before the year 1000".  It was fragments of the ancient text discovered and put on display showing the progression and forms the Bible took on threw early history.  I got to stand in front and see a piece of a Dead Sea Scroll!!!  For me it was just awing.. it was one of my favorite and treasured verses .. Isaiah 61.  An unexpected surprise.  I wish we could of taken all our time there but we had to rush threw before close.. we were the last group allowed in.  It was just .. oh how to put it.. I don't know.. confirming and reassuring.. that the same scriptures in my Bible.. the same words..God's Word.. is unchanging.. just as He is.. The same yesterday.. today and forever and to show my children that.. sealing it in them too that they can trust in The Bible and what it says.  I know some may not agree with that or take away something else from that exibit but that is what was impressed upon me the most.  If you are in the area anytime soon.. go and see it!! It is open till Jan 17th.

Next time we go to D.C. I want to see the Suprem Court and the Capitol Building.  We just couldn't get to them this time. We also hope to arrange a tour in the White House.  Josh said he read somewhere that you can set it up with your Senator ahead of time if you contact them. I had hoped to go to DC in January for The March Of Life this year but with the shape of things I don't think that will happen.  But we have a standing invitation with Josh's Aunts now... they just loved the kids and were so happy to see us, I know we will be back eventually. 

Enjoy my pictures and here are some websites about the things we saw.  Alot of information to take in and too much for me to retell here.. so check them out and educate your self lol. Freer Gallery of Art and Arther M. Slacker Gallery- Smithsonia Washington D.C. till Jan 17
  Arlington National Cemetery

Monday, December 4, 2006

So much for that idea.. short update

I was going to update with pictures from our Thanksgiving trip to DC... but.. seems AOL is updating it's You'v Got Pictures webpage and service so... so much for that.  That also explains why you can't see the pics in my previous entries right now.. boo.. hiss.. LOL.

I know, I have been incredibly lazy with my blogging and blog reading and my e-mail and whole online life for that matter.  I could justify it with an excuse about having this fabulously busy life.. haha.. half true.. busy at times but half the fab.  There are no excuses for me anymore.. so I'll stop offering them up.  K?

I wanted to save my retelling of our travels over thanksgiving for when I could include the pictures.. its always better with pictures.  But I will say this.. we had a wonderful family trip and I am grateful that we were able to take a day to visit the Capital or has the locals refer to it, The District.  I was awed and inspired and put in my place I guess you could say.  We saw so much, that is why I want to save the retelling with my pictures.. and it really sucks that I can't because that was my whole purpose for getting online (besides deleting the 1000 e-mails I had)

Hard to believe it is December already! This year is flying by, my life is flying by!  Remember when we were little children and it seemed to take an eternity to get to Christmas?  Now I am an old folgie and it comes and goes way too fast.  I have all of two gifts bought and had my head bit off for buying even that. My budget is non right now.. so not sure when I will be able to get the rest done.  Traditionaly we would use Josh's end of the year vacation money on Christmas but this year the responsible thing to do with it is to pay the taxes on the house .  But the outside Christmas Lights are up and going and we have some inside decorations adorning the living room.  This year I am not going all out on the house since we will be out of town this year and no one is coming over.  I'm not sure we need a tree lol even a fake one.

Since I am so behind.. drop me a comment and let me know how you have been doing.. how was your Thanksgiving and how is your Holiday plans shaping up???


Monday, November 20, 2006

A Proclamation by the President of the United States of America


Thanksgiving Day, 2006
A Proclamation by the President of the United States of America

     Fact sheet Thanksgiving 2006

As Americans gather with family and friends to celebrate Thanksgiving Day, we give thanks for the many ways that our Nation and our people have been blessed.

The Thanksgiving tradition dates back to the earliest days of our society, celebrated in decisive moments in our history and in quiet times around family tables. Nearly four centuries have passed since early settlers gave thanks for their safe arrival and pilgrims enjoyed a harvest feast to thank God for allowing them to survive a harsh winter in the New World. General George Washington observed Thanksgiving during the Revolutionary War, and in his first proclamation after becoming President, he declared November 26, 1789, a national day of "thanksgiving and prayer." During the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln revived the tradition of proclaiming a day of thanksgiving, reminding a divided Nation of its founding ideals.

At this time of great promise for America, we are grateful for the freedoms guaranteed by our Constitution and defended by our Armed Forces throughout the generations. Today, many of these courageous men and women are securing our peace in places far from home, and we pay tribute to them and to their families for their service, sacrifice, and strength. We also honor the families of the fallen and lift them up in our prayers.

Our citizens are privileged to live in the world's freest country, where the hope of the American dream is within the reach of every person. Americans share a desire to answer the universal call to serve something greater than ourselves, and we see this spirit every day in the millions of volunteers throughout our country who bring hope and healing to those in need. On this Thanksgiving Day, and throughout the year, let us show our gratitude for the blessings of freedom, family, and faith, and may God continue to bless America.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim Thursday, November 23, 2006, as a National Day of Thanksgiving. I encourage all Americans to gather together in their homes and places of worship with family, friends, and loved ones to reinforce the ties that bind us and give thanks for the freedoms and many blessings we enjoy.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this sixteenth day of November, in the year of our Lord two thousand six, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-first.


Thursday, November 16, 2006

Over the river and threw the woods.. Holiday planning

It's that time of year again!  Thanksgiving is going to be here soon and then before you know it CHRISTmas and then New Years and THEN my 30th Birthday (Jan. 19th.. don't you dare forget it!!).  The winter Holiday months seem to fly by with all the activity and parties and shopping.  Between all that, let's not forget to be thankful, and remember our blessings and those who bless us!  Actually we should do that every day all year long *wink*

 This year we are going out of town for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  You would think with our big new house and new sleeper couch ppl would come to US.. lol.. but no.. its time to get away and enjoy family time with those we hardly see.

Thanksgiving we are going to Virginia to see Josh's Aunt and Uncle and cousins we have only seen at the once a year family reunions.  We are really excited about this trip.  First family trip together this year and to a part of the country we never go to.  They live about an hour out side of DC so we will also get to take in some of the sights of the Capitol. I know one of AOL's headquarters is in that area too.. and I made the comment to Josh that it would be neat to take a tour since I read the AOL's Editors blog and hear so much about it but the comment he made in return I can't print.. may put up some red flag and then we'd have Home Land Security here and all that and it just wouldn't be a good thing..(that was sarcasm just in case some bonehead can't tell).  Josh has something against AOL.. as if I spend sooooooo much time on it @@.

 In stead of flying we are renting a nice van and are going to brave the 12 hour drive. A lot cheaper then if we all flew. We are planning on leaving late Tuesday night so the kids will sleep most of the way.  Praying for good weather!  We need to stock up and bring with us Saint Louis Gooey Butter Cake and Missouri Wine.  I always like brining somethings from our area as gifts for our hosts.

For Christmas we are going to my family up in Wisconsin.  My mom is so excited because all her babies will be together this year.  My brother got out of prison this week and I hope he stays out of trouble so we can see him.  It's been a few years since we all were together for Christmas.  It's been a year since I have seen any of my family.

Josh "says" he is going to try and stay in town for work till after the Holidays.  He is going to be gone all of January and it is a big trip (he doesn't like me to talk about it because its out of the country *ahem* and people are giving him a hard time for going AND it is a government contract so there is also security issues.  I've probably said too much with just that lol)  But I have learned that when he says something about work not to depend on it because it changes daily almost and I know there is a job coming up in New Mexico that he may be asked to go on.  And ofcourse there are pros and cons for him going or staying here for work.  He gets more money when he is on the road but misses so much at home.. and when he is home.. well so far we have not been meshing too well but I am sure that is only more reason for him to stay home so we can get back on track.  Plus I want to get in as much time with him as a family before he does leave in January.  (guess I should kiss and make up with him huh?)

We have decided not to go over board on the Holidays this year like we did last year.  One gift for each kid.. and Josh is saying that should just be socks and underwear lol.  We want to spend our money on another family this year from our church and bless them like others have blessed us threw the years.  Plus with the traveling and being with my family we will be spending more on them then what we normally do.  Either way we need to start budgeting our money and start the shopping soon.

What are you guys planning for this year?  comment or leave a link to your entry where you talk about it.  I know I am sooooooo far behind on my blog reading!!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I don't want flowers or candy... but something thoughful would be nice.. grovel at my feet dang it!

Josh got back home Friday from being on the road all week and I don't know what it is but I have been pissed off at him almost from the time he walked in the door.  It's like he brought home some nasty spirit with him.  And then every time I begin to soften he does or says something stupid and disrespectfull. First he called me a nag... so I threw my flip flop at him and missed... it hit a full pitcher of kool aid on the table,spilling it over and broke a glass (and guess who had to clean it up).  then he committed the most grievous sin and called me the big B word... you don't call any women that.. especial your wife.. even if she is being moody. I don't call him names.  So I took my friend up on her offer and went to a party with her and stayed out till after 2 in the morning (it was a fancy party with old rich people, not too much fun and Josh kept texting me all night).  And then just when we were starting to make nice.. well I found something on his computer and he is un apologetic about it... as if being away from me for weeks at a time is an excuse.. he knows how that hurts me and how I view it as old issue I refuse to keep having the same fight about but needless to say he is being frozen out.

If he would just make some effort to kiss my ass, some effort to make it better, make me feel better.. see that he has hurt me and try and make up for it but nope ...because of course it's all my fault right, and he doesn't see that he has done anything wrong and this is just a thing we will be over in a few days.  Why do I got to be the one to make it all right all the time??? Not this time.

I think all the turmoil played a part in me getting sick yesterday, I spent most of the day in bed. Yes he did bring me lunch and we did snuggle a bit.  He made the comment that it took me getting sick to be nice to him and hug on him, I told him that's only because my mommy wasn't around to snuggle with (cuz you know when you are sick you want comfort right).  I still had to take the kids to school and make most of dinner.. couldn't let me just loaf in bed and have quiet time.

When he went to bed I was watching a movie down stairs and fell asleep in his chair and didn't come to bed.  Not that I did it on purpose like he seemed to think this morning.

Why did God make men so stupid?

Thursday, November 9, 2006

Before & After: Living room and Den/Office

My camera doesn't do my living room justice but I thought I would share because I know some of you like to see how the new house is coming along.


Last week while Josh was home we did some shopping and rearranging to the living room and den.  I do not want to claim ANY responsibility for that ridiculously huge (but very cool) TV.  I was not consulted on it's purchase, I advised against it and I am pretty upset that it doesn't fit into my TV hutch.  But in my husband's defense, the tv we did have in the living room was almost 12 years old and was going out in a bad way and he is a sucker for new technology... thus he left me at home when he got it and told me to ''trust him". 

After Josh got the monster tv we had to move the hallway table into the living room and it was apparent the whole look I was going for in that room was blown.  The colorful, cozy, country, kid friendly atmosphere was giving way to a darker, look don't touch, modern feel.  We had planned on just going to get lamps at Bed Bath & Beyond because I had saw a set of 4 in their ad and had a coupon.  We have needed lamps for along time and still do for the children's rooms but more so for the living room.  Josh had inisted that I not go and buy cheap ones from Wal-Mart so I have waited. So on the way we stopped at Rothman's Furniture Outlet Store.. just to see if we could get a couch for around $300 (hahahahaha ya what was he thinking)  The couch we did have was his mother's orginaly and when we got it last year from her it was in very nice shape.. but 4 children and two slobby adults didn't take long to ruain it and we were having company over soon and did feel somewhat embarassed plus we needed more seating.

I have wanted a sleeper couch that was neutral and ofcourse all the couches that was close to that were not in the set price range.  But we did get a deal because we got the love seat along with the couch.  Yes leather and suede is ambitious for this household but the children are NOT allowed on the couch (only the love seat occasionally) and they will be spending most of their tv viewing in the den anyway.  And so help me Lord if I find them in there on the couches with any food or drinks!  I have also pledged not to sleep on the couch like I have been while Josh is out of town.  

I would also like to submit this as proof that our economy is fine and dandy and my hubby works his butt off.. all is paid off.. none of it was put on credit.  LOL sure I did have to skimp some on grocery's this week and deal with a bit of guilt for spending more than what I felt comfortable with but I have been told it is ok to enjoy blessings.  Not to say that I don't realize others are struggling right now and in no way shape or form am I gloating or bragging.  I am not trying to keep up with the Jones either! (side note.. the new billboard for our subdivision says "keeping up with the Jones has never been so easy".. because the builder is The Jones Company and I HATE that saying & billboard!!)  We rarely splurge like this because there is always other needs that need to be met.  I much rather bless others then get stuff for ourselves but every once in awhile...tisk.. why do I feel like I should have to defend myself???? LOL  Anyone who knows me and my family and where we used to be and where we are now are happy for us.  I guess I always feel overwhelmed by how blessed we are and how good the Lord's provision is.  From going to food banks and renting roach infested apartments to a beautiful new home and piece by piece furnishing it.. that is a long way.

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

I didn't abandoned you

ohh that is a good title.. on so many levels for this post.

I do not know what it is, every time I think.. I need to get online and update my blog.. go into the office/den.. I cant tear myself away.  I can fill ream and reams of entries of all that is going threw my head but for what ever reason just haven't been able to get to it. But I do want you to know, all of my friend you have been in my thoughts and prayers even while I am away.  I have not abandoned you.

Thank you all who left such encouragement for me on my last post. God is so good how he used others to uplift me threw that time and I hope you each know you were apart of that. 

That morning I did get a call from the women who has taken over my church Ladies Group.  She lives out of town and doesn't really know me or too much about me, so when she called it was very surprising.  She told me that the Lord had kept putting my face before her, that I was really in need of prayer and he told her I was going threw a hard time, even harder then most could realize and that she felt the overwhelming need to call me and pray with me.  I tear up even now as I think of it because it was so true and I was so blessed by her obedience and her prayers and words that ministered to me that day.  God had not abandoned me.

She also does alot of public speaking and gave me some good advice.  I had not finished or was even close to writing out a testimony and she told me to just jot down the key point or key words I may want to touch on and let God do the rest.  And that is just what I did.

When I got up to speak I was following up a very moving testimony of the family who adopted a baby that was conceived by rape.  They had brought him up for all to see how love can win out... I was bawling my eyes out.  When I was introduced it was like I was there but not, I didn't recognize the person they were describing, I just kept thinking about the little boy who was spared from death, rescued outside that abortion clinic and how I wish I had known, had the guts, had the support to give my daughter up for adoption.  I am always moved by adoption stories.

I am told I did very well, some did say they were captivated by my testimony ( just like Rebbeca's comment said) and moved and ministered to.  It was surreal, the spirit did take over, no way could I have done any of this on my own strength.  There was this one women that I felt drawn to.  She was very tearful as we spoke and I prayed with her and gave her my phone number if she ever wanted to talk.  She said something that struck her was the love that shown threw in my testimony for my mother and aunt, how I was not bitter towards them.  I hope that is true because I am no at all.  That is part of forgivingness and its power in my life.  While it would be easy to hold on to that hurt for some, I have let it go and forgiven them for what ever part they played in my abortion experience, they are just part of the story now and I am careful or try to be, on how I portray them.

So as you can see.. God did not abandon me that night, nor will he abandon you if you call on him for comfort and encouragement, peace, joy, help.

And that is just the tip of the iceberg of what has been going on in my life.  He just keeps drawing me closer and closer to him.. and I have to, it seems, cling to him, seek him, fight the negative things that would bring me down.

I got used to my husband being home, even if it was just for a week.  It takes adjustment when he gets home.. we are all lovey dovey for about two days and then there is a period of adjustment of each others expectations and routines and how we do things different, and that can cause friction.  And then after all that.. he has to leave again. 

But we did get to spend some good quality time together.  We went to a dinner and a movie (A Night With The King).  We also another night went out with some of the guys he works with to a bar called House Of Rock and saw a very interesting but talented group called Tricky's Delight.  And last Friday we went to a party his company threw at the forman's bar he works for (Baby K's in the city)

Sometimes I worry about my husband.  The guys he works with are not terrible people or anything, some a bit rough around the edges but with big hearts.  They just work hard so they party hard.  The kind of lifestyle I could see myself getting sucked into if I didn't know better.  And I am afraid my husband has it in his head that he can keep road life and home life septate, be two different people, but he has to come to it on his own and see how that is not healthy and is not going to work out well for him.

I had met one of the wives, very cool lady.  Her and her hubby know all the local bands and all the hot spots to go to.    I asked her how she deals with her husband being gone so much.  She said she has come to the conclusion that its HER time and that she is going to live life for her, party and have a good time.  She suggested that when our guys are out of town we should get together and she'll take me out.  Now.. while that sounds fun and my old flesh is screaming out OHHHYAA!!... I can see how that could get me in a whole lota trouble, a trap set, ready to be sprung by the old devil himself.  But I understand where she is coming from, what she is doing, using drinking and smoking and dancing and night life to fill that void.  In my past she is just the kind of person you would of seen me hanging with.. shoot I was her.

It took the contrast of a night of fellowship and homegroup we hosted at our house to remind myself how the world is and how life really is IN Christ.  When you give your testimony it not only encourages others but reminds you how far God has brought you, where you used to be and where you are now.  I don't want to seek comfort from the things of this world, it will only bring me down and back to a dark place.  I know right where I need to be and that is surrounded by those who will bring me up, not down, that will speak words of LIFE into mine, where I can grow and draw closer to The Lover Of My Soul.

It could be so easy to be seduced into old patterns.. and I know some who are struggling with that right now.  But the best thing is to focus on where you once where in your life and all the good things and blessings God has done in your life since then.  We all have broken pieces but he is our healer, comforter, and he has promised that the good works he has started in you he will finish. HE is the author and finisher of our faith.  Stand on those promises when times are hard and keep looking forward.  We all make mistakes but today is a new day, we are being changed from glory to glory.  Don't be afraid and isolate yourself.  Ask for help and prayer, that is what family in Christ is for, to be there for each other.  The Lord has not abandoned me and he will not abandon you.


Friday, October 27, 2006

Frazzle Dazzled.. Pray for me

How can it be Friday already???????!!!!!!

I am supposed to give this big, emotional, spirit filled speech/testimony tomorrow night and I am so not prepared!  It seems like every time I sit down to figure out what I am going to say and how to say it I get distracted or plainly just avoid doing the work to prepare like I know I should.  It is not like I have never done this before and I know in a nut shell what to say and how to be lead by the spirit, but it feels like my nerves are working over time on me about this event. 

Last night I could not sleep, as much as I tried because my hubby was finally home and in bed next to me.  But I kept tossing and turning and praying and crying as things ran threw my head and heart.  Finally at around 3:30 or so I went down stairs to the computer to read some of my past writings, knowing that all the information I will need is in my files.  BUT, I could not find my files that are all related to the articles and statistics and my past speeches!! I took a better part of an hour looking in every single word file I have on my computer.. and nothing.  It is as if any file that had the word abortion in it was deleted, vanished.  I know where it was the last time I pulled it up (months ago) and I know I did not deleted all those files.. nor any one in my family that shares this computer.. call me paranoid now.. it is like the enemy came in and wiped it all away!!!  JUST THOSE SPESIFIC FILES!!  Thankfully the bulk of my writings have shown up  here in my journal and webpages and it just takes a bit of searching of three years of entries to find what I need.

I started to type out my testimony, and what was on my heart and at about page three and six in the morning Josh came down asking what I was still doing up.  I am not even close to being finished and as I read and reread it, it just doesn't convey what I want to say, it feels like a dry, bitter, narrative of the has a strong start but I am stuck.  It is partly because I am questioning myself.. why does anyone want to hear me, what do I really have to say that is meaningful.. Why does the Lord want to use me... I feel worse than Moses, I feel very inadequate right now.When I agreed to do this speaking engagement I knew it was of the Lord and was very excited but right now I am feeling like a fool and un confidant, knowing full well that these are all negative thoughts being thrown at me to discourage me and that I should keep pushing threw with prayer and drawing on the Lord's strength.

It is a rainy gloomy day that reflects the inner storm going on with me right now.  Because I couldn't sleep last night I have been snoozing most of the day.  I was supposed to do the major grocery shopping for the week today.. didn't get done.  I do have most of what the kids need for the sleep overs they are going to tonight ready, that is a plus.  Josh and I are supposed to go out tonight since we have all the kids out of the house and he is also taking me out tomorrow night to a party with some of the guys and the wives from his work.  You would think I would be so ecstatic about all that and looking forward to getting out.  I am and I want to take full advantage of the time alone with him and a chance to cut loose but I guess I just don't feel worthy of two nights out in a row, that I am too lazy to warrant it.  That I don't deserve to enjoy myself until I know what I need to get done is done.

I know it will all work out even better than I can hope for, because The Lord My God is in control.  I am going to stop feeding these doubts and the spirit of anxiety right now!


Sunday, October 22, 2006

Fashion Show. Some of what we bought today.

It needs to be said again.. I really really dislike shopping!  But the girls needed the new coats and shoes.  I should of tried on the new tops before I bought them.. then I would of seen how fat it makes me look lol.  But they are warm so I will keep 'em, even if it is too "young" for me.  LMBO

Marshall's:  Sophia & Lilly's coats.  Lilly's shoes.  Annie's two outfits.

TJ Max:  Annie's Coat

Target:  Sophia's shoes.  My tops.  4 Cardinals Championship Sport shirts for each of the kids (not pictured)

We didn't get to hair cuts today.  Put that on the list of things to do this week.

I had planned on going to Burlington Coat Factory for all our shopping today.  I wasted so much time looking for it only to find it was gone, closed down! UGH.  Figures, I finally have a bit of money to shop there and they close.  But over all we did pretty good today.  We got what we needed and didn't spend an ungodly amount of money.  I wanted to check out Good Will today too but by the time we got to it they were closed.  Everything ofcourse closes earlier on Sundays.  That is what I get for being lazy yesterday and not doing all I should of done.  I will try and get there sometime this week and look for a nice out fit (suit maybe) to wear for Saturday.  I have had luck there before so it will be worth the trip.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

My thumb hurts : o

Feels like forever since I blogged or read anyone's blogs.  I have been very busy over this last week.. so much I could say and write but really does anyone care about the day to day adventures of a housewife?  I could give the long list of all my happenings and goings, a cute story, my rant on some political stuff, my angst and feelings.. Or I could go for the gusto with an emotional post and bear my soul about all that has been going threw my head, the excitement and nervousness about the speech I am trying to prepare myself to give next weekend, my sobbyness about being lonely for my husband and depression over feeling like a single parent half the time.. but that seems boring and so much work right now.  ehe.. who cares. Words words words..bla bla bla... bla.

This is what happens when you play too much PS2, your mind turns to mush, your thumb becomes numb and you fantasize about running over the neighbor's garbage can with your mini van, imaging after doing soo a 100 point score would materialize over ran down can.  I knew video games were some kind of evil.. but I just had to give in and buy one for my son's 12th birthday.  Figures he is better at it then me.. what takes me a whole day of play only takes him maybe an hour and a half..if that.. pft!

But really life has been great, I just feel unmotivated to even be on the computer all that much... (hearing that stupid game calling me.. come on Mary.. one more try.. you can beat the next level this time)

Zane's Birthday party sleep over was a great bash.. he got some awesome presents, we played some fun games.. the boys stayed up way late and ate a bunch of junk.. some how I have orange stains on my ceiling from that sticky stuff they put in slime.  But NO MORE!!  Never again am I going to put my self there 9 or so boys at a time by myself!  Why didn't I listen when people asked me if I was crazy??? LOL

Last weekend was an awesome time at church too.  I have video of some of the great music groups that came in over the two days we held services at the new property under a tent.  Maybe I'll post them sometime even if my camera is crappy and poor quality.. the songs are still moving.

Monday Annie was in a school production.  She only sang in the choir but did wonderful.. stood up tall and straight and had a big smile the whole time..very professional.  Josh came home for it but left the next morning.  Glad he could make it, gave Annie a good boost I am sure.  But I think he only came because I guilted him into it.. gave him some snappy remark over the weekend when I was in a really pissed off mood about how he sets his priorities... it was not very nice..and I did feel guilty right after I got off the phone with him but held in the urge to call him back to say I was sorry, but hey.. he was there wasn't he!

Tuesday I got to volunteered for the first time with Sophia's kindergarten class.  I helped out in the computer lab for about an hour and eat lunch with them. This will become part of my weekly thing with her class.  I want a smart board too!!! haha as if I really need one or could afford one.. but they are pretty cool.

Thursday and Friday I was on field trip dutey with Sophia and Lilly's classes.  They both went to pumpkin patches.. two different ones.  We had fun.  Of course they were so proud that mommy was there and helped with their friends in our group.  And now I got roped into helping with one of their Fall Parties.

So what is up with this coming week?  humm.. Zane has scouts on Monday, Volunteering again in Sophia's class Tuesday, Wednesday Church & Bible study, Thursday I have to pick Zane up from Choir practice.. ohh ya and I can't forget Parent Teacher Meetings.. Annie's is Monday and the other three's are all on Thursday.  Friday Zane & Annie get to do a sleep over with their youth groups at church (maybe I can get rid of the little ones and actually get out of the house myself???hahahhah what ever, ya right)  Saturday evening I am giving a speech on behalf of Silent No More at a Celebration of Life service, I have been given a whole half hour to speak!! WOW.  So mostly this week I will be preparing for that in my free time, and maybe even get a new outfit and hair cut?  Tomorrow I definitely need to go shoe shopping after church for Lilly and Sophia and Zane and Lilly really need badlyyyyyyy hair cuts. Sophia and Annie need new winter coats too.  Some how between all that I need to go grocery shopping, clean the house, do laundry,pay bills, oh and play PS2.


Ideas for games that I used for Zane's party:

Blindfold Feeding
Sit two people opposite each other and blindfold them both.

Hand one a dish of ice cream and a spoon, and ask the other to put their hands behind their back (so they can't feel for the spoon and guide it into their mouth).

The person with the ice cream must now try to feed the other
*Didn't get to this one because they ate all the skittles I had bought for it lol
Never Never V2
Supply each of your guests with 20 jellybeans (or any candy of your choice).

The first person makes a true statement about themselves that begins with the words, "I never...". For example - if one person has never told a lie, then she would say "I have never told a lie in my life". If the statement (without the "I never") is true for other guests, then they must eat a piece of candy.

Everyone should take at least one turn. Keep playing until it is obvious who will end up with the most candy - that is your winner! * never got a chance to play this one but we may at future parties
Who Knows Susie Best
This is like the newlywed game only for friends at a Birthday party or sleepover.

Make up a whole bunch of questions about the Birthday boy or girl, or anyone you like. Divide the guests into teams. Each team has markers and paper for their answers.

For example:

- Name the dates he/she had to the following dances
- What instrument did he/she play first
- What sports has he/she played
- What was the name of his/her favorite teacher, or pet
- What does she want to be when he/she grows up

The winners are the team with the most correct answers. *This is one of the games we played to pass a bit of time and settle them down.
Blair Witch Hide And Seek
A new type of hide and seek to play using a mobile phone and house phone.

Wait until it's dark and turn out the lights. One person hides with a cell phone.

In the pitch black, everyone goes looking for this one person. Every so often he must call the house phone and give clues to where he is hiding.

This game is thrilling and fun. If you have one, get a night vision video camera to follow the guests, and watch the tape later.
*We played some kind of version of this.  One of the older boys brought his Jason glow in the dark mask and hid while the boys were looking for the person who was IT.. OMG they screemed like GIRLS.  I also had a min strob light on and that added to the scarry atmopher.
Egg Roulette
bit messy but a real laugh.

Get enough eggs so there is one per player. Hard boil them all except one. About 15 minutes in boiling water will be plenty. Put all the eggs in a bowl, including the single egg you did not hard boil.

Now start the game. Everyone picks an egg. You then have the choice of 'switching eggs' where you and someone else switch.

Finally everyone smashes the egg against their forehead - with the inevitable laughter as one person gets a surprise! * I opted to make sure everyone had protection on and we sat around in a circle passing the eggs around.  The boys thought it was silly and would of rathered throwing them at each other (as if!) but it was still a good game.
Camera Game
Find a point-and-shoot camera with a flash and a self-timer. The cheaper the better. Or you can use a digital camera.

Set the self-timer and the game begins. Each player must hold the camera at arm's length and point it at themselves very briefly, before passing it on to their left.

Keep going, until eventually the camera goes off with a flash of light, and much laughter. The loser has a quick forfeit (see our forfeits page), before recommencing. The shots you get back will be too funny! *We didnt use this one but it is a good idea for future parties.
Who am I
A Good game to get people talking together at the start of the party 
As they arrive each person has a piece of paper pinned to their back.  The paper contains the name of a famous person.  By asking questions which can only be answered with "Yes" or "No" such as "Am I still alive?", "Am I fictional?", etc. the person has to guess their name.  Successful guessers may have another go.
*Since it was Friday The 13th we used horror movie charters & evil people in history.  It was so funny!
Truth & Dare using balloons.
Ahead of time we wrote out an even number of Truth questions and Dares so everyone would have to do at least one of each (and I had so I would have some control over what was asked lol)  Then we took them and put them into blown up balloons, black for Dare and White for Truth.  Later everyone sat in a circle and drew from the balloon bag and had to pop the balloon to get their question.  This one went over real well!!  And I got all the dirt on his friends LOL.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Happy B-Day Aud, Gabriel the great mouser & Pics from the Field Trip

Cat & Mouse.. GET "EM!!

Cat & Mouse.. GET "EM!!

It's that lovely time of year again.. the cold brings in mice, especially because there is so much new construction  around here.  This is why I tell my kids about 100 times a day to ONLY eat in the kitchen.  Obviously they didn't listen last night and trashhhhhhhhed my office!  Gabriel our cat is having fun toying with this mouse and I am grossed out!  I was talking to my mom on the phone while taping this little scene.  Eventually I caught it and released it out on the street.. Gab is pretty frustrated by that and is still looking around for it.  Good thing that our Pest People are scheduled to come in next week. uggh!!!

Monday, October 9, 2006

This week is going to be as busy as the last..

Saturday morning was Women's Meeting at church... and it was awesome ofcourse.  The main message was "Who Told You That" considering the source.  And then we had a moving prayer time.  I really take to heart what was spoke to me while I was being prayed over, it was very timely and maybe I'll share later.

Then Saturday afternoon we went to the Grand Opening of our church's out reach food pantry.  Zane helped out by being a clown.  It was something of a carnival theme.  It was a good time and a few new faces did show up.  I enjoyed meeting new people and just talking to them.  The out reach is small right now but I know it will grow, especially once we have a new building built and more room.  But even with the little that we do have, God can do big things with it if we are faithful. 

Sunday the kids and I went to a cousin's birthday party at what some parents consider the most evil place ever lol Chucky Cheese.  Ya, it is a bit of an annoying place. I couldn't see going there but once a year.  But the children had a ball and will be talking about it for the next month I am sure.  Aunt and Uncle kept them all in tokens the whole time.. I hope they don't expect that from me.. I'd be very broke!  Remember when it used to be called Billy Bob's and it was a Gorilla as the mascot?

This week is going to be somewhat of a busy one too.  Tomorrow I am going on a field trip with Annie and her class.  We both are excited that I can go along.  The first field trip of the year and the first time I have been able to help out at school in I don't know how many years.  It will so much easier to be more involved now that all 4 of the kids are in school.  I did get a call from Sophia's teacher about me starting to be a helper in the Kindergarten class.  That's going to be very cool.

Wednesday is my one of my Best Friend's birthday.. she is going to be ... haha she'd kill me if I really said.. but it is almost as old as dirt.. not quiet but almost (Love you Aud hehe)  My other friend and I have decided to do something special for her.. and you know it has to do with Chocolate.. since Audra is a CHOCOHOLIC!!  Then later that night I have church.. I have missed two Wednesday's in a row and I really need to get back on track with my Bible study and the kids are missing out on things going on in their clubs. I'm going to have to get gas in the van.. ugh.. I was hoping to hold off on that till Friday.

Thursday is Zane's 12th Birthday!!! OMG!  *sniff* My baby is so not a baby anymore.  Now he is a gross pre-teen boy, and a bit smelly too .   Friday night he is having his birthday sleep over party.  I have to get the sisters out of the house or else you know it will be a big night of torcher.. for me or the girls.. either  way they got to go lol.  Any suggestions of fun games or activities for a 12 yr boy's sleep over party??  I am going to try and get them into a "nice" version of Truth Or Dare.. so I can get all the dirt for me and the other mom's to talk about.  Other than lots of junk food and movies I can't think of anything.  Considering it will be Friday The 13th, I need to think of a good way to scare them too! Wish Josh was here, he is better at this stuff than I am.

Then Saturday night it all starts over again with a special concert out at church's new property.  We rented a big tent and are going to put up a stage and have lots of praise music and food.  And Sunday morning something similar.

Again.. forgive me for being so behind on my alerts.. will try and catch up tonight but this next week I may be on even less than I was last. Out there.. living life..but I'll check back in and report it all.. if you are interested

Out to breakfast

Out to breakfast

This is a few weeks old.  I tried to e-mail it to Josh but I guess it's too big of a file so I'll send him this link.

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Check out Ms. Magazine Names Women Who Had Abortions - AOL News

Oh it would be so easy to get sucked into the message boards about this one but I hate message boards.. ppl can't seem to remember there is another human being on the other end of that screen name they are being nasty to and seem to think a message board is a free for all.
Ms Magazine.. publishing the names of women who have had abortions proudly.  How about publishing the other side of it Ms??  Would they publish my story and all the pain it has caused in my life even still to this day?  Or the millions of others like me?? NOPE!  That would undermined their agenda.  Women need LOVE and deserve better!!!
Pray for the women who have signed up to be on this "list". They are hurting and may not even see how it has effected them and the healing they can find.

Monday, October 2, 2006

News Junkie going cold turkey

I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!!!  This morning news was just too much.. and I have avoided the rest all day and don't feel any inkling of watching anything but comedy or love stories.

I mean commmmmmmmmmme on!!! A shooting in an Almish one room school house, killing how many children.. 6 or more?!!!  And the week before that the one in Colorado and the kid in Wisconsin (all these rural or suburban areas) shooting his principal.  And then here in my local news.. Women stealing other women's children.. cutting them out of the womb... killing the mother and baby and then the other 3 kids turned up dead in the washer and dryer.  And the week before that a women stealing a new born and slashing the mother's throat.

My kids are doing terrist drills at school like they are fire fricking drills!

Is it just me.. or is there a "spirit" of violence covering America.. hitting us where it hurts the most.. our children.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

What was meant for harm.. This is really awesome to me!!!

I started this last night and it is already the wee hours of the morning.. so keep that in mind when I say today and yesterday

I have found and others have told me, anytime you start to grow and step out in your faith to expect attacks from the demonic realm.  Makes sense, if you are not growing or are stale in your faith or if you are not walking in God's will, why would Satan worry about you.. but start to shake up his lies he puts forth, start to share the Truth, start living in God's Will and be bold in the Holy will get his attention.  But on the other hand.. whom shall we fear, if God is for us who can be against us.. resist the devil and he shall flee.. put on the full armor of God and prepare for Battle!!  And sometimes.. we give the Devil too much credit.. as in the book of Job.. he can not touch anyone with out permission.. and what we may perceive as an attack, may be God using that for his Glory in your life.. What was meant for harm for the believer, The Lord turns around for His Honor and His Glory.

When Sophia started getting sick with a scratchy throat..I tried to dismiss it.. pray that she would be well and we could avoid a trip to the Pediatric Doc. I told her if she felt bad to tell the teacher and go to the nurse, mommy will come and get you. Then she came off the bus yesterday crying her eyes out with a fever and could barely eat because her throat was so sore, I was pissed.. I thought it was because I was getting attention that I didn't want because of some of the things I had been saying to others, some of the Words of Truth I had been speaking and because I was drawing closer to the Lord.  My children are my soft spot and it hurts to see them sick or in pain.  I have been blessed with very healthy children.  Not so much as an ear infection as babies, and only Annie had one bout of unexplained fevers that put her in the hospital when she was 3.. but she came out of it fine.  The only time we have needed to go to the Pediatrician this last year was for routine shots.. and even then I just went to the Health Department to get them.

I had to go threw the phone book this morning and find a doctor that took our insurance and would get us in.  Sophia was miserable this morning.. she didn't have a fever but was hungry yet wouldn't eat anything I had to offer.  Her throat hurt so badshe said.  She was very whiney.  But ofcourse by the time I got her to the doctor's office she was more chipper, throat swab taken, urine sample taken.. and the nurse is looking at me like "what are you doing here?" Sophia is very sociable and chatty. The doctor said everything came back good.. not strep from the fast test, no urine infection (I had asked for her to be tested because of her having trouble in the bathroom) but she did see a few spots on her throat and said if she was not any better by Friday to bring her in.. it could be mono.  Mono!! What?!  She shook her head and said.. it would be rare but not to worry, she didn't think it was.  I asked if she could go to school tomorrow and she said yes if she didn't have a fever anymore today.  Basically Sophia is fine!!  She has perked up and is almost back to her normal self and feeling better.

During the course of the exam the Doctor asked all the new patient questions of us.  How many children do you have, how were the pregnancies and births.  Any past medical problems or surgeries, family history.. you know the routine if you have children of your own.  When she was asking if Sophia was my first.. both Sophia and I chuckled and I said oh no.. she is my baby, she has a brother and two sisters.. four all together.  This is when Sophia started in.. Ohh don't forget my other sister.. the one in Heaven.. then she turns to the doctor and says I have a big sister in heaven named Beautiful!!  Ohh dearrrr.. there she goes again and I am caught by surprise by the situation (you may remember where I talked about this in a previous post)  The new doctor looked at me wanting to know what happen and I tried to wave it off but I knew that was not going to do it.  She asked how THAT pregnancy went and I had to say out loud.. to a stranger.. it was terminated.. and gave her the look that said to let it go.

In a normal OBGYN appointment I am prepared to give that answer on the form they give.. it is one of those reminders of that child I lost, that abortion I had at 15, if I  want to be honest with my doctor and ofcourse that is always best.. but never have I had to explain her at a  Pediatrician appointment.  I am not shy to talk about it or all that embarrassed.. I am past that, but this really stung.. hurt. I don't just bring it up with strangers, there is always atime and place and a setting that I prepare myself for and Sophia is throwing me all off with her talking about Beautiful all of sudden this past week.  Because of all this I was starting to doubt myself and the reasons I am so open with the children about the sibling they will not get to meet until we are all in Heaven.  The original reasons was because I have become more outspoken publicly, doing speeches and pro-life rallies,radio interviews, and print, often my family is there for all that.  I did not want it to be the big family dirty secret that is never talked about (as it is for so so many women who have not found healing).  It was explained to each child on their own level.  And I have always been open to talking to them about their sister and why I do what I do now. But this week it feels more painful because I have been taken by surprise maybe.

After the appointment we went to one of my close friend's house.  On the drive I was mulling over what happen at the doctor's office in my head.  I needed to talk to SOME ONE about it, vent.  My friend knows my story and we talk about it from time to time.. she is post abortive too.. but has not sought healing over it yet and still keeps it a secret in her closest from the world.  So as I was telling her what Sophia said at the appointment and the questions she was having from the other day my friend was Horrified.  "What if she talks about it at school.. telling other kids she has a dead sister in heaven, what if you have to answer to her teacher or the school??  What will you say then?"  She didn't get it and was adding to my doubt.  I said if Sophia did.. well she was just telling the truth and her feelings, I don't mind that. Its just the out of the blue this all seems to be coming from.. what is up with THAT?

Talking to my friend did not settle me at all like it usually does when I vent to her about my kid's problems or my family stuff.  My inner turmoil was still churning and I knew I could not hold this in.  I HAD to talk to some one who would understand my point of view, some one who has been threw this and could give me perspective, Godly council.  I am so blessed that God has put some one in my life who fits that bill.

Two years ago I got involved with Silent No Moreand metAmy Martin.  We keep in touch and touch base every now and then and especially when an event is being planned or coming up.  I can't put into words how I just love and adore this women.. the PEACE that flows threw her and her boldness.. she is a very dynamic public speaker because she has passion for Jesus Christ and wants only him to shine threw and show people the healing they can find threw him.  A few days ago I was reading over the local Christian Music radio station's calendar of events on their website.  People and churches send in info for events and concerts or Bible Studies and Conferences or Retreats they are hosting and all the contact info.  That is how I found out about that Rally At The Ranch for us to go to when Josh was in town.  I had read about something along the lines of a Celebration Of Life event coming up in October, it was Pro-life in nature being put on by an organization I am familiar with and Amy was scheduled to be a guest speaker.  I was so excited and planned on attending if only to see her again (lol never get tiered of her testimony.. brings tears every time).  We hadn't really talked since last February when we did a radio interview together for one of the Christian Talk A.M. stations. (I never did post the audio from that.. but I do have it if anyone wants to listen).  So she has been on my mind.. I had been planning on seeing her then but this could not wait.. I had to call her right when I got home.

Her and I had a wonderful conversation and it really did help to talk to her.  I asked if she had told her children, how old they were and how did they deal with and are dealing with it.  Her children are grown now but at the time she went forward, her children were 18 and 13.  So much older than mine but she did tell me I have done the right thing by being honest, open, and it is more freeing to not keep it in, and the kids would of had questions or wonder about my behavior later.  She told me about some one she knew who had a still born son and afterwards a daughter.  They told the daughter about the brother lost very early on and he has always been in their life, talked about openly and grieved over together and that the daughter wasquite healthy mentally for it.. and she kinda equated my situation to that.  As long as I am keeping everything at their maturity level it will be ok.  She pretty much confirmed what I was feeling.. that I was not a nut and I had done the right thing for my family and children and that helped so much.

We went into a conversion about her being the guest speaker at that event and how I was excited to go and see her speak. She said.. "Ohh Mary.. that reminds me I need to call them!  I almost forgot with all that is going on.. I have to be out of town that weekend!  I am going to be a Grandmother and the delivery is scheduled to be that weekend".  She had just found out about the planned induction and knew when she had first agreed to do the event, it would be cutting it close to the birth of her first grandchild.  She was feeling very torn and guilty and praying about it.  Then we both laughed and came to the conclusion that our talk today was God planned, his perfect timing.  She asked if I would pray about doing it, taking her place if the coordinators could not find some one, that she would recommend me....Me?!  At first I was taken aback.. Amy is awesome, I am not half the public speaker she is.  But.. it is not out of the realm of possibility.. I have spoken at events before.. I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to tell her I really could do it, have them call me.

Do you all see what I am getting at??? The point of this long post??  I would not of called Amy, I was just going to show up at the event.. I only called her out of a need to be ministered to by what I was going threw with Sophia.  And because of all that I filled a need she was PRAYING about!  You see how God has turned what seemed meant for harm and made it all about HIM and his Glory??  I am blown away by Him honestly!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Testing out MoBlogging from my e-mail & Sick Sophia

Image from AOL Pictures <----- gives all the details about Moblogging.. I forgot what I was looking for but came across this and thought I would give it a test run.   I don't have net on my cell anymore but this may be an incentive to get it back.  Right now I am testing it out from my e-mail account on AOL since all you really are doing is sending an e-mail to your journal. 
I'm sending an attachment of poor sick Sophia to see if it goes threw and posts.  In the post about Moblogging it said in August you will be able to send video threw moblog (hello it's almost Oct.. has this update been made yet?)

Sunday, September 24, 2006

I am blessed, thankful and Praise God, even for the harder things

Thinking about the blessings in my life and how God has touched me this week.. so many to count.  Interesting to see how when I step out of the negative or unvibrant pattern I have allowed my self to be stuck in for awhile, some may call it a spiritual valley, and I start to draw closer to the Lord, I can recognize his voice much clearer, see those divine things he is doing with me and with in me and how that echoes threw my life to others.

Late Thursday Josh was able to come home but just for over night.  He got home well after the kids were in bed and left before they got up.  It was an unexpected visit and I am happy I had him to my self for a bit.  He did go and kiss and hug each of our children before he left.  I hadn't mentioned to them that daddy had been home that morning when I was getting them off to school and I wondered threw out the day if they would just assume the hugs and kisses were sweet dreams.  Ohh but they did remember and miss him so much and cherish the kiss and hug they got.

Later that day I talked with Josh and he had told me the guy he had rode with back and forth, from there to here, had a serious sezier on the job.  Apparently he is an epileptic but has not had one in over 5 years. The weather was horrible in the area Josh is in that day and the lighting may of been what set it off. I just Praise God and am thankful he did not have it while he was driving and Josh was sleeping on the way back out of town.  I always pray and ask others to pray for my husband when he goes out of town, for his safety and sanity and peace of mind, that his hands would be blessed and all he touches in his occupation would be quality work and ofcourse that he would be drawn closer to God.  I can see those prayers being heard and met.. this is just one instance.

Friday afternoon I got a call from my sister. She said she had gotten a call that our mother had fallen out side of work and was taken to the ER.  They live out of state so it is always hard when something happens and I can not rush to the scene but I prayed and had Peace and was not overly worried about it all.  It turns out mom either fractured her shoulder or tore rotator cuff.. she will know more Monday when she sees the bone doctor.  I was able to talk to her and she sounded like she was in a lot of pain.  Pray for her speedy recovery and ease of pain.  But I amthankful it was not worse than it could of been and she will ultimately be ok.  Her husband always takes good care of her and I know he is serving and doeting on her.

Friday was also a day one of the prayer chain e-mail groups I belong to had a private chat room open for prayer.  People were in and out all day.  I was so blessed to be there and pray with others.  I have gotten out of the habit of praying on line with and for others or even going to chat rooms but this was just awesome and I could feel the Holy Spirit flowing.  I see it as one of those divine appointments, no accident I was there and got to meet new people.

Also Friday the children's midterms came home.  Zane and Annie are all A's and B's.  Lilly I was surprised got letter grades for 1st grade.. the last school district they didn't get letter grades untill 3rd.  Tell me how can some one get a D- in the Vocabulary category but an A- in Comprehension and phonetic skills??  But her and Sophia I need to spend more time on reading and sight words.  Annie has always had a prob with spelling and Lilly seems to be having trouble too. Even though almost every night we study and I make them write the words out 5-10 times and I quiz them.  Ohh and do you know how Annie's spelling test is formatted?!  Multiple choice where they fill in the bubble by the right answer!  I think that may be part of her problem.. she can do it writing it out but to see it mixed with misspelled ones is confusing to her.  They say they have the tests like that because that is how the big state MAP test they take at the end of the year is and they are preparing them for it.   But other than that I am happy with the midterms.. areas to work on and refocus on but it is still yearly in the year.

I have been so lazy lately.. with grocery shopping and stuff.  We have been eating alot of fast food this week because of it. I am sure I have undone what ever weight loss I had accomplished LOL wouldn't really know.. the scale I had has been thrown out.. some one broke it. (meaning one of the kids played with it and broke the digital screen.. not that some one was sooooo fat they broke it LMBO)  I am not in any real hurry to go and get a new one either.  If I feel good and my clothes fit nice.. that is good enough for me. 

Any way.. the reason I was going into about us eating out so much..

Lilly and Sophia drove with me Friday night to get dinner. We went to Hardees and then to the Red Box at Mickey D's for some movies.  On the drive, out of the blue Sophia says, "Mom, I missssssss Beautiful" And she went on and on about it and then started asking questions.  "Arn't you glad we will get to see her one day in heaven. She is so lucky to be with Jesus but I wish I could of known her.. I can't wait to meet her one day" "She would of been my big big sister right?  She was your baby before Zane right?"  "How did she die anyway mommy?"  And this is where Lilly piped in, "shhhhh.. Don't you know mommy always gets sad when she talks about that"


I was caught off guard.. not prepared.. this conversation seemed to of come out of no where. I did my best to talk about it while driving and answer each question.. the last one was the hardest and ofcourse I just said she died before she could be born (in my head I wanted to say the truth, I murdered her, she was ripped out by people who said they were helping me..but instead hurt me but I know that is too harsh of a reality for them) and when Lilly said what she said it really struck me.  I had to tell her it was ok to talk about her, that yes I get sad but its all right, don't be afraid to talk to me about her.  I am happy they do and are aware of this special little life that was cut short.. not just I mourn her but so do the siblings she would of had. 

 It is touching to see how a 5 & 6 yrd pick up on things and how they are so preceptive.  I have told them about Beautiful before, we have had conversations, especially before I do public speaking about it and I have never shyed away from questions.  Ofcourse I never have gone into the deep details with the little ones like I have with Zane and Annie. And usually when we do talk about it I have prepared myself emotionally and mentally.  I wonder what brought on these questions, what was the trigger.  Do they talk about it among themselves? I am sure they do.  But why this particular day were they thinking of her?  I could see if I had been talking about it to some one on the phone or if I was preparing for a speech, or if they had seen me reading about it or visiting her memory webpage.. but I hadn't openly in the last month or so talked about it or dwelled on it with anyone around the children.

I just have to see it as a God thing.  I had just been touching on the subject with a newer friend online that day.. but they did not know about that.  I think God is encouraging me, and if anything maybe it came up just so I could write about it today.

I have written so much about it over the last 3 years.. and I don't want to keep doing the same post over and over.. so if you want to read more about this subject and my experiences, here is a link to a page with links to specific journal entries.  And don't feel shy about asking questions or e-mailing me or IM me about this topic.

I do have a post mulling around in my head about General Hospital, the soap I watch and my thoughts and feelings about the story line where Luke's daughter got one.. but it's not ready for me to write yet.