Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Rantings and nooo it is not depression (or is that denial?)

This morning I awoke on the couch to my husband yelling at me for not making his juice.. his clothes in the dryer were not dry, why did I sleep on the couch... this is how you take care of ME!?  Ohhh crap!  What could I say? All true and I felt guilt guilt guilt.  I fell asleep on the couch maybe 10 min. after he went to bed.  I was watching a movie and wanted to finish it before I went to bed.  I had taken out the juice to defrost while I watched the movie so I could make it before I went to bed.  I DID put his clothes in the dryer but ofcourse I didn't clean out the lint trap thus the heavy towel and the work clothes didn't get dried all the way. Yes he has told me numerous times that is how fires start.

How do I respond to all this?  I say I am sorry and retreat to my bed.  Basically hiding.  I can't argue with facts.  I am a horrible domesticated wife.  I just can't get it together.  I would rather be like Mary at Jesus's feet then like Martha who does the busy work.  This is the balance I have been saying I want to find but not really working hard to get there.  I was all fired up with promises in my head that Yes I can be the mother and wife God has called me to be but then I got home and although I am still on a spiritual high I have not gone threw with the house work I had plotted out to get done.

I have had two nightmares with the word DIVORCE in them. The first one was a weird wacky one where I didn't remember consenting to a divorce and tore the divorce certificate in half saying NO way is that going to happen to us!  The second one was this morning after I went back to bed and dreamed about what I really wanted to say to my husband, Make your own dang juice.. it is YOUR diet, why do you want to loose weight anyways, to attract a better women, and other such things and blurted out, well if you really feel that I take such poor care of you then divorce me and find a maid to marry you.  Ofcourse these are just bad dreams.  Josh and I have promised long ago never to say the D word to each other because it just isn't going to happen.  But yet he goes on and on about the sad statistics in the Painter's Union of how many divorces there are especially after the first year an apprentice turns Journeymen. As we all know that is just months away now when he will be a Journeymen.

My friend was supposed to come over today to help me with some house stuff. I had asked her on the retreat if she would help me and she had called me yesterday saying to just call her when I got out of bed today and she would be right over. I laughed, well since it is spring break I can get out of bed anytime since I don't have to be up to get the kids to school. I told her probably 9 or 10 but I didn't call over to her house until 11 and she didn't answer.  Maybe she got sick of waiting on me, she has a life too you know but I was really looking forward to her coming over.  It really takes a lot for me to ask for help, to recognize I can't do it on my own. 

I really do feel ashamed about the state my home is in. The piles of laundry that never get put away or done for that mater. The grim on the bathtub. The constantly messy bedrooms and living room. The cluttered desk and shelves.  I am the worst flybaby in history.  My deepest fear is ppl talking about how bad I am and my house, judging me.  So to ask some one to come over and see my house in all its messy glory, it takes a lot of trust. I did just recently see a show on TV called How Clean Is Your House and it made me feel a bit better that I was not as bad as the cat lady who left kitty poop and barf all over her house.

This also maybe just my reaction and stress from coming home from my MIL who is very neat and tidy.  Josh reminds me how she kept a house neat as a pin and worked a full time job and raised 3 kids herself, how much simpler it should be for me who stays home full time.  I really do love his mother and respect her deeply.  She did a wonderful Job raising my husband and not that I am complaining about my own mother but if I would of had his saint of a mother as a role model maybe I would know how to keep the balance.  We have been married going on 9 years and this has always been a problem. His mom has a very crummy job right now and needs desperately to find something better.  Ofcourse we want her to find something in our area and Josh always invites her to live with us, to find a bigger house for us all to share.

I have to fight the lazy feeling, get off my butt and just do it. But I don't feel like doing anything and then I read in Mrs Peachy's Journal about her confession about maybe she may be suffering from depression.  I could relate to some of her comments about how shehas been feeling and that yes maybe I could use a good dose of something to get me to feel better.  But I am from the stand point that depression is very much a spiritual matter as well as a medical one.  If I am depressed then that means something is wrong with my spiritual walk with God and I need to identify it and ask him to be the one to heal me.  I don't want to be dependant on pills when I know I am a bad pill taker to begin with (why you think I have 4 kids!).  I think perhaps Prozac may be a medication that is well over used in America.  That is my personal opinion and I am not saying to anyone NOT to take them or seek help.

As always just writing about everything gives me a release and I feel some what better.  Time to get off of here and figure out where to start.


  1. Smiled while reading this, hon. I stood in your shoes so many times, and am sure others have too. You ARE a sweetheart, whether or not your house is tidy or you forgot to make juice and get hubby's clothes dry. There are many women who have a hard time keeping house. When I was younger our pastor asked me to help a younger woman get her house in order. I helped her and it lasted but a short time. Some people just do things differently.  Take care, hon. *Barb*

  2. WE all mess up. Maybe you need to talk to Josh an d tell him it makes you fee insercure and bothers you when he mentions how many divorces there are. HEY after areversal and second marriage you have a 94% chance of being divorrced. BUT LOOK at Todd and me. But I left belsses arrows becuase almsot everyone that got the reversal was getting a divorce IF the reversal failed. strange isnt that. WELL anyway............ tell him and IM sure if he knows it sits int he back of your mind and cuases bad dreams he will stop. Im a neat freak. I know its hard. With Four dogs its very hard. in and out to potty in the mud that we have had for a year now due to no dry days. BUT I know that you try just maybe you need a friend to help you get organized so its not such a big job> I have done that for a few. Its just getting in a routine. which aint easy by no means so do nt be too hard.

  3. I think half the battle is just wanting to do it and then doing it step by step.Because it is so overwhelming!!I have to make myself do one room a week- spring cleaning and getting rid of stuff that I do not use or need.Growing up poor makes you tend to keep things just in case you may need them one day.This is my year to do things.I am not fighting depression as hard and I feel like I want my kids to have a house they can be proud of.We were never able to have friends over.And if you can not then you can not go to sleepovers cause parents expect payback-I understand completly what you are saying.And face it , it is boring and tedious!!!Hey lets bust butt and do laundry because it will last all of 3 days til you need to do it again.And do not even talk about dishes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I wish I could come over and help.I do believe it helps to have a friend over.

  4. Yikes, that is how fires start??  Wow, i do that way too often.  Glad you mentioned it, thanx.

    Ana  ((0.~))

  5. Yeah, personally, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I may be stepping out of line here, and if I am, please call me on it, but is he not a big boy? Sorry, I hear stories of guys like this and it makes me upset. I mean no disrespect to your family however.