Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Grandma Bea is burried in the pet cemetery

Wednesday already?  It has almost been a week since my Aunt's funeral.  I am glad I was able to go.  The time alone driving for one was good.  I was able to pop in the CD player old messages from church and listen on the 5 hour drive to Indiana.  And I didn't get lost!! 
The funeral was sad but it was good to see family I had not seen in a while.  Maybe that is the saddest part, family doesn't get together like that often enough.  Sure we always say we will make more of an effort but the months and years go by and next thing you know it's another funeral. 
I am sure my Aunt would have been very pleased by her service.  She had a Van Morrison CD playing during the wake and the whole room was full of flowers.  The eulogies were not overly religious and focused on her and her many fine accomplishments in her life.  She was a hippy of sorts but settled into a good career as a nurse and later a teacher.  She also worked with Aids patients in a time when it was not fashionable to do so.  She had many colorful friends with interesting stories.
I couldn't say much.  I tried to only focus on the good about my Aunt.  Like how when I was young she gave me a sea shell collection for Christmas and I still to this very day have a shell box from it that I put little keepsakes in (not much from my childhood survived us moving around so much) and how I loved to brag that I had an Aunt who taught at a Big University. Or how you just had to love that dramatic streak in her. I kept to myself what was really going threw my mind.. like how I never got to tell her just what an impact that abortion she helped arrange was on my life or how when I was pregnant with Zane only two years later she in a drunken comment suggested a white male baby on the black market would go fast. 
That night I did have a dream/nightmare of a chubby blue eyed baby and it is ironic I woke up to my period.
I don't know what hereternal destination is.  Very little was said about her faith.  And I like to think I have myself forgiven her and let go of any of the hurt she took part in my life, but sometimes I do battle feelings, feelings that I will now never be able to share with her.  I will try and forget the worst of her and only remember the best of her.
I do know she lived her life to the fullest and she will be dearly missed by her family and friends and coworkers.  Because of her I will try and enjoy more sunsets.  I pray for my cousins because I know they are devastated by her passing and my Uncle who just seems so lost without her.
A neat thing I got to see was where Great Grandma Bea's ashes finally found a resting place.  We were up late talking with my Mom and my Uncle and it was mentioned that my Aunt had buried her in the pet cemetery out back.  Ofcourse I just had to see where that was.  It was almost midnight and we were walking to a pet cemetery in the big wooded back yard.  It was such a Stephen King moment lol.  (my Mom and Aunt both love Stephen King) The story goes my Grandma Bea and my Grandma (the daughter in law) did not like each other very much, Grandma Bea was pretty mean from the sounds of it and Grandpa was the only one who would take care of her in her old age.  When she died she wanted her ashes scattered over an ocean but Grandpa could not afford to make a trip and it was against the law to do it at the lake they lived off of.  So for years and years Grandma had her ashes in the food pantry and it was the long running joke of the family.. Grandma in the end got the best of Grandma Bea.  I guess my Aunt after a while became interested in Grandma Bea and thought of her as something of an early feminist who held court in high society (at the expense of her children according to some).  So my Aunt decided that Grandma Bea deserved a better place than in Grandma's pantry.  Her pet cemetery! LOL
I vaguely remember Grandma Bea.  She is important to me in a way because I bear her name and carry it on.  I do remember her pink ceramic candy dish.  And that we were there for the funeral but us children stayed with a baby sitter durring because it was disrespectful for children to be at a funeral.  I still kinda feel that way too and get somewhat miffed when ppl bring little kids to funerals (but I do understand everyone does not feel that way)
Times like these makes me wonder about my own legacy and what will be said of me when and if my time should come.  I may not have a big career, or lots of money or important people as friends but I hope what will be said of me is that I was full of Love.  The Love Of Christ.  I should hope that the footprints I leave in others lives is for the better and not the worst.
I found a quote to that I want to start living by.  Not sure who it is from but it was in The Laugh and Lift daily e-mail I receive.
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Better, but not by too much

Since my last entry things are a little better.  We haven't lost the house but our monthly payment is going to be more and we cannot be late by even a day ... we have to now western union it or send a money order.. so that is another expense and we have a dreaded adjustable coming up too.. and with our credit we cannot refinance.  So we looked into putting the house on the market and just renting till we can clean up our credit.  We had an agent over just so we could get info and see what all that would entail and how much of a loss we may be looking at.  What he had to say was no big surprise but it was not good either.  If we were to put it on he market he was saying we are looking at least $20,000 less for what we paid for it mainly because the builder is selling our model with a basement right now for less and we are on a slab.  And because it is a slab house it would probably take some time and the right buyer before it would sell.  (when we org. got the house we were told one side of the subdivision was going to be slabs and the other side basements, but they stopped selling the slabs and everything now is being built with basements. There is only about 10 houses with slabs and ours is the biggest and only model with one)  That sucks!!  We cannot afford that much of a loss.  So what it boils down to is we have to do everything possible to make it each month. Aside from us winning the Lottory (and we don't play it) or a big winfall,  I have to find a job like tomorrow.  One that pays at the very least $10 an hour and has a reasonable schedule so I am not paying too much for child care.  Please keep me in prayer and tha God would help me in finding the right job and where he would have me be.
The last few days I have been cleaning and doing laundry like a mad women.  The laundry is almost all caught up, I can actually see the laundry room's floor.  The kids are done with summer school now so I have been putting them to work.  You know they just love that (not).  My closet is shaping up too.. the floor is bare and clothes put away, I can almost see the top of my dresser.  Winter clothes are finally all put away and I am going threw all our clothes and getting rid of a lot.  That will help cut down on laundry and clutter.  Ideally I would like to get the kids down to 7 outfits and get rid of the rest but the girls have so many cute Ts I am finding it hard to let go lol.
We still have no satellite and are basically going without TV.  This is a blessing in a way.  We get a lot more done around here that is for sure and it allows more time for reading and having family time.  We have been playing games with the kids after dinner and they are eating that up.  Ofcourse the kids miss TV and are constantly saying "I'm board" and looking to me to entertain them.  And I am missing my shows.. GH, The Sopranos on A&E, The Closer, My life on the D-List and my daily dose from the Fox News Channel.  Guess I will have to just rent more and get my news from radio and print (yuck).  But in a way I don't miss TV all that much and when Josh leaves with his lap top I won't miss the Internet as badly either.  It's a return to a more simpler life I guess lol.  You remember, the Technological Dark Ages LOL.
Today I should start packing.  I got almost enough money together from generous friends to make the drive for my Aunt's funeral in IN.  It is always humbling to have to ask for help and money and I was not going to go but I felt God stirring me and putting on my heart that I at least needed to try and go.  I will be leaving early Thursday morning and it will be about a 6 hour drive.  Josh and the kids are staying home, kids with my good friends and Josh will be working.  It would have been nice if we all could go, funerals are about the only time EVERYONE gets together and it has been years since my other aunt and my cousins saw me and the children.  But money is too tight for us all to go on a trip.  Too bad because it would only be a few more hours drive to go to the new Creation Museum and that would be a great family field trip.  Maybe next summer.
Tomorrow for 4th of July we are planning on going over to our friends house from church and watching the parade in O'Fallon.  It goes right past their house.  We have to get there early and I am not sure if we should just spend the day at home and save the gas it's going to take to go over there but I have to get these kids out of the house and the 4th of July is only once a year.  We will have to make due somehow. 
I pray that you all have a fun and safe Holiday.  Don't blow off any fingers or toes.  Drive safe if you are going to be on the road, wear your seat belt!  And remember to meditate on how blessed we are to be an American and how thankful we should be to our troops, past and present for our freedom!