Monday, August 30, 2004

Praise Report and good bye for now..

So? I am really going to do this huh? A whole week with out my journal? lol and with out chat? YES, Mary you can do it.  You can do all things threw Christ.  Right! (hoping I will make it back for the B2B chat lol)

Before I go.. I see that I have negletcted to write about a big blessing my family recived Sunday.  It is almost embarassing but I have to give the Lord priase or the rocks will cry out.

Ofcourse there is a background story lol so here we go..

Our plates was up in July for our only working car and it needed some work before we thought it would pass emissions and saftey.  So we had it in the shop and all that.  One of our pastors let us use his full size van this month.  Oh it has been so nice.  We fit nicely in it lol. but I am not so used to driving something THAT big.  Anyways, things come up and we ran out of the money we thought we would have to do the plates, plus pay the back taxes, and bring our ins. current.  So the car has just been sitting there, but we perfectly indend on getting it renewed.  We had planned on doing it this week.  I was suposed to make all those calls while Josh was gone but never could seem to get it all together.

We kinda knew that our car is a junker lol and probly wouldn't pass anyways but we had plans.  Ok so here is God's blessings.. Some one donated a '95 Arostar to our church to give to us!  I am so blown away!  I have been missing my van so badly and wishing we had a second car so I could do my stuff during the day and not be stuck home till Josh got home.  It is a pain to do shopping at 4 just before dinner time!  But this van is even more than I could expect!  It has AIR CONDITION!  IT HAS AIR BAGS!  IT HAS TWO CHILD SEATS BUILT IN!!  WE ALL FIT AND THEN SOME!!!   Thank you Lord!!

Yesterday we did get ins. online lol so that is settled, but ouch.  And today Josh did take our old car to get the saftey and emmisions.  It passed saftey but flunked the other one! gurr... And Josh did mentchen that the van may need to get some work to the power steering, but still drivable!  So if anything we will have one car that works.  lol..

God always amazes me.  Even before I can ask he provides for my family.  We are never in want or need for the important things.  Speaking of.. talking with Josh's mom the other day she said she told a dentist at her church about my situation and he said when we come over there for the family reunion that he could give  me a look and see what he could do and work out!!!  NOW that would be awsome!  Because I did not see how God was going to work that out, but he always has a plan.  Just give it over to him and rest.

Speaking of rest.. I am officaly off giving my journal one.  Leaving you with a song I heard today in the van (has am and fm and a tape player!)

Howie Day: Collide

The dawn is breaking 

A light shining through

You're barely waking

And I'm tangled up in you

Yeah I'm open, you're closed

Where I follow, you'll go

I worry I won't see your face light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes Even the wrong words seem to rhyme Out of the doubt that fills my mind I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet, you know

You make a first impression

I've found I'm scared to know

I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes Even the stars refuse to shine Out of the back you fall in time I somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here

I've lost my place

I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes Even the wrong words seem to rhyme Out of the doubt that fills your mind You finally find, you and I collide

You finally find You and I collide

You finally find You and I collide

Going off line..

Been thinking about doing this for awhile now.  I need to get some stuff done around here and get some things straightend out.  I need to find that balance again.  So after tomorrow I will be going off line for a week.  That is going to be sooo hard.  I will at least read my mail by ABP but I think I will refrain from posting here.  AND THAT WILL BE HARD.  I will miss all my online friends and family.  I feel so close to many of you here.  For those select few who have my phone number, if you need me, I MEAN NEEED ME, do not think a second thought about calling me.  Josh will be ok with it.  He knows I am friends with lots of ppl and that some of us lean on each other now and then.  I think I will do one more post tomorrow before I go and then that will be it for a week.

Please keep me in prayer.

OMG OMG.... The Lovely Bones!!!

The Lovely Bones OMG... OMG... OMF-ING-G!!!!!  

   I can't even know where to start in talking about this book!!!!

  A friend recomneded it to me when I was asking about books.  I got it from the library the other day when they called to say it was in.  It has just been sitting here begging to be read.  I picked it up this morning in the quiet moments before the kids got up. 

  I was so unprepared for this book! I still am unpreapred I think..

  I am only on page 41!  I just want to die!


  I was told it was about a girl's murder but it was a good book.  OK.. I can read that, I read about ppl getting killed all the time. WRONG!

  It is not to to graphic but still.. It is told from the murdered 13 yrd girl's Point Of View.  I had to put it down and cry at least 3 times already, if not more..  Any one who can read this book and not cry by chapter 3 has something wrong with them!

  Ohhh and it is sooooooo beautifuly written too!  Here are some gems that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.  

 Behind the title page:

"Inside the snow globe on my father's desk, there was a penguin wearing a red-and-white-striped scarf.  When I was little my father would pull me into his lap and reach for the snow glove.  He would turn it over, letting all the snow collect on the top, then quickly invert it.  The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin.  The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him.  When I told my father this, he said, "Don't worry,Susie, he has a nice life.  He's trapped in a perfect world."

  Chapter 1 page 5:

"In my junior high yearbook I had a quote from a Spanish poet my sister had turned me on to, Juan Ramon Jimenez. It went like this: "If  they give you ruled paper, write the other way"  

 page 8  "Exactly,"she said, and made her point simply as that.  There wasn't alot of bullshit in my heaven"  

 Page 20: "Nothing is ever certain," Len Fenerman said."  




Sunday afternoon visit..

Sunday after Church we went over to Riley's for a visit and to bring him some lunch and to maybe lift his spirits.  Here is some previous posts about him if you need the back ground story. (((((LOVE YOU RILEY)))) 

Riley has just gone threw a surgery (cover eyes for you sensitive guys) He had a "very large growth" on one of his testicles and the docs ofcourse couldn't determine if it was cancers or not, so they just took the whole testicle. OUCH!! And being afraid of hospitals Riley decided to do it as an out patient thing!! MAN!  We are hoping that this has been the root of some of his major health problems for the last year.  So he has been home bound and I have been trying to be a good friend and lift his sprits everyday on the phone.  He said he would be up for a visit Sunday so my family headed over there after church.

It is weird to go back over to that neighborhood after not living there for 2 yrs. As they say you can never go back home.  When we lived there I was perfectly happy to be there and thought nothing too bad about the neighborhood.  I was really resistant when God had lead us over to where we live now, almost 35 min away on the hwy. and a much different kind of "hood".  I can now see what a step up our move was and how much of a blessing it was.  I don't want to sound like one of those ppl so I will stop and get on with my story. 

We had a really good visit with him. It was a tad uncomfortable for me, seeing him in pain and knowing he would have a fit if I tried to mother him or care for his physical needs. Pride is something this man has, too much sometimes.  And ofcourse since he is old enough to be my father he won't always listen to me lol but we like to verbally smack each other around (playfully).  The kids did good too.  Normally they will run and jump on him without a care, they love him so much. But they followed my warning that he had a big boo boo and it would hurt him if they did that.  Annie never left his side and she so wanted to hug on him.  We had

for lunch. mmm Hawaiian BBQ... (my brother used to work there when he lived with us and it is like the only one close by, we need one here in O'Fallon badly)

Riley's wife/room mate was home.  It is always kinda strange when she is.  I am trying to find a way to get her to open up and to relate with her.  They are married but not.. I know I am confused too.  They got married when they was very young and had one daughter together.  When Riley started loosing his sight he went out to CO. for the school they have to train blind ppl.  While he was gone, I take it was a very long stay, Joy's twin sister died and she took it HARD.  She had separated from Riley and moved in with her sister's husband, and drama, had an affair.  This ofcourse confused and broke Riley badly.  They spent years apart but never had money for a divorce.  It is just in the last few years they moved back in with each other out of convenience to share expanses.  They pretty much lead separate lives, separate rooms and all that.  She has always been polite but off standoffish.  But today was great.  I think I got in the door a little with her.

The noisy butt that I am I was looking at the framed pics in her hutch and noticed a veryy old one of Riley.  I asked her about it and we laughed.  She told me there was more in a photo album and she went up to her room and let me thumb threw it.  I made her sit next to me so she could tell me about each picture.  That is something Riley can not do.  I could see the memories wash over in her face as she would light up about one or another or she would get a sad look talking about this or that one.  What a cool way to get to know someone better!  And the pics of Riley was way too funny.  I can kinda see why he is such a flirt now and also maybe half believe some of his crazy stories.  I told Joy with in ear shot of Riley that I could see why he married her and also why she grabbed him up right away lol.  I also said quietly so he could only get the gist of it that she HAD to let me borrow these when his birthday comes around so I can make one of those Window Media Movies to show to every one at church. LOL Yes.. I am a PIC freak!

Please keep both Riley and Joy in prayer.  And me also.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Be gentle, I am a Sat. Six Virgin.

OK here it is.. I keep my promises to my friendsand. This is my first time doing Pat's Sat Six Questions

1. What was the last thing you lied about?

My husband asked why I was in such a mood and not feeling well... I said probly cuz I was going to start my period.. Then he busted me out cuz he said NO, you just had it less then 2weeks ago.  (lol he keeps track?)

2. What do you most hope to accomplish by the end of the year?

To have a job,maybe?  You would think by the end of the year I could get all my laundry and dishes done too! lol jk

3. If you could see a film of any moment of your childhood so that you could relive it,  what event would you like to see?

mm my whole childhood was a drama..not sure I would want to relive any of it.  Maybe the Christmas Morning opening my fav presents. JEM DOLLS!!! LOL

4. What talent do you wish you had but don't?

I wish I could sing.. but I cant carry a tune in a bucket.  I just make a joyful noise.  In Jr. High I did take Choirs and was an Alto, but I sooo wanted to be a perty Soprano.
5. What are you wearing as you answer these questions.  If someone pointed a camera your way right now, would you duck out of sight?

If it was anylater or if I came on after a sleepless night to answer, I would be in trouble.. BUT right now I am wearing jean shorts and a babyblue T-Shirt with my name on it and it also has my church's name under my name over my left side. Oh ya.. and a lime green hair scrungie on my wrist.

Danielle: Have you ever found a journal that interested you so much, you read all the way back to the beginning?  If so, how many? If you'd like to share, whose journal and why?

If the Journal is a newier one, yes.  But most of the journals I have followed have been from the start.  I do go back to some of my old posts here and there (does that count?)  There is one journal that I do plan on reading the back pages of but it is on the list of things to do.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

More from the Garage and some drible..

Those are some of my drawings.  I have a few more but that was all I felt like scanning tonight.  I know poor quality lol thus they have been in the garage all this time. I also added some pics that took me wayyyy back lol.  My fave is the one of me and Zane.  *poutylip*  He used to be sooo little, now he is almost 10!  It's been fun looking threw my old pics.  Wish back then I could have saw myself better.  I would have smiled more I think.  I know why all those good pics have been locked away lol because they piss me off!  As they say "Youth is wasted on the young"

I have discovered MusicNet@AOL.  I was sick of not being able to hear the full songs I was looking for last night so I clicked the link.  Free for a month and then $8 afterwards! But you get to download just about any song you can think of!  Darn AOL, just like a drug dealer, give you the first taste for free and then when you are hooked charge you up the waazoo for it.  When Josh heard "I Adore Mi Amor" playing he was like, are you STEALING music! LMBO NO.. It's free, for the first month, but I PROMISE TO CANCEL IT! He said ya right I have heard that one before. lol (ya so) But I have been soooo enjoying the music and getting drawn back into time and also discovering new favs.  I should start yet another journal just for songs and lyrics lol but I wont. I have too many to keep up with as it is.  I guess this is just my musical week huh!  I still have to post my fav song from Carmen by ABP. Can't seem to find it on the net.

I haven't really been feeling myself lately.  I am having trouble sleeping and eating and yes even trouble drawing closer to God.  So much has been swirling around in my head and I can't even begin to write about it nor will I probably ever here.  It is good Josh is back home now.  I am sure that will help.  He allowed me to take a very longggg bubble bath today (finally got that in) and I listened to Carmen and lit candles and drank my last margarita cooler.  I had a good long internal conversation with myself.  I think I have settled a few things but you know how your flesh and your spirit like to war with each other. Please keep me in prayer, that I will find my way back on the path that I wondered off of.  You know it's bad when those church marques start to mean something to you when you drive by them.  This one said, Keep the faith and finish the race.  And I just started crying after I read it.  I guess it doesn't help that I have pretty much missed two weeks of church lol but I will make it tomorrow for sure.  It isn't anyone thing I can pin down and tell you about, I know it kinda started when Mom went into surgery and even though she is doing wonderfully it has been down hill for me. Weird huh.  You think I would be on my knees every day praising him about that. Oh I do praise him for it, but I also feel like I am slipping.  Time for Mary to rediscover her Identity in Christ and start living by his will, not mine.  There is this big religion post going on over at Pat's journal and I am so not even in a place to contribute to that.  Normally, you know me, but I just can't tonight.

Heard another awsome song today!  I was taking the very, very, very, long way home from the store and flipping threw the stations.  This is the first time I have heard of this artist and they said the song is new.  I recomend you finding it and listioning to it..

Daughters by John Mayer
Album : Heavier Things
I know a girl She puts the color inside of my world She's just like a maze Where all of the walls all continually change And I've done all I can To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands Now I'm starting to see Maybe it's got nothing to do with me Fathers be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do Girls become lovers who turn into mothers So mothers be good to your daughters too Oh, you see that skin? It's the same she's been standing in Since the day she saw him walking away Now she's left Cleaning up the mess he made Fathers be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do Girls become lovers who turn into mothers So mothers be good to your daughters too Boys, you can break You'll find out how much they can take Boys will be strong And boys soldier on But boys would be gone without warmth from A woman's good, good heart On behalf of every man Looking out for every girl You are the god and the weight of her world So fathers be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do Girls become lovers who turn into mothers So mothers be good to your daughters, too So mothers be good to your daughters, too So mothers be good to your daughters, too

Friday, August 27, 2004


Weekend Assignment #21: Everyone had a subject in school they like better than all the rest. What was yours? And what's the most memorable thing you learned?

Alternate Assignment: If you can't think of a specific class or subject you liked the most, which grade of school has the best memories?

Extra Credit: Class pictures

That first pic is right out of my Jr. year in the High School Year Book at Green Valley, Las Vegas.  The captions reads: Mary Anderson feels that if she sleeps long enough on her book, some of that knowledge will soak into her brain.  Many students celebrated the miracle of osmosis beyond their science class.  LMBO Ok first off... I posed for that picture when the year book geeks asked me to! NO REALLY I DID! Josh doesn't believe me, but that is the truth. But, I was famous for snoring in class here and there, so it was fitting they asked me to pose.  Second thing is ughhhh what a picture.. I look yucky lol notice the flannel? Grunge was sooooo in and I was with it with my flannel and Doc Martin Boots.  I think I should get bonus points for being so brave! I went out to the garage to fetch my old year book and fought off pissed off spiders and crickets! I dug threw a bunch of dusty boxes but I found a gold mine of memories.  I will get to the journal assignment in a sec.. but I have to write about all I found lol.

I found my old binder from Psychology 101 from collage and it has all these notes! lol who knew I actually took notes and wrote essays! I also found an old prayer journal, I will have to start writing in it again, after I read the old entries to see what prayers actually have been answered. I found an old sketch pad with some not too bad drawings. Remembering now, I used to like to draw?! I also found a whole butt load of pics that somehow got omitted from my album.  And the prize find.. Old love letters from old boy friends and notes from school that friends would pass to me! Who knew I was such a pack rat!  I should go in the garage more often, but then I would have to fight the spiders.  Here is a list of songs from one of the old letters a boyfriend wrote me, I have to search these out and listen to them! BTW Josh saw it and asked why would I want to keep that lol (cuz it wasn't from him) and he kinda gave me a pissy look, but hey, I thought he threw them out last time he cleaned the garage! That is why it is bonus for me, I wanted to reread them just once before he did that. OK the songs..

Stevie B.......... I wanna be the one  

Color Me Badd....I Adore Mi Amour (mmm)

Linear.............Sending All My Love (oh i used to love that one)

Micheal Jackson...... Do you remember the time

Timmy T.................One More Try

Can you tell from the song collection this BF was trying to get back together with me? lol NOPE he should have been listening to En Vogue.. You're Never Going To Get It.   OK enough of memory lane and on to my homework assignment lol

I had gone to like 5 high schools since we moved so much and also depending on what crowd I was hanging with reflected my academic career.  If I actually applied myself I got A's and B's but towards the end there and before Zane I would skip school all the time and partied a lot so I really didn't do very well.  I had to go an extra five months of school to actually graduate for lack of credits.  I finished them up at an alternative school in Milwaukee called Lady Pitts.  It was where they sent the pregnant girls but I had already had Zane.  They had just started up what was referred to the basement program (cuz it was in the basement) for those who only needed those few credits to graduate.  I graduated in Jan. on my birthday.  It was also a requirement of Josh's that I finish school before we got married, and I am glad he made me go.  I wish early on in my High School days someone would have pulled me aside and said "HEY, if you want to go on to collage these years count, don't F*ck them up" I don't know if my parents ever had hoped for me to go to collage, they never really talked to me about it or encouraged me to do extra curricular stuff that would look good on applications.  A mistake that WILL NOT be repeated with my own children.

OK so what was my fav subject in school??? hummm Well I remember I loved learning computers at Lady Pitts.  I was about the only girl who was able to take that and the teacher was very cool. He was going to even use is own credit card so there could be a Internet connection but since it was in the basement no phone line.. bummer.  I also enjoyed my government class there since it was the first year I could vote. Ugh I voted for Clinton BTW lol You want to know why?? Because he appeared on MTV LMBO.

I took two semesters of collage and I so long to go back. It is on the list. When all my kids are in school (2yrs away) I plan on going full time and maybe one day being a teacher.  I really loved the creative writing class I took and I really wish the disk I used to keep my writing on was found.  I think I have it but it is so old it doesn't work and is not formatted to this computer.  But I think my fav class, now that I am thinking about it was Psychology.  At first I was kinda pissed that I was required to take it.  I had taken beginning to Psychology in High School and I liked it a lot but the teacher knew I was a stoner and kinda made me an example lol but I will say SHE SCARED MY BUTT away from doing anything harder than weed. Learning how the brain works and the effects of Speed and Crack on it really worked in keeping me away from the stuff.  My friends hated me when I was into that class, cuz I acted like I knew how to analyze them lol. Also because of a class assignment from that class I had a great conversation with my dad about death.  This was before we knew he had cancer.  My assignment had something to do with assisted suicide and Dr. Korvorkin. One of those rare times I shared my work with my dad and he was kinda upset with the conclusion I had drawn. I was for it.  And this lead into a really eye opening conversation with my dad about what he believes after we die and why that would be wrong to take a life before God's timing. Helps me to know now since he has passed that he did have faith.

 I liked the one I took in Collage, it was a refresher and more detailed.  Thumbing threw the binder I see an easy or two I wrote, some of it looks like I BS threw it but not too bad I think.  I think sometimes I may have made a good councilor.  Shoot all my friends seem to think they can vent to me about everything and always ask my opinion.  Sometimes that can be overwhelming when really all I want to do is talk about my own probs of the moment.  But I like the thought that I can be positive and helpful.  Who knows?? Maybe a career path someday, oneday.  There are not enough Christian Councilors I think.

Got the audio from TRACY THANKS!!!!

the little girl (click to play song)

Little Girl: John Michael Montgomery. Please help keep Coquet Shack alive! Click here and follow the instructions. Buy
John Michael Montgomery
music here

Her parents never took the young girl to church,
Never spoke of His name,
Never read her His word.
Two non-believers walking lost in this world,
Took their baby with them,
What a sad little girl.

Her daddy drank all day and mommy did drugs.
Never wanted to play,
Or give kisses and hugs.
She'd watch the TV and sit there on the couch,
While her mom fell asleep,
And her daddy went out.

    And the drinking and the fighting,
    Just got worse every night.
    Behind their couch, she'd be hiding:
    Oh, what a sad little life.

And like it always does, the bad just got worse,
With every slap,
And every curse.
Until her daddy, in a drunk rage one night,
Used a gun on her mom,
And then took his life.

    And some people from the city,
    Took the girl far away.
    To a new mom and dad:
    Kisses and hugs everyday.

Her first day of Sunday school the teacher walked in,
And a small little girl,
Stared a picture of Him.
She said I know that man up there on that cross,
I don't know His name,
But I know He got off.

    'Cause he was there in my old house
    And held me close to His side.
    As I hid there, behind our couch,
    The night that my parents died.

Written by Harley Allen.
(© Coburn Music.)
From "Brand New Me", © 2000, Atlantic.

Coquet Shack, © 2004, John D. Lewis.

Expanding My Mind..Got to LOVE The Library!

Yesterday I finally made it back to the Library.  I had running to do and put it on my list.  We had a dandy of a storm here and it hit as soon as we got into the van to leave the house LOL always my luck.   But when we got to Library it had eased up a bit and we was able to get in the doors without getting soaked or the books we had to be returned wet.  Our books from our last trip was over due a few days and I thought I would have a nice size late charge (I HATE LATE CHARGES FROM ANYWHERE GURR) but it was only 5 cents a day so I only had to pay $1.85.  I had all 4 kids in tow with me on this trip.  They was so excited.  They have been on my butt all week to go and now I finally got off my duff and took them.  First I took Lilly and Sophia to the children's section. They wanted to grab everything off the shelves and look at them all in random lol.  We finally settled on some books with PBS charters.  I let Zane and Annie brows by themselves.  I made a rule when we left the house, the limit would be 2 books each kid.  But once you are there it is so hard to stick to it.  After the kids finally made their selections I went over to the music. I am so dumb when it comes to music.  I normally just stick to what I know from the soundtrack of my life and also Christian contemporary that I know will feed my soul.  But this time I wanted to taste something different, to grow a bit. I also wanted some mood music for my bubble bath later.

I looked in the classical first.  I didn't want something well known, I wanted something I never would have heard of.  LOL Plenty of that.  I was drawn to Berlioz Romeo et Juliette directed by Charles Dutoit (try saying that but I would butcher it).    I think its all French?  I cant read the inside cover lol.  But it is beautiful.

Next I thumbed threw the sound tracks from Opera.  Carmen JUMPED OUT at me!  We had gotten the Movie awhile back and I really liked the music from it.  mmm Italian..   My son who is a brain and asked us to get him the Opera Carmen at the end of the school year because he learned about the composer in music class.  I had never seen it and I wanted to fulfill my son's request ofcourse.  When we had gotten it and started watching it my husband about had a fit because it was kinda risque and wasn't sure it was something we should let Zane watch.  But Zane was more into the music than the story line lol.  So getting the sound track was also a goodie for Zane. And again, the inside cover is all in Italian so I cant read it lol.

My next selection in music was another Opera Soundtrack. George Fride Handel, Athalia.  I have never seen or even heard of this Opera but Handel sounded familiar because of Handel's Messiah and the Hallelujah Chorus (always a fav, I have the record) All the music I got are on double disks so I have sooooo much music to surround myself with for the next two weeks. 

 I wish I could really appreciate them and learn and expand, but I think I am turning into a simple country girl (thinking Grechen Wilson's song Redneck Women).  There is this big concert coming up that we want to go to called A Day In the Country with artist like Lonestar, Tracy Atkins(he sings one hot momma) and a bunch of others.  I think I need to stop listening to WIL so much LOL.  We probably wont go, but I can dream cant I?

After I got out of the music section the kids was getting kinda squirmy but I HAD too look for a book that a friend recommended a while ago.  I jumped on their computer to see if it was in or if I could get it on reserve but my mind went totally blank!! gurrr.. All I could think was the title was Something and Bones and it was written by a women author.  So I typed in a search with bones in the title and fiction.  The closet I could come to was Kathy Reichs Bare Bones.  So I went and pulled it off the shelf hoping that was the one.  Zane was over in the DVD and Video section wanting to get a movie.  BUT HE HAD ALREADY REACHED HIS LIMIT LOL but he reminded me I didn't say before that included movies (smarty pants!)  So I told him get something educational this time.  I browsed too.  They had A&E's Biography done about Stephen King, YOU KNOW I HAD TO GET THAT!  Zane got a tape and book series called Where There's A Will, There's An A and  Discovery Channel video about Inside The Space Station.  Zane said about that A video that he wanted to get it so he can learn how to keep getting good grades. (aww) The other day he told me "MOM I think one day I want to go to Oxford for school.  Where is that?" OMG!  I told him it was a very famous school in England where a lot of really smart ppl have gone to and you have to have very very very good grades (and money) to get in.  So I think that motivated that video selection.  God my boy is so smart, I really hope he can go one day like he dreamed.  I know he is going to be and do so.. so.. much more than me and his father could have ever dreamed of for ourselves.

When we checked out I was telling the Librarian about the Bones book and how I hoped it was the right one.  She suggest it may have been a book called Lovely Bones and DING, that rang the bell in my head.  Ofcourse that was it, and ofcourse it was out!  But I got it on reserve and in a month I should be able to read it.  If someone wants to read it with me so we can talk about it that would be cool.

So on the drive home I was determined to stop at the Liquor store to get some margarita wine coolers.  I have been craving one allllllllll week (thanks to the J~Land Ball) and I thought I would let myself give in to that.  One here and there isn't a sin lol.  But then the down pour started as I parked to go into the store.  I ran as fast as I could but I got so drenched!  I was wearing a white shirt too!  So it was no wonder the clerk was flirting with me as I checked out. *blush*  Made it back to the van where the kids was waiting and looking at their books and we had to sit for a good 20 min till the rain let up enough to drive.  I heard a country song that  made me cry, ofcourse I cant remember the title, but it was about a little girl who came out of an abusive home and about how the first day of Sunday school she saw a pic of Jesus on the Cross and she said, I know him and I know he got off that cross, because he was there at my house the day my mommy and daddy died, sitting with me behind the couch. *tears* If you know it e-mail me the title.

I wanted to add some of the music I had gotten and maybe some pics of the albums. But AOL music sucks! lol I came up empty when I did a search in AOL's MUSIC.  When I find my fav piece I will post a sample of it by ABP.

From yesterday's daily devontion from seemed appropriate

It never fails to amaze me how often this Devotion seems meant and written just for me!  God is soooo Awesome!  If you like this devotional you can get one sent to you daily, go to and sign-up. 


When we fail God.  Today's Devotional is a powerful word about something we
all do every day, fail God.  Even though it is the goal of every follower of
Christ to live our lives perfectly as He did, the Bible tells us that we all
sin and fall short of God's glory.  It also says that if we say we don't sin
we are a liar.  So accepting the fact that we all fail God at times, I want
to focus today on how we respond when we fail.  Listen to me closely, you
will never be able to live this life victoriously until you learn the proper
response when you fail God.

The most important thing you can do when you fail is to accept
responsibility for your actions.  We are masters at blaming others when we
fail.  As I share with you often, man has not really changed since the
Garden of Eden.  When Adam failed, he blamed Eve.  When Eve was confronted
with her failure by God, she blamed the serpent.  Admitting you were wrong,
accepting responsibility for what you did is the most important thing you
can do when you fail.  When you take responsibility for your failure, you
become sorry for letting God down and go to Him with a broken and contrite
heart asking for forgiveness.

None of us are immune from sin.  That is why God gives us His special
promise in 1 John 1:9.  It tells us if we will confess our sins, He will
forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  We must trust His Word,
know He has forgiven us, and move on to fulfill our purpose of serving and
glorifying God with our lives.  You see, we are no good to God when we allow
our sin to strangle us, to paralyze us.  The enemy loves to use our
sin against us, to hold it over our head.  But the Bible says that when God
forgives us, He not only forgives, but forgets.  If God forgets, then we
need to as well so that we can move forward and live victorious, productive
lives for the Kingdom.

Jesus tells us in John 8:44 that satan is a liar, that he is the father of
lies.  When he speaks, he speaks his native language, LYING.  One of the
lies of the enemy is to use your sin against you, to tell you that you are
no good.  He will tell you that you are not worthy of God's love and grace.
Let me share this with you, on our own we are not worthy, but  because of
Christ WE BECOME WORTHY!  You see, when you
know Christ as your Savior it is not your righteousness that God sees, but
it is the righteousness of Christ.

We try our best each day to live like Jesus.  We are all faced with the
temptations of this
world.  We are all faced with the traps the enemy lays for us.  From time to
time we ALL fall into sin.  How we respond to our sin is critical.  Running
from God is a natural response, but the wrong one.  We quit reading the
Word, quit praying, quit going to church, which makes us an even bigger
target for the enemy.  Instead, we must run TO God, accept responsibility
for our actions and have the guts to say, "I sinned."

I love you and care about you so much.  The point I want you to understand
today is not if we sin, but when we sin, what our response must be.  I will
pray for you today that when you fail, you will accept responsibility for
your sins and ask God for forgiveness,  stand on His precious promise in 1
John 1:9 and move forward with your life.  God has much for you to do.  He
has a great plan for your life.  Let me assure you today that He loves you.
Whatever you may have done doesn't change that.  Our failure DOES NOT change
God's love for us!

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

The Beloved Journaler and Pimp of the Blog

AOL Music: Tim McGraw: 'Live Like You Wer...   Ya I know I am on a country kick for songs lately.. *shrugs* it fits for this entry.  

 Getting caught up with my journals, I feel like I have neglected some of my best friends! Sorry and thanks for bearing with me.  I HAVE to write about one of my fav. ppl in J~Land, and I know it will embarrass the heck out of him (that's part of the fun heheee) Mr. Jessie James (makes me think of that song, save a horse ride a cowboy LMBO) or better known as Riddlinatari2 of Kool and Ramen.  

 Yes, ladies he is a Hottie! BUT A TAKEN HOTTIE!!!! (Lucky duck Kristen) But there is soooo much more to him then his hard body.  He is very deep actually and I have been enjoying his journal and chatting here and there and getting to know more of him.  He was just too funny at the J~Land Ball.  

Donnetta was the first to introduce me to his journal a few months ago.  I am so glad she did. No, I don't always agree with him on some of his more political entries and we don't' always see eye to eye on religion but I know each entry is authentic and genuine.  Some times he shares some of his more sensitive side and I cry. And sometimes he just cracks me up I could pee my pants!  He has found a place in my heart and in many ppl's heart here in J~Land.  He is very beloved here.  But don't tell him that, he wouldn't agree, he doesn't see all he is or how much everyone just LOVES him. And that is part of his charter, he is very humble, he doesn't flaunt his brains (or body) or act like he is superior to anyone. I could go on and on about how talented he is, and that he is pretty much a genies, but he would tell me to shut up lol.  But it is the truth.

 One day he is going to put out an awesome book and I will be second in line to get it (Kristin being the first I am sure)   Among his many talents and gifts is music (I just recently found out he writes his own music), and speaking foreign languages, puter savvy, the boy has shot threw school like Doggie Houser. and OMG did you hear his voice greeting?? Click Here Tooo sweet.  I did have to question him if he was really 21 because the voice doesn't match up, but he assures me that is him and yes he is 21.  I believe him and reading his gf journal I have to believe it, lol why would she lie too. JUST KIDDING Ya, I know he is sensitive about sounding young, but it's mostly because he is going threw chemo right now.     

And this is the part where I write about how he must have the STRENGTH of superman to be able to endure all he goes threw.  In fact I know he has superhuman strength, but the source of it is from God, who he leans on.  All of J~Land is out praying for him and supporting him anyway we can think of.  It is just not fair that someone so incredible and beautiful has to have cancer!!!  But he is not down about it at all!  He says he knows this has all happen for a reason and he is trusting God. 

Can you tell I am a bit smitten by this young man? LOL It is a good thing I am an old married women, so he is safe from me. *blush*..   So please, please keep him on your prayer lists!!

And Jess I just wanted to say how much you inspire us all!  Sorry if I embarrassed you, but I so do like to see you blush lol I know you have such a wonderful future ahead of you and you deserve so much out of life.  I just want you to know you are never alone, and yes you are Awesome!   He just posted a prayer request.  Please add it to your lists.

I JUST SHOULD OF KNOWN better.. just another rant by me, no need to read.

(Can't believe I am posting my x-rays!)


Josh did come home today!  I had to pick him up at the shop around 11.  I felt like a hoosier (slang here in MO for white trash, not the basketball players from IN).  I had to go on the highway to pick him up so I found a bungie cord to tie my driver's side door shut, since I NEVER GoT THE THING FIXED.  And you know what?????????? Not two seconds after looking at it Josh had it fixed!  Seee, just like I showed you before huny.. gurrr.. But I had messed with it and messed with it to no avail but I am glad that is fixed now. Guess I am NOT mechanically inclined.

It took Josh about 5 min. to ask "hey, did you color your hair?"  Why yes I did, thanks for noticing.  He said it looked good and he liked it and that I did a good job for it being done by myself. (feel like I have had to do ALOT of stuff by myself lately) We did go out to lunch on our way home to the Old Style Country Buffet.  Got the idea from Sophia and Lilly, they was telling daddy about when Bob and Nancy took us. It was good, but I just didn't have an appetite today for some reason.  I even skipped the dessert they have laid out. mmm Cheese Cake, but I just wasn't in the mood.  By the time we got home it was already time for me to start getting ready for my appointment with the Oral surgeon (yuck) I totally had spaced it and didn't do the paper work they sent me ahead of time to fill out.

This was the first time I had been to this office and I got lost trying to find it.  I am not good with directions too as well as not mechanically inclined. So I was late 15 min.  Very nice office building and very nice waiting room. Artsy fartsy I would say but soothing. As I was finishing out filling the paper work Opera was on in the back ground.  The show was about transgender children, ugh, don't get me started, needless to say I wanted to scream, shut off that crap! But I held my tounge, I had plenty of other things on my mind than to be a ranting conservative at that moment.

I had brought in the pricey x-rays the dentist had taken of me, as instructed.  But apparently this office wanted their own set. So this very thick accented Hispanic assistant brought me back to take a second set, free of charge they assured me. (ya right I am thinking, nothing inthis world is free of charge) She makes me take off my glasses and my ear rings! I never take my ear rings off! I didn't have to before, but anyway.. She noticed my tat on my ankle and was trying to read it and she asked me about it.  Ohh that lol I forget I even have it.. You know the conversation I have had only a million times.  As she is putting me in the high tech face thingy she makes small talk and asks if I have kids, and as usual I floor her with my answer of 4.  I am used to that.  Some reason ppl find it fascinating that someone my age should have so many kids.

After the pamarammic x-rays I am lead to a freezing cold room and I wait.  This was just a consultation, no work to be done today. The doctor/surgan, what ever title comes in.  He is very nice, a nice Jewishboy as they say. He noticed and commented on my matching lime green sandals and toe nails and hair scrungie lol.  (maybe I DO have an eye for fashion?) And we have a chit chat about all the teeth I need pulled and if I was going to have a plate fitted right after or if I was going to wait the 8 weeks to heal and how also (ouch) how he was going to have to smooth things out and cut into some of my gums after wards.  It was decided that I should be knocked out with when the day comes (if the day comes). Yes, this is all stuff I expected and was ready for, I really wanted to know how much it was all going to cost and ofcourse the Doctor has nothing to do with that part and sends in another office lady. Clip board in hand and armed with forms she lays it out for me. OMG even with insurance it is going to cost such a pretty penny!  I knew it would, but I had tried to put that out of my head leading up to now.  Ofcourse they don't do payment plans and its all up front, oh but wait we could apply for a line of credit and have no interest for 3 months... I am shaking my head, knowing that would be a waste of time. I tell her thank you so much for explaining it all to me but ofcourse before I do anything I have to talk it all over with my husband.  OFCOURSE I HAD ASKED HIM TO COME IN WITH ME FOR THIS VERY REASON! But he opted to stay home with the girls.  I also find it ridiculous that I was charged $49 for this little appointment..

I get back to the van, and sit and have a good cry and pity party. Lack of sleep has also contributed to thislittle emotional out break among other things. I come to the realization that NO WAY am I getting my teeth fixed any time soon like I had so hoped. I kiss my smile good bye for what maybe another year, how ever long it will take to save the several thousands of dollars required.  (HELL NO, we will NOT  be asking for money from my mom or his parents) In the back of my head is the voice that says this is the exact thing I should stand on faith with and go to my Heavenly Father about it all. So this makes me cry even more for I so don't deserve to be blessed, but I look up and say "Daddy in heaven, oh how I love you and please forgive me for all that has been going on, help me get ahold of it all.  I know I don't want to come to you just when I am in trouble and need help, but it seems like that is the case here."  Normally this gives me great comfort but Satan has been doing a dance with my life it feels lately, and I have been holding his hand and not stopping it, so ofcourse I feel far away and disconnect from God. I think "resist the devil and he shall flee" but he knows when I am at my weakest it seems.. and he knows when I have not been straight with God.. So he throws in his voice saying "Ha ha, told you so, why did you even try or hope this time would be different. Money money, makes the world go round"

Another, almost sweet angelic voice plays in my head "I LOVE YOU MARY Bella & Amour" and tingles go straight down to my toes. *sigh* swoon* tug*

I get home and Josh is surprised to see me, since he had called the office I was at asking them to have me call when I was done. He was all suited up in is whites, ready to leave for a job he had been called to, but it was just down the street.  Before I go I lay it out for him what was said and how I had come to the conclusion that there is NO WAY this can be done right now.  He wrinkles is brow and says that I should get that factory job he had told me about that pays $10-15 an hour. gurrrrrrrr... he even went on line later to see if he could look it up for me.  Stomping my foot here! I DON'T WANT A FACTORY JOB DANG IT. But what choice do I have right?  I can just see how it's going to be (did I mentition I am NOT mechanically inclined?) where I am going to be some "Roseanne" busting her hump in a hot or cold, dirty, smelly, factory, wasting away knowing I can do better.  This is not how I had pictured my life, how did I get here?

And end of mindless ranting

BTW Josh will likely be going again out of town to that same job in the morning, that as he puts it, they can't just seem to get a break with it. He is waiting for the call in the morning. He says that if it is not done by Sunday he is coming home for sure and asking not to be placed on that type of jobs anymore. (like he has a choice in the matter?)

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Monday, August 23, 2004

Looking forward to a busy week

"Learn to say no; it will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin." - Charles H. Spurgeon  


So the kids are all ready for school, the lunches are packed, the clothes are laid out, and they are in bed.   As we was driving doing our errands I heard that Allan Jackson song on the radio and I cried.  I cried again as I posted it in my journal.  Can you tell I am really starting to miss Josh?  His phone charger isn't working so his phone is about dead and he has to use his coworker's phone to call us now.  So the calls are less frequent and I can't just call him on a whim now.  I am not sure when this job will be done, till the weekend probably and IF he doesn't come home by then I may just die. I could never be a single parent!  I am thankful God has blessed me so much with Josh, even for the hard times.  I wanted to tell him when he called at dinner time how much I missed him and that I cried today but the kids was jumping up and down to say HI to Daddy.  I did tell him I had a surprise for him when he got home (my hair).   The Internet is a good distraction but no substitute.  Jess and Pat had me in stitches again tonight in the Special Interests - Journals Cafe. But now all my friends are off line, in bed as I should probably be too.  It is hard to sleep in bed alone, often I am on the couch.   Going threw some paper work and found that stuff is starting to get busy for me.  I realized tonight that I missed a training for the Cubbies for AWANA and that tomorrow evening is a Leaders meeting!  I will have to call the lady and see if I can bring the kids with me if I cant get a sitter.  Also for MIT (Mom's In Touch, a prayer group) is having a kick off meeting tomorrow night but I can't be in two places at once now can I.  There is another meeting for that Next Monday, so I will have to see if I can make that. OH and I have to sign Josh up for some leader classes for the Cub Scouts!  So as you can see this fall is already starting to get busy for me and I haven't even gotten into finding a job yet or my dental stuff!  BTW I have an appointment Tue at 4 and since Josh wont be home the older two may have to fend for themselves for an hour? *sigh* And on Thursday Zane has another dentist appointment, I will have to sign him out of school for that one.  Bummer since it's the first week and all.   I will have to take that quotes advice and say  to any more stuff this fall!!  Ya right, everyone knows what a sucker I am!  I don't mind most of the time, it's just finding sitters and getting there is the problem.   OH YA, I still haven't got my driver side door fix! UGH!! That is what I get for missing church. I was going to ask one of the men there to take a look at it.  I was also looking forward to seeing if anyone noticed my hair lol.  

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Song that made me Cry today.....I MISS JOSH!

AOL Music: Alan Jackson: 'Remember When' 


Remember when I was young and so were you
And time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when
Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give up
Remember when

Remember when thirty something seemed old
Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when

Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

Remember when
Remember when

J~Land's Cyber Ball Hangover


This is what everyone had in mind for the celebration  but in all honesty it was

 more like  and  some of


I was very good  but there was that strugle going on with my .   I used to be very perverted at one time or another in my life and some of that still came  out.  But I only pinched Jess's bottom once er or twice... It was the margarites, ya that's it!  Too many of those and spiked punch!  I don't remember how I got into the Nympho Blogger's Club!  Can't wait to see the graphic on that! Something clean, so we don't get TOS please lol. 

I have the proud acomplishment of closing out the Chat with Rach! at 5:00 a.m. central time. We was the last two in the room. She is really cool and sweet.  We was trying to keep up with Jess and he is the one who ended up pooping out on us. But that is understandable and he is excused.  All that streaking and showing off of piercings makes a guy sleepy lol.

BTW..Kara what happen to you last night?? I didn't see you say good bye.  One min you was there and the next you was gone!  You missed out!

So today I have Cyber Ball hang over!  I made the mistake of thinking I could have 2 hours of sleep before I had to get up for chruch.  I really needed to be at church too after a night like that!  I was half a wake at 8:30 when Lilly decided to blow chuchks  Aw so there was my excuse for not going to church.  Didn't think it would be a good idea to have her there and spreading what ever she has but today she has not had a feaver or gotten sick any more.  Maybe she just had some bad food last night?


We had a marvouls time last nigh, em this morning.. That room is open all the time ppl!  I know Kara and I sneek in there to see if anyone shows, so I hope ppl will remember that room.

Saturday, August 21, 2004


Not much to write... the pictures tell the whole story.  THE BOX LIED! (see previous entry for pic of the box)  I knew I was in for it when my son asked while the dye was setting if I was trying to look like..





What do you think 

You think Josh will notice when he gets home?? I am not going to tell him.

Friday, August 20, 2004


Ohh where to begin?!! Sooo many issues and side stories.  It has been a crazy messed up day.  I guess I will start with the morning up till now..

Last night I signed up with my bank's website so I could view my info online.  I LOVE THIS OPTION!!  They have it where you can pay your bills or send money to anyone threw the website, but I am not sure I am ready to be that deep with online banking. Anyone do this? How do you like it if you do?  Anyway, so this morning I looked up my balance so I could start a budget and figuring out what bills to pay and how much money I will have for school shopping and groceries.  Then I decided to look over our statement and see what we spend all our money on.  A lot for the gas station, and the grocery store, some here and there for renting movies, and one or two for ordering out, and oh ya, that thing I ordered online and still haven't gotten yet! And then I come across something called!  What the heck is that!? and why have they charged me 7 times in 2 months that add up to almost $80!!!!!!!  NO WONDER MY WATER BILLED BOUNCED! So I am steaming mad, because I know these are fraudulent charges but I decided to call Josh before I called the bank, just to see.  He is working but I ask him if he has a free min to talk and he says yes no problem.  I told him about me looking up our banking info online and asked if he ever heard of  A brief moment of silence and then a "um, ya, maybe, why?" If you could have saw me you would have seen steam coming out of my ears. Then he cuts me off and says he has to go and he will call me later about it. (chicken) Then I go online and looked the company up and what I found is not very nice to say the least.  All sorts of ppl have complaints agenst this company. here is a link. And I am not stupid either, I know this was for a porn site.  I don't want to air my dirty laundry but COME ONE, $80!  I am not condemning him or anything, but this has been an on going issue and I thought he had come close to victory over this pet sin. Later on this issue..

So that puts me in a real pissy mood as I am doing my bills and deciding what not to pay this week and save for next week.  I budged $250 for the school shopping and grocery shopping combined.  The kids start Monday and I have been putting it off and they keep nagging me when are we going to go.  So I promised them today was the day. I get out to go and my seat is all wet because I left my window down and it rained last night. UGH! So I have to put a towel down on my seat and off we go. Our first stop is at the bank.  I run in and leave them in the car, with the radio on as Zane requested.  As I am waiting in line I hear my horn tooted a few times.  This does not help my mood any because I know it was one of my kids up out of their seat playing with the radio and messing with the horn.  I get my cash and a money order for the water bill and hurry back to the van.  I was gone 10 min tops.  With a knowing glance I ask "so who was it that honked the horn, cuz I heard it all the way in the bank" Annie points to Zane and he gives that look of being guilty but trying not be and yells NO I DIDN'T.  Usually this is grounds for a slap on the butt but my anger is rising and I didn't want to take it out on him.  I tell them you know better and you guys better behave in the stores we are going to.  Our next stop is Big Lots  Right away Sophia starts to throw a fit cuz she doesn't want to sit in the cart right, she wants to sit in the buggy part but BigLot's carts are too small for her to.  I mean she threw a screaming fit, so loud I got looks and I heard a cashier make the comment "Oh someone isn't happy" NO DUH!  As I am fussing with her the other three run ahead of me to the School Stuff.  They are excited but more gurrrrr, they KNOW the rules when we are out in a store.  Stay right by the cart, and if possible hold on to the side of it. So I catch up with them and again with the stern voice, COME ON GUYS, YOU KNOW BETTER, STAY WITH ME HERE OR WE WILL LEAVE. So out with the lists the teachers sent out.  Ofcourse they are specific about what kind of binder and folders and pencils and crayons and glue and each kid is different.  I was able to get about half the stuff at Big Lots.  My bill there came to $45 BUT some of that stuff was mine.  I did get some glade candles  and something I have been thinking a lot about and it was cheap It was only $3.99 a box and I got two because I have a lot of hair.  I am already blond but it needs to be lightened up some since I have been pretty much inside all summer and it has turned into a dishwater color.  A surprise for Josh when he gets home.(as if he deserves it!)  If time permits I will do it tomorrow and take PICS. I am slightly nervous about it, this will be the second time I have put color to my hair. The last time was about 3 years ago, a strawberry blond/red color that didn't make much of a differ in my opinion.  Anyway our next stop was going to be Wal-Mart and the plan was to eat there at the little restaurant they have but I saw  and thought we would give them a shot to see if they had what we needed.  Thankfully they had the rest of what we needed, it may not be the exact brand requested on the list, but if the teachers don't like it oh well, sorry, we are on a budget.  I did get some dish towels and stove top burner covers with an apple graphic on it, to match my kitchen. Oh a whole $2 on me! lol and I did get Lilly and Sophia a pack of crayons and coloring books since they felt so left out. Dollar Tree does have tight isle so while we was in line Annie was a bit behind me but I still see her with the eyes that are behind my head.  I noticed her pick up a package of candy, try to put it in her pocket but since her pants are too tight, she puts it back. OH NO SHE DIDN'T JUST TRY TO DO THAT! Yes, I made a big deal of it and a scene.  ANN MARIE HAMM, did you just try to put that in your pocket? THAT WOULD OF BEEN STEALING! You wasn't going to steal that were you?!  Do I have to start patting you down after before we leave stores now?! You know stealing is wrong."but I put it back" Still, even to think about it is the same as doing it in God's eyes. *sigh* I pay for our stuff, $31 is our totally at this store.  I gave kids the snacks I got there so we could go on with our shopping.

AND THEN.. I try and shut my driver's side door.  The dang latch wont click! and the door wont stay shut!  This happen about a month ago to Josh and he showed me how to fix it, so I was messing with it for about 20 min and still couldn't get the door to stay shut!  So I had to drive with one hand and the other holding the door shut. My hand cramped too.  But I stayed off the hwy. and didn't go over 35mph on the street.  Our next stop was .  I was hoping that maybe I could find decent pair of shoes for Annie and some jeans, since hers are so tight and she can't hardly button them. UGH Good Will is right next to Tumble Drum and as soon as the kids see it they want to go there! NOT TODAY!  Again Sophia throws a fit about going into the cart.  Lilly found one of those play carts to push around and ofcourse this only pisses Sophia off more and she is doing the loud screaming again! Finally I calm her down and make Lilly put the toy cart back, she kept hitting me on the back of my heels with it and it hurt. So then Lilly pitches a grandmall fit.  I put her in the cart and we start to do our looking. Not two min into it Sophia has to go potty. So we do that and then two min later Lilly has to go, and then after that Zane, until finally Annie has to also.  You can you tell I HATE SHOPPING WITH KIDS???  I got Zane two nice and "cool" out fits and Annie, as you can see the pics of the fashion show she put on, four and a pair of shoes.  I wasn't going to get the shoes, they was clean and looked like they was never worn but I thought they was about a size too big for her.  But she begged me and said they are very comfy, so I gave in, if she falls while in gym class because of them, she cant say I didn't warn her.  I didn't see much for me but I did get a scarf that is my fav green, I will sport it with my new hair color tomorrow for ya all.  Our total at Good Will was about $32.  Not bad I think.  I feel like the queen of thrifty today! We haven't even gotten to the grocery shopping and its almost 6 so I break down and get KFC.  The drive thru line was very long.  The wait to order was 30 min.  By the time we get home Sophia and Lilly are passed out and after being waken they are grumpy.  Zane and Annie fight about who gets to take the stuff we bought in and I am just completely worn out.  Tomorrow I have to do this all over again at the grocery store and hopefully I can get my van door to latch so I wont be driving one handed.  I had a voice mail from the water company and I then remember I didn't get there, BUT I DO HAVE THE MONEY ORDER, so that will also be a stop for us.  Tomorrow our church's praise band is joining a bunch of other groups to put on a concert. I want to go but with 4 kids by myself?? We will see how they do with our running tomorrow.  I did talk with Josh and that is a post for later I guess.

Money,Money, MONEY.. (thinking the theme song for the Aprentice)

"But in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." ~ Benjamin Franklin

  I don't know what it is like for the average American.  I only know what my family and I go threw.  YES, we live pay check to pay check.  If my husband doesn't work we don't get to do things like oh say eat and pay rent or pay for wonderful little things like AOL and helping our economy out.  My husband is the only wage earner in our household right now, and that is what seems best for our family with four children to raise.  We are I think a far cry from even being in the upper middle class income bracket and at times have even lived border line poverty level.  When you don't have much and are not used to much, it isn't that big of a deal and *gasp* you are even grateful for what you do have.  My children have learned the difference between what a Want and a Need is.  You want candy, but we need real food, YOU want new toys, but we need clothes. As well has my husband and I.  We want a Harley but we need a car or van to fit us all in.  We want cable t.v. but we need to pay for our utilities.  You get my point, most families come into a sense of the difference of want and need and how to balance it out. Often aournd here..Want turns it to a pipe dream lol Oh ya one last one, I want name brand now and then, but I don't need it.. generic is just as good and sometimes better.  

 My husband has ALWAYS been a good worker and provider.  Before his current profession he was a mechanist and welder.  It paid well but there was a point where he would top off at what an employer wanted to pay and he knew he wasn't happy with what he was doing and at times didn't like some of the dangers associated with that kind of work.  The last company he worked for was a small one but they almost always had work going on, but I don't know if it was mismanagement or just cuz they was small, but there was sometimes an issue of if you didn't know if that pay check they just gave you would go threw or be like rubber.  So when Josh was presented with the opportunity to change careers it was a blessing.  

He is an apprentice thru the local painter's union. (I have my gripes about unions but I will save that) It is a three year program but he actually learns how to do his craft and all the safety things associated with it.  He didn't just go and buy a card like some do.  Apprentices ofcourse make less than journeymen and when he started that first year it was a big drop in pay for him, but we always kept our eye at the end of the tunnel and knew God was going to see us threw it.  Really! It has been a faith building, trial by fire, sort of experience. And God has been so awesome threw it all. When he does finally finish and become journeymen, he will be making what I like to think of as BIG MONEY, but he will be worth every penny. The first year was very shaky and I am sure we could have qualified for all sorts of assistant programs but we only took advantage of The Head Start (I am really bummed that we dont qualify for it and Lilly and Sophia will miss out on that) one for the kids.  God blessed us threw our church family a lot!  Second year when he got his raise I thought, wow we are almost rich! Hahaha we didn't count or plan on a very slow winter, like most experienced construction workers do.  We are still kinda catching up from it. When he became third year as we got ready for that next raise I was thinking, "yesss 80% of scale, a five dollar raise, we will surely have it made!"  And this is where I get pissed!

Apparently with this raise it bumped us up into a new tax bracket.  After taxes being taken out, and after what the union requires and money that goes towards the vacation fund and health and welfare fund and retirement funds and funds for this and that bla blaba.. He takes home almost the same as before the raise!!!  I am thinking  "WHERE IS MY MONEY!" this is so not fair! Josh even changed what he claimed on his W2 but that had about no effect on the take home.   

I am not stupid, I took government in High School, I know taxes is what pays for all the things we need to run our wonderful blessed country.  I know it is our taxes that pays for Head Start that I so loved, and for the help my little sister gets for daycare and food stamps because she is a single working mother.  I know taxes pay for our roads and bridges that we need.  Taxes pay for the schools I send my two older children to.  But is it really fair that the first 4 months of the year of earnings go to the government!?  Isit fair that my congressmen and other representatives get to vote on raising their salaries every year to wages I can't even fathom and also get life time healthcare coverage and big retirement pay?  Yes, I am sure they need those slick suits to do their job and the big staff and fancy offices.  I am not saying all elected officials are like that and just in it for the money, but I can see why it is an incentive to have a longgggg political career.  Bigger government = less money for me and my family.  I am not one to go on rants about taxes and politics (does seem like it is more often here though that I do lol) I don't want much out of life.  I just want to raise my family the way I THINK I should, and having a few extra's here and there would be nice.  It is no wonder that both parents HAVE to work to make the ends meet.  And yes I do tend to think that children loose out on a lot when parents are both working and there is less supervision and family bonding.  Daycare's should not be raising our babies, people should be able to stay home and do that job if they want to.  Don't get me started on all these government programs either that are nothing more than socialism in disguise.  While I appreciate some of the safety nets that are in place, because WE have had to use them here and there, I don't appreciate those who LIVE off of them and make it a way of life and pass that plantation thinking on to their families. 

Something HAS GOT TO change, starting with the family and all the way on up to the big goverment we have.  Mind sets have got to change.  Goverment and Familes need to walk the line between spending on Wants and Needs.  

 This rant has been inspired by this link sent to me in an e-mail.  I don't back this movie but I found it interesting.. Take a gander at it and what it says about taxes.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Friendships that crumble and supressed memories

SaddestSong has inspired this entry (((((HUGS))))

What makes a real friend?  Is it someone you tell your deepest thoughts to?  Is it someone who is there even if it is just to shoot the breeze?  What makes a friend?  Some ppl make friends easy and fast but those friendships fizzle out over time, others have walls that are built so high around their heart that it is almost impossible for them to have friends but when they do let someone into that comfort zone, it is almost for sure it will be a lasting life time friendship.

I have very few friendships that have endured long years, but the ones who I still consider friend are those who love me no matter what and I love them no matter what.

Sometimes it is very hard for me to have more than an acquaintance with ppl, hard for me to let them into that inner circle of truth, into my heart and not be afraid of abandonment.  I learned along time ago sometimes ppl you think of as friend is nothing more than someone passing and leaving stomping prints in your life.  I try and not let that effect how I relate to ppl but sometimes the Lord has to really speak to me and let me know it is OK to let someone in. After all, life is not worth living if you can't take chances and have a wall up all the time.

I have had to move around a lot, especially growing up.  So I learned how to make friends but I always had the thought in the back of my head that one day I will move on and this friendship will be one of those passing things I leave behind, even if we say we will keep in touch.  But I did have one friendship that traumatized me and I think that contributes to why it is hard for me to let ppl in.

Junior High is hard enough, but being new and not knowing many ppl makes it worse.  Being shy and awkward, learning about proper hygiene, having a growing body that is getting too much attention from boys, just trying to figure out where you fit in. Those teen years suck so bad but it is always helpful to go threw it with a real friend.  Someone to share make-up and clothes, have sleep overs and talk about boys, to share your secrets with, to get in trouble with.  I thought I had found one.  Cricket was a year ahead of me but yet we bonded.  For over a year and a half we was best friends, inseparable.  I havemany stories I could tell but I don't want to get into it, it hurts even still to this day.  I wasn't ever the most popular in Jr. High, I got my fair share of taunting and teasing.  This made me even more shy but with Cricket I felt like I was worth something, that I could be who ever with her, that she understood me and didn't care that I was in a different kind of social class than her.  She endured my embarrassing family, she was one of the few ppl I felt OK inviting over.  Her Mom was a stay at home Mom even though most of her kids was about grown, but she treated me like family and never had a problem with me eating over or even sleeping over on school nights.  Cricket was the youngest and had an older sister that was in the process of moving out and she had an older brother (who was my first love) who looked out for her and really protected her and Cricket idolized him and his friends.  She seemed to have a real stable family, something I kinda wanted.  They had lived in the same house forever with the picket fence to boot.  I really thought she was lucky to be the youngest in the family since I was the oldest but I was never jealous of her, I just loved her and her family.

At school I was like a different person than the one who was carefree out side those walls. Like I said, I was on the lower end of the social totem pole or pecking order as they say but it was OK since I had real friends out side of school.  For Halloween, one of my last for tricker treating, Cricket and I went out, as a joke, She was that skinny exercise instructor and I was a wantabe gangster lol (ya real original).  I slept over at her house and we had school the next day, but I hadn't planned on it so I didn't have school clothes, so I squeezed into one of her skirts.  During the first or second period as I sat down it ripped in the back (can still hear the sound of it) and I was being laughed at already for wearing a skirt that didn't fit right and this just added to it even more.  I was sent home, my dad had to come and get me, I was so embarrassed.  There was a certain girl who laughed the hardest and teased me the worst after that.  But I didn't care, I was counting down the days till winter break.  One day after school Cricket and I was walking from her house, on the way over to Consuelo's (my real best friend) and on the way that certain girl was in the area hanging out with a large group of slightly older girls.  They walked over our way and I really was off guard, I was out of school, I was being the other ME.  One of the older girls walked up to me and the other girls circled us, she said "I HEARD YOU CALLED ME A B*TCH and talking Sh*t about me!" I was totally not prepared for this and I said "I have never seen you before in my life! I don't know you, why would I talk sh*t?" AND BOOM as soon as I fished my sentence she was punching me without warning.  I was stunned!  I was confused!  And what did my best friend Cricket do? Not a thing! She stood there for a second and then ran off. It happen fast and was over fast and I ran the rest of the way over to Consuelo and Cricket caught up with me after that. She had fetched her older sister but by then it was too late.  Since the only girl I knew was one of them, I gave her name to the principal at school right after it happen, the office was still open and it did happen right across the street.  But that was probably the worst thing I could have done. After that I got an even worse reputation for being the girl who got jumped and then snitched. sigh.. But I didn't care, I was counting down those days left of school and I had real friends outside of the school setting. Right? So I thought.. after a while Cricket started to avoid me, stopped taking my calls, and really I was very naive, I just thought she was busy or something, it took her brother (after one of our make out sessions) telling me what she had said after listening to one of my messages left for her on the answering machine that made me see the light. I had said, HEY its ME, remember, YOUR FRIEND? and she had said NOPE DON'T WANTA KNOW YOU.  I was crushed when her brother told me that.  I was depressed for the rest of the school year, locking myself in my room as soon as I would get home.  I know what happen, she got a whiff of the teasing I was going threw and didn't want to be on the end of it herself, so she separated herself from any association from me.  Unknowing to her I still kept in touch with her older brother(it was one of those secret love thangs, since it was bout agenst the law cuz of him being so much older*shaking my head*) but as I grew up a bit more that too faded away.  Last year Consuelo saw her at a gas station and said hi to her, but didn't get any updates on her or her family.  I wonder here and there about her and how her life has been but I wonder more about her brother than her since he was my first. 

Oh well, suppressed memories, what was the point of this entry again??

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

The Hamm connection and Hurting J~Land Friends - Hamm stumbles, then soars to gold - Aug 18, 2004

Paul HammWAY TO GO!!!!!!!

It was so cool to see this story unfold on t.v. tonight!  I felt a connection to this young man on many levels lol and I am proud of him.  His last name is the same as mine, but pronounced differently.  Mine is pronounced like the ham and eggs and his is more German sounding, like hawwm.  No relation to him or Mia Hamm but its still cool to point out to our kids, hey they has our same name.  Another thing is he is from Wisconsin, in a city not far from Milwaukee and I have lived there too!  Just another one of those interesting connections.  And ofcourse he is from the USA! All those things combined you know I was rooting for him, even when he messed up in the beginning, and that is part of the drama, that he was able to make Gold after coming from so far behind.


It seems like almost every journal I have read tonight has had emotional and heart wrenching entries.  I cried with each one.  For those who are out side of AOL J~Land that may seem silly, that we can weep with ppl we hardly know but I think it is very normal now.  I do feel like a friend who has been allowed into their world and I feel honored that some have felt free enough to share with me things that are so deep and personal. Each tear I cry is for them and with them.  It is really amazing the support system here, created by accident, but still it is here.  There was one entry that I literally wanted to hold this friend and hug them and tell them how much they mean to me and look them in the eye so they KNEW it was truth, but I can only do that with my written word and I hope this friend felt the emotion behind it.

There is soooooo much evil in this World and I get so mad at the ppl who are like conduits for it, but then I have to step back and remember that I have to love that person and see them as Jesus sees them.  I have to remember that it is Satan who is out to kill, steal and destroy and often the person who is causing the hurt has themselves been hurt deeply.  Many ppl are lost and hurting and need the Love of GOD.  I know I was one of them and now that I have his Love and know it's truth, I can't think of how my life could possible go on without it. 

Here is a link to a webpage I made about my past hurts and how God stepped into my life.  I read it again tonight and cried even more.  I know I have posted it before and it's in my links section, but for those who may have missed it, I encourage, I invite, I ask you to read it.

Mary's Testimony, Who I was before..

just something I saw annoying

AOL News - New York Offers Perks for GOP Protesters
Can I get an OHHHHHHPLEAZEEEEEE SPARE ME?? I also find it interesting that we have the right to assemble and protest, but have to get a permit for it. Also I am wondering, why did I not hear ANYTHING about protesters at the DNC in Boston? I know they was there. I bet I will see plenty of news coverage on the protesters at the RNC because the media is just naturally for some reason slanted that way.. watch..and you will see..



 is where I have gotten all these cool smilies..