*Now that I got the music thing figured out expect it to change often or if I get lazy hardly at all lol. I will update my about me section with the song title and if I know the artist them too. "My Jesus" I put in today because we sang a version of it at church and I thought I would share.*
I lay myself out here pretty openly, I show the good and the bad. Why? I don't know, I reason it as showing and living my life and faith, how I deal with life and how my relationship with Christ plays into it all. An on going testimony or something to that effect. I am not perfect and I know that a lot of ppl hold Christians to a higher standard (and that is right because we are supposed to be an example) but I also wanted to show brothers and sisters that I too share in their struggles and we are not alone. Just because you become a Christian life doesn't become perfect, but it sure does become so much more then what it was before. Every one is in a different place in their walk with him and their maturity. I know I sure do have a lot of growing to do but even if I am not the most knowledgeable or mature doesn't mean God cannot use me and honestly that is my heart's cry, Lord Use ME for your purpose, get me into a place where I have the servant's heart and that I can yield to your Spirit. GROW ME UP IN YOU. Is what I often ask when I am asking.
That said, I have become growing aware that there is this complacency in my life, my fire or light is just not burning as it used to. I think back to some of the stuff I wrote a year ago, and how I used to be on so many levels and I am amazed that came from me compared to today and how my walk has been going. I don't know about back sliding and all that, if that is what you can call it. I have from time to time fallen back into old patterns instead of stepping forward into Holiness. Feeling like I've been in a deep valley for a while now. How does this happen? I would like to pin point when it started so I can put the blame on someone or something but really the blame starts with ME. I know how and I have to confess it. Because I have been feeding my flesh side more than my spiritual side. There is a saying that there is this war going on inside of you, like two dogs fighting, flesh Vs spirit, the one you feed the most is the one that will always win out because that one is the strongest.
Well, I am here to say there has to be a change within me! A heart change, a mind set change, a change in my attitude towards God and my family. Time to wake up out of this fog, this haze I have allowed the enemy to put me under. I heard him loud and clear today saying WAKE UP MARY DRAW CLOSER TO ME. No not an audible voice but I know when the spirit is talking to me and bring on conviction. I know there is so much more out there than this just getting by with as little as possible effort like I have been doing. I know I can do nothing on my own and any changes have to be made by God in my heart but I know it all starts with me saying yes and drawing closer to him, walking it the spirit, instead of walking in my old ugly flesh. To actually be active in searching out God instead of waiting for him to drop by here and there for a chat and a cup of tea.
I hear it right now.. Who is saying "Mary where is all this coming from, you are such a spiritual person already and you do touch people more than you think"? lol Thanks. But God knows my heart better than even I do and if he is telling me I have to change and to wake up, then I better do it and yield to Him. I confess I have not prayed like used to, I have not been actively seeking him, I have not dug deep in the Word in some time, I hardly read at all anymore. I confess that I have been a lazy child and when He comes up in conversations sometimes I do not make it clear where I am coming from and Who he is and why. Instead of bringing people to the Lord and shinning I have turned my back and said "oh someone else will be sent to do the work" THAT IS SHAMEFUL! I confess that I have allowed others to influence me and I have fed into negative gossip and other worldly behavior, I have not been a good steward of what he has given me. I have at times put my own wants and needs ahead of my husband's and children's needs, basic needs. I have been very selfish. I have not prayed like I know I should for those who ask for it, I do the generic prayer and move on to whatever when I should be putting my whole attention to that person's request, thinking, oh He knows what they need and I don't need to partition him and what not.. For someone who calls herself a Prayer Warrior that is just sad and a big disservice to the person who trusts me to enough to share the request in the first place. When I find myself resentful and jealous of brothers and sisters who are operating in their gifts and being used by God and thinking.. why doesn't he do that with me or threw me.. I know there is something wrong. When my first reaction is to hold someone back instead of encourage, something is wrong.
I know to some this may seem like I am strongly railing on myself and they may not understand where all this is coming from. But it is just me doing some deep soul mirroring, and not liking what I am seeing. I have avoided it for too long, not looking at myself and examining my motives and my relationships, because I KNEW it would not be pretty. But now I know and I can give it over to HIM. I know new beginnings can start at anytime and I should stop putting it off. Today is the Day of my salvation. Every day. It wasn't just some date on the calendar that happened on a Sunday. Being a Christian is not something you do once a week and worship is not just done in a sancuary.. it is how you live your life day in and day out. I used to know that down pat and walked in it. Far too long my life has not been an act of worship and glorifying to the Lord and I am asking him to help me and to change me.
This post went in a different direction then I had planned. If I had written about what I wanted maybe you could see why all that came about. LOL but charter limit and not wanting to hold your attention for too much longer prevents me from writing. Maybe I will tomorrow.
Yes share it openly if you wish It helps sometimes. We all go thru this sometimes for short times nad osmetimes for longer. I think moms and women have it hard. We always put others ahead ofourselves and yet that cuases us to loose time with God and we get busy. So then we get selfish for soemthign anything for oursevlves and sometimes it s not the right thing. We dont have to be perfect. God Knew we were not or he would not have made a way even as far back as adam and eve to get redemption. We have cycles and hormones nad they take away from our time and daily life. SO much now days. Its ahrd t o find out place. Ifind it increasingly hard.Todd says he wnats to see me worship like I use to in servivce. Right now I Have a cloud over my head and heart. I wrote about that in my jrouanl. First time ever. Ijsut cant when I have this guilt and big piece of me with a hole. Im not whole. HOwever I do I have to work thru it. But now is not the time. IT has to be Gods time and he has to do it. WHEN Hes ready I am. we cant run full steam ahead always. We willl blow out or burn out. I LOVE GOD I know it I feel it. As long as that is there I know I m okay. I tear up on certian songs. I cant sing certian songs becuase of tearing up. But I just cant break free or cut loose right now. If you wnat a song to be so that it does not pop up with the journal or if you wnat it to be so it does not slow down those on landlines phone lines there is a way to add it tyour jorunal so people have to click on it to make it play. I did it with mine. Its so much easier on those who have slow connections. Plus then someone does not have to hear the song each time. Or they can listen to it and then read. Often I cant read and hear the song I want to sing it in my head LOL But let me know and I ll send you the email to copy and paste the link so you put it in each entry. Lori
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