Wednesday, April 29, 2009

When will it be ok again?

I don't know where to start... been almost 3 months since I have really blogged, confided and vented to what used to be my favorite thing to do for years... and now I have almost no desire to write, be online, or even look at my e-mail.

I knew things would be getting harder, a fire being turned up for our benefit, I just was not ready to face it and really grow. I am happy, no, not happy but content with just getting by, a nice comfortable spot to dig in, hunker down and wait. God must be laughing right?

One disappointment after another, feels like Satan is working OVER TIME on me and my family. But I don't want to give him all the credit either.. I am human after all and still have problems with this old dead flesh and not making the right choices. If everything is a test.. then I must be failing miserably. How far does God's Grace really go?

And I know I am not alone in feeling this way or going threw hard times. Forgive me for not keeping up and being in my own drama filled world.. I know that is not how it is supposed to be.

I woke up this morning to my van missing out of my drive way and nasty dark skid marks trailing from where it had been. Stolen?.. Nope.. REPO, with my purse and work papers still in the vehicle. I had to miss a day of work to figure out who, what, when and where and how to get my belongings back and what it is going to take to get our van back. Josh is out of town working (thankful he is working but so much for that no more working out of town promise) and tried to do what he can from where he is. I had figure out how to pay $50 to not even get to see my van but to have my things handed to me in a trash bag. So humiliating! After all is said and done it's going to be $2,000 to get my main mode of transportation back. We are almost half way threw the loan and it will be so ridiculous to let it go now. We are going to try everything we can to get it together by Friday but it may be longer.. if we can arrange for it not to be taken to auction. I have to have a car to drive for work.. or I am no good at that job.. I drive all over the county from client to client.

How many new lows can we face.. I dare not ask because I am afraid to find out the answer.

Along with all that I have to cancel my trip home to see my sister and mother next weekend for Mother's Day and the baby shower. You don't even know how excited I was to see them.. its been 2years since I have seen my family and I had already canceled going on ladies retreat last month with church because of issues going on at home with me and my husband. (am not even going to go into all that here and now.. gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

But wait.. there's more!! My mother in law is moving in with us. She needed a place to "camp out for awhile" and we are excited to have her but I thought I was going to have more time to set up and get ready for her. Originally we had talked about the weekend after Mother's Day.. but now it's moved up to Mother's Day weekend. I have little over a week to get soooooooooooo much done! And limited funds, if any to get by on.

Ok.. so that is the negatives, surely I can find positives to help lift me up some:

Times like theses you find out who your real friends are.
I love my Mother In Law and know I can learn alot from her (she is an awesome cook, she can sew, she loves scrapbooking and is very crafty,it's spring and she loves to garden and Josh still snaps to attention when she says his full name).
An extra hand around the house will be helpful.
I still have a job even if my schedule keeps fluctuating.
Josh is working and can be home on the weekends.
Maybe I can go visit my family instead when my sister's baby is born.
I'm still in a size 10 and really am just 10 pounds away from being at my H.S. weight (although that is not always a positive.. I get bad attention cuz I look so good lol and my hubby has become insanely jealous and that fuels other issues. I am teasing that I am going to gain the weight back and maybe that will make things better)

So when will it be ok again? I don't know. I know I feel alot better that I have vented here and got a few Me Time minuets doing it. I miss you blog and blog friends!! Things being ok is a relative state of mind maybe.. I really still want to believe with God all things are possible and I am still after all a princes because I am the daughter to the King Of Kings.. Daddy!!! Help!!!


  1. Glad to see you posting even if it is about crisis that you would rather was not happening, but it is, and we want to be able to help if we can. I was just thinking today about how I hope I will be able to step in at times to help tend my grandson Ethan when his parents are both working. Two of my sons and my sister and my nephew all got their cars impounded and it cost them bucks to get fixed what needed to be done (reason they were impounded) fines paid, etc, as they are really cracking down to collect money for the state agencies, so there is little slack given. I hope you can get your van back. I wanted to tell you that I made a new friend while you were away , a Christian woman named Amrita from India, who writes an impressive blog on my blog list Yesu Gardens. I started sending her books. Anyway, you might check her out if you have time, but I have thought about you and checked to see if you had posted a number of times. Sometimes it is not possible to post as often if you have a job, kids, financial worries, and other. It is understandable, but just wanted to give you a warm hello and I was glad to catch up, even if some news was sad for you. I would rather know how you are doing from time to time than not know. Gerry

  2. Mary, I'mglad I stopped by, eventhough I can't help you much. Seems like hard times are hitting every Christian I know. I still believe that the Lord is trying to draw us closer and trusting Him more. It's hard, but I believe that's the case with me anyway. I'm sorry about your van- that really stinks. Don't feel horrible though, it's happening all over. I pray you will be able to find the money by the weekend! God Bless you Mary. Please keep looking at the good. They're hard to see these days, but they are still all around. Besides- looking for the good keeps our eyes off the bad. (I'm taking my own advice here now too!) Love you sweet sister!