Satan.. GET THY BEHIND ME! AND SHUT UP! I will listion to the voice of TRUTH.

This is the post that goes along with the song I have up in the body of my Journal so make sure not to just link to this entry or read it in alerts

 

Ohh I had such a nasty spirit on me yesterday!  Josh had called me on a break and insisted I called down to the union hall and speak with the ladies in charge of the benefits to make sure a nurse practitioner was covered.. I just assume they are and why make an extra call.. BUT I did it and yep they are.  I waited and waited for him to call me back so I could shove it in his face that I was right.  He didn't call till he was on his way home from work.  Then he started talking about that house over in Caseyville, he has been looking up the statistics on it and what the cost of living would be and bla bla bla.. Oh and that he had talked to Rick and said that we would want to see a lease agreement and the details about the option to buy before we really could consider it. I told him I do not want to move at all but I do want to be open to the Lord and be a good wife also.  I told him that we prayed about it like he asked at the prayer meeting and that I asked if anyone felt the sprit talk to them about it either way. No one did but one did pray that if it was not God's will he would put up road blocks to us moving and if it was that it would be smooth as silk.  I also told him I prayed that I wanted to Go WHERE EVER HE SENDS ME, to be an obedient servant to the Lord, but I had to know it was of God and not just us getting the moving itch.  Josh didn't let me finish telling him that it was also said that if we are to move something Big had to be in Caseyville for God to bring us there. (that excites me) I did say "HEY isn't Caseyville like a 10 min drive from Granite City. Ohh if we do move over there YOU KNOW I would be over at that clinic about everyday. You will not be able to keep me away. (Granite City has a notorious abortion clinic that specializes in late turn abortions... I have been down there before to pray in front of the building with other pro-lifers but Josh didn't like it and barred me from goingagain.  I knew he wouldn't like that.  He said NO YOU WILL NOT be, you will be working.. I said what? NO I will be getting ready to go to school, and then he said no you have to work for 2yrs before you can go to school.. contrary to the plan we had discussed before. But we got into it when I made the comment that it seemed to me that a move to Caseyville would not be a step up but a step back, compared to where we live now. And that I really don't want to pull the kids out of school in the middle of the year.  Josh threw back in my face "OH is that like when you said you are above factory work".. That really stung and I was silenced but it pissed me off badly.. I did say that along time ago and yes we have been going round and round again about me getting a job, I said I would but really haven't been looking and he kinda dropped it.

    So after that I started hearing the voice.. He is right, you know he thinks you are no good as a house wife, you are no good, and he is better off without you, let him leave you and find a better women.  He deserves better. And how can you go to work without it being a crappie job and you hating, what kind of job can you get, you are no good, you have no skills, you have not worked in 4 yrs. NO ONE is going to want you.

Then I heard my self say FINE! I WILL SHOW HIM, AND TAKE SOME STUPID FACTORY JOB, HATE IT AND BE MISERABLE, HE DON'T CARE ABOUT ME, I AM A LAZY BITCH.  WHY CANT HE BE CONTENT WHERE HE IS? WHERE WE LIVE AND HOW WE LIVE! I DON'T NEED THINGS, A SECOND CAR OR CABLE OR EVEN OWN MY OWN HOUSE (YET I WONT GIVE UP MY INTERNET) WOULD BE NICE BUT I DON'T NEED THINGS... WE HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR WITH ME STAYING HOME! WHY CAN'T HE BE CONTENT?!  

I finally had to say out loud to the voices in my head SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!  

 I really cried and pouted in my room and was in a get away from me mood when he got home. He knew I was upset and didn't leave it, he had to rib on me using the kids.  He got talking about school with the little ones, and said if mommy goes to work you know you would go to preschool.  That got them excited, they want to go to school so bad but then Lilly said "DAD! You go to work and mommy stays home with us. Silly"  Then as I was making dinner (early and it was delicious btw) I was looking at my Purpose Driven Life Calendar, reading what it said for November

"Made For A Mission, God is at work in the world, and He wants you to join Him.  This assignment is called your mission. God wants you to have both a ministry in the Body of Christ and a mission in the world.. Fulfilling your mission in the world is God's fifth purpose for your life.. You are the only Christian some people will ever know, and your mission is to share Jesus with them"

As I was reading it I was pretty much ignoring my husband, on the verge of tears, he saw me looking at the calendar and wanted to know what I was looking at.  So I read him what it said, knowing he was not in the mood for Godly things and that he wouldn't really get it.  I asked him so what do you think YOUR PURPOSE IS?  And he gave me the syndical comment of "Keeping you in soda and cigarettes and dsl since you wont work. I said no really, what do you think God's mission is for you. "I told you, taking care of you and my family, being a provider" I said I am sorry that is all he feels his life is and how sad that must be. And I went down into the basement and cried for a good 30 min., he didn't have a clue or seemed to care that is where I was.  He did mentition that the only real plus about that house is the option to buy and knowing that it would one day be ours but we will not be able to do it because we don't have the money to move or money for a despot. Sophia started talking to him about what he wanted for Christmas and he said you are only getting one thing, if that, because what ever money we will have from his vacation check is going to pay for mommy to get new teeth. So that upset Sophia cuz Josh didn't want to talk about Christmas.  He went to bed just before 10 and I stayed up intending to maybe write some and then take a shower and go to bed myself but I fell asleep on the couch 15 after he went to bed.  

I had to take him to school today so I would have the van to go to the nurse practitioner's appointment.  I resigned myself to not keep feeding what ever was on me last night and be normal with my husband and have some cheer.  I decided that what ever happens I will be content and God has to have a plan.  I thought I would not let Satan get a foot hold and have more fun with my marriage.  After I got back home Josh called me from school and said, we may just have to take that house, since it is in IL and unemployment is double what they pay here in MO.  The rumor is at school that the Industrial Class (and he is required to take and pass) that is normally done over a 6 week period once a week is going to be changed and that in it will be everyday in Jan. and the school is going to get together with the companies that employ the apprentices and ask them to lay the students off so they will be able to attend.  So that would be a whole month in January no work!  Josh said that I should start looking for a job now so we will have that to fall back on when it happens.  I told him we knew Jan would be slow, it was last year too.  We made it by.  He said ya but the new company he was with promised him they was going to be busy threw the winter and put him to work so he would be missing out on that. I was in a rush cuz I was getting ready for my appointment and getting the kids off on the bus. 

After the kids got off I started to look up temp agencies, knowing that I am not qualified for hardly anything, but at least I could call and try and make him happy and get us some peace back.  I got lost on the web looking and also realized I don't have a resume even.  So I started to look in my Word Program for the resume wizard and dang be it I cannot find it for nothing.  Time was escaping and I had to get me and the girls ready to leave fast.  We got all dressed and ready, buckled in to the van, I went to turn the key and nothing!  I had left the lights on this morning and killed the battery.  I had to be at my appointment in 20 min.  I tried to call Amy to see if she could give me a jump, plus she had said it was OK for her to watch the girls while I was at the appointment, but NO ANSWER.. I was really annoyed, she always says yes but then falls threw.  I did get hold of her and told her about the van and that I needed a jump but she didn't have cables. end of that.  I did some digging in the garage and found cables and pulled our wagon that has been sitting for two months and tried to figure out how to do it myself.  I had to call Josh and ask him how to hook the cables up and also how do you get the hood up for the van, I tried and didn't realize there was a second release on the grill.  So I did all that and still no go, would not work.  I tried all morning, missing my appointment and also any chance of going up the kids school for the assembly they had for the Vets.  Zane was going to sing with his choir group.  I did talk with Amy and she said her battery isold and she didn't think it would charge mine so she didn't want to attempt it and drain hers. 

I called and rescheduled my appointment and they could only get me in Friday at 10:30. Ofcourse they couldn't fit me in tomorrow, when Josh will be home cuz of the Holiday and I wont have to take him to work so I can have the van! HAS to be on a day he works and when all the kids will be home, they are off Friday from school for some reason.  Josh is able to find a ride home he said but he has to give the guy gas money since he lives no where near us. (more money we don't have)  

Right now I want to smoke sooo bad.. I am so tempted to do it. Some kinda fell into my lap last weekend but it just been sitting there as I keep barging with myself not to do it and kept busy and had no time away from the kids to do it.  But now I KNOW if I do then I will fail any drug test I may be given for employment, and I have resigned myself to looking and finding something, anything.  Plus when ever I do I feel major guilt about it and conviction (even if it is just a little here and there, not like I am a pot head, but still)  

Lord, YOUR WILL NOT MY OWN.  What ever you have in store for me give me PERFECT PEACE ABOUT IT.  I release these hurts and doubts to you.  Help me find a job and work out all the details.  If I must work Lord please use me there and bring those into my life who you want me to minister to or who can minister to me.  If I have to move Lord, be it your will and not my husband's own will.  Have a plan and purpose for each event and situation that comes up in my life, and help me be content with it all. IN JESUS NAME I PRAY. AMEN.