Wednesday already? It has almost been a week since my Aunt's funeral. I am glad I was able to go. The time alone driving for one was good. I was able to pop in the CD player old messages from church and listen on the 5 hour drive to Indiana. And I didn't get lost!!
The funeral was sad but it was good to see family I had not seen in a while. Maybe that is the saddest part, family doesn't get together like that often enough. Sure we always say we will make more of an effort but the months and years go by and next thing you know it's another funeral.
I am sure my Aunt would have been very pleased by her service. She had a Van Morrison CD playing during the wake and the whole room was full of flowers. The eulogies were not overly religious and focused on her and her many fine accomplishments in her life. She was a hippy of sorts but settled into a good career as a nurse and later a teacher. She also worked with Aids patients in a time when it was not fashionable to do so. She had many colorful friends with interesting stories.
I couldn't say much. I tried to only focus on the good about my Aunt. Like how when I was young she gave me a sea shell collection for Christmas and I still to this very day have a shell box from it that I put little keepsakes in (not much from my childhood survived us moving around so much) and how I loved to brag that I had an Aunt who taught at a Big University. Or how you just had to love that dramatic streak in her. I kept to myself what was really going threw my mind.. like how I never got to tell her just what an impact that abortion she helped arrange was on my life or how when I was pregnant with Zane only two years later she in a drunken comment suggested a white male baby on the black market would go fast.
That night I did have a dream/nightmare of a chubby blue eyed baby and it is ironic I woke up to my period.
I don't know what hereternal destination is. Very little was said about her faith. And I like to think I have myself forgiven her and let go of any of the hurt she took part in my life, but sometimes I do battle feelings, feelings that I will now never be able to share with her. I will try and forget the worst of her and only remember the best of her.
I do know she lived her life to the fullest and she will be dearly missed by her family and friends and coworkers. Because of her I will try and enjoy more sunsets. I pray for my cousins because I know they are devastated by her passing and my Uncle who just seems so lost without her.
A neat thing I got to see was where Great Grandma Bea's ashes finally found a resting place. We were up late talking with my Mom and my Uncle and it was mentioned that my Aunt had buried her in the pet cemetery out back. Ofcourse I just had to see where that was. It was almost midnight and we were walking to a pet cemetery in the big wooded back yard. It was such a Stephen King moment lol. (my Mom and Aunt both love Stephen King) The story goes my Grandma Bea and my Grandma (the daughter in law) did not like each other very much, Grandma Bea was pretty mean from the sounds of it and Grandpa was the only one who would take care of her in her old age. When she died she wanted her ashes scattered over an ocean but Grandpa could not afford to make a trip and it was against the law to do it at the lake they lived off of. So for years and years Grandma had her ashes in the food pantry and it was the long running joke of the family.. Grandma in the end got the best of Grandma Bea. I guess my Aunt after a while became interested in Grandma Bea and thought of her as something of an early feminist who held court in high society (at the expense of her children according to some). So my Aunt decided that Grandma Bea deserved a better place than in Grandma's pantry. Her pet cemetery! LOL
I vaguely remember Grandma Bea. She is important to me in a way because I bear her name and carry it on. I do remember her pink ceramic candy dish. And that we were there for the funeral but us children stayed with a baby sitter durring because it was disrespectful for children to be at a funeral. I still kinda feel that way too and get somewhat miffed when ppl bring little kids to funerals (but I do understand everyone does not feel that way)
Times like these makes me wonder about my own legacy and what will be said of me when and if my time should come. I may not have a big career, or lots of money or important people as friends but I hope what will be said of me is that I was full of Love. The Love Of Christ. I should hope that the footprints I leave in others lives is for the better and not the worst.
I found a quote to that I want to start living by. Not sure who it is from but it was in The Laugh and Lift daily e-mail I receive.
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.