Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The first time I talked about it after becoming a Christian...

Sophia was a baby (abouts 8yrs ago) when God opened a can of worms, or tore open my heart I guess you could say. I had been a brand new baby Christian for maybe two years or so, if that. I was one of those radical conversions, on fire, eating up the Word like food I could not live with out, a faithful church goer and making mostly friends at church since my "old" friends rejected me. I was well on my way to being a Jesus Freak. I was learning forgiveness and letting hurts of my past go, allowing God to change me from glory to glory, getting to KNOW, not just know about but actually KNOW Jesus, learning how to walk the walk. There is a reason "Lover Of My Soul" is my favioret praise and worship song. All my life I had been searching for that love, breaking all 10 commandments in the process. When God told me he LOVED ME, even with my past, that he loved me not for my looks or for what deeds I could or could not do for him, just because I was his child, his creation, and that he longed for me, even died for me, it was life changing.

Of course humans don't have or give that perfect love, even Christians. And we have trouble seeing our self and sometimes others threw God's eyes. You see I had this deep deep wound, I had berried it so far down, a thing so terrible I avoided it all together. I never talked about it with my new Christian friends, just couldn't bring myself to it and if it didn't come up in conversation, I wasn't going to be the one to bring that topic up. It may be partly because it was drilled into me never to talk about it, act like it didn't happen, because others would judge me and look on me poorly. It was one of those hurts I held back from, thinking foolishly deep down I could be forgiven for every past transgression but this ONE BIG ONE. But God, who loves me so much, wanted me to face that pain, so he could heal me and then use me to be a light to others. He was about to set me on that path of freedom.

A friend of mine, a mentor if you will, had me and another one of her friends over so the kids could play and us ladies could have some fellowship time. She was so concerned over her sister in law who recently found out she was pregnant and freaking on how to tell it to tell her parents and was considering an abortion. For the most part I bit my lip, didn't even know what to say all that was racing threw me. How could I explain the fear that was rising up in me, the sadness, or how I wished that pain on no one? Then as we were doing dishes.. or should I say I was watching them do dishes and hanging in the background I heard these dear friends of mine almost mocking women who do have an abortion and all the excuses they use..who could be that stupid, that depraved to kill their own child, almost laughing about it. Who could tell themselves this is an ok thing to do, who could believe it would help solve their problems, who could believe it is better to kill a baby then give it up for adoption, or that any amount of money is worth a life growing or this is an easy solution? Oh my, my heart broke so deeply right then and there. I don't think they were being malicious but there was lack of compassion and understanding that I didn't expect to see from them.

I can only say it was the Holy Spirit that day when I finally spoke up in my friend's kitchen. Their backs were to me as they were doing the washing and I softly said... "but that is what I told myself when I had mine" and a tear fell from my eye. These sisters of mine turned to me with such shock and genuine shame in their eyes for all they had been saying. I don't know if they ever personally knew a women who had had an abortion but I think that encounter changed some attitudes. And then later I asked if it would help if I talked to the sister in law about what she was thinking, that maybe if she heard first hand what it was like she would choose to keep the baby. That took courage for me because I was no where ready to have that kind of conversation. And I didn't have to be the one to talk with her, she went to a Pregnancy Resource Center and got counseling on the matter.

But for me that bandage that had been holding that big gash in my heart together came off and I had to do something to deal with it.

1 comment:

  1. This entry brought tears to my eyes because it must have been so difficult to bare your soul as you did to bring to light the reality of what causes desperate women to seek abortions. Jesus saved me when my mentally ill husband tortured me for 5 hours and then put his hands around my throat to kill. All pain ceased, I was on the verge of death as Jesus came down in a light just at that moment, and my ex husband saw the light of ecstacy in my eyes, knowing I would soon be with Christ. And he threw me down on the bed and said, "I would kill you but it wouldn't do any good." I thought that was his way of saying he had seen in my eyes that I would have eternal life through the love of Christ. I thought that the only way I was saved was through love of Christ that I would not repudiate even if I was murdered. I clung to the thought of Stephan being stoned to death for his beliefs and seeing Christ as he died. In this way he bore witness through his death to the power of Christ to save. How wonderful that you were seeking eternal life through all your pain and had the courage to speak about these difficult matters.