Thursday, December 29, 2005

And a Happy New Year..

I still have to add my pictures to my computer from over Christmas... I have plenty!  They will be coming soon. I just havnt had much time to be on the computer.  We had a wonderful Christmas and everyone seemed to of gotten just what they wanted.  I am now apart of the technology revolution and have my very own picture cell phone.  That was one of the big things Josh got me.  He tried to make me crazy too.  He would call it and it would ring under the tree.. I at first asked him if he got me a phone.. is that MY package ringing.. but he insisted I was hearing things or it was off the tv. And I am so blond... I believed him too lol. 

Now Josh is back to work.. he left Monday night so he could start Tue morning.  I feel cheated but we are planning on going up there to see him for New Years.  We will go and pick him up Saturday and drive up to Wisconsin and spend New Years Eve with our friends who live in Port Washington and then Sunday afternoon go over to my families house in Milwaukee.  Then its the drive back home... with alll the kids.  I am looking forward to doing some traveling but I wish everyone would just come to me you know.  I didn't exactly have the big home Christmas that I wanted and we went down to the In Laws for Christmas day instead of everyone coming up to our house but that is ok.. it was still nice and we are all healthy so I can't complain.

Yesterday was a pretty nerve wracking day.  I had some things to do in town and was rushing when I should of been taking it slow and easy.  I had to exchange one of the girls presents and then make a deposit and do some looking for a new/used refrigerator.  Ours is officially dead.  It acts like it is unplugged when it is turned up to the highest.  Thankfully not much is in there to go bad but still.. if only this had happen before Christmas.. I would of had the money to get the new one we had wanted.  I have never bought an appliance... that is hubby's department don't you know, so I know nothing ofcourse.  The used appliance store in town had two nice side by sides with ice makers for just around $300.  I don't think I can get away paying more then 400 for one right now.  I told Josh about them last night but he insists that I ask a guy.. any guy.. to come in with me and ask the questions that should be asked before I buy one.  And the place delivers and will take the old one away BUT they wont install it.. they only drop it off and pick up at the front door. Like I can haul ours outside and bring one in all by myself.. ugh.  And ofcourse I can't get ahold of anyone who can come over and help me pick one out and haul the old one.

So when I went to the drive thru ATM I had all that swimming around my head.  I was making a deposit and the kids in the back where being loud and fighting.  I had cars behind me.  I feel so stupid.. I drove off with my receipt but NOT my card!!!  I didn't even realize it till we were at the check out at a store.  So of course I had to call the bank ASAP and report it lost and order a new one.  It wont be here till after Monday.  That is the main way I pay for everything, credit/debit.  I don't like carring cash and I HATE writing checks and plus we are going out of town this weekend!  The lady on the phone seemed to think I could go to my branch and ask for a temporary ATM card to get me threw the weekend but I have never heard of them doing that. Have any of you??

I guess this is just one of those things that tests you.. to see if you can stay at peace and not let the little and big things frazzel you.  I know I am not going threw all this alone really, even if my husband is hundreds of miles away.. my bride groom is always here by my side to take each step with me and he always provides a way and for each need.  Lord You know the way and you know my needs.. HELP!




Thursday, December 22, 2005


The decorations are all hung.  The cards mostly all sent (sorry to those who get it late) ALLLLLLLLL the presents are wrapped! (and that is a feat in of it's self.. I went nuts on the kids this year for once) AND JOSH IS LESS THEN AN HOUR AWAY FROM HOME!!  It is beginning to look alot like CHRISTmas!

This has been a crazy week and I have not had a chance to be online much.  So much so that when I logged on I got a message saying my mail box was FULL and I could not get any more mail till I went threw what I had!! How often does that happen huh? ! lol  Sorry I am so behind with you my online friends but I know you understand.

I just wanted to say to you allllllllllllllllllllllll, my online friends and family.. I LOVE YOU AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!  Jesus IS the reason for the season and dont you forget that.  As we celebrate his birth may he be reborn in your heart this year!  I love you all and you are a major blessing to me.  I hope and pray that you all will have a blessed weekend and are able to reflected on the Miricle of Jesus Christ. 

The chances of me being back on before Monday are slim to none so this is my last journal entry till then.  All my love to you and my thoughts and prayers are with you. BIG FAT ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I expect really great pictures posted to your blogs and I promise the same to you all. 



Monday, December 19, 2005


Thank you friends who prayed for me yesterday.  I felt them and I know God heard them.

So why did I need the prayers in the first place you may be wondering.. well... lol..  Last Thursday I got a call from Amy M., she is my contact person for Silent No More. We have been touching base with each other about the planning for January's event(s).  But she was extra excited in this conversation.. TIME Magazine has been here and doing all the angles on the abortion issues here in MO.  Amy was one of the people they interviewed and they wanted to set up a time Sunday for the photographer to come in and take some shots.  She was inviting ME to meet at her house with some of the other ladies so the photographer could take our picture.  Needless to say that is all very exciting and nerve wracking.. MILLIONS will read this article and possible see our pictures.  Threw it all we just want God to be gloried and people's hearts and minds touched.

I think it went very well.  Since we were not at an event the photograph, Steve Liss, did not want to stage anything with the signs we normally hold, so we did a prayer circle and got on our knees holding hands praying over the events coming up and for each other and for the article being written. It really was an awesome time if just for that.. we were on our knees praying for almost two hours it seems. I hope some of the shots make it in, the one he took of Kim crying and being comforted is going to be a powerful one I think, showing the heart of the matter.. ABORTION HURTS WOMEN.  So keep that in your prayers about what shots the editors may use and also pray for the writers who will be writing the story.. it is suppose to be a balanced article showing both sides of it but we all KNOW how the media can be.  It is supposed to be out sometime in January so keep an eye on your news stands lol you may see me!


Sunday, December 18, 2005


I can't give the details just yet but RIGHT NOW, pray for me.

Pray that God will give me the words I need to say when asked, that he may be glorfied, that many will be effected.  That when the story comes out the one writing it will be fair and honest and quote correctly.  THANK YOU!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The answer to my CDROM probs..

You may remember me freaking out about how all of a sudden my CDROM drive AND CDRW drive just vanished into computer thin air?  I really have tried my best to stay calm and not complain too much.. I could really go on and on about how irritating my computer and *ahem* some of the service I have been getting in regards to things connected with the computer but I wont..BECAUSE THERE IS GOOD NEWS.. well at least a little bit of good news.


Last month I was sooooooooooooo excited to get the new Neil Diamond CD and beating my mom to the punch.  I couldn't wait to load it onto my computer and possibly get it on my Journal and have Oh Mary as my journal song.  Sony deflated that idea with their big bad copy right protection software and I couldn't up load it to my FTP Space.  At the time I didn't think it was a big deal and just went on with my life and dealing with the drama of AOLHELL.  But then I started hearing things about how Sony/BMG's software could mess ppl's computers up and make them vulnerable to hackers and viruses.  I was so pissed because after JUST buying one of their CD's it was being recalled, I was too busy to investigate it more and put returning it on hold but I did go to their website and put in a request for info on how to get the problematic software off my computer.  After two requests and e-mails later they sent me instructions on how to get it off but insisted my fears were unfounded and bla bla bla.. butt covering jargon.  The instructions they sent were too complicated for this blonde and I was getting sick of dealing with the computer as it was because of the up roar in J~Land at the time.  Again I let it all go for later.

When I wanted to install my digital camcorder so I could have Video IM with my husband there was even more frustration with the computer and I discovered a major problem... I could not install new software because some how my CDROM had disappeared off "My Computer".. you know the story.  I did not suspect that my Neil Diamond and Sony/BMG could of caused such damage.  I asked my tec friends for advice and help but you know Christmas is the busy season and they just never got over here to look at it but after some reading my friend's husband found a story about some one who had a similar problem as me with their CDROM and how it all started after they installed a Sony Music CD.

So with that info I went back to looking for a solution on my own and after reading more about Sony and BMG software I went back to their site (I still have to exchange my corrupted cd and needed the directions on how to)  There they had software you can download that would fully remove their programs.


I did that and checked "My Computer" again.  My CD drives where there but had big red ! over them and still would not work.  I did the help suggestions from Windows and un-installed them and after figuring out how to, reinstalled them.  It all seems to be back to normal and I have use of my CDROM and CDRW back.    

Whaaaaaaahooo!! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY JOY!!   One thing checked off my list of things to do.. 50000 more to go.  I do feel some pride that I was able to handle this problem and fix it myself (with a wee bit of help from my friends).  Maybe I am ready to tackle adding the other hardware we were talking of installing before we handed this computer off to the kids?? HAHAHA! NOT!.  

So there you have it folks.. if your CDROM drive goes missing.. check to see if you recently installed any of the Sony music CDs that had the new copyright protection software on it.. that may just be your problem.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Sad Weird Dream

One of the saddest.. strangest and goriest dreams I've ever had.

I was in something like an office but it had an exam room.. maybe it was a hospital setting.  Not sure what I was doing there or what my job was.. was I a nurse or a detective working a case?.. it had a CSI or Law and Order feel to it if you know what I mean. I was interviewing or talking to staff members about a girl who had come or was about to come in. There was some conversation about a Planned Parenthood and the Pregnancy Recourse Center.

The girl was in early adulthood.. bitter and mean, hard heart but in so much pain, yet seemed like she really did not care what was happening to her.  I saw her deliver a dead fetus.. it was cold and grey and black and blue but it was full term.. my sense was it was a murder or an abortion that was taking a bad turn.  This all happen in flashes and something about the number 8.. this was her eighth one?  She was taken away into another room and the dead baby was taken to a pathology lab to be examined.  I followed into the room where the baby was  being dissected.  The body parts had already been cut up and laying on a tray or small table and there was food crumbs all over it.. I remember cursing out who ever was working in the room that they could of messed up the phroensic evidance and how very unprofessional.  I remember looking at the baby's skull and it was cut in two and I was looking at the grey tissue of brains.  I was looking for something specific.. some kind of markings or an injury.. maybe I was looking for an explanation for the child's death.  Then a nurse brought in another dead baby.. smaller then the first but from the same girl.. like she had just had it.. it was still bloody.  I remember feeling bitter towards the girl and disgusted.  Then I was in a hall outside the girl's room and could hear her screams from labor pains again.  A nurse brought out in a hurry an even tinier baby that was just delivered.  She was going to leave it to die but the premiere was struggling for life.  I remember taking it to an incubator.. like you see in the netalnatile units but I also was trying to give it CPR.  I remember the small small fingers and even being able to see the baby's blue veins.  I was trying to save the baby and from my innier being I knew I had to do something.. this child needed to live.. I was giving it mouth to mouth and praying and crying.. very very emotional..

Then I woke up with my heart racing.. the phone was ringing and woke me up.

I get the sense that this dreams has many meanings on many levels.  One is that maybe the girl was the same girl that was in the recovery room with me after I had my own abortion.. I remember the nurse telling her that she could not come back there anymore.. it was her 7th or 8th abortion.  Maybe the first dead baby was a late term partial birth abortion.. because the way the head was cut up(to cover up the puncher wounds)and I was looking for effidance of it because it is suppose to be illegal now.. it was a botched job because there was still grey brain matter.  Maybe the second smaller one was another one of her children she had aborted.. I think the dream was out of sequence and the first baby was her last abortion and the second was one in the middle and the first.. the smallest was the first one.  Maybe I was fighting so hard to save the last one because if it had lived she would of not had the other ones. 

This was a very intense dream.. I can not fully put into words all of it.  I have an idea of what brought it on but I don't normally have dreams like these or even remember my dreams so I always write them down when I do.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Counting the hours to his return and getting ready for Christmas

It has been hard keeping from the girls that Daddy is coming home tonight. LOL  Zane knows and has played along.  As far as the girls are concerned their Daddy is not going to be coming home till Christmas but they miss him dearly.. as do I.  We got donuts for breakfast today and Lilly insisted we should save some for daddy but then Annie chimed in.. that would be a waste of food.. he wont be here till Christmas.  Zane and I flashed each other a knowing grin.

While the "Man of the house" is not home I must say I am proud of the little things I do that are normally what you would think of as the guy's job.  I DID get my Christmas lights up and braved the roof with out killing myself.  Ok I didn't do the VERRRY TOP of the roof like I wanted but at least I do have most of the light show that I wanted.  I will post pics soon.. promise.  I still have to take some.

Josh had said he will leave tonight around 11.. so he should be home about 5 or 6 depending on the weather and his speed.  Just enough time for him to be home in the morning and have some snuggle time and then get ready for church.  I have plenty to do today to keep me busy and occupy me till the morning.  There are a few hot spots I need to put out in the house cleaning wise.  And the children have their last rehearsal this afternoon at the church for the Christmas play tomorrow. 

I plan on going out and doing some shopping or at least looking.  Top of my list is two FlyPens and docking stations.  That is Annie and Zane's big gift this year and of course that seems to be the hot toy this year and hard to find.  I am still unsure what big gift to get Lilly and Sophia.  I have plenty of ideas but not sure what will get the BIG WOW from them.  I know in the end they all will be grateful and happy with anything they get this year as they always are.  They know it is not all about the gifts.  The biggest thing they are looking forward to is time with their Daddy.

I also have to start filling out my Christmas cards for those who I want to give at church.  After the play tomorrow the church is also having the traditional Christmas Fellowship Dinner.  That is normally when the cards are given out.  I am glad I also already bought the rolls I signed up to bring for the dinner.

And of course tonight after everyone is nestled in bed I want to take a nice longggg hot bath with a few glasses of wine and shave my legs lol (ok.. wine after I save so I don't slash myself into a bloody mess) I may even get some color to refresh my hair color.. my roots are starting to show.  I AM a natural blond but a few month ago I started coloring it lighter and once you start doing that, it is a vicious cycle to keep it up.. unless you like your top being darker then the rest lol.  I got a new body wash that smells like rose pettels, one of Josh's fav smells.  Depending on how I feel about my body I may or may not wear one of the lacy lingerie Josh bought me mail order.  I tried them on right when I got them but I was on my period and felt like a fat cow and hated how I looked in them.  Maybe now that I am not so moody I will feel better about myself and how I look in them.  And of course the new silk sheets he got for our bed are washed and ready to be put on the bed.

Ohhh Also.. the question of what happen to my CDROM and CDRW drives may be solved.  Talking with my friend who builds computers as a hobbie and who also happens to be married to a nice guy who works for Microsoft.. they say it sounds like it died.. that is a common thing or it may be something that happens on rare occasion, a loose wire on the inside.  They have offered to help and look at my computer. We have suggested a trade of sorts.. they help with the computer stuff and when Josh is home and has time he'll help with some painting they want done.  So it looks like I may be unplugging in the next few days. *GASP* I KNOW!  But if I want to get this computer ready for Christmas it is all for the best. (we are planning on giving it to the kids to put up in our loft and then around tax time getting us a new one for the office.)  Besides the last week or so I have not been on all that much because it has been so irritating. 

OK.. OFF to do work on that big list of things I just said I had to do today lol.  Hope everyone is well and is getting all ready for this busy time of year.  Miss you my friends and will catch up with you all very soon.  Also if you want a Christmas Card from me, e-mail me your address like ASAP before I my computer is unplugged and before I get finished with the cards I have.  (((HUGS)))

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

Mostly Positive Things

I miss writing and reading.. don't know why I haven't been around.  Maybe I am trying to be good and not do the complaining thing and since I am used to letting that fly here and some of the stuff that has been irritating me is computer related I have just been avoiding?? LOL Maybe.  So I am going to try and make this a positive post.. ok? Can I do that? LOL Maybe.

First... HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY MOM!!!  I AM SOOOOOOO SORRY I FORGOT.  I'll make up for it at Christmas.. promise *wink* You look so good for your age.. I can't belive you are the age you said.. you have to be in your 40's lol because you look so darng GOOD! LMBO

 Also when I think of my mom's birthday it reminds me of the day I got baptized.  6yrs ago now! WOW.

Second....  I loveeeeeeee my husband *big drooling grin here*  This separation is not all bad.. some good has come out of it. lol He treats me sometimes like we are courting.. surprises here and there.. nice silk sheets in the mail.. requests for pictures for his eyes only  heehee.. teasing on the phone late at  night.. other things I can't say in public with out blushing deep pinks and reds.  Having an online love affair with your husband is really romantic.  But as always.. I can't wait till he is home and in the flesh.

Also I am starting to get into the Holiday Spirit mode.  Some decorations are up here and there and we got a wee little bit dusting of snow this morning.  My favorite is my fire place.  The fire blazing nice and warm and cozy with all the stocking holders I just bought (I have never had a fire place before).  I would like to warn you though.. if you do buy pointsitas.. they do NOT fair well outside when it is freezing.. they will wilt and die.. who knew.. I thought they were Christmas plants and would do well with cold weather and look cute on my porch.  The porch has a fake tree decorated with red lights and I tried to hang these star lights on the porch but the clips are some what flimsy and they fell.. have to find a better solution.  I also got 8 boxes of icicle lights to put on the outside of the house but haven't worked up the courage just yet to get on the latter and put them up myself.  My son Zane is chomping at the bit to help with that project lol.  Also a favorite place with CHRISTmas decorations is my dinning room.  The Nativity is out on the hall table with a gold runner.  The dinning table has a festive table cloth and a wreath like candleholder as a center piece.  My chandelier has greenery around it.  If I do entertain this CHRISTmas the dinning room will be very pretty.   Ofcourse I have tons more decorations I can get out from the garage.  I still have to find a place for my Teddy Bears and we have more ordainments.  I want a real CHISTmas tree for the living room.  I am hoping when Josh comes home for this weekend we can get one and trim it as a family.

The children are practicing hard for the play they are going to be in at church.  Zane has an important role and has alot of lines.  Lilly is only wishing that her Daddy can be there to see her up on the stage.  I haven't told them that he is coming home for it this weekend.. trying to surprise them.  I know they miss him so much but try and not complain.  Last Sunday after their practice at church we had a little Christmas party for the kids and volunteers.  They had a family game of Bible Bingo.  Lilly chimed out.. but my daddy is not here.. so we can't play as a family... awwww breaks your heart huh.  But we did play and she forgot quickly and when she talked to daddy on the phone she excitedly told him about the prize we had won.

I have yet to start ANY of my shopping.  I have alot of ideas and a list of who I am shopping for written at least.  Next week Josh's vacation check should be here in the mail and I am planning to do the big shopping then.  I did buy cards but I like to put pictures of the kids in them but I have yet to get any printed up or even taken a nice one to print.. it is on that list of things to do you know.  Josh says he has done some shopping for me already... and loving teasing me about it ofcourse.  He said he had to put the seats down in the back of his car to get it in and he had to lug it allllll the way up to his room.. humm what could it be?? He said it is JUST for me.. not something for the house or something for me to share.  And that is all the hints he is giving me.

Anticipation that grows around this time a year is starting to come on thickly.  I am unsure what our final plans are for Christmas or where we will be spending it but I just know what ever happens as long as we are all together as a family it will be wonderful.  I would love to have a BIG celebration at my  new house and have everyone over for a big dinner.  I am still unsure if Josh is going to be working that weekend and just have Christmas day off or not, so it is hard to make plans.  We say if he is still up there for that weekend we will go to Milwaukee and to my family there since they are only a hour away from Josh's work.. but still I really want to be home on Christmas.. opening gifts in front of my fireplace and serving the traditional cinnamon rolls in my kitchen.  I am trying to convince my sister and her girls to come down here instead of us going up there.. so we will just wait and see what happens and how it all plays out.

Another exciting thing going on is the planning of January's Silent No More Awareness Event.  January is going to be here so fast it seems and we need to nail down a plan.  There is some talk about holding it at the state's capital and maybe even getting in to see the governor.  Please keep that all in prayer for me and the ladies who are planning on speaking.


There, that wasn't sooo bad.. pretty positive : )

Friday, December 2, 2005

Not complaining... just telling it like it is. HELP I need a tecno geek to read this!

What is going on with my  computer!!! I am so frustrated with it that I have had to walk away from it so I wouldn't toss it out the window more than once.

It started simple enough.  Josh wanted me to do a video IM with him.  He has a nice new lap top and while he has been gone we have enjoyed talking to each other online.  We talked about getting web cams (not my favorite idea but I know the kids would think it cool to see daddy on the computer).  We have a nice digital camcorder that some how or another you are supposed to be able to use as a web cam as well. We wanted to test it out before we went ahead and bought web cams thinking we if the the digital camcorder worked we would only have to buy one (save money).   I haven't bothered to hook up the camcorder to the computer in like 2 yrs lol because to take video off of it uses alot of memory space and we are running low.

I thought it would be a simple thing as plugging it in using the USB port cable it came with.  LOL FIRST I HAD TO FIND THE CORD.  My office/den is a mess and the last room to be unpacked.  Found it in a box of cords all tangled together.  Plug and play is apparently not the way it goes.  Ohh software.. ya I must need to install the software that came with the camera?  So I went on another hunt threw all my back up disks in a different box.  Did I meanten that this was at 4 in the morning?? LOL  My cat thought he should help look too.. getting in front of me in each box.

I am thankful I found it or else I would of not figured out another problem my computer is having.  I ask you.. how does your CDROM drive that came with the computer and CDRW drive that you installed over a year ago JUST disappear off of showing up in "My Computer"????????!!!!!!!!!!!  A horrible virus?  A sign your computer is about to crash??? Or very very very naughty children messing with things they never should be near in the computer????? I have no clue but it seems to me it would take a lot of clicks of the mouse to uninstall TWO drivers off my computer and I would of caught the kids doing it in time and I have done all the spy searching and virus checks.

I did a system restore of course.  THANK YOU POWERFUL COMPUTER TEC GUYS who ever thought of system restore!!   LOL How many of you have had to do that and it has saved you?? It solved my trouble for the time being with the CD drivers disappearance and I was able to pop in the CD with the camera's software.

I KNEWWW the software was already installed on my computer but since it was over two years ago I could not find it anywhere.  I had to uninstall and reinstall.  I figured ok.. NOWWWWW  we are in business.  Plugged the camera back in.. still nothing.  Found the directions that came with the software but the instructions I found for the camera it's self.. well I have versions in Spanish, and French.. but my English addition is no where to be found.  I tried following the instructions for installing "USB Video Streaming driver for Windows XP users"  I must of been having a blond brain fart because they seemed very confusing to me.  Nine steps spelled out clearly enough but it all hinged on when you plugged in your USB cable the "New Found Hardware Wizard screen popping up"  And you guessed it.. it wasn't popping up.  I tried to get it to come up manually from the control panel.  This was one of the points I walked away and decided to give it another shot later.

Ok so when I went back to do it all over again..... my cd drivers went missing AGAIN!!!!!!! Poof.. vanished.. no where visible in My Computer or in properties or any other place you can think to look on your computer's hard drive.  WHAT THE HECK?  I tried to look at event viewer to see if maybe I could determine what happen. No clue how to read those.. but interesting to know I have a bad block of memory on my computer according to it.  I have spent countless time trying to figure out what should be a simple thing.. hooking up  my digital video camera for a Video IM talk session and still have no fruit.  I WOULD just go out and buy a cheap webcam lol but hey, you  need a CDROM driver to install that software too.  = O

*Sigh*  So I am going to do another system restore.. the good it will do me I don't know if I can't figure out how my CD drives get taken off in the first place.  Technology is a wonderful thing.. IF you can figure out how to keep it running properly and use it. 

BUT I am thankful I can still hook up to the Internet in the first place and that my computer even turns on.  THEN I really would complain. LOL 

Monday, November 28, 2005

Can you do it?

3 weeks of NO COMPLAINING.. what so ever?  That is the challenge put forth by my Pastor.  To be a thankful person and satisfied with each situation.. hold your complaining and bring your oughts up in prayer instead of feeding into negativity.  OUCH.  He insists if you can do it you will see a BIG difference in your life (and I tend to agree).

I am still super pissed at AOL and all that is going on with the journals. And I just haven't had the heart to write in my other blogs either.  Call me lazy and not wanting to put forth too much effort.. just yet.  I may very well cancel my AOL service.. working up to it.  I have been trying out first living with out the AOL software and doing everything threw IE and AIM.  But with the holidays coming I find myself melancholy and not really into learning anything new at this time.  I have too much new in my life right now.. new house, new schools for the kids, new friendships to develop, new situations with my husband, and I crave the familiarities of my journal. 

So before I go into my 3 week fast of complaining I am going to let out my feelings out about AOL and then move on.. just so they don't think I am satisfied with the mediocrities they have shoved down on us. 

AOL, shame on you.  You have no care for your loyal customers and I feel jaded.  Every time I see one of your commercials now I want to throw up.  I want these ad banners off  my journal.. ads that I don't support and feel very upset that you are not only taking my money that I pay for this service but also making money off my thoughts, feelings, my blog.  I will NEVER click on any of them and NEVER patronize any of the advisors and I will tell each of my family and friends to do the same.  I find your lack of concern for your customer base disheartening.  I have lost respect for the so called Journal Editors and AOL employees.  They have refused to truly address the journal community's complaints and  down play our concerns. To say publicly that AOL has only received a few dozen complaints over the ad banners has got to be the biggest joke I have ever seen in print.  You can ignore us your customers for only so long.. you WILL have to deal with the angst this has all caused. Hiding will only loose you more customers and word of mouth about how you treat those who have been loyal to you for years and your hunger for only profit will go across the globe.  Don't think because I am returning to my journal it is me throwing in the white flag over this issue.  I am unsatisfied and will leave for good if you do not do something more than put in small print a disclaimer about the ads.  I want them OFF and OFF for good.  They are in my e-mail box, journal alerts, the main screen, personal webpages, chat rooms.. my journal is the last straw.  If I wanted ad banners on my journal I could of set up a free AIM one.. which you had assured us when they were first implemented that the bonus of having a paid aol journal account was no ads.  I am cancelling all my premium services because I refuse to pay you any extra then I have to to keep my journal before I transfer all my entries.



Ok.. my 3 weeks of just being thankful has officially started with the hit of the save button.  If you catch me slipping.. hold me accountable. " ) 

Isaiah 61:1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD [is] upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to [them that are] bound


2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn


3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified


Click here to view Video


What Am I Thankful For???


When I was asked to get up and speak for a few minets about What I am Thankful for and share some of my testimony by Pastor, I of course had to say YES.  I immediately sat down and started to think of what I could possibly say and keep it short. I started to think back to where I used to be and just how far the Lord has brought me in my life, tears and praise started to flow and I can't help but smile.  I could go on and on all day about the many blessings in my life and some may think it was bragging.. when really it is me giving Glory to God.  Some one recently told me, "Mary you are a blessed person" My natural reply was "Ofcourse I am!  I am a daughter to the KING!"  And that is what I am most thankful for because I did not always know that truth and I did not always know him. 


That video that I asked them to play I found online and the first time I saw it I related to it profoundly.  For me I could of wrote that song and those could have been images of my own teen years flashing up there.  If you have ever seen that movie 13 you know it is basically about a young girl and she seems to grow into every parent's nightmare.  I was the wild child trying to escape my reality of a childhood with sexual abuse and unstable home life, looking to be loved in all the wrong ways and I look back and marvel at how on earth did I come out of some of the situations I put myself in with out serious harm. How even then God wanted to know me and was calling out to me and drawing me to him.


I am thankful for that divinely appointed day when a women in a big red van pulled up and asked me if I needed a ride and thankful that she befriended me and spoke truth into my life and never looked down at me or judged me and the state I was in at that time.  She only loved on me and showed me God's love. Before that day I was trying to live a good life but with many deep hurts and void of God's presence in my life.  I was A young wife with two children and the third on the way, trying to escape my past. Joshua and I trying to make ends meet with very little and seeming bound to repeat the patterns set down by the parents who raised us.


I am thankful for who ever wrote that song "Jesus Lover Of My Soul" and to the Holy Spirit who ministered to me threw that song.  The song that helped me realize that YES HE DOES LOVE ME.. HE WILL SET MY FEET ON A ROCK AND I CAN STAND ON HIS PROMISES AND HIS TRUTH.  THAT HE IS THE LOVER OF MY SOUL, THE LOVE I HAD BEEN YEARNING FOR AND SEEKING MY WHOLE LIFE. He loved me and died for me even while I was a sinner.


I am Thankful for the scar on my husband's abdomen from his appendix surgery.  It was shortly after that that he realized his mortality and his need for a relationship with The Lord. It was after that we became equally yoked and made God the center of our marriage.  A quickly answered prayer because it was only a few months before that I remember crying and asking what do you do when your husband is not a Christian.  Now I can look back and wonder how does ANY one hold a marriage together with out God in the center of it because with him in ours there has been Joy and Peace and a deeper Love.  I know most of the couples who get married at 19 much less any age are on the road to divorce but Josh and I even though getting married and having children young we seem to get stronger threw the years.. Going on 10 this June.


I am Thankful for each of my children.  They are each a special blessing and a joy and I am blessed doubly because I know that because of mistakes I have made in the past I may have very well been left barren if not for the grace of God.  Zane the brain and wise beyond his years, Annie gentle and soft-spoken, Lilly full of excitement and energy, Sophia my baby who demands attention and my first daughter, Beautiful who I will meet in Heaven when that day comes.


I am thankful for each of the trails God has brought me and my family threw teaching me to walk with him and base my life on his love and provision and not on earthly things.  For the times we did not know how were going to pay the bills or feed the children but some how he always provided. For God showing me to be content in each situation and to appreciate each blessing.  Growing me in him and learning about what is really important in life.


I am thankful for when my niece was kidnapped over that Christmas from the Chicago bus station and he taught me threw all that how to rest in his Peace and promises, to hear his voice, that when we pray he does listen and he is in control despite what circumstances or other people say.


Ofcourse I am thankful for the wonderful new house we moved into at the end of this summer.  I could have never dreamed of living in a house such as the Lord has blessed us with.  Most of my life I have moved from apartment to apartment and when he lead us to the house we rented in O'fallon for 3yrs that to me was a miracle but to have a house of my own, that I could paint any way I want, have a pet, a yard and neighbors, room for the children to grow and then some.. I still get overwhelmed by how he moves and gives us only good things. Neither of our parents settled in one place for long and my parents never owned their own home.. so even the thought of us buying a house was not wired into my thinking beyond dreaming.  I am sure Josh can tell you how I fought us even looking for a house to buy and how I just didn't feel worthy of a home of my own.


I remember once when I was 14 or so writing in my journal about a dream I had for my life.  Thewonderful husband who would love me and take care of me the right way, the beautiful children I would have and the happy home we lived in.  Me baking in the kitchen with a baby on my hip and the other kids playing in the yard with our dog and my husband coming home from work giving mea big kiss.  Like one of those opening sceens from a 50's tv show.  I cried because the thought at the time of having a stable idle life was too overwhelming and I just knew life was not like that and no one lived that way and I pushed that dream away.  Now I know no one's life is perfect and life is work but all these years later God has blessed me with my childhood dreams, like he took a page out of my diary and said.. yep.. this is what I am going to do in Mary's life.. in my timing, if she yields to me and learns and grows in me and draws close to me..


Life abundant is what I am thankful for.. the life he has given me.  Before I knew Jesus Christ I was living a dead life and all the things I tried to do on my own to make it better are indeed like fifthly rags compared to the work he has done in it.  All I can be is thankful and in awe of him and I know these are just shadows of what is to come still, when Jesus returns.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Uproar in J~Land.. May the people be heard!

Originally Posted Tuesday November 15*

"The higher powers snuck into MY extremely personal journal last night and like a thief leaving their mark, sprayed graffiti in the form of advertising on MY personal walls"  


This will be my last entry with my PAID AOL JOURNAL ACCOUNT! The outrage is because I pay money for AOL.. mostly JUST so I can keep my Journal.  AIM screen names are allowed to have an AOL Journal for free.. so it is understandable that they would have the adds.. but hey.. I am a paying customer.. and this is bull.  This may just be the last straw and I may close my AOL account if this issue does not get taken care of.  Why pay for it when I can just get an AIM screen name?  

Until AOL hears the people of J~Land and resends the add banners to paying customer's blogs, you can find me over at and the mirror blog I have over there.  Sure there are add banners there.. but that is what I expect when I am not paying for their service!  

Here is the Link.. ~Oh Mary~   

*Updated* I am also going to give Blogger a try since that seems to be where most of the Exodus is heading. I will try them both out and see what one I like best.. I see pros and cons for each.   ~Oh Mary~ on blogger

I am sure you can find the RSS feed for them in lieu of journal alerts. Don't be lazy.. try learning something new for a change.

*a side note* It has been over 4 days since the supposed journal upgrade and I STILL have to use IE to make a post.  Ya, that really makes me want to stay with AOL.. not.  But I am still hoping that they will come to their sense and listen to their loyal customers and I can return to this space.. but I am preparing for the worst.


Sunday, November 13, 2005

"Survey Like None-Other!"






The goal is to have this in every single AOL Journal. What do you have in common with others? Do you like the same things? Post this and put the title of your entry "Survey Like None-Other!"  This is a great way to introduce yourself to new readers!  

1. What sign are you?   Capricorn, but I don't live my life by astrology or even read horoscopes..but it is funny how if you read the description of my sign it fits me closely. 

2. What is your favorite color?  Purple.. the color of royalty

3. How many waffles could you eat in one sitting?  How many could I or should I?? LOL  I try to stick to 3 or less. 

4. Can you touch your tongue to your nose?  Nope


5. If you had to choose between cats and dogs, which would it be? Cats


6. What is something you have learned recently?  How to do the alphabet in sign language. 


7. What is your favorite quote? Hard to say.. there are so many good ones but the one currently gracing my e-mail signature is : Micah 6:8: He hath shewed thee, O man, what [is] good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God

8. What is your favorite entry in your own journal?  In my wholeeeeeee journal???? You want me to go back threw 2 1/2 years of entries?? Can I just do one from this last month or so?? LOL this one would be on my top ten list if I had a top ten list

Forgiving Yourself and letting God use you.


9. What color is your bedroom? Currently just plain white but we have plans to paint one of these days and put a big wall mural of a Tuscan Scene.  We are going to go for a greek/roman kind of theme too so likely we will have grays and whites and maybe some reds & purples.


10. Where is your favorite place to visit?   My friends up in Wisconsin or friends and family in Las Vegas


11. What is one thing you want to accomplish this year? Learn sign language well enough to hold a conversation with a def person.


12. Why do you write in a journal? MANY REASONS! First and foremost for myself.  To have a sounding board for my thoughts and feelings, a release and a place to be creative. Secondly for the community aspect, knowing that I have friends who read with care and can give me at least a little bit of adult interaction. And lastly to touch others and live out my faith and draw others to the Lord.

13. What is your favorite joke? Don't think I have one.. certainly not Blond Jokes.


14. Do you like the city or the country?  I am a city girl threw and threw.. I have to have a 7-11 on the every corner lol but I also like the country and the seclusion of it.  Right now I live in a state of in between.  I am kind far away from everything but my area is growing and in five years or so it will be more city then country.


15. What style is your house decorated?   Right now it is a hodge-poge of everything.  We just moved into our first house and are taking our time getting it the way we want it. It would be nice to have one of those look but don't touch houses but that is impossible with four children lol.  I think I am going to try and go for elegant in most rooms and country in the kitchen.


16. Who is your favorite artist?   I really don't know enough about art to have a favorite.  But I still appreciate art.


17. Can you pat your tummy and rub your head at the same time? Who can??? 

18. Are you a night owl?  Yes but I am trying to not be.

19. What is something you love in your house? (If you have a picture you get extra credit!) A painting my Grandmother painted. I inherited it.  Right now it is on top of my fridge and needs to be framed. See above picture.


20. Do you believe in God?   Yes. Here is a link to one of my personal web pages if you would like to know more and the why.

21. What hobby could you never give up?   My journal 

22. What color makes you think of Hope?  White

23. What color makes you think of Love? Pink

24. What is your favorite flower?  Lilacs.. makes me think of my mom and grandmother.

25. If you had one wish for the world, what would it be?  Perfect Peace.. but there will be none till the Prince of Peace comes.

26. Whats the best surprise you have ever received? I do not get surprised very often (ahem hint hint hint)  One of the best was a surprise birthday party when I was 15 my parents threw for me and another was buying this house. 

27. What can you cook like no-one else?  Umm.. cooking is not my thing.  I can make a real yummy spinonge dip.


28. What do you think about most?   It's all about Jesus.

29. Who is your favorite poet? Christina K. Brown  

30. And last but not least, if you could wrap yourself up in one word...what would  that word be?  Blessed

Saturday, November 12, 2005

And what are Josh's top 10 Needs

My friend Jess gave me this idea.. she did a search on her and then on her hubby.  I know what mine say.. so Let's see Josh's too.   If you want to play along just type in your name  and needs in your search engine and pick out 10 phrases that come up.

1.Josh needs a new bicycle  (ohh so that is what I should get him for Christmas?? LOL)  

2.Josh needs a holiday or just a cuddle (I'd cuddle him if he was here!)  

3.Josh Needs Our Help and Prayer  (This is true!)  

4.Josh needs remedial spelling lessons pronto (LOL maybe that is why he won't start his own blog?)  

5.Josh needs a new television set (ya he has been wanting to get a newier one.  The color on ours in the living room is going funny)  

6.Josh needs a two-parent family that can provide structure (see a theme here??? LOL)  

7.Josh needs to explore himself to see what he needs (ya.. cuz I am not going to do it)  

8.Josh needs change of pants (yep because I am not doing his laundry)    

9. Josh needs to learn how to delegate better and how to respect his staff (um.. ok that could apply)    

10. Josh needs know there is a large community of supporters wishing him well, and waiting for his return. (This is the best out of all of them and the most ture!!!)


Mary's top 10 needs according to a web search

Mary's top 10 needs.. a web search  Got this idea off of Christina's blog.. freaky how true some of these are!  

1. Mary needs prayer  (YES! PLEASE)

2. Mary needs the Lamb in school  (Yep, think of my children)

3. Mary needs a two parent home  (ouch considering my last post)

4.Mary needs to be marketed passionately to national and international audiences (ya! more readers)

5.Mary Needs a Little Consistency (oohh ouch true true true)

6. MARY needs a make over  (that would be nice)

7.Mary needs to find out what the students think (um.. ok?)

8.Mary needs you in this area (it would be nice to have more of my friends in my area)

9.Mary needs a powerful, enduring culture of philanthropy (ya! show me the money)

10.Mary needs to be more diverse, more international and even more public  ( I dont know how you get more public then this.. but the webs says I need to be more.. so it must be so lol)

THIS prob is one of those entries I should save for my private Bitching N Moanings


Thursday, November 10, 2005

Now!!Who's the bigger fan huh!?? LOL

I did it!  I beat my mom at getting Neil's new CD!  I had to get it.. if only for the song I inspired, Oh Mary. But I love most of the songs on it so it is worth it.  I would of just down loaded it off music@aol but it wasn't available there yet.  Too bad, prob would of been cheaper at $1 a download vs the $18 or so that I paid for it at Sam Goody.  Wal-Mart didn't have it and normally if you get a cd or dvd there the first week it is out it is a bit cheaper.  But hey.. it was a TREAT my self kind of day.  I deserve it!

To tell the truth I was a bit shocked when I called my mom and she said she had not gone out and bought it yet.  I figured she would of been first in line.. and it's been out for two days already!!  She mustttttttttt be slipping LOL.

On a side note.. it is OFFICAL.. I am OLD!  Like I said I went into SamGoody to get the cd.  It was overun by young'ins with funky dyed hair and pierced everythings.  I had all four of my kids in toe and doing my best to keep them from over running the place.  We found my cd fast enough but ofcourse the kids wanted to look at posters and all the do dads that really were inappropriate for their age if you know what I mean.. my fave was a key chain with a bee on it that said "Bee--itch" and close second was a poster Zane commented on, it had Gnomes tending a lavish green garden.. he liked it and thought it was cool.. daddy likes Gnomes.. I shook my head when I had to explain to my 11 yrd son what the green garden was growing. You would of thought I had walked into a Spencer's at the Mall.  There was Christmas (I use that term lightly) items out, one was a punked out snowman.  I had to yell at Lilly to stop playing with the evil snowman lol.  As I was in line.. it was long.. the kids couldn't keep together and I had to yell at them and was getting very frustrated.  Normally they are well behaved, must be the candy they get fed at school. I had all eyes on me when I yelled "GIRLS!" as my 3 started to wonder away. A group of young girls froze like deer in headlights and then turned around and looked at me.. opps no not you.. my girls. lol 

Sad really.. not so long ago I would of been in there looking probly simlar to those hip teens/young adults buying the latest Black Crowes or Metallica lol but now I am in there with 4 kids wearing a pink granny sweater buying Neil Diamond.  Should I be mourning my youth?? Na.. 17 is long gone and 30 is peaking around the corner and looking at some of the teens now.. I don't think I would want to go threw all that again!

Weath that Endures

Saw this on the Laugh and Lift daily e-mail and thought this went well with this previous post.

The Wealth That Endures
(Author Unknown)

You may lay up vast riches of silver and gold,
Of precious jewels and treasures untold.
When you come at last to the end of the road,
Your wealth will be what you've given the Lord.

You may own countless acres--a lordly estate,
You may dwell in a mansion costly and great;
But the mansions in glory will only be given
To those whose treasure is laid up in heaven.

Your name may be written on the scroll of the great,
And your fame may extend to heaven's own gate;
But the plaudits of God are reserved as reward
For those whose riches have honored the Lord.

Matthew 6:20 "But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal."

My Friend

A squeeze of the hand

A wink of mischief

A hug of encouragement

A smile that brightens up the room

A figurative foot that kicks me in the butt

A silent prayer

An ear to hear what I am really trying to say

An eye to see just what my needs are even when I can not

A head full of wisdom

A heart full of God's Love

A blessing to know

My Friend and Sister

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

In case you forgot like I did. there is another chance to view the program

FRONTLINE: the last abortion clinic | PBS   I totaly spaced that this show was going to be on tonight!!!!!  You know I am kicking myself right!  Good news is that you can view the program tomorrow on PBS's website.  There is also a message board that looks very active.. Let your voices be heard on it and in your blogs!

Monday, November 7, 2005

Pulling some of my thoughts together on a popular quote

CLICK HERE TO PLAY if song does not load

There seems to be a common thread in some of my conversations lately and a few blogs I have read and the last couple messages from our church's pulpit and even the music I have been hearing. Pride, Humble and God's Soviernty and Knowing What The Word says.  This is just my attempt to pull some of my thoughts together, see what God has been trying to say to me and I am NOT slamming anyone but maybe some of you may benefit also.

"God helps those who help themselves."  I was talking with some one when they quoted that old saying and they seemed to think it came from the Bible.  The exact origins of this parable that is said often in our country I do not know but I can assure you it is not from the Bible, at least not that phrase.  I looked, I searched for it, and what I found was the exact opposite.  Any reference I found to help and themselves was put into the context of people gathering themselves to seek God's help, asking for his provision and having confidence that God was going to come threw for them. 2Ch 20:4And Judah gathered themselves together, to ask help of the LORD: even out of all the cities of Judah they came to seek the LORD.  2Ch 32:8With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the LORD our God to help us, and to fight our battles. And the people rested themselves upon the words of Hezekiah king of Judah.

But that saying sounds soooooo good.. there has to be some truth to it right??  It is true that a lazy person will not be blessed, people who can but don't work will starve and not provide the basic needs for their family.  God does come down on laziness and gluttony pretty hard but I don't think that is what this saying "God helps those who help themselves" means when people say it.  When I hear people quote it, it is more of a "pull yourself up by the boots straps, don't be weak and needy and do for yourself first before even thinking you can ask God for help", kind of attitude.  And what is wrong with having that kind of attitude?  Isn't that kind of the American spirit? Some of our most celebrated Hero's and Icons are those who are self made, found their fortunes despite poor back grounds.  Our national motto drips with self Pride and the American dream is to have a house with nice things to fill it and two cars in the drive way.  Our self measure, self worth is based on what we have and we are told to be proud to do it all on our own with out help.

And that is the folly of it all... Pride.  I can do for myself all on my own and don't need help.. I did it all my way, that is Man's wisdom NOT God's.  The Bible does have a lot to say about pride and one of them is Pride comes before a fall. Here are just a few verses of what God has to say about Pride.

 Psalms 10:4 The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek [after God]: God [is] not in all his thoughts.

Proverbs 8:13 The fear of the LORD [is] to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate.

Proverbs 11:2 [When] pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly [is] wisdom.  

Proverbs 16:18 Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.  

Proverbs 29:23 A man's pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit.  

1 John 2:16 For all that [is] in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.  

Isn't interesting how the World says to have pride but God says that is evil?  What is at the heart of all this?  Why aren't we to be proud of our accomplishments and what we have done with our own two hands? Why can't we boast about it just a bit? Because the focus is wrong.  We exalt ourselves over God.  We don't recognize if it wasn't for him we would have nothing, we build our own kingdom instead of his. We become our own god and fail to see he is sovern. We start to look down on those who have less and see them as lazy and feel better about ourselves for having more.  Oh come on.. don't tell me you haven't thought it now and then.. "It is a shame about the homeless or the poor or those in the inner city... but really why can't they pull themselves up by the boot straps and work to make something of themselves??  This IS AMERICA for crying out loud.. the land of opportunity, where you can be what ever you want to be if you work hard at it."  

Recently someone I know lost their house.  They filed for bankruptcy and their house is being taken by the bank.  They feel so ashamed right now, so low, and I know this has taken a toll on their self worth.  They said they have been humbled but really what they said was humiliated and is afraid of what people are going to think of them now.  Hey we all make mistakes and sometimes things get to a point where we give up and look for a fresh start but because we have been taught to measure our value by possessions and not how God sees us,  being with out the house and the car and unable to buy the big gifts at the holidays, we are deemed as a failure in our society.  When our Pride is stripped away the world looks down at us but that is exactly where God wants us to be, humble and broken.  When we are at our weakest he is at his strongest.  When we are broken he can work with us because we are looking to HIM and not to our self to provide for our needs.  He can correct us when we are humbled and show us our heart and renew us.  God disciplines those he loves!  He uses tribulations for our benefit and for his glory.  We are to rejoice when trouble comes because he is doing a might work.  Romans 5:3 but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;  Romans 12:12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;  2 Corinthians 1:4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.  

I know what you are thinking.. sure Mary it is easy for you to say that now.. you have your wonderful new house and you guys are doing well for yourselves. Aww yess.. I have been very blessed!  And I give all glory to God for what I do have, where he has brought us.  It has not always been this way as my family and friends and anyone who has followed my blog for awhile can tell you.  We have been on welfare, we have been one check away from being homeless, we have wondered where our next meal will come from and going to food banks, we have in the past filed for chapter 13, we have lived with out all the luxuries in life like cable and a second car and sometimes even no telephone.  I know how that shame feels, thinking others are looking down on you and Iknow how humbling it is to have a church pay your rent for an entire winter and other's buying the Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas gifts for my children.  But you know what?  I am so so so very thankful for those times in my life!!!

 Praise God for those times in my life!!  I would not be the person I am today if he had not allowed for us to go threw that fire.  I learned so much about God during those times.  I grew in my relationship with him and learned to trust him for everything.  He got me to the point where I learned not to worry about things and to be content in every situation.  He showed me that my self worth was not based on the same measuring stick that the world uses but by him and his love and our relationship.  I learned to be thankful.. really thankful!  I recognize that it is all him and not anything we have done that we are where we are now. 

To tell you the truth I am often overwhelmed by how blessed I am.  I fought getting this house and this blessing tooth and nail.  I didn't want to be here, didn't feel worthy of it, and I did NOT want my pride to rear it's ugly head.  Sometimes I think it is better to be with out then to have all the treasures of this life.  I much rather look forward to the rewards and treasure I have stored up for me in heaven then the ones I have here on this earth.  True prosperity is not what is in your bank account or what house you live in or car you drive but thriving and growing in God.  If my house was to be taken away tomorrow and we went back to where we were, I would still be so blessed and so thankful.  

I think if I had lived my life by that saying "God helps those who help themselves" I would not be here to day... I would be dead.  Sometimes we can not help our self, do for our self and we have to cry out, we have to seek God's help FIRST before we can do anything. How lonely it is to feel like you have to do it all on your own!  He doesn't want us to do it our self, he wants us to seek him, to be humble and meek, to lean on his strength alone.  He loves us and wants us to give it all over to him, to be our very present help in time of need, to be our strong tower of refuge and strength, to hide under the shadow of HIS wings, to be our provider and portion, our deliver.  He wants to reveal himself to us and he does it by making us humble so that we are in awe of him when he does answer those prayers, when does bless, when he does give and yes even when he does take away.  He wants us to know HE IS GOD alone, he IS the Great I AM!  

Those in the Bible who are the greatest, who God used in big awesome ways were not powerful, full of self pride and wordly riches.  Just the opposite really.  He uses those who are the least likely in the world's eyes to do great things as examples of faith and God's power and glory. A simple shepord boy and a few stones(David).  An ex judge humilated and blinded (Samson).  A murder who ran from Egept (Moses).  A carpenter's son...  you get the point.  

I know this has run on.. way longer than I had intended.  But if I have struck a cord with you at all and you are thinking you need help, God's help.. ASK HIM!  He will give it.  Seek him first and then all things will be given to you.  He came to give life abundant but it wasn't just about the material but about your soul.  He will give you Peace and Joy and Garments of Praise.. those are his riches.. not gold and silver or cars and all the rest.  Put your self worth in him and who you are in HIM.  

1 Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:  

James 4:10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.  

Matthew 18:4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.  

Micah 6:8 He hath shewed thee, O man, what [is] good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

Saturday, November 5, 2005

PBS Documentary to Show Pro-Life Successes in Closing Abortion Facilities

WASHINGTON, November 4, 2005 ( - A documentary will air November 8 on PBS in the US that highlights the success of pro-life workers in closing abortion facilities through legal means. “Frontline” will air its programme called "The Last Abortion Clinic" which is billed as an examination of the efforts to “chip away” at Roe v. Wade with hundreds of state laws restricting or limiting abortion.

The programme, which takes a decidedly pro-abortion angle, focuses on a Supreme Court case, scheduled for November 30, that could indicate whether Chief Justice John Roberts will allow states to keep laws restricting abortion which in the past have been routinely overturned.

One anonymous abortionist is quoted complaining that the legal work of pro-life activists is putting an end to the baby-killing movement. “The assault on abortion rights is very clever. It's very smart. And we are losing,” he said.

The Last Abortion Clinic refers to the work of the group, Pro-Life Mississippi, that has succeeded in closing, one by one, all but one of the state’s for-profit abortion facilities.

The programme will hearten pro-life Americans by showing how the local groups in Mississippi have pushed for laws that prevent public funds from being used for abortions. No institution that takes state money, including Medicaid, can perform abortions in Mississippi. This means that when private for-profit abortion mills go under, state hospitals also cannot fill the gap.

In addition, state funds, earned from pro-life license plates, go to fund pro-life and pro-mother crisis pregnancy centres where women receive medical referrals, financial assistance and help with parenting.

According to the PBS programme, the reduction of abortions in the US South can also be attributed to the passage of informed consent laws that require doctors to tell mothers about the development of their unborn children. Some states even require an ultra sound so that mothers can see their babies before making the decision.

Regulating abortion facilities to force them to operate according to the same standards as other outpatient surgical clinics has also helped close the private facilities which are notorious for their unsafe and unhygienic conditions.

The programme will air Tuesday, November 8, at 9:00 p.m. Eastern time.

Read PBS Frontline media release:

*** I know I will be watching and posting later my thoughts on it... why don't you too and get the blog spear buzzing about this issue*****

Friday, November 4, 2005

Pics posted of my small bathroom project

I think the bathroom turned out pretty good with all things considered.  I am not a professional painter.. I am only married to one lol.  Ofcourse the pictures don't do it any justice.. so you have to come on over for a visit to really see it!



Don't ask me what I was thinking when I picked the colors.  Maybe I was thinking those colors that would be a light pastel and give an open feeling to a small space and go with the flower pictures I wanted to hang.  I like purple and pink, that goes with saying.. but not THIS much for heaven's sake!  I thought I would really be happy with my first project in our new house but something was bugging me about it and the color after it was on the wall didn't give me the joy I thought it would. In my mind it was like I drank the purple and pink paint and I barfed it up all over the walls.. that was the feeling I was getting when I saw the walls finished. Then I finally figured out why these colors are so bitter sweet for me.. it kinda hit me like a ton of bricks sitting on the throne one night.. they are the same colors I used in my memorial picture for Beautiful.  Honestly I had not had all that in mind, maybe it was a subconscious thing?  At least this isn't the only bathroom in the house and if I don't want to go there.. both in mind and body.. I can run up stairs. 

Even though the color is not all that I wanted, I really LOVE how the framed flowers came out.  I took those pictures over a year ago at a relatives garden and have wanted to use the prints ever since.  I love the details that show up in them. I made the poster a long time ago too.  I was just playing with the PrintMaster program and used the same photos I had taken from the garden. I think the "Do Not Worry" and Matt 6:30 is a good life scripture to have hanging in the bathroom.. where some times we do our most deep thinking.  If you like any of the flower pics and want to get a print, feel free to down load them (just let me know). 

I spray painted frames I had on hand a metallic silver.  I am proud of how thrifty I was on that lol.  The silver matches the light fixture in there and eventually the mirror I want to make and to use an HGTV term.. really pops off the wall.  Originally I was thinking of doing something I saw in a home magazine called a picture tree. That is where you hang different size frames in a triangle pattern and connect them using ribbon. The ribbon I had bought was a light show threw white and on second thought really didn't go with the walls.  Maybe I will try that in a different room sometime.  If any of you do it or have an example please share with the class LOL. 

I am not sure what my next home project is going to be.  I didn't think the bathroom was going to take as long as it did and now I know why my husband get's paid the big bucks for painting.. it is WORK.  I don't think I am going to paint another room in our house.. I will leave that up to Josh.  That just means I will have to wait a bit longer to see any color on my walls.  Besides projects are more fun when done as a family. I really do want to get a mirror in that bathroom but I think that Christopher Lowell craft inspired project will have to wait too for Josh.  What I want to do requires a jig saw and I am not about to get anywhere near the power tools with Josh gone LOL.


Josh has left back up to Rockford.  He won't be home till Thanksgiving.  Those two days really went fast, too fast.  Loneliness is already starting to set in and a heavy feeling of all the daily responsibilities are on my shoulders.  I really don't feel like talking about it right yet.  Let me stew a few days.  I am sure I will have a really good rant pouring out of me by then.

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Neil Diamond's blog!!! With a Preview to his album coming out on the 8th!!!!

This just sent in from my mom.. the biggest Neil Fan ever..

It says it is his blog and I am going to assume that it really is since it has a full preview of his album coming out on the 8th.. 12 Songs.  Mom says so far from what she has heard, it is his BEST she has ever heard.. and that is saying a lot coming from her.

Do note the first song on it is "OH Mary"  I guess he DID notice me in that red dress screaming "I LOVE YOU NEIL" at the concert I went to with my mom and I inspired that song.  No really.. it is true.. musicians have a thing for me.. must be the blond hair or something.. first Tom and then Kurt and now finally.. Neil. heehee.

Just heard from Josh.. he is getting off earlier than he expected tonight and is HEADING HOME around midnight!!!  He will be here in the morning!!!!!!!!  Ohhhhh yaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Monday, October 31, 2005

Too much to do.. Putting off NaNoWriMo

I think I am going to back out of NaNoWriMO this year.  Is it out of fear that I can not do it.. no not really.. I know I can.. I have before.  Maybe it is I just don't want to churn out crap and want to be better prepared for next year instead? Yaaa that's it.. my time is precious, why spend a month writing a novel that is only going to sit in my unread computer files when I could focus that time and energy for that month on better things.. like getting deep into the Word and setting my house in order. Ya, that is what I am going to be telling myself and next year I am going to be so prepared for NaNoWriMo and write that Best Seller that will sweep the country and the world and launch my writing career.  LOL

Something is coming, I can feel it.  I feel like God has me in this place of preparing for it.  I don't know what it is, but it is something big.  Ever feel that way?  Like you are waiting to turn a corner and when you get there, a big surprise for you is going to jump at you? I wouldn't call it an uneasy feeling but more of an electric one. As I was driving to church this morning it was like God had put that on me.  Telling me to get ready.. get into the Word.

Maybe partly that feeling comes on because I have been considering changing churches (maybe) to one that is in town.  Now if you are already planted in a good church home you know that is a BIG change and not something some one should do lightly.  I am very comfortable in my current church home.. in my flesh I say "But I don't wanttta move churches.. I have a solid foundation at this one, good fellowship and friends and teaching.. I have my place there".  But I know God has brought me out here for a purpose and a plan and he has already put a few people that I have met on my heart.  My church is a 30 min. (at least) drive from where I live now.  Trying to encourage others that I meet to visit my church is somewhat hard.  The distance and drive time is a big obstacle for some people and my van barely fits my family much less another one.  There is a new church that has just opened close to my house that I visited their "meet and greet" party a few weeks back.  I have already recommended it to a few people but for some they need that push of encouragement to go if you go with them.. after all if you have been out of church your whole life who wants to just walk blindly into one with out knowing anyone there.  I know that was partly the case with me.  The thought is somewhat exciting to me also. A place where I can help disciple others, be apart of a growing family and what God is doing in this small growing town that I have moved to.. be effective in my little world, my community. Not that I don't have opportunities to serve in my current church.. Lord knows, but because of how far we live it has become something of a deterrent.  I had never considered it to be a problem before we moved but now that we are on the other side, I am kinda kicking myself for not thinking about how that would effect us.  I can not say for sure if we are going to move churches.. it is all in prayer and I will know when God tells me it is time.

One thing that did give me mixed feelings about the thought of moving home churches was yesterday we had a simple ceremony welcoming in 5 new members who have decided to join our church.  When you join a church you dedicate yourself to it and come under that leadership and their teacing.. it is very important.  There is too much cafeteria style Christianity where people go to this or that church for this kind of ministry and then to another.. like a buffet style.. when really that is not how it supposed to be.  You need to be planted somewhere so that you do have that accountability in your life.  So when these new members got up and said they wanted to do that my heart leapt.. and I thought.. see, I have dedicated myself to this church, this is where God wants me to be, why was I even entertaining the thought of leaving. 

But after church one of the ladies who sings (looks more like dancing to me) with Sign Language on the Worship team offered to start sign classes to anyone who wanted to learn.  I was very interested and ofcourse my 8 yrd daughter Annie chimed in right away that she wanted to learn too. I signed up for the 12 week classes as a family.  They start next Sunday.  What gets me about that is, the church I visited in town has deaf people as members and people were signing all over the place at the meet and greet and I had wished I could too so I could talk with the ones who were deaf and not need an interpreter.  So when the classes came up I thought.. ohhh isn't that perfect.. if we do switch I will know sign language to communicate with those members.  See how I go back and forth here??? LOL   I have many thoughts about this topic but I will save it.  Believe me when I say I would not move home churches with out much prayer and talking to others first about it and hearing from God.

THREE MORE DAYS and Josh is going to be home!!!!!!!!  That is another reason I am thinking of putting off NaNoWriMO.  I want to get this place in shape before Josh gets home.  I am soooo close to finishing the downstairs bathroom.  I just need to paint one more coat on a wall and then paint the ceiling.  Oh just wait till you see the pictures!  LOL Plus there is this thing with picture frames and ribbon to put in that bathroom I want to get done also before he gets home.  On top of that add the normal deep house cleaning I like to get done and the bills I have to pay.  He gets home Wed.  We are meeting at the hotel the Union is having the graduation party at.  I reserved us a room and have a babysitter all set.  I hope he knows he is NOT going to be sleeping Wednesday night LMBO! I would go and buy a special nighty for our overnight stay but really people what would be the point if you now what I mean. Thursday we plan on keeping the kids home so they can spend time with Daddy.  And Thursday night I invited two of our neighbors over for a chilly dinner.  I have been wanting to invite people over for a simple dinner for awhile now but not with out Josh here.  I told them if you want to see my husband.. really I DOOOOO have one, Thursday will be the best time.  So add shopping and cooking to my list of things to get done.  Josh then is going to leave Friday morning.  When he will come back who knows.  Maybe for Thanksgiving and then over Christmas we will go up there.

So as you can see I better get off my duff and get moving.  I don't expect to post much this week or get much reading done either (sureee I say that now.. we will see).  But come Friday night I will make the rounds and get all caught up!

Saturday, October 29, 2005

An up and coming Journal that you must get on to your Alerts!

Tales From The Front And The One's Left Behind is Chad & Christy's couple blog about life in the military.  It is  about both's viewpoint of the brave one going off to war and how the front REALLY IS Over There and the one who keeps the home fires burning till her beloved returns.  

Chad is about to be deployed to Iraq and what does Christy do?? LOL Start a blog about it so they can share with us all what they are going threw. 

This is a MUST for your alerts and RSS Feed PEOPLE!   Also don't forget to visit Christy's regular blog, Christy's Thoughts.

#197 Renewal of a friendship.. I cheated and reposted for this one   # 197 Describe 30 minutes in the renewal of a friendship  

I had started writing for this prompt and then it struck me.. I have a perfect past post that states clearly what I wanted to write.  It took me a good hour to hunt it down and I relived a lot of old postings to get to it. (Ever do any back reading in the archives? There is some good stuff in there)  

Rereading this old entry still brings tears to my eyes and I am grateful beyond the words for the Friendship that was renewed that day.  

Written originally . Sep. 5th 2004  

Mary… come walk with me, come and talk with me today”



“Yes Lord, but I am afraid to.. afraid of what you will say to me”



“Come.. my burden is light, you are carrying a heavy one, let ME love you”



“Lord, I know you love me, I love you too. But I feel like I am failing and slipping away from your embrace.  How can I stand in your presence?  How can I talk with you knowing all I know about myself, for you have surely showed me my heart and all the sin that is still there? I have been flirting with the path of un-righteousness.”



“Mary… I know your heart and I know I am in there.  Do not forget me, your first Love.  Let me hold you and heal you of these hurts.  Take my forgiveness, I already gave it to you, remember all I have done for you.”



“Satan laid a big trap for me this time didn't he? And I walked right into it with my eyes open.  He knows where I am my weakest and when I am feeling my lowest.  I know all sin is conceived in the mind and thoughts can be held accountable as the same as deeds.”



Daughter… I love you and with out me you will fail.  You stopped focusing on Me.  I had to do something to bring it back.  Do not be so quick to blame Satan for everything.  It was I who allowed all that to happen, to show you your heart and to bring you into a new understanding of Grace and Mercy.  All though you tried to muffle my voice, you know I was there the whole time with you”



“Yes.. I remember hearing your spirit calling out to me.. I remember you trying to warn me, telling me to remember.. and I ignored you.  It felt so good to listen to Satan’s lies, even thought I knew they was lies, I wanted to be selfish for awhile.  He whispered to me it was ok to be selfish for awhile and I wanted to listen.  I wanted to be my old me, be back to a time when I only lived for me and hand no one else to worry about.  But when I did that, as good as it felt, I got angry.  I started to get angry with the life I was given, that I was not more, my flesh side cried out to be more then you had purposed for me.  I became unsatisfied with my life and longing for more in this World.. But there was no PEACE there, and I knew that and that fed into my anger.  I have been walking in your Peace Lord for so long, I forgot what it was like not to have it, and now I remember how horrible life is with out it.”



“I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  I have given you life abundant.  Come back now to that Perfect Peace only I can give you.  I have such a wonderful plan for your life Mary.. Already you have touched so many for the kingdom and have a great reward stored up for you.  You may not see or know all you have done while you was faithful, but I do.  Wait for your reward and forsake the charms of this World.  You are who I want you to be, you are right where I want you to be.  Your whole life I have been guiding you, you know that by now.  I know your heart’s desire and I see your hurts and disappointments.  There is not one thought you have had or dream that I have not seen and some that I have put there myself.  Be patient.  Hold steadfast.  I have more in store for you, and I will not let you fall away.  I am always with you and never will forsake you.  I love you.”



THANK YOU LORD! It helps so much to be reminded of all this.  I know you have blessed me so much.  I have so much in you that others can only dream of.  You have given me a wonderful family and children.  You have given me a loving husband who cares for me like you would have him care for me. You have given me health even when I know I have abused my body. You have given me friends who lean on me and I lean on them.  You have provided a home and life for me that I always longed for when I was young.  Stable.  Forgive me Lord.. Forgive me for starting to become ungrateful, and for judging others.  You have shown me what I am capable of when I am not closely walking with you.  I know I see ppl as black and white sometimes and judge them for their actions and not their heart.  Help me remember the next time I start to think how horrible some one is that I could be them, I could do that same thing as easily as they could, but the difference is YOU and to show them that honestly.   THANK YOU LORD for lifting this spirit of heaviness and giving me garments of praise.  THANK YOU LORD for calling me into your presence even though I resisted.  I love you Lord and I thank you for loving me so much, for being the Lover of my soul.”



“Here is a big hug from me, feel it? I have already forgiven you.  Remember when I said it is finished?”



“Yes! And it feels so good Lord.  Help me now.  Help me to stay right here with you.  Help me to keep this focus and to walk in the spirit at all times.  Help me to care for my family and the other ppl you have put in my life the way you want me to.  Help me to be obedient to your calling on my life.  Help me to cast out these selfish thoughts.  Help me to think on things that are Pure and Lovely and Of Good Report and Praise Worthy.  Feed me your bread of life and grow me up in you.”



“Mary, I will, don't think I would have you do it all alone.  I am still working on you and perfecting you, these things will happen, but I will make you stronger each time.  Don't be away from me for so long, talk with me daily.  Now go back to the house work and get off the computer.”





I wrote that the other day in my Word Program (obviously). I have written alot just not here.  I can't seem to help myself, I must be a writer lol

It was early morning and it is the real conversation Me and Jesus had..   Since then life has been just a bit more brighter and easier to handle all I am dealing with.  I typed it as it all flashed in my head, did not pick up the Bible.  But reading it now I can see the many scriptures quoted in it, the promises I had read before.  See how his Word works!!  Hide it in your hearts friends..