NaNoWriMo...up date and chapter 9 part 1. Yes I am a hack.

                                                Chapter 9

When Hannah went into the gas station she decided to shake off her insecurities about Phil grabbing her wrist like that.  She felt that slamming the car door sent the right message and she would leave it at that.  The munchies were on her forethought and she needed a drink to.  She is glad he asked if they should stop before they got to Stan’s.  She decided she would take her sweet old time getting the snacks to let the air clear between them and maybe cool them both down.  Hannah loves giving into his kissing and his soft touch but she is afraid if she lets it go too far she may not be able to keep control

 

She opened the glass door to the cooler where the case was lined in neat rows of sodas and juices. “Something pink and juicy he said” she mumbled out loud. Her mind is a bit fuzzy still and she is overwhelmed by all the choices in beverages. Hannah standing in the open cooler door looks up and down the rows of various drinks and has no clue what she wants or exactly what she is craving. “Choices, choices” she says out loud to herself. She glances over to the clerk embarrassed that she is taking so long in making a decision.  The clerk a twenty-five year old blond  transplant with a pierced eyebrow gives her a smile as he leans on the counter waiting to check her out.  Thenight has been slow, except that hippy dude that came in 10 minuets ago and she is a pretty addition to the gloom of the gas station

 

“You need help over there” the guy says with a thick NYC accent.

 

“Na, just trying to make up my mind about what to drink. Thanks” Hannah answers

 

She glances over out the window to where her car is parked and sees Phil on his cell phone. She screams inside her head “AGAIN!” She doesn’t like the idea of cell phones and how they can be so intrusive. She thinks it rude to be with some one and they drop what ever they are doing to answer a call and start another conversation with who ever is on the other end.  She hopes this will not be something she will have to deal with all night. She puts her attention back to making a choice of drink and just grabs what ever is in the pink bottle for Phil and a Diet soda for herself.  Then she walks over to the candy isle, again too many choices, everything looks yummy.  Hannah is not much of a junk food person and is into watching her diet but she thinks tonight she has broken so many of her personal rules what is one more. She finally just grabs peanut butter cups and a few Watchamacallits and brings it all up to the clerk to ring up.

 

The clerk gives her a smile as he scans the drinks and candy.  Hannah gives him a smile back as she has resolved herself not to be in a rush.

 

“Is there anything else I can get you?” he asks out of routine.<o:p></o:p>

 

Hannah gives a pause and thinks about the question.  Does she need anything else?  She notices the boxes of condoms that is kept behind the counter and safe from shoplifters and considers those may be funny to buy but she decides better not to.  She doesn’t want to be THAT encouraging!

 

“Besides your phone number? No” Hannah laughs; she can’t believe that just came out of her mouth! “JUST KIDDING” she quickly adds.

 

The clerk laughs with her, he would have given it to her too but she took it back. “Ok then. Your total is $5.32.”

 

Hannah reaches into her front pocket and pulls out the cash she has on her.  She doesn’t carry a purse and prefers to just keep everything in her pockets. A purse to her is like carrying around luggage that she doesn’t need. She is simplistic that way.  She counts out six dollars and hands it over to the man behind the counter

 

“Is that a New York accent I hear?” she asks to make conversation.

 

“Yes, sure is.” He answers.

“What are you doing here then?  Saint Louis is so boring.  I would think a big city like NY would be more exciting” she asked him

 

“Oh Saint Louis has its draws” he said and gave her a wink with her change.

 

Hannah couldn’t help but give him a wink back.  She never is like this, all that flirting with Phil has started something with her and she just can’t seem to shut it off. She takes her change and shoves it in her pocket.  She glances over to her car and Phil again and sees he is still on the phone, she is annoyed.

 

“Oh ya. Like what?” she asked as the clerk hands her the bag of munchies.

 

“Where else in the world do you see an old hippy with a braid down to here driving around in a Viper?  That was the coolest thing I ever saw when he came in here tonight. Well, next to you.” He said with a blush.

 

Hannah’s mouth gapes open and then with out thinking lets out “Oh My God! Phil is going to kill Stan! He was supposed to go right home, no pit stops!”

 

The clerk is surprised and asks, “Oh, You knew that guy? How funny.”

 

“Ya, I kinda know him.” Hannah answers as she goes for the door and leaves giving him a wave goodbye.

Tower of refugue and strenth.. Peaks and Valleys.. Music and what not.

*Now that I got the music thing figured out expect it to change often or if I get lazy hardly at all lol.  I will update my about me section with the song title and if I know the artist them too.  "My Jesus" I put in today because we sang a version of it at church and I thought I would share.*

I lay myself out here pretty openly, I show the good and the bad. Why? I don't know, I reason it as showing and living my life and faith, how I deal with life and how my relationship with Christ plays into it all. An on going testimony or something to that effect. I am not perfect and I know that a lot of ppl hold Christians to a higher standard (and that is right because we are supposed to be an example) but I also wanted to show brothers and sisters that I too share in their struggles and we are not alone.  Just because you become a Christian life doesn't become perfect, but it sure does become so much more then what it was before.  Every one is in a different place in their walk with him and their maturity.  I know I sure do have a lot of growing to do but even if I am not the most knowledgeable or mature doesn't mean God cannot use me and honestly that is my heart's cry, Lord Use ME for your purpose, get me into a place where I have the servant's heart and that I can yield to your Spirit. GROW ME UP IN YOU. Is what I often ask when I am asking.

That said, I have become growing aware that there is this complacency in my life, my fire or light is just not burning as it used to.  I think back to some of the stuff I wrote a year ago, and how I used to be on so many levels and I am amazed that came from me compared to today and how my walk has been going. I don't know about back sliding and all that, if that is what you can call it.  I have from time to time fallen back into old patterns instead of stepping forward into Holiness. Feeling like I've been in a deep valley for a while now.  How does this happen? I would like to pin point when it started so I can put the blame on someone or something but really the blame starts with ME.  I know how and I have to confess it.  Because I have been feeding my flesh side more than my spiritual side. There is a saying that there is this war going on inside of you, like two dogs fighting, flesh Vs spirit, the one you feed the most is the one that will always win out because that one is the strongest.

Well, I am here to say there has to be a change within me! A heart change, a mind set change, a change in my attitude towards God and my family. Time to wake up out of this fog, this haze I have allowed the enemy to put me under.  I heard him loud and clear today saying WAKE UP MARY DRAW CLOSER TO ME. No not an audible voice but I know when the spirit is talking to me and bring on conviction.  I know there is so much more out there than this just getting by with as little as possible effort like I have been doing.  I know I can do nothing on my own and any changes have to be made by God in my heart but I know it all starts with me saying yes and drawing closer to him, walking it the spirit, instead of walking in my old ugly flesh.  To actually be active in searching out God instead of waiting for him to drop by here and there for a chat and a cup of tea.

I hear it right now.. Who is saying "Mary where is all this coming from, you are such a spiritual person already and you do touch people more than you think"? lol Thanks.  But God knows my heart better than even I do and if he is telling me I have to change and to wake up, then I better do it and yield to Him.  I confess I have not prayed like used to, I have not been actively seeking him, I have not dug deep in the Word in some time, I hardly read at all anymore. I confess that I have been a lazy child and when He comes up in conversations sometimes I do not make it clear where I am coming from and Who he is and why. Instead of bringing people to the Lord and shinning I have turned my back and said "oh someone else will be sent to do the work" THAT IS SHAMEFUL!  I confess that I have allowed others to influence me and I have fed into negative gossip and other worldly behavior, I have not been a good steward of what he has given me. I have at times put my own wants and needs ahead of my husband's and children's needs, basic needs.  I have been very selfish.  I have not prayed like I know I should for those who ask for it, I do the generic prayer and move on to whatever when I should be putting my whole attention to that person's request, thinking, oh He knows what they need and I don't need to partition him and what not.. For someone who calls herself a Prayer Warrior that is just sad and a big disservice to the person who trusts me to enough to share the request in the first place. When I find myself resentful and jealous of brothers and sisters who are operating in their gifts and being used by God and thinking.. why doesn't he do that with me or threw me.. I know there is something wrong.  When my first reaction is to hold someone back instead of encourage, something is wrong. 

I know to some this may seem like I am strongly railing on myself and they may not understand where all this is coming from.  But it is just me doing some deep soul mirroring, and not liking what I am seeing. I have avoided it for too long, not looking at myself and examining my motives and my relationships, because I KNEW it would not be pretty.  But now I know and I can give it over to HIM.  I know new beginnings can start at anytime and I should stop putting it off. Today is the Day of my salvation. Every day.  It wasn't just some date on the calendar that happened on a Sunday.  Being a Christian is not something you do once a week and worship is not just done in a sancuary.. it is how you live your life day in and day out.  I used to know that down pat and walked in it. Far too long my life has not been an act of worship and glorifying to the Lord and I am asking him to help me and to change me.

This post went in a different direction then I had planned.  If I had written about what I wanted maybe you could see why all that came about. LOL but charter limit and not wanting to hold your attention for too much longer prevents me from writing.  Maybe I will tomorrow.

Medical update & Family game night

Yesterday I did get into see the Nurse about that thing growing in my inter thigh area.  I also had a good chat with Josh about my book and after the little ones was sent to bed us big kids played a game that lasted 2 hours. Then Josh and I made out to AOL radio 90's Alternative station (like we was in highschool lol)

Josh got off of work early yesterday because they was slow and nothing was going to be starting until Monday (that is 3 days off for him last week, yikes).  My appointment was at 10:30 and he got home at 9.  He wanted me to run his check to the bank and get milk before I left.  We are so low on even the basic groceries, it isn't even funny anymore. NO big deal, I took his check ran to the bank, went to fill out the deposit slip inside (I forgot the check book) and was not liking how long the line looked. As I was filling out the deposit slip I slapped my self upside the head, I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT OUR ACCOUNT NUMBER IS! So instead of be embarrassed and wasting my time in line I left. I am sure they would have deposited anyway but I felt stupid. I ran over to the store to get just milk and me a small bottle of soda.  A whole $5 if that in groceries.  I went to use my card, knowing we are very low on funds but taking a chance anyways.  NOPE rejected.  Again I felt very stupid but I have gotten used to it and it is no big deal for me anymore.  So I ran home for the check book that has the slips with our account number, thinking I would still have time to go back to the bank and store before my appointment.

Josh was annoyed that I let my shyness get the better of me and insisted they would have deposited it anyway and now I don't have time to do it or else I would be late for my appointment.  So I left and went to the bank's drive threw before my appointment.  The line was long but I thought I had some time to kill.  Eventually I got served and deposited his check and kept out $60 for groceries later. Then I was off to the appointment.  I had never been there but the directions was easy enough, and its maybe 15 min. from my house.  Well, I take the long way instead of the highway and go in threw the back road and get a bit lost.  But no worries I found it and was there at 10:30 on the dot.

When I went in the waiting area it  seemed abandoned and I was thinking this is just like a scene out of the chapter I wrote for the J~Land novel the other day. lol I went up to the counter and signed in and kinda went "Ahem" to the girls in the back.  A nice young gal came over (she had to be younger than me, for some reason I find this annoying that she has a better job than me lol) Gave me my papers to fill out and said excuse me I was eating on a tootise roll, my fingers may be sticky. lol I don't mind, I probably would be snacking too if it was that slow.

All the normal questions, medial coverage, who is the responsible party, address and emergency numbers and yadda yadda.. I was so proud I could confidently put when my LMP was. Halloween, how easy is that to remember! LOL unlike my charter in the J~Land novel who was 3 months preggers and didn't even relies it.  I must truly be sick in the head to be thinking about J~Land as I am at an OB appointment lol. But I thought it was funny.

When it came to family history and list all the conditions and also all the pregnancies you had, it said include termination's also, I really had to think about the specifics.  I am so bad.  I could not tell you the exact birth weight and length of all my children if you paid me. Here is just an example ladies of how you WILL NEVER FORGET your abortion.  You will be reminded of it each time you have to fill these forms out, even if you don't put it down, you will still think of it. Ofcourse I put mine down (after some thought to when the date of it may have been, I could only come up with an approximate month and year). I was curious if the nurse would say anything or what.  I am past my abortion experience and have let God heal me of those hurts so I can talk about it very freely now.  I also had to really think about how old my dad was when he died of lung cancer, I am not totally sure but I said 47. I am sure if I done the math I could have figured it out. He is 11 yrs older than my Mom and Mom is 50something, he died when I was 18 and Zane was just a baby.  My Mom had me when she was 23. I also had to put down about my Mom and her heart probs and her women probs (witch I am not totally sure what they was called but she ended up getting a full hysterectomy).  LIKE YOU GUYS WANT ALL THIS PERSONAL INFO LOL.

I get in to the back finally, after looking at a holiday mag with all these kid friendly decorating activities (as If I will ever do halfthe stuff they suggest).  I was asked to step on that stupid scale and I commented "What if I refuse?" I really prefer not to know but its part of the exame. I was a bit excited, I know I have been loosing weight but since I don't have a scale at home, purposely I may add, I wanted to see what it would say.  Well, I am disappointed, I think that scale was tipped or something. Or maybe I weighed more than I thought when I made a conscious effort to loose and eat better. WATER WATER, I MUST DRINK MORE WATER DANG IT! I am at least 50 pounds away from being happy with my weight I think. Who am I kidding? I will never be back to my pre babies weight LMBO.  But I can dream can't I?

The nurse takes me back to an office room and sits and looks over my papers.  She said she likes to do this before going into the exam room, more comfortable for both of us.  She is very nice and I think I like her, even if she is not a doctor. She asks me questions on my history and tries to fill in the blanks I had left. She goes tisk tisk that it has been so long since I had a pap and that she strongly encourages me getting one. I told her I plan on it but the doc didn't have any openings till FEBRUARY! Then she gets to the list where I have my pregnancies down. Oh you have, and she paused and then said four children, good for you. I smile and now that I think about it I should have said NO 5, one is just in heaven.  She asked if I was using birthcontrol since I left it blank, no, hubby got a vasectomy.  Then she asks me to describe my problem and why am I in to see her today. And I did, I gave her the nasty details but she is not grossed out or swayed from her nice smile. (I always notice ppls teeth, probably because I am so selfcouious of my own.) I told her I feel kinda silly now that it has mostly drained and is about gone, but she insist I did the right thing by coming in.  She said it sounded like to her a cyst from an ingrown hair but it should be kept an eye on because it can develop into something worse later. She took me into the exam room and said she would be right back as I undressed just my pants and underwear.  So I did and sat and sat and sat.. I had to of been in there 20 min! Shheesh.  Good thing it was well heated lol.  She takes my BP but not my temp. (my other office always took my temp and a urine sample).  She then takes a look at the problem area and up she says just as she thought.  She suggested anti biotic and come and see her again in 2 weeks to recheck it. Also she said she could do a pap and breast exam at that appointment so I don't have to wait till Feb. ( I am a bit surprised at that, I thought only doctors can do that? but I will take it anyway).  As I was making the appointment for two weeks with the receptionist I asked the nurse to write down the exact name of the thing and she had to really think on how to spell it lol she even went to the medical dictionary, embarrassed that she writes it down all the time but her mind is a blank now. Sebacous Cyst. I looked up a page on it if you care to look.  Reading it, it says it is no big deal also and that you can get them all over your body, they don't really go away from the sound of this page but can get inflamed and may have to be removed.  I think I will have to ask for it to be removed, I cannot deal with it where it is at every day! It rubs on my jeans even when I am wearing underwear.  Josh says he had one on his face (I remember but didn't know what it was called) and they had to drain it and cut it off.  I remember when he did that, Zane was a toddler and head butted him and when he came home and made the thing bleed and made it worse lol.  So anyway to wrap up this medical portion of my post, now I have to remember to take the keflex (that coasted me $13.44 at walgreens, my ins saved me a whole $1.95 big whoop) four times a day.  And I have to remind Josh to take the receipt in to get remburst when he is at his union hall.

After my prescription was filled I went over to Aldi a supper cheap grocery store.  I spent $30 there from the cash I had, I knew my card would not work.  We had talked about making beef stew for dinner but they had no stew meat.  They are supper cheap because of there small selection but they have the basics I need and I think I will go to the reg. store later.  I did get hot dogs for lunch and tomato juice, onions and potatoes, couple cans of stewed tomatoes for the stew and 3 cans of chili and 2 ponds of ground hamburger. Thinking we could have chili for dinner one night.  I also got two nice sized and already seasoned pork tender loins.  We are planning on having a family over after church for lunch and I was thinking BBQ. I also got milk andbread.  After I got out of the store I was kicking my self for not getting crackers and noodles for the chillily and light bulbs too.  I know those items are cheaper there than at the other stores.  As I was driving home I was enjoying some old old tapes I got out of the garage.  I found a gold mine in old music from my back in the day. Remember Neena Cherry?? Buffalo Stance?? LOL ohh and Color Me Bad and Pearl Jam. I thought the Pearl Jam was Josh's but he insists that it was mine, I don't remember ever buying it.  Josh reminds me that I used to think 5 finger discounts was cool for a while. Really? I DID? LOL my memory is very selective.. see how much I have changed!

I get home and am literately jumped on by my kids.. ohhh they missed me soooooo much. I WAS ONLY GONE AN 2 1/2 HOURS! They just wanted the food I had lol.  I made them lunch and Josh was cruising the net.  He was on a biker joke page and I will not even leave you the link..  nasty joke pictures. I told him shame on you.. That is not pure and lovely and of good report (referring to scripture) and he rebukes me.. lol.. He said I have no place to talk, he read some of my book. I insist my main charter has to fall hard to be able to come back and be in relationship with God, that is why for those details lol no really that is the plan, the plot. He isn't buying it. Ok OK well maybe my book isn't quite geared for a Christian audience at this point, but it will have those seeds in it and the ending will be uplifting (I think).

After lunch Josh decides to take a 4 hour nap. Fine with me, I thought I would write some then. Ya right. Good luck with the kids going nuts like that.  I make them go out and play since it is nice and sunny, just a bit chilly. They are in and out and I am surprised Josh slept threw it all. I did finish up a chapter and started a new one but didn't get as far as I wanted. I have so many ideas and plans for the story, it is just getting it out and there is the problem.  This week has not been as productive as I had hoped. Word count: 23,941  I was trying to write when his little sis called asking what to get him for Christmas. It was nice to talk with her for a bit and I went in and woke Josh up so he could say hi to her.  Well, ofcourse he stays up and he sees me clicking away at the keyboard.  He is very annoyed with it actually.  He thinks it is another thing, another thief ofmy time. I am like I warned you when I started it that it would be and I have dropped off some from my journal time. Believe me there are multitudes of things I wanted to write in here but choose not to.  I told him how do you expect me to make the 500,000 word count dead line?! He was surprised it was that much! He said if he had known that he wouldn't have let me start gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I said stop holding me back, I just may sell it and make us some money one day, who knows I maybe the next Daniel Steel (as someone suggested here lol). I told him how often to I just write Stories? Never. And it is something I really love to do. Always have. He said sorry but how would I feel if he had a hobby that took him away 30 hours or more a week from me and the kids. (I am not sure I write that much but I do spend a lot of time online) I laughed and said ya wait till you start to build your bike and then we will have that fight.  I support that and would not complain.  I don't write when he is home or around because I know it will upset him, so I do it at night and stay up too late and he has a prob with that ofcourse cuz it makes me sleep in.  Well, to end the argument he asked Isn't it time for you to start dinner anyway?! It is barley 5 o'clock.  Ya well you did say you had to go to the store and he wants a soda.  Maybe I will get you a soda if you ask me nice I say lol.  Please get me a soda.. NOW!  I call him a butt head lol but referring to that old cartoon, MY KIDS jumped on that and went ohhhhhhhh mommy said a bad word!.  Family life is so much fun, no really, it is!

I opted to go to a store that I don't normally go to because I perceive it to be more expensive and caters to the yuppies that live around here but I wanted to pick up an application at the UPS Store that was in that shopping center. And to my delight they did have soda on sale but you had to have a $10 purchase along with it.  So I get the soda, chili and stew seasoning packets, the noodles, stew meat (expensive)! crackers and as an after thought the store band on sale bottle of vodka.  When I had brought the tomato juice home Josh asked what it was for and I said the stew and he said nope, we just bullion, he joked that I should drink it with vodka, so that is why I got it. Thought it would be funny.  But I over spent and had to put one of the cases of soda back and a Chile season packet back. Spent the last of my cash on me, knowing my card would probably not work till the next day.  We decided to make the chili for dinner instead of stew and he didn't want the noodles I got for it.. That would be chilly mac not chillie.. gurr I said if I had known that I would not have bought it!. As I make myself a bloody Mary. lol Josh said he didn't know how to make them (really I don't either). I said sure you do and he laughed and said Ya wait till You (My name is Mary remember) starts to bleed in 3 weeks LMBO. You had to be there folks, it was amusing at the time.

We got done eating dinner around 6:15 or so and went back to writing at the computer. Must... Must.. Improve my word count.. NaNoWriMo on the brain.. I even dream about my story at this point.  Well, by 7 the babies are having fits because they didn't like dinner and wanted something else.  Sorry beggars can't be choosers, that is what we got kids. They went into full fit mode and Josh wasn't having it! They got sent to bed early and since they didn't have a nap was asleep in no time.  That left Zane and Annie up and they had to bug me. LOL OK I sound cold now, but I do love my kids, I just have to get threw November and make my dead line.  Don't they know I am an author? lol. Game, Game, play a game with us Dad and MOM! Zane brings out his Lord Of The Rings Trivial Pursuit that he got for his birthday and had pouty eyes (darn he got that from me and it always works on Josh) I said NOOOOOOOOOO any game but that one!!! LOL At this point I am on my second vodka and tomato juice.  I suggested the game my Mom gave us the last time she was here, we had not played it as a family but the kids had tried to play it between themselves.

So we turned the t.v OFF! AND I was dragged away from my keyboard.  I did put on Radio @ AOL : 90s Alternative for background noise. Gawwwd does that station bring me back to my teens and young adult years lol.

Is a complicated game, especially if you are getting a buzz on!  I was the elephant.  In the instructions it did have the history behind the pieces and what not.. I didn't know the game was org. from India.  The lotus flower spots are safety.  It was hard to keep track since the game pieces go one way and the rotation of the dice go another. Anyone play??? LOL I proclaimed at the end of the game that it had to be some hidden metaphor for the Hindu religion! LOL We had tons of fun playing and my son loved the fart humor he used whenever a piece would come behind another one.. here take a sniff and when we was all lined up in a row.. Double sniff lol.  Ofcourse I farted and that made both my kids crack up. Josh shook his head and told Annie that real ladies don't do that. I am such a bad example...... Zane ended up winning and Josh came in last.  That is the longest game ever! 2 hours!!!! lol

And this is one of my longest posts lol. I will leave out the parts about after the kids went to bed : )

 Love you all.. off to write some more, I hope!

Satan.. GET THY BEHIND ME! AND SHUT UP! I will listion to the voice of TRUTH.

This is the post that goes along with the song I have up in the body of my Journal so make sure not to just link to this entry or read it in alerts

 

Ohh I had such a nasty spirit on me yesterday!  Josh had called me on a break and insisted I called down to the union hall and speak with the ladies in charge of the benefits to make sure a nurse practitioner was covered.. I just assume they are and why make an extra call.. BUT I did it and yep they are.  I waited and waited for him to call me back so I could shove it in his face that I was right.  He didn't call till he was on his way home from work.  Then he started talking about that house over in Caseyville, he has been looking up the statistics on it and what the cost of living would be and bla bla bla.. Oh and that he had talked to Rick and said that we would want to see a lease agreement and the details about the option to buy before we really could consider it. I told him I do not want to move at all but I do want to be open to the Lord and be a good wife also.  I told him that we prayed about it like he asked at the prayer meeting and that I asked if anyone felt the sprit talk to them about it either way. No one did but one did pray that if it was not God's will he would put up road blocks to us moving and if it was that it would be smooth as silk.  I also told him I prayed that I wanted to Go WHERE EVER HE SENDS ME, to be an obedient servant to the Lord, but I had to know it was of God and not just us getting the moving itch.  Josh didn't let me finish telling him that it was also said that if we are to move something Big had to be in Caseyville for God to bring us there. (that excites me) I did say "HEY isn't Caseyville like a 10 min drive from Granite City. Ohh if we do move over there YOU KNOW I would be over at that clinic about everyday. You will not be able to keep me away. (Granite City has a notorious abortion clinic that specializes in late turn abortions... I have been down there before to pray in front of the building with other pro-lifers but Josh didn't like it and barred me from goingagain.  I knew he wouldn't like that.  He said NO YOU WILL NOT be, you will be working.. I said what? NO I will be getting ready to go to school, and then he said no you have to work for 2yrs before you can go to school.. contrary to the plan we had discussed before. But we got into it when I made the comment that it seemed to me that a move to Caseyville would not be a step up but a step back, compared to where we live now. And that I really don't want to pull the kids out of school in the middle of the year.  Josh threw back in my face "OH is that like when you said you are above factory work".. That really stung and I was silenced but it pissed me off badly.. I did say that along time ago and yes we have been going round and round again about me getting a job, I said I would but really haven't been looking and he kinda dropped it.

    So after that I started hearing the voice.. He is right, you know he thinks you are no good as a house wife, you are no good, and he is better off without you, let him leave you and find a better women.  He deserves better. And how can you go to work without it being a crappie job and you hating, what kind of job can you get, you are no good, you have no skills, you have not worked in 4 yrs. NO ONE is going to want you.

Then I heard my self say FINE! I WILL SHOW HIM, AND TAKE SOME STUPID FACTORY JOB, HATE IT AND BE MISERABLE, HE DON'T CARE ABOUT ME, I AM A LAZY BITCH.  WHY CANT HE BE CONTENT WHERE HE IS? WHERE WE LIVE AND HOW WE LIVE! I DON'T NEED THINGS, A SECOND CAR OR CABLE OR EVEN OWN MY OWN HOUSE (YET I WONT GIVE UP MY INTERNET) WOULD BE NICE BUT I DON'T NEED THINGS... WE HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR WITH ME STAYING HOME! WHY CAN'T HE BE CONTENT?!  

I finally had to say out loud to the voices in my head SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!  

 I really cried and pouted in my room and was in a get away from me mood when he got home. He knew I was upset and didn't leave it, he had to rib on me using the kids.  He got talking about school with the little ones, and said if mommy goes to work you know you would go to preschool.  That got them excited, they want to go to school so bad but then Lilly said "DAD! You go to work and mommy stays home with us. Silly"  Then as I was making dinner (early and it was delicious btw) I was looking at my Purpose Driven Life Calendar, reading what it said for November

"Made For A Mission, God is at work in the world, and He wants you to join Him.  This assignment is called your mission. God wants you to have both a ministry in the Body of Christ and a mission in the world.. Fulfilling your mission in the world is God's fifth purpose for your life.. You are the only Christian some people will ever know, and your mission is to share Jesus with them"

As I was reading it I was pretty much ignoring my husband, on the verge of tears, he saw me looking at the calendar and wanted to know what I was looking at.  So I read him what it said, knowing he was not in the mood for Godly things and that he wouldn't really get it.  I asked him so what do you think YOUR PURPOSE IS?  And he gave me the syndical comment of "Keeping you in soda and cigarettes and dsl since you wont work. I said no really, what do you think God's mission is for you. "I told you, taking care of you and my family, being a provider" I said I am sorry that is all he feels his life is and how sad that must be. And I went down into the basement and cried for a good 30 min., he didn't have a clue or seemed to care that is where I was.  He did mentition that the only real plus about that house is the option to buy and knowing that it would one day be ours but we will not be able to do it because we don't have the money to move or money for a despot. Sophia started talking to him about what he wanted for Christmas and he said you are only getting one thing, if that, because what ever money we will have from his vacation check is going to pay for mommy to get new teeth. So that upset Sophia cuz Josh didn't want to talk about Christmas.  He went to bed just before 10 and I stayed up intending to maybe write some and then take a shower and go to bed myself but I fell asleep on the couch 15 after he went to bed.  

I had to take him to school today so I would have the van to go to the nurse practitioner's appointment.  I resigned myself to not keep feeding what ever was on me last night and be normal with my husband and have some cheer.  I decided that what ever happens I will be content and God has to have a plan.  I thought I would not let Satan get a foot hold and have more fun with my marriage.  After I got back home Josh called me from school and said, we may just have to take that house, since it is in IL and unemployment is double what they pay here in MO.  The rumor is at school that the Industrial Class (and he is required to take and pass) that is normally done over a 6 week period once a week is going to be changed and that in it will be everyday in Jan. and the school is going to get together with the companies that employ the apprentices and ask them to lay the students off so they will be able to attend.  So that would be a whole month in January no work!  Josh said that I should start looking for a job now so we will have that to fall back on when it happens.  I told him we knew Jan would be slow, it was last year too.  We made it by.  He said ya but the new company he was with promised him they was going to be busy threw the winter and put him to work so he would be missing out on that. I was in a rush cuz I was getting ready for my appointment and getting the kids off on the bus. 

After the kids got off I started to look up temp agencies, knowing that I am not qualified for hardly anything, but at least I could call and try and make him happy and get us some peace back.  I got lost on the web looking and also realized I don't have a resume even.  So I started to look in my Word Program for the resume wizard and dang be it I cannot find it for nothing.  Time was escaping and I had to get me and the girls ready to leave fast.  We got all dressed and ready, buckled in to the van, I went to turn the key and nothing!  I had left the lights on this morning and killed the battery.  I had to be at my appointment in 20 min.  I tried to call Amy to see if she could give me a jump, plus she had said it was OK for her to watch the girls while I was at the appointment, but NO ANSWER.. I was really annoyed, she always says yes but then falls threw.  I did get hold of her and told her about the van and that I needed a jump but she didn't have cables. end of that.  I did some digging in the garage and found cables and pulled our wagon that has been sitting for two months and tried to figure out how to do it myself.  I had to call Josh and ask him how to hook the cables up and also how do you get the hood up for the van, I tried and didn't realize there was a second release on the grill.  So I did all that and still no go, would not work.  I tried all morning, missing my appointment and also any chance of going up the kids school for the assembly they had for the Vets.  Zane was going to sing with his choir group.  I did talk with Amy and she said her battery isold and she didn't think it would charge mine so she didn't want to attempt it and drain hers. 

I called and rescheduled my appointment and they could only get me in Friday at 10:30. Ofcourse they couldn't fit me in tomorrow, when Josh will be home cuz of the Holiday and I wont have to take him to work so I can have the van! HAS to be on a day he works and when all the kids will be home, they are off Friday from school for some reason.  Josh is able to find a ride home he said but he has to give the guy gas money since he lives no where near us. (more money we don't have)  

Right now I want to smoke sooo bad.. I am so tempted to do it. Some kinda fell into my lap last weekend but it just been sitting there as I keep barging with myself not to do it and kept busy and had no time away from the kids to do it.  But now I KNOW if I do then I will fail any drug test I may be given for employment, and I have resigned myself to looking and finding something, anything.  Plus when ever I do I feel major guilt about it and conviction (even if it is just a little here and there, not like I am a pot head, but still)  

Lord, YOUR WILL NOT MY OWN.  What ever you have in store for me give me PERFECT PEACE ABOUT IT.  I release these hurts and doubts to you.  Help me find a job and work out all the details.  If I must work Lord please use me there and bring those into my life who you want me to minister to or who can minister to me.  If I have to move Lord, be it your will and not my husband's own will.  Have a plan and purpose for each event and situation that comes up in my life, and help me be content with it all. IN JESUS NAME I PRAY. AMEN.

Lyrics to new song.. goes with my up and coming post

I know I have posted this song in the past.  If you want to hear it you have to come to my journal, not just link to the entry but come to where the body of the journal is.  This song goes along with a post I am going to write.  lol soundtrack of my life... UGH but I had to upload it to my other screen name.. I have such little space left on this one for the FTP.   Voice of Truth
Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand.

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says, "This is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will chose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand.

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again, "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will chose to listen to the voice of truth

Come here the song that goes along with that last post!

Casting Crowns: If We Are The Body

 

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girls teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know

CHORUS
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way

A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road

CHORUS
Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ

CHORUS
Jesus is the way

Fellowship vs Worship and Nurse Practitioner???

I went up to church last night for the prayer meeting we hold each week and it was just awesome! There was only three of us and all women so you know how us women can be a bit chatty.  I think we talked for about two hours before we started to pray and then that was for almost another two.  I really needed this fellwoship.  It seems when ever I try and get up for a prayer service or Wednight service there is something going on at home and I can't make it.. it has been like that all summer.  I have felt slightly disconected to the church and some of the changes going on because I wasn't totaly privey to the details and the whys.  But I am excited and lastnight was like a reconection with some really wonderful sisters in the Lord.

Amy has been my closest friend for the last summer and she is not the most solid person in the Lord so I was very hungry for that one on one time with others who could be uplifting and help feed my soul.  NOT that Amy doesn't love the Lord, but she is kinda refered to as a baby Christian and not very mature as of yet.  SHe can be more negitive than positive and that sometimes rubs off on to me.  She hardly goes to church yet she fully says she wants to be a member there and that she loves the teaching and the leardership.  But then she said something I felt was very hurtful yesterday.. it wasn't a personal attack or anything but something of an observation she said she had but I did not agree with. 

 The Christmas Dinner is coming up and each year children's church puts on a skit or a play or a musical. It is a bit differnt each year but each child gets some lines or a part.  Since Amy's had been going here and there and she said that she wanted to be a member her kids was given small lines also.  I was given the note cards two Sundays ago with my kids and her kids lines.  I can't remember the last time Amy and I went to church at the same time, but she wasn't there when they was handed out so I was ask to give them to her.  I put them on my fridge and forgot about them until the middle of last week and told Amy about it and invited her to come Sunday.  Well she did not come this past Sunday and I was asked by the children's church teacher if her kids planned on being part of the play or not and if not she needed to know so she could give the lines to some one else.  That's fair I think.  So I told this to Amy yesterday.  "Well I'm not even sure if the kids want to be in it" she said.  "Why not? They did great when they was in the musical for that hoe-down dinner we had over the summer and had fun"I said.  "Well that is differnt this is serious" she said.  I gave a laugh and said it's only a few lines not such a big deal.  This is when she goes into well my kids are not sure they want to be in children's church and I am not sure about the congragatioin.. they seem clickish to me and not wanting to let outsiders in.  My jaw dropped.  I can see how this may true of some churches but not mine.  I know for a fact every Sunday she has come she has been greeted and talked with and invited to things but her being shy or busy or what ever refuses to take part.  I asked her specificly why she felt that way  and who specificly, and she had mentchend the kids was mean to her kids at children's church so I asked who.  She said it's not the leardership or the teaching at all but just everyone else. It is a vibe I picked up and I think other visiters do also and that is why they don't come back.  Well I think this is untrue but if it is the case it is not right and should be changed indeed.  I exlpained to her that a lot of the ppl there are related in some way or another so they are closer but other than that I don't see them NOT talking to people that are new.  I have invited her to women's meetings and home fellowship groups so she could get to know ppl more but she always has something going on.  So you can see how this has given me a very heavy heart, for one alreay feeling slightly disconected because I do not attend as regulary and then this friend of mine saying she doesn't fit in there.  I have been a Christian for going on 5 yrs now and this is the only church I know of as a home church since being born again.  I have visted other churchs and I do notice the differnaces, my church I think is unique in many ways and I love every person there like natural family but besides all that I do not go to church just for fellowship or making friends and socializing.. I go there to Worship and to be fed the Word so that I may grow in the Lord. Both are important I think and you have to have both to have a healthy church and to have your soul prosper.  I have heard a saying that a church is not a country club for saints but a hospital for sinners and I totaly agree with that.  Relationships will come in time, they have to develop and you have to be willing to invest some of your time in to it, if you can't do that then don't complain you are being excluded or there are clicks (when there are not) Go not just for the people but for the teaching if it is correct from the Word and learn and grow that way.  I remember when I first started going it took me over a year to learn peoples names and put a face to the names in the directery.. not that we have a big church by any means, I was just shy and a bit lazy too.  But in time I grew to love each person for who they was, my brother or sister in the Lord and see past inperfections.  I am not perfect I can not expect other to be as well.  If you are offended by something or some one, then go and talk it out, dont gossip behind ppls backs.  I know how Amy has talked about other churches that her other friends have gone to and all she can do is point out thier faults, I don't recall ever hearing her say positive things about other churches, so now I have to wonder if she is doing the same with mine when she talks to others about ME and MY home church.  I will just have to pray for the Lord to give me wisdom and to help me not to be offended by her and to just love her.  To be a friend even if we can not agree.  It is not like I am her friend Just because she wants to go to my church or even because she professes to be a Christian.  Still it stings a bit.

ANY WAY that was not the org. post I had planned but obviously it was bothering me and I needed to get it out. I wanted to update on my health issue.  I asked one of the ladies from church last night if she could recomend a good OBGYN and why.  She gave me her doctor's # but warned me she is hard to get into see for just a check up.  I told her I was hopping that if I expained the thing on my inner thigh I would get in faster than normal. 

I was so proud of myself for calling the number promtly this morning and not being scard or shy when talking to the receptionist on the other end.  I hate making apointments and just talking to ppl I don't know on the phone for busness purposes in general.  My mom and husband used to always do that for me until Josh told me to get over my phobiea cuz I was just being silly and lazy.   Really I was not.. fear would grip me each time I had to make an apointment or call a company for something.. I always felt like I would not know the proper things to say and do or say something wrong and be judged for it by the person on the other end of the line (as if I should care but I did). Over the years I have become better and better and I know the edict now and all that so I have more confidance in these little things.  Anyway after being put on hold twice I was finaly gotten to and I asked if the doctor was taking on new patience and if she took my insurance. Yes and Yes but routine check ups she had no openings untill Febuary.  FEBUARY! I explained to her that I needed to be seen and what I found while showering Sat. and that last night in my sleep it started to oozz puss and some blood. (NASTY AND EMBARASSING TO EXPLAIN)  She asked if I wanted to see a nurse practitioner. Um I guess (but that isn't a doctor) so I have an apointment with one tomorrow at 10:15.  I would go into rant mode about how crappy it is to only be seen by a nurse and not a doctor and how I miss my old one that I had.  I would go to him but he is 45 min away, but I know if I asked he would see me right away.  So what is the differnace between a doctor and a nurse RN and nurse practitiner??? Lots of schooling I think and salerary.  For some reason or another I think I would have more confidance and be reasured if I could see a Doctor.  Guess I don't have a choice and have to take what I can get.