What to write and what not to write.. that is the question... *wink*
I think it is ok for me to start writting in here again. I think I acomplished what I set out to do while away and have gotten some of my stuff n junk worked out. Some of it, not all but some and that is a start.
What started this spiral down turn in my spirtual life? How did I allow myself to get to the place I got and am I fully recovered yet?
Good questions I have been asking myself. If anything God will teach you a lession about yourself, and if you fail to learn it, then that stupid walk you shall go around that mountain in the desert. So ofcourse I want to learn what ever this fire was all about the first time, so I do not go threw it again. Ya that would be real fun.. NOT.
What have I learned? That I need to walk with God always, not sometimes, I can not walk a line of inbetween. It is either all the way or no way. Will that make me a freak.. well all ready one so no better freak then a Jesus Freak. I had lost my zeal I had at one time, I let my guard down and let some of the desires of this world seep into me. What I was left feeling was a fool. A fool for wanting what I could not have, a fool for beliving in some tiny corner of my heart that I could become more than what I wasn't. A fool for playing with fire, and getting a burn that will leave this lovely scarr. Yes I know that is all kind of coded... but this is more for me than any of you *wink*. (not that I have this big following or anything so no one will mind)
I know what helped in kick starting this spirutal havic was my mom's surgary but that turned out real well so why would that effect me in the way it did? I also know Josh being away for work as long as he was didn't help me much and now that he is back home some thing is still amiss. I got used to not answering to anyone and now that he is back, having trouble settling back into that relationship we had before he was gone. Silly huh?! But I know it has not just been ME, he too has been distant and even COLD at times! It is like we are feeding off of eachother's bad vibes. But I feel this is starting to subside, especialy now that I am trying to refocuse, and it is fadding not escaluating. I don't know what to say, some ppl think we have this lovely perfect marrage and like uphold us to this standard and if I even give a hint to them that I am facing something they shrug me off, like it is in my head and oh how can I even be thinking such things, we are so perfect. WHAT EVER! God is the only one who knows the real deal and all that is going on, I dont even have a total grip on it. I know my husband spending $80 on porn didn't help me much or him shooting down my attempts to flirt and make advances didn't help my self estem either. But I also know getting in to my garage and digging out those old memories of how I used to be fed into the poor young stuck wife act I was doing. I used to be so valued, so wanted, so desired, I am used to getting what I want when I want it. YET, I was also used to suffering for being that selfish person and also got hurt along the way. If anything I like to pride myself on is being a good friend and always being there for those who need one. And that has been overwhelming me lately too. Seems like each of my friends have some life changing trama going on and they need me, if anything to just listion. So how can I even let loose all I have been going threw on them when it feels so petty in compairson? I have tried to talk with Amy and if anything that begets more anger because she is in that place where she hates men and is supsious of them all. It is no fun when one of your best friends and your husband are not getting along well. I always want to have the right comforting words to say, I want to be that go to person, but I also want to have my own needs met too. I know I am not good to anyone or to God when I loose that focuse, when I am not filled up with the Spirit and put on that old ugly flesh I used to wear so well. And that is the pinical of it all, I acted as I shouldn't and it killed, I feel, my witness to some one I care for. How can I ever talk with them about God now? How can I! Oh the wonderful conversations we could of had, yet we didnt focuse on that did we. That is my real losss.
DC TALK/Ablum: Jesus Freak/Song: What If I stumble
[the greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]
What if I stumble?
What if I fall?
Is this one for the people?
Is thisone for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need your love in their lives
Compromise is calling
(chorus)
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose
On the narrow road you’ve carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt I’m feeling
(repeat chorus)
What if I stumble?
Everyone’s got to crawl when you know that
You’re up against a wall, it’s about to fall
Everyone’s got to crawl when you know that (2x)
I hear you whispering my name [you say]
My love for you will never change [never change]
(repeat chorus 2x)
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my god
Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?
We have a friend who did a dance to that song. Its a neat song.I think yes its true a man has to be careful with a womans feelings. The jewish sages say never make a woman cry as they are tears from God. They say God can not hear a mans prayers if he makes a woman cry. There is a lot of scripture to that. I think that a husband needs to cherish a woman and take care of her. Todd definitly does not believe that a man should have his wife work. Believe me WE KNOW debt. I will write a bit about debt and getting out. !!!!!!!!!! WE Have been there. BUT one thing for sure we are not judging Josh for his addiction to porn though if it hurts you that is reason enough not to do it. But he really cant ask you to get a job and force you to leave your children for someone else to take care of (believe me Tracy works preschool and daycare and sees no matter how good intentions an dhow much they love thier kids there is not the connections with mom as there is for the moms who stay home) when that is the the JOB GOD gave you , If he is going to spend money on porn. I mean the whole thing is that if money is tight he can not ask you to go to work for him to give $80 to other women. SEe what I mean. Its just not right. I know he does not see it this way. I think we all stumble and we all fall and some more than others but Ithink some of what we call stumbling is not really stumbling. We blame ourselves and we call things sin that are not really. unless it takes food off our plate unless it takes moms away from thier babies and children. believe me Rachael who is 16 still needs me at home every day. Ask Tracy how she feels about mom being home and she is 23. Lori
ReplyDeleteWhat a precious person you are, Mary. You are so open and honest, so caring and loving. Don't be so hard on yourself. We are but imperfect people, hon, and God, who created you, knows the whys behind your words and actions. The wonderful thing about our relationship to HIM is that HE doesn't withhold love when we screw up. He doesn' t pile on accusations making us feel worse than we already do. If we ask His forgiveness it is ours for the taking. He just says, "Go and sin no more."
ReplyDeletePorn is a vile thing, and flirtations are too. The devil has so many marriages on the rocks these days. People do have a bad habit of viewing us unrealistically. Like thinking you and Josh are beyond making mistakes, beyond temptation. But remember it is their problem, not yours. I am confident that once you get back the one-to-one with GOD...everything else will fall into the proper place.
*Note* forgive me if you already got notice of my new journal, A Little Bit Of Heaven. I sent out the regular announcement but many people said they didn't bet one. Wanted to make sure you did. Love ya. *Barb*
Yes, sadly we do stumble once in a while. But, God is always there, waiting to pick us up and dust us off. What an awesmoe Father! God bless, Beckie
ReplyDelete