The sermon Sunday revolved around drawing closer to the Lord and the purpose and meaning of Communion, having a covenant meal, self examination and the benefits of doing it often. The hammer hit and it was as if I was being called out.. Mary you luke warm, pulling away from your first love, stagnant Christian... yup.. THATS ME.
But it's everyone I have been pulling away from and actually I have felt fine with it.. its comfortable, safe, lazy, easy. I haven't felt too compelled in making an effort to go to church.. basically because I just can't take all the questions about when is Josh coming home and oh how hard it must be when he is gone for work so much.. If I don't think about it, I don't have to deal with it and just drift threw till his next home coming... is it so much to ask that people just accept this is how it is right now and stop being so pushy about it.. even in love. There is more to me than Josh and his absence..although it is just a fact of life right now that we have to do everything over the phone or computer and when he is home everyone clamors for his time and I just want him all to myself. And I have let it fester in to anger and complacency for well over two months. Gas is crazy so I let that be an excuse too but really its just a convenient explanation.
And when I feel anger I tend to fall into a rebelous state and backslide into old patterns that keep me away from being close with God. And while that is an ugly place to be, not pretty of me, I haven't felt like reaching out to come out.. I know it's my own choice to be this way. I keep saying to myself.. oh next week I will get out of my stupor, tomorrow I will straighten up and be the Me I know I should be. Monday I will put away foolishness and go to church for the weekly communion service they are starting to do. Monday comes.. I plan to go..but I know.. if I do go I have to really be sincere and let my wall down with the Lord... because you cant take a convent meal with that and if you do with out willing to give up what is impure in your life it is detrimental.
So I hide in my books (been reading the Wheel Of Time series.. waiting on book 11 to come into the bookstore) and catching up online on shows I have missed, avoiding the News because I am so sick of hearing about bad things and about the elections and I yell at the kids for fighting too much with each other and getting into things while I let myself be distracted. I dread going to work because I am feeling like a medieval servant and am paid wayyyyy tooo little for all that I do.. so I skirt on some things and haven't given my all and even not been very good company.
So there ya go if you were wondering. My downward spiral laid out.
It's not like we haven't talked about Josh finding a job that will keep him in town but what it boils down to is less money, less security, and we are holding on to the house by a thread right now as it is.. we would have to give it up and we are not to that point where we can just do that yet.
It may be out of our hands soon enough.. Josh is coming home tomorrow (he was just home a week ago) because he needs to see his doctor. Apparently our wonderful UNION insurance doesn't cover him outside our area and he really is scared because he blacked out with out warning at work a few days ago. He says he doesn't think it was because of the heat or being dehydrated and he just hasn't felt right since. It could be something as simple as blood pressure or it could be he has developed a sensitivity to working in the heat.. and that would mean he would prob have to change jobs. I don't know.. I know it puts a kink in some things... he has to use his free ticket we have been saving for me to use to see him because his work doesn't want to pay for his travel unless it does turn out to be a work related condition, and he looses pay to come home. But it will be nice soooooo nice to see him even under these circumstances.