Tuesday, November 30, 2004




 Word Count So Far Winner!
                            50033 / 50000 words



I would like to thank all my supporters and yes even my husband who let me take the last two days to get this endever done!


But awwww.. my story is far from finished!! I have the required word count to win NaNoWriMo but I tell you the truth, I am about half way into the story its self!  But it sure has been fun.  So I will take my "free time, and sweet time" getting the rest done.  More tomorrow on my book. Now it is time to sleep (after I thank my hubby) and then some deep cleaning needs to be done around here!

Is there no limit?!! See where this world is head?

AOL News - Terminally Ill Babies Euthanized "The slippery slope in the Netherlands has descended already into a vertical cliff," said Wesley J. Smith, a prominent California-based critic, in an e-mail to The Associated Press."


See where a society of DEATH LEADS?!!!!

A Sea of Orange at Lambo

The Packers and the Rams played lastnight and I am always torn in who to cheer for when my home teams face off.  A few months ago the radio stations was giving away the very hard to get ahold of tickets to this game up in Green Bay... guess who didn't win.

Oh well.. I really was not paying attention to the game, it was more of background noise as Josh let me work on my novel.  He promised me that today was my day to work on it (since the dead line is so close and he has read that I feel he is unsupportive)

Why is it when I am given a free pass my fingers and mind will not connect and I can not be productive??? gurrr.  So I noticed that the Pack was kicking Ram's butt, WTG Brett! HaHa Rams that is what you get for getting rid of my man Warnner.  Then I noticed the sea of orange that is normaly green and gold in Green Bay.  I asked Josh if he noticed and he just shrugs his shoulders.  I rashonialized it was because it is hunting season and the hunters took a break to see the game, plus the stadum is out side and it is very cold up there so that is why everyone is wearing thier toasty hunter apperal.  Logical right? Right.  But being the cheese head that I am, I still feel that something is up, there are not THAT many ppl into hunting up there (or is there?).  And yes I had heard and was very sadden by that murder of the five hunters in Northern Wis. last week.  I take notice of all the crazy stuff coming out of my birth state and all I can do is shake my head.

So me being the ultimet procasiater in the world sees that my mom is online and choose to make chit chat with her.  Ofcourse the game comes up and I tell her how I just can't decide who to root for and she yells at me in all caps.. THE PACKERS DUH! YOU MAY OF MOVED BUT IT WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR HOME TOWN, YOU HAVE TO CHEER FOR THEM AND ONLY THEM! She is kidding surely, we never was much into football but it is always fun when they are winning to go all out in the green and yellow and blend in with the other fans.

I then tell her how funny it is that there is so many ppl wearing orange, that alot of hunters must be in attendance. Then she gives me the "411" and said that fans was asked to wear hunter orange to show support and in memory of those hunters who got murdered up north.  I had no idea, and I would of never known unless she had told me.  No wonder.  I am so proud that there was all that orange now and yes the Pack is an awesome team with awesome fans.  Thought you all should know that. 

Ofcourse mom and I had a long chat about the whole thing and I got more info that the natonail news didn't put out.  The national news made it seem ratcial motivated and that the guy just went off on the hunters.. but I know better.  It is a well known fact that YOU DO NOT go on land that is not yours, hunters are very teritorial (well duh) So it is expected to get yelled at if you go onto some one's land univited, and a warning shot is nothing really.  But to come back and shoot up 5 ppl in the back because you are pissed, defently a big NO NO.  If you are that pissed off a gun is the last thing you should have in your hands, I don't care what ethinic group you are in.

I know this gives hunting a bad image and that is sad.  It is a big family tradion in many families, father and son bonding and men stuff you know.  Plus deer meat is very yummy and it helps thin out the over population of deer. It is a good thing. I know we are talking about learning how to hunt and even considering getting Zane a beginers riffle.  I think I have said in here before I think it is a good skill to know, just in case you cant go and buy or sell.

I am really sad for the families who are griving over lost ones because of some crazy who didn't have anger control. 

Anywho... I better get to bed so I can write tomorrow... MUST MAKE THE MIDNIGHT DEAD LINE! I have like 7,532 words to do in less than 24 hours.. plus I am not even half way to where I want the story to be!

Monday, November 29, 2004

Be Heard, Make a Stand!

Dear friend,

My name is now associated with an official U.S. Supreme Court
Amicus Brief on behalf of the Ten Commandments, and I'm asking
you to do the same.

Right now, the U.S. Supreme Court is preparing to hear two cases
that will ultimately decide the fate of the Ten Commandments and
will greatly affect our rights as citizens to publicly acknowledge

This official Amicus Brief will be filed with the Supreme Court,
and will become part of the official record of the case. Click here
to read the brief:


+ + A Last Stand For Religious Liberty?

Unless the believers of our nation rise up, we will be throwing
open the door for rampant secularism in our land.

By taking action today, and joining the Citizens Committee in
support of this historic brief, we are taking a leadership role
in the fight to protect and preserve our religious liberty and
heritage. Click here to sign:


Thanks for taking action with me!

Mrs. Mary Hamm

P.S. All filings must be in place by December 1.


God's Word will never pass away and the Ten Commanents is part of God's Word so it's fate is already decided! But the right to publicy display it and teach about it and all the other things the minority in this country is trying to do is coming to a head and this case could hinge on what way our Nation will go!  I encourage you to take part!

Trying to get into the Spirit.

Got out the Christmas music last week but I had not really bothered to listion to any of it.   Then flipping threw my cds I found the one I got a few years ago called Christmas Shoes. 

*as now heard in my journal*

The first time I heard this song it was preformed by one of the ladies at church for our Christmas Special.  I was in tearssssssss by the end (I challange anyone not to cry once after first hearing this song)

The next year I heard it a few times on the radio, since I had found a good Christian music statoin, but I think the song has also got some play on even the secular stations.  Then I saw the movie put out by CBS based on the book.  I didn't know it was a book too.  I liked the movie, it was ok, but it put me in full rant mode since they went generic and exchanged the wording.. saying God instead of Jesus.. that was not how the song went and after I read the book it was not how the book went either. I know some may think, big deal, some get offended by the name of Jesus so they said God instead.  WEll there is my point... there are many gods and ppl don't know that even being generic is offensive. *sigh* anyways.. I love this song and it is special to me. 

The only reason I even have the cd and the book is because that one year I went down to the PRC (pregnancy resource center) and dontated alot of the baby closths I did not use anymore.  One of the radio personalities I like was broadcasting there, I didn't know he was going to be there but I listion to his show when I am in the car at that time slot.  I had Annie with me, she was 3 going on 4.  She was excited to help me and insited on going with me.  It seemed that there was a big drive going on at this center but not a big responce and the things I brought was much needed. I am very shy so when I saw the radio station set up I avoided that part of the room like the plauge lol.  But Bob Wells pulled me over and made Annie say hi into the mic and me lol and thanked us for stopping by.  And as an after thought I think he gave me a whole stack of Christmas Books and CDs they had reserved for door prizes.  It was getting late and I think I was one of the last ppl to come and donate.  I had not expected anything in return but I got blessed with that CD and the Book and also bragging rights that I saw Bob Wells in peson lol.  To this day Annie remembers meeting him and when ever we are in the car she asks if he is going to be on.  Zane is always keeping his ear out for an oppurtinity to meet him now, so that his sister doesnt have that one up on him lol.

Enjoy this song as we remember what Christmas is all about. I will try and put more Holiday music in for December too.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

How's that?

I hate drama in my life. I do not go looking for it or thrive off of it like some.  I am pretty much an easy going person, so I like to think. Well except when it's that time of the month, then yes every feeling is magnfied.  But that is maybe 3 days out of 30.  Some ppl it is more like 27 days out of 30.  Some ppl like to hold on to ppl's mistakes and be bitter and that will poisin thier whole life and even to the point where it will effect thier health.  Anyway, I hate the thought that some one is upset with me or that I have hurt anyone in anyway.  Two days I have let it eat at me as I mull it over and over in my head and dreading the Holidays because of it! But now that I wrote out an apoligy I am free.  How they choose to take it is up to them and I am free from how they choose to deal with thier own dramas.

"You are right, I should of kept that comment to myself and I am sorry. I just wanted to make sure my mom would tell me what she was getting the kids, since normally she likes to keep it secret and we did not want a repeat of last year. I did not realize how I sent the e-mail and that you would ever read it, regardless it was not very nice and I am sorry.

  I know you take great joy in picking out and buying the kids their gifts and I know the children will be happy with what ever you give them."  

 I wanted to add a few things but I deleted it.  It would not of been productive to say it doesnt matter what they get the kids, it is the thought that counts, not how much money that was spent.  Or that the definition of a gift is realeasing it to the person and not expecting something back or that Christmas shouldn't be about gifts but about The Lord and the gift he gave us freely. Or even adding how I felt hurt and disapointed over the whole Thanksgiving thing.  Some things are better left unsaid and should be obvouis anyways with out having to say it.  

This is not the kind of relationship I want with my in-laws.  I want to love them and they love me back, even if we don't always mesh.  I don't want to have to walk on eggshells and hold my tounge in fear of offending some one.  I don't want every little thing to be a big deal.  Yes, I relize that is all normal family stuff and every one has issuse here and there with the family they have married into.  Oh well, live and learn, moving on and lettingthe drama go, releasing it all to God to heal.  

I did get a call Friday from a company that I had applied for online.  It is a call cetnter for a rent-a car place (not naming names cuz you never know)  The lady seemed very intrested in me and did a quick mini interview.  She was very nice and I felt very relaxed but I did answer all the questions off the cuff so I don't know how it all sounded.  When she asked if I could type at least 20wpm I about laughed and said Ohh yess I am much faster than that. ( I will have to test myeslf to say for sure on my Mavis program but I say 55-60wpm)  Then she asked me questions about customer service and how I would deal with certain situations.  I am not positive if I answered right but I answered truthfuly and that is what counts I think.  When asked about my carreer path and how this position would fit it, I kinda stumbled because I really had not thought about it.  I said my plan is to go back to school when my youngest children are in school full time, so this would be a good job for me to help in saving for that.  I am sure there is a better answer for that but oh well.  She said they would call me next week after a panel had reviewed my answers and the next step if they thought I was qualified would be an in person interview.  The pay is $10 an hour (whaaahooo) in an office envirment (just what I want) with oppurtinty for advancment.  Currently they had openings only in the evenings and I could choose my shift that either started at 3,4,5 or 6.  I told her the one that started at 6 would probly be the best, figuring Josh would for sure be home from work by then and I could at lest still fix my family dinners before I left.  But working to 3 a.m. and getting used to those hours would be a challange.  When will I sleep???  Ofcourse I am used to being a night owl and if I let myself, I can stay up till 3 on the puter anyways, might as well get paid for it right?  The plus for me is it is all over the phone and I wont have to worry about my smile and my phone voice is plesant.  

 Also last week I got an e-mail from a temp agancy for a job I had sent my resume in for a Copy Clerk possition.  The position pays $10-13 an hour and also in a profesional office enviorment.  The e-mail said they was intrested and that my from my resume I was qualified but to aply at the temp agency's website and then some one would call me.  So I may also get a call from them this week too.  That sounds like a good job also and a nice entry level situation.  The big down fall I would think on that one is it is in Clayton, about a 35-45 min drive, lousy parking, and it is day hours.  Plus more people interaction lol.  

OK, so yesss, I admit it, I confess, I am a bit excited about those prospects.  It is what I want, not some factory work and it is the pay that Josh has required me to make.   Just all the details and all that is up in the air but that will work out if it is meant to be.  I will try and not get my hopes up too high, because as we all know once I do start to work it will only be a matter of months and I will be back home.  But it is just like I thought, I am getting used to the idea of working, and if it is in a place I want to be at, I will love it and enjoy it and when the time comes and Josh sees that it is not what is best, I will have to leave and I will not want to.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Yikes! I am getting nut'n for Christmas for sure!

Can we just skip this time of year????  I mean, do I have to particpate at all?  Can I get away with just hidding in a hole? You think that would work?

My kids really do not put big stock in gifts, not that they will turn them down or anything.  Last year we didn't write out a list persay, they just told ppl what they wanted.  They told the grandparents the same things, are we resposible for the cordination of it all??? I guess so.  Zane got a CD/radio from Josh's mom for helping her move last Thanksgiving.  But before that he had told my mom and Josh's dad and step mom that he really wanted a cd player and cds.  But he had told them other things he wanted also.  Obvously the in-laws don't talk often. THey hardly talk with us as it is.  Anyway, my mom and his dad both got Zane a cd player.  Both equaly nice.  So he got 3 of them all together.  NO big deal, just take back the two and get store credit.  Well like I said in previous posts everything is a big deal to them.  But it all worked out in the end, Zane got credit at Best Buy and also some left over for a book case that he really needed.  Also one of the girls got two boots the moneky doll, still no biggie, one was given to the other so they both have one.  Anyway to the point.

Maybe it is partly me, and putting it off and not making them write wish lists.  I remember every year having one myself as a kid and always getting disapointed.  I want them to be happy with what ever they get.  But my mom pinned me down and made me get one out to her.  So I e-maild it to her last week and made the  comments "Please let me know what you get them so I can give the other grandparents the heads up too.  Last year some of the kids got two of a certain thing and Tom and Jeanne had a fit about it."

 Here is a lession in fwd in being aware of what you write ppl!  You know I am the family's secratary and since I didn't go to Thanksgiving with the rest of my family the list and what my mom had said she was getting got left behind and Josh couldn't remember what I told him.  So ofcourse they asked for a list, so I fwd the one I sent to my mom.  I should of copy and pasted not highlighted and clicked fwd.. yikes.  So they read what I wrote to my mom.  Needless to say I got an e-mail saying "We were very happy to get the kids list, however we were very unhappy to read what was written to Wilma.  Very unnecessary. Last year Zane got 3 NOT 2 CD players because you told all grandparents to get the same thing. We look forward to Christmas and take a lot of time picking out their presents and watching them open them.  (Not counting the money we spend.) It was nice you gave different lists to different people however your
wise comment was very inappropriate."

Ok yes, I know I should shoot over a I'm Sorry e-mail.  But you know it will make no differnace with them.  I know it.  But it was true, they did throw a bit fit and make a big deal about EVERY THING! AND I DID NOT TELL THEM WHAT TO GET.. THE KIDS DID!  Oh well.. I will eat the humble pie.  I was in the wrong ofcourse.  Sorry!!! God only knows what they say about me when I am not around.

This feels like our first Christmas down here all over again.  When we left early from thier house and went over to Josh's Aunt and Unkles house.  The plan was just to stop by and give them the pics we had for them of the kids and then leave.  We was so tired from staying up late the night before and playing Santa.  I was pracatly falling asleep so I asked Josh if we could leave and only on our way home, since they lived right around the block did I sugest we stop by and give them the pics.  We was there maybe an hour or so.  But some how they found out (not that it should matter) and wow, you would of thought we did something so dispicable.  How was I to know I was stepping into a big family fued?  I was not told of all that before I moved down here.  Guess who we hardly talk with anymore for fear of offending some one??

Peace, Love, Joy.. Good Will to Men.. oh ya and the Birth of our Saviour.. right?


Friday, November 26, 2004

Hahaha I courputed the Girl!

Amy has a ~J!!!!!!!!!!

So go over there and give her a proper J~Land Welcome!!!!!

Wow! It's Me!

Plus there is another silly pic of her and Me on there!

Alice's Restaurant Massacree!

Yesterday we listened to our traditonal Thanksgiving song... a long family tradition with Josh and his dad and one Josh and I have made our own with the kids.

My dad used to have this record and I remembering thinking how silly it was and how my stoner acid tripping friend was freaking out when she saw I had this records.. soo all good memories lol

I was tempted to buy it from AOL Music and embed it but I know some prefer a link.. so here you go.. warning, it for some reason keeps buffering and not good quality, but still give it a try.

Alice's Restaurant Massacree


Soooo if you are ever drafted... sing "YOU CAN GET ANYTHING YOU WANT... AT ALICE'S RESTAURANT!"



The day before Thanksgiving we did get snow!  3-4 inches!!

I knew it was in the forcast but hardly expected more than a few flakes.  I have missed the Wisconsin Winters since living down here in MO.  Sure it snows, but hardly sticks for any amount of time and it has been forever since we could sled or have snow balls or make a snow man.  I had been having dreams of snow for two weeks and then disapointed each morning to wake up to 60 or so degree weather. LOL yes I am a nut and a big kid.

Wednesday when all that drama was going on and I was on the phone trying to figure out what to do with Little Amy and I was so upset and crying my eyes out, it started to snow with out me even relizing it.  Ohhh but my kids noticed and once there was ground covering they was jumping up and down wanting to get out in it.  So I dug out the winter coats and could only find two pairs of gloves (Lilly's & AnnMarie's) and got them all bundled up to go have a ball.  Zane and Sophia wore socks on thier hands (some thing my brother and sister and I used to have to do alot as kids).  They thought I was crazy.  It worked for awhile till they got soaking wet and we had to change them for a fresh pair. Ha! You didn't know socks was just for feet  now did you?!  Zane and Annie went to work, storing up snow balls on the front porch, laying in wait for Daddy to get home.  I warned them, they may want to reconsider that and just take all those snow balls and make a big snow man.  But NO! They wanted to attack Daddy and get him, get him good!

So meanwhile, as they was out playing in the snow, getting soaking wet I was on the phone with my friend Amy, complaining how unfair the situation was with little Amy, and how upset I was and how I would make my own dinner if I could, serve them right, you know.  What does she do!  She comes over with a Turkey and stuffing and a few other trimings for me to make a dinner!!! OMG.  She would hear nothing of it, she didnt want a thanks, that is what friends do. I tell Josh but he still, still!wants to go down to his parents.  So Big Amy said there is always room at her house and Amy could come over while we was down there.  That still is not right!  Josh doesn't see why I am so upset, he kinda understands but he wont do anything to stand up to his parents. I told him to pick up little Amy on his way home ( I didn't warn him about the snow balls waiting for him hehehehe)  The kids got Him sooooooooooooooooo good! But they all had fun and Josh didn't get them back as bad as I thought he would.  Josh told me they almost didn't let him out of the car because of them throwing so many snow balls. LOL.

Later that evening I asked Josh again to call his dad and maybe explain it better to him and how much that it meant to me and how stupid they are being.  He said he already did and they still said no.  I said fine, then I am not going either and I will go over to Amy's too.  NO room for her, no room for me either.  Do unto the least of these you have done unto me.  Josh was not happy with that and I knew he was going to be mad at me.  I was torn in two also.  After dinner Josh went into Zane's room to look at the fish and fell asleep. ~HUMF~

So after all the little kids went to bed me and Amy and Zane was up.  I found an old pic of me and my brother in front of a snow man we had made, it was huge.  So I was like let's go make one!  They thought I was crazy, it was almost 11:30 p.m.!   But after they actualy came out and started to make it with me, and adjusted to the cold, they was having fun.  They didn't know that you couldn't just roll it into a big ball, you also had to pack it as you went.  thus I had the biggest ball and it was the base.  But for first timers they didn't do too bad.  We was out of coal so I had to be creative with the face.  I took some ice cubs and put food coloring on them to make the eyes and the mouth, well a red tounge sticking out.  Zane and Amy put the hat and shaw and broom on him.  As you can see from the pics he is already starting to melt.  It is suposed to be up to 54 today.  Josh has named him Mr. Puddels. LOL

Thanksgiving morning I was still torn about where to go.  Josh asked me again to go with him.  I told him NO, I just couldn't sit down there and have fun and keep my mouth shut.  He said he didn't see what the big deal was all about and that I know how they are.  I said that is it, that is how they are and I am sick of it. And little Amy doesn't know Amy, never even met her, she is exstreamly shy. He told me well then he didn't WANT me to go if I was going to keep up my holier than thou adittude.  Fine and Fine.  So I spent my Thanksgiving with Amy and her family and Little Amy.  I had a good time too.  It was like being with my side of the family in Wis and how they are free and open with eachother and can be themselves.  They let thier kids run wild and not walk on egg shells around them and if I wanted to help in the kitchen they let me.  Amy's family thought it no big thing to have two extra ppl over, more the merrier. ohhhh and her mom's home made pumpkin pie... heaven!  It really did make me home sick.  The hardest part was watching the end of the parade and sesame street charters came on, made me think of my kids and I started to miss them.  I was right, Amy was very nervous and it took her awhile to warm up.  But her and McKalay, Amy's 8yrd, became like new best friends lol.

When Josh came to pick me up I was nervious that he was going to still be mad at me and all upset.  I was wondering what he told his family and if he stuck up for me or not.  Josh came in with my kids and we hung out with Amy's family for a short bit.  He seemed fine and very happy to see me. Amy's mom sent home one of her pies,mmmmm.

After we had gotten home and settled in when Josh and I was alone I asked him if he was still mad at me (I thought for sure I would be getting nothing but coal from him for Christmas) And he said No.  That I was right and he is the one who feels guilty, he is glad I did that, it was the right thing to do and he is the one who fell short.  WOW! Not what I had expected.  I did ask him what he told his parents, why I was not there.  He said the truth (but put nicely I think) that I went over to Amy's because little Amy didn't know her and was very shy, I was being supportive.

Sooo.. Alls well that ends well as they say.  Today Josh didn't have to work so we are making that turkey and have made list for the things to go with it.  We are waiting on the mail and hoping that his check is in it so we can go shopping.  There is about .99 cents in our checking account lol.

So I hope you all had a blessed Thanksgiving and remembered what it was all about. 

Matthew 25:31 When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:

32 And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth [his] sheep from the goats:

33 And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.

34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:

35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed [thee]? or thirsty, and gave [thee] drink?

38  When saw we thee a stranger, and took [thee] in? or naked, and clothed [thee]?

39  Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done [it] unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done [it] unto me.

41 Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:

42 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:

43 I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.

44 Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?

45 Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did [it] not to one of the least of these, ye did [it] not to me.

46 And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Scratch that... I have an even more upsetting thing to write about

I was just about to post this long entry about Me and Josh and the e-mail back and forth between me and Lori.  I had fwd it over to Josh and thus the comments he left in my last entry (under my screen name)  I was going to put my responce but some thing esle has come up that makes me aware HOW THANKFUL I am and at the moment those things just don't matter to me.


My friend Riely has this 14yrd girl staying with him for a few weeks.  Her family is to put it lightly a big mess. They asked if she could stay with him so she could go to school while they are fixing up a house they are moving into.  Riley lives close to the district where she would be going to school.  I have met Amy and I know she seems ruff and guff on the out side but all she needs is LOVE.  She has been so abuse and negected.  She has played with my kids and does wonderful with them, not that I would trust her just yet to be a babysitter but I would invite her to spend time with us.  I told Riley that last week, since the kids was out of school that she could come and stay a few days over by us and give him a break.  This girl reminds me toooooooo much of me when I was her age.. too much. (if you read my testimoney you will have a hint how that was) My heart realy does break for her.

Riley called me today asking if that offer was still open.  He was going over to his family's for Thanksgiving and didn't think it would be a good place to take Amy since his family says what ever is on thier minds and drinks and cusses and are loud.  I said it should be fine but I would have to ask Josh first and ofcourse ask his parents who we are going to for Thanksgiving.  Josh said it was fine with him but I needed to call his parents and ask them.  I call down there and his step mom answers.  I ask if she was all ready for Turkey Day and if she was SURE she didn't want me to bring anything other than the soda she had asked for last week. She insisted that no just bring alot of soda and differnt kinds. ( I am a bit put off, I brought a big batch of home made mac n cheese and green bean casarole last year that was just delishous) Then I ask if it would be ok if we brought an extra person with us.  I explained that it was a teenage girl that was staying with Riley and she realy didn't have a place to go. But I didn't go into all the background and all that. I didn't think it would be a big deal,I should of learned by now EVERYTHING is a big deal with his family (at least that side of it) She said she didn't know.. they are having 16 people over already. OH? She said she would talk to Josh's dad first and have him call me back.  This is how it always is.  They don't talk to me, they talk to Josh, and it always his dad, never Jeanne. I dont know why that is but it is.  So I wait, and during all that I am writing a long post about Josh and Me.  Then Tom calls me back and says he doesnt think it would be ok, they just dont think they will have the room.  I ask well besides us who else is coming.  The normal family is just 11 but aparently Jeanne's son is bringing his girlfriend and her three kids too. Oh I didn't know that, that is great.  And also one of Jeanne's freinds is coming too. Oh. So the answer is No then? Ok bye.  I could of had a fit but I just dont get into it with these ppl. They are all sweet to your face and hold thier bitterness in for later and then unload it on Josh, with out talking to me about it.   But I was very very upset.  Crying.  What the Heck is Thanksgiving all about.. how thankful they should be to have a family and this poor girl has no where, I mean NO where to go, her family is all drama and her grandmother calls her a B*tch and a Slut.. can you imagin! Your own grandmother?  I called Josh right away and at first I couldn't even speak because I was trying to choke back my tears.  I told him how upset I was and that your parents said there was no room.  He said he would call me back that he couldn't talk because he was in the middle of back rolling but he could tell how upset I was.  I don't know if he is going to call his dad and see what is going on or what.  And if he does make a big deal about it, I will just look like the bad guy who put him up to it.

My first reactin is I HATE MY IN LAWS! HOW SELFESH THEY ARE! But I don't hate them, I try and love them.  But really now I don't want to go down there, all I will be able to think while I am there eating all that food how there is a little girl who was rejected because like at Jesus' brith there was no room at the Inn.  I want to say, screw them. I will have my own dinner at my house and she can come to that one. But I have nooooooo food and no money to go and get all the trimings.  How long does a turkey take to defrost? At least 3 days I read. I wastalking to my sister in Milwaukee and venting it out to her and she said she would wire me the moeny if I wanted but I told her no way!  She is almost as bad off as we are.  I guess there is a thing going on between her and my mom.  Marcy is making her own Thanksgiving dinner this year and had invited her and her husband but John doesn't like the neighborhood they live in and wont go.  And Mom isn't making a big dinner. So Marcy feels a bit rejected and put off.  She thinks my mom does everything John asks and she doesn't care about her own family anymore. (not true) I told Marcy I DONT EVEN LIKE the neighborhood she lives in lol.  But I am sorry her and mom can't work something out.


AND SOOOOO ALL THE HOLIDAY FUN BEGINS!  Where is the meaning behind it all? Where is the Thankfulness and remembering what it is all about? It is not about the food or the dinner or even all the family around you.  But just being greatful for one single day out of the year, when it should be everyday, how BLESSED you are by the Lord God, Creater of Everything!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Stepping Out In Faith... From The Purpose Driven Life.com Devotional

Stepping Out
by John Fischer

In Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Harrison Ford goes after the Holy Grail, there is a final test where he has to take a step of faith to get to the Grail. He has to cross a chasm over what appears to be a bottomless pit in order to claim the cup so he can use it to heal his father (Sean Connery) from a fatal wound.  The riddle he and his father have figured out has convinced him he must take a step out into the abyss—has to put his full weight into it—and as he does, sure enough, a bridge appears out of nowhere and his step lands on something solid that was not visible until the instant his foot came down on it in mid-air.  All issues of faith are like this.  It’s not enough to believe, you have to put your whole weight into it.  And when you do, you risk falling, but you find something solid.

So there is a risk involved.  The risk is always around what will happen if God doesn’t do His part.  The Bible says that faith “is the evidence of things we cannot see.”  Hebrews 11:1  It’s the bridge that we step out onto even if we cannot see it.  Maybe that bridge is love for someone unlovely. Maybe it is the words we don’t think we have until we put open our mouths in front of the person we need to address.  Maybe it is courage to face a responsibility that seems impossible.  Maybe it is the power to overcome a bad habit.  But it’s there—the bridge of faith is there—even though we can’t see it.

Hebrews 11 goes on to mention eighteen individuals by name, plus all the prophets, the children of Israel, and the early martyrs who accomplished impossible things by faith.  All ordinary people—all with their own flaws, fears, and excuses to overcome.  And the conclusion for us is to realize that these people and their examples are a huge crowd of witnesses surrounding us and telling us to “strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress.  And let us run the race that God has set before us.” Hebrews 12:1  What a cheering section!

What is it in your life that you need to address by faith?  What is the invisible bridge God is asking you to cross?  I’m thinking about what’s on my plate.  With this kind of encouragement, I think we can step out.


Getting a J O B.. Stepping out knowing God is in control and has a perfect plan and he will guide me and put me just where he wants me to be.

My husband and I have gone back and forth over this issue for over a year.  I am very comfortable as a stay at home mother.  But my husband, I feel, has grown to resent it, and thinks I do nada to contribute to this family (even though he is the one who suggested I be a stay at home mom in the first place)  I have not worked in 4 years!!!  I have all these doubts and fears about going back into the work force.  It is very hard for me.  Especialy when I myself have not heard a clear nod from the Lord to do this.  But I have resloved myself to be a submissive wife, like the church is to Christ. My husband is a good man, who loves me and would never ask me to do anything that he wouldn't do himself.

The worst and hardest part for me is the job search its self! UGH!  It always has been.  I did do a resmue and have aplyed online to a few places and did that aol job search thing where you can have your resume posted for employers to see.  So far all I have gotten is e-mails for those scam places for at home work... you know the ones. Man some of these places I have aplyed at want every little detail about you, from the last 4 addresses you have lived at to your drivers licence # so they can do a back ground check and driving history!  Josh insists I get a factory job and even knows just the place.. I DONT WANT A FACTORY JOB!  I want a nice office enviorment to work in, clean and flexable.  I even considered aplying at a gas station down the way from me, but knowing Josh would have a fit about it I didn't bother.  I also am insecure about how I look and my smile.  Who wants to hire some one who can't smile at customers, or when they do there is a missing front tooth??

BUT, I can't just put my head in the sand anymore and hope this too shall pass.  It has become a daily conversation with Josh and there is no peace.  I try and sit and write my book, but he decides to look over my shoulder, and I cant.  I feel like he is mocking me and my story is no good.  Well, it probably isn't any good, but that is not the point.. he knows it hinders me and anoyies me and my dead line is fastly aproching.  For me to even write is a step of faith.. it has been so long since I have been in school and done any formal writting.  But I feel this is some thing I can do, yet he thinks it is a waste of my time and effort, and I am being unproductive in other things because of it.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Monday, November 22, 2004

This is what I LIVE for!!!

It has been well over a year since I put up my testimony web page and even longer since I started the prayer group (almost 2yrs)that I host.  God has blessed me so much for being obediant in those things and my reward is when I get e-mails like the following and am able to share the plan of salvation with others.  I thought I would share it with you all so you could pray for this women and also so you too can see where my Joy comes from.  I have taken off her name so it could still be private but God knows her name and he has his hand on her and is calling her to him!

I read all about your life and the ups and downs and how you found Jesus,I loved reading all about it. I am 44 and the last 3 years has been a nightmare for me. My son is on crystal meth,I have gotten really bad health wise and so depressed. I feel like life is over for me. I dont go see doctors because i do not like taking pills,i have such bad side effects. I dont know how or where to read the Bible or how to be saved. Can you tell me how to be saved and how to read the bible or which bok I am suppose to start reading first. I know everyone os different and I guess i am looking for a miracle so my health will get better then I can see a better tomorrow. Thank you

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  You are so sweet and so loved.  Don't give up!!  No matter how bad it seems know that God does love you and has a plan for you!   Thank you for reading my testimony page and sharing with me that it touched you.  You don't know what Joy it is for me that you asked that important question, "how to be saved" and where to start reading in the Bible.  It really is a special thing you asked, and for me to be apart of it all, to be the one in your future testimony is really mind blowing to me.  I know if some one had not been sent into my life and if I had not listened and been stirred I would be so lost right now and so sad with out Jesus.  

 I can not tell you what to believe for yourself, only point you in his direction and let him do the work in you.  I can tell you I know the Bible is the Word of God and it is all truth and the standard I live to and all the promises in it I stand on.  The best place to start is in the New Testament, The Gospel of John. It is one of the shorter books in the bible and shows who Jesus is and why he came here to earth and what he did on the cross. I also recommend reading Mathew's account as well.  It has more detail and it is one of my favorite Gospels.  There are several Bible translations out there, I started with the NIV one because it seemed easier to read but in time I grew to love the poetry of the KJV and NKJV.  You can find several Bibles web pages to read and not even have to buy one but of course I recommend you have one so that you can study and read even when you are off line.

100TruthsAboutJesus is a webpage with a list of scriptures of who Jesus is and He said to be.   Before you read just simple pray and ask God to open your eyes and heart to him, so that you may come to know the truth and come to believe in him.  If you have read or heard and sincerely believe he is The Way, The Truth and The Life, that he is the one and true son of God and no one can come to the Father but threw the Son and that he came to earth and lived a perfect life and then willingly went to the cross to die for your sins and that on the third day he was raised from the dead and had victory and you acknowledge you are a sinner, that you have fallen short of God's glory and are sorry and want to change and acknowledge he is the only way that is possible, you are on your way.  

Tell him, I believe with all my heart, I want you in my life and to become the Lord of my life and to dwell in me with your Holy Spirit and ask for him to forgive you, HE WILL! And then you must out loud tell others of your choice and that you are now one of his and you are saved from your sins. That is the first step in your walk with him on an exciting path. But it is only you who can make that choice, no one can say it for you or decide it for you.  I promise you, once you do that you will feel a change in you, you will feel different and you will HAVE to tell others of it, you will not be able to contain your joy.  

Those are the first steps in becoming born again, loosing your old nature and taking on his and becoming like a babe again and lettinghim grow you up in him.  He is the one who will make that change in you, lift that depression and heal you of all your hurts, not just the physical but also the spiritual.   I also recommend you find a church or fellowship that teaches only from the Bible and hold to it to be the Word Of God, not teaching just on "traditions or other scorces"  It is  necessary to grow that you are taught sound doctrine and fed the Word.  When you are ready you will want to be water baptized, it is to show the world and all those you know who you are becoming in Christ Jesus, that your old nature is dead and you are born again into the kingdom of God.  

I firmly stand on the promises that you can and will be healed of what ever afflicts you. He said it in his Word. Find that promise and make it your own and hold it and believe it. But first don't just seek his blessings but seek out who he is.  The gift he gives of salvation is so awesome and wonderful but knowing who he is and that he loves you so much that he would come in flesh so that he could take on your sins so you would not spend an eternity separated from him is even more mind blowing and wonderful to understand.   I hope this helped.  If you have more questions don't hesitate in asking me or IM me.  I would love to pray with you if you would like.   

Much Love,

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Sure! Now it works!

Finnally!!!! I dont know what is going on with the uploading thing for the FPT space!  I upload a song.. it dont work. Several times.. with differnt songs.  So on a lark I picked this one from the Cold Mountain CD.. not even the song I really want but it is pretty. I was org. going to put Neil Diamond in. awwwww.  Kentucky women in honor of my friends in KY *wink* or Solaimone or Shilo... I have a health collection of his songs cuz my mamma raised me on him : )

Oh well, enjoy.  I don't think I am going to monkey around with music for several days!

To Bee or not To BEA That has to be the question LOL

Why do things have to be all busy body when I am just playing a little game??? LOL I swear it has to be BEA not BEE.  I don't care what the DVD cover for the show says.. they are WRONG! LMBO  Read more over at Pat's on the subject.


A word about my name.. It is MaryBea.. All one name like MaryJoe, or like my daughter's AnnMarie.. I was called MaryBea or just Bea up until I found out it wasn't cool in Jr High and then insisted my family reform and call me Mary LOL  It took alongggggggg time to get that reform and alot of whinning.  Then somehow or another my husband/then boyfriend found out about it.. Probably when my mom was yelling at me as he was sneeking out my bedroom window. Oh I was in trouble then, he loved to tease me about it to no end... nice huh?!  I have to insist to ppl that the Bea is just Bea and not for Beatrice like my great grandmother.. Mom shortened it for me and she called me MaryBea because Mary is so popular so if there was ever another Mary in my class I could stand out. Awww gee thanks MOM. Well as my personal web page explains, my husband gave me the nic name Huny Bea.. just to annoy me.. and at first I fought the nic name tooth and nail, like I had with my family but he is unrelenting.. so over time it just stuck and I gave up.  I have grown to except it and now as you can see I love it because it is my screen name too.  If I ever learn to make blinkies you will see a whole slew of tags with that name.  I have grown to like it so much that I passed the name on to my second daughter LillyBea and yikes.. I am so bad but she is too young to care.. I call her just Bea sometimes.. Oh the flash backs!  I have grown to love the name so much that I get so peterved when some one spells it wrong.. That is why I HAD to say something on the Sax Six about it lol not like I was trying to stir the Pot.Now I am relizing, if I get so buged by the Bee instead of the Bea.. Then why do I collect all these bee tags and blinkies????? Cuz I can and that is my last say on it lol.

Oh ya the nics between me and my LillyBea.. we call eachother Mamma BEA and Baby BEA and Big Bea and Little Bea.. she will sit there for a full hour saying it back and forth with me if I let her lol.. I should post that some time by ABP.

Other news...

My mom called me last night and told me she can't come down this weekend and maybe next.

I talked to my sister and she telling me of her advaners of her daughter shoving a navy bean deep into right ear and having to take her to the ER to get it out.. awww

I am stuck.. I havnt written anything since my last update for my novel but I did write, what I think is an awesome chapter for the J~Land Novel.. it is rather long but worth the read from the feed back I have been getting. Check it out because I deleted it in here.

Last night I was in a mood.. especaily after the call from my mom.  I was so so looking forward to her visit.  There was not chocalate in the house.. and I was craving some badly! Does Josh take this as a sign to leave me alone and stop teasing me or messing with me???? NO he seems to think the best way to get me out of these moods is to rib on me more.. and that does the opposite and just (forgive me) PISSES ME OFF MORE! Last night in front of the kids I said the dreaded F~Word I told him to F~ OFF! I would of smacked him but it would of done no good.. he would smack me back.. lol that is the rule, don't dish if you can't take it back. So when he fell asleep on the couch, I left him there and didn't attempt to wake him back up. I figured he could wake himself up in the middle of the night and come to bed, I am not his Mommy.  He hates sleeping on the couch and was teasing me more this morning about it... needless to say PMS must be in full swing

Sat Six... I know been forever since I'v done this

1. Other than news, sports, editorials and weather, which specific features or columns of the newspaper do you always read? I can't remember the last time I read a newspaper.. get most of my news off the net or tv.  But I used to always read the funnies and the want ads.

2.  When do you normally do your Christmas shopping?  Have you started this year's, yet?  Do you intend to spend more, less or the same this year versus last year? What? It's time for that again? LOL Mostly the week of we get the major shopping down (Josh's vacation check comes about that time!) But this year we plan on spending as little as possible.. saving for those teeth.

3. You're having a true "TV Dinner," made by a classic character:  who would you rather have in the kitchen:
A) Aunt Bee from "The Andy Griffith Show"
B) Alice from "The Brady Bunch"
C) June from "Leave it to Beaver"
D) Edith from "All in the Family"
E) Claire from "The Cosby Show" OK PAT! I love you dude but it is Aunt BEA, not BEE.. heehee guess How I know? And yes it would have to be Aunt Bea for me.. just cuz of her name.

4. What topic are you most sick of hearing about in J-Land? The post election hangovers! oiy!

5. What company is annoying you most with junk mail? Hank Hannigraf.. the Bible answerman.. lol order one thing from them and you are on thier list for life!

Chantal:  What cheesy sitcom (from any era) most describes how you grew up? Your family, location, dynamics, details...
heeheee Married With Children, or second The Simpsons.  But presently.. Everybody Loves Raymond.

Not cuz my dad was a slacker or my mom was like those moms.. no that is the opposite, but cuz of the kids on those shows.  We was the worst!

Friday, November 19, 2004

From LifeNews.com

My question is if they are pulling that drug Viox (sp) because of the slight risks it has on ppl taking it of having a heart attack.. Why Is this one being allowed to stay and not given the same weight as other drugs!!!! Answer: Because abortion advocites are all for it and don't really care about women's health, just money.  You can put all the warnings and bells and whistles on it, but girls are still going to die because often teens don't pay attention to labels or warning signs, are nieve about thier bodies and if they are keeping it from thier parents how are the parents going to know that is why thier child is sick.. and sadly if not treated.. why they could die.

Dangerous RU 486 Abortion Drug Gets Safety Warnings After Teen's Death
Washington, DC (LifeNews.com) --
New warnings will be placed on packages containing the dangerous abortion drug RU 486 following the death of a California teenager last year. The new warning labels required by the FDA will highlight how infections can bring about the death of a woman using the abortion drug. Marketed as Mifeprex, the drug already carried the Food and Drug Administration's highest level black box warning -- which warns consumers that it is especially dangerous. The black box warning will expand and include new information on dangers that could cost women's lives, such as information on life-threatening complications like severe bacterial infections that led to the September 2003 death of Holly Patterson. The new warning labels also discuss the extensive bleeding that can occur following a chemical abortion, as can happen with any abortion. The labels warn that serious infection can result without the usual telltale signs like fever or tenderness. Following approval by the Clinton administration in 2000, the FDA has received numerous reports of complications resulting from the use of the abortion drug. "FDA and (drugmaker) Danco Laboratories have received reports of serious bacterial infection, bleeding, ectopic pregnancies that have ruptured, and death, including another death from sepsis (blood infection) that was recently reported to FDA," the agency said in a statement. A representative of Concerned Women for America blasted the decision, saying the warning labels don't make the drug safer and that the agency should prevent abortion businesses from selling the dangerous drug. "It is reported that another woman has died after taking the abortion drug RU-486, and the FDA's response is to change the drug's label," Wendy Wright, the group's senior policy director, said in a statement. "This is a dangerous drug that deserves to be pulled off the market immediately." Read the complete story.

FDA Reveals Third U.S. Woman Died From RU 486 Abortion Drug
Washington, DC (LifeNews.com) -- In an announcement on Monday that the dangerous RU 486 abortion drug would be accompanied by expanded warning labels noting additional risks and dangers, including death, FDA officials revealed another woman has died from taking the abortion pill. In September 2003, California teenager Holly Patterson died from a severe infection brought on by the abortion drug. While women have died in Canada, Sweden and elsewhere, Patterson's death was thought to be the only the second fatality so far from the use of the abortion drug in the United States. Another woman, Brenda Vise, died in 2001 after using the abortion drug. Danco Laboratories, the maker of RU 486 says the abortion drug should not be taken by women with ectopic pregnancies, but Vise's ectopic pregnancy was not diagnosed before she used the drug. However, in an FDA report released Monday, officials confirmed a third U.S. woman died as aresult of the Mifeprex abortion pill. No details about the woman's death were given. The news is upsetting for pro-life groups who say the drug should be taken off the market while its safety is reviewed. "RU-486 doesn't need a better label, it needs to be shelved," said Cathy Cleaver Ruse, a representative of the pro-life office of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. "Young women depend upon the safety of FDA-approved drugs. How many have to die before this killer drug is taken off the market?" "RU-486 was the new 'magic pill' to make babies disappear, and young women are now its latest victims," Ruse said. "RU-486 must be stopped." Read the complete story.

Father of Teen Who Died From Abortion Drug: New FDA Warning Not Enough
Read the complete story.

New songs, My List, Other tid bits

Today's song is by Randy Travis.  Yess I know "Country?" LOL If you would have told me six years ago I would be into any country music, I would have laughed you out of my house.  I used to despise it, loth it, throw up at the thought of it. LOL Whyyyyy??? I don't know, probably goes back to my days spent in the back woods of Wis. and I was trying so hard to keep my big city girl attitude while surrounded by a bunch of yokels. LOL But over the years I have soften.  I love Randy Travis's Gospel music and I was so excited the one time I got to go and see him live for free at one of the local bigger churches.  Looking threw the Christmas adds One Way Book Stores sent out I see he has a new one out: Passing Through, and a voice for a new kids cartoon series called, On The Farm with Farmer Bob.  So you know that is on my list lol.

Speaking of Christmas ... why do I even bother keeping or starting a list for myself?  I don't ever have a formal list but all threw the year when I see something I want but know I cannot get right then and there I say to myself, Christmas is coming, it is on the list. lol My form of impulse control. Yet I know I will be blessed to get even one thing that I want.  I have come to really dislike the whole commercialization of The birth of Jesus, especially since there is so much I would like to do for my kids and don't have the money to do it.  But my kids are pretty good about the whole thing, they know it is not about the toys or the gifts and yes they have a list but they will not be devastated if they don't get each and everything on it.  Josh and I have resigned ourselves to getting them just one thing, all the rest will have to come from other family.  But Just for fun here is my list lol

1. Music: Casting Crowns. Randy Travis. Audio Adrenaline. NewsBoys. Toby Keith.

2. Movies: Jem on DVD season 1,2 and 3!!  The Passion of the Christ.

3. Computer stuff: DVD drive and writer.  More memory (since it is always saying my temporary memory is low) Since I am just dreaming ... LAP TOP with wireless connection to the net. A year of AOL paid for. PC Study Bible version 4. Photo Shop Pro and detailed instructions on how to make my own blinkies.

4. books: Stephen King non fiction: On Writing

5. Cloths that fit right and new shoes but especially a new bra.

6. awww a trip to the spa!

7. Wine: Augusta's Port Wine... (I will take that as a B-day gift too lol)

8. New sheets and bed spread for my room and the paint to match for my walls.

9. Candles and holders.

10. A weekend get away with Just ME AND JOSH, no kids!

11. My teeth paid for and the bill it is going to take to get it all done.

There you have it MOM! lol she is always asking me for a list.  I still have to make the kids write one out.  Speaking of my mother.  She is coming down this weekend for an early Thanksgiving Dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am sooooo happy about it! I miss her so much. But she said I have to take the delivery of her treadmill for her to come lol she can't use it anymore and she wants to get rid of it. It is on wheels and folds up for space saving.  Josh doesn't want it lol.  I can only think of one spot upstairs for it, the living room. If I put it down in the basement I will never use it and it is too big for my small bedroom.

More odds and ends:

Josh had a rain day yesterday.  You know what that meant lol. And he is less than happy with the new company he is working for.  Because the boss man doesn't seem to like his work or the speed he does projects. He made the comment to Josh yesterday when he told him they still had a day left on a certain project, If he was any slower he would have to fire him. I know that tears at Josh and it is not true.  Thankfully Josh did work today, maybe he will have a better one today.

I have not done any writing on my book for almost 2 days! Awwwk!  I am at a part where I think she is going to see more demons but also the love thing is blossoming between her and Phil. I am getting nervous if I will be able to get in everything that needs to be in there. It is not like I couldn't have written some these last two days, but I think I got a bit burned out and had to take a break.

Wednesday the kids got assigned their parts for the Christmas Pageant we are having with the other church.  AnnMarie is going to be Mary, she is so excited.  I told her she had to speak up if she wanted it, several girls wanted that part you know. lol And Zane is going to be a Bailiff for the court room drama part. It is really two plays connected into one.  The first one is with the little kids and the tots, the story of the crippled little lamb and the second one is about the shepherds, a funny skit.  The shepherds get arrested because of their excitement, so they have to go to court the next day and explain themselves.  I will try and be as active in helping get this production underway as the ladies who are running the show will let me.

Did I tell you all that my son is going to be in the school's spelling Bee???!! He is going to be representing his class.  He came in first place for his class! MAN! You should see this list he brought home.  I think he can do the easily and intermittent ones good, but the advanced I think He needs to work on. I will be making sure he puts some time aside to study for it and look up the bigger words in the many catigories they have.  If he wins the school he goes on to the City one and then to state lol He obviously dosn't get that from me.. I am the worst when it comes to spelling.

 So he has that on his plate on top of learning guitar, his clubs and now the church play.  Tracy came over last night for a lesion, I made her have dinner with us.  It was so nice.  I told her we could make that a weekly thing if she would like.  Also Monday if no one but her and I are going to be at church for the prayer meeting we can have dinner at my house again and pray at my house.  Some time I will have to go into more detail about his sweet lady.

And last but not least.. I have to make time today and write the open spot for the J~Land novel.  I am excited about it and begged for the open spot. I have it in my head, promise Lori. LOL

OH ya I forgot to say.. ugh Lice had reared it's ugly head again. Lilly some and I did her hair Tue.  I checked the rest of the kids and they was clean, Annie even went down to the nurse to get checked.  The nurse called me and said she was clean but had what they call alot of head debri.. from dry scalp.  She offered some suggestions on what to get for her. I got her some dandruf shampoo and Scalpicin drops for the really bad areas.  I washed and washed linens.  I have been on guard since the last break out.  Then last night I was going threw Annie's hair after her shower and found one or two. gurrrr.  I made Josh do my hair because I have the itch of paranoia.  So he spent two hours on my hair and swears he found nothing... I wonder if he knows what he is looking for lol.. I showed him what they looked like.  Well I have prayed protection over each of my children's head for the rest of the year and for our home.  I am thinking of talking my mom into doing my hair this weekend. So who knows by Monday I will have that pic of my shorter hair for you all and maybe a new color.  I need to invest in those oils Lori told me about to make a shampoo that keeps the bugs away.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Good Girl

I just deleted the post I had written all out.  Good Girl!  It is not wise to vent everything, and some may get the wrong idea, and if ppl from that church you had written about ever happen to read it, think of the hurt that could cause. Good Girl.. delet delet delet.. LOL

Non theless.. I am still feeling a bit put off.. a bit rejected.. and WHAT HAPPEN TO MY CHURCH LOGO! WHAT HAPPEN TO A YEAR TO ADJUST TO THIS CHANGE, THIS MELTING OF TWO CHURCHES? What happen to comprimise? Are we giving away all just to apease them?

What happen?? Being out of the loop is what happen... Miss a Wednesday here and there and see!

Get over it girl..  Don't get in the way.. keep your head down.. This too shall pass.. He has a plan...

We do not live by feelings but by faith..


My Word Count!

Word Count So Far
36247 / 50000 words


Whaaaaaaaahoooooooo LOOK AT THAT BABY!!!

More than half way there!

Aww but I only have 13 days, 12 hours, and 13 minutes left to get to the conclustion of this writting marathon!



Music is Life, Book writting, and I WILL BUY YOU A BIKE BABY

I have figured out that music takes up boco FPT space! lol I have tried to get a specific song but apparently it is too big for any of my screen names lol. So I had to try a differnt song. I love this current one. DRAW ME CLOSE TO YOU. It is one we sing often at church, this version is done a bit slower than how we sing it but still very moving.

Why do I embed the songs when I know there is a way to just make a link to click?? Lazy plus I think this way is cool too. Music plays a big part in my walk with the Lord. I know that it played a big, big part in my coming to him and my heart being stirred. I guess I honestly think there are some who will not listen if there is just the link to it, so I have to sneak it in on them. LOL I have longed for this whole last year to be able to share the songs that speak to my soul with my friends here, the songs that bring me to tears during worship.  My church's website has our worship music posted on it but they have not updated it in a very long time, plus they are not professional but they are good.

Think of it this way, if you was at my house or driving in my car with me, this is what would likely be playing on my radio. I for sure think music feeds your soul and what you listen to will effluence your moods and thoughts. Junk in, Junk out, or Praise in, Praise out.  So there, you have been warned!

And like my disclaimer says, you can always link to an entry if you don't want to hear the song anymore. But at least hear it once before you do that, please, for me lol.

Speaking of music, I hope everyone enjoyed "Whiter Shade of Pale" in that last entry, not only did it match to what Stan was listening to when they entered the house, it is also one of my dad's records that I have and used to listen to over and over.  LOL My whole book is going to have a soundtrack I think.

I so much enjoy your guys feed back on the excerpts I publish in here. Lord knows I am not getting any from home.  I was a bit concerned about the last one, if it was descriptive enough. If you could actually picture the interior of the house and its condition, get a feel for the lay out.  I can write emotion easy but when it comes to describing technical things I feel like I lack.  I am half tempted to put all of it up here, just to hear what ppl will say about it, but no I want to tease and hopefully if ever I sell it, my loyal friends here will buy it LOL AS IF.

Iwas thinking about it last night before we went to bed and laughed.  Josh asked "What?" I told him "oh nothing I am just silly". :About what" he asked.  I said "I was thinking about what I would actually buy with the money I would make if I ever did get the thing sold and published". I kinda had that grin that said it was something for him and he asked what, "a truck".  NOOOOO I said.  "The bike he has been dreaming and drooling over, the one where I would ride on the back with him". He said "ya right". 

I think either I gave my husband the wrong impression about NaNoWriMo or I just didn't describe it good.  He asked if the winners get published, if it was a contest. I said "well, no we have to do that work in trying to get it published, and yes it is a contest.  A contest with our selves, to see if we can really write a novel in 30 days".  Oh he thinks this is a waste of time and that I am just looking for ways to skirt responsibilities around here. HA I don't have to look, the opportunities just lay themselves out there easy.  Would I have actually written a book or attempted to if I had not found out about that site? No probably not, but writing has always been something I love and get excited about.  I wish he could understand, that I don't do these things to piss him off.  I have been trying more!  I made up a resume and am going to start hitting the pavement for a job, I have been better about the house work and the laundry, baby steps but at least the dishes are getting done everyday now and laundry is getting folded, and dinner is on by 5 or so.  I will not be as into the book writing after November, if I can just put up with his complaining a bit longer, I am half way there.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Is it descriptive enough? can you get a feel for the house?

*Link to this entry and click to hear song for this part of the chapter*  

Chapter 10


Hannah picked up off the car’s floor the plastic bag with the candy and drinks she had purchased and opened her car door and got out. She shivered as the night air hit her.  Phil got out and slammed the driver side door shut. He too felt the chill in the air. He pulled his black and grey checkered flannel closer and started for the door with Hannah close behind.


Hannah followed Phil like a shadow as they stepped up onto the dark porch that had two wicker chairs and a table set out. Hannah noted that there was an ashtray and a dirty glass on the wicker table.  As they reach the door they could hear music coming from the house.  Phil turned the knob and opened the door to a crack and then looked over to Hannah as he put his hand out for her to take. With her free hand she took his and followed him into the house.


Hannah could smell the now familiar herbal scent of marijuana as soon as she walked into the entrance way littered with shoes. Phil stepped over the shoes and pulled Hannah along with him around a corner that led to a short dimly lit hall way. At the end of the hall was another corner that glowed with a red light.


“Stan, we’re here.” Phil yelled over the Procol Harlum lyrics playing from down the hall.


Hannah noticed a few holes in the walls and also that there was no pictures or mirrors hanging, no decorations at all. On the gray rug that lined the hall she over stepped a dirty sock and a dead leaf here and there.<o:p></o:p>


“Come on in” Stan’s voice carried from the room around the corner.


Phil still had Hannah’s hand as they came to the corner that opened up to a small living room and an adjacent kitchen separated by a half wall. The living room was very messy and unkempt with old soda cans on the coffee table and stacks of papers and the gray rug looked as if it had not been vacuumed in God knows how long and had various stains in the major traffic areas. 


Stan was sitting on a faded blue love seat couch with his feet up on the cluttered coffee table.  Across the room was a big ’28 inch colored TV. on a chestnut stained wood stand that had doors open up at the bottom littered with a game system and games and videos.  On top of the TV was just one dusty picture of a green eyed, red head girl sitting in a grassy area. She had on a big toothy grin and was wearing a tie died shirt and a white flowing skirt. Her expression looked as if she was just laughing at the world’s funniest joke and it had been captured forever in time by this picture. Hannah had recognized the girl in the picture from one she had seen at the coffee house. On the right side to the TV on the far wall was a book self with a few books and a large collection of records.  And on the left side of the TV was another small stand with an old record player that was spinning the record Stan was currently listening to. “A Whiter Shade Of Pale” was floating out of the speakers that was hanging on the wall positioned on both sides of the small love seat. In a corner was a standing halogen lamp with a red light bulb in it, drenching the small room in red light, giving it a cool mellow feel.


Phil led Hannah over to beat up brown recliner by the curtain less dirty window that over looked a small yard with tall wood fencing. Phil sat down and gently pulled Hannah down to sit on his lap.  Hannah sat lightly down and then set the plastic gas station bag down next to her feet. She surveyed the room and the connecting kitchen with a polite smile. Her first thought was to get up and start picking up the trash on the coffee table and take it to the almost over flowing garbage can in the kitchen and then do the tall stack of dirty dishes pilled up in the kitchen sink and half wall and maybe mop the filthy tile floor of the kitchen but she held it back.  She knows it would seem rude but the house is a mess, a stark contrition to her home that her mother kept immaculate. Instead she leaned back on Phil’s chest and let him put his arms around her.


“Took you guys long enough” Stan said mildly as he was relaxing on the love seat.


“We made a pit stop for some goodies” Phil answered him and then added, “What where you doing at the gas station dude! I know you stopped there.  The clerk ratted you out to Hannah.”


Hannah winced at Phil’s angry tone and wish she had not mentioned to him what the attendance had told her.


“Aw man chill. I just did you a favor and gassed up the baby. Even watched my speed so the cops wouldn’t bust me.  Thanks for your confidante in me son” Stan snapped at him.


Phil let out an angry sigh into Hannah’s ear that gave her goose bumps and then she felt him calm down as he said, “Sorry but you do not have the best of records. But thanks for thinking of me and putting gas in her.”


“Sweet ride.  Glad you let me drive her home.  But too flashy and too much attention.  I don’t think it’s the car for you... Well maybe for a...” Stan trailed off what he was saying so he wouldn’t say “a big star like you”.  He didn’t want to be the one to bring the subject up with Hannah around.  And he knows Phil craves to be treated normal now and then and he wants to be a safe place for him when he needs a retreat.


There was a relaxing pause in the conversation as they listened to the record playing it’s self out.  When the recorded stopped spinning and came to its conclusion Stan reluctantly got up out of his seat and went over to the record player and took the record off the deck and put it carefully back into its jacket with its black and white drawing of a girl with flowing hair.


“Haven’t you upgraded yet to CD dude?” Phil asked but knew the answer.


“Na.  Nothing like vinyl.  CDs just don’t sound the same.  I do have one in my room for the newer music but I rather listen to my old records.” Stan stated.


Phil smiled because he knew his uncle meant to say when he listened to his music but was glad he refrained from saying it. “Well at least put something a bit more uplifting than that last one. Jefferson Airplane would be cool.”


“Why don’t you come over here and look for it yourself then? I am going to spark one up and then go look for that box I promised Hannah I need to go to bed soon and kick you guys out.” Stan said as he put the record on the shelf with the others and went over to the couch.

Monday, November 15, 2004

chapter 9 part2

Remember how I scoffed at the last e-mail from Chris and him talking about some wall of week 2? UGH Well he was right and I did hit it but I tried and tried to climb it but some one was always hold me down like a weight around my anckles.. they shall remain nameless.  I wish I had supporters cheering me on at the finish line like this update reminds us to think of.  My satisfaction will come from doing it and going HA showed you sucker! LOL   My story just keeps going and going, like I can not get it out and speed up to where I want and need to be.  I did not plan for the whole book to revolve around ONE NIGHT but that is all that has been written on thus far.  I was really into the story and feeding the naugty, flesh, but I am so ready to move on and get to the Glory parts, so I don't feel so ugly myself but all in time.  What was I thinking when I started this endevor? lol


Hannah starts to rush now back to her car and quickly opens her passenger car door.  She gets in and sits down quickly and puts the bag on the floor. She looks over to Phil still on the phone and lets out a frustrated gasp.


She reaches over and takes the phone out of his hands and flips it down holding it away from him.  Phil looks over at her stunned. “HEY! Give it back”.


“Nope.  Enough of that phone tonight.  If we are goingto hang out I want your full attention.  NO more interruptions.” She tells him as she puts the phone in her pocket.


Phil gives her a playful look and says “You know I will go in there for it, don’t you?  So unless you want my hands down your pants you better hand it over”


Hannah heart flutters with the mental image of Phil’s hands down her jeans. “Really?! Well, maybe you won’t get that something pink and juicy I have for you then.” She said referring to the conversation they had before she ran into the gas station.


Phil raises his eye brow just a bit and gives her a determined look. “We can talk about that in a moment but for real give me my phone back.  I will turn it off if you are that concerned about it.”


Hannah rolls her eyes and gives a sigh, “I was just playing but yea that would be nice if you turned it off.  It is a pet peeve of mine.” She said as she handed him his phone.


“Thank you.” He said as he turned it off and shoved it in his pants pocket.


“We better get going and check on Stan.  The clerk said something about a hippie in a viper stopping in just before us” Hannah told him.


Phil gives Hannah a double take and gasps “Noo he didn’t! Oh man. Not cool.” Phil turns on the car and backs out of the parking spot and into the trafficless road and speeds up to get over to Stan’s.  Hanna was holding on to the arm of her seat as Phil sped out and raced down the deserted road.


“Watch your speed.  There is one of those speed traps up ahead and it is getting close to the end of the month.  You know how that’s when cops go ticket crazy.” Hannah said with a warning but Phil paid no attention.  He was pissed at Stan for not going right home and wants to make sure he actual made it to his house.


Hannah gazed out her window into the night and kept an eye out for police cars. She hoped none was out because Phil did not take her advice about slowing down. No matter how much she tries to deny it, she has paranoia big time from the little bit of smoke she had done.  She fears that if a cop would pull them over they will just know she has been upto no good tonight and will cart her off to jail and that would be a disaster. She plays out the whole scenario in her head thinking “what would I do? Who would I call? My parents would kill me twice.”


Hannah is relieved as Phil slows down and parks in front of a small house with an attached garage and a modest front yard littered with fallen leaves. Phil also feels relief off his mind seeing his rented red viper parked in the driveway.


“This is the place.” Phil says as he takes the keys out of the ignition.


“Why are you not staying here? Didn’t I hear him say you had a room at a hotel?” Hannah asked.


Phil snorts a laugh and answers, “Oh you will see why.  Stan is a slob, especially since Aunt Callie isn’t here anymore to pick up after his butt.” Phil then looks down and has an upset expression. It does hurt to realize over and over that his aunt who was more like a mother to him is dead and he will never see her again.


Hannah notes the expression on Phi and sees the pain in his beautiful eyes. She hesitates but decides to go ahead and sensitively asks, “Where is she? Callie?” They have talked about her here and there tonight but never did come out and say if she had left Stan or what the story was.  Her curiosity was killing her.


Phil gives a long painful sigh. He answers as he his looking down at the dash board of the little car, “Who knows? Where ever people go after they die.”


Hannah feels sad for him and for Stan as she connects now the sad look Stan would get when ever he mentioned her name. “Oh. I am sorry. I did not know.”


Phil looks at her with sad eyes but no tears and explains, “Yes, it will be a year in November.  Cancer.”


Hannah puts her hand on his as a sign of understanding and says, “I am sorry. It must still be real raw. My grandfather died of lung cancer so I know how that sucks.”


Phil looks down at her hands touching his and shakes his head, “ No, you don’t.  She was like my mother.  You are lucky to still have yours. And Uncle Stan is so tore up over it all still.  I am amazed he got up the energy to finally open the coffee house. But that’s good. It will help him I think. But dang! He has made it like a shrine to her and the time they had together, all the stuff fromthe sixties, their happiest times together.”


“It’s good you are here with him then.” Hannah said softly and holding back from hugging him. 


There is thick silence in the car. Hannah squeezes Phil’s hand lovingly as he looks up to the house with no porch light on.  Hannah tries to think of something to say that will sooth him and maybe break the mood but her mind is a blank. She has never been good with helping people deal with loss.  It was not her gifting but it was something her own mother was wonderful with.  Hannah’s mother, Ella, is always the go to person at church when ever there is a death and some one needs condolence. She always knows just the right thing to say to make people feel better and help with their grief. She always make sure to give extra attention to the family even after months had passed of a loved one moving on, when others would forget and not be as sensitive. Hannah wishes she could call her mother and ask for advice now but knows she can’t. She had lied about where and who she was with and it would take a lot of explaining for her to give her mom the full idea of the situation.


Finally Phil squeezed Hannah’s hand back and looked over at her, “Let’s get going.  I promised you a fun time tonight so let’s get to it.”