Sunday, July 18, 2004

I'm A Smoker, I'm A Joker, I'm A Midnight Toker...

This post has been inspired by LivingOnTheEdge.  Check it out and read my comments in the post from yesterday.  Honesty with ourselves is always the best policy, and honesty in my journal is what I have always claimed to uphold. Sometimes I do ommit some of the grimmer me, the not so polished parts.  I do this sometimes because no one wants thier shame to be out there to air in the public and you just dont know who really reads you.  And ofcourse I want to look good, promote a positve image, be well liked and bla bla bla.  Well thats not the org. intent of my journal, it is for me and my thoughts and you guys are just along for the ride.  Right? Right!

I have never made it a secret that I used to be a drug user or why I would use drugs. No not the hard drugs, but drugs nonthe less.  When I came to the Lord all the reasons I used them became nill and void.  Yet if I am honest here, and that is what I am claiming to be right, I did keep smoking pot and poping a pill here and there when I had them. My excuse was then, Oh it helps me unwind in the evenings after the kid-os are in bed, sex is better and bla blab bla..  .But it didn't take me long to come to the conclusion that I could not serve two masters or be High in the presance of The Lord. The thing was getting in the way with my relationship with the Lord and after much prayer I heard it loud and clear that I MUST give it up. My disre to be high dwindled and I stopped seeking it out. Yet some how the joints would find thier way to me, with out me even asking.  This is funny since most of my smoking friends either lived in Wis or dropped me because I became a Christian. It was easy to say NO when it wasnt in my face but when it falls in your lap, thats a differnt story. I had an inner strugle going on that is for sure. It came to the point where I had to tell this well meaning friend to "Get Ye Behind ME Satan" meaning stop offering me the stuff, cuz I will almost always say yes, dont even talk about it with  me anymore.

That being said flash forward to my recent trip up North.

 You can guess why my friends are laughing.  And you can guess who is laughing right along with them.

Funny how sooooooo easy it is to fall back into old patterns. I dont want to bust my friends out by giving thier names so I will call them Ding and Dong for this post (lol). Nice looking gals arnt they? Suburbain, hard working, mothers and faithful wives.  Not your averge image of a pot head. Oh but don't you be fooled, these two right here, that is what floats thier boat all the way to thier Fablaled Zimbaway.  If they had to go a month with out weed, OMG, life would be about over for them.  Thier whole lives center around it, and so does thier whole friendship. Ding and Dong have been best friends since pre-teens and I have known them since HIGHSchool. Oh the many long nights we have had partying.  Now dont give me that look, I am not talking them down, this is pure truth and they would back me up, horrified that I posted a pic of them, but they would say I wasn't fibbing and they are confesed potheads. No it hasn't got in the way of thier jobs or family life (yet) so they dont see anything wrong with it. Dong on the right there would even call Mary Jane her religion.

My own confession is they didnt have to peer-presure me into it over my trip, they didnt shove the pipe in frount of my noise chanting "SMOKE, SMOKE, SMOKE".  I perfectly KNEW from the very first of plans being made for me to see them that I surley would dance with old Mary Jane. Even looking forward to it.  And it's not like it was just one time, but several that I hit the pipe unapolgeticly holding down deep down in my lungs and slowling exhaling and waiting for the glazzy wolrd to come.  The worst part of it all, and I begged Ding (on the left) not to do it while I was there, was the talk we had with Ding's 13yrd little sister who was staying with her.  Apparently thier mom found effidance that miss 13yrs was smoking the stuff and thought she had her own pipe and wanted Big Sister to have a chat with her about it. I told her WHAT EVER YOU DO, DONT DO IT WHILE WE ARE HIGH! But ofcourse it was more funny to do it that way.  What should of been a serious talk with a young girl about the bad things of this world and how she could be better than that turned into a big laughing matter, cuz who can be serous when you are telling someone NO dontdo that, when you yourself are flying up in the clouds.  AND THAT is where my real shame is.  Not that I failed myself so much, I know God will councile me, take me in his arms and sooth me like the child who wandered away for a few days, no its what this child has walked away thinking after our meeting and how poor of a witness I was to those around me.  I would go as far as saying I have a broken and contrite heart over the whole matter.  The seeds planted was not seeds from God, I was walking in my flesh not my spirit. 


  1. this was a very honest post and i of all ppl understood where you are coming from.  i've often in my lowest moments of doing oxy contin's and being dope sick have said to myself.."oh how i wish i could go back to the simple days of smoking weed.....a much cheaper buzz that didn't make me sick and didn't cause me to spend $800 in one weekend and didn't cause me to put all my belongings into the pawn shop and didn't cause me to go to rehab."  life did seem simpler then. but i remember the commercials i found so funny then saying weed is a gateway drug and i've found it to be true for myself.  it's hard to overcome the temptation of what seems like a perfectly harmless buzz.  i know you will overcome this though because you are a good person with God in your corner and i hope the 13 yr old sister realizes that even something as simple as weed can take away your hope at doing anything positive.  good luck to you mary and thank you for this post.  love, netta

  2. Mary, it is good that you are confessing it here. You really must make amends with God though. You are a solid believer in Him, and can't let this mess up your relationship with Him. Stay away from the people that do this and pray, pray pray! I will pray for you and also youre friends. Take care! God bless, Beckie

  3. Yesturday in church we talked about empathy being wearing Jesus' tears on our own face.

    So with great empathy and love I cry with you......just remember that although you are Christian, you are a human Christian.

  4. I had a feeling when I heard your silly voice entry with your friend. Don't sweat it kid. You were going through so much and just needed to escape.

  5. Your honesty definately shown thru on that one.  I have a friend as well, who was addicted to meth and he says that he can witness better to others about being saved and finding God because he understands what its like to be on the other side.  Good post huny!