Tears and Jeers

Yesterday was one of those days, full of things I can post about but unsure how I will get it all out and flowing into one post.

I shall start with what is on the top priority list. My MOM. If it wasn't for IM I may never know what's going on with her.  She IM me yesterday afternoon saying hi but she couldn't talk really cuz she had to a doc. apt.  She informs me that for the past 4 days her heart feels like it has been doing flip flops (and not in the good way) and she can hear and feel each heart beat.  Some of you may recall how last month she went for tests for her heart and they found her aortic valve was weakening but not so bad that surgery will probably not be needed for maybe 2 years.  I ofcourse pray for her total healing.  Mom did call me this evening with the update.  Her doctor is going to refer her to a Heart Surgeon for a second opinion about when surgery may be needed.

This brings up so many emotions and I don't know where to begin with it.  First off I totally trust that if it was the Lord's will to heal her, he would.  But I also know my mom isn't as trusting in the power of prayer as I am.  I know she has said she is a believer, but I often wonder about her faith and how real it really is.  I know God is working on her and he will do what ever it takes to bring his chosen to him, so I have to wonder if this is one of those things he is going to use.  I want soooo much to go and see her and visit with her.  I get the feeling that I may not have many chances to talk with her and visit with her and have those long conversations that need to be had.  This is the same feeling I have gotten before with other relatives before they passed away.  I would get a burning desire to go and see them but circumstances prevented it and with in six months I was at their funeral.  There is no way at this time I can just go off and see my mom up in Milwaukee. Our car would not make the drive. We don't have money to take other forms of transpiration.  Basically no where for me and all my kids to stay up there without getting a motel room, and we don't have the money for that.  Josh HAS to work while there is work to be had so that is another factor.  So knowing all this a trip just isn't possible, but all I want to do is hold my mommy, hug her,and love on her.  I am fighting that emotion called Fear.  I know that is not from God.  Thoughts of living a life so soon without my mom in it come to me, when all I want to say is she will be OK.  She is all I have left besides my brother and sister.  My dad is gone, and all my grandparents.  Mom has always been there to fall back on ya know.  I think the one thing that would totally settle my mind is if I had solid confirmation that she was Saved.  If I saw fruit of it.

Moving on..

Today was a beautiful day out.  I got to drive to the store for some shopping and I had all the windows down (no aircondioning) and the radio playing.  When I pulled in the drive way I sat for a few min. enjoying the green grass and the flowers that are blooming. I watched the bumble bees buzzing from each flower to the next.  A thought came to me to enjoy each site, that one day everything is going to be different and this time shall pass and I will want to have these memories. So I slowly got out of my car and gazed up to the house, seeing my 2yrd in her bedroom window waving at me and smiling.  I could see her exclaiming mommy is home and she met me at the door. It was very nice and peaceful, until I got threw the door.

All the kids jumping up excited, DAD IS LETTING US WATCH WRESTLING! (FYI we don't watch wresting in our house and for plenty of reasons.)  Josh said there was absolutely nothing on TV.  I said everything was worse than this? He told me to lighten up, its entertainment, and the kids know that.  OOOKKK then. About 10min. later Sophia, my cute little baby who was looked so much like an angel from her bedroom window when I pulled up, comes up and HITS ME! My jaw drops and I immediately turn off Wrestling with proof of what just transpired as why we have a rule about such entertainment.  MOMMA AINT HAV'IN IT! Wrestling and Jackie Chain are banned from the house lol.  Then Josh teases me cuz he knows for a fact my family used to watch and be very into WWF wrestling. ( a sad fact I love to forget from my childhood) Remember the cartoon with the good guys Vs the bad guys from WWF wrestling? LMBO I am ashamed to admit my dad even paid for pay preview events on cable.