Thursday, January 31, 2008

Trying Not To Indulge In Those Negative Vocies

It is sooo true that we fight not flesh and blood but in spirit and spiritual principalities.  And the battle is in the mind.  I know this very well.. I have for a long time in my walk.  A lesson learned and relearned.  So often when those voices, thoughts, ideas, not from God creep in I have been equipped to tell them Get Behind Me, Leave, resist the devil and he will flee.  Calling out those lies that attack you, speaking to it the Truth and sometimes having to remind me the TRUTH about myself has helped stayed off depression, pulled me threw hard times, built me up.

But the other night in the wee hours I let them get to me, keeping me up, indulging in tears and self hate, agreeing with what I know is not true. Isn't it amazing how in the dark and quiet hours of the night those demonic voices can become so loud and clear and almost seem to make sense.  And I am not talking about sckitzo voices or literal audible voices (just so you know I am not crazy, I am talking figuratively).  That self sounding voice telling me I am not good enough, I don't measure up, how rejected I am, how horrible everything in my life is, all the things I can't do for myself or for my family, how I am a big fat looser and failer and that no one really knows or cares, a pity party with tears being the cake that I ate all to myself leaving me sick.

This is where I am supposed to say BUT The Joy comes in the morning, I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abanded, struck down but not destroyed, and I'm alll good, everything is going to be alright.  I want to say that, but I am not there yet, not just yet.  I know if I focus on the Lord it will help and I am trying, knowing not to live my life by feelings that change day to day but by faith in a God that is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and that he will never leave me or forsake me.  How can I be down when I know that with out a shadow of doubt in my heart?  The cares of this life is getting to me and the light hearted me, the trusting me, the me that just knows it will be ok eventually is fighting to come thru but her voice is muffled with the daily pain, disappointments, let downs, selfishness of wanting and needing more of what I have. 

 I know there is no magic wand to wave that will make it all better, or a kiss on my boo boo that makes pain vanish and the bumps and scrapes all right.  I almost don't want to be consoled but some positives right now would help.  A crumb of hope.  Something to hold on to.  A dentist that would do work for free or considerable reduced rate, a mortgage company that will give us a set rate, a job that fits the box I need to be in right now to accommodate my family's schedule, more time with my husband with out having to be penalized with him not having work and getting us more behind, friends that are givers not taker and are understanding and won't give looks of concern but give positive reinforcement.  Or just once to be able to say YES to my children when they ask to sign up for dance class with their friends or even to be able to buy them jeans where the knees aren't going to blow out in a week or shoes that don't come from Wal-Mart and fall apart in two months.  Right now that seems like a tall wish list but just one prayer answered right now would be the world to me.

the song on my myspace page right now.. descries me to a T right now:

She's a wreck
Fragile and scarred
Life is work and living is hard
She's tired of the pain, tired of the fix
She's tired of the games and the politics

She's running on empty
She wants an alternate ending

And she's falling
She's falling in love with You
She's so hopeless
She's hopelessly drawn to You

She can feel the weight of the past
It drags her down but she's fighting back
She wants to fly far away from here
She wants a God that won't disappear

She's all out of chances
She is looking for answers

And she's falling
She's falling in love with You
She's so hopeless
She's hopelessly drawn to You

The sun is on the rise
New days coming
You see it in her eyes
She's runnin'
Head long into the light
Let the new day come

And she's falling
She's falling in love with You
She's so hopeless
She's so hopelessly drawn to You

The sun is rising in her eyes
Hold on, the day will come
Love is waiting
Running to the light
Hold on, the day will come

Words by Michael Tait


  1. mary, i know all to well the "pit" you're in. for different people its a different thing. for me its like a pit that no matter how hard i try sometimes i can't get out. i know you already know this, but when i get down to that point i count the blessings i do have. i try to count everyday anyways, but when i reach that point i start out with things that you think of every day: a warm home, food on the table, clothes on my back, shoes on my feet. then i try to remember the ones that we tend to forget: the air that we breathe, being able to breathe, the ability to walk, for the most part being self sufficient (not having to depend on others for my care such as nursing), and so on. when you stack up all of that against the bad the bad doesn't seem so big anymore. i know sometimes it seems that the pit will never let you be free, but remember you are already free through the blood of Christ. and honey remember you are so loved, by josh, the kids, your family, and myself as well as many others, but most of all you are loved by GOD.

    sending speicial blessings and love,

  2. Dear beautiful Mary.  My heart bleeds for you right now because I know EXACTLY how you feel.  You are well grounded and you will get through this.  (((Mary)))  -  Barbara

  3. Oh Mary, I wish I had something wise to say here- believeme, I can totally understand everything you wrote here.  I've been listening to the same voice- I have the same wish list too.  I know it doesn't really help that much to read about others who seem to have it all together, but whenever I get the "woe is me" mindset (which I've had a lot lately!) Ido try and read about others who go through all the same crap we do, and some way more- and things ALWAYS work out for them- if not in this old world- which I am tired of living in, they get it in the life to come.  That's what keeps me going sweety, and I know He's what keeps you going too- and will keep on going!  I'm here any time for you!!!  God Bless you Mary- you're a wonderful woman!!!  Remember that!  I love you sister~ Carolyn

  4. I am late getting here but I know these feelings all too well.  Sometimes it just makes for a terrible time of it and we all get there at times.  Many HUGS!!!!!!!!!