I started this last night and it is already the wee hours of the morning.. so keep that in mind when I say today and yesterday
I have found and others have told me, anytime you start to grow and step out in your faith to expect attacks from the demonic realm. Makes sense, if you are not growing or are stale in your faith or if you are not walking in God's will, why would Satan worry about you.. but start to shake up his lies he puts forth, start to share the Truth, start living in God's Will and be bold in the Holy Spirit..you will get his attention. But on the other hand.. whom shall we fear, if God is for us who can be against us.. resist the devil and he shall flee.. put on the full armor of God and prepare for Battle!! And sometimes.. we give the Devil too much credit.. as in the book of Job.. he can not touch anyone with out permission.. and what we may perceive as an attack, may be God using that for his Glory in your life.. What was meant for harm for the believer, The Lord turns around for His Honor and His Glory.
When Sophia started getting sick with a scratchy throat..I tried to dismiss it.. pray that she would be well and we could avoid a trip to the Pediatric Doc. I told her if she felt bad to tell the teacher and go to the nurse, mommy will come and get you. Then she came off the bus yesterday crying her eyes out with a fever and could barely eat because her throat was so sore, I was pissed.. I thought it was because I was getting attention that I didn't want because of some of the things I had been saying to others, some of the Words of Truth I had been speaking and because I was drawing closer to the Lord. My children are my soft spot and it hurts to see them sick or in pain. I have been blessed with very healthy children. Not so much as an ear infection as babies, and only Annie had one bout of unexplained fevers that put her in the hospital when she was 3.. but she came out of it fine. The only time we have needed to go to the Pediatrician this last year was for routine shots.. and even then I just went to the Health Department to get them.
I had to go threw the phone book this morning and find a doctor that took our insurance and would get us in. Sophia was miserable this morning.. she didn't have a fever but was hungry yet wouldn't eat anything I had to offer. Her throat hurt so badshe said. She was very whiney. But ofcourse by the time I got her to the doctor's office she was more chipper, throat swab taken, urine sample taken.. and the nurse is looking at me like "what are you doing here?" Sophia is very sociable and chatty. The doctor said everything came back good.. not strep from the fast test, no urine infection (I had asked for her to be tested because of her having trouble in the bathroom) but she did see a few spots on her throat and said if she was not any better by Friday to bring her in.. it could be mono. Mono!! What?! She shook her head and said.. it would be rare but not to worry, she didn't think it was. I asked if she could go to school tomorrow and she said yes if she didn't have a fever anymore today. Basically Sophia is fine!! She has perked up and is almost back to her normal self and feeling better.
During the course of the exam the Doctor asked all the new patient questions of us. How many children do you have, how were the pregnancies and births. Any past medical problems or surgeries, family history.. you know the routine if you have children of your own. When she was asking if Sophia was my first.. both Sophia and I chuckled and I said oh no.. she is my baby, she has a brother and two sisters.. four all together. This is when Sophia started in.. Ohh don't forget my other sister.. the one in Heaven.. then she turns to the doctor and says I have a big sister in heaven named Beautiful!! Ohh dearrrr.. there she goes again and I am caught by surprise by the situation (you may remember where I talked about this in a previous post) The new doctor looked at me wanting to know what happen and I tried to wave it off but I knew that was not going to do it. She asked how THAT pregnancy went and I had to say out loud.. to a stranger.. it was terminated.. and gave her the look that said to let it go.
In a normal OBGYN appointment I am prepared to give that answer on the form they give.. it is one of those reminders of that child I lost, that abortion I had at 15, if I want to be honest with my doctor and ofcourse that is always best.. but never have I had to explain her at a Pediatrician appointment. I am not shy to talk about it or all that embarrassed.. I am past that, but this really stung.. hurt. I don't just bring it up with strangers, there is always atime and place and a setting that I prepare myself for and Sophia is throwing me all off with her talking about Beautiful all of sudden this past week. Because of all this I was starting to doubt myself and the reasons I am so open with the children about the sibling they will not get to meet until we are all in Heaven. The original reasons was because I have become more outspoken publicly, doing speeches and pro-life rallies,radio interviews, and print, often my family is there for all that. I did not want it to be the big family dirty secret that is never talked about (as it is for so so many women who have not found healing). It was explained to each child on their own level. And I have always been open to talking to them about their sister and why I do what I do now. But this week it feels more painful because I have been taken by surprise maybe.
After the appointment we went to one of my close friend's house. On the drive I was mulling over what happen at the doctor's office in my head. I needed to talk to SOME ONE about it, vent. My friend knows my story and we talk about it from time to time.. she is post abortive too.. but has not sought healing over it yet and still keeps it a secret in her closest from the world. So as I was telling her what Sophia said at the appointment and the questions she was having from the other day my friend was Horrified. "What if she talks about it at school.. telling other kids she has a dead sister in heaven, what if you have to answer to her teacher or the school?? What will you say then?" She didn't get it and was adding to my doubt. I said if Sophia did.. well she was just telling the truth and her feelings, I don't mind that. Its just the out of the blue this all seems to be coming from.. what is up with THAT?
Talking to my friend did not settle me at all like it usually does when I vent to her about my kid's problems or my family stuff. My inner turmoil was still churning and I knew I could not hold this in. I HAD to talk to some one who would understand my point of view, some one who has been threw this and could give me perspective, Godly council. I am so blessed that God has put some one in my life who fits that bill.
Two years ago I got involved with Silent No Moreand metAmy Martin. We keep in touch and touch base every now and then and especially when an event is being planned or coming up. I can't put into words how I just love and adore this women.. the PEACE that flows threw her and her boldness.. she is a very dynamic public speaker because she has passion for Jesus Christ and wants only him to shine threw and show people the healing they can find threw him. A few days ago I was reading over the local Christian Music radio station's calendar of events on their website. People and churches send in info for events and concerts or Bible Studies and Conferences or Retreats they are hosting and all the contact info. That is how I found out about that Rally At The Ranch for us to go to when Josh was in town. I had read about something along the lines of a Celebration Of Life event coming up in October, it was Pro-life in nature being put on by an organization I am familiar with and Amy was scheduled to be a guest speaker. I was so excited and planned on attending if only to see her again (lol never get tiered of her testimony.. brings tears every time). We hadn't really talked since last February when we did a radio interview together for one of the Christian Talk A.M. stations. (I never did post the audio from that.. but I do have it if anyone wants to listen). So she has been on my mind.. I had been planning on seeing her then but this could not wait.. I had to call her right when I got home.
Her and I had a wonderful conversation and it really did help to talk to her. I asked if she had told her children, how old they were and how did they deal with and are dealing with it. Her children are grown now but at the time she went forward, her children were 18 and 13. So much older than mine but she did tell me I have done the right thing by being honest, open, and it is more freeing to not keep it in, and the kids would of had questions or wonder about my behavior later. She told me about some one she knew who had a still born son and afterwards a daughter. They told the daughter about the brother lost very early on and he has always been in their life, talked about openly and grieved over together and that the daughter wasquite healthy mentally for it.. and she kinda equated my situation to that. As long as I am keeping everything at their maturity level it will be ok. She pretty much confirmed what I was feeling.. that I was not a nut and I had done the right thing for my family and children and that helped so much.
We went into a conversion about her being the guest speaker at that event and how I was excited to go and see her speak. She said.. "Ohh Mary.. that reminds me I need to call them! I almost forgot with all that is going on.. I have to be out of town that weekend! I am going to be a Grandmother and the delivery is scheduled to be that weekend". She had just found out about the planned induction and knew when she had first agreed to do the event, it would be cutting it close to the birth of her first grandchild. She was feeling very torn and guilty and praying about it. Then we both laughed and came to the conclusion that our talk today was God planned, his perfect timing. She asked if I would pray about doing it, taking her place if the coordinators could not find some one, that she would recommend me....Me?! At first I was taken aback.. Amy is awesome, I am not half the public speaker she is. But.. it is not out of the realm of possibility.. I have spoken at events before.. I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to tell her I really could do it, have them call me.
Do you all see what I am getting at??? The point of this long post?? I would not of called Amy, I was just going to show up at the event.. I only called her out of a need to be ministered to by what I was going threw with Sophia. And because of all that I filled a need she was PRAYING about! You see how God has turned what seemed meant for harm and made it all about HIM and his Glory?? I am blown away by Him honestly!