How can it be Friday already???????!!!!!!
I am supposed to give this big, emotional, spirit filled speech/testimony tomorrow night and I am so not prepared! It seems like every time I sit down to figure out what I am going to say and how to say it I get distracted or plainly just avoid doing the work to prepare like I know I should. It is not like I have never done this before and I know in a nut shell what to say and how to be lead by the spirit, but it feels like my nerves are working over time on me about this event.
Last night I could not sleep, as much as I tried because my hubby was finally home and in bed next to me. But I kept tossing and turning and praying and crying as things ran threw my head and heart. Finally at around 3:30 or so I went down stairs to the computer to read some of my past writings, knowing that all the information I will need is in my files. BUT, I could not find my files that are all related to the articles and statistics and my past speeches!! I took a better part of an hour looking in every single word file I have on my computer.. and nothing. It is as if any file that had the word abortion in it was deleted, vanished. I know where it was the last time I pulled it up (months ago) and I know I did not deleted all those files.. nor any one in my family that shares this computer.. call me paranoid now.. it is like the enemy came in and wiped it all away!!! JUST THOSE SPESIFIC FILES!! Thankfully the bulk of my writings have shown up here in my journal and webpages and it just takes a bit of searching of three years of entries to find what I need.
I started to type out my testimony, and what was on my heart and at about page three and six in the morning Josh came down asking what I was still doing up. I am not even close to being finished and as I read and reread it, it just doesn't convey what I want to say, it feels like a dry, bitter, narrative of the events..it has a strong start but I am stuck. It is partly because I am questioning myself.. why does anyone want to hear me, what do I really have to say that is meaningful.. Why does the Lord want to use me... I feel worse than Moses, I feel very inadequate right now.When I agreed to do this speaking engagement I knew it was of the Lord and was very excited but right now I am feeling like a fool and un confidant, knowing full well that these are all negative thoughts being thrown at me to discourage me and that I should keep pushing threw with prayer and drawing on the Lord's strength.
It is a rainy gloomy day that reflects the inner storm going on with me right now. Because I couldn't sleep last night I have been snoozing most of the day. I was supposed to do the major grocery shopping for the week today.. didn't get done. I do have most of what the kids need for the sleep overs they are going to tonight ready, that is a plus. Josh and I are supposed to go out tonight since we have all the kids out of the house and he is also taking me out tomorrow night to a party with some of the guys and the wives from his work. You would think I would be so ecstatic about all that and looking forward to getting out. I am and I want to take full advantage of the time alone with him and a chance to cut loose but I guess I just don't feel worthy of two nights out in a row, that I am too lazy to warrant it. That I don't deserve to enjoy myself until I know what I need to get done is done.
I know it will all work out even better than I can hope for, because The Lord My God is in control. I am going to stop feeding these doubts and the spirit of anxiety right now!