I don't think I will ever catch up with all the journals from the weekend.. you guys were some posting fools lol but it is understandable. I am just learning of the event where a journal was deleted completely for what AOL said was a TOS violations and is turning out to be more of BS than anything. I would be sooooooo devastated if my journal was deleted.. all the time and entry that goes into them, a warning should be given or something before you just up and delete it! If mine should ever be deleted I think I would be too heart broken to start another one. I guess it is just a warning to the wise, back up, back up, back up.. if there is a post you really love and want to save, back it up in a Word Doc or something!
On to the events of this weekend. A full weekend it was at that! I am kind of tired and don't necessarily even feel like talking about it all. Josh's mom came for a visit. The premise of this visit was so we could talk about the prospects of her moving in with us and her getting a job here. We really didn't get to sit down and have a long conversation about all our concerns and the details but we did talk some. We figured we don't have to rush anything and can take our time or at least till the end of summer to decide. Josh had to work Saturday so he missed some of the weekend with her. Zane's Choir Club sang at the opening of the new Gordmen's store. I could of taken him but I was slow moving Sat morning and Sophia and Lilly where still asleep when it was time to go. ML volunteered to take Zane & Annie for me. I am kicking myslef for missing it and I know Josh frowned on the fact that I was still half asleep when I should of been up and going to take him. But it worked out nice, the older kids got some alone time with Grandma and she took them to get scrabooking supplies. She is turning Annie into a scrapbooker. I would love to get into it and if we do live together I am sure I will but for now I dont want to because that stuff can get expensive and time consuming. A group of ladies at church get together once a month or so and scrapbook together. So that is something ML and I can do together if she does move here. Really I am softening up to the idea of living with her and I think it would work out not so badly.
It is the whole renting vs buying thing that has my emotions going.
Josh has found one of those "we will help almost anyone places" and has got it into his head that we should buy our house now instead of continuing to rent if his mom does move with us. Sunday he filled out all the paper work and we went to look at one of the houses listed to give to the guy the papers. The house was priced at $139,900 and was in one of the older parts of O'Fallon and right by the Hwy. It was a ranch style 3 bedroom 1 1/2 bath with a fenced yard. To me it looked over priced and needed a lot of improvements. For One the carpets were TRASHED and nasty.. I love my hard wood floors. The kitchen was way too small and out dated and so were the bathrooms.. who ever thought that a pink bathtub was high fashion of the time?? The basement was ok and could be finished I suppose. But I just didn't like the house, it was not the kind I had in mind when ever we say we are going to get our own house. But to be honest.. I see all these newer houses that we live around and want something like that (knowing I can't afford them) so almost any older house we see will be compared to those.
Sunday night Josh and I had a longgggggg conversation about houses and moving and what we want and don't want. I cried a lot. We don't see eye to eye about moving and houses at this time but at least we got our feelings out on the table and had a conversation that was way over due. It is not like we don't talk but we just don't have deep conversations that often.
I won't retell everything that was said point by point but basically Josh is the dreamer of the family and I am the pessimistic one. I don't feel ready to be a home owner and settle for an older house that will need a lot of work to it but he feels that he is and he would take the time to do the things to a house of his own. (keep in mind I am still waiting on a keyboard drawer for the desk he built me a year ago).
He asked me didn't I have any hopes or dreams about our future.. a home.. school for myself and the kids.. weddings.. and I had to honestly say no not really. I told him that if those things happen that is great and fine but I don't dare hope for much because when ever in the past I have planned things out and hoped for something it never worked out..this is how I have been since childhood and ya maybe I do need to examine that, but really the only thing that gets me excited and the only thing that I dream and hope for are the things of God and you spend more time talking about the raises you are going to get and your dream bike you want to build than those things with me. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone and my plans are nothing compared to God's plans for us. I can't wrap my mind around a $6 raise you are going to get four months from now and then dream or should I say covet about the things that money may buy us.
This lead into a conversation about maturity.. the topic of Sunday's sermon.. and also about Jesus Christ's Return. I hate it when he says I am the more mature Christian then he is.. it may be true but for me it is more of an excuse.. I want him to be the leader here, and not just me on the spiritual things. He says I have had more time to study than he has and that is why and that yea he could read more on his free time but he does talk about God at work sometimes and privately prays but he just can't pray out loud like some, like at Easter dinner he felt on the Spot to say the blessing over dinner.
Doesn't he know how much more I love him when he does pray with me? Doesn't he know that it is his responsibility to be the Leader of our home in all things and that I am to submit to that? So ya, if we do find a house he likes and he really wants to buy it I will go along with that even if I feel it is a mistake but I would love him all the more if he would pray with me about it, if he would read the Word with me, if he would ask God to mature him so that I can have all confidence in him and his choices he makes for our family.
THINGS are not important to me, I don't want him to work his butt off so he can pay for satellite tv, a new house and its improvements, nice things to fill up that house, newer cars.. and all the other trappings in life. Those are all temporary things that BURN IN THE END. What blesses me the most is when he is sitting next to me and holding my hand as we are listening to a sermon at church or he is having conversations with our son and daughters about Jesus, when we have those deep conversations, when he is living out his faith on the job and influencing others with his actions, being honest in all he does, when he takes time to help a stranger change their tire or that he cares so much for him mom that he would move her in to live with us. Those are the things that are lasting and will impact Eternity.
He said don't you remember that promise I made you?.. no I didn't know what he was talking about. He said he promised me that we would do better than our parents did. I don't remember that but it sounds like something he would say to me. Then he went into the long list of things he has failed at doing and why we are not there yet, but for me WE are doing better than our parents did and we are blessed. I am happy with our life together! We are not heading for divorce, none of our children are abused, we are making the bills (even if it is by the skin of our teeth sometimes) our children KNOW they are loved and are happy go lucky kids and very well behaved compared to some others. I think for him to be better off then our parents were means owning a house, having a savings for the kids, and security means money. While this is all true and smart, my happiness does not hinge on all that.
Well what ever... we have an appointment with the finance guy tomorrow at 5:15. I will keep you posted on how that goes.