Posting some of the stuff I wrote while off line...

 

I LOVE YOU

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I have got to stop listioing to love songs and songs from past loves.  Voices ring in my head of the ones who said, “Mary, I love you.  Mary, I need you, Mary you mean the world to me”.  I won’t say there is this big long list but if you have ever read my testimony you will see how I used to equate sex for love and somehow guys would just know the right words to say to make me believe it too.  Don’t say you love me if you don’t mean it.  Because the fact was you just saying you love me will make me want to fall for you and love you back.  I was/still that little girl on the inside seeking love from her unavailable abusive father. (there is a subject I haven’t dealt with in awhile)  Each time I became smitten with a boy, I would play one of two roles, the stalker/seeker/teaser who would encourage the advances or I would be the unavailable flirt who coyly would ask why and what could you possible see in me.  I wanted to be LOVED soooo bad and what I got was false but I only knew that kind of love so that was the standard I had.  I always had to have that taste of danger, the ones you KNEW was wrong to be with. I would attract the ones who were wounded like me and I thought somehow I could complete them and they could complete me.  And after each heart break I would be left feeling used, because I would give completely and they would hold back and then leave me void.  I just KNEW each time it would be different, this guy is different, this guy will love me for me, this guy is the One.  But it was the same old story every time.  Then I started asking… Why do you love me?  Ohhh that was so stupid of me, because for one, guys just don’t talk like that naturally and fumble with the words and two the answers was often superficial.  “I love you, you are beautiful, and you don’t know it.  You have these blue eyes I can get lost in, your hair is like the yellow sun, you make me feel like no other has ever”.  Ya, that is all lovely, sweet, poetic even, but not what I was seeking.  I wasn’t sure what the answer I was looking for, so it was kinda like a trap. I wondered how was it that I could pay attention and know each detail about a guy that amazed me and tell them the things that made me want to love them, but they couldn’t give me a deeper answer about me.  I think I hated those words “I LOVE YOU” because it was hard for me to believe anyone could really love me for who I really was, because I did not love me and felt unlovable.  But as much as I hated those words, I still wanted to hear them and try and believe them.  Try to see myself threw their eyes, taste it and feel it, I was so craving it.  Even still to this day when Josh says “I love you” when it is not the goodbye line or hello line, but when you know he is saying it genuine, I wonder why and I half don’t believe him.  A few days ago I asked him to write me a love letter and tell me why he loved me on his lunch break.  He said he could do that,  and asked for me to give him the paper to take with him.  Yes that was a trap right there.  Because I did not want to ask him to write me one, I want him to just do it on his own, from his own heart, and to ask for the paper to write it on, come on, that is about pointless.  Needless to say I did not get him the paper and he did not write the letter.  But I think I really need one from him.  I need to see we are still in love, that we still love each other and that we will be different from our parents and be able to love our children as we was not.

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That day in church when I heard the song for the first time “Jesus Lover of MY Soul” when it started to click,  I knew it was true.  I cried and cried threw the whole worship service.  When I ask God WHY he loves me, he gives me truthful answers.  They are not the superficial ones I was so used to.  Yes, I do see the Bible as one big long love letter, written with ME in mind.  I make it personal because it is!  He fills that void others left in my life.  He was that Love I was seeking and yearning to hear about all along.  He was waiting patiently for me to come to him, to understand it and to love him back.  He is that picture of Perfect Love, the Love we are supposed to get from our Fathers, the Love we are supposed to get from our friends, the love we are supposed to get from our husbands.  He is the standard we are to teach our children to look for when thinking about love in life.  He is so much more than I can even describe within the context of this post.  His love is not selfish like we find from others here on earth.  And because he loves me I know I can love others.  I can not hide the love he has given me, when I am over flowing with it, I can not be selfish with it and hold it back, I have to share it!

  

Jesus, lover of my soul
    Jesus, I will never let You go
    You've taken me from the miry clay
    You've set my feet upon the rock
    And now i know
    
    I love you, I need you
    Though my world may fall
    I'll never let You go
    My Savior, my closest Friend
    I will worship you until the very end