Thursday, June 5, 2008

Why Do I Sabotage Myself?? & Thankful Thursday


After a week off I started back to work Monday.  My new starting time is 6 a.m. and for anyone who knows me, knows I hate mornings or at least getting up at 5. I took the client knowing how I suck at mornings because I thought I could train myself to get up earlier and mainly because I need to work.  I was doing pretty well going to bed early and for Monday to Wed I was at work with time to spare.  But this morning I woke up at 6:30 and was seriously late.  With out going into the specifics of my client and family.. lets just say ppl depend on me being there on time, no excuse.  I rushed to get dressed and the kids up and barreled to work with out calling in to let them know I was on the way and arriving just at 7.  Too late, way too late and I knew that.  I feel soooo bad, like a big fat failure because I screwed up other people's work day.. and when you mess with other ppl's money.. they aren't happy about it.  I have no good excuse and all the apologizing in the world will not change that I messed up.  I was sent home and told to come tomorrow, the family already called into their work and hopefully can make up work Friday (Fridays are theirs and mine day off).  My initial instinct is to tell my boss to just find some one else who is better, more responsible.. shoot they may just request someone else anyway and would be in all rights of doing so.  But I know I should stick it out, prove myself that I am better than that and can be relied on.  We will see how tomorrow goes.  But I see the pattern.. I see that I sabotage myself with jobs.. not on purpose of course but maybe subconsciously.  Either way I feel like crap today and wish I could just hide but I do have another person to go to today at 11.  So I am just killing time.  I liked the little graphic I put in this post cuz it was cute when I saw it.. but really I don't like being imperfect lol and that is part of my problem.

But over the last few days I have been doing some thinking and praying.  I realize I need to be more grateful for what I do have and where I am at in life.  I seem to be such a complainer lately and whiney.  I am so blessed and I take my many blessings for granted too much.  Just the simple act of walking or being independent or having air conditioning when its almost 90 out is more then some people have.  I should be content.. I have food and water and shelter, I have good health so far and my children are wonderful (lol according to everyone I know).  And with the economy as it is I am grateful that I DO have a job, as small as it is and its a job where (when I am on the ball) I can be a blessing to others.


1 comment:

  1. Mary trying to get caught up in your entries. I'm praying for you with the job. I know it stinks when you mess up, but you have a new day and Praise GOD can start over.

    God Bless