Being a stay at home mom for the last ..hold on let me count..5 to 6 years, it goes with out saying my adult interaction has been some what limited. And I have been fine and healthy with just having good friends online and at church and hanging with my family. Where we lived before our house was in between two businesses so I didn't have neighbors to shoot the breeze with or gossip with or for that matter have issues with lol. I won't say I purposely put myself into a cocoon and locked myself away from the world. I have been out there, I have done stuff and interacted with live humans lol. But building live in person relationships, friendships, I have been lacking. I have friends at church and they are family that I know I can depend on and call on anytime I need them but still sometimes I feel not as close as I can be to them. A realization came to me while visiting one of my friends in Wisconsin recently.. I have no friends like I used to. I had so much fun hanging out with my old friends and being more than just MOM or that young lady with all the kids for awhile. With them I could let a wall down or my guard of what I should or shouldn't say down. Back home, amidst my new neighbors and ppl I am meeting I find myself guarding my tongue, wondering what I should or shouldn't say.. do I seem too friendly or am I not opening up enough or am I saying too much.
There is only one other family on my street right now but looking at the new houses going up I know that will change fast. I am enjoying getting to know the family next door and you know how us women can be chatty. I try and shut up and listen to the stories my neighbor lady is telling me and not be rude and interrupt with my own that would relate well with what she just said. I know how to be a good listener. But don't get me wrong.. I love my neighbors but they are about 15 years older then us and I often find ppl who are really older than me somewhat look down at my less then vast life experience. I often hear from new people that come in my life... oh you are so young and have such a big family.. how do you do it or what I say sometimes get overlooked because of my age. Keep in mind this may just be ME and something in my mind but that is how I feel sometimes.
I know there are going to be new people coming in and out of my life. I have set it up in my mind that I want to be to official neighborhood greeter.. the welcome wagon.. you know the person that comes with the gift basket and says HEY, Welcome to the hood.. glad you are here. I want close friendships and come out of this little cocoon I have allowed myself to be in for so long and emerge a social butterfly . This means I must overcome my shyness and awkwardness that I have developed when dealing with the public. It is so easy for me to type away at my computer and say what I mean in writing then when I am in person and have to say it vocaly. Sometimes when I know a certain conversation is going to come up I practice it in my head of what I want to say or can articulate it much better if I have writen on it in my journal first. (silly huh)
My fear is ofcourse rejection, not being good enough, not being wanted, the true me not getting across, being looked at as that wack-o neighbor you want to avoid, people talking and gossiping about me behind my back. I am also somewhat insecure about the way I look (weight and my teeth). I have been out of school for a long time now but still remember the sting of being on the outside of the click. But I know that God has placed me and my family here for a purpose and reason and that can trump all fears that may come. I know up front that not every one is going to love me or even like me. And if I remember how God sees me and loves me and remind myself of his love for me and everyone else and that I can show that love to others I think I may be able to fly with the butterfly wings he has given me. I know he has put these desires on my heart and I should stop hiding in this cocoon.
Tomorrow is home group. That is when people from church get together and just hang out and have a small devotional and then ofcourse food. It is set up where you can bring new ppl who may not come into a church but will go and visit and also so we can get to know each other better. We are hosting this month for our group. It is exciting to have people out to the new house and show off the blessings God has given us. I have invited our neighbors and they have said they will come so I am also excited about that. I know they are Christians (Baptist) and will enjoy the company. But I have so much to do to get ready and I have been lazy this week lol. There is some arranging of the house I still want to get done and some more unpacking and then there is the grocery shopping we need to do and cooking. I think we are going to make chili in the crock pot. Josh has been home from work all this week and that is an entry in of it's self but he can help when properly motivated with the house stuff. : )
Time to fly...