Monday, February 28, 2005

Night Terrors.

I was doing some random searches today for fun.  I entered in night terrors since apparently Phil, one of the main charters in my book has them.  I don't know what possessed me to write that in but it seemed fitting.  I thought it may be a good idea to go and look it up, research (ya like I am so smart).  Threw my reading I come to find out that night terrors is a very different thing from nightmares or bad dreams.  Here is a  helpful site that discuses the differences and more details about this sleeping disorder.

Night Terrors differs from nightmares because of the stage of sleep it takes place in and also typically the person will not remember the dream but wake up in a state of fear and not know why, with heart racing and hard to breath. Young children are the ones who normally suffer from night terrors but usually grow out of it but adults can have them too. There is no medical reason for it, at least not known of so far, yet from the reading I have done sounds like if you are plagued with them they will try to medicate you with antidepressants and put you in psychotherapy. Stress can bring them on or a displaced sleeping pattern.

This kind of squashed the idea I had for Phil but I can still work with this info and not offend people who really suffer from night terrors.

My question is have any of you ever had a night terror? Assuming you know what it is.. go read that site first before you answer.

I can say I have, here and there and I do remember having some as growing up.  Like waking up and sitting straight up in bed screaming and feeling so scared but having no clue what the dream was about.  I remember doing this once at a sleep over when I was about 11yrs old and scarring everyone in the bedroom.  I also remember doing this when I was a young adult and still living with my mom.  I had Zane and Josh and I still lived with her.  I just woke up and was so frightened, I just needed my mommy.. ya know?  lol I crawled in bed with her.  And recently this last year Josh asking why I was screaming in my sleep like that, or me just waking him up to hold me.  I know for a fact I have another sleeping disorder, the kind where you get stuck between waking up and sleeping.. but I wont go into that one here.  I am thankful I don't suffer often from night terrors, at least not enough to go to a doctor about it.  And Yes, I am one of those who sees things like this as spiritual warfare. I think demons are real and no joke.. but I don't have fear of them per say.. I know who's name I can call on and who has all the power and Authority  : )

Does this read like one of those Harlequin Novels?? Pathetic isn't it?!


Phil wrapped his arms around Hannah, wanting to protect her from the unseen force she seemed to be running from. He knew all about bad dreams and nightmares or as he was diagnosed as having, night terrors. He has been plagued by them ever since he was a child, right after his mother’s death but it is also a source for much of his lyrics. “Calm down.  I am right here. It is over now.  You are safe.” he said trying to settle the shivering girl in his arms.


Hannah burrowed her face into Phil’s chest, trying to hide the tears that flowed without her permission.  She still felt the fear that rose up in her threw out the nightmare but the images of the dream started to fade into a haze and she was beginning to feel like a foolish kid and embarrassed.  Phil held her and let her calm in his embrace.  He stroked her golden blond hair as they stood there for a few seconds of silence.


Hannah’s heart stated to come back down to a normal steady pace and the emotions that the dream hand invoked drained away. She pulled back from Phil’s chest and wiped her eyes.  “I am sorry.  You must think I am a baby but I can’t remember the last time I had a nightmare.  This one was crazy from what I now remember.” she said blushing.


Phil gave her a half cocked smile with thoughts of how cute she was for being embarrassed about something she had no control over. He gave her a deeper hug and holding her close whispered in her ear, “No. No sweet thing. I am just glad I was here to hold you when it was over. Don’t feel silly because of having a nightmare. Dreams are there for a purpose I think, to tell us something.  Let’s sit over here on the bed and you can tell me about it.” 


Hannah looked up into Phil’s green eyes and then over to the bed.  They had purposely avoided the bed since they came to his room.  She knew that she should keep with that thinking lest she be tempted to loose that control.  Also, she did not want to go into detail about the dream that was quickly fading behind a veil of fuzz.  “No, I rather not talk about it.  I am awake and you are still here.  That is all the comfort that I need.  Besides, what time is it! You were supposed to wake me up!” she said as she walked over to the large patio window and took in the bright morning sun.


Phil understood that she wanted to keep her dream private.  He hardly talks about his own. Why would he expect anyone else to tell him of theirs?  He gazed over at the clock on the media cabinet.  “It is still early morning. Only 8:00.”



Hannah groaned softly with disappointment.  She knew that she should leave and her time with Phil was over.  It was time for her to go home or to Becka’s as she promised.  Last night was like a wild ride and today was time to pay for the cost of the rollercoaster ticket. Phil walked up behind her as she gazed at the sparse Sunday morning Down Town St. Louis traffic. He put his hands on her shoulders and gently massaged them and as if he read her thoughts he said, “Don’t go yet. Stay a little longer.”


Hannah reached a crossed her chest and up to where Phil’s right hand was on her shoulder and held it with a squeeze. She whispered, “I wish I didn’t have to but I can’t expect my friend to cover for me all day as well.” Hannah knew she had to spend some time with Becka as ways of pay back for going along with her lie to her parents.  Oh, her parents.  They would kill her if they knew half of what she had been up to. But they would never believe their obedient little girl was out all night parting with a rock star, even if she had told them.


Phil wanted to be selfish and lock Hannah away all day with him in his room.  It has been a long time since he had to answer to anybody for his actions or whereabouts.  Even when he was a teenager he pretty much had freedom to do as he wished.  It is hard for him to understand that Hannah needed to be covered for or that she had to go anywhere that she didn’t want to. He asked in a sweet little boy tone, “Why don’t you call and see. Try and get away for the day.  Please, for me?  I am only going to be in town for a week.”


Hannah was torn again by the two voices in her head.  One said to do the right thing and go home. The other new rebellious one exclaims to her this is her time and to go with the flow! It tells her to give Phil what ever he wants.  It was the preverbal struggle between right and wrong.  Most of her life doing what was right always had won out and it was hard for her to got ageist her conscious now.  But one phrase from her dream still drifted in her awaking mind, “you can have it all”.  Phil was doing his best to feed the other voice by stroking her shoulders and her neck. He smoothly twirls her around and gives her a slow kiss.  It was all the motivation to stay that Hannah needed.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Wil Wheaton IS NOT a Geek .. ok maybe a smidge BUT I'M NOT!

You are You are a geek.  You like to tell people about your life.  You are a fan of Star Trek and stand up comedy.  You like to write and act.
Which Website are You?

I only like Star Trek mildly.. sheesh. Some Stand Up Comedy is ok.. OFCOURSE I like to write.. who keeps a blog if they don't??! but act?? ME? lol na.

Ohh how Consuelo would be jelous of me being comparied to the heart throb of her youth... she was nuts about Wil.. absolutly nuts!

I may be a bit of a geek.. just for taking quizes like these!

Sat. Six time all ready?!

You should know the drill by now.. Pat post six questions, you answer and post a link back in his comment section.

1. If a space colony could be built on the Moon or on Mars and humans could live there under protective domes, would you have any interest in living away from Earth? Well Earth is not my home, I am just visiting but I don't see myself living this life anywhere but here.  You think the Rapture would call ppl away that are in space??? It says from the four corners of the Earth are caught away, not from outer space... lol. I wouldn't want to miss that event.

2. A commercial for a credit company starts with a man being denied for a loan because of his credit score (619) and then he encounters that same number in multiple places.  Is there a number that holds some significance for you that you encounter fairly often? 633.. or any combination of 6 & 3.  My area code is 636 my house number is 633 and my zip is 63366. Creepy.  AND ALL ODD NUMBERS.. NO EVEN NUMBERS!  ohh wait.. having a blond moment.. is 6 an odd number?? I better go ask my son.

3. How many items are in your refrigerator door at this moment?  Of those, how many have you not touched in the last six months? 18! WOW!! yes I do need to clean out my fridge badly.  But of that 18 I am going to say only 2 or so have not been touched in 6 months.  A bottle of mudslide and a beer. Wine goes must faster around here.

4. How often do you buy a movie without seeing it (either in a theater or through a movie rental)?  What was the last movie you purchased without having seen first?  Do you now think that if you'd seen it first, you wouldn't have purchased it? I can't remember the last time I purchased a dvd.  I think it was that stalker movie with Robin Williams, One Hour Photo.  And no, if I had seen it first I would not of bought it.  Still waiting to get Jem on DVD. *sigh*
5. What was the last thing you purchased at an electronics store?  An office supply store?  A department store? Video Equipment (tripod) Nothing from office supply store, but I am regretting that. I think my ink would of been cheaper their. Is Wal-Mart considered a department store?? My lime green jogger outfit, the one Josh says I look like a popcycle in (ya? then come lick me lol)

6. Do you expect to owe taxes this year or get a refund?  Will this year's debt or refund be greater or less than last year's? We got more back this year and it is almost all spent already!

Zane.. Boy Genius!

Well at least in my eyes.. and he has test scores to prove that he is at least above average.   According to last year's TerraNova scores he scored better than 92% of students in the nation.  Ok ok.. I know.. not nice to gloat.  But I did just finish sending off his application to Duke's TIP program. I thank the Divine Mrs Vivian for talking about it in her journal some time last year, that is how I heard about it and have been waiting and waiting for application time.  I am excited to see if he gets in.

But that is not what I came here to write about today.  He not only looks good on paper but he has practical uses around the house too. LOL  Yesterday after I finished doing the online application for TIP I left the computer on (when is the computer not on anymore around here?) and went about doing other things around the house.  Annie went onto and was playing around a bit until I told her to get off and get cleaning that mess she calls a room. I think Sophia or Lilly saw their big sis could play at the computer and had the idea they could too... with out ME.. you can imagine the mess they could make of my computer by just typing and clicking at random.  I came back to my computer screen looking like this:


Not too bad except the tool bar was moved!!! How did they do that!!! I spent quiet a while trying to figure out how to move it.  I asked a friend online if that had ever happen to her and she said ya but she couldn't figure out how to put it back either. Here I thought I was very computer savvy and I can't even put the tool bar back to it's proper place!! But I don't feel soo dumb.. Rach couldn't figure it out either (haha) she said she did a system restore to move it back.  I groaned at that thought because I had just done an update and didn't want to go threw all that trouble.  I left it alone for today to figure out.  Like my wall paper??? I was missing the snow when I had put it up. That is the view from outside our front window. I think it's almost time to change it again.

Anyway, Zane asked me today what happen to the computer, why did I move the tool bar.  I was very annoyed and said I didn't do it, but your sisters did somehow and I can't fix it. He said all nonchalant.. I know how and with a click of the mouse bamb!

Back to normal view.  Who knew that you could move the tool bar by dragging it with the mouse????!!! NOT ME!

Just more proof that my son is awesome and I don't know what I am going to do with out him when he grows up and moves away to Oxford.

Friday, February 25, 2005

My husband.. a man of many talents : )

One of these days we will get the alarm clock setting right and figure out that there is a difference between a.m. and p.m.  Yes, Josh woke up late for school yesterday and thus he missed the whole day.  I am not even going to think about what that will mean and if apprentice school will be lenient or not. He officially has all the hours he needs to graduate but these classes are still required.

So having a day to kill and up and rearing to go he decided that yesterday was the day to play plumber.  Last week he installed a new shower head in both our bathrooms but the downstairs one seemed to have a leak.  I am hands off and know nothing of how any thing mechanical runs around here. He also decides to finally get to the bottom of what was stuck and stopping up the downstairs toilet.  I am ashamed to admit it but the toilet down there has been unusable for over a year now, we just leave it be and it leaves us be.

If you know me at all you know that we rent this house and are probably wondering why we just don't have the landlord handle all this. Yeah, that is a good question.  I think I have met our landlord all of once. We pretty much do all our business with his office assistant, who I just love.  Real estate is just a side thing for him, he is a successful sod farmer among other things. His family name is known all over our little city, thus I am not mentioning it.  The last time we asked to have any work done around here he sent out a guy who knew nothing about nothing and only put a band aid on the problem.  Since then we have worked out a deal that if something needs to be done around here Josh does it and what ever the expense is gets taken off rent.  That is a good deal to me, if my husband has the time to do the work that needs to be done.

He worked all day down stairs and a horrible smell started to drift up the stairs.  It was nasty! I lit candles and open the windows and turned a fan on.  After he took the toilet outside he asked me to mop up down there while he was at the hardware store.  It wasn't too big of a mess, but the smell. Oh man.. I threw up the diet soda that I had just drank.  I don't know witch was more gross, the smell or the gagging and the barfing. I also think I used too much bleach so that smell on top of the other smells almost made being in the house unbearable.  Note to self.. get a new mop head today.

But all is right today and we now are leakless and have a second toilet functioning in our happy home of six, where a second bathroom is not just a luxury but a must. The culprit for the stopped up toilet.. the center cilendar roll thing for the t.p. holder.  I am thinking it was either Sophia or Lilly to blame for that.  But it is too late to yell at them for something that happen so long ago.

 I wasn't even going to note this occurrence but I just received a call from our water company.  The lady was concerned over our water usage saying that the meter was just read and according to their records it was much higher than it was this time last year.  She suggested that we check for a running toilet or other leaks and also asked if there was an increase in our household that would maybe account for the extra water usage. Great, now our bill is going to be huge.  How long did we have that leak??!  This also reminds me to have Josh work on the upstairs toilet that also acts funny when you flush it. It runs and the floater thing is sensitive.  It will flush once and you expect the toilet to fill back up. Go to flush it again and nothing, you have to wait for the tank to fill back up.  Ever heard of the rule, if it is yellow let it mellow, if it is brown flush it down??? LMBO.  We all know what Josh's next Honey-Do List project is going to be.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

"Ohhhh Gawwwd, She is back at the book", groaned my husband Josh.

Remember back in October how I pounded out pages and pages to my novel for NaNoWrMo? Oh the satisfaction of making the word count to win!  I have spent the last two days reading it.  It is way past time I try and finish it.  I left Poor Hannah hanging for almost 3 month. 

Reading some of the dribble I wrote I wonder what I was thinking.  Was I sexually frustrated and thought I should inflict that on other people?  Did I have horror in mind for this book and that is why the are some of these demonic scenes?  Did I pay too much attention to detail and that is why it is 86 pages of just one fun sexy night out for innocent Hannah?  I admit the beginning of the story is kind of slow and I need to change it some how to get that hook in the first few chapters to keep the reader going until the good parts come.  I started to read it with a yawn but by the last word I was ready for more and have sweet anticipation of what is to come. 

I think joining a writer's forum has also given me the push to start to write again and makes for interesting conversation.  But I knew when I started to see Hannah and Phil in my dreams again that it was time to go back to work.  I wonder if there is a place called Fiction Land where the Charters of the Stories we write about live in and they are just waiting and waiting for us to get on with it all ready so they can come to life and not be suspended in the time and space we left them off at.  I am not disciplined and likely not that talented or smart to call myself a real writer.  But I know it is something I love to do and to justify spending all this time at it I have to tell myself that maybe one day I can make money doing it.  Any time Josh scoffs at me I get a mental image of  the shock in his face on the day I give him a Harley because of the fruits of my labor. The "I'll Show HIM" motivation.

I am thirsty to know where this story is going to finish. I had an outline that is pretty much obsolete now and I am just going with the flow.  Of course I have to share the last bit I wrote, to get some feed back.


Hannah smiled and nodded her head. Phil got up and went to the closet and produced a light blanket and went over to the couch where his sleeping beauty was.  He nudged her so she would roll on to her side.  He laid behind her and they fit perfectly together spooning on the plush couch.  He spreaded out the blanket around them and held her close. Hannah let out a small moan of happiness and then gave in to the slumber she was fighting off. Phil just laid there thinking of her and excited to be so close to her. He took a deep breath and drew in the air around her and her soft sweet smell.  He is used to staying up at all hours and is not the least bit tiered.  He just laid there listening to the light music on the radio and enjoyed each love song that played and seemed to apply to them right then and there.


                                         Chapter 16


Hannah normally has dreamless sleep and hardly expected to have one as she had Phil lay next to her. She was in heaven and any dream could not top what she had.  But this was not to be one of those sweet dreams, don’t let the bed bugs bite kind but a weird abstract one that when she was to wake up she could hardly decipher.


Hannah was in church on a Sunday morning. She was sitting with her mother and father as she usually does.  The pastor in a crisp black suit was really starting to preach and get into what ever he was saying.  He was pacing around the podium area and his voice climbed up and down. “Demons! Satan’s handy men.  Don’t be fooled. Don’t be fooled! They lay traps to ensnare you and if you are not watchful you will step right in one and destruction will come upon you and your house.


Then the dream shifted from a church setting to a recording studio.  Hannah was in front of a big mic with her guitar that she calls baby in hand.  She was trying to belt out a tune but could not focus on the sheet music. “What is wrong with her?  You said she was perfect. Razor you said she had talent.” An ominous voice spoke out from speakers.  Phil came in and yelled at her, “Snap out of it! You are embarrassing me here.  How could I of been so stupid and waste all this time on you?” And then he pulled off the charm she had around her neck, the treble clef he had given her.  Hannah wanted to cry and scream from sleep but could not wake.


Suddenly she found herself in a nursery and a crying baby was in a crib.  She walked over to it and picked the infant up, cooing to it.  Becka walked in and took the baby from her violently, “You can't have it! It is not the right time. Let me help you get rid of this problem!” “No!” Hannah yelled. “It is my choice; do not make it for me! I want it, I will love it” she yelled out.


Then Hannah heard laughing, evil laughter. It chilled her to her bones. She was in darkness and a strange light started to come upon her. In that light was a familiar looking demon dressed in a black drench coat. He got in her face and said with vial breath, “Silly girl. If you would just done as I asked, you would have had all that you desired. Phil, the baby, the career, all yours.  Hurry, your chances are fading. Lay your conviction aside. You don't really believe in them any how.  Worship ME.  I will give you the world.”  Hannah was paralyzed with fear and then heard her mother’s voice boom out from no where, “What does it profit a man to gain the whole world yet loose his soul?  Satan get thy behind me!”


Hannah sat straight up, awake and screamed.  She was disoriented and was not sure where she was but she knew that dream was too strange and to vivid to be ignored. Then she looked around her and remembered that she was with Phil and that he was supposed to wake her when their breakfast had come. She scanned the luxirous room and did not see him. She noticed plates of food sitting on the table in the corner of the room. She looked out the window and saw that the sun had already come up.  She had missed the sun rise.  Her heart sank with disapointment. How long had she been asleep? Then she heard a toilet flush and was relived. 


Phil came out of the bathroom hurriedly, “Are you ok? Did you just yell?”


Hannah threw the covers off and ran over to him and hugged him wanting to feel secure. She was shaking and needed comfort. “I just had the most horrible dream.  It was so real!”

Monday, February 21, 2005

On Shopping

Every now and then I need to go to the grocery store and get the stuff that makes up dinner.  And just about every time I go I ask the dreaded question to my husband, "What do you want for dinner?" And I get the same answer, "I don't know, what ever". Like that helps me at all!  Threw trial and error I have come to find out what he likes and doesn't like.  As stated before, I am not the word's greatest cook and really I don't aspire to be either.  As long as it feeds us and every one likes it I am happy. And sometimes I just don't care if they like it, as long as it they eat it so they don't complain about being hungry later.

Tonight I had to do some shopping.  BLA.  I have said before that I hate shopping but that mostly is directed at clothes shopping but you can include that in grocery shopping too. Most times I like to have a list but tonight I was going on the fly, feeling rich still with our tax refund in the bank.  I usually do our weekly shopping at a store called Aldi.  It is super cheap and I spend about half there then I would at the other chain stores.  The only down fall to Aldi is not such a big selection in meat and no name brands (unless they have a special buy in).  Name brand does not mean a thing to me but sometimes it is nice.  The only name brand that I am 100% loyal to is Pepsi and I was out of my Diet Pepsi so I went to the chain store Shop N Save.

I took Josh's cell with me so I could call him from the store when I did run into a dinner idea.  The last few times shopping he did not care for what I had brought home.  I didn't want another "yuck" answer from him.  I came to the sales on meat and called him up asking if pork chops sounded good to him. He said yes and to stock up since the price was so good. I asked what did he want to go with it. He insisted on Shake N Bake and Stove Top Stuffing.  MMM that did sound good to me also.  I got enough meat for 3 other dinners and also some stakes for a two dinners remembering the bare deep freezer his mom bought us almost a year ago.

I normally try and be in and out of the store.  Cheaper that way for us.  I know every inch of Aldi and can navigate it fast if I have my list handy.  But tonight I was in the big store, or as I think of it the Big Dog. Still I can find the basics pretty easily at the Big Dog Store but dang it, Shake N Bake was hiding from me.  Common cense tells me it should be with the box dinners or the stuffing.  I must of been up and down those isle 15 times.  It was becoming a scavenger hunt and I was determined to win.  I called Josh up on the cell, cringing because I hate ppl who use cell phones at the store.  He told me to just ask an employee where it was.  But nooo I didn't want to do that, that would mean defeat to ask for help.  Plus I do not like to interact with the "help" makes me feel stupid. LOL  After what felt like hours in the brightly light store with the muzak music playing and passing the same shoppers in each isle I wanted out and to get back to my home.  I was getting things that was not even on my mental list but knew we would need.  By that time that included a nice bottle of wine.  I broke down and started a search for an employee.  I found one in the dairy section stocking cheese.  "Excuse me, could you tell me where to find Shake N Bake or Bread Crumbs?" Her answer with a bit of a confused look on her face, "Last time I looked it was in isle 9." Thanks I said and directed my cart to isle 9.  Now, I have been down this isle before on my search, about 3 times.  It is the baking goods isle.  The cakes and the sugar and stuff I want to not focuse on since I didn't want to be tempted to buy sweets.  I was doubting the directions given to me.  Surely I would of seen Shake N Bake there on my previous trips down that isle.  SOB! It was down there!  It was on the other side of what I was looking at, opposite the cakes lol.

Moral of the story?  NOPE there is none.. just that Shake N Bake is by the baking goods.  And Josh loved dinner and I am having a nice buzz from the wine.

Even If I Don't Win, I still have won : )

Today is the cut off if you plan on participating in the essay contest over at JudithHeartsong.  Check out some of her art work on her profile page.  She is very talented.  I admit I would love to have one of her prints hanging in my home and have the boasting rights but there is some stiff competition out there.  The one Braxton wrote about his daughter is very lovely and I certainly see it worthy of winning.  Some ppl wrote about their beloved pets or spouses and even one wrote about a forest and someone about Love it's self.  Journal Land is full of talented writers.

As far as I have read my essay is the only one where the object of affection is God and some how I think that puts mine at a disadvantage of winning.  I may be wrong but I have gotten used to my journal being over looked because of the Jesus Factor.  I am almost positive that my journal will never be featured again on the Editors List because of my abortion entries lol.  And that is just fine with me.  I do not write for a mass audience and am not a people pleaser.

When I wrote the essay it never occurred to me to write it on anyone other than Jesus.  Truly he is "the object of my affection".  Sure I could of wrote a banging one about my husband and what he means to me or about my blessings I call my children.  But above them my heart still belongs to Jesus, The Lover Of My Soul.  It is because of my love for Christ that my love for my family and friends and others can be what it is.

Many people have told me how they have been touched by what I wrote. Some one called it more of a love letter than an essay. I have been visiting a prayer room in the chats that one of my friends runs and was encouraged to share it there.  I also read it for my friend Becky who was one of my best online friends who has gone off line but we still talk on the phone.  She wants me to send a copy of it to her so she can read it at her home fellowship.  It goes with a theme they have been studying.

I did finally read it at church Sunday.  I org. wanted to read it Wed night but my Pastor insisted it should be read Sunday when more people would be there to hear it.  I gave him a copy to read and he couldn't believe I wrote it.  Yes, that came from me, I told him as I blushed.  I have gotten used to getting up in front of my church family and speaking, it is not such big deal as some people would think. It is even easier for me if I have what I am going to say printed out in front of me.  I don't share what is written on my blog that often with them but I really wanted to share my essay with them. When Bill spoke of my webpage as he called it (funny to hear your Pastor Pimp out your blog) and how it was a blessing I laughed.  I got up and said, "Yes, I am a blogger" like you would in an AA meeting.  But I doubt that half the people know what a blog is. 

I did not anticipate the reaction it would evoke in some of them. Reading it out loud is different from just reading it in your head.  I found my self emotional on some points, the inflection in my voice was not planned. But the passion I spoke with was the same passion my fingers typed it out with.  When I stepped down and saw that grown men had tears streaming down their cheeks because of what I had read I was in awe.

It made me think that maybe I should get it published some where.  I have no clue how to go about that.  I spent a good part of the afternoon yesterday looking at magazine websites that I might send it into.  But then I think of rejection, how it would break my heart to see something I put my whole heart into be deemed not worthy of print.  I am told that is part of being a writer and to expect it.  If any one knows of a good place I should send this essay into let me know.  I do not read many magazines or newspapers.  Not because I don't like to read but because of the money a subscription would require.

So as my title of this post states, even if I don't win a contest I still have won because I got to share what I wrote and many ppl where touched by it in some way or another.  No bigger prize than that!

When I wrote it I did not know where the words came from, they just poured out.  Reading it over now, I must give credit to some of the inspirations; the song "Jesus, Lover Of My Soul" and a book I read a few years ago called "The Sacred Romance" by Brent Curtis and John Elridge and ofcourse God's Word, The Bible.


Saturday, February 19, 2005

Saturday Six Time!

Pat is the one who posts these fun questions weekly.  If you do these make sure to leave your link in his comment section.

1. Other than Earth, what planet intrigues you the most and why? I have never really thought about that. I think all of creation is intriging.
2. What is the last business issue you wrote a letter or called to complain about?  What's the last thing you complemented a business on? I don't recall the last time I complained to a buisness, but my husband has had issue with our bank more than once.  I wrote a complement e-mail to Walgreens about the guy who was so helpful in the one hour photo.  I had gone to 3 other Walgreens to get pics done for cards, a week before Christmas, so you can imagin my glee when I found some one who would actualy help me and not give me the run around.
3. When was the last time you had your picture taken?  Did you like the way the picture turned out? I am the photarapher of the family! No one takes the time to take a nice pic of me. I took the picuters of my self that adorn my side bar graphic, and I don't like them all that much.  One of these days I will get my butt down to Glamor Shots (are they still around?)
4. What was the last program you watched a rerun of on television? I have NO idea!  I seem to recall watching old old episodes of Battle Star Glactica on the Sci-Fi channel.
Carly:  The land has been referred to, by more than one person, as a community or a neighborhood. What would you call the metaphorical name of the street you reside on here in the land and who are your closest neighbors? humm.. Hallelujah Lane along with all the other Jesus Freaks. LOL Na, in all reality some of my closets friends are not Christians here in J~Land but I love them anyways. Love Thy Neighbor!

Braxton:  If you had to write an essay that pertained to 'human life', what opinion or topic about mankind would you choose to write about? (exp. relationships, struggles, accomplishments, etc) And briefly explain why you chose said topic... A reaccuring theme you find in my journal is my relationhip with Jesus Christ and how it affects the rest of my relationships. So obviously I would like to write something along those lines.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Blue and Gold Banquet

Last night I got to use the new tripod Josh got me.  NICE!

The Blue and Gold Banquet was fun and I am so proud of the boys and all their hard work. They worked all year long to earn their God and Country pin.  Just one more year before they move from Cub Scout to Boy Scout.  There was a bridging over ceremony at the banquet but I didn't get pictures of it. I mostly left the video recorder on the tripod recording and snug in a few shots of our boys.  This was the first time Josh let me take a picture of him in  his leader uniform. Who would of ever guessed that I would of grown up to marry a Boy Scout? LOL  I really hope Zane will continue all the way up to Eagle Scout.. good on the collage applications and scholarships! *wink*

We got to take home a lot of the balloons and I swear by tomorrow I am going to pop them all.  The kids are driving me nuts with them!

I went to Wal*Mart today and finally got ink for my printer and printed out the essay I wrote for that contest.  I never would of thought it would take up three pages! Doesn't seem that long in the journal.  I am going to ask to read it at church tonight.  So I am off to change into the new out fit that is my Favorite Color. YOU KNOW.. I loved this color before it became the new pink and it is very annoying that every one loves it now too! LOL At least it is more available for me to buy now.

Saw this cartoon and couldn't help but post it!


Keep Blogging away!


Monday, February 14, 2005

My Entry for February's Artsy Essay..

Over at JudithHeartSong there is a contest with a theme.  This month's is write an essay on The Object Of Your Affection.  This is my entry.  Check out her link for more info and make an entry!

The Lover Of My Soul and an Invitation To The Marriage Banquet  

There was one, who fought fiercely for my heart.   The cost to him was great for he gave all of himself in the battle waged. For reasons known to him he found me worthy of the fight. He waited for me to come to him but I did not. He sent me love letters and invitations but I rejected them and scoffed. He sent friends to tell me of his great love for me, but I laughed.  He sent me gifts in packages you would not expect, but I sent them back saying I was not worthy of such things. He would knock on the door of my heart but I refused to open.   

With this great love for me beating in his chest The Lover Of My Soul watched sadly as I gave myself to others over and over again.  I will never know the sorrow he felt each time I turned away from his love and gave into the false lover who only hurt me with his lies. The very one he had fought the battle over and won, I had cheated with and walked with too many times to count. Yet his passion for me never wavered and he did not give up on me.  He knew I belonged to him and he pursued me gently, patiently, never forcing himself on me.   

I had a longing in my heart for him but did not know it was his love that I was craving. I tried to fill that void that was within me with the lies the false lover was feeding me. With each lie came a deeper hurt and with each hurt another broken piece of my heart fell till my heart was almost gone completely. I convinced myself that I could be happy even with the hurts this false lover inflicted upon me because  he made me feel good at times and I thought I did not deserve true, pure love.  Even with my back turned to him the Lover Of My Soul whispered to me, sang out to me how he longed for me to be with him and only him. Sometimes his songs would reach my ears and I would listen for awhile, wishing what he was saying was true and then I would go back to the lies told to me.   

 One day just for fun I humored a friend who told me of the one who loved me so deeply that he died for me and went with to hear songs sung of him. At first it was the most uncomfortable place and I could not understand the joy on the peoples face. Then there was that moment, the one that pierced my hurting heart, a song that played about the Lover Of My Soul and a tear fell from my eye.  Could it be true? Did he love me only for me? All others wanted some thing from my body or mind, all others hurt me in time. But His love, it didn't cost a dime? It was free and all for me?? How could that possible be?  

I took a chance and finally said YES to the one who had been seeking me and reaching out to me, to the one who loved me even when I did not love him. We finally met and I let him in and I have not been the same since.

There in none like him who could touch me in places untouchable. There is none like him who can send my heart and mind racing.  There is none like him who can bring such joy and hope into my life.  There is none like him who can touch my soul and make it dance and sing.  There is none like him who deserves all my love and affection. 

He is the Lover Of My Soul, a solid foundation, a constant faithfully friend.  He speaks to me and in his voice I hear softens and gentleness, his mercy and love for me.  He never lies to me but always tells me how it is. His promises are real and trustworthy.  I hold him to each one and he always has and always will keep his word.

Of all the  lovers who have come and gone in my life he is the one who has won out for my heart and very soul.  The Lover Of My Soul gave everything to have it and he deemed me worth while of his love to come to bring light into my dark world. 

His amazing love he sheds on me daily, with each heart beat, each breath, each sensation.  His gifts he bestows upon me freely and with out demand. He gives me Peace when all others are in worry. He gives me Joy when sorrow is about to over take me.  He gives me Clarity when in times of confusion. He gives me his Love when I did not deserve it. He gives me Wealth that is immeasurable with gold or silver.  He gives me Living Water so that I may never thirst again.  He gives me the Bread of Life so that I may never hunger. He gives me garments of Praise and clothes me in glory.  He takes the shattered pieces of my life and perfectly fits them into place and Heals the hurts that had been afflicted upon me.

Oh how it makes me sad when those would spit on The Lover Of My Soul's name, when they would make fun of our love, when they hate him because they do not understand.  All that I endure is well worth it for I know He loves me.

How can I not give him all that I am and will be?  How can I not follow him where ever he may take me? How can I not live for him when he lived for me first?  Yes, I give this object of my affection everything and I want to honor him with my life, not just today but everyday and in all I do. He is my passion, my lover, my strong tower, my healer, my redeemer, my friend.  He is my Lord and only to he will I bow.  I cast all the cares I have of this world to him and he helps me bear it.

He calls me many things, his child, his servant, a joint heir to his kingdom but my favorite is his Bride.  I wait for our wedding day, the day The Lover Of My Soul will come to take me to the place he has prepared for me and the day we shall eat at our marriage banquet.  I will not let the ruler of this world seduce me away from my groom with lies and false promises.  I will hold fast until the very end.

He is many things to me and I can not hold him to myself but share this love he has placed inside of me, that is bursting out. He doesn't just love me and complete me but he loves everyone who would accept  his love. He longs for all to join him at that marriage banquet. All are invited but not all will come. 

Everyone can have his love and be his Bride, but not all do.  Will you share in the banquet with me that is to come? Or will you be one of those who will be standing out side banging at the door after they have been closed and it will be too late to enter? The invitation is still open, will you RSVP for this important event.  He is knocking at the door of your heart right now with it in hand, will you take it?

"Jesus, Lover Of My Soul... Jesus I will Never let you Go... You taken me from the miry clay, set my feet upon a rock and now I know...  I love you, I need you...  Though my world may fall I will never let you go...  My Savior, my Closet Friend.. I will follow you until the end."

What we are doing for V~Day



Found a free place to store my picture files.  If you are running out of space on AOL I recommend this site that even gives you codes to use for your web pages to go along with the pics. free image hosting

I hope everyone has a sweet V~Day and can be with the one you love.  Josh has school and work today so I will not be seeing him until late tonight.  And even then I think he will be slightly disappointed to find out Aunt Flow has yet again decided to visit us on a Holiday. Gurrr.. never fails.. Thanksgiving, Christmas, MY BIRTHDAY and now the Romantic Holiday.. *sigh* 

Josh was really disappointed that he had to work tonight.  He had told them last week he wanted off but then they gave him a guilt trip about hurting the company by taking two days off in a row.  Josh IS taking tomorrow off because Zane has a big Cub Scout event called the Blue and Gold Banquet.  This is where the boys get all their awards they have earned threw the year and ceremonies for the boys who are moving up to the next level of scouts.  It is a big deal for Josh to be there so he sacrificed V Day for that event.  And really I had no big plans in mind for Valentines Day.  Every day can be a love feisty around here lol.  I don't need a card from him to tell me he loves me, he shows me everyday that he does.  I will admit a night alone with him or a dinner out or a date would be nice but I enjoy doing things as family just as much as a couple.

We decided over the weekend that we would all go out to dinner as a family instead of doing something on Valentines Day.  But Saturday we lazed around and could not seem to get our butts out of bed or off the couch.  We ordered dinner from Wing Stop.  I have been waiting and waiting for Wing Stop to open up closer to me and I am so so happy they finally have. We had one by us where we used to live in Saint Louis.  My brother worked there for a short time.  MMMMMMM they are good!  I highly recommend their Hawaiian BBQ wings or Terrokie wings.  The fries are good too.. they sweeten them.

We promised the kids that Sunday after church we would go out to eat as a family.  We had forgotten all about the pot luck fundraiser lunch being held after church for a needy family that goes to the food bank.  So we choose to eat at church and donate what we figured we would of spent on a dinner out with the kids.  I think I enjoyed lunch at church more than I would of at a restaurant anyway.

After church Josh wanted to do some shopping so we went to Target.  We eventually separated into the girls and the boys and looked independently from each other.  I don't like that but Josh hates how I stop and look down each isle and pick something up, look at it, admire it even if I don't want it or need it and then put it back.  He says I shop like my mother!! OUCH! It was a good thing he was not with in arms reach when he made that comment.  There wasn't much that I had planned on buying at Target.  I needed some basic house stuff like laundry soap and dish soap, but nothing fun.  I really didn't see anything I wanted or needed.  I did browse the microwaves and found one i wanted but had not figured on getting it.  I think it was funny that Josh saw the same microwave apart from me and later when we met back up in the store suggested we get it.  Our microwave died a few months back and you can imagine the pain in the butt living with out one after being dependant on one for so long.  Basically had to re-think how to cook all together lol. The Microwave we got I just love and am still reading the manual to figure out all the special features.  I defrosted ground turkey in it last night and Josh laughed at me for being so pleased by how good it worked. Yea, it is the little things that get me excited but this microwave also has the buttons hidden behind the door so the kids will leave them alone and a lock code to keep the door closed so they cant open it. It is stainless steel and I know that will be a pain to keep shinny but still ohhh so pretty.  Josh has declared he wants all stainless steel appliances now, but I fervently disagree with that idea!

The kids had to get valentines to share with their class today so ofcourse we got them that and Lilly and Sophia are playing with the extras, getting them all over the house, sticking the heart stickers they came with on everything.. lol.  After shopping I was beat.  Josh dropped me and the younger kids off at home and took Zane and Annie out.  Zane needed new shoes plus Josh wanted to pick me out a gift.  The girls helped me pick something out for him when we was at Target and I kept telling him DONT LOOK, TURN YOUR HEAD, as we checked out.

I should of set a spending limit for him when shopping for a gift for me but I didn't think of it at the time.  I spent maybe 20 bucks on the cute T-Shirt that said Hot Stuff and the boxer shorts that had American Chopper's bikes on them.  Something for him to lounge around the house in and fun to take off later lol. I told him he could get me a charm for the braclet I got from my mom for my birthday, since he didn't have a clue on what to get me.

Apparently he couldn't find the charms that goes to this particular bracelet anywhere.  He went to Kohl's where I thought mom had originally got it but they didn't have them.  He gave up and went to Best Buy.. and that is a dangerous place to let my husband go with a Tax Return check in the bank.

Guess what he got me....


No not Photo Shop Pro. LOL but he said he did look at it.

A very nice tripod for our digital camcorder, a cleaning kit, and a bigger batterey and a battery charger that has an adaptor for quick charging threw a car lighter.  I don't even want to look at the recipe  WHO IS THE ONE WHO WENT A BIG CRAZY WITH SPENDING???? lol

After he gave me all that Josh did ask if I would of preferred the pearl necklace he was looking at.  I told him HECK NO! I would of killed you!  As nice as that would of been, I am not a big jewelry kind of gal and see expensive pearls as kind of a waste, since I would hardly have a place to where them out to.  I am very happy with the video equipment since I know I will use that more often. What can I say, I am practical. 

A box of chocolate would of suited me just fine too.. since I am craving some so badly right now!!! 

Happy V~Day

Two Valentines
(By Laugh and Lift list member Debbie Preuss)

(By Debbie Preuss, February 3, 2002)

Lord, I love You, You are mine
You fill me with a love divine
In everything I say or do
Father, I want to glorify you
May Your love light shine through me
To lead others to eternity
Every breath I take is Yours
As Your love over me pours
My heart beats only for You
May I honor You in all I do
My spirit lifts it's voice in praise
I will worship You, all my days
Lord, I cannot understand
Where I'd be without Your hand
You lift me up when I fall
You answer me when I call
Lord, all I am I give to You
For You make my heart brand new
I am the branch, You are the vine
Lord, I want to be Your valentine

(By Debbie Preuss, February 10, 2002)

Child I love you, you know that now
As I reach down, to caress your brow
Trust Me now to work things out
Child, please come, don't My love doubt
I love you with My love divine
I know you are My valentine
So come to Me with everything
Let your doubts and fears take wing
Rejoice in Me, let your hair down
Someday, you will wear a crown
Lift your voice and sing with Me
Join all nature in the harmony
Come and worship, take a rest
Lay down your burden, be My guest
Let Me hold you for a while
How I love to see your smile
Know My child, that you are mine
I'm glad you are My valentine

Sunday, February 13, 2005

You most likely all ready know but in case you missed it...

Pat, one of my favorite people in J~Land has started up another journal.  This one focuses on topics dealing with religion.  I guess he didn't feel comfortable dealing with those issues in his main Patrick's Place Journal and wanted to keep the two separate.  I am excited to get more incite into his faith and read his take on religion but I can tell from the very first entry we will likely disagree on a few things. But what fun would there be if we were all the same right!  I enjoy a free exchange of views, even if I don't agree with the other person.

So go Check out Cross Examination

His first entry has a link to a quiz about what religion do you fall under. 

Me: Mainline - Conservative Christian Protestant (100%)

 I was not all that surprised with that answer

Friday, February 11, 2005

Will you help me get the word out??

What was supposed to be a simple project of me making a web page to display a graphic I made from the Silent No More Gathering has snow balled into several web pages linked together and more work to be done still.  I have put my heart into these pages and my prayer is it will help some one, some where who is hurting or knows some one who is hurting because of abortion.  I have a bit more tweaking to do to it but it is suitable for viewing as is now.

I scraped the other web page that was non AOL I had shared the other day.  I just didn't like the feel of it, but it was a nice set up.  I like to keep all my pages in one place and on AOL so it is easier for me to remember all the passwords and bla bla ba.  I have learned that when you go to save a page and the system claims your FTP space is full, the thing is lying lol and if you press save a few more times it will go threw.  I deleted my Jem Fan screen name and made a new one dedicated to this topic called PostAbortiveHelp and under that screen name I made the new web pages.

I am asking you all who agree with me that abortion hurts women if you would please pimp out this site on your journals, speak of it in an entry, put it in your links section, send it to some one you know who needs to see it, what ever you can do I would really really appreciate it!

Start To Heal After Abortion

Also check it out and judge it for me.  Please point out any misspellings or dead links or suggestions on how to make it a better site.  It is a work in progress and it will not hurt my feelings if you point out an error.  I know there are many sites out there on this topic but I don't think there can be too many, do you?

Thank you in advance!!!!!!!


Believe it or not there are other things going on in my life besides this topic lol.  Annie went back to school today and is nit free.  Our Federal Income Tax Return came today! So I have been all over town paying off my bills.  My phone bill is all paid off so no more worries about my DSL being cut off. Rent is paid! Water and Lights are all caught up.  I still have to pay the gas bill but I can do that one over the phone.  It feels so good to have those all paid up to date. 

$1,498.81 lighter will mybank account be by the end of the night after all those bills are paid.  That is not quite half of our return but still a big ouch when I sit and look at it.  I still have to do some major stocking up grocery shopping even though I just went this week, I only got the bare basics. I need to get Zane new shoes (they are holey), make Josh pay off that stupid credit card he got and used and pay for that satellite TV, and I am sure he is going to be sinking some more money in to his truck.  I also need to find out where to get my drivers licence renewed(Yes I still have to do that.. Yes I have been driving around on an expired one.. yes we need to get insurance on the truck too) We also have to pay for Cub Scout camp for this summer for Zane and Josh to go and see what our balance is for 5th grade camp for the school next year.  Our new found riches is dwindling down fast!  My hope of getting my dental issues worked on is also sinking.  Ofcourse I did not have them set that high so it is not that far of a fall lol.  But at least we are not so deep in the financial hole and I don't have to worry about utilities being turned off or us getting kicked out of our house.

OMG that reminds me.. I was reading the paper yesterday, well Josh pointed it out (shocking I know, me read the news paper?) a house just down the street from me.. less than five minutes away... was busted for being a Meth Lab!!!!!!! Can you believe it? Upty Up O'Fallon has Meth Labs!  As the news paper pointed out Meth Labs are a big problem in our state but are normally thought of to be in far out there rural areas but NOPE they are a local problem too.  Do you know once a house has been used as a Meth Lab it is unlivable and has to be torn down and disposed of like you would toxic waste?! Also they are highly flammable.  Reading this article makes me go hummmmmmmm... Over the last 2years we have lived in this house we have had a few "characters" come knocking on our door every now and then looking for some one who they thought lived here.  I just assumed they wanted the old residence but one guy (with many piercing's,deadlocked hair and tattoos) had told me he had just gotten the directions so he must of written them wrong. Could these people been looking for that Meth Lab house and came to mine by mistake?!!  You have to understand I live in one of the older houses out here but this is a growing affluent area in my opinion, not the inner city St Louis ghetto we moved out of.  When I think of St. Charles County, I don't think Drug Houses but Mini Mansions and BMW's and good schools. I guess I am not too surprised but just a bit chilling that is all.

Any who.. Go and pimp my new web page link!!! : )

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Got it to work!!! Now let's see if I can get it on to a web site.



I have the first and last frames set to hold the longest so you can read them and only set to repeat twice.. I was thinking that would make it smaller MB wise.  It may take a while to load with dial up but worth the wait.

Here we go again....

Just when everything seems to be going well, pulling together some way or another we get another set back.  I swear as much as Josh has spent on that truck it should be passing emissions testing!  And that ofcourse cuts into what money we got back from the State refund.  I have bills to pay and buy food ya know!  And that is another thing.  Josh gave me money the other day to go shopping for groceries and since it was so late to order dinner.  Ofcourse he doesn't give any suggestions of what he wants to eat, and I am sick of pizza so I ordered Chines food.  Yes it was a bit expensive but mmmm good.  I nickel and dime all the time and he is getting all out of whack over one dinner.  Then when I do go shopping I took a friends advice to check out Wal-mart's new food section.  She insisted it was the same price as Aldies and better quality.  Well.. poo she was wrong.  But ofcourse I spent half my grocery money there anyway and the other half at Aldies.  Josh again has a fit because he saw the receipt.  He thinks I have gone buck wild on spending.. what ever.  Who maxed out the brand new credit card the first month he got it???  Who ordered satellite TV?? Who is spending what little money we do have on an old truck???  It is not like I bought anything I like or was fun, it was all food!  Our bank account is over drawn, I have pennies to my name, I am low on gas and out of soda and cigarettes.  Our Federal tax return can not come any sooner! Oh and that is another thing.  When ever I ask how much it is so I can go to the irs web site and check the status he is vague and cant remember the exact amount.  He seems to think it should be direct deposited by Friday.

I am used to being tight on money and have learned to live with it.  That isn't really what is bugging me today. It is just one thing I can complain about.  NO what is really up setting me is that Annie.. yet again has been sent home with lice this week.  This is ridiculous, this is the third time this school year.  All together we have spent over $100 on the stuff to get rid of it and it keeps getting passed around to us.  So I went threw the whole process again, feeling like I am becoming an expert on the whole thing and sent her back to school the next day, making sure she saw the nurse first thing. I get a call from the nurse to come and get her again, she found a few more nits that I had missed.  I go get her, feeling like a fool and the nurse shows me where they are and sends a video home with me on how to pick them out.  Hello.. I know how to get them out. But Annie is like me, she has thick hair and dandruff so that makes it double hard.  I sat.. I am going to say a total of 10 hours going threw her hair in the last two days.  I haven't even gotten to Lilly, who I know also has it.  I was going to bring her up to school this morning and have the nurse look at her again but then I was going threw her hair again this morning and saw a few more.  So instead of wasting my time driving up to school just for her to be sent back home I kept her home again today for another marathon of hair picking.  There weren't any adult bugs, all nits but she has been shampooed.  I am starting to feel like the nurse and the office ppl are glaring at me on the other end of the phone.. Why can't I have office ladies like Mrs. Peachy?? And poor Sophia and Lilly.  You should of heard them crying and wailing when I took all their stuffed animals and dolls with hair away and put them in a plastic garbage bag.  They cried real tears as they said good bye to Dora and Diego.

Ugh... is your head itching yet??  You think ppl will point and laugh at us if we just shave off all our hair??  Na, just think we joined a cult.

I have tried to resize the animation I made and want to upload to the web but it seems to be no use.  I have found a whole bunch of places where you can store uploaded pictures for free but they always have a limit on the file size.  I am tempted to just delete all my Jem web pages since I hardly use them or that screen name.  But I did so much work to those pages it would seem like I wasted my time.  You know AOL could make our lives easier by having a graph or a warning of how much FTP space we have used and how much we have left, instead of making us guess.  I am not even sure if I deleted those web page if that would leave me the room I need.

All right.. I guess the upside is I still, shockingly, have dsl and can type this journal entry and we are not starving, our utilities are not turned off and Annie can get her homework sent home to her since Zane is still allowed in school. He didn't have any nits.  Josh has been working this week and if our Federal does come in tomorrow we can pay rent, the office lady for our landlord is very nice and easy with us on that stuff. 

But here we go, spending that money before it even gets here.. and if you recall that money was supposed to go towards my dental work.  I knew not to get my hopes up about that.

This is feeling like one of those days where I should just consintrate on some good praise and worship music and maybe read the Beatitudes.  This too shall pass.. 

Wednesday, February 9, 2005


It seems my FTP space is full.. even for new screen names.  So I went on a hunt for a place where I could build a free webpage to put the animation I put together of the Silent No More Gathering.  Boy this turned into an all day project when I should of been doing other things. 

I have a brand spanking new website dedicated to Help and Healing After Abortion called Let The Healing Start... but as nice as it is and all.. it is limited.  And the whole purpose of getting a site so I could put of the animation is not working!!  Can you say frustrated????

Ofcourse it doesnt help that the animation is 2.19 MB big!  Big pouty face here!!!!

Answering a question

I have tried to privetly e-mail two comments made in my journal recently but the screen names always turn up unknown.  I really want this person to hear what I have to say and have been praying they would contcact me again.  I only answer openly because I know they read my journal and since I can not e-mail them I am going to answer here.  Please anyone, feel free to e-mail me any time or IM if you see me online.   In a message dated 2/9/2005 9:06:15 A.M. Central Standard Time, AOLAlerts writes:
A comment has been posted to the Journal:
Hunybea's Open Journal
Silent No More Gathering at The Arch St. Louis, MO.
Comment from: carolinafan618
"this is awesome that you can talk about this... I am still in the closet about what I did almost 20 years ago... I am debating on going to the class at church forgiven and set free but wonder what others will think of me or whatnot..In Sunday school there was a discussion about the sanctity of human life and the teacher said I do not know how a woman could live with herself after having abortion... That hurt... As you said when you have it done you do not think of the future.. how old the child would be? I had a miscarriage several years ago and had a very hard time with that and thoughts of the abortion made it hard.. In sunday school class I wanted to get up and leave just hard to listen too but i toughed it out..One of the pastors wife read scriptures from the bible about it and then offered if needed to talk to her to get literature... I couldnt do it.. This week in the bulletin there is a thing offering the class..... I know in my heart it would be good for me to go too,but the courage isnt there.. Any idea suggestions? I am afraid what others would think but yet they would be in the same boat as me. Thanks for listening
I had a comment in a previous entry similar to yours.. was it you?  I tried to e-mail the screen name in the comment but it was an unknown member.  I was praying that person would contact me again.  I will enclose that e-mail for you to read.  I can see how you would of been upset with what that teacher had said, she just lacks understanding and compassion.  Many people do.  Before I was public about it one of my best friends had made a comment about the excuses people use to get an abortion, one being they could never carry a baby to term and then give it up for adoption and she scoffed.  That was when I piped up.. I had an abortion and that is exactly what I told myself.  She was visibly hurt that she had just laughed about it and was judging and here I was hurting over it.  The truth always opens eyes and brings understanding.  Here is what I wrote that person who had commented before.   
.  Let me say I am proud of you for asking questions and reading the list and I do not judge you.  Do not be fearful of what others are going to think dear one.  In all likelihood the person they listed to contact about the study has had an abortion also and has gone threw the study, that is why she feels able to be open about it.  Fear is not from God, but from Satan.  He doesn't want you to find healing, he wants  to keep you in a dark place.  If you do not feel comfortable enough to do the study with people you know from church go contact one of the Pregnancy Recourse Centers in your area and tell them you are post abortive and want to do this study.  That is where I went for this study.
  Here is also a webpage that lists a lot of recourses you can use and numbers to call that can help you find a place to do a study similar to the one being offered at your church.  But what ever you do, please seek some help.  I never realized how deeply I was effected and how certain patters where established in my life because of my abortion.  It is a hurt we try and stuff down deep but it surfaces in many ways we may not expect.  Believe me when I say this is a good thing to do for yourself and will help you draw closer to God too.   If I can be of any help feel free to e-mail or IM me.   Much Love, Mary

Monday, February 7, 2005

Silent No More Gathering at The Arch St. Louis, MO.



"We discover gladness when we leave the prison of pride and repent of our rebellion." - Max Lucado

Justice - When you get what you deserve

Mercy - When you don't get what you deserve

Grace - When you get what you don't deserve

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30:11,12

It is hard to put into words what yesterday was like for  me.  Very emotionally draining but uplifting at the same time.  I wish I could share the video with you all but our battery gave out on us less than half way threw and Josh is not the most skilled photographer, he didn't even get a picture of me holding my sign or giving my testimony.  But that is ok, these pictures some what convey what it was like to be there.  Isn't the one of LillyBea holding a sign awesome?! I have e-mailed some of the other ladies asking if they too had pictures to share.  I want to make one of those animations with them all, as seen on my side bar.  I want to try and get the audio off the video I do have of me giving my testimony  but the sound quality is not that good.  Maybe after I get the animation together I will just do a ABP message retelling what I said.

I was honored to be able to stand, with the full support of my family with other women to tell the Truth of how our abortions hurt us and that women deserve better and there is help for post aborted women and other choices available for those who may be thinking of abortion.  People from all over MO came, as far as Kansas City!  A rather large youth group came also, all the way from Chicago! WOW, I think that is so amazing!

Thank you sooooo much for your prayers!  As people of the "church" where in the comfort of their homes or at other gatherings for the Super Bowl we were down at the Arch, in the cold and wet being salt and light for Jesus.

The morning started out emotional for me at church.  During praise and worship we sang a song with the lines, "Come bless our land as we seek you and worship you"  I could not sing along with that song, I started crying and fell to my knees praying.  How can we ask the Lord to bless us when we are callus to the blood shed on our soil?  How can we ask him to bless us when 4,000 innocent children a  day are being sucked out of their mother's womb and we are sitting in our churches signing?!  Sadly I am starting to agree with some as they predict a judgment is coming and it starts at The House Of The Lord.  I went to the bathroom to take one of the children and also to clean myself up a bit and one of the ladies who knows me pretty well was in there.  When I was crying in the sanctuary she was one of the people who came and hugged me and she had commented in the bath room that I felt hot when she did. She thought maybe I was getting sick.  I told her no, just nerves about later today and how I could not sing with that song.  She was in children's church last week and didn't hear my announcement about it so I told her just what was on my mind and what I was doing later today.  She agreed that yes it is a sad thing but we are living in The End Times (her husband is one of the pastors and the authority on End Times teaching at church) and things are going to get worse.  I agreed with her that we are living in the end times and yes things will get worse BUT we are the light and we are not to let our hearts wax cold. 

I was having a hard time sitting listening to the message on who God's Heroes are.  His heroes are those who work behind the scenes, who may not be up there preaching or doing all these works, but those who serve.  An example he used was those who help Saul escape a city in a basket or the one who won Billy Graham to the Lord or the one who just prays for others or donates funds to enable ministries to do work.  While this is all true, and a very good message I may say, Satan was attacking my thoughts with things like, Who is your hero here, who is there for you, all those save one you asked to come to your event bowed out.  How can you sit here with these hypocrites?  Yes I was letting bitterness swell up but I shut it down, realizing it is not about ME and mayhap my place in this church is to be the voice for the unborn and wake those who are asleep to this blood shed up. But it is hard not to be bitter when some rather go to a Super Bowel party then to an event talking about the TRUTH of abortion.  I am letting that go and trusting God to do the work, knowing that bitterness only eats at ppl and produces bad fruit.

I told thefriend from my church that did come and support me and stood with me that she was my hero (referring to the message that was given) and thanked her.  She is so sweet and shrugged it off saying, that is what friends do.  I know she will have big rewards awaiting her in Heaven.

When we parked our car at the Arch grounds it was raining pretty good. We were a bit early so we waited in the van for awhile. The children where getting  ancy, wanting to get out and look at the Arch, so I suggested we pray as we waited. Let's ask Jesus to make the rain stop for a little while, so we don't get all wet I told them.  It was precious to hear my Lilly, my 4yrd say simply and totally trusting, "Jesus, please make the rain stop for awhile."  Sophia wanted to pray too, so Lilly helped her and had her repeat her words.  No sooner than they said Amen, the rain started to let up and with in a few minuets it had stopped.  It is so true that if you need prayer, ask a child to pray for it, for their faith is greatest!  It was affirming to Lilly that Jesus did hear her prayer when the rain stopped and held off till almost the end of the event.  I also know it was prayers from my friends here and my prayer group and those at church who said they would pray too where heard.  AGAIN I SAY THANK YOU!

It went well beside being sabotaged on the sound system.  We were promised an outlet to plug in our sound system but the electricity was shut off and we could not get a hold of the people responsible for turning it on. I may of sounded more angry then I was because I had to YELL out my words instead of use my normal tone and some of the ladies you could barely hear at all because they are soft spoken by nature.  The most effected part of it all was the signs and us standing off the street for those passer bys to see them.  I was surprised there was as much traffic and visitors to the Arch as there was but I know God brought those who needed to receive this message.  Many people gave thumbs up and honked in support.  A school bus has passed with a load of teenagers and one of them shot me the peace sing.  But the ones that stick out the most to me are the ones who looked but turned their heads away quickly and sped up.  There was one who was behind a car that had slowed down to read what the sign really said, she looked too but when she saw what it said she sped up and passed the other car that was slowed down.  I can't say for sure, but I think she is the ONE who I was there for, the one who really needed to see the sign and I am praying for her.

For me, even if the gathering was not on a massive scale but if we effected just ONE person threw it all we did what the Lord had sent us to do. Channel 11 News was the only news outlet that showed up and they did have us on at 9 o'clock with just a 10 second blurb, but the signs were clear and they did not twist or try to spin as I was afraid they would.  That particular station runs commercials for one of the big clinics in our area.  Ofcourse they don't have anything on their website about it or the clip along with the other stories they ran that night, but I know some one was supposed to see that broadcast.

I know this is running long but I have to just say how my heart broke along with each women's story. Essentially each of our story is the same but some where effected deeper and more physically. How many of them really where not given choices and where pressured into it.  The abuse, the drugs, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, lack of self worth,the relationship problems, all the symptoms they had of Post Abortion Stress. One couple there could not have children because of her abortion, another women was there who just had one back in August and the most heart breaking and shocking for me was she was retelling how the councilor was a Christian and showed her scriptures and lied to her about how this was right in the eyes of the Lord. Other ladies told of how they felt like cattle lead to the slaughter, the coldness of the clinic workers. One shocking story was how the abortionist made sure the container where the baby parts where sucked out was right next to her so she could see it fill as it came out of her body and then he told her "See that, that is your baby" Even men got up and told their side of how they were hurt because of the part they played in the destruction of their baby. But the uplifting part was at the end of each story was how the Lord help each person heal, how he broke threw  the walls built up because of the hurts of abortion, how he has enabled them to speak of it openly now.

Saturday, February 5, 2005

They are calling for rain tomorrow..

The big day is upon me. I feel little prepared.  I have not written out my testimony yet or practiced what I am going to say.  I was talking on the phone with one of the ladies this evening and she is like me, has not written anything out yet.  But she has talked to groups before and just lets the Spirit guide her she says.  I am not so worried about what I am going to say.  I have written on it many times, just not spoken on it publicly that often.

The weather man is calling for rain tomorrow. 60% chance they say.  But as Hunter has recently reminded us in his blog, God is the one who is in charge of the weather, not the weather forecasters who can only give predictions.  I commit this event to the Lord, and ask for his favor with the weather conditions. If it rains we wont be able to use a sound system as planned, but I am not going to worry.  But I guess if it does happen to rain, we will just get wet as we bellow out the truth.

Keep us in your prayers.  Look forward to pictures and if I ever figure out how to, video too.

Friday, February 4, 2005

Greatest American

I went and nominated who I thought were the greatest Americans.  My number one pick, some one you only hear about for her work in the fight for women to have the right to vote but also known for her pro-life values.. Susan B. Anthony.

I also put Abraham Lincoln, Mel Gibson (he was born in the U.S. and is a citizen), George W. Bush, and Billy Gram.

Go nominate who you think the Greatest American is or was and also tell me in the comment section who you picked and why. 

Thursday, February 3, 2005

The Talk...

Well.. it seems my DSL is still on for now. So I am going to journal a bit but don't expect my connection to last threw the weekend, but who knows.

Last night I sat the kids down and explained to them what I was doing this Sunday and why.  It was very hard but we made it threw.

At dinner I told Zane and Annie that after Sophia and Lilly went to bed Daddy and I want to talk with them about some stuff.  I think they was happy to get out of going to bed at their normal time.  We watched the State Of The Union address and Josh dosed off.  I sent my younger girls to bed with hugs and kisses and Annie off to take her shower.  Zane was reading a book in his room but wondered out to the living room as I flipped on PBS.  There was a documentary about the death camps in Germany and about the Holocaust.  We caught the last 30 min. of it.  Actually I was really surprised that PBS didn't broad cast the State Of The Union Address.  I prefer to watch that kind of stuff on PBS because they don't have all the stupid commentary that the networks do.

My son knows about the Holocaust and we have had conversations about it many times.  We let him watch Shindler's (sp) List with us and other shows that were like documentaries, even though it was graphic.  I know some parents want to shield their kids away from some realities and protect them, and give them false illusions about how our world is.  But I prefer to tell it like it is or was in history and help them understand why some things are the way they are now.  Annie came up from her shower and caught the tail end of the show as well.  When she heard the number of people killed by the Germans in the camps her eyes were wide and she said, "WOW, that is a alot of people, that is a big big number!" 60 million is an incompressible number.  It is hard for me to understand how that happen or got that far, even harder for a 7 yrd going on 8 to take in.

I was stalling, prolonging what I had set out to talk to them about.  I was still flipping thew channels.  Then Zane reminded me that Daddy and I wanted to talk to them about something.  I turned the T. V. off.  The T. V. is almost like the background noise of our house and is not very often turned off (ya I know that is bad) so the house was very quiet.  It set a serous mood in the living room.  I let Josh sleep on the couch.  I knew he really didn't want to take part in this conversation, that he didn't have much to say.  Zane and Annie sat on the reliler section of our couch and I pulled up one of Sophie and Lilly's little chairs and sat on it in front of them.

"That is sad about what happen in Germany isn't it" I said. "Hitler killed alot of people.  Do you know how he got away with that?"  They shook their heads no.  "Because he told people that Jews and some other people where really not human.  That they didn't qualify as humans, they were less superior to white people or people from another religion." My children shook their heads and I went on.  "What does the Bible say about Satan? Do you remember?" I asked.  Annie chimed in, He is the Devil and Zane said he was an angel who was kicked out of heaven called Lucifer.  They were correct. I asked them what else did the bible have to say about him? Zane answered, He tricked Adam and Eve and they got kicked out of the garden because they listened to him.  Again my son is correct. "The Bible aslo says that Satan is the Father of All Lies.  That he is out to Kill, Steal and Destroy people.  To take away from them what God wants to do in their life." (John, 8:44 John 10:10)  There is the same thing going on here in America, today.  People are being murdered becaue some do not think of them as human.  Our government says this is an ok thing to do.  People are beliving a lie." It was hard for my children to  hear this truth, that our wonderful country could be anything like the evil Germany that was resposible for 60 million murders. I told them 4,000 people are murdered every day because of this lie that they are less human than other people.  That isn't right is it? They agreed with me, they were very upset. Tears in their sweet eyes. Who would do that! Why!

Then came the very hard part. "It is called abortion.  Do you know what that is?" I asked. They had a vague idea about it.  I told them a mommy will go to a clinic and have her baby taken out of her belly, before the baby can be big enough to live away from the mommy's body.  Some mommies do this because they believe the lie that their babies are not human yet, they are less human because they are still small.  Satan tells these lies but God says we are human from the time we are conceived.  God knits us together in our mother's womb, that he already knows us and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps 139:13-14)

"Mommy was told this lie and I did that when I was very young."  I went to the china cabinet and showed them the tribute I had made for that baby. (as seen on my website) "Her name is Beautiful.  She is your big sister." My children, they wept for their big sister.  They wept for their mommy who believed a big lie from Satan. "Mommy is very sad she did this and I am sorry, very very sorry.  But Jesus, he still loves me, that was the old me who did that, when I was born again I became a new person and that is how I can talk about it now.  Because I know Jesus forgives me and I don't want any other mommies to do what I did.  That is what Sunday is all about.  Mommy is going to talk about it to alot of people.  But it is ok for you to be sad about what I did, or be mad at me.  And it is ok for us to talk about it.  Anytime, if you want to talk about it, you can come to mommy or daddy.  But I love you so much, and I will never hurt you.  And daddy loves you. It was before mommy knew daddy.  Daddy didn't have anything to do with it.  This is why people need to wait for their husband or wife.  With sin there are consequences and they don't just effect you but others too. And Zane piped in Just like Adam and his sin, it still effects us to this day.  Yes you are very right Zane.  This isn't a family secret we can not talk about ok. It is ok to have questions and talk about our feelings.  But if you do want to talk about it, talk to mommy or daddy.  We don't just talk about it with anyone.  Later when you are older and want to talk to people about it, like if you know some one who is thinking about it, can tell them what happen to mommy, but you are still young for that.  This is a very adult topic.  Alot of adults find it hard to talk about it.  But you guys are doing really good and I am proud of you.

They asked questions and I answered them the best I could according to their maturity level.  Zane wanted to know how I did it, how did I take the baby out.  I told him a person who called himself a doctor did, people who do this are called abortionists.  Annie wanted to know what it looked like.  I told her I don't know, they don't show the mommies the babies afterwards.  She wanted to know where the babies went after what happen to their bodies.  I wanted to cry but I didn't.  I told her the truth, that they sell the body parts to scientist or they just plainly throw them away.  Zane remembers a sign he has seen with a babies head that had been aborted ripped in parts, he asked if it looked like that.  I tried to explain that my baby was still very small when it happen and that was a pic of a bigger baby that has been taken out of its mommy, and I was not sure what it would of looked like, I didn't get to see a body. But she is in heaven with Jesus, the best place ever, she is not in pain at all anymore and when we all get to heaven we will get to meet her and what happy day that is going to be!

I let them cry and I held them.  Annie was deeply affected.  I could tell she wanted to say something but just couldn't find the words to verbalize it.  I am alot like that too.  I am sure she will come to me later with what she was trying to say.  I loved on them and sent them to bed.  I asked Zane to watch his sister for me, to let me know if he or she is having a hard time, to be there for each other.  They are very close you know.  He went to her room and talked to her for a second, Annie was still crying some and he tried to comfort her.  After he went to bed I told Annie to come snuggle with me in my bed.  I didn't want to leave her alone, I wanted her to feel my love, to know I was there for her, even if I wasn't there for her big sister.

NO one likes to admit their sins, especially to their children.  We want to stay perfect in their eyes and don't look forward to the day when they start to see us as not just mom but as human.  I think this was a good thing to do with my older children.  Especially if I am going to be come active in the Pro-Life movement. We now can talk about it openly and not have it hidden and avoided.  I do expect more conversations, more questions, more emotions.  This is part of being a family.  I don't expect them to understand everything at once but I don't have to keep it hid away from them and when they are older they will benefit in some way from having this information.