Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Just a vent.. I should be off the rag in about a day

Ren & Stimpy: "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy"

So school is officially out for my kid-os! Oh JOY!! Now I have to figure out what to do with them on these approaching long hot summer days and nights.  Trips to the Library I am sure will be in order.  I will have to dust off my card and maybe even pay what ever fines I may have lol.  I asked the kids if the teachers gave them a suggested reading list for the summer.. nope.. geezz thanks.  Report cards are in the mail along with class assignments for next year.  Zane said he was guaranteed to be in the 5th grade E-Mints class since he was last year and when I asked Annie who she wanted for next year she said the one for the 3rd grade eMints (not sure she will get in, but it would be nice, it is supposed to be done by drawing.. ya right)  I also need to work more with Lilly since she is going into K.  We need to work on her writing her name and I should teach her our phone number at least lol but we hope to be moving soon so that may just confuse her.. I don't know.

The application for us to get into the Down Payment Grant was sent off as of last Friday!! With prospects of the classes that are required starting on the 9th.  One step closer into getting our own house.  Josh already wants me to start getting boxes and packing lol.  I really want to stay near where we live now so the kids wont have to change schools but if we move just a bit more west we can get more of a newer house for the same amount of money we would spend here.  I don't know.. I am just going to leave it up to God and praying he will direct us to where HE wants us to be.  I am sick of moving and want this to be our last one.. finally.

Zane and Annie have church camp a week from Saturday and the week after that Josh and Zane have Cub Scout camp for a week, so I have been trying to prepare for that. Both of them have grown like weeds since last summer and most of their summer cloths don't fit.  Especially Annie!  She is only 8 for crying out loud and it is almost time for her to be shopping in the Miss department.  She is already in training bras.. sigh.  And my son's feet are enormous!!  We went shoe shopping today for sandles but then I noticed how his tennies are falling apart.. literally.  He is now a 6 1/2 - 7.. and I couldn't find a 7 in the children's department so I am figuring it is about time for him to move up to the men's shoes sizes??  This is just crazy.. my babies are growing up on me!

Well at least the older ones can help clean the house now lol since they have nothing better to do tomorrow.  Oh and taking all 4 kids shopping really does suck!  Sophia has been sooooooooooooo whinny and demanding.. I have found my self become one of those moms that is tempted to slap her child in public.. but wont because of the security cameras.(you know I am kidding right?)  She wants to stay my baby but yet wants to help too.. she is stuck in between.  So when I treat her like my baby she gets pissed off and when I do let her help,.. well she just isn't ready to help that is all there is to it.  And guess who has to go grocery shopping tomorrow? YEP, me. 

I am ready for another girl's night out... or ANY night out for that matter.. and it is just the beginning of summer.

Monday, May 30, 2005

OH Baby!

Busy Holiday weekend.

I feel bad that I neglected to call my baby sister and wish her a happy birthday Friday!  LOL Mom reminded me, and I haddddd planned on sending her at least an e-card.. but I was going ohhh shoooot when she called me Sat asking if I was too busy to call her Friday. lol.  SO HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO MY LITTLE SISTER MARCY!!!!

Then we got a call from one of Josh's old friend from H.S. We talk about once or twice a year it seems.  He just had a baby with his girlfriend.. the baby was very early and weighed just over 3 pounds.  So ofcourse we made plans to go and visit him and his gf and hope to sneak a peek at baby after church.  And ya I think I did go a bit over board on gifts for the mom and baby lol I have never met the mom but I thought it would be fun to get her stuff to start scrap booking for the new baby pics that I am sure they are going to have a ton of.. and ofcourse I couldn't stop.. the discount isle at Wal-Mart had some great baby deals.  The girls were happy to help me pack the gift bag.

Zane stayed the night over a friends Sat and spent most of Sunday there.  We went to see the baby at the hospital.  When we had told the girls we had planned on seeing a new baby Sophia go SO excited.  She was the first one up Sunday, dressed and nudging us saying it is time to see the baby. LOL!!  She had a hard time sitting threw church she was so excited.  But ofcourse since the baby was in the NIC unit no one under 14 could go in to see her.  BUT I GOT TO!  They did have a window that the kids could look threw to see the preemie babies.. and they loved it!

All I can say is AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! So little and sooooo sweet!  (How can you work with all those babies every day Laura and not want to take them home lol?) She was under a heating lamp to help prevent jaundice but other than that very healthy. I did get to touch her, and Greg the daddy was so proud and already planning more lol (get married first please!)  I rubbed her little back that still had a bit of hair on it and could feel her tiny little ribs and touched her little fingers and toes.  She had a full head of dirty blond hair like her daddy too.  And the name.. Heaven spelled backwards.. Neveah.. lol. OHH if you thought I had a baby jones before.. a whole room full of them! I asked Josh later if seeing the baby made him yearn for another one.. even if just a bit.  He put his hand up and made the ok sign and said the space between his thumb and pointer finger.. so no not really.

I did have a twinge of sadness as I rubbed Neveah's little back and felt her little lungs breathing and felt her little bones threw her thin skin.  I had a pang of grief for the babies I knew that were killed today that would of been just about her size, instead of being born and allowed to live, being delivered to the shoulders and then violently having it's head crushed open and then having it's brains sucked out.  Although the partial birth abortion ban was signed it is not being upheld by the courts, many deeming it an unconstitutional ban.  I didn't want my joy and sorrow to be mixed and wanted to be so happy for our friend so I shoved those thoughts down and Spoke to Nevaen and told her what a blessing she is and Welcome to this life.

Getting to see a new baby was the highlight of my weekend for sure but we did have a nice Holiday BBQ with the inlaws and I got another call from my sis so my niece could sing me one of the songs she learned from school.

I hope everyone had a blessed weekend too and remembered why we celebrate and have remembrance for those who serve to keep us Free.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Sat 6

Time for Pat's Saturday Six.. whahoo.. he posted early lol.

1. What is the most inexpensive, non-valuable thing you tend to collect and hoard?  Why do you do it?
Hoard?? LOL I don't see myself as a hoarder.. I would like to think I could give away something if it was needed or asked. What do I collect? humm.. not a big collector of things I must confess.   but I always say feel free to snag them off my sites.

2. What is the highest price you've paid per gallon for gasoline where you live?  Do you use regular, mid-grade or premium? Yikes.. I confess.. I don't drive that much so when I gas up I really dont pay too much attention.. I think the most was $2.85 or something.. but we are down to $1.84 here.. I do remember when it was barely a dollar.  Regular, why pay more if you dont have to?

3. What is your favorite Bible verse and why?  If you don't have a verse from the Bible that holds meaning to you, what's your favorite saying and why?
There are many many many Bible Vers that hold much meaning for me. One that gives me great comfort is: John 19:30 When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost.

When he said it is Finished.. he meant just that.. I can not add to what he has done on the cross or take away from it... IT IS FINISHED!

4. What was your favorite movie from the 1970s?  When did you last view it?  Do you have it in your movie collection? I really couldn't tell you off the top of my head.  I am not much of a movie buff.

5. Do you weigh more, less, or the same as you did one year ago?  Six months ago?  Three months ago? Scales are banned from my house LOL.  I would like to think less then a year ago and even six months ago.. but maybe a tade more in the last 3 months.. I have not been as vigalant with my diet.

Jennie: What one lyric sums up your current love life?  Your view on life?  Your past?  Your hopes/dreams/fears?

Present Love Life:

One Hot Mamma

Jesus, Lover of my Soul. 

View on life:

Blessed Is He Who Fears the Lord, finds delight in his comands. 

My Past:

Can you give me a Remedy?(used to love the Black Crowes) 

Last Dance with Mary Jane.. One more time to Kill The Pain


I want to be in the light, as you are in the light..


I'll Fly Away..Oh Glory


What if I stumbe, what if I fall.

My story may be featured in a book(s)!

In the recent Silent No More news letter was the following:

Here are the latest requests we’ve gotten from people about being silent no more!

- I feel called to write a book about post-abortion healing that includes letters, poems, and
songs that mothers or fathers have written to their aborted children (or others that have
written to an aborted child).  First, to let people know the truth about abortion; secondly,
to share that there is hope for healing with God; and finally, to build a small
retreat designed specifically for people who are healing from the sorrow of abortion to be
called The Divine Mercy Retreat House.  I began this sacred book in May 2005.  If you would like to submit a letter/poem/song, please send it to:  sshorey_book@yahoo.com 
or call me at (828) 778-6005.  Blessings, Suzie

- I am seeking women who have had abortions and would be willing to complete a survey to describe the experience and the feelings and regret it produced. Such personal accounts
will be used in a book to educate others on the realities of abortion. Names will be kept confidential, unless otherwise desired. Please contact Stacie Booth at 
StacieBooth@satx.rr.com or call 830-964-3237. More information about the author at 

I replyed to both of the would be authors and have already heard back and am conversing with Stacie Booth.  I find this very exciting and a blessing to share my story.  I encourage all of you, weather you yourself are post abortive or KNOW some one who is and pass the info on to contact these authors to contribute.  Help me get the world out about these books in the making, please!  The world needs to hear and see how abortion is not helping women but hurting them.

Got this in a FWD today..

I AM A CHRISTIAN ~ By Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches !
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's good grace, somehow.

Share this with somebody who already has this understanding, as

But more importantly, share this with those who do not have
a clear understanding of what it means to be a Christian, so that
the myth that Christians think they are "perfect" or "better than others"
can be dispelled.


Thursday, May 26, 2005

Yeah! I'm Semi Famous and feeling blessed.

Thanks to Mark over at Music for giving me the heads up that my journal link (and Jamie's and Laura's!!)is on theAOL's People Connection Welcome screen... I guess I can't complain that I never get any press. And again thanks Mark! (don't say you never get pimmped lol)


The support group was very good.. I was very very blessed for going.  It was nice to fellowship with other women who know exactly what I have gone threw and are sharing in the healing process.  I did shed some tears.. but good ones.  Afterwards we went out to get coffee.. I don't drink coffee lol.. but since we are so chatty Starbucks was closed by the time we got there and we ended up going to a beer garden place and had coffee and soda there.  The two ladies I went with are so awesome and very active in the Pro-Life movment.. a good network of friends to have.  Plus it was nice to have an evening to just me, no kids or hubby.. somewhat girls night out.  We havn't worked out all the details about what we are going to do down at the Race From The Cure yet but it is in the works and I feel that it could turn out to be a very big thing.  Keeping it in prayer.  I still have to talk to Josh about it.. I think that is the week him and Zane are going away to Cub Scout Camp anyway but that still leaves me with the girls.

Something I may be doing...








I recived an e-mail with this pic from the ABC website from one of the ladies who I participated in Silent No More with last Feb. asking who would be interested in doing something like this at the Race For The Cure next month. 

If you missed my post about the link between Breast Cancer and Abortion and the foundation that puts on the Race For The Cure, check it out.

Ofcourse I said that sounds like something right up my alley.  I was invited tonight to go to a support group for post aborted women so we can talk and plan it more and am going to ride with her.  She did causion me that this was a Catholic support group (oh boy) and I may feel a bit uncomfortable.  I told her as long it is all about the Lord, and not teaching church doctirn I would be fine.  The way I see it I don't look at a person's church they attened or claim but see the fruit in thier life.. if we are all the body, we each have our own talents to be used, even those who are Catholic.  I do not have a problem with the people in the Catholic church, just the Catholic Church it's self.

So be praying for me tonight about this and about the plans that are being set.  The STL Race For The Cure is set for June 18th.. just a little over 2 weeks from now.

HEY GEORGE.. I believe in Absolutes.. does that make me a Sith??

Josh got off of work a bit early yesterday so he wanted to take me and the girls out to lunch or a movie.  He has been chomping at the bit to see the new Star Wars movie and figured it would be better to go during the day and see it to beat the crowds.  This was somewhat mean since Zane and Annie were still in school and they wanted to see it too.  We told them Josh would take them sometime later to go see it, just them.

It was a fun action packed movie and very interesting if you liked the past ones to find out exactly how Vedar/Annikin became so evil.  If you keep in mind it is JUST a story then you have no prob.. but some ppl take it to extremes and make it like their religion.  And we all know often Hollywood has an agenda in the stories they choose to weave and put out as entertainment.  They fancy themselves as being responsible for raising our conscious and hopefully influence our thinking on political and public issues.

I kind a kept that in mind when viewing this movie.  I literally threw popcorn at the screen when the good Jedi knight told the evil gone astray apprentice that only A Sith (the bad guys) believe in absolutes.  More propaganda for the "morality and truth is relevant" crowd and setting up the thinking that those who do believe in absolutes are evil.  Ofcourse this movie is dripping in false religion theology and cultism, so I shouldn't be surprised.

I could go on and on but I know many of you want to see the movie, so I won't add any spoilers.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


AIG is one of my fav sites.  I am on thier e-mail list but hardly ever buy the wonderful recources they have avalible because I am cheap and my husband hates me shopping online anyways.  But they have this incredible deal going on right now I HAD to take advanage!  If you don't mind having VHS instead of DVD and are looking for some educational stuff for you and your family I highly recomend you taking a look! (click link for warehouse discounted idems) I think it ends at the end of May.  Be sure to enter in MAYBLOWOUT code before checking out to get the discount on selected idems!

Look how much I saved!!

30-1-021 | Raising Godly Children in an Ungodly World|   $12.99 |   1 |   76.98% |    $2.99 |

30-1-053 | A is for Adam |    $9.99 |   1 |   70.07% |    $2.99 |

30-1-086 | Archaeology and the Bible (Video)|   $12.99 |   1|   69.28% |    $3.99 |

30-1-091 | Astronomy, the Bible, and the Big Bang (Video)|   $12.99 |   1 |   69.28% |    $3.99 |

30-1-004 | D Is for Dinosaur|    $9.99 |   1 |   80.08% | $1.99 |

30-1-134 | Inherently Wind: A Hollywood History of the Scopes Trial|    $8.99 |   1 |   66.74% |    $2.99 |

30-1-178 | Jesus in Genesis: The Messianic Prophecies|   $12.99 |   1 |   76.98% |    $2.99 |

31-1-001 | The Origin of Life Equipping Course |   $19.99 |   1 |    0.00% |   $19.99 | (This was not part of the sale but in with May Specials.. great for homeschooling)

freecassette| FREE audiocassette (title selected by AiG)|    $0.00 |   1 |    0.00% |    $0.00 |
20-5-008 free| FREE Desktop Dinosaurs—Screen-saver & more! CD-ROM|    $0.00 |   1 |    0.00% |    $0.00 |

Shipping: $8.38 (Shipping method: Standard - Continental US)
Subtotal: $50.30
Total Tax: $0.00
Grand Total: $50.30

When they come in and I have a chance to view them I will give my reviews.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Bless and you will be blessed..

I was trying to think of something to get or to do that would bless my son for being such a good friend to his classmates but I really was coming up short.  But God had a plan set all along to bless him even more abundantly then I could.   

Today one of Zane's friend's mom called me to ask if he could go along with them tonight to the Cardinals Baseball Game.  Her husband had been given some from a vender at his work and it was out of the blue but they had an extra one if Zane would like to come along. OFCOURSE I said YES.  And when I told Zane about it when he got home he was very excited.  So that is where my boy is at tonight.. all lathered up with sunscreen wearing a hat and decked out in red and glove in hand.. because don't you know MOM it may happen.. they do pop balls into the crowd sometimes.. as he was telling me lol.  

We have talked about going out to the game as a family but it can run very expensive and for me and the girls anyway I think it would be some what boring.  I know Zane will have a good time.  

Just goes to show you, God will bless you for doing the right thing, even if you don't expect anything in return, because I know he didn't think that when he gave his friend the money for the library book.



When Zane came home last night he was soooooooo excited and appreciative of us letting him go (he was supposed to be grounded.. but I had forgot lol he has never really been grounded before so it has been hard to remember to keep him to it)

I also hadn't realized how good of seats they had!! Ninth row behind the dugout!  Zane said,"Mom, remember when we went to the hockey game and how we sat wayy way way up there?  Well this would of been like sitting right behind the goalie net at the hockey game!!!" Thanks son for putting it in terms I could understand LOL.  He said you could see (insert name of one of the player's) clear as a bell as he swung.  There was alot of pop balls and you could see them go soooo high!! I asked who was (insert name of player) Ohhhh MOM! Don't you know.. he is like the best guy we have on OUR team this year!  At the end of the game his friend's dad took them down by the dug out and the team manager was throwing out game balls.  His friend caught one in his clove and Zane was so happy for his friend.. he didn't seem sore at all that he didn't catch one.  I hear there is pictures but since they took them on their dig camera I will have to ask her to e-mail them to me.  If there is any good ones I will post it later.  I think Zane is going to be an avid baseball fan now LOL.

Can't Imagin whereeeeeee He get's it from " )

This week's new journal song is dedicated to my son Zane, giving me hope that this generation is not totally lost.

I got a call from his teacher this morning before he left for school.  If you know me at all by now you know I hate or at least dread being called by the school.. because it is always for bad news.  But this morning was a nice surprise.  His teacher called because she just wanted me to be aware of Zane's selflessness and awesome act of generosity last week.  Apparently the deal was that if everyone was all squared away at the library.. all fines paid and books returned the class would get a popcorn party.  Ya, I remember that.. I had to shell out $10 for a book he lost.  Well, there was just one student who fell short and did not have the money to pay off his fines by Friday and Zane gave him the money so the whole class would not loose out on their party.  The teacher said this blew her away that he would do that and she just wanted me to know about it.  YEP.. that's my boy.  I had asked him where he got the money and he said he dug up all his change from his room to give to his friend.  (I know this friend and ya, his mom wouldn't of been able to give him any money for such things as a library fine) so this leads me to think this was premeditated and not just off the top of his head.

Also last week we got the martial sent from Duke's Talent Search program for him.  Josh wanted to know if it was ok to brag now that he has a gifted child since in the martial was a manual titled something along the lines "how to help your gifted child stay on track"  It sounds weird to call him gifted.. but lol I am not going to say he isn't.  I told Josh he could say that ya, but maybe not in front of the boy? Don't want him to get a fat head or worse feel too different from his peers and have him rebel against being smart.

One week of school to go! 

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Saturday 6

Here are Pat's six questions.. if you play besure to link in his comment section too.

1. What is the last product or service you tried just because you saw a commercial that impressed or amused you about the product?  Did you like the product or service after you tried it? I really try and not impulse buy.. I can't think of the last time a comercal had me excited enough to run out and get what ever. Thinking about getting that gel that is like nair but not for my hairylegs. I'll get back to you on that one lol.

2. How old is the oldest photograph in your home?  Are you in it? Pics of my dad and mom from when they were growing up and I also have thier engament photo.

3. What is the most supernatural event you have experienced?  Did you feel there was a specific reason that it happened to you? ohh many stories I could inject right here but that would be too long.  The last six years of my life are full of Supernatural experances or as I like to call them.. It's a God thing.  How about the time I was with Josh in the car and was praying about my friend quietly.. God was showing me there was a demon on her and telling me to cast it out before she left to go back home (she was visiting from out of town) I was freaked and didn't think I could do something like that.. i had never done stuff like that before or knew much about it.. but the second I said yes in prayer we got in a car accedent (confierming that something didn't like what I had agreeded to do).. the amazing thing was even though we were on the highway doing about 45-50 (morning rush hour) neither car had a scratch on it.  I think that happen to show me that Satan can not do anything to me when I am in God's will and being obedaint to him, that he is my protector and when I was telling my friend what had happen she took me serious.

4. Do you usually consider the glass half-empty or half-full? Why settle for half a glass?? My cup runth over!

5. What part or parts of your body do you shave regularly? My pits.  I have yet to do my legs from all the winter fuzz.  Guess it's about time huh?

6. What day is typically your busiest of the week?  What day are you usually the happiest?  What day are you usually the saddest? Every day is differnt being the CEO of this family.  My happiest days are when we get to spend family time all together and the saddest.. humm when some one who shall remain nameless, is PMSing and there is no chocolate in the house.

Some tid bits for the masses..

 You know what I find very annoying??? On the back of my credit card I have written CID.. meaning that the cashier is to ask me for my ID to make sure my card is  being used by ME and not some one else.  I picked that idea up from working as a cashier and listening to irrate ppl who found ME annoying for not asking for ID. I would say I get asked for it maybe 15% of the time.. sad.  It has come to the point where you don't even have to sign for your card at some gas stations if your transaction is under $25. And those electronic ATM/Debit/Credit boxes at the check out now where you electronically sign your name instead of the cashier giving you a receipt to sign also makes me wonder about how secure my Identity is. After watching this you should at least be more aware of how close we are to a cash less society or at the very least raise a warning bell...

Video@AOL : News : CNN : Swipe-less transactions

Just one more thing to make taking a chip implant more of a normal idea.  For many Christians we see this as conditioning the masses to take the Mark of the Beast.  

Revelation 13:16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: 17 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.  

Take this as your warning.. When the time comes it will be moving very fast and it will be marketed to be seen as a good thing for personal, national and world security.  They are already putting chips in new passports to be read by a machine and they want to do the same with a National ID Card system.  We are just one step away from having it put in a convenient place such as our right hand.  

And just one more informational link that will have you feeling like the Mel Gibson's charter in the movie Conspiracy Theory..a detailed page that is more of an e-book about Walt Disney and his part in the Illumnati.  A friend sent me this and it was kind of hard for me to swallow some of it but it does have me looking threw my children's movie collection and a vow that I will NEVER set foot Disney theme parks with my children.  Maybe it can convince some of you to take a trip instead to the Creation Museum when it opens in 2007?  At least that would be a good excuse for me to set foot in KY to see Jess and Lori

Friday, May 20, 2005

Why I came to Hate Jar Jar Binks

Weekend Assignment #60: Recount an interesting moment in your life that somehow involves Star Wars. It can be deeply tangential -- it doesn't have to have happened at a Star Wars movie, for example. But let's face it -- for the last 28 years Star Wars has been part of the common culture. Surely there's an interesting moment in your life in that time, in which Star Wars, its characters or its merchandise has been a part of it.



My son Zane at 6yrs old meets his new best friend Jar Jar Binks.  Innocent enough right? Very cute.. until he started talking like the stuiped thing!!  It didn't take long for the batteries to die

Extra Credit: Ewoks: Cute or Evil? Explain. 
 Evil disguised as cute maybe??

Also I did this little quizz.. I liked the first answer I got.. it said I was yoda but I can't seem to get back to that graphic..


Boxers or Briefs??

A question I really didn't need an answer for about Saddam Hussain!!!  But apernetly he wears tighty whities.  Thanks New York Post for such deep reporting!

I will just leave you the link to the pic..I had it up but I really don't want it in here.. just because of the ewwwww factor!

This was all over the FNC this morning and it is just grosss!!!  And how the Pentagon is all up in arms about it because who ever took them broke National Rule of Law of the Geniva Code.  Didn't the Post break the same by publishing?? Just your friendly media looking for more ways to get the rest of the world pissed off at us. Am I the only one who thinks this looks like a tabloid cover??

Thursday, May 19, 2005

J~Land Bible Believer's Questionair..

One of my newier friends put this quiz out to those who are Bible Believer's, just so we could get to know each other better.  So if you want, answer in your Journal but leave a link so I can read it!! LOL

The color of my Bible is~   Purple

The Bible version I carry around is~NIV (The Mother's Devotional Bible) But on the computer I use the KJV.. and yes I know all the arguments about the NIV.. I like to use both but I agree that some of the NIV is not very good and it would be nice if at church everyone would use the same translation but everyone has their own that they like to use for personal study and then one for quoting lol.

I became interested in God at age~ hard to say when I first started seeking him.. I know we went to church on and off again as a kid and I loved going threw the confirmation classes threw the Episcopal church.

 I gave my life to the Lord at age~  23 ( I am sure I had said the prayer of salvation before then but that was when I really started to follow him and seek after him.. and KNOW HIM)

 Answer Yes or No Have you ever "backslid"?  Have you backslid more than once? Are you backsliding now? (If you don't know the answer to this question skip)   Well, that term indicates that you have gone back in your walk.. you have not gone forward and made progress.. and some teach if you are in that state you are not saved, but I think we  are a work in progress and we are redeemed even if we not come into full maturity yet.  Have I ever gone back to old sins, old habits?? Yes, but that scripture about a dog going back to lap up his vomit is very true, and it is the worst feeling in the world knowing you are out of God's will for your life and are not being obedient to him.. I don't recommend it at all.  I think the better question would be am I walking in the flesh or the spirit.. and I would say that is a day to day struggle..

What "Christian/Judeo lingo" did you pick up after becoming a Christian/Jew/Messianic  that you use that most people outside the church don't understand? Good question!  Maybe some of my non Christian friends can tell me if some of the things I am saying sounds like greek?? LOL I try and not speak Christianisse too much and really even in Christian circles one term could mean one thing and another to some one else.  But maybe what I have picked up most is.. The Word, Saved, Born Again, Redeemed, TRUTH, Rapture, End Times, Walking in the Flesh or Spirit.

Have you ever been involved with a cult or sect that you came out of and realize taught error?  If so, make a list.  THANKFULY NO!  The Lord was so good to me to lead me to a place where Truth is taught.  I am still at the same church I was saved in.  My inlaws go to a Unity Church.. and we almost joined there.. but that was when we were in the mind set that oh church is good for children.. but after going there for an Easter Service.. I just knew something was not right about them, but couldn't at the time pin it down.

Which denominations have you been involved with? Growing up it was the Episcopal Church mostly.  The church I go to now is two churches that have joined together and became one.  My side was nondenominational (and I still think of myself as such) and the other side was Church Of God Of Prophecy denomination.

Which denomination are most of your friends from?  Really I have friends from all spectrums of the scale, and I don't even like to look at what denomination some one is (but sometimes it helps when understanding them), just know by their fruits if they are my Brother or Sister in Christ.  I don't like the labels of denominations.. hello.. if you are a believer and a follower in Jesus.. you are a Christian.  So when ppl ask me what I am.. I just say a Bible Believe'n, Spirit filled, Christian.  I honestly think some time soon we are just going to be glad to be around other believers, and denominations is really not going to be such an issue.

Were you ever persecuted for your FAITH?  If so how?  (Give short edited version)   Not any real persecution (not yet).  WE are very blessed to live in America but I do for see a time that it will happen.

Did you ever throw out, burn or tear up anything after you came to the Lord?  If so, what was it?  (You don't have to tell us if you don't want to) : )  I can look back and chuckle at it now but at the time I really wanted my whole life to reflect my walk and I wanted to purge myself of ungodly things, it wasn't so much a conscious thing.. but a natural desire to do so.. I took off my class ring because it had my zodiac sign on it, I refused a gift of a t-shirt from a friend because it had the yin and yan on it, I got rid of alllllll my Stephen King and Ann Rice books (mom was kinda pissed because most of the Stephen King books were hers lol)  All the Pokie'mon things my kids had gotten into, some of the cds we had, smudge stick we used to use to "purify" our apartment, dream catchers, crystals..  YOU just don't realize how much JUNK you have in your life until you come into TRUTH!

Has anyone ever told you what spiritual gifts you have?  If so, what did they tell you?  (Don't list what you think you have)  Do you think they were right?  I have been told maybe the gift of healing..but I would have to step out and test that, wisdom and discernment (sometimes I wonder about that lol) gift of service to others and more recently the gift of hospitality

What is your "life's verse", the Bible verse you think defines the course of your life?   Ohhh there are so many I cling to depending on the situation.  I have scriptures printed out and taped all over the house LOL Philipians 4: 8 comes to mind and Isaiah 61: 1-3

Isaiah 61:1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD [is] upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to [them that are] bound;

2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.

What is your favorite book of the Bible?   Mathew, a very good book to study and come to know the basics about salvation and getting to know who Jesus is and also chapter 24/25 for the EndTimes

Who is your favorite Bible character?  and  Whose your second favorite? Ofcourse Jesus (is He considered a character?) But the one I identify the most with is the beggar at the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was healed.  I have many reasons for this and especially if you read my Remembrance page you can understand.  More recently I had a word spoken over me that I was like the temple gate Beautiful, where the beggars can come to and be filled and healed (filled with the saving Knowledge of Jesus Christ, is what I took from that, a gateway to let  ppl come to me with their questions and prayer requests and for me to lead them to Christ, who is the one who will heal them of their hurts, this is a post in of it's self because after hearing that I did a big long search to find out more about the gate called Beautiful and found out some really neat things.. for one that is the gate Jesus went threw on the donkey when he entered Jerusalem  when the ppl declared Hosanna in the Highest and Hallelujah and Jesus is going to enter threw when he returns.. so also part of my ministry is the EndTimes message) 

Do you have any interesting Christian books other than the Bible that you'd highly recommend?   I am very cautious in what books I read now, even ones that claim to be a Christian book.  I rather ppl go right to the source then an interpretation of what the Bible says and ask the Holy Spirit to help them in understanding.  But a good book that is not about doctrine but an uplifting one about how the Lord works in ppl lives is called, Let's Roll, The Tod Beamer Story.  You may recognize that name from 9-11, he was on the plane that crashed into the field instead of heading into Washington as planned by the terrorists.  It is written by his wife from  her point of view.

Are you Pre, Post, or Mid Trib?  Or are you Preterist? (Meaning it already happened).  Did I leave out a possibility?   I guess to best describe what I believe on the Rapture is categorized as Mid Trib or Mid-Tribulation.. but that is not exactly correct.  I know that many ppl confuse Tribulation and The Wrath Of God to be the same things.. and they are not.  And I don't think the Great Tribulation is going to last 7  years like some do but more like 3 1/2 with the Beast in power and then we are raptured or caught away, and THEN the wrath is being poured out on the earth. 

Do you think there's one, two or no rapture coming?   If God could do anything for you in the end times that would be your biggest wish, what would it be?   One rapture, or catching away, but two resurrections.. First one is at the Rapture, when those dead in Christ will raise first and then we will be caught in the air to meet Christ and the second is at the Judgment Thorn.. where those dead with out Christ face him.  My biggest prayer is that he prepares me to be his bride, with out spot or wrinkle, that he gives me his strength when I face the deep persecution coming and that he uses me to open other's eyes.

Have you ever seen an angel or demon?    In dreams and visions but not in my waking life, but I have felt them.

What is the bravest thing God ever helped you do as a Christian?  Up to this point, because I know he has so much more in store for me and my life, I would say the words to speak to the media when my niece was kidnapped, giving me that Peace that she would be found and speak clearly that my hope for that was because of HIM, and then the healing process it took for me to face my abortion and speak out to others about it and get INVOLVED in stopping other women from making this mistake. 

How long do you think before the end comes?  Meaning the fulfillment of Matthew Chapter 24?  Just your best guess.  We aren't being prophetic here...  I WANT it to be really soon.. like I had said to some one.. get on with it all ready.. like pulling off a band aid real fast LOL and I don't like to put numbers or dates on it because he said not even He knew the exact day or time.. but he did give us things to watch for and we would know the season when it comes... and I think we are living in that season now.. So for sure my lifetime.. maybe in the next ten years, depending on World Events and how fast they come about.. keep watching Israel and for a 7 year peace treaty with MANY nations and being blessed by the Pope and the building of the Temple.. that is a major thing that HAS to happen first.

Why do we never hear about these votes that are coming up in the Media??

Calling on you all to make your voice heard AGAIN!

May 19, 2005

Dear Mary:


The House of Representatives will soon vote on HR 810, which would overturn the Bush administration’s policy of limiting federal funding on embryonic stem cells.  Reps. Mike Castle, a Delaware Republican, and Diane DeGette, a Colorado Democrat have sponsored this legislation, HR 810, that would reverse Bush's limits and authorize federally funded research killing human embryos for stem cells.


We urgently need your help to contact your Congressman.  Ask them to reject bill HR 810 that would use your tax dollars to fund embryonic stem cell research and kill tens of thousands of human embryos. Click here for easy contact information. 


PLEASE forward this link to any and all pro-lifers.  It is URGENT that you do so TODAY!


Future generations of unborn children depend upon what we do in the days to come. 


Sincerely for the babies,

Brad Mattes

Executive Director

Life Issues Institute



I don't know about you.. but I dont want any of my tax money going towards the destruction of innocent life.. even in the name of health care and research!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

A quiz that has been going around..

I have big Probs with this quiz.. and yes I know it is just supposed to be for fun and taken lightly.. but seriously you know I have strong opinions about these things

(don't know why the graphic isn't showing.. I did the htlm right!)

Your Deadly Sins Envy: 0% Gluttony: 0% Greed: 0% Lust: 0% Pride: 0% Sloth: 0% Wrath: 0% Chance You'll Go to Hell: 0% You will die at the hands of a jealous lover. How ironic. How Sinful Are You?  

I knew how to take the quiz so all the answers would equal 0%.. so this is not all that accurate.. except the one for chances of going to HELL.  First of all.. ALLLLLLLL SIN IS SIN.. God doesn't see any sin as greater or lesser then another.. he sees sin all the same. All Sin is a deadly sin! So don't go patting yourself on the back if you scored less on one and just a bit more one something that doesn't seem so bad.  It is all the same to him.  WE all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.. so don't be thinking you are a good person and that gets you into Heaven.  We allll deserve Hell because of our sins and unless you have Repented of those sins, Confessed and following Jesus CHrist your %  should read for going to Hell is 100%!

My beef with these types of little quizes is it gives ppl a false idea about God and sin and earing your way into heaven.  You can not earn your way into heaven by good deeds or penance for your sins.  The price for your sins have been paid.. IN FULL.. And covered by the blood of Jesus if you recive that gift of what Jesus did on the cross,but if you choose to reject him you choose to go to Hell.

John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

Hebrews 9:27 And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment    

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God

What a differnace a day makes.. and really great sex : )

Good to know if I can't be the World's Greatest Mother I can still be the World's Greatest Lover


Nice when your hubby says we are not the norm.. as where everyone else he knows says thier sex life after marriage got worse... ours only increasingly gets better...I could go into more detail.. but then I would for sure be TOS

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

NOOO she was NOT trying to be like Brittany Spears!

  I just feel terrible.. and likely just as embarrassed as my daughter.  

This morning Annie wanted to wear a dress to school.  May it be noted I am not a very good morning person and am half awake.. but normally I do make sure the kid's clothes match, since they are at the age where they dress themselves. I dooooo remember stressing the importance of wearing underwear, especially when wearing a dress.  

Annie comes home all happy go lucky and says nothing to me about anything that has happen at school.  She asked if she could call a friend to see if she could go over and play.  I let her but make sure I talk with the mom.. you know how kids say sure but the mom may have other plans.  So talking with the mom she tells me that her daughter told her how Annie had a bad day at school today..I am like.. huh.. what?? No tell me, I didn't hear about anything.  So she goes on to tell me how in P.E. today Annie tripped and was wearing a dress.. and apparently forgot to put underwear on and the kids saw her privates and teased her.  She was sent to the nurse and they gave her a pair to put on. 

   Can you imagine my horror and embarrassment of having to hear this form another mother, and not my own daughter much less the school!!!!  I told her I am surprised that Annie didn't talk to me, maybe she thought she would be in trouble? I was even more surprised that I didn't hear from the nurse at school.  And worst I am worrying how I look to everyone.. the failer of a mother they must be thinking I am.  

So I took my daughter aside in my bedroom so it would be private and ask her to tell me what happen today at school.  It was like pulling teeth to get her to talk.  I promised her I would not be mad.. I just want her to know she can feel safe to tell me stuff, even if she thinks I may not like it. So she finally tells me and how her friends stuck up for her when the other kids were teasing her.  I told her those are good friends she has.  I told her that maybe she will listen to me when I tell her about things now and save herself from these embarrassments.  I asked WHY she didn't wear any.. she said she couldn't find any and that she was in a hurry.. she didn't want to miss the bus like yesterday.  I told her she should of told me she couldn't find any.. I just did laundry and had somedownstairs.  So we hug and all is right again and I am praying the next time she herself will talk to me instead of letting me hear it from other sources.  

So we get out into the living room.. Josh has been half a sleep on the couch since he got home and says to Annie that the nurse called him today at work and told him what happen.  Annie is embarrassed all over again and says Oh I thought she called Mom.  He said no, mom wasn't home so she called me on my cell. (she must of called when I was at the store and really let Josh have it)  I chimed in that Annie and I just had a talk about it all and to drop it.  He said fine, it wasn't her fault anyway and dozes back to sleep. YEP!!! The jury is in.. I am a sucky mom who let's her kids go to school half naked!  

Days like these I really have to fight the urge to pick up the pipe and take a big hit of weed or down a bottle of wine.  AND I HAVN 'T.. NOR WILL I.. just saying those old habits would like to come back and dabble with my life now and then.. but I fight it.

Was just flirting with the idea...

Recently one of the journals I read decided to have a second, more personal journal in private.  She felt that maybe some of her venting about family life would not be a good witness and defeat what she was trying to do with her public journal, plus she has a real privacy issue (understandable).  Then one of the ladies from church read my journal (after I had given her the link to the breast cancer post) and read my rant about friendships and I know she is very sensitive and may of felt it was about all the women in my life including her.  She e-mailed me and said we should make more of an effort to do things together.  That was nice and great and made me happy but I don't know, I wasn't directing my vent at her and I feel like maybe I hurt her in some way.  That is not my intention at all.  I normally do not have a lot of ppl who know me off line read my journal (or if they do they are quiet lurkers, tisk tisk) so I have had the feeling of freedom to write what every comes to mind with little consequences and yet I WANT ppl to read my blog, because sometimes I can write what I am thinking much better then saying it out loud.  Also my husband has asked that I keep some restrictions in my writing about his work life and the things he brings home and talks about not be put in here.  And yes that is understandable but a bit frustrating when what happens to him does effect me and I can't talk about it.

So I am flirting with the idea of having a private journal.  A place to keep the things that may not be appropriate in this one but things I want to write about to get off my chest. Then the whole thing about who would I invite to read it or not read it or should I just leave it for me and what not comes up.  I have kind of been proud of the fact that my journal is public and ppl can see me live out my life in Christ, what a great witness I thought.  But as we all know I am not perfect, so my walk is not always perfect.  Some think that will effect how others see Christ, while I think all the more reason to let them see the good and the bad, so they know he is with me threw it all. 

If you go back to some of my org. entries you will read why I started this one and the feeling of taking back the freedom and control to write my private thoughts.  I thought if it was public no one could use it against me and hurt me, unlike what happen with my diary growing up.  Thus it is called HUNYBEA'S OPEN JOURNAL! lol  So I am wondering if I do have a private journal will I still be true to myself?  Would I feel like maybe I should change the fabulous title on this one?  And as scatterbrained as I am, can I keep up with two journals??  If you notice my journal jar entries are not very often lol. I deleted awhile ago the journal I had kept that was my more creative writing one, exploring more of the darker themes. It was just not fun and not honest or it got toooo honest and I didn't want anyone to read between the lines.

I guess I just need to really examine what I am trying to say and do with this public one and if my real private thoughts and rants will fit in with it.  I have a feeling that more ppl I know offline will start to come here. The new church directory is coming out soon and I put my blog address with our personal info.  Ya, I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing either LOL but I can't take it back.

Monday, May 16, 2005

More fiction from Me..

I could not turn the story off in my head that I had started for the contest.  I had to answer the question of why an aardvark and what did happen to her eye!! It has been awhile since I sat down to write fiction, and I have yet to finish my other book (I get eye rolls every time I try from hubby).  I am kind of skittish to post the continuation here because it really does not fit with my normal life witting.  But if every one keeps in mind this was just for fun and totally fiction I think it will be ok..  It is not too too racy so I don't think I will get a TOS lol.  Enjoy and let me hear your criticism.  

Why an aardvark? My roommate wondered when I told her what I had set out to find that day.  I couldn't go into all the details with her or even give her a clue.  It was a private symbol between me and Kelly.  Kelly was my first love and it is still bitter sweet to think of him.  He was the son of papa's favorite and most trusted worker Jack Siparow. Kelly would often come to the ranch to learn the trade from his father.  We didn't got along very well until the summer of my 16th year.  By then he grew out of the prankster boy and into a wounded young man. He was 19, tall, tan and strong like papa from working the land. I first noticed him and the change in my feelings stirring for him when I was out ridding my beloved horse.  Although I lived on the ranch my father was determined I would be a lady and sheltered me from the hard work involved with running the family ranch.  The only time I was close to knowing what papa's work life was like was when he allowed me to ride.  

I remember the field of wild flowers and tall grass with the lone weeping willow tree, where Kelly and I first made love.  It was not soft and gentle and as romantic as all those books I had read made it out to be.  When Kelly had taken me it was rough and forceful and quick with no pleaser in it for me. A dark side of him had come out that I had never seen before and should of been a warning to me of what was to come but I was too nieve to know better then. When it was over it was like a part of me had broken along with the cherry he had taken. I zoned him out and started to noticing the smallest of details as he got dressed and put his boots back on.  That was when I saw the brown mound close by and the little insects scurrying about it going in and out.  I felt small in that moment like those ants.  And as if he could read my mind or had followed my gaze to the anthill, Kelly stepped maliciously on the hill, stamping it flat and closing the hole.  When he had done that a tear slipped down my cheek.  Inside of me it was a piece of my soul he was stomping on.  

Although our first love making experience was horrible for me, in time he started to soften and show me the affection that made it more enjoyable.  Why I kept letting him lead me away would be a good question but I can only figure that I wanted to grow up and have a connection with him. Looking back it may not of been love, but it was more than just lust. Our physical attraction was not all we had and we would have long interesting talks about life as we laid in each other's arms. It was during one of these talks that I brought up feeling like an ant and how horrified I was over him snuffing out the anthill that day.  Kelly made light of it and turned it into a joke.  He said if I was an ant that would make him an ant eater.  He did make me giggle over that innuendo and it became our own private inside joke.  It was a few weeks later when come to work with his sleeves rolled up showing off a fresh tattoo of an old cartoon blue aardvark.  

At first I was so flattered by the tattoo. I saw it as a permeate token and reminder of his love for me but in time I became to see what it really meant.  A symbol of a hunter who was bigger and more powerful then it's pray and after all I would always be the small ant in Kelly's mind eye.  I would elaborate more but I think it will take many more therapy sessions before I can come to that point.    I thought coming to the city would make me the powerful one, that I would become bigger than that small ant and in turn become the aardvark.  That is why I so desperately wanted one for my loft and as a reminder to stay strong, as misguided as that sounds now. I took finding one in that warehouse of needful things as good fortune and a sign that, to quote Mary Tyler Moore, "I'm going to make it after all".  I remember thinking I would give just about anything to possess it.  After all that has happen I have learned to guard my thoughts andlongings more carefully, even from my self.   

The cashier must of thought I was a nut job for almost drooling as I paid for the little aardvark statue.  I could tell in her eyes that she thought he was ugly and happy to have it out of her possession. I thought maybe since I had been touched on the street by that strange lady some of her power had transferred to me and I could read the thoughts of this cashier as we made our transaction. But it was again more of my imagination set to work by the books I had been reading.  She made a side remark that the owner will be sad to see "fluffy" go because he was such a good conversation piece and, "I hope he serves you well".  As I left the boutique of strange goods I could of sworn I heard evil laughter over the chimes of the door.  But I shook it off as I clutched my aardvark and made my way back home, retracing my steps threw the concrete jungle.  

I was lost in exhilaration and the planning of where to put my prize. I was making confidant steps threw the ghetto.  I was thinking my desk was not a special enough place for him. I was flirting with the idea of having a cabinet made just to house him. I did not want dust to corrupt him. My roommate, who like me was looking to escape from a past life had an amazing boyfriend who was an accomplished wood worker. I was musing over how to offer him a trade for my imagined cabinet. It seemed out of no where when the first blow hit me on the back of my head.  My world started to spin but I fought off my attacker and kept a firm grip on "fluffy"  I never did see his face but I will always remember his voice telling me to drop it or I would be in for a beat down.  I was horrified in that moment, a nightmare coming true but I was determined not to loose what I had spent all day looking for.  May attacker pinned me down and had his hands on my face.  That was when I felt the sharp force of what the police told me later to be an ice pick.  The pain is still with me today and I am try to shake the memory of the popping noises of my  left eye coming out of it's socket and being ripped away from my body. I was going into shock and seeing all red from the blood but I still held a firm grip to the aardvark.   

When I woke up in the hospital I could not see but I insisted that they bring memy statue to hold on to, to help me feel safe and in control.....  

They have yet to catch the beast who took my eye.  

Sunday, May 15, 2005

May Essay Contest

Judith is the master of this challenge.  Each month she comes up with a contest in writing and the winner gains a prize of her artwork.  This month she compiled a list of  words for us to use in our essay. Reminds me of Pat's Weird Word of the Week.  There are 33 words but we are only required to use 3.  For the list click the link.. and hey! Write your own essay!!

Please note this is all fiction and only me stretching my creative writing skills. But I must admit.. it would make for an intresting book lol maybe for this Nov.. NaNoWriMo?

The Loft, part 2

The hunter becomes the hunted.  

 I ventured out my downtown loft on a bright sunny Saturday afternoon on the arduous task of finding an aardvark figure for my desk. I knew the search would be almost impossible but I wanted something to place in my line of sight for everyday viewing, as a reminder of where I came from and where I was going. My eyes adjusted as I left the abyss of my new dwelling and the smells and sounds of the city hit me like a sperm to an egg forming life, fertilization of the new me. I had been held up in there for what seemed like days of unpacking and sorting and hanging and cleaning.  If I had known breaking away from my old country girl life and becoming a neophyte to city living was going to be so much work I would of thought the idea not feasible. Sure my momma and papa had tried to warn me of the evils of this place but I assumed they were being bombastic in their description. When I first came to my loft I thought of myself as fortuitous and it seemed like it was more of a palatial then the rat hole it really is.  

My feet hit the pavement and I insisted to myself that I would listen to the new age books I had been pouring over and concede that such a thing as planets and stars being ascendant existed and today was going to be my day. I was unaccustomed at the time to taking such risks as walking threw the not so pleasant neighborhoods of downtown but I knew if I was to prove myself right and survive here I had to learn the ropes and find my way around the famed Devil's Play Ground.  The shy quiet rancher's daughter was starting to die away with each step. I ignored the old women who had a suspicious knowing titter as I walked past and like a native I shouted "What You Looking At!?" to the teenage boy adorned in gold chains ogling me with his shifty eyes.  I noted each landmark I passed as so I would be able to find my way back to my new home. I turned the corner and made it to Market Street where the sellers of fruit divine set up their shops.  I past threw the fresh aromas of orange, pineapples, kumquats, rutabaga and mangoes mixed with the exhaust of the passing traffic.  

As I walked threw the crowds of pedestrians I felt slightly claustrophobic. Everyone felt too close to my personal space and all their faces looked hard and cold. A part of me started to cry out for the wide open spaces of home but I fought the fear down. I was not going to allow this city the pleaser of it's mastication . I was not going to be chewed up and spit out and sent back to the ranch a mush of a women. So I pressed on to the next street lined with racks and tables of black market wears and goods. I kept my eyes wide open as I scanned the make shift flea market for the item I was seeking.

I giggled and shook my head with disbelief as I spied a table holding an old beat up bassoon.  I could not imagine anyone wanting to pay good money for such and it seemed to me a better place for the wreaked instrument would of been a dumpster.  I paused at a counter full of dusty books. I picked up a heavy dirty brown one with its leather binding about to bust open. On the inside cover it boasted to be the complete  adoxography of all the Queen's horses. A pang of guilt welt up as I thought of my Butter Cup and her soft yellow mane and how it was likely almost time for her first birthing pains.  I put the cursed book down and shook off again my anxiety and shame for abandoning my old life.  I took deep cleansing breaths as I continued my walk passing used VCRs and TVs.

As I gazed at my surroundings it became apparent to me that only if it was serendipitous would I find the figure that I had placed such a strong connotation on.  The barbarous thought came to me that I would be better off just getting the image tattooed on my arm, matching my exlover's.  As I examined that idea I knew that it would not line up with my new life and to do so would be fallacious to myself.  I let out an heavy sigh and brushed past an almond colored beauty.  She stopped and turned to me and like an oracle this stranger told me my thoughts.  "Do not give up", she insisted to me. And with a curious expression she said , "the Pink Panther's nemesis is just around the corner. You will find the blue ant eater in a spot you would not think to seek."  Then she left just as she came.  Yes I know this sounds farcical but it is the truth and what she told me spurred me on that day.

 Around the corner I almost ran but instead fought my feet to make a steady stride. I almost passed the odd looking shop but it caught my eye by it's neon sign. My heart was racing and my mind was bursting with expectation of what I would see as I entered the haberdashery. And there in plain sight amidst the trinkets and bobbles and neckerchiefs..sticking out ontop of a worn out cart, a perfect six inch statue of the aardvark!!  

I had found my prize!  Too bad it would coast me one of my eyes.


If you would like to read more of this story go to the next post.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

How to kill the MOOD..

(I just know I am going to be dead meat for posting this lol)


Lastnight Hubby and I were sitting on the couch after the kid-os went to bed, watching the end of Honeymoon In Vegas.  He gave me those come over here eyes and patted the couch next to him.  Snuggle time.  So we are sitting there loving on each other with the t.v as back ground noise.  I am not paying attention to it when a comercial for birthcontrol comes on.  Hubby says with out thinking.. Arn't you glad you don't have to worry about that anymore?"

He didn't mean any harm with this remark but I gave him the honest answer.  I found myself saying, I am glad I don't have to think about pills or patches but I am sad that knowing what I know know about the pill and some birthcontrol that they sometimes kill a firtulized egg, so I would prboly not be taking them if you were not fixed. And I would likely be preggers.  But since that wont happen I wonder sometimes what is the point in having sex if it is not going to lead to what it was intended for by God.

OUCH! that kinda flew out of my mouth with out thinking.. and yep.. killed the mood.

I try and not hold on to the regret that we will not have anymore children but sometimes it creeps up on me.  Some think that makes me a wack job because we do already have 4 children.  Some think more than one or two childen is all ready too many lol.  But I think children are a blessing and should be welcomed.  See what happens when you go outside God's plan for your life?

No worries.. we recaptured the mood later

It's Saturday Six time again!

Link back to Pat's Journal where the questions are from.  Leave your answer link in the comment section.

1. How many scars do you have on your body?  Where are they? I never really counted.  I have some small ones. The major ones are.. my left anckle, I got it from a burn when I was in Jr High, I was sitting on a bf mopad and put my leg stupidly on the exahust pipe (ouch) I have a few on my hands from doing the earaser game in school.. you know the wimp test? I have a scar in the shap of a smilie face on my left arm from burning it in with a lighter (early form of branding lol)

2. What is the last junk food you ate in such large quantity that you actually felt guilty afterwards? About once a month I pig out on Mounds candy bars.

3. What is the closest spot to your home where you go when you feel like you need an afternoon escape? The wineries.  Good place for a picknick.

4. Of those in your collection, what movie have you watched the most times? WE don't buy very often and once we do it seems we watch it once and then forget about it.  But any of the Dora Cartoons we have I am sure are the most watched around here.

5. Have you ever felt discriminated against?  What about you do you believe led to the discrimination? YA!!! the editors weekly picks.. because I am an outspoken Christian Journal.  JK. I was being considered once for the week of Easter.. but they decided to go a differnt direction with the theme of the week.

6. RAPID FIRE QUESTION #3:  Have you ever hired a:
    a. Maid No.. but I have been a maid.
    b. Lawyer Yes
    c. Chauffer No
    d. Plumber No but our landlord has
    e. Photographer Yes
    f. Realtor No not yet. but soon I hope
    g. Gardener No
    h. Personal Trainer NO
    i. Psychic/Spirtual Advisor I had a paid reading done once, does that count?  And that was before I knew better.
    j. Mortician Nope

Friday, May 13, 2005

I don't care if it is Friday the 13th! I will still be Blessed...

Well.. I was half way threw detailing how I finally got my credit reports and (IT WAS A BIG PAIN IN THE BUTT) the hows and why and how I finally got my printer fixed so I could print it and then fax it to the Grant Lady... but then my connection was lost.. and I have spent the last 45 min. monkey around with my DSL and all that. 

Ever have one of those days where everything that could go wrong with what you wanted to do on your computer did?  It doesn't matter that today is supposed to be an unlucky day, this would of likely happen if it was any other day.. and I am blessed no matter what my situation may be.

Longggggggggggg story short... I can't figure out how to get my stuff scanned into the computer (where my fax is) so I can fax the 12 pages or so of info to just one file, so I don't have to keep faxing it as one page at a time.  And I refuse to go somewhere that is going to charge me by the page to fax it.

I called the Grant Lady (who I have been trying to get a hold of all week) to see if I could just e-mail it or snail mail it only to come to find out she has been out of her office all week on sick leave and won't be back until Monday. 

Feel like I am going in circles here and time is starting to run up on us since we wanted to be in a house by the end of summer and not have his mom move in with us at this smaller place.  It is looking like she will have to make due here until we find a bigger place, or we take that one house we saw for rent (really high rent but big enough) until we can get into a house to buy.  I just talked to MIL and she is not coming into town after all this weekend.  And Josh is still working overtime this weekend, so I guess it works out in a way.  Guess it is a good thing no one wanted to go with me to the Friendship Day event at church.. I wouldn't of been able to go any way.

I did talk with one of my friends from church earlier this week about us starting our prayer group back up.  We used to meet once a week at church  with a few other members to pray over all the needs and it was awesome and also a great time of fellowship.   But when the merger started it was stopped and they started having intercessory prayer half an hour before Sunday service.  We are always running late on Sundays and get to church just as service starts and I miss it, so I really have been longing to get back into it.  My friend and I decided to have one, even if it was going to be just her and I, Friday evening and meet at church. 

I guess it is Friday already huh? lol I better call her and make sure it is still on and tell Josh because I forgot to tell him that was something I was going to do

At my wits end.. It is about like a scene from that movie Mommy Dearest

5yrd little girl.. refuses to eat any form of veggie or fruit.. a battle of wills ensues and guess who wins..


Lilly is so small for her age and we are worried that she is not getting the nutrition she needs because of her picky eating habits.  I have tried everything.. from trying to let her help pick out what we are going to eat at the store, to just letting her get by on a daily vitamin.  I have read some where and it always stuck with me that toddlers that are trying to assert their independence and own control over their lives will do so over their eating habits because they perceive that is the only thing they have any control of in their life.  So I have let it go and not been one of those mom that says you will sit there till  you eat at least 5 bites (as my mom did).  But it has come to the point where she will not even try to taste something she thinks she doesn't like.  Last night I made hamburgers and winter blend of cooked veggies.  Just so happen Daddy is fed up with the way she has been acting towards her food and decided it was time to battle it out with her and ofcourse expects me to back him up.  JUST ONE BITE is all we wanted.  She refused to even put it in her mouth and did her patented mouth closed tighter than a bear trap act.  Hubby doesn't seem to think we should let the kids have a say about what they eat, that they should be happy with what ever we serve them and this picky eating thing has gone on long enough... I agree but it is just sooooooooo hard.

She would rather take a spanking or go to bed hungry then eat what was given her.  She has it in her head, and probably rightly so, that if she holds out long enough no matter what she will get her way and not have to eat the thing she is rejecting.  Ofcourse, it has worked in the past, why wouldn't it work now, I can see her little mind working and remembering that is just how I used to be.  Josh insisted she sit at the table until she either ate her veggies or fell asleep there and if she did fall asleep there the veggies should be sitting there waiting for her in the morning.

Like I said it was like out of a scene from that movie.. only this time it wasn't a blood almost raw stake but perfectly fine cooked mixed veggies.  And like that movie the suborn, but justified little girl.. won out.

I didn't have the heart to let her sleep at the table as my husband wanted and after he went to bed and she was about to fall out I told her to get up and go to bed herself.  I did put the veggies away and am planning on trying to get her to eat them at lunch time (maybe adding cheese to them) so I can say I tried again to get her to eat them.

I am worried over my Little Bea.  I want her to form healthy eating habits and not have an eating distorter.  Her doctor said she is fine and to just keep trying to give her foods even if she has rejected them, just keep introducing them to her and it is ok to give her a vitamin.  But I don't want her to grow up with weird ideas about food and also that a pill is the answer to any problems she may have.

This just sucks.  She is unique because all my other children eat what is given them except for maybe Annie who doesn't like sour cream or whipped cream in any form.  Sophia was so sweet as she tried to encourage her big sister Lilly last night, "Lilly! They are good! Eat them! See, I am eating them" Ok maybe she wasn't being encouraging? LOL Maybe she was bragging?  Still very cute.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Ya.. I knew I was a freak..

You Are 55% Normal (Somewhat Normal) While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself How Normal Are You?

A blast from the past.. past entry to remind me WHO I AM!

Orig. Posted Oct. 1, 2003

I really needed to remember this today and reread it. (and for the record.. I do not like the way they have the archives for journals)

Oct. 1, 2003

What do you put Your Identity in? What defines you?

That question was possed to the us at the Ladies Retreat followed by a very funny skitt. Then we did this following exersice..

Write on a piece of paper all the words that describe you. such as mother, wife, daughter sister, carrers and so on.

Then exchange the paper with the person next to you.

Then rip up and crumple that paper given to you!

Oh you could hear the gasps as we crumppled up the papers.  This was our Identity right, all the things that define us and it was being crushed!  The jist of this lession was, that all the things we let define us, that we put ourselfves in can be crushed, mashed, ripped up, and trapbled on, they are not permanate things and can be changed. But if we put our Identity in Christ that can never be taken away from us. Yes I am a wife and a mother to 4 wonderful kids, I am a sister and daughter but those are temapry things and dont define me. I will not always be those things.  I forever in Christ be a child of God! A daughter to the KING! I am an ambassitor of Christ, I am a Worshiper, I am a Prayer Warrior, I am a Saint, I am a joint hier to the Kingdom!  Good things to remember when I am feeling Low and unloved.  In this World I am maybe nobody, but in Heaven I am somebody and very preicous to God!

Ho Hum

After writing yesterday's post I was in a sad, depressed mood all day that carried into the evening and bed time.  I did go to bed with Josh at a decent hour and as soon as we were all snuggled in for the night the phone rang.  I ran out to the kitchen before the phone hit it's 4th ring, before the voice mail could pick up.  (really they should have it so we could set it for a few more rings, I am always missing some ones call because I am slow to get the phone)  It was one of the ladies I had invited to go with me Sat.  She called to thank me for the card but to say she had to work Saturday (no surprise to  me).  I told her that was ok, I figured that but just wanted her to know I was thinking of her and thought it would be nice to invite her anyway. (I secretly thought maybe she had read my journal entry lol she does have a link to it)  We chit chatted for a few min. and then it was back to bed for me.

Beaches is not a very good movie to watch when you are already feeling sad about not having close friendships.  Josh tried to snuggle on me and asked what is wrong.  I had told him earlier in the day that I was not feeling well, that I was coming down with something and that is half true.  I wanted to cry on him and tell him what was really on my mind but just couldn't seem to muster it up.  He told me he loved me and kissed on me and that helps but I just was not in the mood to get frisky.  I should of told him I needed a date night, a night out with just him but I know we can't afford that right now and he is working mass over time this week and weekend, so I didn't bother asking.  I fell asleep just before the end of the movie... darn.

Thanks for the loving comments yesterday too.  But just for the record the ladies I had invited, but maybe one, are not really Christians, so I really don't hold it against them for not wanting to come to something I invited them to at church or for them having busy lives. And as I was telling an online friend yesterday..

The way I see it is we are all hurt and damaged ppl walking around this planet and all we need is God's love to shine threw and touch us, but the problem is no one wants to make the efforts to reach out to one another.  Satan has us busy running around doing things that make our life so busy that it is impossible to have those relationships and we are missing out or we isolate our selves because of ourhurts and think that is the only safe place for us.. and that is wrong also because I think we hurt ourselves more by denying ourselves those relationships and love from other ppl, because when you do have a real good friend your life is so enriched.

Well... I have mass cleaning to do today since my mother in law is coming into town this weekend, so I better get to it.  Today is also pay day so I am waiting on the mail to get his check in to the bank.  I am praying that for once they come early or even on time.  I am happy that relizing my son forgot to take out the trash lastnight I hurried and took it out myself this morning.. just ten min. before the trahsman came.. so I got it out on time!  That is at least one up side to my day so far.