Monday, September 26, 2005


Have you ever done something you knew that you shouldn't but figured you could do it anyway.. after all God is a wonderful loving God and so forgiving and you can just plead your case to him later??  And after doing what you knew you shouldn't do, felt guilt but shoved it down deeper and kept on doing what you shouldn't be doing?  And because of all that you couldn't go into God's presence, you pushed him away knowing he would be there later but you couldn't stand to be there right now? And this really whacks up your relationship with God and you still resist his calling when he is trying to tell you something threw the Holy Spirit? So you use that thing you are not supposed to be doing to fill in that gap, a poor substitute that gives you NO Peace.

"Ya I know.. but I want to do it and I am going to do it"  "I'll think about You later God, but right now I want what I want." "No I don't want to talk right now, I don't want to listen, later, later.."

This my friends has been my struggle the past few weeks and the message spoken at church cut me to the core, had me bawling my eyes out and conviction threw the Spirit was on me heavy thick till I went up to the alter and wept before God and sought his forgiveness and REPENTED.

No I didn't do something that some would think is sooo bad and really worth all the guilt but it is a personal thing and something God has told me in the past loud and clear not to do.  If you have read my testimony page it is easy to figure out what my sin was or if you know me real well. Sometimes it is easy to fall into old patterns and truly it is like a dog going back to his vomit and lapping it up.  So if I KNEW not to do it, why did I do it in the first place and fall into this cycle that has only help me drift further away from God?!  That struggle between flesh and spirit and what one you feed the most is what it is. 

Forgive me Lord for pushing you away, for being selfish and for not being obedient. I have stopped and turned away from what was getting between you and me.  Help me not to make this mistake over and over again and to learn this time.  Restore my spirit, restore my soul, restore our fellowship.  Guild me and help me to stop drifting, help me to move forward towards the goal.  Help me to give you all the time you deserve in my life, to be still and KNOW you are God, to get back into your Word and to grow.  To be the women you have made me to be and to live the life you have appointed for me.  To be in YOUR will, not my own.  

And to think, I almost didn't go to church today.  It seems when ever I am about to miss and have all these good reasons not to go.. sleep for one, but I push threw and go anyway, that is the meeting that touches me the most.  I overslept.. because I was online into the wee hours of the morning(catching up on reading and some chatting and avoiding the issues I was having with God).  I didn't hurry when I woke up at 9:30 to get the kids ready but just told them to get dressed and we will eat.  I was debating with myself if I should go or not.. church starts at 10 but we have a good hour of worship music most of the time and the message doesn't start till around 11.  Yes we have about a two hour service, we don't like to rush.  I must of gone back and forth 100 times with myself on if I should go or not.  Since we have moved it is a good long drive to church and you know how gas is getting.  I don't know what made me relent and just go.  I truly didn't want to go but knew that I should or people would wonder where I was or the kids would be disappointed and I would not hear the end of it. I wasn't going for the right reasons you know.. because I wanted to fellowship and worship but because I didn't want to be nagged by my family. When we got there Worship was over the children's classes had already started.  The kids went to their class and I slipped into the sanctuary trying not to be seen and found a seat up front. (why does that seem to be the only place to sit when you are late? LOL)  The message was already half over but what was being spoken could of been right to me and my heart broke and tears started to well up.  At first I refused to let the tears fall and chocked them back but there was no use.  The sum of the message was about Drifting from God, how to recognize it and unrepented sin in our lives.. yep.. that was me to a T.  By the end of the service I was on my knees weeping like a baby, boogers and all with no tissue but my sleeve.

The endresult is I am back on track with my walk with the Lord, a huge weight hasbeen lifted off of me and I feel more myself, my new self then before.  I can only say if you my friends are going threw anything similar.. don't hold back from God, don't hide, give it up to him..he knows where you are anyway and will not stop till you are like me, on your knees and weeping. Just repent now, you'll save yourself a lot of time and heart ache.


  1. not sure exactly what your struggle is even after reading your testimonty page. I got three thigns running around in myhead. but I will pray for you. I know you been thru alot lately. stress can do that to you. it either pusshes you away or brings you closer. ifyou need to talk about it or want me to pray more personally let me kow emailor what ever. I been praing hard for marraiges. young marraiges I have know three homeschoolers to get a divorce and know aother whose marraige is on the rocks. that is just unheard of as homeschoolers have typically not gotten a divorce. so sad. I m almostlike now oh Lord Tracy watched all these marraiges and wished it was her now shes glad she is not going thru something like this. so hard so sad. so while yoru praying pray for these as they al have children.

  2. Thank you for your honesty in relating your struggles in your journal. Isn't it neat that we serve a loving God that will always forgive us? You are in a vulnerable time right now with all the different changes in your life; keep yourself in the Word and prayer to help yourself avoid temptation. My prayers are with you.


  3. We serve a God full of mercy and grace full of unconditional love for us. Temptation flys at us daily,all of us. Sometimes its very hard to resisit, if you fall just stand up and shake off and begin again . God forgives.


  4. Wow!  This entry really spoke to me.  It is like God was talking to me through you.
    Or, you were speaking for me, I'm not sure which.  Thank you, for putting my feelings into words that have made me face up to myself.  God bless you.

  5. Have you ever done something you knew that you shouldn't but figured you could do it anyway.. after all God is a wonderful loving God and so forgiving and you

    This my friends has been my struggle the past few weeks .....

    Oh this has been my struggle my whole life!
    I love the way you write!