Sunday, September 24, 2006

I am blessed, thankful and Praise God, even for the harder things

Thinking about the blessings in my life and how God has touched me this week.. so many to count.  Interesting to see how when I step out of the negative or unvibrant pattern I have allowed my self to be stuck in for awhile, some may call it a spiritual valley, and I start to draw closer to the Lord, I can recognize his voice much clearer, see those divine things he is doing with me and with in me and how that echoes threw my life to others.

Late Thursday Josh was able to come home but just for over night.  He got home well after the kids were in bed and left before they got up.  It was an unexpected visit and I am happy I had him to my self for a bit.  He did go and kiss and hug each of our children before he left.  I hadn't mentioned to them that daddy had been home that morning when I was getting them off to school and I wondered threw out the day if they would just assume the hugs and kisses were sweet dreams.  Ohh but they did remember and miss him so much and cherish the kiss and hug they got.

Later that day I talked with Josh and he had told me the guy he had rode with back and forth, from there to here, had a serious sezier on the job.  Apparently he is an epileptic but has not had one in over 5 years. The weather was horrible in the area Josh is in that day and the lighting may of been what set it off. I just Praise God and am thankful he did not have it while he was driving and Josh was sleeping on the way back out of town.  I always pray and ask others to pray for my husband when he goes out of town, for his safety and sanity and peace of mind, that his hands would be blessed and all he touches in his occupation would be quality work and ofcourse that he would be drawn closer to God.  I can see those prayers being heard and met.. this is just one instance.

Friday afternoon I got a call from my sister. She said she had gotten a call that our mother had fallen out side of work and was taken to the ER.  They live out of state so it is always hard when something happens and I can not rush to the scene but I prayed and had Peace and was not overly worried about it all.  It turns out mom either fractured her shoulder or tore rotator cuff.. she will know more Monday when she sees the bone doctor.  I was able to talk to her and she sounded like she was in a lot of pain.  Pray for her speedy recovery and ease of pain.  But I amthankful it was not worse than it could of been and she will ultimately be ok.  Her husband always takes good care of her and I know he is serving and doeting on her.

Friday was also a day one of the prayer chain e-mail groups I belong to had a private chat room open for prayer.  People were in and out all day.  I was so blessed to be there and pray with others.  I have gotten out of the habit of praying on line with and for others or even going to chat rooms but this was just awesome and I could feel the Holy Spirit flowing.  I see it as one of those divine appointments, no accident I was there and got to meet new people.

Also Friday the children's midterms came home.  Zane and Annie are all A's and B's.  Lilly I was surprised got letter grades for 1st grade.. the last school district they didn't get letter grades untill 3rd.  Tell me how can some one get a D- in the Vocabulary category but an A- in Comprehension and phonetic skills??  But her and Sophia I need to spend more time on reading and sight words.  Annie has always had a prob with spelling and Lilly seems to be having trouble too. Even though almost every night we study and I make them write the words out 5-10 times and I quiz them.  Ohh and do you know how Annie's spelling test is formatted?!  Multiple choice where they fill in the bubble by the right answer!  I think that may be part of her problem.. she can do it writing it out but to see it mixed with misspelled ones is confusing to her.  They say they have the tests like that because that is how the big state MAP test they take at the end of the year is and they are preparing them for it.   But other than that I am happy with the midterms.. areas to work on and refocus on but it is still yearly in the year.

I have been so lazy lately.. with grocery shopping and stuff.  We have been eating alot of fast food this week because of it. I am sure I have undone what ever weight loss I had accomplished LOL wouldn't really know.. the scale I had has been thrown out.. some one broke it. (meaning one of the kids played with it and broke the digital screen.. not that some one was sooooo fat they broke it LMBO)  I am not in any real hurry to go and get a new one either.  If I feel good and my clothes fit nice.. that is good enough for me. 

Any way.. the reason I was going into about us eating out so much..

Lilly and Sophia drove with me Friday night to get dinner. We went to Hardees and then to the Red Box at Mickey D's for some movies.  On the drive, out of the blue Sophia says, "Mom, I missssssss Beautiful" And she went on and on about it and then started asking questions.  "Arn't you glad we will get to see her one day in heaven. She is so lucky to be with Jesus but I wish I could of known her.. I can't wait to meet her one day" "She would of been my big big sister right?  She was your baby before Zane right?"  "How did she die anyway mommy?"  And this is where Lilly piped in, "shhhhh.. Don't you know mommy always gets sad when she talks about that"


I was caught off guard.. not prepared.. this conversation seemed to of come out of no where. I did my best to talk about it while driving and answer each question.. the last one was the hardest and ofcourse I just said she died before she could be born (in my head I wanted to say the truth, I murdered her, she was ripped out by people who said they were helping me..but instead hurt me but I know that is too harsh of a reality for them) and when Lilly said what she said it really struck me.  I had to tell her it was ok to talk about her, that yes I get sad but its all right, don't be afraid to talk to me about her.  I am happy they do and are aware of this special little life that was cut short.. not just I mourn her but so do the siblings she would of had. 

 It is touching to see how a 5 & 6 yrd pick up on things and how they are so preceptive.  I have told them about Beautiful before, we have had conversations, especially before I do public speaking about it and I have never shyed away from questions.  Ofcourse I never have gone into the deep details with the little ones like I have with Zane and Annie. And usually when we do talk about it I have prepared myself emotionally and mentally.  I wonder what brought on these questions, what was the trigger.  Do they talk about it among themselves? I am sure they do.  But why this particular day were they thinking of her?  I could see if I had been talking about it to some one on the phone or if I was preparing for a speech, or if they had seen me reading about it or visiting her memory webpage.. but I hadn't openly in the last month or so talked about it or dwelled on it with anyone around the children.

I just have to see it as a God thing.  I had just been touching on the subject with a newer friend online that day.. but they did not know about that.  I think God is encouraging me, and if anything maybe it came up just so I could write about it today.

I have written so much about it over the last 3 years.. and I don't want to keep doing the same post over and over.. so if you want to read more about this subject and my experiences, here is a link to a page with links to specific journal entries.  And don't feel shy about asking questions or e-mailing me or IM me about this topic.

I do have a post mulling around in my head about General Hospital, the soap I watch and my thoughts and feelings about the story line where Luke's daughter got one.. but it's not ready for me to write yet.



  1. Why is it that our children ask us important things when we are driving.  ;o)  It's a bit overwhelming and frustrating at the same time.  ::sigh::

    Have a good Sunday.


    Who I am… underneath it all:

    Precious Metal (A Spiritual Journal)

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  2. A lovely posting Mary.  I was uplifted by the prayer room as well. I will have a look at your links later, when we have eaten. I am just waiting for a video to be processed so that I can put it on my journal. I forgot about the aol one.  I shall have to look into that.

  3. I am so very glad that God has been reviving you!  I praise Him for His Faithfulness, watching over Josh and your mom.  Sometimes the questions and comments of a child seem deeper, more truthfilled than any sermon.  They cut through the crap and excuses and go straight to the heart of the matter.  Can be painful, but also very cleansing.  I think God was reminding you that there are still many that need to hear your message and His message of forgiveness.  -  Barbara

  4. Hey Mary- I'm so glad Josh and your Mom are OK- hopefully your Mom will be able to heal quickly.  I do pray for you guys, but will add your Mom to prayers.  I still can't imagine how hard it is for Josh to be away so much- but it really does seem to help you two, (and the kids) appreciate each other more, and to be closer.  As much as I love my two guys, sometimes I wish I could be away from them a day or two (or a week!) but in my heart- I know it would be way too hard!  As for tough questions while you're driving- hmmm- thankfully all mine asks is things like, why did we get in a car wreck?  Why can't we have whitey (my Jeep) back?  Why is there grass growing in the middle of the roads?  What do clouds taste like?  Why did Grandma have to go to the hospital after whitey was hit?  Why are there so many canals around here?  Can we go see Nana and Grampa tomorrow? (They live 2000 miles away!)  Where's Daddy working today?  Can we go see him?  Is Betsy (our dog) in heaven with Jesus?  Will we get to play with her when Jesus comes back?  .......... you get the picture.  Thankfully, as much as he asks, nothing too hard for me to answer yet.  Mary- you'll know when the time is right how to answer that question-  God will give you the words, and as long as your kiddo's think about Beautiful, you know she's close to their heart too.  Lot's of hugs for you!  Love Carolyn