Sunday, June 7, 2009

Exactly what I would of said If I blogged about it

Here is a link to my friend's blog who conveys almost to a T what I would of written or the thoughts I have had swirling around on the subject of Tiller and his murder. I know it's been over a week since this event but it's a big heavy deal and I have had so much going on but dying to blog about it. So if you are wondering what I have to say, Lazy Mary is pointing you here

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The weekend recap

I had a meeting at Central Office for work Friday. The nurse on staff is flipping out about the swine flue and MERSA and stocked us up on these masks and gloves and hand sterilizer. Gloves, yes, hand sterilizer, yes.. but this mask LMBO!!! Can you imagine me walking into your house with one of these on? I would think this would scare ppl more than anything.. If they are sick.. I am not going in and if I am sick... I am not going out anywhere. But yes as far as I am up to date with the news there have been 2 cases in Missouri reported but none near me. I do hear these masks are all the new fashion rage in New York.. where the virus has the most reporting in the country. In all honesty I think the virus is smaller then what this mask would hold out.

Me And My Old Many on my cell phone camera. Yes I love him even if he is starting to get big scary with where his wild imagination is taking him. If he keeps it up I don't know how much I can keep laughing it off and start to get real pissed off.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm!! wish I could of ate the whole plate my neighbors made of these yummy chocolates. The desire is there but my tummy is unwilling.

You may see the handsome fly teenager going off to the dance.. I still see my baby boy 3yrs old running around yelling his head off "I'm the Bam Bamm" I tried not to cry as he was getting ready or be too embarrassing. You know I embarrass him with any innocent comment and am rezined to not even ask how the dance went or how many girls he danced with or any of the natural questions you would ask.

And that's the weekend recap with pictures!

We were able to get the van back but its still a mess. Josh left tonight for out of town and I am determined to get this house all together for his mother. She should be here this time next week. And this time next week I will have missed my sis's baby shower and Mother's Day with my mom. They are still trying to convince me to come up even if they get me a ride and pay for it but it just isn't going to happen. *insert big pout here*

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

When will it be ok again?

I don't know where to start... been almost 3 months since I have really blogged, confided and vented to what used to be my favorite thing to do for years... and now I have almost no desire to write, be online, or even look at my e-mail.

I knew things would be getting harder, a fire being turned up for our benefit, I just was not ready to face it and really grow. I am happy, no, not happy but content with just getting by, a nice comfortable spot to dig in, hunker down and wait. God must be laughing right?

One disappointment after another, feels like Satan is working OVER TIME on me and my family. But I don't want to give him all the credit either.. I am human after all and still have problems with this old dead flesh and not making the right choices. If everything is a test.. then I must be failing miserably. How far does God's Grace really go?

And I know I am not alone in feeling this way or going threw hard times. Forgive me for not keeping up and being in my own drama filled world.. I know that is not how it is supposed to be.

I woke up this morning to my van missing out of my drive way and nasty dark skid marks trailing from where it had been. Stolen?.. Nope.. REPO, with my purse and work papers still in the vehicle. I had to miss a day of work to figure out who, what, when and where and how to get my belongings back and what it is going to take to get our van back. Josh is out of town working (thankful he is working but so much for that no more working out of town promise) and tried to do what he can from where he is. I had figure out how to pay $50 to not even get to see my van but to have my things handed to me in a trash bag. So humiliating! After all is said and done it's going to be $2,000 to get my main mode of transportation back. We are almost half way threw the loan and it will be so ridiculous to let it go now. We are going to try everything we can to get it together by Friday but it may be longer.. if we can arrange for it not to be taken to auction. I have to have a car to drive for work.. or I am no good at that job.. I drive all over the county from client to client.

How many new lows can we face.. I dare not ask because I am afraid to find out the answer.

Along with all that I have to cancel my trip home to see my sister and mother next weekend for Mother's Day and the baby shower. You don't even know how excited I was to see them.. its been 2years since I have seen my family and I had already canceled going on ladies retreat last month with church because of issues going on at home with me and my husband. (am not even going to go into all that here and now.. gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

But wait.. there's more!! My mother in law is moving in with us. She needed a place to "camp out for awhile" and we are excited to have her but I thought I was going to have more time to set up and get ready for her. Originally we had talked about the weekend after Mother's Day.. but now it's moved up to Mother's Day weekend. I have little over a week to get soooooooooooo much done! And limited funds, if any to get by on.

Ok.. so that is the negatives, surely I can find positives to help lift me up some:

Times like theses you find out who your real friends are.
I love my Mother In Law and know I can learn alot from her (she is an awesome cook, she can sew, she loves scrapbooking and is very crafty,it's spring and she loves to garden and Josh still snaps to attention when she says his full name).
An extra hand around the house will be helpful.
I still have a job even if my schedule keeps fluctuating.
Josh is working and can be home on the weekends.
Maybe I can go visit my family instead when my sister's baby is born.
I'm still in a size 10 and really am just 10 pounds away from being at my H.S. weight (although that is not always a positive.. I get bad attention cuz I look so good lol and my hubby has become insanely jealous and that fuels other issues. I am teasing that I am going to gain the weight back and maybe that will make things better)

So when will it be ok again? I don't know. I know I feel alot better that I have vented here and got a few Me Time minuets doing it. I miss you blog and blog friends!! Things being ok is a relative state of mind maybe.. I really still want to believe with God all things are possible and I am still after all a princes because I am the daughter to the King Of Kings.. Daddy!!! Help!!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

After the day I had yesterday, I deserved a home spa night!

I am going to try and NOT complain... but yesterday SUCKED!!! Work situations that I am obligated not to talk about and then extreme disappointment about a bra order that I had to cancel due to poor, very very poor customer service.. they lost alot of money from me and I will not be referring any one to Ann's Bra Shop ever again. I used to L O V E that place. I have been getting my bras from them since I needed nursing bras with Lilly and Sophia. I would tell everyone I know who needed good foundations that was THE place to go and worth the little extra. There is amost nothing in the world to make you feel so good about your self then a bra that fits correctly. But not anymore. I went three weeks ago to use the gift certificate Josh got me for Christmas. I got fitted and found the style I really liked (since the one I loved was discontinued in my new size). They only had one color in my size so I ordered 3 more in black and white. When I find something I like I try and stick to it, I hate change. It was promised to arrive in a week and I would be called. Two weeks went by so Josh and I went up there to check if it came in... THEY HAD BEEN PUT ON THE FLOOR AND SOLD! So I reordered them last Monday with direct shipping to my house.. they promised it would be here by Friday. I also bought an expensive swimsuit (it was 50% off but still pricey for me) Well the bra's had not come so we called up there yesterday..... and they had JUST ordered them the day before and said it would take 2-4 weeks to come in. I am leaving this week and I only have ONE bra that fits right! I normally don't go off on people but this was too much. I got a refund and Ugh, now I have to go bra shopping! Do you understand how much I dislike shopping??

But talk about the gift that keeps on giving. For my Birthday I received a nice goodie bag of spa products from the church I was a guest speaker at. I almost forgot all about it but decided I deserved a nice long soak in the bath last night. I rediscovered all the marvelous bath products. I will be raving about Village Naturals brand for ever and ever. I already had some of their stress relief and muscle relief lotions but the mineral bath soak and body scrub was new to me. I started with the bath soak and used a really nice facial mask. Then I used the sugar body scrub. I smell like sugar cookies now (hubby can't resist, its his fav cookie lol) Then I used the feet lotion and socks over night. I am soooooooooooo soft and refreshed! My skin looks awesome! I need to do that more often.

Aww.. today is another new day. Positives.. I don't have to get up at the butt crack of dawn every day for work anymore. I have a little extra time at home (Josh has been whinny about how much I have been working lately.. now he gets his wish but less money). One more day till I go on vacation!!!! I get to pack today and am sooooooooooo excited about my get away!! The only negative today.. I have to get out of bed LOL.

Saturday, February 14, 2009


Happy Valentine's Day! Today is supposed to be all about L O V E. For some it is just another day, a made up holiday. For others a day set apart to be with your sweetie and be all gushy and gooey.

So much as been written about Love, songs, books, poems. Money may make the world go round but Love is the axis it spins on. I was pondering on the word Love and what God has to say about it.
"What's Love Got To Do With It" Tina may sing but God says love is EVERYTHING, everything has to do with love.. its about relationships, with him, with you, with the world. Love is not just a feeling but an action

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. "
"For God so Loved the world"
"Greatest of these is love"
"Love eachother as I have loved you"
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

I've come to the conclusion I have to love everyone.. I may not have to like people all the time but I am compelled to love. God loved me so much he died for me, forgave me, and redeemed me. If he did so much for me, what little thing is it for me to share that love with others?

How do you love people in a wicked world? Trying to figure that out and work past some of my own hurts and pain. But I do know that to love some one you tell them the truth, you don't lie, and you are in many ways a servant who does what you can and try not to expect anything in return, rewards come later. Do I do that? I try, but I am not perfect (yet). Do people take advantage of me.. yup but there is a peace when you do what you know you were commanded to do. God can take what was meant for harm and work it for his glory. He knows my heart and that is all that matters.

So if I have done something nice, it's not because I am fake or trying to somehow gain something . It is just part of my new nature. Kindness, a smile, a hug, or just a listening ear sometimes makes all the difference in some one's day.. in their life!


Saturday, February 7, 2009

Uptate on my health. Before & After Pics

Me NewYears Eve 'O7
Me two weeks ago

Back in January I mentioned that I was going to the doctors for a physical. My weight loss has been concerning to some of those close to me. Since October my appetite has drastically changed and I have lost a ton of weight. I can't say the exact amount.. I refuse to own a scale but I go by how my clothes fit. I've gone from a 16/18 in jeans to currently a 10 and have gone down a cup size in bras.
When I did weigh in at the doctors I thought the scale was lying at 185.. surely I weigh less but maybe I was just that fat before and am now coming to realize how overweight I am. I look like a totally different person from a year ago. I went to the doctors again for follow up and have lost another 10 pounds in just 4 weeks. My first thought was... WOW just 25 more pounds and I will weigh about what I did before I had my first child... and I did the math in my head on how long it would take to get there if I kept at the rate I am at. I really want to start exercising and maybe join a gym to stay motivated.

My doctor did blood work and a chest x-ray last month. The chest x-ray was normal. THANK GOD. But my blood work ,the white cell count was up. She placed me on one of those 5 day antibiotics and retested me. It went down but not enough to make her happy. I went back in this last week for the follow up and told her maybe to test my urine.. I can have infection with out even knowing. We talked about that and my teeth. That seems to be her conclusion. I do have a slight blatter infection and I have to make my teeth a priority. I have no doubt my teeth may be a big cause of infection right now. When I had my wisdom tooth pulled in September the oral surgeon said he would not pull any more until I went to the dentist and came up with a plan. I know they all got to go and I need fake ones. I have known that for 5 years but have not had the money or the courage to get it done. Well dang.. I guess I can't keep putting it off if it is effecting my health, huh? It would be nice to have a big toothy smile again.. notice you will not see any pics of me posted with a open smile? They are bad bad.. a big source of embarassment for me. I almost don't want to go see my friend untill I have it done but the flight is booked, no going back now.
I asked my doctor if she was concerned about my weight loss and my appetite.. No not really. She seem to agree with me that my stomic has changed and it is my choice that I am loosing weight.. if I don't want to.. then eat more. That did not make my husband happy.. cuz he sees me at dinner time agonizing over a full plate of food.. wanting to eat it but only able to have a couple bites. Sometimes I am on the verge of tears because I am so mad that I can't eat what I really want to. Maybe what I really want to eat is not healthy and is too much in the first place. I look at the portions we give the kids.. portions I can't even eat right now. They finish it easily and ask for seconds. IDK.. maybe Josh is right.. I am developing an eating disorder (I say that in the most sarcastic, joking way possible, so not the case here)
So I am on another round of antibiotics and have an appointment in three weeks with the doctor...again. Now I see why my clients hate having all those doctor appointments!

We got our taxes back and have paid on bills. I need to let this sink in and be happy about it... THE HOUSE IS ALL CAUGHT UP! WE ARE OFFICIALLY CURRENT!!! That is so much stress off of us. Now if we can keep the payments perfect for the next year we can refinance. Spring is coming and work should be opening up for my hubby and I am due for a raise at my job. If anything is going to be good for my health and stress level it will be that. Josh getting back to work and us having our bills paid! We are doing ok now.. but it is a balancing act. I know its the same for almost everyone right now. I can't tell you how many people I know and meet that are laid off or are about to be. Missouri has one of the highest unemployment rates and they say it has not been this bad since the 30's. The state had to BORROW money from the fed to cover unemployment and I know they are making people jump threw hoops to get the small amount that is supposed to be available to those who qualify.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Planning a trip to TX

I love MYSPACE. Thanks to it I have gotten back intouch with so many old friends in the past year. It's awesome!! I have found with some people you can go 15yrs with out talking and pick right back up. and other people well.. maybe there is a reason they were out of your life in the first place (lol jk). Times and seasons.

I had moved around a lot growing up. I really don't have one particular place that I feel like is a home town. Around here in rural MO everyone you meet the first thing they ask is "where ya from" because you know it's obvious I am not from around here lol. Instead of taking 10 min to explain I went to 5 different high schools, lived in three different states, and been in this area for over 3 years, I say "I'm from all over". Just easier and quicker that way.

When I find some one from my past and actually get to talk and catch up, it's like roots. They knew me way back when and knew MY FAMILY. They can in some ways understand certain things about me and in another laugh at how I am so different now or in some ways the same. A connection to my past that for some reason God is bringing my way.

I am so excited to be planning a trip to TX to see one of these friends from way back. Hoping to be going at the end of the month for a long weekend. A mini vacation, a girls weekend and no kids or hubby. This will give me a chance to recharge and come back with different perspectives and appreciations. Sounds like I am going to need to dig out some summer clothes! And besides I have always wanted to see the Alamo.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


I think some one is messing with me.. its not cute, I have enough crazy in my life. STEP OFF SATAN!

I have been pretty lax with my e-mail so I have just about over 400 of them sitting there but I browse threw them when I can and try and read the personal ones and skip the dozen or so lists I am subscribed to. This week I noticed all of a sudden I am getting welcome e-mails from and Huggies, and Babynetwork and the such.. like DOZENS of these in the last few days. And I am not just talking a generic greeting but with my full name and sometimes my home address for confirmation. The first one I opened was one about due date calculator and stages of pregnancy... I have to tell you the truth, my heart wretched and sank as far as it could. And just now one about how my baby is now 3weeks old and how to deal with the sleep deprivation. If you remember I have been going threw baby craving badly lately and I have just about reconciled the fact that I am having no more (although embryo adoption perked my ears when I heard about it on the radio the other day). And I am having all sorts of emotions springing with this being the big week for Pro-Life events... the worst time for anyone to EVEN JOKE about me and babies! I am crying at the drop of a hat.. hormones in part likely but THIS does not help what so ever. I would like to assume the best but it feels like a very cruel slap right now. I have questioned the kids to see if they signed up on accident on lists or entered my e-mail on any webpages.. ofcourse they didn't and never would with out permission first but the only pregnant person I know personally is my sister who is 5months along and she would never use my address for anything. She lives in a whole other State. I just find the whole thing messed up and crap that I have to unsubscribe to all these e-mail list about a sensitive subject right now, that I have no clue how I got on!!

If that was it, ok what ever but things are getting strange. My cell was cut off two days ago and I am going threw major withdrawals.. I depend so much on my phone and helps me feel connected and available if anything happens to the kids while I am at work. I don't have a work number I can be reached at... I am all over the place for work and my cell is MORE than a convenience to me. Likely the cells wont get back on till next week if we can pay the bill. I NEVER give my home phone # out for work until now and even then it was to only 3 people, trusted people. When I got home today on my answering machine was a message for a lady saying she had a message to call _insert boss's name_ at this number and how disappointed no one was available, she really needs to make an appointment.. she talked with _boss's name_ and would like a call back. and left her number. It matched up with the name and number on the caller ID. I can't even go into all the ins and outs but that is NOT how things are done and it was very off. My number is no where near the office number, not even the same area code or county. Ofcourse I right away called my boss asking if she knew this lady and what she was talking about, did I miss something and all that. My boss had NO CLUE what or who I was talking about and said she would NEVER give my home number out like that and that I should disregard it, maybe some one got confused. OK I can understand clients getting confused, I work with elderly people but SOME ONE gave this person my number and how ironic that it's my private home number. Call me paranoid maybe but I just don't like it nor appreciate it!

I am seriously getting weirded out!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

~Wearing Black For The Rest Of The Week~

Showing off my necklace & earrings I got for my B-day

My Birthday Princess Tiara
I wish I had not waited so long to blog about last weekend and my Birthday. Now it's not fresh and I don't even know where to start, I really want to write about why I am wearing black for the rest of the week.
I'll just keep it short and sweet. Holding on by what it feels like just fingernails but I am looking forward to that turn in the bend, I have to hope its up ahead. And I am resolved not to complain when there are so many blessings.
I was carried over the weekend, that's how I got threw it, thanks for prayers! My Birthday was about like the last few, can I still say I'm only 29? My Mom and siblings all got my age wrong lol but that's ok.

I watched the big Historical Presidential Inauguration of our 44th. And now you know why I am in mourning and wearing black. I cried down on my knees when Rick Warren was praying the invocation "Lord Mercy, I know there is no turning back now". For one, if you are into End Time study and avid news watcher.. YOU KNOW what I'm talking about and for another all the rivers of blood that will be flowing because this Pro-choice administration is going to repeal and make it all the more easier to continue this American Holocaust. I know everyone is overwhelmed with some kind of hope in our new Pres, I can't help but wish for the best too, but I am afraid this country IS going to get what she asked for and has no clue.

Friday, January 16, 2009

There is Hope, There is Healing, There is Forgivness, part of my story

my memorial to my baby:
2And a certain man lame from his mother's womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple; 3Who seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple asked an alms. 4And Peter, fastening his eyes upon him with John, said, Look on us. 5And he gave heed unto them, expecting to receive something of them. 6Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk.
7And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up: and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength. 8And he leaping up stood, and walked, and entered with them into the temple, walking, and leaping, and praising God.

In so many ways I was that beggar at the gate called Beautiful. My wounds were not physical per say, but I did need healing and looked for outlets begging for a remedy. I could give you statistics and facts about post abortive women (and men) who link depression, drug use, relationship problems, spiritual problems, trouble connecting with children and some who may even abuse future children they may have, or seek a replacement baby, and some who can never have children at all because of that one choice. There is a saying, abortion doesn't solve anything but create more problems, you only end up with a dead child and a wounded mother.

When I had my abortion I was 15, had just moved back to a small town with my family for a "get back on our feet stay" with grandma. I had made the mistake of telling one of my friends about what had happen. I honestly don't remember telling anyone but I do remember my mom saying Don't Ever Talk About It again. God bless my mother, I love her so and have forgiven her for any part she played in the killing of my child but when some one is going threw post traumatic stress.. and that is exactly what it is like for a women/girl after she has gone threw it, the worst thing is to encourage them to stuff it down deep and never talk about it. But that is what I did. And that is normal apparently too.. many women can not face what has happen or what they have done for years after the fact. When they do face it they either become very pro-life or very pro-choice.. depending how they seek to heal.

I'll tell you how it effected me personally. I couldn't look at my family in the eye for a long time, especially my grandmother for some reason. Overwhelming shame but at first relief.. oh this problem is over. But I knew I had become yet another one of the family secrets that doesn't get talk about or if it does just not in front of me. I did get in a fist fight with my bother one time after he called me a baby killer in one of our verbal abuse sessions.. that was ugly. I had a lot of trust issues too, I trusted those who loved me to protect me and they basically lead me like a lamb to slaughter, and deep down I was so angry about that. I was angry and distrusting afterward at the father, who had real no say in the matter besides "dang not again" Apparently I was not the first girl in his life to kill one of his children but he didn't discourage me from it either. He was not the love of my life to say the least, I was on rebound and dealing with family issues when we got involved.. alcohol was in the mix and then I moved away.

I also had problems looking at pregnant women.. one of my friends at the time was almost 6 months along.. new friend and she had no clue what I was going threw, just that I had dropped calling her or being around her. It felt unfair that she got to keep her baby, even though I knew all the reasoning in my head of how I could not have mine, not mature enough, adoption was never even really talked about, we could not afford a baby. I don't remember going to alot of baby showers that is for sure and I don't remember being much of a babysitter after that or being into holding babies.

I tried to hide out in a hole for awhile but only got yelled at for never coming out of my room, that's not healthy and a sign of depression.. get out and do something.. do some house work. For awhile my mom and grandma tried to get us involved with the Episcopal Church, volunteering and going to confirmation classes. I didn't mind that too much, it was very interesting to me the history of why we do this or that in church but I really didn't come to Know Jesus then. I was too afraid to even speak to the Father of the church about where babies go when they die or how could I possibly atone for what I had done. I was just trying to pass time till I could get out of small town hell. And being involved in church didn't curb my partying at all or me seeking ways of escape, or stop having sex.

I wouldn't of called Zane a replacement baby but me just being another statistic. It was not on purpose but there is a big percent of teenagers who have had an abortion will with in 2years become pregnant again. I felt guilty of yet again messing up and at the worst possible time because my dad had just been diagnosed with lung cancer, but I said I would NEVER go threw what I did that last time and for what ever reason I just knew this child was supposed to be. No, at 17 it was not ideal for me to have a baby but I tell you in many ways he helped save my life. This is what I tell people, you never know what you are capable of until you give yourself the chance.

But I tell you what, going to that first OBGYN appointment was so scary. Should of never gone to a male doctor but I also was just not comfortable, there instruments, the stirrups, even the smell, I tried to push visions of the clinic down from my mind and that is probably why I was not the nicest of patients to have. I don't remember that doctor being very gentle either, he reminded me of the abortionist maybe. Thankfully when we moved I got a wonderful women doctor who I felt more at ease with.

Even after having children I can tell you I may not as close or connected to them as I can be. I love them, love love love them. I am thankful for them. I learn more from them then they may from me at times. But there is a heart break there too that I can't explain. Sometimes I DO push them away. I have four of the sweetest kids that love to give hugs and kisses and be close and just sit and talk about what ever comes up. Sometimes I just can't, that's enough love baby, let momma be for a minuet.

Thoughts that I fight.. that child would be this age, a big sister, what would she of done in this world, how would she be like my other babies, its not fair that my birthday is coming up and she will never have one, all the what if's and wasted possibilities. I grieve for this child. I miss being able to hold her, watch her grow, see the women she would become. And I know that is hard for some to understand, and there is a lack of compassion towards women who have had an abortion. That is one of the big reasons I speak and write, for women like me and maybe as a warning to others who may consider abortion as a way out of a problem.

For a long time I held all this in, didn't know what to do with it, and if you read my previous post about the first time I talked about it after becoming a Christian, you can see why some women may never speak of it, but God ripped it all open for me and I HAD to follow his leading. I didn't know where to start, just that I had to do something. That something was packing up the kids and going down to Granite City and be out there with the ministry that is always down there in front of that notorious clinic. I didn't know how hard that was going to be on me.. watching girls going in and out, knowing the pain that would follow them, knowing a child was thrown out. But on the other hand it was good to see that people who do go down to the clinics to protest or side walk council are not these crazies you read about, or that it is as dangerous as some think. But when my husband found out.. ohhhhh man.. he was not excited for me at all. He made me promise not to go down there again, to find some other out let. He's come a long way since in understanding but in many ways he was right.. I was not ready to be down there like that. My seeking lead me to a local PRC. I wanted to volunteer in anyway possible. But they had me do something even better. I call it one of the most important things I have done in my walk.. a post abortive Bible study with a book and a group of women. We used the book Forgiven and Set Free. Threw that study I learned alot about myself and MY God and it was so healing. I learned that what I went threw and how I reacted.. normal.. I am not alone or crazy, there are so many women hurting like me and feeling like I did. I learned how to forgive myself and the others who played a part in it. I learned it was alright to have the grief that I had and I didn't have to stuff it or hide it or be alone. I learned that when Jesus said on the cross before he let go, "It is Finished" he meant it was done.. the price was paid and I could not ADD or TAKE away from the cross or my salvation. I also learned with every confidence that I will see that child one day in heaven and she will love me and forgive me and I will see her grown as she should of been. I long for that so much and it is such a comfort to know that.

My main message here today I guess is, very likely you know a women who has gone threw an abortion.. you may not know that about them because they don't talk about it but she may be hurting. Or you may be that women hurting and not know where to turn. There is Hope, there is Forgiveness and there is Healing threw Jesus Christ!!

When Jesus was stepping out into his ministry he read from the book of Isaiah chapter 61, and then closed the scroll and said today this scripture has been full filled:

1 “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

That is one of my favorite scriptures because it describes to the letter what Jesus has done for me and the promise of what he will do for others. He healed my broken heart over the murder of my child and other past sins. He set me free from that pain that kept me captive in my own prison cell and free from being a slave to shame. He comforts me when I mourn and assures me of the time he will come back for me. He took the ashes of my life and made it beautiful, better than I could of ever asked for. He has given me such joy. And when I remember to put on the garment of praise.. that heaviness, that ugly spirit that likes to bring us down is lifted. Jesus has done it all, and I love him so much I have to share that love with you and others. I don't have to be that beggar at the gate any longer, I am healed in Jesus Name! So yes I am having a hard time right now but he is here with me doing all the above, and he promises he will do the same for you, if you let him!!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The first time I talked about it after becoming a Christian...

Sophia was a baby (abouts 8yrs ago) when God opened a can of worms, or tore open my heart I guess you could say. I had been a brand new baby Christian for maybe two years or so, if that. I was one of those radical conversions, on fire, eating up the Word like food I could not live with out, a faithful church goer and making mostly friends at church since my "old" friends rejected me. I was well on my way to being a Jesus Freak. I was learning forgiveness and letting hurts of my past go, allowing God to change me from glory to glory, getting to KNOW, not just know about but actually KNOW Jesus, learning how to walk the walk. There is a reason "Lover Of My Soul" is my favioret praise and worship song. All my life I had been searching for that love, breaking all 10 commandments in the process. When God told me he LOVED ME, even with my past, that he loved me not for my looks or for what deeds I could or could not do for him, just because I was his child, his creation, and that he longed for me, even died for me, it was life changing.

Of course humans don't have or give that perfect love, even Christians. And we have trouble seeing our self and sometimes others threw God's eyes. You see I had this deep deep wound, I had berried it so far down, a thing so terrible I avoided it all together. I never talked about it with my new Christian friends, just couldn't bring myself to it and if it didn't come up in conversation, I wasn't going to be the one to bring that topic up. It may be partly because it was drilled into me never to talk about it, act like it didn't happen, because others would judge me and look on me poorly. It was one of those hurts I held back from, thinking foolishly deep down I could be forgiven for every past transgression but this ONE BIG ONE. But God, who loves me so much, wanted me to face that pain, so he could heal me and then use me to be a light to others. He was about to set me on that path of freedom.

A friend of mine, a mentor if you will, had me and another one of her friends over so the kids could play and us ladies could have some fellowship time. She was so concerned over her sister in law who recently found out she was pregnant and freaking on how to tell it to tell her parents and was considering an abortion. For the most part I bit my lip, didn't even know what to say all that was racing threw me. How could I explain the fear that was rising up in me, the sadness, or how I wished that pain on no one? Then as we were doing dishes.. or should I say I was watching them do dishes and hanging in the background I heard these dear friends of mine almost mocking women who do have an abortion and all the excuses they use..who could be that stupid, that depraved to kill their own child, almost laughing about it. Who could tell themselves this is an ok thing to do, who could believe it would help solve their problems, who could believe it is better to kill a baby then give it up for adoption, or that any amount of money is worth a life growing or this is an easy solution? Oh my, my heart broke so deeply right then and there. I don't think they were being malicious but there was lack of compassion and understanding that I didn't expect to see from them.

I can only say it was the Holy Spirit that day when I finally spoke up in my friend's kitchen. Their backs were to me as they were doing the washing and I softly said... "but that is what I told myself when I had mine" and a tear fell from my eye. These sisters of mine turned to me with such shock and genuine shame in their eyes for all they had been saying. I don't know if they ever personally knew a women who had had an abortion but I think that encounter changed some attitudes. And then later I asked if it would help if I talked to the sister in law about what she was thinking, that maybe if she heard first hand what it was like she would choose to keep the baby. That took courage for me because I was no where ready to have that kind of conversation. And I didn't have to be the one to talk with her, she went to a Pregnancy Resource Center and got counseling on the matter.

But for me that bandage that had been holding that big gash in my heart together came off and I had to do something to deal with it.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Why do I have to have teenagers already?

I have four children (5 when I include Beautiful). Zane is 14, Annie will be 12 in March, Lilly 9 in March and Sophia is 7. I wanted, but you know we never get what we want, two boys and only ONE girl.. so the two big bros could look out for little sis right. LOL Yes God does have a sense of humour and saw fit to give me only one son and the poor guy is followed by 3 sisters. Ya the boys are out numbered around here.

If truth be told I didn't want girls at all for the simple fact of what kind of teenager I was and my mom always swearing that Grandparent's Curse on me. I wasn't THAT bad (I could of been worse) but was called The Wild Child a time or two. I don't know how I am going to deal with 3 little Mary's running around . Well.. to be honest my children are not so much like me in that way.. not yet. Josh and I have tried our best up till now to do it right so they will NOT be like us, give them rules and boundaries, pour love and family time into them and direct them to the Lord and keep them naive as possible of worldly things. I can't tell you how many people love these kids and think the world of them. I have been told Sophia IS my clone and IS going to be the wild one that WILL give me all the trouble (and I guess with our theme song being She's Got The Look by Roxette what can I expect. YES WE HAVE A THEME SONG LOL) . But today I am lamenting about my budding teenagers.

Last night Annie went to the Dare Dance. It is a big deal around here since we are so rural and there is not much for kids to do around here. Once a month the Dare Officers put on dances for 5th and 6th graders and another one separate for the Middle School. Last year Annie went to her first one and I cried as I dropped her off, another milestone. My main concern was that if she goes she actually has friends to hang out with not just standing by her self the whole time. She is my shy one, the quiet one, the introvert and hasn't really brought friends home are talked on the phone much yet. Oh how that is all about to change I think. The only thing I told her when I dropped her off last night was to have fun and to stay away from those country boys because they are trouble.

When I went to pick her up she ran out.. saying bye to a boy that I didn't even glance at. As we walked to the van she told me.. MOM I slowed danced.. TWICE! She was beaming and blushing, proud and nervous all at the same time. A boy named Austin she hung out with most of the night. Oh and don't you know he has a cell phone and asked if she was on ATT too so he could call her. Why can't she have a cellphone.. why she gotta wait till she is 13? LOL She said they were teased most of the time by ppl asking if they were going out and tring to take their pics.. but she said she had to get them to delete the pics and even knocked some one's phone out of their hands so they would (the girl is quiet but can be mean when she has too, she hates to be teased and I can see her getting into some fights down the road). I am so glad she had a good time but somehow this makes me feel soooooooooooooooooo OLD. Not fair! Now I have to go and have a "talk" with her about boys and kissing and all that fun junk.

Then my Son.. the boy with all the secret girl friends. I finally did get him to admit he had at least 3 girlfriends in the last year. He does talk to alot of girls.. "as friends" because he attracts all the drama mommas and he hasn't learned yet that sometimes girls do things just to keep boys attention. When we asked him what it meant these days to be "going out" with some one he really couldn't explain it.. ya just are. Big ol eye roll here @@ I did tell him he has to start watching out for Annie and be a nicer big brother then he has been. Ya he took that well lol.

Kissing is upper persuasion for lower invasion.. Thanks Rachel for that tidbit. We have taught our children about purity and how really dating should be only when you are ready to look for a spouse, and sex is so special it should be only shared with your husband or wife. Up until now it has been easy and they have been pretty receptive to that teaching. But it doesn't help when the world is encouraging bad behavior and secular friends are LAUGHING at me when I tell them our philosophy. I know I can't keep my babies from growing up.. I can try and delay it a bit maybe.. but really we want only good for them and to keep them from the heart break of some of the mistakes we have made. Isn't that what all parents want?

Friday, January 9, 2009

A start to my series on abortion this month

Ok it is January.. time for me to talk about it since it will be the running theme for the rest of my month it seems. January is Sanctity Of Life Month, the 18th is what is known as Pro-Life Sunday and this month is also the anniversary of Roe Vs Wade. If any of you know me long enough you know my history and my strong views on abortion. I used to have a great webpage with my testimony and a memorial but was unable to transfer them when AOL shut down it's free webpages.

I was 15 when I had my abortion. I can't go into the devastation that so called choice has brought upon my life and keep it to a short post (I will go digging in my archives soon and do some re posting) But I tell you what, I miss that child ever so much and can't wait to see her when I get to Heaven. And my other children miss that sibling they never got to know too. January is the month I allow myself to grieve over who I have come to call Beautiful (named after the temple gates where in Acts the beggar was healed in the Name Of Jesus). She would be just over 16yrs old now, a big sister, and God only knows what else she would of accomplished in this world if she had been given a chance at life.

I know the Lord has brought me a long way in the healing process, so much so that I can publicly talk about it and on occasion be down at the clinics praying and talking with girls with other pro-life friends. For some, if not most women who have gone threw an abortion it is a word, an experience they can't even utter under their breath much less talk about openly. For me, ever since God brought to surface that deep wound, it is a subject I can't seem to get away from... he attracts some interesting ppl into my life and in some way or another he uses little ol me to show others how abortion hurts women, they deserve better and there IS help, hope and healing threw Jesus Christ. Women need compassion and love who have gone threw an abortion or warned before they go into this life altering direction

It is not something I ask to do, but God brings opportunities and what can I do.. say NO I don't want to Lord, use some one else Lord, How can I when I am not all together Lord? NO... because he gets the Glory for it when he uses people who are not the greatest yet enables them to be used where they have been hurt the most. This is why normally January I am all prayed up, armour on and ready to go. Yet this year I am startled, caught off kilter and not sure how or why he could possibly think I am in a place to do his will. Yet everywhere I go this month I know it will come up. Like yesterday at lunch with a friend. Some one overheard our conversation and had to join in. I'm used to that lol but my friend is not and was a bit miffed at the interruption. Here we were lamenting about some men situations and it came up about a girl she knew who asked her advice and didn't follow it and now is on the path to hurting over her decision, and then we got into our own stories a bit.. twilight.. huh that I don't think would help me forget every detail that haunts me or the before and after. And this women two tables behind us chimes in.. lol. guess we were being loud or some how gave her an invitation to join.. still an interesting conversation.

So just fair warning, this month if I have the will and time, expect more posting on this subject. Writing helps me prepare and get out what is in my head. I have been asked to be a guest speaker on the 18th for two services at a friend's church. I am not sure how I am going to be able to do it this month.. but I know I will and HE will give me strength some how.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Holiday Hangover.. if this is 2009 lets just jump to '10

First off.. thanks to those who left comments and e-mails about my last post (I know it's been awhile).

I'll have pics of Christmas uploaded later, most likely to my MySpace if you want to see. As always the kids got just about everything they asked for (because they can be so easy sometimes) and I have to well up with gratitude for our Santa this year. We had not planned anything but one family gift to give and some sweet friends from Church went ahead and played Santa for us.

I wasn't even going to put up a tree.. but broke down because apparently the kids were going around crying about it to everyone we know how I am such a Grinch and there was going to be no Christmas this year lol. I just soooo was not in the spirit this year and I am soooooooooooo glad the Holidays are OVER.

I did get some nice things for Christmas.. gift certificate to Ann's to get me new bras (I'v lost so much weight and the girls have shrank), A very nice bracelet with 1Corinthians 13:13 theme (Faith Hope Love) some one wants me to have a reminder on my wrist I guess, a few Christian books, more bee themed art from Audra and the last and greatest... well let's just say I can't post pics and it is more for me and Josh and it was very painful.. it involves body jewelry and I'll leave it at that.

Is it just me.. it is only 3 days into 2009 and it is already crazy.. can you feel it??? The heart of men are growing colder, war in Israel, a Socialistic system is getting set up in America, almost EVERYONE I know is on hard times and families are being strained to the limit (mine included). I know what all it means.. and you would think it would make me run.. not walk but run closer to my God. I know he is there.. arms wide open.. waiting for this rebellious teenager of his to come home. But friends if I am going to be honest.. and I want to be since I call this my OPEN Journal, I am going just a bit off my rocker lately.. reasons too many to call out here.. a book deal is in the making (jk maybe). My fear is I am going to be in that category of people the Bible talks about.. hearts growing hard and that passage where the Lord says, I NEVER knew you, has always made me turn white. Am I questioning my salvation?? In a way maybe.. but I know deep down, with out a shadow of a doubt I am a daughter to the KING, I know my Lord and Savior, I know the Holy Spirit lives with in me.. I just forget sometimes because I have not been in communion like I should be and I have always had peaks and valleys in my walk. If I was not marked or set apart as his, would I even be having this conversation and wondering these things?

I don't want to be all gripping in this post.. I am happy for my sister who is now preggers (not fair) and I hope my mom and sis can get past what ever is going on with them (it makes me sad). I did get a nice letter from my brother in Prison, reminder to self.. write back and send him pics. Josh's mom has yet to call us and we are worried about her and the rest of Christmas had some real nice family stress on that side but we got past it I think.

And my most exciting but maybe a a bit worrisome news... Mary is now in a size 10!!! I need to get some full size pics of me and my new figure. Yes I am going to say it.. I look H O T! LOL A bit of exercise to firm up and I would be really FINE. (as if) Not that it matters and I don't want to draw too much of the wrong kind of attention. I made a really bad joke last week, I was sporting a T-shirt that was too tight before for me to wear but now is very loose and I told Josh "I may be dying of cancer but dang I look good". Josh did not find that funny at all and I told him if he was soooooo concerned about it he should make me a doc appointment. I am too busy and he has time on his hands with being laid off. The shocker is he actually DID make me one! Monday afternoon I have an appointment for a full physical and women's health exam.. blood work and all that fun junk. And I am going to have that conversation about my PMS I am sure I am fine, maybe a bit low on some vitamins and stuff (I have started taking a daily F.Y.I.) I am sure I am more healthy with out the weight then with it but it has been a bit concerning to my friends and family and hopefully this will calm some peoples fears about me. I'll keep ya posted.

I hope all my friends and readers had a great Christmas and New Years and I wish for many blessings to you all in this next year. Just remember, this too shall pass : )