No I am not overly worried. I am just feeling a bit discouraged before I go to bed. Think I need to reflect on a past entry I posted about discouragement. It just has been a bummer day when I expected it to be full of joys.
It is 1:00 a.m. and you would think by now we would know what time we were to go to the title company to close on our dream house and how much we are to bring for the scheduled close (tomorrow or today how ever you see it). Essentially I have been told the hold up is all about paper work and not to fret, we have the house and loan. I am starting to distrust Loan Lady and know that she has told some small lies to other ppl so I have to wonder what if anything has SHE lied to US about? And with our van being put in the shop for repairs and Josh not working his conventional job this week and skimping on our normal groceries it feels like it is all hitting me at once. I have always fought those seeds of doubt that I am not good enough, good enough for such a nice house or to even own my own home. I have tried not to call it MINE until after close but I let myself decorate the whole thing in my head and on paper and for once dream. Oh you should just see all the plans I have for it. But I am reminding myself today.. it is not what I have planned that matters but what God's Will is for our life. Going into all this we deeply prayed and asked him for guidance but you know sometimes our flesh can drown out his voice if we let it. We asked him to put up road blocks if this house is not where he wants us to be. Right now all I see is big brick walls. I guess you could say I am preparing myself that a move may not be in our near future. I have told Josh that we should tell all those involved that if we don't close by Friday that we are going to walk away and take it as God's Will. It hurts to think that is a possibility. Not so much because I love that house that much, but because I cringe at the thought of all these ppl we have told about it, asking how the new house is and having to inform them it didn't happen. It is like I can hear the na sayers laughing or celebrating our downs and saying behind our backs.. hahaha what where they thinking in the first place.. but that is mostly ME and no one I know personally who would say that (I would hope).
And spending all day dealing with these computer issues has not helped my moral any either! Or hearing Sophia ask when she is going to get her Birthday presents and not having ANYTHING to give her but hugs and kisses. She doesn't understand the concept yet of having a delayed celebration in two weeks. She just knew today was her special day and it should of involved at least ONE gift. The planned gift was going to be the keys to our new house and her being first to open the door. Still hopeful that we can make that Josh's Birthday gift instead.
There.. maybe now that I got that all out of me and those tears, I can let it rest and what ever happens ...happens? Maybe I can sleep?