Friday, January 16, 2009

There is Hope, There is Healing, There is Forgivness, part of my story

my memorial to my baby:
2And a certain man lame from his mother's womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms of them that entered into the temple; 3Who seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple asked an alms. 4And Peter, fastening his eyes upon him with John, said, Look on us. 5And he gave heed unto them, expecting to receive something of them. 6Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk.
7And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up: and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength. 8And he leaping up stood, and walked, and entered with them into the temple, walking, and leaping, and praising God.

In so many ways I was that beggar at the gate called Beautiful. My wounds were not physical per say, but I did need healing and looked for outlets begging for a remedy. I could give you statistics and facts about post abortive women (and men) who link depression, drug use, relationship problems, spiritual problems, trouble connecting with children and some who may even abuse future children they may have, or seek a replacement baby, and some who can never have children at all because of that one choice. There is a saying, abortion doesn't solve anything but create more problems, you only end up with a dead child and a wounded mother.

When I had my abortion I was 15, had just moved back to a small town with my family for a "get back on our feet stay" with grandma. I had made the mistake of telling one of my friends about what had happen. I honestly don't remember telling anyone but I do remember my mom saying Don't Ever Talk About It again. God bless my mother, I love her so and have forgiven her for any part she played in the killing of my child but when some one is going threw post traumatic stress.. and that is exactly what it is like for a women/girl after she has gone threw it, the worst thing is to encourage them to stuff it down deep and never talk about it. But that is what I did. And that is normal apparently too.. many women can not face what has happen or what they have done for years after the fact. When they do face it they either become very pro-life or very pro-choice.. depending how they seek to heal.

I'll tell you how it effected me personally. I couldn't look at my family in the eye for a long time, especially my grandmother for some reason. Overwhelming shame but at first relief.. oh this problem is over. But I knew I had become yet another one of the family secrets that doesn't get talk about or if it does just not in front of me. I did get in a fist fight with my bother one time after he called me a baby killer in one of our verbal abuse sessions.. that was ugly. I had a lot of trust issues too, I trusted those who loved me to protect me and they basically lead me like a lamb to slaughter, and deep down I was so angry about that. I was angry and distrusting afterward at the father, who had real no say in the matter besides "dang not again" Apparently I was not the first girl in his life to kill one of his children but he didn't discourage me from it either. He was not the love of my life to say the least, I was on rebound and dealing with family issues when we got involved.. alcohol was in the mix and then I moved away.

I also had problems looking at pregnant women.. one of my friends at the time was almost 6 months along.. new friend and she had no clue what I was going threw, just that I had dropped calling her or being around her. It felt unfair that she got to keep her baby, even though I knew all the reasoning in my head of how I could not have mine, not mature enough, adoption was never even really talked about, we could not afford a baby. I don't remember going to alot of baby showers that is for sure and I don't remember being much of a babysitter after that or being into holding babies.

I tried to hide out in a hole for awhile but only got yelled at for never coming out of my room, that's not healthy and a sign of depression.. get out and do something.. do some house work. For awhile my mom and grandma tried to get us involved with the Episcopal Church, volunteering and going to confirmation classes. I didn't mind that too much, it was very interesting to me the history of why we do this or that in church but I really didn't come to Know Jesus then. I was too afraid to even speak to the Father of the church about where babies go when they die or how could I possibly atone for what I had done. I was just trying to pass time till I could get out of small town hell. And being involved in church didn't curb my partying at all or me seeking ways of escape, or stop having sex.

I wouldn't of called Zane a replacement baby but me just being another statistic. It was not on purpose but there is a big percent of teenagers who have had an abortion will with in 2years become pregnant again. I felt guilty of yet again messing up and at the worst possible time because my dad had just been diagnosed with lung cancer, but I said I would NEVER go threw what I did that last time and for what ever reason I just knew this child was supposed to be. No, at 17 it was not ideal for me to have a baby but I tell you in many ways he helped save my life. This is what I tell people, you never know what you are capable of until you give yourself the chance.

But I tell you what, going to that first OBGYN appointment was so scary. Should of never gone to a male doctor but I also was just not comfortable, there instruments, the stirrups, even the smell, I tried to push visions of the clinic down from my mind and that is probably why I was not the nicest of patients to have. I don't remember that doctor being very gentle either, he reminded me of the abortionist maybe. Thankfully when we moved I got a wonderful women doctor who I felt more at ease with.

Even after having children I can tell you I may not as close or connected to them as I can be. I love them, love love love them. I am thankful for them. I learn more from them then they may from me at times. But there is a heart break there too that I can't explain. Sometimes I DO push them away. I have four of the sweetest kids that love to give hugs and kisses and be close and just sit and talk about what ever comes up. Sometimes I just can't, that's enough love baby, let momma be for a minuet.

Thoughts that I fight.. that child would be this age, a big sister, what would she of done in this world, how would she be like my other babies, its not fair that my birthday is coming up and she will never have one, all the what if's and wasted possibilities. I grieve for this child. I miss being able to hold her, watch her grow, see the women she would become. And I know that is hard for some to understand, and there is a lack of compassion towards women who have had an abortion. That is one of the big reasons I speak and write, for women like me and maybe as a warning to others who may consider abortion as a way out of a problem.

For a long time I held all this in, didn't know what to do with it, and if you read my previous post about the first time I talked about it after becoming a Christian, you can see why some women may never speak of it, but God ripped it all open for me and I HAD to follow his leading. I didn't know where to start, just that I had to do something. That something was packing up the kids and going down to Granite City and be out there with the ministry that is always down there in front of that notorious clinic. I didn't know how hard that was going to be on me.. watching girls going in and out, knowing the pain that would follow them, knowing a child was thrown out. But on the other hand it was good to see that people who do go down to the clinics to protest or side walk council are not these crazies you read about, or that it is as dangerous as some think. But when my husband found out.. ohhhhh man.. he was not excited for me at all. He made me promise not to go down there again, to find some other out let. He's come a long way since in understanding but in many ways he was right.. I was not ready to be down there like that. My seeking lead me to a local PRC. I wanted to volunteer in anyway possible. But they had me do something even better. I call it one of the most important things I have done in my walk.. a post abortive Bible study with a book and a group of women. We used the book Forgiven and Set Free. Threw that study I learned alot about myself and MY God and it was so healing. I learned that what I went threw and how I reacted.. normal.. I am not alone or crazy, there are so many women hurting like me and feeling like I did. I learned how to forgive myself and the others who played a part in it. I learned it was alright to have the grief that I had and I didn't have to stuff it or hide it or be alone. I learned that when Jesus said on the cross before he let go, "It is Finished" he meant it was done.. the price was paid and I could not ADD or TAKE away from the cross or my salvation. I also learned with every confidence that I will see that child one day in heaven and she will love me and forgive me and I will see her grown as she should of been. I long for that so much and it is such a comfort to know that.

My main message here today I guess is, very likely you know a women who has gone threw an abortion.. you may not know that about them because they don't talk about it but she may be hurting. Or you may be that women hurting and not know where to turn. There is Hope, there is Forgiveness and there is Healing threw Jesus Christ!!

When Jesus was stepping out into his ministry he read from the book of Isaiah chapter 61, and then closed the scroll and said today this scripture has been full filled:

1 “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

That is one of my favorite scriptures because it describes to the letter what Jesus has done for me and the promise of what he will do for others. He healed my broken heart over the murder of my child and other past sins. He set me free from that pain that kept me captive in my own prison cell and free from being a slave to shame. He comforts me when I mourn and assures me of the time he will come back for me. He took the ashes of my life and made it beautiful, better than I could of ever asked for. He has given me such joy. And when I remember to put on the garment of praise.. that heaviness, that ugly spirit that likes to bring us down is lifted. Jesus has done it all, and I love him so much I have to share that love with you and others. I don't have to be that beggar at the gate any longer, I am healed in Jesus Name! So yes I am having a hard time right now but he is here with me doing all the above, and he promises he will do the same for you, if you let him!!


  1. I started crying as I neared the end of this story you are continuing to unfold, as I could not help but think of my sister LaRae who passed. I have had dreams that she took young people she knew who had tragic deaths to live with her a while. I have had all kinds of dreams about her, so I know she lives, she lives. I know that you are going to help with the healing of many young women who have been led down this road through the policies of our country. My mother was able to repent of her abortion and finally find peace and have three more children, but pro choice came into being which I think helped support what my sister had done, so she could not find redemption. That is what I think pro choice has done in my cases, kept women defiant and unable to accept that the killing in abortion is wrong. So they are trapped and can't find redemption. My sister told me before she died that she was deeply deeply depressed. I became alarmed and asked if she couldn't consider professional help, but it was too late. It was not very long until her ovaries were diagnosed as diseased, and the cancer had spread. She was terminal. She was such a talented, witty, intelligent human being that I don't think I woke up happy one day the three years she lived. Parting with her was so hard on her daughters, and her grand children did not really get to know her.
    I feel Jesus is keeping you alive, because you have a great mission on this earth. I feel the world is in such a dark place because of all these deaths. But you are showing the way out of the darkness and that is so important. Thank you. Praise God. I needed to read this because protesting abortion gets to be so hard at times. I did one video and then the second one which was tiitled "Does legalized abortion have some of its origins in racism?" failed to upload 4 times. I became afraid that it had been rejected because of the closeness to the inauguration. I don't know if I am just paranoid. I will wait until another time to talk about this after I have thought it over. I have posted one for Sanctity of Life month. And I want to thank you so much for reminding me. Gerry

  2. I am so sorry for the experience you had to go through as such a young woman. You are just as innocent as your baby was and God has forgiven you. God bless you... Linda

  3. I am so sorry that you had to go though this. Linda