Monday, January 31, 2005

E-mail from one of the laides taking part in Silent NO More..

Precious Friends,

    This week many of us may feel we are under attack from the enemy. Let
us remember:
    "The weapons we fight with are not weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretense that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ" (2Corinthians 10:4-5).

We greatly over estimate Satan's power by supposing that he can interact directly with us in a physical sense. But we must arm ourselves against the power he has over our minds. The Bible instructs us to "put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes" (Ephesians 6:11).

 Without it we are guaranteed a casualty of war; with it, you are invincible.The Bible says that Christians cannot be controlled by demons. If you are a follower of Christ, the King Himself indwells you; and you can rest assured that "the One who is in you is greater than the one who is
in the world" (1 John 4:4).

 Remember to whom you belong! We are more than victorious in Christ!

I love you and am praying for you!

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of His mighty strength, which He exerted in Christ when He raised Him from the dead
and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly realms, far above the rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come."
(Ephesians 1:18-21)


It's Not my Issue... Just a symtom of Apathy in the body of Christ.

I overslept this morning... of all Sundays to over sleep I had to this one! gurrr... But since we have the van back Josh got the kids ready for church and I rushed to church in his truck so I wouldn't be late.  I got there just in time for worship and Josh got there more than half way threw. So it worked out better than I thought.

I was anxious to get up and make my announcment about Silent No More.  I was regretting not taking notes with me, and was getting ready to chicken out.  I flipped threw my Bible for a scripture that would go along with what I had to say, and wondered how much detail I should give about my testimony but nothing was coming.  I gave up and decided to just let the Holy Spirit speak.  Worship was awesome.. ofcourse!  Then the last song played, my favioret song, my theme song, the song that first ministered to me and helped things click when I first became a Christian.. Jesus, Lover Of My Soul!!  I wepted threw it and took it as God telling me he was with me and that song was being sung just for me, to encourage me.  I can't tell you how much that meant to me!  The Lord is so wonderful. To send a simple song at just the right time. 

The normal announcments were anounced and I knew Bill hand forgotten that I asked to make one.  So Just before he was to turn over the mic for the message I raised my hand and made eye conacte with him and then he remembered.  How easy it would of been for me to just sit and be quiet and let the service conitnou with out what I have been planning and praying over to be said. But how could I do that, I had resigned myself to do it.

I got up and took a deep breath and asked the Worship Team did they know THAT song was meant for me. I was on the verge of loosing it, with tears welling up but I held my control. I kept it simple and to the point, explaining how I had gotten an e-mail last month inviting me to Be Silent No More and how I wanted to just delelet it but knew God was telling me to do it for his Glory.  I told them the whos, whats and wheres and added that I needed my church family, who I love so much to be praying for me and supporting me on this. Inviting them to come and if they needed any more informationg to talk to me later. And that was it. Short and too the point. I was done!  I did what God had required of me today and felt relief that it was out of the way.

If only that was all he had asked me to do today, this day would of been so less draining.  But he wasn't done with me yet.  He had to show me something first.

After church I had one person come up to me asking if she could ride with me next Sunday, that she planned on going.  I am so happy about that.  I had talked to her before about it and I knew she was praying for me, so it was no surprise that she wanted to attend too. I had a few other ppl that I knew come up and give me a pat on the back and say what a good thing I was doing and that they are proud of me.  Always embarasing. But it was encouraging.  Then a friend of ours, one of the sweetest men I know, he is so nice that when I first ment him I wondered if he was for real. But he said he also was proud of me and and said it was a good thing I am doing it.  I don't know why but out of my mouth just said, "So are you going to come next Sunday to it then?" I had not planned it, it just came out of my mouth. His reply, "No, no.. It is not my issue." I was stunned, I am sure he wasn't aware how that sounded and  but I brushed it off and had no reply to that statment and just nodded oh, ok. I had remembered he was the same person who has said at a meeting one time that on this issue he didn't want to debate ppl about it, you can't change minds untill there is a heart change first and only Jesus can do that.

I drove the van home with the kids and Josh took the truck. On the way home what he had said kept ringing in my ears.. "It's Not My Issue" WHY NOT! IT SHOULD BE! I screemed inside my head. I was exstreamly upset about it. Not mad that he wasn't going, even if it was just for me, but mad that he was not active in changing this Hollocast in America.

 I had read and heard others complaining about this apathy in the body of Christ, how some just dont care and it is hard to get ppl involved.. and each time I heard or read that I would always think.. well maybe that is thier church, but not MINE, mine surely is NOT like that, we just need oppurtinitys to get involved.  And that is what God was oppening my eyes to.  How ppl can expect others to do the work and give them a pat on the back and say how good that is but do nothing else. How it must grieve the Lord to see his ppl who are to be his Voice, the Salt and Light, be so calused to the innocent blood shed going on in thier own back yards.  How this is what it was like in Germany durring the muder of millions of Jews as the Christians sat in thier pews and just sang thier hyms just a bit louder as the box cars of ppl being lead to the camps passed by. How if only all those who say they are pro-life would get up and be heard, do something, say something, not just vote pro-life, this battle would be won so fast.  How lives are brought down because no one warns them about what Abortion is and debunks the lies put out there.  How if ONLY my mom had one person who was pro-life speak into her life, that she may of remembered that when it came to me.

I knew that I had to call this friend who had said that to me, but I didn't want to.. WHY ME.. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO DO IT.. but then I knew.. I had to because number one.. when you have ought agenst a brother or sister you are to talk to them about it right away, and number two I had told the Lord to use me anyway you want, and this was part of that, part of me being his servant.

Josh could see I was up set and asked what was wrong but it was so hard to verbalize all that was going threw my head and I told him I just needed go in our room for a few mins and pray.  I went into our room and sat on the bed and prayed and sobbed and sobbed. Ofcourse Josh came in and I told him all that was I was thinking and he held me as I cried and huged me.  Have I told you how awesome my husband is??  And he agreed with me, with each thing I said.

I did call my friend later and had a good chat with him.  Don't worry all is good between him and I but is he still luke warm on this? Probaly.  I did show him this scripture and maybe planted some seeds.  I wouldn't say I rebuked him in so many words but I got out what was bothering me.

Proverbs 24:11-12    If thou forbear to deliver [them that are] drawn unto death, and [those that are] ready to be slain; If thou sayest, Behold, we knew it not; doth not he that pondereth the heart consider [it]? and he that keepeth thy soul, doth [not] he know [it]? and shall [not] he render to [every] man according to his works?

I am going to ask my Pastor Bill to go with us Sunday, so he can see and experance it and maybe he will get on fire and that will catch on.  So, PLEASE, keep praying for me. You know how the enemy likes to attack and put up obsticals when you are doing the Lord's work.


Saturday, January 29, 2005

That was just awesome! High on the Lord!!

Matthew 18:20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.


The prayer meeting was wonderful!  I came home on what I can only describe as a spiritual high, pumped up, uplifted, ministered to, blessed, and excited about what the Lord is doing threw me and threw all the women I met tonight.

I am so happy that I was inspired to have this gathering before the event and that it all came together.  I know it helped put me at ease and some of the other women as well.  I felt an instant kinship, connection with these other women who all come from different denominations and back grounds and age groups.  There was five us tonight who came together to pray over the Silent No More gathering but it was so much more than just praying, it was also fellowship and ministering to each other.  It has been some time since I have been in the company of other women like me, who are post aborted but could talk about it openly and share what the Lord has and is doing in our lives. 

The Holy Spirit was there, thick in the air and intimately touching each of us, preparing us and encouraging us.  If you have never had the experience of the Holy Spirit touching you and ministering to you, I just can't describe it. It is something that stays with you and electrifies you.  Not that I need to be in a group and be fed to feel him move on me, I feel him around me all the time because he LIVES in me but there is just something special about gathering together in Jesus name, as stated in the above scripture.

The women who were available to come to the meeting had all met each other previously but only recently.  So I was the new one and the youngest to the what felt like a loving group. I really admire and respect these women for all they have done.  Some have spoken at other types of pro-life events, some have their story published and some have spoken on the radio about it and some are active in Standing at the abortion mills, also known as the gates of hell.  Each has taken what was meant for harm and let the Lord use it for good.  Each have been obedient to him in their own ways and willing to be used where they have been hurt the most.  I know God has lead me to this network of women and some mighty things are in store.  When the pastor said last Sunday when you know what it is God wants you to do, run with it, don't hold back, I knew that applied to me and what is to come.  Faith about to be put into action.

A bit of a side story that is very encouraging to me.  I was talking to one of the women and she asked if I had named my baby that was aborted.  I smiled and said YES (it is part of the post abortion counseling, I may get into that story some time about how I was inspired to name her) her name is Beautiful. The women cocked her head and looked at me and asked, "Do you have a web site? I think I have seen that on a web site, was it yours?. I remember seeing the tribute and it really touched me." WOW  I hardly think about all the different ppl who may visit that site or even the possibility of one day meeting one in person.  I am just blown away. My Internet labors have not been in vain!  That was like a taste of one of my rewards awaiting me in Heaven.  To know that I touched just one life!

Oh I could go on and on but church comes early and I am speaking tomorrow.  But I am not nervous anymore and I am not even going to write out what I am going to say.  I am going to just open my mouth and let the Holy Spirit move and give me his words. Ok.. I may have a small sheet with me with the main points I want to make, but I don't plan on reading it word for word.

Isa 62:6 I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, [which] shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence

Getting it out of the way just incase I can't post next week..

I want to finish up my reflections before next week.  In all likely hood my DSL will be temporally disconnected and on the new plan I am on with AOL I only get 5 hours a month of dial up.. omg that is nothing!  So needless to say I will not be online via my computer if the DSL gets cut for awhile.  Thankful I did keep ABP and can check and correspond threw e-mail that way and post voice entries (short 3 min. ones).  So look forward to hearing my lovely voice in the near future.  Ugh that reminds me I need to mess with my address book because when I say screen names the stupid system doesn't want to recognize what I am saying, so I have to add friendly names to the ppl I KNOW I want to voice e-mail with.

On with the post.. again I say ****If any women reads this and is also post aborted, you may find this painful because it may remind you of your own abortion.  I beg you not to shove your memories down but to face them.  There is help out there for you to deal with this traumatic event in your life, where you can find forgiveness and start to heal.  Many crisis pregnancy centers offer post abortion counseling. Look in your phone book and find one. Believe me once you face your feelings, your hidden guilt and shame and grief, you can start to heal. Or e-mail me and we can talk more.****

I stopped at a very hard memory, going into the exam room at the clinic. When I started to write on it last I had happen to remember a detail that I had continently blocked and lost my nerve. Details that I will only put here and not include in my verbal testimony. One week to go and I still haven't written out what I am going to say at the event or what I am going to say tomorrow at church.  But tonight is the prayer meeting I organized and I know that will help.  Pray that the roads here in Saint Louis will not be bad tonight, we got snow last night and are still getting some flurries.  But I digress..

I was lead to a normal looking exam room that had the sterile smell and was told to undress and put the gown on.  I was only 15 and never had been to a GYN exam before. I wrinkled my nose at the stainless steel implements laid out on the tray by the exam table.  Women, you know what particular interment I am thinking of. Remember the first time you saw it and how you felt the first time it was used on you? Multiply that anxiety by a 1000 and you will get a clue what I was going threw. To this day when I have an exam I make sure not to look at the trays they put out.

I would say a few weeks before our move to Wisconsin I had symptoms of an STD but my mom thought it to be  just a run of the mill yeast infection. You will recall in a previous post how well treatment for a yeast infection went over with me.  I was still under the impression that it was a yeast infection causing me such discomfort and when the abortionist came in to do a quick vaginal exam before the procedure I told him such.  The abortionist (I refuse to call him a doctor) was an old man, balding with a thin strip of white hair combed over, and had big glasses.  He was abrupt with me, and very insensitive.  He seemed to be going threw a normal routine and going threw it quickly with out any personal attention to me. I would like to say he took it easy with me knowing it was my first time but the exam was painful, likely partly due to the infection. He informed me that it was no yeast infection but an STD with a funny name that sounded like Trich to me. Trichomoniasis is the technical name for it. I was horrified, an STD!  Thankfully he said it is one of the STD's that is easily treated and would have no long lasting effects.

It is no wonder looking back now how I hated the first obgyn I had when I was pregnant with Zane. He was male also and I felt he was just as insensitive as this abortionist.  I am so glad we moved and I got a female obgyn who I just loved and wish I could of had all my children with her.

When the abortionist was done with his swabbing and poking and pushing on my stomach he left the room and I had another lengthy wait. I know clinics now are required to do an ultra sound to make sure of  accurate gestation time and development (so they know how to charge you) and it sickens me to say, also to make sure they got all the baby parts out afterwards.  If you ever know a women who is about to go in for an abortion, challenge her to have them show her the ultra sound, to turn it so she can see what is inside her or better yet encourage her to go to a PRC for a FREE ultra sound.  My abortion was almost 13yrs ago and I don't think an ultra sound was policy back then. I didn't get one. I didn't get that chance for my baby to audition for her life.

As I waited I was focused on how it sucked that my aunt an RN was not allowed to be back there with me, how I figured she knew all along she wouldn't be able to and just said that to get me there.  I was all alone in that room. I felt all alone emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Not that I was thinking of spiritual matters at that moment in time. God was the furthest thing from my mind. 

The abortionist re-entered the room this time accompanied by a nurse. They had me lay back and told me to relax.  I really was tense and scared.  I think I was borderline hysterical. The nurse assured me SHE would hold my hand the whole time but she wasn't all smiley about the idea.  The abortionist kept trying to get me to relax and explained the needle I was going to feel poke me inside, to help numb me. If it was supposed to alleviate any pain that is news to me. It only added to it. Then he brought forward out of the corner of the room a machine.  I noticed the machine before and was curious about it but didn't let myself really look at it. He attached it and started it up.  I remember it was a loud machine, and sounded like a vacuum. And really that is what it was, suctioning out my small tiny baby from my womb.  The pain I was not prepared for.  It was one of the most hurtful pains I had experienced in my life up to then.  Menstrual cramps X 100.  Basically labor pains with out the fruit of what labor is intended for.  I grabbed the nurse's hand quickly and was moaning out in pain. She tried to quiet me but I ignored her. Maybe I was just pissed off at my aunt or maybe I just didn't like the way the nurse treated me but my pain was to me severe and as I held the nurse's hand I faced her arm and out of instinct, not a conscious thing, I BIT HER.  Yes you read right. I bit the nurse holding my hand. She yelled out in pain herself and in shock.  I bet if she could of she would of slapped me, judging from the look on her face.  That ended the hand holding and any of that promised support from the nurse.

I don't remember how long it all lasted, but it wasn't fast, wham bam.. done.  Maybe because of the pain it just felt like a really long period of time.  After it was done the doctor un did the machine and rolled it out ofthe room.  I didn't dare look at it.  I am still fuzzy on the after part and if I lay on the table for awhile or if I was rushed to get dressed and taken to a recovery section of the clinic.  I still remember the unpleasant look on the nurse's face when she handed me a thick pad to put in my underwear. I embarrassedly told her I had not even thought about having to wear a thick pad after ward and had worn thin white underwear that did not support the pad very well.

I remember having to walk down a hall to the recover section of the clinic guided by the nurse I had bit .  It was a slow walk.. for obvious reasons. In the recovery section were a row of comfy like recliner purple plastic chairs.  I was sat down and monitored. I got incredibility strong chills and was shaking.  I felt like I was sick and had a fever too. A different nurse for that section of the clinic attended me and she was nice, much nicer than the other nurse.  She told me the chills were expected and covered me with a heated blanket.  I was in a fog by then but still aware of what was going on around me. I tried not to listen in on the conversation going on with the clinic worker and the college girl two chairs down from me.  But when the clinic worker sternly told the girl she had to stop coming there because this was not good for her body, this was her eighth abortion, use better birth control, I about died from the shock of what I heard! How could any one do that more than once, go threw all that pain.  I knew that what ever happen from then on I would never do this again.

When I was done with the recovery, at least the physical part of recover.. i am still recovering emotionally and spiritually from the abortion, I was discharged with a prescription and a referral for a follow up appointment.

On the ride home I was curled up in a ball in the back seat. Trying to forget all that had just happen and stuffing it down and away.  When we got home after the long car ride it was dark, way past after dinner time.  My brother and sister had Beth and her boyfriend over playing spades.  That was our favorite pass time.  I was taken directly to bed and my grandmother shoed everyone out of the house, Mary is sick and needs quietness, I remember her saying.

And that is where I am going to end today. That was very hard to write all out. I am sure it was very hard to read to.  Sorry. But it is the truth.

On Writing.. I SUCK..I SUCK..I REALLY REALLY SUCK(song adapted from some obscure AdamSandler movie)

OK. The Water Boy is not an obscure movie, but when I wrote the title for this post I couldn't think what movie it was.

A few days ago I DID get that book my mom had called me about. I failed to note it here because.. well I had other stuff going on right!  I tore into the vanilla envelope it came in with excitement. Aww Steven.. I thought we were threw! But you know my mom, always an avid fan of his and I did say I wanted this book of his.  Got to love my MOM, she is even trying to suck Zane into King's world with her Christmas gift of a pop up book based on King's, The Girl Who Loved Tommy Gordon.  I guess I am over how he ended The Dark Tower and this is not a fiction book. 

On Writing, may not be fiction but reading some of the antidotal stories from his childhood reads like horror. Poor guy.. no wonder he is twisted. LOL.  If I had a 200 pound babysitter sit on me and fart on my face over and over again I would probly be a nut job too. (jk I don't know if King is a nut job for real, I really do love him you know) 

I started to read it right away but with THREE forwards I  wondered if he would ever just get to it all ready!  With my handy dandy highlighter in hand I was ready to glean any pearls of wisdom this successful writer had to offer.  But then you know how life gets in the way and I had to put it down. *bla*  Tonight I got some quiet time and sat down with Mr King, with highlighter in hand again.  Josh thinks this is funny for some reason.  I think it reminds me of school daze and makes me thirsty to learn.

So I am reading this really informative book about King's life and about writing and highlighting thoughts that ring out to me and I realize.. I SUCK AS A WRITER AND WILL NEVER MAKE MONEY DOING IT! Why set myself up for rejection after rejection?

So thank Mr. Steven King for me quitting writing all together.. and that is the end. No more journal. Good bye.


YA.. AS IF!  You can't keep me away from my journal writing.  I was just Goshing ya.

But reading ON Writing and only being on  page 63 of 291, I do know that I have a lot of growth to do before I can remotely call myself a writer.  I think about that book I was working on, just siting in the computer file folder, all sad  and lonely, just waiting for major revision and rewrite and I want to just delete it. What's the point of finishing it if it will be rejected by an editor anyway? I look at all the awesome writers here in ~J Land, who I so respect and love, and I know they are more than I will ever be. I hear that song play in my head from above commented movie sung in choirs.. You suck, you suck, you really really suck!

Sure I love to write. But the most writing exercise I do is here and let's face it, it is not fiction, but real life, disorganized, after thought writing. I don't do poetry. I barely passed English and Composition in school (to my credit I was raising a brilliant baby boy, running a household and working). I AM the world's worst speller, my vocabulary could use a big kick in the butt and I must horrify Pat with my grammar.  I am a hack.  Where did I get this idea that I could be a writer?

Sure everyone here in Journal Land is a writer to some degree or why else would we be here?  But what makes some one a real bone-afied writer?  King suggest writers aren't made but are formed. He does say that he thinks a large number of people have at least some talent and that talent can be strengthen and sharpened.  So maybe there is hope for me yet?

Awww go away negative thoughts.. you mean demons.. shut up and leave me be!

I guess I am letting the negative voices attack in the area of writing so they will leave me alone in the others.  I guess this is my, oh poor is Mary, entry.

I can not even go into all the suckyness (great word huh) that has been going on this week.  I am trying to stay focused and positive and remember when I am at my weakest, The Lord is at his strongest in me.  Keep me poor Lord and dependant on you, you know how careless I get when I start to think we may actually pay the bills.  I won't call this week hungry week because nothing is in the cabinets.. no.. this is fasting. And he must figure I am spending too much time on the computer so the money I thought we would have for the phone bill and the DSL is being held for a time later, so I can sit and be still and undistracted. (plan on me making a lot of voice entries in the weeks to come, if I still have a phone) And there must be a reason why we can not keep two cars running and are down to one again. And Josh getting a ticket is a nice touch, he should of had insurance on it and had that tail light fixed after only having it barely a week.. silly him for being outside the law.

The Up Side, because there is always one as Barb will tell you, we did e-file our taxes and are getting more back then what Josh had figured on paper. I may acutely get that dental work done!!! But I am trying not to be to to hopeful about that and will refrain from throwing a party till the money does come in, the appointments set and the surgeon and dentists paid up front. Yeah!! I am really looking forward to two months with no teeth.

Ok enough of that.  I have entertained these demonic thoughts long enough. < : P

Friday, January 28, 2005

Ya!! I am cool!

Kara left instructions on how to make animations for the about me section.  And you know me.. I love her so much that I have to copy her and be cool. lol

so go look at my about me section.

All pics from last year. Not the most pretty but hey it works.

Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act.. from an e-mail from

Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act introduced in the U.S. House of Representative this week!

Did you know the unborn child has less legal protection from feeling pain than commercial livestock under the Humane Slaughter Act?

This is unbelievable…

But a new bill introduced this week would change this and give protection to unborn babies.

The Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act would require those who perform abortions on unborn children 20 weeks after fertilization or later to inform the woman seeking an abortion of the medical evidence that the unborn child feels pain during the abortion. This information would be provided through a verbal statement given by the abortion provider and by supplying the woman with a brochure – developed by the Department of Health and Human Services – that goes into more detail than the verbal statement.

The Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act would also ensure that the woman, if she chooses to continue with the abortion procedure after being given the medical information, has the option of choosing anesthesia for the unborn child, so that the unborn child’s pain is less severe.

This critical bill will highlight the horror of abortion and will help to stop abortions.

Click Here to let your Representative and Senators know how you feel about the pain unborn babies experience during these horrific procedures and ask them to co-sponsor and support this critical bill.

Take Action Today!

Congressmen and Senators listen to their constituents so it is very important that you stay involved and continue to contact your Congressman and Senators on key issues this year like the Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act.

God, I love this Man!

"I support you, but I can't understand it"

After the kids were sent to bed last night, and a pause from the comercials durning ER, I gazed at my husband as he clicked around his Biker Forum on the computer.  I bit my lip, thinking how to bring the subject up.  I think he has avoided my journal, but he knows what I have been writting on.  He shouldn't need to read my journal to know what is going on with me, I should just talk to him, I kept thinking to myself.

"Honey, do you plan on going to that "thing" with me next Sunday? And if so, are we taking the kids too?" I finally asked, getting his attentoin away from the computer.

"Ya! Ofcourse.  Unless You don't want us to come?"

"Noo I do, I do! I need you.  You have been wonderful.  It is just we really havn't talked about it, I kinda just do things with out asking how you feel about it."

"I know.  I support you, I know you need to do this, but I just can't ever understand it."

(I took that wrong, him not understanding.  WTH was there to understand right. But I have been dwelling on it for a month in my head and just asume everyone in the wolrd lives there with me and can read my mind)

"WHAT Does that mean! You can't understand why I have to do these things, why I have to talk about it, why I have  to be outspoken?!!!" Anger was starting to well up in me.  Maybe missed placed anger.

"NO, you took that wrong.  I don't know why we dont talk about it.  It happen before I even knew you. BUT  I do support your healing and Know you have to do these things as part of it.  But I can never begin to understand what you went threw or how deeply it has effected you. I don't think I will ever understand that"

Dang so much for that fight I was trying to pick. That deflated what ever I was thinking and tears started to well up in my eyes.  How did I ever come to deserve such a wonderful man?

What do I want more, undestanding or support.. or both?

It just isn't fair. Sometimes I feel like I am this broken person with all these issues, and he has to put up with me.  And he has become so good at it too. I shouldn't feel guilty for what happen to me in my childhood and teen years, I don't blame myself for them anymore but I feel like it isn't fair to him. He deserves so much better than me.

  I just need to remind myself that I do deserve his loveand support, that I am not a cracked clay pot anymore, that God is doing a mighty work in me and my life.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Questions from the book Forgiven and Set Free, A Post-Abortion Bible Study for Women

Here is a list of questions from the book Forgiven and Set Free that the post aborted women could ask her self to see if she needs healing.  If you know some one who may find this helpful, share it with her and if she answers strongly to some of these questions, encourage her to seek Post Abortion Counseling.

1. Do you find yourself struggling to turn off the feelings connected to your abortion, perhaps telling yourself over and over to forget about it?

2. When abortion is mentioned in public, do you find that you react physically, e.g., tightening your stomach muscles, clenching your jaw, or holding your breath?

3.Do you find yourself avoiding books, magazines, and television programs that deal with the subject of abortion? Do you change the subject in conversation that deal with abortion?

4. Are you affected by physical reminders (babies, pregnant women, baby clothes) of your abortion? Are you uncomfortable around children?

5. Are there certain time of the year you find yourself depressed, sick, or accident prone, such as the anniversary date of the abortion or the month in which the baby would of have been born?

6. Are you resentful and unforgiving towards anyone for his or her involvement in your abortion? This might include parents, boyfriends, husbands, the abortionist or friends.

7.Are you in a situation where you could find yourself faced with another unwanted pregnancy?

8. Do you find yourself rationalizing why you are better off without that child in your life today?

9. Has your attitude towards relationships changed? Do you find yourself avoiding relationships or becoming more dependent in them? Do you have difficulty with intimacy?

10 Did you begin to use drugs and alcohol or did you increase your intake following your abortion?

11. Have you experienced periods of prolonged depression? Do you have suicidal thoughts?

12. Have you experienced any peculiar reactions- hearing our baby cry, nightmares, flashbacks, hallucinations- relating to the abortion?

13. Have you felt a vague sort of emptiness leading to a deep sense of loss?    

14.When talking about your abortion, are you overcome with sorrow, anger or guilt?

15.Are you compelled to conceal your abortion from certain people in your life or are you compelled to tell many people about your abortion experience?

16. Do you find yourself striving to makeyour career, education or relationships succesful to prove the abortion was the right choice?

17. If you have children now, do you smother them with your love or overprotect them? Are you unable to boned with the child or children you have now?

18. If you do not have children, do you fear that you will never be able to have them? Do you fear you may have suffered physical harm as a result of the abortion?

19. Did you stop growing emotionally after your abortion? Do you find yourself repeating harmful patterns?

20. Are you denying yourself anything to punish yourself? Do you struggle with eating or other disorders?

21. Do you tend to look at life in terms of before and after the abortion? Has your self-esteem changed?

22. Are you preoccupied with the subject of death and dying? Are you preoccupied with thoughts of your aborted child?

23. Did your relationship with or concept of God change after your abortion? Did it bring you closer to God or turn you away from him?

24. Are the memories of your abortion more painful than the actual experience?

After finishing the questionnaire, you may be aware of other areas in your life that have been affected by your abortion. Record any other areas of your life that may have been affected

Part of a conversation

I want to write, but I keep holding it back.  I wish to skip it and get to how the Lord has brought Good from it all. To explain how he has indeed healed me and forgiven me.  But I can't glaze it over, it all has to come out in due time.  For some the time or season the abortion took place is the hardest but for me since I don't associate an exact date or month I let myself go threw the emotions in January, the month designated as Sanctity Of Life Month.  That is why last year I wrote so much on it and this year.  But this year I am excited to share and to be silent no more.  Last year I spat out facts and figures and famous quotes, it was not as personal.

I got a chance to tell a friend who I haven't been able to have any lengthy conversation with in a few weeks about Silent No More and how I will be participating in it.  I sent her the website first, because it is kinda hard to explain just off the top of my head. I invited her to come to the event with me, not to speak or stand but to just be there as support. I know this friend of mine is post aborted, we have had conversations about it before and I keep encouraging her to go to the local PRC for the post abortion counseling and Bible Study or do it with me since I have been threw it and I have the book. I even got her a copy of the book Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane.  But she is not ready I think.  She is still in avoidance.  She says she has given it over to the Lord and he has healed her but I know this study would help her so much.  I think the main thing is fear.  Fear of what her family would say if they knew she was doing something like that.  It is one of those deep guarded family secrets that never gets talked about.  Oh she can talk about Pro-Life issues and has taught her children what abortion is and how it is wrong but to talk about her own experience and the hurt she suffered, she can not.  Her comment about the women who are doing Silent No More was something along the lines that they have got Guts and Balls. (Yes she can be a bit brash at times lol) 

She asked if my whole family was going to attend it with me.  To be honest I have NO CLUE.  I really haven't talked to Josh about it or asked him directly to come.  My husband, who had nothing to do with me getting an abortion because it was before I knew him, has really been good to me during thistime.  I don't know if it is because he just doesn't know what to say or I haven't really opened up to him about it.  He went with me a few years ago when I spoke and gave a testimony at a service for aborted children and he held my hand. He provided a way for me to go to the post abortion counseling and stayed home with our  children when I went to the sessions. He understands that this is important to me.  It is also my way of appeasing his demand that I DO NOT go to the abortion clinics and stand out side of them but find another outlet.  Sometimes I wish this wasn't such an issue in my life, because I think it sometimes takes away from my family, because it is uncomfortable to talk about and I internalize it.  I know I need to change that. 

I told my friend that if my whole family went I would at least have to have a sit down conversation with my older children.  To her to tell her children about her abortion is unthinkable, it would be too scary for her.  She has raised them to be so pro-life she is afraid of their response. Plus she thinks frankly it is none of their business. I have read some articles off the Silent No More website about if and when you do talk to your children about your own experience how to go about it, but it is different for everyone.  I think Zane is mature enough to deal with it and maybe Annie. I remember telling them something about it along time ago but they were little. I have told Zane he has a big sister in heaven and he will meet her one day. His reaction was one of surprise but excitement that he would meet her in Heaven.  I told my friend that if and when I do tell my children about it that I want to make it a lessen in compassion and redemption.  To show that ppl suffer because of abortion and have deep hurts but also that threw Jesus there is healing and forgives.  That Jesus can forgive even the most guilty of sinners.  Also I do not want any of my children to repeat my mistakes and have them know that if they are in that situation that abortion is never an option to even think of.  Some of the things the website said to expect is anger, and confusion and maybe even them pulling away a bit but to let them process it and be open to always talk about it and answer their questions honestly based on their maturity level.

So with me going to talk in front of church this Sunday I am kinda preparing myself to talk to the kids next week. But ofcourse I want to talk to Josh first. See how abortion doesn't just affect the women and the child that was aborted, but the whole dynamics of her future relationships too?

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

These are starting to remind me of Anna's Monday Make Overs

I have written details about my experience at the "clinic" before. But as fiction. Once in my other less known about journal and once as a part of the Journal Land Novel but that one had a different outcome, the outcome I wish I would of had.  For the post aborted women the memories of the clinic and the act its self are the most painful and the most suppressed.  It is not something I look back on fondly and for along time just shoved it down deep. It is one of the most emotional and physically painful events in my life. Despite it's fancy decor and half smiling faces, I don't even think the workers like being there themselves.

So I guess this is my attempt to write about it openly, not as fiction but truthfully from my memory.  If any women reads this and is also post aborted, you may find this painful because it may remind you of your own abortion.  I beg you not to shove your memories down but to face them.  There is help out there for you to deal with this traumatic event in your life, where you can find forgiveness and start to heal.  Many crisis pregnancy centers offer post abortion counseling. Look in your phone book and find one. Believe me once you face your feelings, your hidden guilt and shame and grief, you can start to heal. Or e-mail me and we can talk more.

I was spared the hassle of calling around and finding a clinic myself and doing the pricing.  I am sure if I was told I had to go about doing that myself I would of right then and there said NO Way.  I am shy to this day about calling around to companies and asserting my needs, think how I was when I was 15. I wonder if there were Crisis Pregnancy Centers listed in the phone book back then like they are today right before the abortion clinics are.  I wonder if my mom or my aunt, I am not even sure who looked it up, saw them and paused at them.  I was totaly ignorant to how much it coast and all of those kind of details.

It seemed after it was decided that I was going to get an abortion it went fast.  Less than a week I think.  My Aunt drove up from out of state to take us.  I wasn't told what to expect or how it would go, just that this was a good thing. I seem to remember my Aunt saying my life will be all the better because of it.  My Aunt being a RN insisted she could be in there with me for the whole thing and hold my hand.  That thought comforted me alot and made it seem less scarry. Like I said in previous posts, I looked up to her and respected her greatly.

We lived in Northern Wisconsin and the clinic we went to was in Green Bay, I think. I don't remember it's name and wish I could talk to my mom about it, it would be interesting to see if I could get my records but I doubt they would give them to me.  I don't remember the exact date either. Just that it was the start of summer. It was a couple hour drive to the clinic from where we lived. My aunt drove us in her car and my mom was in the passenger front seat, I was alone in the back seat.  The radio played oldies rock n roll, the oldies station my mom liked so much.  I remember wishing I had brought my tape player imitation Walkman so I could listen to the only music that soothed me that whole summer, The Black Crowes.  I don't remember any chit chat or talk between my mom and aunt or me. It was a quiet ride except for the oldies music.

I remember it was a bright sunny day but on the inside of me it was raining. I wore sunglasses and felt so dramatic. Like I was going to a funeral and was in mourning. Did I think the sunglasses would hid my tears that were ready to fall at the drop of a hat?  After the long drive we finally pulled up to the clinic, the place where the appointment was set. My heart was already a steady thumb as we parked the car and walked around to the door of the brink building.  Ring Bell for Service a sign had said and a security camera looked down at us. Or was it more like a two way intercom, like they have in locked lobby apartment complexes? Either way it was a locked door and we had to be let in.

At first I did not notice them. I did not hear them as we walked around the building.  I was in a fog, telling myself it will all be over and done with soon.  There was a small handful of people a few yards from the building on the side walk.  The few seconds before a buzzer sound from the door let us in I glanced over at them but hurriedly looked away.  I just saw ordinary people with pleading signs and then in a booming male voice that still sometimes comes to me, crying out "DON'T KILL YOUR BABY. PLEASE DONT DO THAT TO YOUR BABY!"  My heart stopped at the sound of that voice, who was telling the truth, begging for my baby's life. I immediately started to cry. I didn't want to hear it, it cut me to the core and maybe if I had time to ingest that statement I could of found the courage to run.  My aunt mumbled under her breath but I could hear her, with hate in her voice she said "I was afraid this would happen." (nice of her to warn me that there were ppl like that but then she would have to explain why they were there wouldn't she) And then the door opened and we seemed to escape what at the time felt like insults and unsympathetic protestors.

My memory is dim on how the lighting and how the decor was in the clinic. It seems so grey to me now but I am sure it wasn't like that. I remember the plastic chairs that seemed like the kind you would find in a school gym during an assembly.  The waiting room seemed full of people. I sat as my mom signed us in and got proper forms. Not to far from me was a girl with pleading eyes next to what I assume was a boyfriend in flannel. Across from me was a young women with a mop top of dark blond curls with red eyes and a red nose from crying.  I don't remember any smiling customers in this place.  I remember being called up to the lady behind the bullet proof Plexiglas and slide more forms for Me to sign under the slit in the glass. The lady was very professional and I remember a sign that said NO Checks Accepted. All business.

 It felt like forever before I was called back behind another locked door that opened to a buzzer. Blood was drawn by a friendly chatty nurse who explained why they needed to take my blood and what tests needed to be run on it. HIV, RH Factor, Iron, and ofcourse to see if I was really pregnant. She stuck me like a pin cushion and then I was ushered back to the lobby for more waiting.  When it was time for me to go for the procedure I took my aunts hand and she walked with me to the doors that lead to the back hospital smell rooms. But once we got to the doors the lady explained ONLY patients was allowed back there and no one else, even if they where RNs.  My heart sank and I felt betrayed but I went threw those doors anyhow.

First I was brought into an office and "counseled" but I don't remember what was said, just that I wanted to get it done with at that point, the waiting was unbearable and the lady didn't try one way or another to sway me.  Just going threw the motions it felt like. Then again I was lead to what would look like any OBGYN's exam room and told to undress and put the gown on.  I had never had "women" exam before, so that added to my anxiety.


I have been trying to write this for over 3 hours. It is slow going and I know I know... I don't have to write about it, but I want to, need to. I will finish up later.  This is starting to feel like an epic novel, sorry to leave you hanging.

Abortion is NOT an acceptable form of Birth Control!

When ppl disagree with another their character really shows in how they regard the other.  Being called an idiot because of a comment I made, really doesn't hurt me, it just shows that person's character and their level of maturity.  I appreciate the fact that everyone will not agree especially on political issues or on religion and faith.  I respect everyone's right to vent and to write as they please, I encourage it. It is wonderful.  What a blessing these journals are to have a place all your own to write out what you feel, to share ideas. I don't leave negative comments, or at least I try not to.  If what I have written doesn't agree with the author, I state my side, my view but always say I am glad you wrote on this and felt you could be open about it, that you practice free speech.  If another commenter wants to call me an idiot and dumb.. that is fine.. they are practicing their right to free expression, but it shows their character. LOL like the childhood saying.. "I am rubber, You are glue, what ever you say bounces off me and sticks to you"

 There that is off my chest. I feel better.   : )

I guess it is a proven fact that if a lie is told long enough and loud enough people will come to believe it.  This whole lie about I have a  right over my body, if I don't want a baby growing in it I should have the right to murder it really pisses me off.  A child growing in the womb has it's own body, it's own DNA, own soul, own feelings, and can feel pain. It is separate from the women yet only dependent on her for a place to grow.  If that women didn't want a baby to begin with, well then we live in a day and age where we know how babies are created and how to prevent a fertilization of an egg.. abstinence the only perfect birth control.  If you don't want a baby.. then don't have sex! *GASP* oh that means people would have to be responsible, they would have to control themselves, oh the horror. It is not impossible. Yet the society we live in cheapens sex and makes it to be something you should have all the time, when ever, and how ever,with who ever, be selfish and damn the consequences.  Instead of telling people to take responsibility for their actions, sex resulting in the formation of a baby, take care of that child, or give it to a couple who will take care of it, No we tell them you don't have to, you can throw it away and forget about it. You have that right, is what we tell them.

If we go along that thought of we have a right over our own body, then that leads to the same thought ppl should be allowed to commit suicide, prostitution and on and on.. all things that are not right and good.  If some one wants to comit suicide, you get them help and counseling, prostitution illegal for good reason, it hurts ppl.

Oh and those ppl who say I wouldn't have an abortion but it just fine and dandy if some one else does, I don't want to take that choice away from them, get off the fence!  Why wouldn't you do it yourself? Because you know it is a child, not a blob of tissue, and killing it would weigh on your conscious.  Why should murder be a choice to anyone. The only difference between a child in the womb and the child 10 min. old  is stage of development and place of residence.  Dehumanizing a person just because of their place of residence or state of development is wrong, just like the dehumanizing of Jews in Germany by Hitler was wrong.  Saying I wouldn't have an abortion but don't think it wrong if another person does, is just like saying, I wouldn't kill a Jew but if  Hitler wanted to because he thought they was less then human that is fine.  Letting innocents be lead to the slaughter and turning a blind eye to it is not an excuse.

Yes I am aware that rapes happen and there are birth defects and rarely a women's life is in danger. I also know of women despite being raped have given birth and love and care for that child or have successfully given the child up for adoption. Why should a baby have to pay for the sins of it's father? And having an abortion is just like being raped all over again. It is a violation on the women's body and she will suffer the same emotions if not more intensified then she suffered threw with the rape in the first place. Women deserve better.  And come on lets be frank here and look at the numbers.. the reason for an abortion is hardly ever because of a rape or even because of birth defects or the women's health.

What a difference in my life if my parents had told me.. You are loved and valued, sex is beautiful between a husband and wife, your husband is worth the wait and so are you. Or even after I made the mistakes of having sex out of marriage if my mother had said... Well, we need to take responsibility for this child, the damage is done and we can not undo it, so lets start over from here and deal with it, instead of running from it.

Abortion should not be acceptable birth control.  And that is what people have come to use it as. It is not rare and unthinkable anymore.  When I was in recovery room from my abortion the girl next to me who looked to me to be college age was being told flat out by the nurse that she didn't want to see her again, that this was her 8th abortion!  It took me along time to wrap my mind around what I had heard because for me the first time was too horrible to even think about doing it again. But statistically the women going into the clinic is going for her second or third abortion.

When I read that statistically a teenager will be come pregnant again with in two years after her abortion,it was like a self filling prophecy.ANd when I did become pregnant again.. NO way could of done the same thing to that child that I did with my first, and I can hardly understand the women who goes in for repeat abortions.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Awww Talking to my MOM

Got to talk to my Mom today.  She had called me to see if I had gotten my gift she bought off yet.  NOOOOO! Aww MOM, you didn't have to get me anything else.  She had gotten me a charm bracelet and I had opened it at Christmas time.  Well what did you get me then? LOL She made me guess. She said it was something I had asked for. Humm.. What have I asked for that she could get off It had to be either a book or a DVD.  YOU GOT ME JEM ON DVD???!!! She scoffed.. NO (yep 28 and still asking for cartoons) Humm.. My brain isn't working today.  I have no clue.. she said it was a book I had asked for.  A BOOK? What book could I possible of asked for? Hummm.. Not a Stephen King Book?  I have read all of the series and I would feel bad if she had gotten me any of those.  I didn't like them THAT much.  She teased me.. Maybe..  Humm.. Ohhhhhhhh duh!  Stephen King's book: On Writing! I had seen that awhile ago on his website and told her about it.  Awwwwwwwww! That is so cool! 

Maybe between that book and reading Pat's What If Journal I will learn something about writing and write this great  novel and make millions of $$$$ lol ya right, first I have to finish my turn for The Journal Land Novel.

I hardly get to talk with my mom on the phone.. but we IM often.  She was waiting at the court house because she was called for Jury Duty and was waiting to see if she had been picked.  So we was catching up and shooting the breeze.  She gawked at me when I told her what I did with Marcy's Voice Mail message she left me on my Birthday. She said I AM TELLING her and she is going to kick your butt! LMBO ya ya well.. if you leave it on my voicemail it is up for dibs, I own it. I told her how Josh yelled at me for doing it at the time but it was too funny and cute not to post it in my Journal.  Josh refuses to leave voice mail messages for me now. heeheheehee.  And that got me thinking.. WOW I have been 28 for almost a week now.. dang that went fast.  AND it just dawned on me that I was suposed to renew my drivers licence on my B-day.. shoooooottttt.. Good thing I havn't been driving (Josh commandeered my van again because the truck is in the shop).  Our conversation got cut short as I heard her name be called #5. Ha Ha!


Ok so they may come and check my journal out so I guess they will see what I have been writing on lately.  My family hardly reads this thing but on the off chance they decide to now so they can laugh at Marcy, I just want them to know I LOVE YOU and always have NO MATTER WHAT! I guess I should of warned her about what I was witting but it didn't come up.

More Memories.. When I found out I was pregnat and how it was decided..

I love my mother.. I really do. When I think of her I think of softness, and sweetness. My mom never was forceful or loud, she was like the yin to my dad's yang so to speak.  My mom did the best she knew how with us, all mothers who love their children do.  At times she was my best friend in life, inviting me to read books with her and just talk.. hugs and love.  When I finally told my mom about the abuse I was suffering at 5, we were watching TV on the couch together, and she was the one who opened up the question.. If any one ever did that to you, you would tell me right.. And as I cried and told her what had happen she hugged me and made me feel safe, getting me proper counseling and taking us out of the situation.  So when I thought of my mom, I thought of Love and Safety.

Looking back on my Post Abortion counseling and reading some of the things I had written then, I can see why I had such anger towards my mother and my aunt.  But my anger was deeply suppressed and I was surprised by it. I was surprised that I had any strong emotions over something that happen long ago. I was angry because my mom, of all people should of been my protector, guided me better.  Angry that no other options were presented to me, or warned of just what I was doing and how it would effect me forever. Angry that if she knew the Lord like she claimed to how could she even of thought this could be a solution to our problems. But I just want to make it clear before I go into more memories, that I have come to forgive my mom and my aunt for any part they played in my abortion and that I have always loved them.  When you forgive some one, you let go of what ever you feel they owe you, you set it aside and move on not letting bitterness eat at you. When you forgive some one, you genuinely want for their own salvation and for them to know the forgiveness of the Lord like you know it. And that is what I have done.


We had moved in with my grandma in Tomahawk Wisconsin. I was so angry, so mad that we had moved from Las Vegas. Especially since it was the onset of summer, I wanted to do so much with my friends and I had been taken away from them and my home.  I was promised that it was just for the summer, until we could get back on our feet financially.  My dad had stayed in Vegas to work and save and eventually move us into a new apartment.

Living with Grandma was a big adjustment.  She was demanding and stirck.  For the first time we actually had to do chores and if we didn't she would be on our butts.  I remember how mad I was having to rake up pine needles from the yard, I put on the Black Crowes on as I raked and just reveled in my angry at the whole situation.  She would not let me sleep in or stay in the guest room all day vegging to music as I had planned. "Mary get up, if you sleep all day you will be depressed" What ever! I thought.. I AM DEPRESSED LET ME BE!  AND I FEEL SICK ALL THE TIME! LEAVE ME ALONE!

My Grandma lived far from town. Her house was off Somo Lake and the resort her and grandpa used to own but had later been sold. So there was little cottages in the woods and a lake to swim and boat on.  New owners had just moved in with their son who was a bit older than me.  I really didn't have any friends and there was no cable t.v. or corrner store to walk to, so with the kids who came to the cottages for the summer with their parents I would see how much trouble we could get in together. LOL not that there was much to do but stay out late, play spades, smoke cigarette.  The son of the owners had a girl friend who came up, and she was pregnant.  But they were keeping the baby and living with his parents together. He was still in HS and we rode the bus together later that year when school did start. I became friends with his gf.. Beth.  I remember the Irish Wedding Ring she valued so much and wore always. It meant alot to her, a promise that they would get married some day. So basically I was just being a 15yrd teenager, hating my situation, waiting for the end of summer to go home, dealing with what life had given me.

I never really kept track of my periods. I had gotten my first one Christmas Eve when I was 13. So two years wasn't much time to learn how to keep track and learn about the cycles and all that. I always knew that I would have mine soon after or during my mothers time of the month. I remember feeling hungry all the time, and never being satisfied.  I remember one night having this very big bowl of chocolate ice cream, gobbling it down and not 10 min. later eating a pickle. My grandmother commented then.. If you keep eating like that Mary you will get FAT. To me that was one of the meanest things she could of said to me.. I was sensitive about my weight.  I wasn't over weight but I wasn't bone thin either.  I had hips and breasts and was a contrast to my skinny friends back home.  I was over emotional and that really set me off. I went in my room crying myself to sleep. When I went shopping with my mom we were down the Female Hygiene isle.. it was her time of the month.  Also and this is almost as embarrassing as the abortion but I had this itch that would not go away.  My mom insisted it was a yeast infection and so as we was down this isle she purchased the over the counter medicine for it.(later I found out it wasn't a yeast infection but an STD)  I had paused at the home pregnancy tests. I was looking at them, starting to conect that I may need one.  I was contemplating stealing one but my mom walked up behind me and caught me.  With a bitter frown (not like her) she asked if we needed to buy one. I meekly shrugged my shoulders and answered I don't know.  With a heavy sigh she put it in the cart.  I knew she was disappointed with me already.

Later that night I had tired to apply the cream for the thought of yeast infection. I couldn't do it.  It was just too gross.  I got about half way threw and stopped.  I walked to my mom and grandma's room trying to tell my mom about it and as I went from the bathroom to their room everything started to turn dark and I felt heavy. As soon as I got to her door my legs gave out under me. I had fainted.  If you read the directions on those packages it clearly says DO NOT use if you are pregnant but I was still hoping I wasn't at that point but I think that is why I had fainted.

I remember putting off peeing on the Clear Blue Easy stick. It said on the package to do it first thing in the morning. I made the excuse that it wasn't first thing in the morning.  I don't remember actually taking it or how I told my mom.  She likely was right there with me as the results came in. 

I don't remember telling my Grandma but I remember a feeling that she got distant from me, avoiding me when I came in a room.  That hurt because despite hating being at her house I loved being around her.  She was an artist, a gardener, a musician.  When I was little she and grandpa hand taken me on trips and she encouraged me to draw and write.  I remember drawing a self portrait in pastels and showing it to her, wanting her to be proud of it and complement me but she just shrug her shoulders at it and went on with what ever she was doing.  I hung it up anyway, I thought it was good and deserved displaying.  When she had died a few years ago I got the long forgotten portrait back, she had kept it up all those years.  I cried because I thought she hadn't cared.

My mom knew I hated being in the back woods. To appease me she brought home a kitten the first week we moved in. He was white and gray.  He had a gray spot on the top of his head that looked like an M to me.  I named him Mickey because of the M.  When my mom had sat me down to talk at the kitchen table I had Mickey in my lap. I was holding him and rubbing on his head that produced purrrrrs that soothed me.  I was nervous and scared.  I knew this was a big deal but the gravity of it all still had not fully hit me.  I couldn't comprehend what all it would entail to have a baby grow in me or what it would mean to my life.  I just knew that everyone was disappointed with me. I had made things worse for our family. Our conversation went something like this.. "Mary what are we going to do?  We can not afford a baby, I don't think we can keep it".  "I know. (head looking down avoiding eye contact) But what can we do then.  I know I can barely take care of my cat much less a baby" (heavily stroking Mickey who was trying to get away at this point). "Well, I can not tell you what to do. It is your choice." "If it grows in me, I don't think I can just give it away" (totally selfish and not true, I was just afraid)  "Aunt Dana said she would come up and take you to get an abortion. We have to hurry up and decide, the further along you are the more expensive it will be" (I had no clue what abortion was really)  And that is about all I remember from that conversation.

My aunt Dana in my eyes was well respected. She was my mom's older sister. She was a RN and then later taught at a Collage and my Uncle became the Dean for the Pharmacist department. They had a nice nice house that we had just visited on our way up to Grandma's.  Her two children did well in school and was getting ready to go to college themselves.  I often wonder and got the sense that she looked down at my mom a bit and our whole side of the family for that matter, that my mom had not done as well as she had.  I remember thinking she was cool and out there, liberal from over hearing political conversations the adults had. I looked up to her. So if she approved of it that pretty much sealed the deal for me.

I'll Save the rest for later.. this is getting too long and it is late.

Monday, January 24, 2005

32nd March For Life..

The year 2005 marks the 32nd anniversary of the U.S. Supreme Court's 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling that plagued America with abortion-on-demand. It will also mark the 32nd time thousands of Americans come together to protest the decision in our nation's capital. 

Flipping threw all these new channels I have now because of satiate TV I am surprised only ONE out hundreds has any consistent coverage of this event. (the Catholic Channel) None of the major news channels has anything that I have seen talking about it.  Should I be so surprised? I guess not. If it wasn't for alternative media I wouldn't even of heard of the death of the young girl because of the RU-40 pill last year and the FDA resistance of pulling it.. their solution, a little warning on the packaging or how all these studies have linked abortion to breast cancer and other vital info about why Abortion is so so harmful.. not just to a baby but to the women. It is no wonder so many people are so complacent or lukewarm towards this issue.. even when faced with the statistics people don't want to believe it because the major Media refuses to report on it and ignores people like me who are Pro-Life or they cast us in a light to make us look like nut jobs.

30 years after it became lawful to have an abortion at any stage of pregnancy and for any reason the number is now 43 MILLION. That is 1.4 million a year, 4,000 a day, 165 per hour, 1 abortion every 23 seconds!  One out of 4 conceptions in the United States are terminated, 25% of our population.

I take that back.. I just saw one  minuet blurp on Fox News Channel.. but ONE MINUET.. WHERE THERE OUR THOUSAND AND THOUSANDS of people marching.

But we all know my distrust for the media.. not just because of this issue.  You really can't believe how reporters and news organizations really are until you have first hand contact with them. *deep heavy sigh*

Moving on but to a connected subject.

Sunday church was wonderful.  This new Pastor really is GOOD! LOL  The message Sunday was about opening and using the Gifts God has given you.  He held a wrapped box in his hand to illustrate his point.  He also used the example of a Super bowl commercial from when that movie Castaway was popular.  A man who is the castaway fed ex guy finally delivers the package he had held on to all those years, and upon delivering it he asks what was in it.. and the lady says oh nothing really.. Just GP Satiate phone, water, seeds, flashlights, matches... you get the point.  He had all he would of needed if he would of opened the package. 

In each believer God has given gifts of the Spirit.. yet many do not use them or operate in them.  Some think these gifts were just for biblical times but they are for all times, some just plain don't know they have these gifts dormant in them. And other use excuses not to use their gifts, fear, jealousy, anger, presumption.  The Pastor just did a wonderful job and very encouraging.  He said, if you Know what your gifting is, use it, run with it, don't wait for prompting from leadership, if you have a talent, run with it, or a ministry, go for it, full fill what you are planted here to do.

Why do I mention all that? One, it is good for me to remember and reflect overwhat I have been fed. But secondly, it only confirmed in me what I must do. It was encouraging.  I have been having some anxiety over getting up next Sunday and speaking to my church about Silent No More.. you know how the devil likes to throw those doubts in your mind.  Idid ask for prayer, for God would give me the strength to step out and do what HE wants me to do.  Some times I just want to hide, be quiet, no one want's to hear what little old me has to say, I am an ineffective speaker, I hear little reminders of how in the past I have tried to speak up or do something and have been pushed aside or my plans never come to happening.. but that is not the truth, that is not the voice of truth.

I have been e-mailing back and forth between the coordinator with Silent No More for our local event and we have the prayer meeting set for this Saturday. This is the first time I have set up an event at my church so I am ofcourse hoping it all goes well and with out a hitch. More more importantly I hope we can pray for each other and encourage each other, that we can stand tall this Feb 6th and have no fear about what we are doing.  That we will be obedient to what the Lord has called us to say about abortion and our own experiences. That many many many will have the ears to listen and be effected.

Proverbs 24:11-12

 If thou forbear to deliver [them that are] drawn unto death, and [those that are] ready to be slain;


 If thou sayest, Behold, we knew it not; doth not he that pondereth the heart consider [it]? and he that keepeth thy soul, doth [not] he know [it]? and shall [not] he render to [every] man according to his works?


One  abortion every 23 seconds.. What are you doing out about it???!

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Am I THAT easy to talk to??

Children bring interesting people into your life.  That was how I met Kathy, because Zane was in her daughter's class at Head Start. And If any of you have read my testimony you know how that relationship bloomed and was a big part in my receiving Christ as my Lord and Savior.

Again today I met some one new, because of my son befriending a classmate.  Well actually, Annie is also in the same class as the sister to this friend, so it is like a double whammy... Coincidence.. I DONT THINK SO.

Zane's friend from class has been calling for a few weeks now, trying to get Zane to play with him at his house or ours.  But the boy always seemed to call at inconvenient times and I admit I kinda brushed it off.  I have a thing about kids talking on the phone.. to me it seems like a teenager activity and we all know how I want to keep my babies babies but I am living in my own little world I guess lol We are very secluded since we don't live in a subdivision so my children don't have that many opportunities to play with kids out side of our group from scouts and church. I am glad he has found a friend to play with.  The poor Zane is surounded by girls and needs a boy to be a boy with.

Josh answered the phone when the boy called today and asked for Zane. He was over joyed that he finally got to talk on the phone and not two min. into the conversation he comes up to me and asks if he could go over to his house and play.  I remember being a kid.. and how I would ask friends over with out consulting my mom first so ofcourse I had to ask to speak to the mother before anything was decided. "Hi I am Mary, Zane's Mom.. lol What is your name" (it is always good to be on first name bases with your children's friend's mother)

She was nice and had no problem with Zane coming over to play, she said she could pick him up since they was heading out to go shopping real quick and we are on the way.  I know there are a list of questions you should ask before you just let your kid go over to new peoples homes.. like do you own a gun, if so is it locked up, and bla bla.. but my mind was blank and I really didn't feel any concern but I did get all the important numbers.. what did ppl do before cell phones?.  My main worry was my house is a MESS and they would be here in a matter of minuets.  I am in the middle of putting Christmas decorations away (yes I know..tisk tisk) and I don't want any one over till that is done..oh and all that laundry sitting on the couch and the big stack of dishes.  We all know I stress about my house when ppl come over lol.  So I met them outside before they had the chance to come to the door.  HOW BAD IS THAT? LOL!!!  It was buck cold out and I did not have my jacket on!!  This is when we realize that Annie is in the same class as the sister and asked if she could come too. Oh if you could of seen the boys faces!! TOO FUNNY!

It was decided that the kids would eat dinner over and I would call when I was ready for them to come home.  I called over to the my children's friends house around 7:30 to see if they was ready to come home. NO OFCOURSE NOT.. they was having fun.

This is when I would normally expect to end the conversation with the mom, after checking first that my kids were being good.  I didn't even have to ask.. she complimented me on how well behaved they are and so polite. LMBO She also cautioned me that if her kids did come over Not to expect them to be as good as my kids are. Um Ok.. I am used to that.. I get that a lot from other parents for some reason.  And I always say.. they are only like that in public, they are not that good at home. (ok that maybe a half truth.. my children are for the most part well behaved at home too, it is what we expect out them so that is what we get but I don't like to rub it in).

I was enjoying talking with this new person about our kids and school and ohh the boys are both in the Choir Club, they are singing the National Anthem for the local minor league hockey game tomorrow night. Before I know it is 8:00. Josh is starting to glance over at me and give me goofy looks.. oh no Mary has a new friend to yack with.  Josh also has this annoying habit of listening in on my phone conversations and interjecting his own comments and asking questions threw me to the person on the other end.  I don't mind that so much.. saves me time from explaining everything or repeating everything to him later lol but my friend Big Amy hates it when he does that and she always teases me that if I repeat our conversation to him with her on the phone she will hang up out of protest. LOL.

This new person is very easy to talk with, but still I am shy and it often takes me a few times upon talking and meeting some one new to really feel comfortable talking about the deep stuff. Not her.. basically I know her whole life story.. some things I will not repeat but I can tell this is a sad women, maybe a tad lonely, and she has many hurts but she is also working hard to become an RN and loves her children and her husband. (these are just first preceptions mind you) To be honest I am shocked she opened up and told me all that she had but I don't mind. It helped me understand the dynamics of her life and her family. Before I knew it was almost 9:00 and my cordless phone was beeping because the battery was about to die.

 I go to pick the kids up and am waiting and waiting for them to get it together.. Zane is hiding, he doesn't want to come home ( I think his new friend put him up to that) and mom is showing me around their house.  I loved her house if you ask my opinion, but she wants to move and can't wait till she is done with school and has a good RN job so they can get a better house.  I also got to meet her husband and he seems nice also. We are going to ride together to the hockey game since it will be just Zane and I going, they have a parking pass and that is good cuz I didn't plan on paying for parking.  Mom walks me out.. because she wanted to sneak a cig.. she had just started back up and her kids are giving her grief about it lol so ofcourse I couldn't let her stand out there alone and I had one with her and let the kids play for a few extra min.  Long story short it was just past 10 when we got home and they live two minuets away.

So as you can see.. I have a new friend and the older kids have playmates their age and in their class.  It is funny how I am the exact same age as their mom and we both had our kids at the same time and got married young.. too much in common.  There is NO doubt in my mind this family has been planted in my life for a reason. I just was not expecting it, that is all.  I feel like maybe I am Kathy this time and this mom is me or how I used to be, old me.. you know role reversal. I love and care about these ppl instantly ofcourse.  I will have to pray and ask God to guide each conversation and give me wisdom and discernment and also help me over come my shyness. Why can't I be as bold and confident and articulate in my offline life as I am with my online one?

Friday, January 21, 2005

Less Like Scars...


Thanks Rach for the Tag.

Sara Groves: Less Like Scars

It's been a hard year • But I'm climbing out of the rubble • These lessons are hard • Healing changes are subtle • But every day it's... • Less like tearing more like building • Less like captive more like willing • Less like breakdown more like surrender • Less like haunting more like remember • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars and more like character • • Less like a prison a prison more like my room • Less like a casket more like a womb • Less like dying more like transcending • Less like fear, less like an ending • • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • • Just a little while ago • I couldn't feel the power or the hope • I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing • Just a little while back • I was desperate, broken, laid out • Hoping you would come • • And I need you • And I want you here • And I feel you... • • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And more like character • •

Why I will be writting about it...

Thank you sweet friends for your encouragement and kind words and prayers.  My last post was me revisiting some of my memories.  Believe me when I say I do know I am forgiven for all I have done and I do not bare that old guilt and shame anymore. If I did I surely could not write about it so openly. God is so awesome and I am thankful for all he has done in my life. When I write on these things, and I am going to because this is what is going on with me right now, I am not fishing for comments or sympathy, I just need to write to get it out of me.  But I do invite comments, it is nice to get feed back sometimes.  I share because many do not realize all the pain that goes along with that choice called abortion.  I write because I want to share my story and show my point of view and perhaps open eyes along the way.  I write because it is part of my healing, to be able to bear what is hidden deep and bring it to light and see what it really was.  I write because God has enabled me to write about it.

That last post focused on the father, Chris. I don't know what would of happen if I had kept the baby, never will.  But there was other options never presented to me that could of been taken.(and yes I am angry I wasn't shown another way)  Adoption is a wonderful gift and if I could of had time to wrap my mind around the idea maybe we could of gone that way. Or if I had kept the baby, that doesn't necessarily mean having a relationship with the father, he wouldn't have to of felt trapped as suggest.  Either way there are better choices to make then abortion, aka killing the baby.

 I was thinking about my post abortion counseling I had gone threw.  One of the questions was how you felt about the father, what was his role.  At the time I did not give him much thought at all. He really played no part of the decision, he really had no say.  I think he may of been passive aggressive that way, but maybe not.. society says this is only a women's issue, men have no say or rights.  And that is bull!!!  Another lie.  I have seen men grieve and cry for the child that was aborted, for that lost opportunity to be a father, to know their flesh and blood was cast aside so carelessly.  Men suffer too.  I have known of men who suffer because they did play an active role in it, even pushing for it and later after they came to realize what was lost and could not be taken back, that shame, that guilt eat at them.  Men are built to be the protector and provider and abortion goes against all those things.  Just as women are made to be nurturing and life givers, abortion goes against that instilled instinct.


I don't want to sound like a broken record in my journal and be boring, but hey this is my place lol. And my regular readers know this is not all I write on. It is just with having to give my testimony soon I am leaning heavily on things I learned when I did the post abortion counseling and Bible study.  You think you can put it behind you and get past these things.. and for the most part I have with the Lord's help but some times it is good to revisit the past, to remember how it was, to see just how far you  have come.. and boy I have come along way but I think I have more to go still.  It doesn't hurt so much anymore to talk about it or think about it.. like the song I just love says.. Less Like Scars More Like Charter.  I am planning on getting that song and posting it soon.

I tend to internalize these things and this is the place where I can let it loose.  Some things I just can't say out loud yet, some things I just cant talk to Josh about. (and yet I can in a public journal that I know he reads.. go figure)

Like the thoughts about how it was just my birthday.. I didn't say what I was really thinking.. She deserved to have a day of birth too.. but I never gave her that.  Or like how today I was noticing how big my son is getting. He is almost a young man, getting ready for puberty soon. That in of itself is scaring me.. a teenager, yikes, where did my little baby go? (ok he has a few more years before he is really a teen but it goes fast)  As I was looking at him I thought, She would be a teenager now, she would be a big sister.  I hugged him tight, wishing he was still a baby, but also I was giving my son a hug that I will have to wait to give to Beautiful when we meet in heaven. 

These thoughts shadow me now and then.  Sometimes it comes on strong and I am struck and some times they just creep in and I invite them to stay.  It is loosing a child, mourning that loss.  If one of my children who are alive today had died, God forbid, imagine the grief I would be going threw.  The only difference is that kind of grief is OK in society, it is recognized, but the grief over an aborted child, no one sees that because it is not talked about,it is hidden pain, it is ignored or people don't want you to grieve about it, they will say things like..oh honey you did what was right for you at the time..don't feel bad or they may think.. you didn't want the kid then, why are you crying about it now.  THAT drives me crazy.. because I DID NOT do what was right for me or what was right for that child at the time.. it was WRONG then and it is WRONG now.

When you live out of God's will for your life there are consequences that effect you and others long after the fact.  I am living with those consequences now.. almost 13 years after.  But I am also living with forgiveness and knowing I am loved and am set free from having to feel shame, that Jesus took that upon himself on the cross.


Thursday, January 20, 2005

What's Been Milling Around In My Head.. past memories

When I have talked about my abortion I often focus on the baby or the impact it had on me.  I have almost never talked about the father.  I don't know why.  It was his baby too you know!  I guess I needed to heal first before I could even consider him.  Also it is hard to remember a time when I was with any one but Josh.  I love my husband so much, he is the center of my world, next to God.  He knows he was not my first and that I had several sexual partners before him (how shameful that sounds now) and I know I was not his first either.  It is just not something we talk about.  If he reads this I want to remind him again how I wish I had waited for him, how wonderful he is and that old me was so stupid and selfish.  I cried after we had sex as a married couple, I don't know how to explain it any better then it is different, it is more special, it means something.

Beautiful's father is named Chris.  He was a one night stand. I was moving away to Wisconsin from Las Vegas, I was on the rebound from a relationship that was destructive and on and off again.  I was a self centered 15 yrd.

When I first met Chris I was just moving in to our new apartment.  A downstairs neighbor boy had befriended me and was showing me around the complex that included a pool and club house.  He pointed Chris out to me and referred to him as Eddy Munster.  Chris was a wacky dropping acid stoner guy and ya he did have some what a resemblance to Eddy Munster lol. But over the year I lived there he kinda blossomed from scrawny to build and confidant. Deep brown eyes, shaggy brown hair, cupid lips and always always dressed in black.  He was the dare devil of the apartment complex, he was the one always in trouble ofcourse with the law. (how is that I always got involved with those types?) I didn't really know him well, just from his reputation.  The first time we really hung out was when a group of us broke into a vacant upstairs apartment and held a importune party.  Chris was stoned and dropping acid.  He was doing flips off the balcony and freaking the crap out of me and everyone else.  The balcony was very high up you know.. dummy could of broken something.

At that time I was with Mike. I will not waste time describing him, just know I thought of him at the time as the love of my life and was waiting for him to get out of the boys juvenal jail he was in. Oh the long love letters and the silly things I would dream on for when he got out.  He did get out, it was not all magic and finally I got a clue.  But some how or another while he was IN Chris and I had became friends, just friends.  We would walk to school together here and there, skip at his apartment with friends.  He never was a love interest for me. Oh we flirted, but that was how I was, I flirted with everyone.  He had asked me out once and tried to wooe me sort of, but I insisted I loved Mike and that was that.  To my HORROR, when Mike got out some how him and Chris became friends and started hanging out together. Thick as thieves as the saying goes. Crazy. Remembering kissing Mike in the hot tub with Chris looking on, knowing he liked me, basically I was torchering the guy for no other reason because I COULD.

Mike and I broke up before all this other drama came upon my family.  It boiled down to my family hated him and he hated them.  I loved my parents and couldn't stand him talking crap about my mom and dad. WE had a very loud brake up in the apartment complex.  When he shoved me agents a wall, that was the END.  He still tried to hang around but I avoided him and locked myself away in my apartment.  Then my parents was kidnapped and forced to drive to their work to be robbed, the SECOND TIME.  That was it for them, they quit their jobs and mom moved us to Wis. and dad stayed to get us on our feet again so we could move back.

It was just before the start of summer.  I HATED the idea of moving to the back woods and protested deeply.  Before I left I had an old friend from JR High come and visit. We lived on opposite sides of town so we never saw each other.  I wanted to show her a good time and show her how cool and popular I had become lol. Knock Knock on Chris's door. He and a friend was more than happy to drive us around and his friend used his older brothers ID to buy Strawberry Hills.. how many teens have gotten in trouble off of that stuff lol.  We decided to go up to Red Rock, drink up there and take in a sun set.  The climb was more than I had bargained for but it was lovely up there on the high cliffs that over looked Las Vegas and the desert. We drank our wine, BSed.  My friend was not into Chris's friend at all and she was ready to go. Not me.. I didn't want to go home yet and then Chris started kissing on me. Then our friends went down to the car as we stayed up there to make out.  I had no intention of having sex with him but I was doing that whole escaping thing and wanted to stall on going home to reality.  That whole NO means NO thing kinda was out the window and I just gave in.  I wont say I was raped but I certainly had not wanted to really sleep with him, but being drunk and not thinking, I had stopped pushing him away and just let it happen.  Gawwd knows I had teased that boy to no end the whole year.  And that is how and where Beautiful was conceived.. but I had no clue at the time.

I moved but no strings attached to Chris, we didn't become a couple. We did promise to keep in touch and hang out when I got back into town.. I was told it was just for the summer at the time.

When I did figure out I was preggers (a story for later) I knew it was Chris's, not Mikes.  Would that of made a difference if it was Mikes? YES, to me at the time it would of. I had wished it was his, even though we had broken up, I felt more for him then I did for Chris.  A baby with him would of meant something. But not with Chris, a one night thing.  My mom asked me if it was Mikes, because she had said in all likely hood my dad would go looking for him (that was a scary thought to me) and ask him to help pay for the abortion.  For a week I let her believe that it was his but it ate at me and I finally broke down and told her it couldn't be his.

I had called Chris and gulped as I told him I was preggers, it was HIS, and that I was likely getting an abortion. If only he had reacted strongly, if only he had said no, that is my baby, please don't.  But He was just a stupid kid too. And apparently this was not his first child, two other times he had gotten girls pregnant and they had gotten abortions.  He didn't push for it one way or another.  He said he was just numb, in shock.  I didn't really talk to him after that until I returned back to Vegas.  But I did cry alot.  I cried as I told Mike that I was pregnant and that it was NOT his. Mike cried too.  Why I even bothered telling him I don't know, but I know if it would of been his he would of at least FELT something about it.

When I did get back to Vegas I called Chris, he had moved around but some how I got ahold of him.  I had shoved the shock of the abortion deep down and him and I never talked about it. We started dating kinda but he didn't live very close and it was a pain in the butt to see each other... why I tried with him I will never know.  Maybe out of guilt and wanting to keep a connection to my baby.. well and he was HOT too.  After he had stopped calling me I gave up and moved on to better things.  He claims he couldn't find my new number and asked why I didn't call him. What ever.  The only other time I called him was to yell at him for giving Mike my new number.  I had started seeing Josh and just wanted to drop all that old stuff and move on.  And Chris and I have never spoken since.

I only wonder about him now.. if he is a father now, married, or is he in jail, rehab. I wonder if he thinks of me and the baby we had.  I wonder if he thinks of the baby at all. I robbed him of something, fatherhood.  We will never know what we could of been capable of because we never gave it a chance.  He had it in him to be a father, he was good with my friend's little brother and his siblings kids.  I know I may of painted him askew with my memories I just wrote out, really he was a wonderful person who did stupid things.  If I ever do talk to him again I want to ask him so many things, but above all for fogginess.  He was into Satanism and such but I pray he has come into a relationship with the Lord.