When I was writing my last entry I started looking for a picture in previous journal postings of the Christmas Lights, when Josh had put them up originally. I didn't find a good one but I did start to do back reading of old entries. I haven't done that in a while. It is pretty cool that I have almost 4 years of my memories and pictures chronicled in the archives of my AOL Hunybea's Open Journal. That is the longest I have ever kept any kind of journal and why I mostly resist the urge to delete.. don't want to loose it all.. no matter how pissed I get at AOL HELL.
It was cool to reread things I had forgotten about posting and seeing how much the children have grown threw the pictures posted.. I don't post as many pictures as I used to, or do as many entries for that matter. I jumped around from month to month year to year aimlessly. Reading about past Ladies retreats I have been on made me sad that I was unable to go this year, and wow all the little mile stones with the kids was nice to relive.. sometimes they seem so far away as they keep getting bigger and bigger. I also miss some of the old friends that used to comment and visit my blog but now I hardly hear from because of the whole AOL Exodus..humm.. wonder where they are now.
I can see in some ways I have grown alot..I cringe at the first year of postings and all the misspellings and bad bad gammar.. I have to sit on my hands when reading some of them so I do not click on the edit entry button to fix them lol. And I am sooooo thankful for the increased charter limit.. that first year I often had to break entries up into 2-3 parts. Some things I have written, I now can roll my eyes at and shake my head over the silly rants and other things made me cry and wonder how did I get so far from being that person, being that on fire for certain things.. and question my laziness and why I hold back more now. Aw but I do have so much less computer time then I used to.. because I have in some ways grown out of being THAT addicted. I think last year in March I had a whole 5 entries or so? And the year before that over 40.. yikes. But I do less quizzes and journal community participation too. I do feel a bit of a loss over how the journal community has changed over the years.
It would take me days to re-read all my old entries so I thought it would be neat to compare a month and see how different I was or the things I was doing in those years. Since it is still March I used that month. I came to a sad reliztion.. there is a pattern.. March from one year to the next could be the same.. doing and saying the same things or going threw the same trial over and over. *ugh*! But it is nice to know you can count on Girl Scout Cookies every March, and Spring almost always is on it's way.
In March we always seem to be very very broke and that has lead into the whole debate about me going back to work.. very angishing entries on that subject and ironic.. here I am again broke and thinking of going back to work and doing the whole job search thing and wondering how to work all that out. I think we are always broke in March because it is the end of winter and winter is the slowest for Josh's work and we get behind. Right now we are so broke I don't have a loaf of bread in the cabinet.. not sure what is for dinner or how I am going to make lunches for the kids tomorrow, out of trash bags, soda, cigarettes.. the list of what we are OUT of could go on and on and almost every bill is coming over due this week. Thankfully, Josh did work a bit over the weekend and Just left today for work out of town. If only I can get threw this week.. next week has to be so much better.
And I have come to the connection after reading my March Entries that I have allergies. Every March I get a wicked cold.. have one right now.. or that is what I have been thinking it was.. I have never had allergies before but I guess you can develop them in adulthood. It seems over the last few years every spring, after I have opened up the house I get a cloudy head, pressure and nasal drip and just an all over crummy feeling. Going to have to look into getting some kind of over the counter meds.. but no way am I sticking nasal spray up my nose.
But also noticing the patterns I see after the times of hardship or trial, my relationship grows with my family & friends and with God. I get reinvigoration, rejuvinarted.. not sure if that is JUST because it is Spring or as with any test there is growth.. but after a few years you would think we have grown enough not to need a conflict to get re-engaged or on fire again. But then again there is always peaks and valleys in life.. mine happen to have a pattern to them?? lol
One thing is for sure.. as much as things stay the same, they also change. I am not the same person I was in most of those past entries but in many ways I am. I still smoke, the always and forever struggles to loose weight, battles with keeping control over household duites and balancing being a good parent and wife but still keeping something of my own identity. But I can tell in many ways I have matured, mellowed out some.. guess that comes with being 30 (I am still not used to say I am that old lol)
God is still working on me. I am sure he will be up until the day I die or till he comes back. And I am sure in some things life is all about patterns and habbits, times and seasons. Some need to be changed and some are meant to stay the same.. knowing the differnance and letting God help you change what needs to be is the challange.
Have you done this? Gone threw old journal entries and noticed a pattern.. if so what patterns do you see and is it positive or negative. Do you plan on making changes and sticking to them so next yearwill be different?