Thursday, January 31, 2008

Trying Not To Indulge In Those Negative Vocies

It is sooo true that we fight not flesh and blood but in spirit and spiritual principalities.  And the battle is in the mind.  I know this very well.. I have for a long time in my walk.  A lesson learned and relearned.  So often when those voices, thoughts, ideas, not from God creep in I have been equipped to tell them Get Behind Me, Leave, resist the devil and he will flee.  Calling out those lies that attack you, speaking to it the Truth and sometimes having to remind me the TRUTH about myself has helped stayed off depression, pulled me threw hard times, built me up.

But the other night in the wee hours I let them get to me, keeping me up, indulging in tears and self hate, agreeing with what I know is not true. Isn't it amazing how in the dark and quiet hours of the night those demonic voices can become so loud and clear and almost seem to make sense.  And I am not talking about sckitzo voices or literal audible voices (just so you know I am not crazy, I am talking figuratively).  That self sounding voice telling me I am not good enough, I don't measure up, how rejected I am, how horrible everything in my life is, all the things I can't do for myself or for my family, how I am a big fat looser and failer and that no one really knows or cares, a pity party with tears being the cake that I ate all to myself leaving me sick.

This is where I am supposed to say BUT The Joy comes in the morning, I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abanded, struck down but not destroyed, and I'm alll good, everything is going to be alright.  I want to say that, but I am not there yet, not just yet.  I know if I focus on the Lord it will help and I am trying, knowing not to live my life by feelings that change day to day but by faith in a God that is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and that he will never leave me or forsake me.  How can I be down when I know that with out a shadow of doubt in my heart?  The cares of this life is getting to me and the light hearted me, the trusting me, the me that just knows it will be ok eventually is fighting to come thru but her voice is muffled with the daily pain, disappointments, let downs, selfishness of wanting and needing more of what I have. 

 I know there is no magic wand to wave that will make it all better, or a kiss on my boo boo that makes pain vanish and the bumps and scrapes all right.  I almost don't want to be consoled but some positives right now would help.  A crumb of hope.  Something to hold on to.  A dentist that would do work for free or considerable reduced rate, a mortgage company that will give us a set rate, a job that fits the box I need to be in right now to accommodate my family's schedule, more time with my husband with out having to be penalized with him not having work and getting us more behind, friends that are givers not taker and are understanding and won't give looks of concern but give positive reinforcement.  Or just once to be able to say YES to my children when they ask to sign up for dance class with their friends or even to be able to buy them jeans where the knees aren't going to blow out in a week or shoes that don't come from Wal-Mart and fall apart in two months.  Right now that seems like a tall wish list but just one prayer answered right now would be the world to me.

the song on my myspace page right now.. descries me to a T right now:

She's a wreck
Fragile and scarred
Life is work and living is hard
She's tired of the pain, tired of the fix
She's tired of the games and the politics

She's running on empty
She wants an alternate ending

And she's falling
She's falling in love with You
She's so hopeless
She's hopelessly drawn to You

She can feel the weight of the past
It drags her down but she's fighting back
She wants to fly far away from here
She wants a God that won't disappear

She's all out of chances
She is looking for answers

And she's falling
She's falling in love with You
She's so hopeless
She's hopelessly drawn to You

The sun is on the rise
New days coming
You see it in her eyes
She's runnin'
Head long into the light
Let the new day come

And she's falling
She's falling in love with You
She's so hopeless
She's so hopelessly drawn to You

The sun is rising in her eyes
Hold on, the day will come
Love is waiting
Running to the light
Hold on, the day will come

Words by Michael Tait

Monday, January 28, 2008

I'll try and not cram too much into one entry

Here I am.. do you miss me???  I miss you and my blogging.  I always have so much I want to say and limited time to update when the computer is available to me.  I have tried taking up paper journaling but it just isn't the same and I have even started to call into talk radio to voice my opinions.. still not the same.  Oh well.. this can't last forever and eventually I will have the capabilities to blog and e-mail and comment and do groups to my heart content.

Meanwhile I have had a birthday.  Someone who should of known better asked me how old I am now.  My response was "Old enough" and they said "Old enough for what" with a playful smile.  And me always quick with a comeback said "old enough not to be the youngest in the room anymore"  And it' true  Josh and I used to be the youngest married couple, not anymore.  And I used to be the youngest at women's group.. not  for some time now.  But still I am younger than most of my friends so I don't get away with complaining about being old.

January Birthdays always seem to get jipped because of Christmas so I did not expect much of anything for my Birthday.  Still I EXPECTED two or three calls saying Happy Birthday.  Of all ppl I expected my husband to call me.  He is out of town constantly for work but we talk daily and I had reminded him that it was coming up.  He took it as nagging and guffed.. ya I know.  My birthday was on a Saturday, a day he was not working.  I waited and waited.  Then I got concerned when his cell went to voice mail the 10 times I tried calling and no response to texting.  I thought surely something is wrong.  His phone is never turned off and EVEN if it was he could borrow someone's to call.  I don't keep a roster of his co-worker phone numbers so I had no way of getting ahold of him.  I finally broke down and called one of the wives to ask if she could  call and have her hubby check on mine.. that surely he must be lying in a ditch somewhere or his phone is stolen or he is in jail because it's my birthday, its almost 9:00 p.m his time and I have not heard from him all day and he is a good caring husband that wouldn't blow off his wife on her birthday.

With in 10 minuets of calling that wife I got a call from Josh. His excuse was his ringer was turned off and he had been sleeping most of the day. He said he was goinggggg to calllll eventually.  Yes, I did give him an earful followed up with hanging up on him. Too bad with cell phones they don't have those loud slam down clicks like the old phones so he couldn't really hear it.  But from what I gather all the guys he works with know about it and gave him a good hard time for me. LOL.   No he hasn't made up for it really but his time home is always short so I will try and not hold it against him.  I will just chalk it up to typical male behavior and get over it.  Because after all.. love doesn't hold a record of wrongs.

Another event while I have been away is one of Annie's (my oldest daughter) school mates died.  The 5th grade boy died suddenly from juvenal diabetes and it is very shocking to our community.  Annie had him in her class for 3rd and 4th grade and some of her friends were close to him.  She is very sad and I am trying to keep an eye on her.  We went to the viewing but were unable to attend the service for him. For Annie it was important to her to say goodbye even if she knew that was just his body and he was not really there.  And we did cry.  The funeral home was standing room only with family and friends.  He was very much liked and loved.   I know the school did a fundraiser for the juvenile diabetes foundation in his honor and thechildren have had opportunities to express their grief.  It's just hard to see.  My daughter is a very sweet, soft spoken and caring girl and takes things to heart, like her mother.  We are praying for the family and our community.  Josh is spending the day with her and giving her extra attention and I asked the adults in children's church to maybe talk to her about it and see if they can get her talk about it and if they see any areas of concern.

Lots of events coming up too.  Super Bowl Sunday church is having a party with a chili cook off.  Dare 2 Share is coming to town in a few weeks and Zane is going. Wish I could go again this year with the youth but I don't think I can swing paying for the both of us.  Women's retreat is at the end of March and I really want to go but not sure how I can work that out money wise and finding some one to take care of the kids.  It's funny because the theme this year is "How to be a Mary in a Martha world".  The other day I was just telling my friend how she was SUCH A MARTHA and that is one of her giftings.  She is very new to the Bible and her faith in Christ and exclaimed, "What! I am nothing like Martha Stewart!" taking it as an insult.  LMBO  I had to explain to her about the scripture talking about Mary and Martha and the two different personalities. (Luke 10:38-42)

I am a bit bumming right now about my work situation.  I love working at the Day Care, even if it was for very little and it wasn't the most economical in gas.  I was getting a paycheck and enjoying what I did.  But the Day Care has been shut down temporally so they can do reconstruction and get up to code better.  Going on to the second week and I am not for sure when it will be back up and running.  We really need the extra money and I will probably have to look for another job.  And you know how I hate the whole job search thing.  So that is all in prayer.

Hoping to be back more this week and get to catch up on all the blog reading I have been missing.  Leave your link!

Monday, January 7, 2008


I had swore to the kids they were not going to get ANYTHING for Christmas this year.  I won't even go into what they did to make me so angry to threaten that.. I can laugh now but at the time I was very upset.  Sophia my precocious little one told one of my friends that it was ok mommy wasn't going to get her anything because on Christmas we go to Grandma & Grandpa's and they always have presents (snot).  So they were very surprised when they got the big gift that they did.

My mom had sent store gift cards this year (lazy lol jk) and that helped go toward buying the PS3.  I also have been working at a daycare so that extra helped too. (I love holding babies all day BTW) But I had to go out on Christmas Eve to shop.. that was CRAZY!!  I hope next year I can afford to plan ahead better.  Now we are so broke.. not sure how I am going to get threw the next week but some how we always do.

We got the girls Blue Ray DVDs to unwrap and I had to play like I bought the wrong kind..oops.  And then when Zane opened Guitar Hero III, I told him it was so he could play over at his friends house who has the PS2..oh no that is PS3, man I have to take that back too, sorry.  So when they opened the PS3 they were totally surprised and I loveeeeee the expressions I got in the pic.

Josh I got a travel digital picture slide show frame so he can take us with him where ever he goes.  I reallylike it and may have to strongly hint for one for Mother's Day or my Birthday.  Josh couldn't wait till Christmas to give me my gift.  He got me a diamond journey pendant necklace.  I love showing it off where ever I go.. "look what I got from my hubby"  and I get lots of ohhs and awwsThe only reason I am not freaked out about it is because he promises he got it on sale at a good price.  My daughters crack me up, insisting that he get me the matching earrings to go with it (i didn't even know there were any).  I bet that is what I get next year.

Josh and I got a night out and had a nice time at his company's Christmas party.  Yummy food and they even gave the wives a $25 credit card gift card.. only bummer was I forgot mine at our table and didn't realize it till the next day. Darn, that was going to pay for my haircut.  Oh well.. someone got extra this year.

For New Year's I left Josh home with the kids and had a girls night out.  We went to a club where my friend knows the owner.  I was wayyyyy underdressed.. everyone was dressed to the nines and dancing.  I had fun spending time with my friends but it was not my scene and prob would of had just as good a time at home.  Another sign I am getting old.

Josh leaves today and I have hardly had any computer time!  Maybe if my work can give me a consistent schedule I can get home Internet back.  But as it is now I make just  enough to help cover the gas and buy some extra groceries.  I am happy though just to be able to help and get back to work and gain any kind of work experience for the resume.

Hope you all had a great Holiday and this year will bring many blessings your way.