You know Satan can be subtle sometimes.. whispering in your ear, even using those who think they are trying to be helpful but instead planting those seeds of doubt that if you let settle into your soul and thought process, keep you from God's will in your life.
Because I am so out spoken on the abortion matter and speak openly about my own there may be some who do not understand that it is NOT ME BEATING MY SELF up about it or dwelling on my hurts but it is more God using ME where I have been hurt the most, turning what was meant for harm and using it for HIS purpose. There may be some who think I have not forgiven myself and that is why I can not let that issue go. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It is these times in off line conversations that I wish I could pull out a printed page of my journal writings and have them see what I really think and see where God has really brought me.
I have said it before, sometimes it is just easier for me to write then to speak. Because when I do get in these conversations sometimes my words escape me. Here is an example of my writing that focused on why I do write and stand against abortion that I wish I could of given this one particular person. Maybe later I will print it and give it to them.. good idea.
While this person may of thought they were trying to be helpful by saying.. Mary you just need to let go of it and forgive yourself.. then you wouldn't get so excited about these things, What I perceive what this person was really saying (even if this person didn't realize it).. sit down and shut up about it, don't be passionate about anything God wants to do with you about this. This person doesn't like it when the subject comes up (because they are pro choice) and it has nothing to do with my own healing when they suggests I forgive myself and let go of it all. It is more about avoidance. Along the same lines as some one in a church saying it is not my issue and refuses to get involved. If this person really thought about it and sees the consequences of abortion they would have a better understanding. Maybe me writing this post is preparing me for the next conversation.
Often women who have had an abortion DONT speak about it.. they hide from it, they try and shove it down as far it will go and avoid the topic at all costs. I used to be like that, running from my own pain and my shame and my guilt. I tell you it is something that eats at your soul and you may not even be aware of it because you avoid it and not face it. The real healing starts when you stop hiding and bring what is hidden to the surface and deal with it. But that is JUST a start. Healing comes from understanding how God views you and TRUELY forgives, understanding his character, setting you free from that control it once had over you, squashing the lies Satan tells you about yourself.
TRUTH is Freeing! Satan loves it when we run from our hurts and avoid them. He loves to keep it quiet so he can use it to twist it around in you and keep you in bondage and keep you from coming to God with it. Satan HATES YOU and will use your shame and guilt against you. God LOVES YOU and it is his forgiveness that frees you, because then when condemnation comes against you, you can tell Satan the father of all lies, to SHUT UP AND LEAVE. When you understand and ACCEPT God's forgiveness, that is when you can forgive yourself and your shame and pain can heal. I am not just talking about abortion but all your past and current hurts.
When I am out spoken about abortion and the pain it brings, when I speak the Truth about how God sees it as murder, it is from personal understanding and revelation and my relationship with Jesus Christ and the ONLY ONLY ONLY way I can be bold enough to do it is because I AM FORGIVEN. I don't think by doing these things it will ADD to my salvation or God's forgiveness in the least bit. To quote Jesus hanging on the cross, " IT IS DONE, IT IS FINNISHED". No way can I add to what he has done for me. I HAVE forgiven myself for the murder of what would of been my first born. Those who do not forgive themselves or know God's, think that if they DO something that will help their pain and help make up for what they have done.
Then why do I do it if I don't HAVE to you may ask. Simply put.. to raise awareness. For God to use me, because HE has ENABLED ME to, for him to use me where I have been hurt the most. To shine God's love. When you know his forgiveness you want to SHOUT IT from the mountain tops... I AM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! You WANT others to know they too can be FREE, because that is love. But because with abortion it is the deep hidden hurt, the grief women in our society are NOT allowed to feel and speak of, it has to be brought to light. People have to become aware that abortion is not the quick fix it is marketed to be, that it hurts women, not helps them, that it is loosing a child, killing it.
My heart goes out to the MO Inmate who at this very moment is getting an abortion at 18 weeks, it is a two day "procedure". When you are that far along it takes two days to kill the baby. That is two days of her going threw something so traumatic. She is going to have to live with it for the rest of her life. It will effect every personal relationship she is eve going to have and what ever relationship she may have with God, it is going to mess with her selfworth and self esteem, many women suffer deep depression that drives them to drugs and alcohol, she may even suffer from flash backs, and a form of post traumatic stress. The statistics is that it takes 5-10 years before a women can come to grips with what has happen and what she has done and can face it. And the sad thing is all that pain and hurt could be avoided. But like I said Satan is a liar and tells you at the time this is the best thing for you and an answer to your problems, setting his trap, and then uses it against you later.
Many people believe a lie and DON'T have the message of life spoken into their own life. I can't help but think if only my mother and aunt who helped me make that "choice" and took me in for the abortion hand a strong prolife voice spoken into their own life, could my own pain be avoided. If they had only KNOWN the truth of what it was going to do to me and to my child. But they didn't and I have suffered. I would like to think that I can part of that VOICE now to other women who are considering abortion and hope they can avoid going threw the same things I have had to. Or for women and men who has gone threw an abortion and is hurting in silence because of it, that God could use me in part of their own healing and forgiveness.. to be apart of their own salvation story.
I am sure any one who has learned from their past hurts and has received forgiveness for it can understand what I am saying.. to be the warning to that friend you love and now you see them going down the same path you did once and you don't want them to hurt like you did, you want them to know all the facts and consequences before they go there.
The one thing I would most like you to know about me is that I had an abortion at 15, it hurt me like hell, it shattered my life profoundly BUT God is good and just and forgiving and because of HIM I am healing and yes.. I have forgiven myself dispite how I may come across.
I decided after writing this entry to enter it inOctober's Artsy Essay
The topic for this month's contest is:
The one thing I would most like you to know about me..
Some how I think this entry is fitting of that topic.