Monday, May 22, 2006

Monday Morning Question

If you were allowed to go back to a time in your life for two days and experience it with the knowledge that you have now, what time would you like to go back to and why?

I would want to go back just before my father died.  And since I would have all the knowledge that I do now and would know the Lord, I could have all these conversations with him about God and the Bible and just get to know my dad better and appreciate the time I had with him.  I would tell him how I forgive him for so much and how I really do love him and how I miss him.  I would tell him how awesome my family is that he never not get to see and how Zane that he adored and nick named his "tiger" (his first grandson and just a baby at the time) is turning out to be a wonderful young man and so smart just like he knew he would. 
When my dad knew that cancer treatment was futile and would not help him any longer he sat the family down and told us that he was going go die.  He said he was not afraid to die because he knew where he was going to go afterwards.  He didn't explain any further and he did go pretty fast after that.  I am not clear on what my dad's relationship was with God.  I know that after he got sick he got into the Bible and I was real surprised to learn after later from my mom that he was always seeking and had even help start a church in our home town. He had kept  my then boyfriend,now husband Josh (who lived with us) up late nights talking about his life stories.  Josh got to know a side of my dad that I just was not ready to hear about or understand. 
When my dad told us he knew where he was going.. I thought in my head secretly that "yess.. your going to Hell you bastard for all the stuff you have done to me and to our family".  I didn't want my father to die and I think I didn't really believe he was going to until he got so bad. My dad was a real strong person.. and one of those manly men that are getting to be so rare these days and to see him fade away was very hard for us all.  My dad took care of our family by many times working two or three jobs but he also was not perfect and had done many things to hurt us too.  I remember growing up always having a fear of him, walking on eggshells and even asking him a simple question made me hold my breath.  I remember I used to think and wish that he would never comehome from work and just stay away.  I think it is one of my great regrets and a shame that I didn't understand about forgiveness and extended it to my father while he was alive.  But maybe that is just how it was supposed to be, that God knew what it would take to get me to that place.  I believe my father is in heaven and is going to be one of the people I look forward to having long conversations with when I myself get there one day.


My Dad and new born Zane '94

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  1. :::tears:::  

    A lot of similarities in our relationships with our dads, how they died & how they knew where they were going.  I never heard my Dad talk much about Jesus even though we went to church & he'd gone all his life.  I do remember, however, right before the lung cancer took his last breath overhearing him talking to Jesus from the hospital bed in our living room.  That gave me great comfort right then and it was probably at that point I was able to accept that he really WAS going to die - and soon.

    I don't know what I'd do differently though.  I think the past hurts too much to think about sometimes.  Maybe things were supposed to work the way they did - I don't know.

    And maybe today is just a blue Monday for me.

  2. I would have loved to have more conversations with my Daddy, too.  I don't know all the reasons you felt like you did at the time, but I think parents in general tend to overlook and forgive their children's anger.....which is good in some ways, bad in others.  If he could be so forthrite about his own demise, then surely he knew in your heart you loved him.  -  Barbara

  3. Hindsight is 20/20.  Try not to beat yourself up.

    Krissy at Hope Lodge.

  4. hello friend love this entry you have put alot into it I am gald that you have found peace adn closer have a great week God bless kelley

  5. I not sure I want to go back for anything I tell ya. wel maybe I dont know I just dont know

  6. {{{ Bea }}} Thanks for sharing... great entry and answer to the question...

    forgiveness is good, tough, but good....

    be well,

  7. Wow, this is raw.  Beautiful, too.  Mary, I know your Dad knows how much you love and forgive him now and is watching over you.  This was a great entry, love. xox