Friday, October 27, 2006

Frazzle Dazzled.. Pray for me

How can it be Friday already???????!!!!!!

I am supposed to give this big, emotional, spirit filled speech/testimony tomorrow night and I am so not prepared!  It seems like every time I sit down to figure out what I am going to say and how to say it I get distracted or plainly just avoid doing the work to prepare like I know I should.  It is not like I have never done this before and I know in a nut shell what to say and how to be lead by the spirit, but it feels like my nerves are working over time on me about this event. 

Last night I could not sleep, as much as I tried because my hubby was finally home and in bed next to me.  But I kept tossing and turning and praying and crying as things ran threw my head and heart.  Finally at around 3:30 or so I went down stairs to the computer to read some of my past writings, knowing that all the information I will need is in my files.  BUT, I could not find my files that are all related to the articles and statistics and my past speeches!! I took a better part of an hour looking in every single word file I have on my computer.. and nothing.  It is as if any file that had the word abortion in it was deleted, vanished.  I know where it was the last time I pulled it up (months ago) and I know I did not deleted all those files.. nor any one in my family that shares this computer.. call me paranoid now.. it is like the enemy came in and wiped it all away!!!  JUST THOSE SPESIFIC FILES!!  Thankfully the bulk of my writings have shown up  here in my journal and webpages and it just takes a bit of searching of three years of entries to find what I need.

I started to type out my testimony, and what was on my heart and at about page three and six in the morning Josh came down asking what I was still doing up.  I am not even close to being finished and as I read and reread it, it just doesn't convey what I want to say, it feels like a dry, bitter, narrative of the has a strong start but I am stuck.  It is partly because I am questioning myself.. why does anyone want to hear me, what do I really have to say that is meaningful.. Why does the Lord want to use me... I feel worse than Moses, I feel very inadequate right now.When I agreed to do this speaking engagement I knew it was of the Lord and was very excited but right now I am feeling like a fool and un confidant, knowing full well that these are all negative thoughts being thrown at me to discourage me and that I should keep pushing threw with prayer and drawing on the Lord's strength.

It is a rainy gloomy day that reflects the inner storm going on with me right now.  Because I couldn't sleep last night I have been snoozing most of the day.  I was supposed to do the major grocery shopping for the week today.. didn't get done.  I do have most of what the kids need for the sleep overs they are going to tonight ready, that is a plus.  Josh and I are supposed to go out tonight since we have all the kids out of the house and he is also taking me out tomorrow night to a party with some of the guys and the wives from his work.  You would think I would be so ecstatic about all that and looking forward to getting out.  I am and I want to take full advantage of the time alone with him and a chance to cut loose but I guess I just don't feel worthy of two nights out in a row, that I am too lazy to warrant it.  That I don't deserve to enjoy myself until I know what I need to get done is done.

I know it will all work out even better than I can hope for, because The Lord My God is in control.  I am going to stop feeding these doubts and the spirit of anxiety right now!



  1. I am sure the words will come when you need them, you will be guided exactly what to say.

  2. I will be praying for you, hon.  Will ask the Lord to annoint the words He wants you to use and in doing so, pour out that annointing upon you.  His love will be sufficient for you and will bring Him all the praise and all the glory.  And of course you deserve the two nights out - every couple does - if it didn't get done today, it will get done another day.  Coupleness is one of the examples we want to set for our children.  Go for it!  Love and blessings, Penny

  3. Mary- Be still, and know that He is God!  Be still, honey!!!  Don't let all of this get you down- it could just be the devil up to his tricks-  If you haven't finished your speech, or are not satisfied with it, just speak your heart.  Touch on the main points of what you were planning on talking about, and let the Lord's peace and comfort give you the words.  I know it's easy for me to say all this, it's not me having to do this- but I know it will work out for you- you are doing such an amazing thing.  I'm so proud of you- even just through J land, but you really are an amazing woman Mary- and know that God is with you all the way!!  I won't wish luck for you, just His peace and strength!  Love Carolyn- lot's of hugs to you sister!!!

  4. Hey Mary! I was praying for you and it dawned on me that maybe the Lord just wants your heart words in this speech and not necessarily the statistics and such that usually accompany this type of speech. I know he will give you the words to speak and that your speech will be blessed and conveyed the way the Lord wants it to. Just let Him wrap you in His loving arms when your time comes to speak and he will whisper the words He wants the audience to hear...... Im praying for it and I cant wait to hear about it when your ready to ya girly,

  5. It is quite likely that you are going to be used to touch some hearts that The Enemy doesn't want touched.  Like you said yourself, you know what you're going to say.  I feel sure that when you rise to speak the Spirit will give you peace and calm and the how to say it.  -  Barbara

  6. You will do well. I know you speak from the heart so, your speach will be a "knock out". Regards, Bill.

  7. Can't wait to hear how it all works out!!  Be sure and let us know.  Hugs,

  8. I hope your speech went well! You'll have to update us when you have a chance. I know it's scary to get in front of people <ok for me it is, I prefer the recluse nature of a writer>

    I'm sure it went well, for some reason I envision you smiling alot, using a strong voice and having everyone mesmerized by your words. Thats the person I have you made out to be from your writing....captivating