Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I need a man around the house.. my son just doesnt cut it in that department!

How long has Josh been out of town this time?? I have lost track.. seems longer than it realy is I know. Two, three weeks??

It seems like the "manly" stuff that needs to be done around here just keeps pilling up.  I try.. I realy did.. and so has my son.. but we are just no sub for the real Man of the house.

So Josh when you get home..

The downstairs toilet is clogged.. I tried plunging it.. still.. it is not going down and if it is flushed there will be an overflow..

I got a flag pole and American flag to hang out on the front porch.  We tried using the drill gun to hang it with the screws it came with.. but I am weak.. lol and it is an allummanim post.. are you even supposed to screw in to it?  If not I just wasted money because there is no where else I want to fly the flag.

Speaking of drill gun.. The screws that hold the dishwasher in place in the cabinet are all loose.. and have come out.  I can only find one screw and tried to put it back but I think you may want to look at that when you get home.

We were going to mow the lawn.. no relay!! But can't get the lawn mower to start. I don't know why.. it has gas in it.  Pulling on the starter rope for half an hour really did work my muscles and Zanes lol.

And the children have seem to of grown deaf!  I tell them, "Don't eat anywhere but in the kitchen" and two seconds later.. right in front of me, what are they doing??? Eating and Drinking in the living room.  I tell them, pick up, do your chores, but they don't seem to understand my voice.  The only thing that does get them going is the threat of your belt.

And while all the hugs and kisses from the children do comfort me when I am feeling lonely, they are not what I need.. You will be working over time when you get home I think so make sure you are properly hydrated dear and are full of energy.

Josh is supposed to be home this week.. not sure when.  They keep pushing it back because of the weather.  I am hoping for the weekend and if it is sooner than that I will be surprised but verrrrrrrrry happy.

FYI.. I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!! AND AWAY FROM THESE CHILDREN!!  awww but... SUMMER SCHOOL starts tomorrow!! Whoot Whoot!!


CarnivAOL and what is a Pollyanna..

CarnivAOL is back this week.. so be sure to check it out if you are thirsty for some good reading.  I submitted my Pollyanna entry for this week.

So what is a Pollyanna and why did I choose to use that title to go along with that post??


A long while ago.. maybe even a year or two now, some one accused me of being a Pollyanna in the comment section of my journal. It was meant to be insulting and rude but actually I saw it as a complement.  I remember seeing that movie with the young Hayley Mills in it and knew the charter was sweet, kind and got under ppl's skin for just being her loving self. So to call me a Pollyanna.. really does not bother me that much, actually it was kind of encouraging lol.

Lately I have been reading in the blog-o-sphere some dark poetry and stuff that is just opposite to who I am.  I understand it, been there, and done that but I felt that some my get the idea because I don't write moody commentary or gloomy feelings that I can be written off, that I don't have anything to contribute, that I am just not as creative.  My Pollyanna entry was me venting about that feeling and telling myself who I am and kinda taking ownership over being called a Pollyanna.  I know I am not a total Pollyanna.. I am not that good..just yet lol.. but she is not a bad person to aspire to be like in my opinion.

Here is what Wikipedia has to say about Pollyanna and how it has been used in our modern day language.

Pollyanna is a 1913 novel by Eleanor H. Porter that has become a classic of children's literature. A series of Pollyanna sequels (Glad Books) were later published by Elizabeth Borton.

Pollyanna tells the story of a young girl named Pollyanna who is adopted by her very wealthy Aunt Polly after her father's death. Upon Pollyanna's arrival, the dispiriting town in which her aunt lives becomes miraculously pleasant and healthy due to the gladness the child has brought.

Through the success of the book, the term "pollyanna" entered the language to describe someone who is cheerfully optimistic. It then became by extension (and contrary to the spirit of the book) a somewhat derogatory term for a naïve person who always expects people to act decently, despite strong evidence to the contrary. The real theme of Pollyanna is that she kept the spirit of forgiveness towards all and could find gladness for whatever was given her.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Word Of The Day: refulgent

brought to you by

• refulgent •

Pronunciation: ree-fUl-jênt • Hear it!

Part of Speech: Adjective

Meaning: Shining brightly, resplendent, illustrious.

Notes: This Good Word is a shining example of a word with a happy and supportive lexical family. The noun may be refulgence or refulgency; however, if these do not please you, refulgentness is also available. The only choice for an adverb is refulgently.

In Play: In July of 1838 a young radical by the name of Ralph Waldo Emerson addressed the seniors of Harvard Divinity School, saying, "In this refulgent summer, it has been a luxury to draw the breath of life. The grass grows, the buds burst, the meadow is spotted with fire and gold in the tint of flowers." Literal or figurative shining may be conveyed by today's word: "Fred's face was refulgent from hearing about his promotion as he emerged from the boss's office."


You could see the inner joy she had reflected all over her face by its refulgent glow that would shine everytime she said HIS name.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Word Of The Day: Soldier

Today's Word is brought to you by

• soldier •

Pronunciation: sol-jêr • Hear it!

Part of Speech: Noun

Meaning: 1. A member of the army or armed forces. 2. An enlisted man or noncommissioned officer in an army. 3. A member of a social insect species whose job it is to defend the colony, as a soldier ant or bee.

Notes: Today's Good Word is so familiar that it has developed a large and healthy family. The adjective is soldierly "like a soldier", as soldierly behavior and the quality of being a soldier is either soldierliness or soldiership. All the soldiers of the world or any subgroup of them comprise a soldiery, a word that can also mean "knowledge of military matters". The noun itself becomes the verb, for every active soldier soldiers.

In Play: Soldiership, of course, is not something we play at. It is an activity that the soldiery of the world takes very seriously inasmuch as soldiers stake their lives in their occupation. In the US today we pause to display our respect for all those soldiers who have fallen around the world for causes in which they believed.


What does it mean to be a soldier in God's Army?  We fight not flesh and blood but spiritual principalities with the double edge sword of the Word Of Truth.  With Jesus Christ as our general and a full armor he has given us, how can it be that it seems we are loosing out in this culture war?  Many are deserting and falling to the propaganda of the enemy, the father of all lies.  The faithful are growing fewer and fewer.  Has God's Army grown timid? Content to be occupied instead of conquering? But have no fear, the battle lines are just being drawn and the final battle has yet to come.  Our commander has the enemy's play book and has shared it with us.  He is just preparing us for that day when He comes and gathers the troops and changes the corruptible into the incorruptible and the war will be brought to the Earth and victory will be claimed over Satan.  In that day you are either with God or against him.. who's side will you be on?

Echos threw History.. read it, remember it, live it.

I wanted to write something for Memorial Day but my own words fail me.  I don't think I can appreciate to the fullest what this Holiday is to mean and I think it is lost to most of us lazy, ungrateful Americans who forget our past and the sacrifices made on our behalf.  Even now as our nation is currently at war, if it doesnt touch us close or know someone personaly it is easy to think it is a far off thing that can go to the back of our mind.

My son is starting to be a Civil War buff.  They covered it in his 5th grade social studies class this year and for what ever reason he really enjoys learning about that era. When they have shows on the History Channel or Discovery he drives me nuts by pre-programming them in and often times it is on after his bed time.  He leaves books all over the house and now and then I pick them up and actually see what my boy is learning. In the upstairs bathroom he had one about the Gettysburg Address.  

Now I am sure I have read the story before and who hasn't heard the Address it's self in every elementary school but I gleaned new things from reading it again as I sat on the throne or the thinking chair as it is sometimes refereed to.  I didn't know or remember that this famous speech was given at a dedication of a grave yard for those on both sides of the Civil War, that the citizens of the town of Gettysburg had raised the fund from states all over our country to make one befitting those who had fought and died.  I also didn't know that Lincoln was so unpopular in his time either nor that he had drafted this address over three times wanting to get it just right and in the end went for a shortened version because he knew he would be following a long winded speaker.  His words echo down threw our history, reminding me to remember those who have died, past and current wars and what they have died for, so that they may of not died in vain,

"that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

Take a few moments of your time to re-read this speech that you may of heard long ago and let it sink in today of all days. 


Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that the nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Source: Roy P. Basler, ed., The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln, vol. 7 (1953-1955), 22.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Word Of The Day: cancrine

Word of the day brought to you by

• cancrine •

Pronunciation: kang-kreen • Hear it!

Part of Speech: Adjective

Meaning: 1. Crab-like, having the features and characteristics or the shape of a crab (cancriform); crooked, bent, moving sideways. 2. Related to crabs.

Notes: Watch it! I am always crabby.The English language exhibits an odd quirk when it comes to the names of animals: while the names themselves are of native Germanic origin (dog, cat, cow, horse, pig), the neutral adjectives that semantically correspond to those names are all borrowed from French (canine, feline, bovine, equine, porcine). This may be the case because we tend to associate negative characteristics with animals which carry over to their native adjectives: dogged, catty, cowish, horsy, piggy or piggish. Today's good adjective is among their number: cancrine is the neutral adjective because crabby has such pejorative connotations.

In Play: Crabs are taken to have jagged shapes, so today's word most often refers to squarish, jagged figures: "Dutch Masters wrote his name in a cancrine scrawl that couldn't be read but also couldn't be mistaken for another hand." Although cancrine itself is not pejorative, its associations are not particularly pleasant (crabs and cancer), so it can serve to underscore words that are already pejorative: "Featherstone's greasy leather jacket bore a cancrine swastika that announced his personality long before you were within range of his voice."

 So that  he would not fall to a horrible death, he scurried about the jagged rocks in cancrine movements.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Word Of The Day..

Word of the day brought to you from

• snool •

Pronunciation: snul • Hear it!

Part of Speech: Noun

Meaning: An extreme toady, a willing kow-tower, someone who submits tamely to oppression, a 'yes man'.

Notes: Today's word holds no spelling or pronunciation traps. It is a lexical orphan without derivatives though it may be used as a verb: to snool is more natural than the Chinese word kow-tow. It is a useful substitute for all those horrible phrases, such as to brown-nose, to suck up to—all of which have unpleasant connotations.


When she asked if the BBQ could be moved to another location and in a way insulting me and my home, anger rose up in me and I finnaly broke out of the snool mold I had been in for months.

Dream a Little Dream Of Me.. and My lost friend

I had a dream... and I don't remember them all that often.  It filled me with a sad longing and a bit of hope.  God seems to be bringing these recurring themes in my life about friends and friendship.  Why?!!!  It is such a sore spot right now and I would just love for it to all go away.. lol but God what are you trying to show me?

I dreamed about that long lost friend I had wrote about last week.  In the dream I finally got to meet up with her.  I was so excited and nervous.  Her life style is way different from mine and I wasn't sure how it would all go.  But when I saw her it was like returning home.  She was the same old person I knew, only a bit taller.  The wise ass, sarcastic in a fun loving way but not and I could sense her pain underneath.  She was surrounded by party going girlfriends.  We were checking into some dive of an apartment with clothes and regular living trash scattered about.  The focus was on getting ready to go out. Make-up and cool club going stripper clothes and drinks and drugs and party music flowed about me. I could never really get her alone to talk to her.  I talked to her friends and got to know them and felt the eye of "who is this person trying to invade our space" and a light bit of integration from them.  I was out of place and felt a slight of embarrassment but wanted to push on in the dream because just to be close to her was making me happy.  Some how the conversation went towards the Internet and the blog I kept.  I asked if Tonya had seen it.. if she saw what I had written about her.  The friends laughed at me and said ya.. and she was not all that thrilled I would write such personal things about her for others to read, that she was ashamed and embarrassed over it and that is why she was having a hard time talking to me. (OUCH)  I tried to argue that I only said positive things, that I didn't point out any negatives.. but these so called friends like turned on me into demonic laughter.  Then one women came up to me, in a threatening way but some how it turned into a hug, she was crying in my arms and was seeking comfort.  I didn't know her but I had a scene she was my friend's lover and that filled me with mixed emotions.  I held her and told her of God's love for her despite her rebellion to him, that hewas right here for her waiting on her to call on his name.  I told her other things about her life that only could of came from the spirit.. and some how it worked out all ok.  I don't remember all of the dream.. just the highlights it seems.  It ended up with us in a bar or some kind of Supper Bowel Party where rich men who flirted with us and tried to get us drunk were.  One of those situations that would test me and my resolve it seems.  And I woke up wishing I could of at least dreamed about that heart to heart conversation with my friend but couldn't get back to it.

After I had written my org. post about my old friend I had did a bit of a web search for her.  I have done this before with no result.  I don't think she is into computers but may have a friend who is.  I did find a profile on myspace that fit her to a T.  Yes it was her.. I knew it was.. the pictures were kinda racy but I knew it was her.. I knew it. I compared the old picture I have of her to the new one that was posted.. It was her!! I have no doubt about it.  The profile said she had not been logged on since March so when I sent a message I was fully aware that it could be weeks or months before she would see it.  All I said was I was looking for my old friend and her profile seemed to fit her.. could it be?  I had a bit of hope.  You know I checked my messages everyday and looked at her profile praying over it hoping she would come back soon to see my message and friend request and that just by seeing my profile she would realize it was me and be just as happy to find me.  The other day I checked my messages to see if she had read mine yet... It had dissapeared.  I didn't think it had been 14 days and it should of still appeared in my sent box.   I went to look at her profile to re send... and .... it had been deleted. Her whole profile gone.  Oh NO, I thought.. did my message freak her out and she wanted to disappear.. or maybe a friend had set it up for her and they had a falling out and out of spite she deleted it.. I Just Don't Know.  And it seems, at least for now.. it is just not meant to be that I find my old friend.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Word of the Day..

As if I don't have enough e-mail filling my box, I signed up for the Word of the day from Maybe I will learn something.  In school the teachers used to always teach me that if you want to learn how to use a word and remember it, to use it in a sentence and then spell it out loud and then write it out 5 times.  Well.. maybe I'll just use it in a sentence lol

Today's word seems to of come at just the right time.  A perfect word to describe a certain some one.


Pronunciation: im-peer-i-ês • Hear it!

Part of Speech: Adjective

Meaning: 1. Imperial, related to or befitting an emperor. 2. Having the bearing, mien, superior demeanor, or attitude of an emperor; haughty, overbearing. 3. Taking precedent over all else, as food is an imperious need of animals.


She had an imperious personality. The world had to revolve around her and bow to her wants and needs. If you didn't want to play a part in her court she had no use for you and would cruelly dismiss you.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Not everyone Loves me..I get it.. Thanks.

Why do I bother?  Because that is who I am.  But sometimes it hurts so much! It's not fair.. NO.. it is not!!!  But that is how the world is.  Reach out and it will bite you back.  But not always.. and those rare times.. you will be blessed for it.
I've had two very hard blows recently and it makes me want to crawl in a corner and say screw it.. I don't need friends anyhow.  One long time friend told me she don't like me when I am not HIGH (she was high mind you lol but still that hurt..WTH.. you don't like the sober me you don't like the real me?) and another saying our personalities just don't mesh.. (and other words that she said in an oh so sweet I don't want to sound rude but.. tone and still was rude and cut me deep).  And thank you Barb for that comment in last is a very true quote from that movie.
"Oh, Polly, they are just mad because they don't understand what you've got or how to get it."  It is very encouraging but still I hurt.
Why do we bother investing time in friends?  Why do we allow our self to be emotionally open to others?  Why!?  Because it is very lonely behind a wall.  Because we are built to have relationships..with God and with others. Because we want to love and feel love.  Because we don't grow well with out our friends there to bringing out the best in us.
I guess I am just feeling really hurt tonight and lonely.  Josh has been gone and wont be home for at least another week.  I need adult interaction and my one true friend has been busy (with said other friend) and I am feeling left out.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Go Ahead And Call Me A Pollyanna : )

My own thoughts may seem light and fluffy but still just as deep as yours.
No hate courses threw these veins. 
I have no rough edges to cut and mangle.
I am foreign to many, rejected because I don't subscribe to the alter egos. 
I prefer Truth over Fiction, reality over illusions. 
I am grounded and firm, not luke warm or wishy washy. 
Yes I had hurts and yes I had pain and oh oh yes I had shame but
I am now whole and free and that fills me with such glee. 
I traded my black robes and dark probes for white ones washed in the blood. 
I shall escape the coming flood.
No longer do I dwell on my past but look to the hope in the future.
I don't smoke dope or snort coke or shoot or drop. 
I don't need such prompts to be the real me or to feel open and elated. 
My integrity can not be debated. 
While happy is not popular or hip I can still throw something into the mix. 
My Love is no longer Pain, and a drain to the soul. 
I would rather bring other up then cling and sling and drown in sorrows.
I look forward to my tomorrows.
Go ahead and call me a Pollyanna.
(me at 3yrs old)

A worthy quote to remember

"What ifs are lies from the father of lies. They rarely materialize, but they are the fertile soil in which paralyzing fear thrives."  Ray Comfort

Schoooooolllllllssssssss out forever.. lol NOT

Weirdness. I am logged on but for whatever reason my journal doesn't recognize me and wont let me post from the home page???!!! SO I have to from IM.. and ugh. Anyone else having this prob?? (*UPDATED* It let me back in but now I am having probs commenting in other's)

I wanted to post about how today it is the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!! Summer has started at our house.. whoot whoot!! LOL Just 6 days till summer school starts.. counting it down already lol. I guess I should do something fun with the kids before then huh. All 4 of them are going to summer school so I am excited! It will be Sophia's first time away and mine all alone at home. But this summer school is fun and free. They are going to learn about rockets and beading and acting and go-karts and cupstacking.

So what should I do with the kids this week?? Money is a big issue so it has to be cheap or better yet.. FREE! Besides making them CLEAN.. lol. So far I have come up with flying kites at the park but other than that I am drawing a blank.. looking for suggestions!!


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Currently One of My FAVE Songs

MercyMe - So Long Self
From the album Coming Up To Breathe

Well if I come across a little bit distant
It's just because I am
Things just seem to feel a little bit different
You understand

Believe it or not but life is not apparently
About me anyways
But I have met the One who really is worthy
So let me say

So long self
Well it's been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long self
There's just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long self
Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me farewell
Oh well, Goodbye, don't cry
So Long Self

Stop right there because I know what your thinking
But no we can't be friends
And even though I know your heart is breaking
This has to end

And come to think of it the blame for all of this
Simply falls on me
For wanting something more in life than all of this
Oh, can't you see


Farewell, Goodbye
Oh so long self


I hear soon.. AOL will let us put codes for videos in our blogs.. but let's not hold our breath.  Check out my myspace blog for the video.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Monday Morning Question

If you were allowed to go back to a time in your life for two days and experience it with the knowledge that you have now, what time would you like to go back to and why?

I would want to go back just before my father died.  And since I would have all the knowledge that I do now and would know the Lord, I could have all these conversations with him about God and the Bible and just get to know my dad better and appreciate the time I had with him.  I would tell him how I forgive him for so much and how I really do love him and how I miss him.  I would tell him how awesome my family is that he never not get to see and how Zane that he adored and nick named his "tiger" (his first grandson and just a baby at the time) is turning out to be a wonderful young man and so smart just like he knew he would. 
When my dad knew that cancer treatment was futile and would not help him any longer he sat the family down and told us that he was going go die.  He said he was not afraid to die because he knew where he was going to go afterwards.  He didn't explain any further and he did go pretty fast after that.  I am not clear on what my dad's relationship was with God.  I know that after he got sick he got into the Bible and I was real surprised to learn after later from my mom that he was always seeking and had even help start a church in our home town. He had kept  my then boyfriend,now husband Josh (who lived with us) up late nights talking about his life stories.  Josh got to know a side of my dad that I just was not ready to hear about or understand. 
When my dad told us he knew where he was going.. I thought in my head secretly that "yess.. your going to Hell you bastard for all the stuff you have done to me and to our family".  I didn't want my father to die and I think I didn't really believe he was going to until he got so bad. My dad was a real strong person.. and one of those manly men that are getting to be so rare these days and to see him fade away was very hard for us all.  My dad took care of our family by many times working two or three jobs but he also was not perfect and had done many things to hurt us too.  I remember growing up always having a fear of him, walking on eggshells and even asking him a simple question made me hold my breath.  I remember I used to think and wish that he would never comehome from work and just stay away.  I think it is one of my great regrets and a shame that I didn't understand about forgiveness and extended it to my father while he was alive.  But maybe that is just how it was supposed to be, that God knew what it would take to get me to that place.  I believe my father is in heaven and is going to be one of the people I look forward to having long conversations with when I myself get there one day.


My Dad and new born Zane '94

There Is A Season is hosting Monday Morning Question.  So if you do a posting make sure to stop by and leave your link there and HERE so others can read too.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

What 10 things would you say to a friend you haven't seen in a long time?

What 10 things would you say to a friend you haven't seen in many years?
Every now and then my mind wonders back to my teenage year's best friend Tonya Ashley.  (If you know her please tell her Mary misses her!) 
1. I have missed you very much and think about you often.
2. I have a good life and for the most part am happy, are you?
3. I have tried to find you again and it hurt so much to go back to Vegas that last time knowing you were probably there somewhere and I couldn't see you.
4. I have worried about you and prayed for you, especially after our last conversation those years ago.
5. Are you safe now, have you settled down yet?
6. Have you learned to forgive those who have hurt you or do you still carry so much hate in you?
7. What happen to you in the past was not your fault and the things that were are all behind you.
8. You have a beautiful soul and are so loved, even when you try to push others away.
9. You are invited back into my life and I hope we can be even better friends then we were in our youth.
10.  Get your butt to STL and see me!!!

Thursday, May 18, 2006


Is it Thursday already??? This week sure has zoomed by!  Tomorrow is Friday and will be the changing of the guard so to speak for Journal Guest Editors.  My little claim to fame will be off the main blog page.  I have to tell you.. it was the highlight of my week. LOL


I just wanted to say to EVERYONE, THANK YOU!!

Thank you to everyone who has visited and decided to stay as a regular reader and thank you to those who left their links.. more new blogs for me to discover.  Thank you for blessing my friends and top picks by visiting them and commenting.

People put their heart and souls into their writing and their blogs.  For some it is the only place they can be the real them and others it is the only place where they can be heard out side of their heads and others it is just a passing phase in their life.  Either way blogging has become apart of our lives and we love it and it is here to stay.  Don't let some one look at you crazy when you tell them you Be A Blogger.. if they can't understand.. well duh.. then they just don't have a blog do they?!! LOL  Instead feel sorry for them.. that they just don't get it and are deprived the pleaser of blogging and knowing such other talented authors.  Each journal or blog is as special and different as people are.  And just like you can grow and learn by knowing new friends, you too can grow by sharing yourself to others and reading and commenting with others threw blogs.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Thirsty for more blogs???

Looking for more reading?? Check out CarnivAOL!!!  CarnivAOL is a new collection each week of submitted entries that AOL Journal Authors really like and want others to see and read.  Think of it as the best of the best entries.. you know.. that entry you put alot of hard work into and would just LOVEEEEE more ppl to come and see it.  Or if you just need a bit of variety.. need a new fresh blog to see.. this is a place to find it.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

A Mother's Day Blessing

I hope everyone's Mother's Day was wonderful and blessed.  Mine.. um well.. umm.. I don't want to sound ungrateful but.. needless to say my husband missed the mark. LOL  Let's just say I was not too happy with him.. in fact barely speaking with him.  I'll leave it at that.  But I did have some very cute and wonderful home made cards and gifts made out of play doe from the children lol.

I was feeling a bit down as we were at church.  Not really wanting to hear the sermon.. that was very interesting btw, I just wasn't there with it in my head.. ya know.  It amazes me that God is always with me and shows me his love and that I am not alone when I feel my lowest.  Sometimes it is threw a particular song that is special to me or a smile from some one or a squeeze of the hand from a friend or a scripture that is perfect for right then and there.

Here is the scriptures that lifted me up and reminded me just how loved I am..

Acts 3:2 And a certain man lame from his mother's womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple; 3 Who seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple asked an alms. 4 And Peter, fastening his eyes upon him with John, said, Look on us. 5 And he gave heed unto them, expecting to receive something of them. 6 Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk.Acts 3:7 And he took him by the right hand, and lifted [him] up: and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength. 8 And he leaping up stood, and walked, and entered with them into the temple, walking, and leaping, and praising God.

This scripture touches me on so many levels and those who know me well know why it is significant to me.  You see.. I used to be like that old beggar..not in the physical sense but in the spiritual.  Hurting and crippled even, from my past, begging God at his gates everyday.. forgive me, forgive me.. give me something.. anything that will get me close to you, that will help with this pain. I used the things of this world to try.. what ever would be dished out.. advice from friends, drugs and drinking, psychology, therapy,anti depressants,food, even trying to find joy in the family that I did have, any thing to fill that hurting void but nothing was helping. It was all temporary fixes. Then I learned the true meaning of Mercy and Grace.  That it was all done threw Jesus Christ, and I was broken spirit was made whole and I saw you didn't have to beg over and over for forgiveness and I didn't have to keep beating myself up or working off a debut that could never be paid in full.  To have that spirit of heaviness lifted.. it makes you grateful and your whole life changes.

It was special to me that Acts 3 was read at church on Mother's Day.. because I named my daughter that is in heaven after that temple gate, Beautiful.  God knew what I needed that day and he met that need abundantly.  Just like when I was sitting there searching for a name to give my child.. he knew and showed me that scripture.. .. I was told it would help my grieving if I asked God what sex it would of been and to name the baby. I remember it vividly, the searching for just the right name but nothing fit or seemed right.  I was asked to go to a  memorial service and I wanted something by then.  I took a drive by myself and was praying and praying.  I pulled into the parking lot of a "women's clinic" and sat there crying asking God to show me.  I decided to read my Bible.  I think I had just finished reading Matthew and being a new Christian at the time I wanted to know what happen next.. I turned to Acts and was reading and reading.  As soon as I finished chapter 3 I was stunned. Beautiful, Beautiful.. that is what my daughter is.  That is how God sees her and I think of her every time I hear those words.  And what God did for that beggar is exactly, EXACTLY what he has done for me!

God is SO GOOD.. All the time!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Mother's Day. . . Pleasant or Painful?

Mother's Day is bitter and sweet for me.. I know I will have much joy with my children who are here with me but I will always remember the one I carelessly let go.  I dedicate this post to anyone who may be hurting over a loss this Mother's day and also to say... I LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL AND MISS YOU EVERY DAY.. 


I receive a monthly news letter from Silent No More Awareness and I wanted to share some of the thoughts in it from this month's with you all bellow.  

Mother's Day. . . Pleasant or Painful?

When you think of Mother's Day, what comes to mind? Flowers? Candy? A special brunch at her favorite place? Just the right card that says exactly how you feel?  Or, have you sometimes searched for a Mother's Day card and never found one that seemed completely appropriate?
For many of us, Mother's Day brings special thoughts of a loving mom:

She is always there when we need her
She meets our physical and emotional needs
She nurtures, inspires and encourages
She is our role model; we want to be just like her!

We have warm, pleasant feelings when we think of mother.  That is what God wants for us: "..." a mother caring for her little children"      I Thessalonians. 2:7
For others, thinking of mother brings hurt and pain. Maybe....

Your mother left, or otherwise abandoned you
She abused you or allowed someone else to hurt you
She put her needs first and allowed your needs to go unmet 

Some of our mothers have failed us and we sometimes carry that hurt in the form of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness.  God never intended for us to be hurt by our mothers. He wants us to forgive, just as he forgives us. "Forgive and you will be forgiven." Luke 6:37c
And many others experience profound grief and sorrow when reminded of Mother's Day:

A mother who has lost a child to death
A mother who has lost a child to addictions
A mother who has lost a relationship with her child
A mother who has lost custody of her children
A mother who has placed a child for adoption
A woman who has chosen abortion
A woman who has suffered a miscarriage
A woman who cannot conceive or carry a child
A woman whose mother has died

God knows of our hurt, pain and sorrow. He wants to bring you comfort today:  "As a mother comforts her children, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:13
So, celebrate this Mother's Day by knowing that you have a heavenly parent (God) who loves you! Unconditionally, completely and eternally; and if you trust in Him, this is His promise: "never will I leave you, never will I forsake you"  Hebrews 13:5

Please receive God's love for you deep into your heart. He loves you with an everlasting love and so do we.

If I woke Up Perfect Today...revisited

This is a reposting from an entry I did wayyyy back in Feb '04.  I had to really search for it too.  But this is how I feel (yet again) this morning and I needed to read it so I thought I would share.

If I woke up Perfect Today...

How I wish I woke up perfect for you today.  If I had, the laundry would always be done, folded and put a way, no more piles spilling over onto the floor. If I had, the dishes would always be done, dried and put away, never left sitting in the sink or counters. If I had woke up perfect today all the floors would be swept, moped and shining. The beds would be made and the bedrooms clean. If I had woken up perfect today, I would be a better parent and our children would be taken care of just as they should, groomed, fed, smiling and happy. I would be a better wife, always putting my husbands needs above my own.  If I had woken up perfect today, I would not be selfish.

I wish the perfect switch had gone off in my head the moment my eyes opened and all my flaws would have vanished.  We would have a perfect happy home and perfect happy family.  I would be more happy, more loved, and there would never be any fighting.  

But Today I did not wake up perfect, So God I am asking you to PLEASE help me in all my failings. Help me to be a better housekeeper, better wife, better mother, better friend.  Help me to have the drive to do the things I know I should be doing. Help me not to get distracted in what I know I should be doing for my family. Put that love in me so I will want to do these things with the right attitude. I know I will never be perfect until you are finished with me, so I give it all over to you to work in me.


I remember when I wrote that.. oh the tears, and I cry as I read it again.

My husband does not blog, and he hardly answers his e-mail and never IM with ppl that he doesn't know.  He isn't into this kind of stuff like I am. He only has his lap top because he was traveling for work so much and wanted to keep in touch with us better and ohh it has a spiffy dvd player/burner and big '17 screen. He has other passions and priorities and he doesn't always get why I like this forum so much and sees it more as an obstacle then something that helps me reach out into the world, that helps me learn and grow.  Now.. I have been alot better this past year about my computer time (as you can see by my lack of postings and how far apart they can be) and sometimes that desire just isn't there because *whoohoo* I am busy with *LIFE*.

I got to tell ya.. being asked to be Guest Editor.. it is something I am so esctaic about and I put ALOT Of energy into that post for it!  Like two days!  So I have been up late.. house work has suffered and all the things I know I should be doing but hey I had to get that done! I have been using hubby's new laptop because my old computer is slow and tiered and ohh it was unhooked because we cleaned the carpets in the den/office and he  never hooked it back up for me. It is so nice to be in the living room on the wireless laptop or take it up to the bedroom. But my ever understanding man.. was so frustrated with me this morning that he took it away.. packed it up and took it with him to work and screamed that I could hook my own computer back up if I needed to (ugh) and get something done around here already!

How much you think I have gotten done or even felt like doing since this morning? At least I got a shower lol!!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I'm The Guest Editor this week!!! Celebrating The Mom's Of J~Land

Guest Editor!!!! Me!!!! THANKS JOE for the invite!
Sheesh.. about time!  (JUST KIDDING OF COURSE)
So this is the section where I introduce myself and say welcome to my personal thoughts and public rants and my point of view, that's why I call it My OPEN Journal after all (in a PG/PG-13 kind of way).  I have been blogging away at AOL Journals for.. humm.. hold on, have to look at the counter (that got set back last week)..Ok ya, since Aug of '03.  Wow has it been that long?  Aww.. good times, good times. 
I am a simple kind of gal that enjoys being a stay at home mother to 4 children, married going on 10 years and still very much in love, new house.. dog.. cat.. ya.. I seem to have the whole shebang and now that I am finally Guest Editor I can die happy (again, jk... it's cool but I still have lots to accomplish here before I go home to the Lord) Anything else you need to know about me can be found in my profile page or here in my journal. 
Being Guest Editor is a unique opportunity and you would think it would be a snap to single out worthy journals for your consideration.  I have to confess.. My Alerts are always over flowing because I enjoy keeping up with so many blogs and to narrow my choices was a heart wrenching task!  Joe insisted I didn't have to have a theme or anything but I thought I would keep the tradition alive of having one.. like back in the day when the Journal Editors did the Daily Top 5.  Plus having a theme helped me cut my long list down and tie them all together.
So..Here you go! Visit, Enjoy, Comment and Set Your Alerts or Feeds.
Mothers, they are so much more than the life-givers but more like the life-shapers.  Almost no one has more influence over your life then your Mother. Yet often we over look the hard working, dedicated mother and her advice or we don't value her for her important role in society. In honor of Mother's Day this week and since AOL EDITORS has given me the Liberty to do so, I have chosen Six of my favorite mothers from across J~Land to be up in the spot light.  So take notice of these wonderful moms but look closer you may just see they are also so much more.. you may discover a friend.
Barb from South Texas is a Stay At Home Mom of two, her Bubba & Bug.  She is one of the inspirational charters in J~Land and well worth a visit. 
Lisa Joe, hard working mother of two teenagers and has a slight obsession over George Clooney.  Lisa Joe is very beloved despite her tag line that she is damaged goods. Damaged Goods
Christy is currently living over in Germany and is married to a soldier that is deployed to Iraq. She is a mother of 2, with one in heaven. I applaud how she can keep it all together while chasing the little ones and still dealing with the loneliness of being an Army Wife.
Susan is a Strawberry Shortcake freak and mother of two.  While we all have our ups and downs she encourages us that "Things are growing better all the time!"
The Strawberry Patch
Lori is the mother of two well rounded grown daughters who survived home schooling. She's that perfect house wife with the maculate floors and color coordinated bedwear.. withDOGS.. how does she do it? Humm.. maybe we need to take notes from her journal lol.
Mrs. Peachy.. got to love her.  She is that no nonsense kind of mom that WILL tell you like it is and won't take excuses.  Mother to two boys and an employee in an alternative high school with the heart of Gold.
Those are my top "Mother" picks but the idea I was originally going to go with were blogs with authors who are tortured souls or passionate people who air their sappy life stories and problems yet are lovable at the same time or poetically relate their life happenings and view points. I think there is something there for everyone to associate with.  I hope after you read and enjoy my first six picks you'll also visit these other ones that are on my current reading list.
Mack Danger: Danger's Blog, located on   A talented guy who posts about his life and how he deals with chronic pain from cluster
head aches but also has a funny side.  He has some off colorhumor, so beware.. there may be some profanity.
Chad and Christy's war blog.. both point of views of army life and
being deployed to Iraq:
Hunter'sblog about his faith and beliefs and asking people to prepare for THE END. For someone who is just 18, he can be pretty serious and deep and very passionate:

Mark's Music Journal. His weekly picks reflect his mood on life. I am
totally clueless about music so I always find something new threw him.
Brian who lives in Kenya. The BloggerNaut (another myspace blog),
where he posts his poetry that raises awareness about issues effecting
him and his life.  He is very talented (and published)! I can only wish to write a Haiku so well!
Bill's Comments On The Event's Of My Life.  I so love him! He is like the father figure I wish I had. Life perspectives on retirement in Las Vegas, a decant guy from NY who cares for his wife and mother and dogs deeply. 

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Writing Prompt: What Does Love Sound Like?

What does Love sound like?
Gentle waterfalls pouring down on polished rocks?  Passionate moans in a foreign tongue?  Accolades from those you respect?  An Alleluia Choirs?  Children laughing?  The voice of your mother comforting you when you were sick?  The rush of the wind and the roar of the Harley?  The welcome home bark from your faithful friend at the door?  The sizzle of a smoky grill with a fat juicy stake being charred?  The Wedding March performed by a string quartet?  The ring of a cash register?  The clang of the roulette wheel spinning?  The silence of midnight in the garden?
While all are very lovely sounds and I am sure some will agree with one or two things from that list, I will have to say no to all of them.  For me what true love sounds like is simply the TRUTH spoken.  When you really love someone, if you are really a friend or a lover, the best sound is the Truth.  While at times the Truth can hurt and not seem like it is given in love, still it is better than lies that keep you in the DARK groping for the LIGHT.  When you hear and know the Truth and respond to it.. that is what Love Sounds like.
Trying to get back into a creative groove and exercise that all important muscle the brain. (National  Novel Writing Month will be upon us before we know it!)  A new site I found with helpful ideas to get the juices flowing is, a sister site to

Monday, May 8, 2006

Public Service Announcment: HPV.. don't ignore this one!

It seems these days we are inundated with causes and campaigns to raise awareness for this or that. There are all sorts of bracelet, t-shirts, commercials, billboards and mass e-mails employed to get our short attention span.  Unless we have been personally effected I think we often just over look such things as part of a growing fad. (or is that just me?)

When I first saw on tv the actresses asking you to tell some one about cervical cancer and the connection to it with HPV I honestly just shrugged.. and after the fifth time started rolling my eyes.  I don't know why.. indifference.. laziness.. boardum.. frankly it just didn't click with me that I actually knew some one effected by HPV.  Then yesterday I got an e-mail asking you to pass it on with a link to get a free bracelet kit.. I was slightly annoyed for some reason... don't know why..maybe I am sick of all the fwds I have been getting or the junk flooding my e-mail or the thought of ANOTHER bracelet.. that idea has been so over played right, but before I clicked delete  my mother came to my memory and what she had told me a few years ago.  I felt a prompting to reply to this e-mal the facts about HPV that I knew of second hand, that HPV is preventable.. it is spread threw sexual contact.  I started to get a bit upset that fact was not stated directly in the commercial or the e-mail going around.

My mother had been married to my father since she was 19 and only had one previous sexual partner (that's what she told me and I tend to believe her).  They had been married over 20 yrs when my father died of lung cancer.  During the course of their marriage my mother had had problems with cysts and cervical cancer and a few miscarriages that I don't really know much about.  At the time the doctors didn't know about HPV or had a dianossies for it.  I know my father had at least one affair and my mother attributes her later dianossies of HPV from him.  My mother eventually had to have a full hysterectomy and is still dealing with her anger towards my dead father for what she feels he indirectly caused.

Here are some facts:

Genital HPV infection is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) that is caused by human papillomavirus (HPV).

The types of HPV that infect the genital area are spread primarily through genital contact. Most HPV infections have no signs or symptoms; therefore, most infected personsare unaware they are infected, yet they can transmit the virus to a sex partner.

Most women are diagnosed with HPV on the basis of abnormal Pap tests. A Pap test is the primary cancer-screening tool for cervical cancer or pre-cancerous changes in the cervix, many of which are related to HPV.   (The pisser is there is No test developed for MEN to see if they have it and if they are potently spreading it)

There is no "cure" for HPV infection, although in most women the infection goes away on its own.

The surest way to eliminate risk for genital HPV infection is to refrain from any genital contact with another individual.  HPV infection can occur in both male and female genital areas that are covered or protected by a latex condom, as well as in areas that are not covered. While the effect of condoms in preventing HPV infection is unknown, condom use has been associated with a lower rate of cervical cancer, an HPV-associated disease.

And here is something to chew on the next time you think of "hooking up" with that hottie:

Approximately 20 million people are currently infected with HPV. At least 50 percent of sexually active men and women acquire genital HPV infection at some point in their lives. By age 50, at least 80 percent of women will have acquired genital HPV infection. About 6.2 million Americans get a new genital HPV infection each year.

Chances are that I may have HPV, even though I have been married for 10 yrs.. both my husband and I had previous sexual partners and my mother fears my sister and I could of been infected by our own father since he abused us. (Boy he is really sounding like a bastard huh).

What it all boils down to.. reduce your sexual partners.. ie.. wait for marriage and stay faithful to that covenant.. because if you don't you could be risking your life or the life of your future mate.  And that goes with out saying for all STDS.. this one is just on the "get the word out list" this week.

Ladies get regular check ups and pap tests, even if you have been making healthy choices.  I am the first to admit guilt in this area.  I have not had one since I had Sophia (who is almost 5yrs old).  Believe me.. it is on the top of my to-do list today, find a doctor and make an appointment.

And men.. if you love your wife or future wife, stay faithful NOW.  Don't be the bastard that contributes to her getting cervical cancer and possibly contributing to her death.

CDC Fact sheet on HPV


Thursday, May 4, 2006

I'll take WINNERS for 500 Alex

Remember last month when I was talking about my boy genius and his chance to audition for Kids Jeopardy? Well, today was the big day. 

You would of thought he would be reading dictionaries and encyclopedias like crazy and reading endless books with useless information in preparation.. but no, not my son.  He was more concerned over the model of the repository system that he was making for a school project and how he was going to drill for the tubing he wanted to connect. And I know if it was me going to try out for something so big, I would be a nervous wreck the week leading up to it.. but not Zane.  He was excited sure, but other then saying it's nice to get out of school early ,that was all the anxiety he showed over the whole thing.  It must be nice to be that cool under pressure! lol.  I tried very hard not telling EVERYONE I know about the audition.. just in case he didn't pass the test.. I admit.. I was a bit nervous that he would be pitted up against some BIG FAT brain child with supper DNA and he may be physiqued out... but I have told him the whole time.. just have fun, making  it about having fun baby.

Josh took Zane downtown to the appointment but I got to pick him up from school first.  I gave him a pep talk and told him how proud I was of him just for trying.  He was too funny when he said he thought he was going to see Alex Trebec there.  I tried not to laugh at his naiveté and told him that he is just the host on the Show.. they have assistants that scout for the contestants.  We filled out the informal information sheet about his interests and school activities and what he wanted to be when he grew up(writer/director btw).  I made sure his collar was straight and that he brushed his teeth and washed his face and hands and then kissed him good bye and waited for the news.

The suspense is killer lol  Josh called me twice.  First time he called while Zane was in taking the the test.  He said there were LOTS of kids there and from ALL OVER, some came from as far as Texas and Indiana.  He retold me some of the info the guy told him about the process and all that.  Then MORE waiting by the phone.  I am glad Josh was there and not me.  I would of been pacing the floors and probably making Zane more nervous than anything lol.  Josh called me again saying that Zane passed the test and was going on to the interview and the mock game with the other kids who passed.  He said out of all those kids who took the test only 10 passed!!  Also a news crew was there taping for channel 5.. so there may be a story about them on tonight!

So it is official.. my son is in the pool of potential conestances to be on Kids Jeopardy!  We won't know if he is going to be ask to be on until August.  I know there may be a large group for the show to choose from since they are holding auditions in 10 cities.. so it is a wait and see sort of thing.  But still, just the thought is exciting!  Keep Zane in your prayers and who knows, you may see him on TV one day.

Also.. speaking of winning.  He just told us yesterday about his D.A.R.E. graduation.  To graduate everyone had to write an essay (I remember him hemming and hawing about it).  The graduation ceremony is tomorrow.  As a bonus they choose from each class one essay that was the best..... and you guessed it.. Zane' won!

Yes I am one proud mother over here!

Monday, May 1, 2006

Christ The Lord, Out Of Egypt by Anne Rice. My Review

Last week when I was preparing for my get away vist to Josh on the road, I picked up this book.  You may remember the entry I posted in January about my past love for Anne Rice and my joy that she had decided to write now for the Glory of God but also my hesitation to read this book.  I was at Best Buy buying a new vacuum cleaner before I left town and choose to get a book from there because I was in a hurry to get on the road but knew I would have free time at the hotel while Josh was working.  I choose this one because there was not much of a selection and it was marked down. 

I have mixed feelings about this book but over all I would recommend it as a good light historical read keeping in mind that I do not agree with some of the themes told from Jesus childhood perspective.  The best thing to do is read Notes From The Author at the back of the book first (I didn't until the end of the story).  Anne gives her thoughts and sights her sources and offers a suggested reading list and gives details on how her journey lead her to writing this particular book.  I do look forward to her next book when ever she may finish it and am glad I can enjoy her work again that encourages me to think on spiritual matters instead of things that are opposite to Phil 4:8.

What I liked about this book was it could give you the feel of Jesus Christ's human side.  At first I was perplexed on why Anne would portray him as frightened and scared in some of the passages but upon thinking about it, it made sense that she would.. that Jesus would actually feel fear, and cry, and have all the human feelings we all do and seek comfort and understanding.  That was partly why he came from heaven to earth.. God in the flesh, to share in all the human experience, to know all the same emotions, sorrows, and situations we go threw.. to relate to us on an even deeper level.  It is a comfort to know that when I am hurting and when I cry that Jesus went threw the same feelings, he knows just how I feel because he felt it too.

I also really liked all the historical info and time line relevance in this book.  She puts in context the governing bodies and how the people of Israel related and felt about them. I could really understand threw the eyes of the charters what it may of been like to be alive in those years of history. The tug and pull between the Roman rulers and the Jewish Monarchy that was in place, The Priests and Rabbi,the different sects and the weariness of the people and seeing just how turbulent that time period was.  It was a perspective I have never really considered before.

What I totally loved about this book was reading and learning about the Jewish culture and traditions in those times.  I have a  respect for Jewish traditions and always have enjoyed learning more about it because after all Jesus was Jewish and when you can grasp the deeper meaning of some of the customs you can put into context and see the scriptures in a different light, how it all fits perfectly together.  Anne describes The Temple beautifully and I longed to really see it and be there and walk threw those gates too.  All the details she gives about the sacrifices and priests and the worshipers and the meaning for Passover and the importance of Jerusalem and The Temple to the Identity of Israel were so abundant and wonderful.  ( I'd love it if Lori read this book and gave her thoughts about those parts in it).

About the only thing I DID NOT like about this book was some of the doctrinal things that I have conflict with.  But I knew that going in she was Catholic and adhere to those traditions taught.. Mary remained a virgin after Jesus's birth and that James was Jesus's older brother by Joseph from a previous marriage.. and the miracles that Jesus performed as a child.  Other then that it was a good story about what it may of been like when Jesus and his family came back from Egypt to their small village, what their life may of been like and how Jesus may of learned or discovered the details of his birth and starting to realize just who he is.