Tuesday, August 29, 2006

You can't Pick your family but you can Choose your friends

That seems to be the theme of my life the last two weeks or so.  I had this wonderful, well written post all ready.. but my AOL software froze on me and it is all lost.  Maybe it was a good thing, a cleansing post to get my hurts out and deleted away.  I didn't really name names or get into the nitty gritty details but I am sure those who know the parties I was speaking of could see right to what I was alluding to with my words.

I will just say this.. aside from all the family that I married into dramas.. I had a good time, even if my feelings were hurt from time to time but I have cried a good cry and am over it, trying to anyways. I remind myself of a life lessen I learned long ago and now have re learned it, Don't make your own plans, don't have expectations of how things will turn out or how others will act, it only leads to let downs and heart breaks.  Better to have low expectations, go with the flow and be surprised. I pray for the grace to accept and still love the ones who caused strife and hurt the feelings of me and my husband and his siblings.

I loved having a house full of family and having all the get together.  Adults sitting and visiting, children playing in the back yard and bonding over a game, food aplenty, a small buzz from a wine cooler going.  It was ruminant of olden days of when my family would go over to my Aunt's house for those big family get togethers and BBQs.  I wish it could happen every week or once a month.  Spending time with your family is how life is supposed to be!!

But the out of town guest are gone and won't be back for another year.  Josh is back on the road.  The children have started school.  This big house sometimes feels very lonely with just me and the cat knocking the rooms.  If I dwell on it all I could get very depressed but I will look on the bright side, the stress is over and I can get back to some sort of routine.  I  made this big poster size framed picture colaze of the good times spend over this visit. I know I will often stop in the hallway to gaze at it and remember and ponder and pray for each person in the pictures.

I have so much more to write about.. it has been forever since I written a decent journal post.  I have done so much besides the whole family reunion thing.  I will try and do a productive post each day.  I will try and sort threw my alerts and get up to date with all my blogging friends and online friends.  The desire to be on my computer has faded so much, this is about the first time I have touched it in weeks.  It is weird to feel this way.. I love my computer, I feel so connected to others threw it.  Not sure if this is depression or just LIFE happening.  Maybe I am starting to feel keeping this blog is pointless.. not too many read what I have to say anymore (cant blame them lol I hardly post) and the energy to write honestly, feels drained.  I know I have missed the 3rd year anniversary of AOL Journals and all the cyber celebrations that went on.  My journal has always meant alot to me and I used to be proud I was one of the first in AOL Journal Land.. that I have a big archive full of memories to go back and read any time.

I guess I am sick of dancing around words and not saying what is really on the top of my head.. always worried or wondering how others will feel about what I write or say.. on and off line.  I used to write unabashedly, but over time started to write by a set of my own made up rules, a code of conduct that would make others happy and keep me out of trouble.  I never have wanted my journal to be fake, but to be an honest account of my feelings and the freedom that comes with keeping an open journal, not worried that some one will invade a private one like I had when I was growing up.  I just need to find a balance. 


  1. I think we all hold back sometimes, we try and write what we think people want to read instead of just sometimes being plain honest (I do not mean hurtful). I am going to do a post this week and in it I am going to mention a couple of my pet hates, maybe things that people do not know about me, things that bug me, so instead of keeping it bottled up inside, I am going to let it out.  If I get flak, well then that is my own responsibility.

    I had a break away from journals earlier in the year because I was feeling rough. The first couple of days I missed it so much but towards the end of the second week, I had got out of the habit and it was hard to pick up the threads again.


  2. Maybe you just need a private journal, so you can vent freely.  That's what I do.  ;o)


  3. (((Mary)))
    I once let go and just wrote what I felt and the backlash was nasty so I understand how you write from your own made up rules, it's hard to just let it go. I think if you want to really let it go and be free in your thoughts and feelings, the safest way is to go private as Lori suggested.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers.

    God Bless

  4. I actually have 3 blogs, one on aol, one on blogger and one on homeschoolblogger.  I censor the one that my face to face friends read.  Less trouble that way.
    I know what you mean about spending time with family.  It's very hard when everyone lives so far away.

  5. and this is too why i have a private j, with only certain readers. not even brady reads me journal..if he did, i dont think things would be the same. :o? Take a deep breath and keep your chin up. This too shall pass.

  6. I absolutely HAD to create a private journal because I was so held back on my public one - too many "eyes" out there that I had to be constantly reminded of as I wrote.

    It makes it so much easier to get rid of my "junk" with the private journal that is read only by fellow j-landers who understand my need to purge.