The weekend Recap.. It was a heavy emotional one for me.

Wish I could of wrote this last night when I wanted to, when it was all fresh and all the details was right there in the forfront of my mind.  It wasn't a very depressing weekend like I thought it was going to be but it had it's moments.  I love Josh's mom and I can see the wear on her face from her missing her own mother and her seeking her own place in this world.  Josh was going threw her medican cabnet looking for some asprin and yelled out (very rudely I might add) MOM WHEN DID YOU START TAKING WELBURIN? OMG I thought he knew?!  He assumed it was for her to quit smoking, she said she took it for about a month but stopped because it didn't seem to make a differnance. (that is scarry, they say you shouldn't do that, it can take several weeks for you to feel any better on those meds)  I had to wisper to Josh why she was taking them, and kinda slap him verbal because I KNOW I told him before that she told me she was on depression meds.  He shruged his shoulders and said that maybe HE blocked it out.  I know Ruth lights up with pride when ever we come to visit.  Her grandkids are the joy in her life right now I think.  I know when we left we stopped by her work at a nursing home to say good bye and she showed the kids off to her co-workers and they all said how much they heard about us lol.  But that has got to be such a hard place to work at, I called it Old PPL Jail because they have it locked down tight, you can't get in or out with out being buzzed in.  Ya, I know that is for saftey, but still.. There was a lady that the little ones kinda brightened up with talking to her and showing off thier dollies.  Josh said the saddest thing is that will probly be the highlight of her week.  I am brain washing my kids as we speak to NEVER put me in a place like that, that I wiped thier butts when they was babes, they can show me the same care at home when I may  need it.  But that is a differnt subject.

I am still trying to find my spot in the family I guess you could say.  I don't want to try too hard but I do want to make an effort.  Some times I feel like I am in the way if I try helping out with stuff, like cooking and cleaning up and other times I feel the stern gaze of Josh's eye telling me to pitch in and stop sluffing off.  Ruth and I are very differnt in many ways.  She is neat and orginized and clean, I am not, I am a slob and don't stick to a plan.  I do not know how to cook from scratch or even some of the more easy recipies.  I know she goes all out when we come to visit and I can feel Josh's disapointment when we get home and I can not cook like her.  I took pics and video of them making the home made noodles and me asking a bunch of questions on camera, so later when I want I will have the detailed intructions.  It seems easy enough, but forsome reason it feels intimidating.  What can I say, I just never learned that stuff!  As we was making them I told Ruth that we brought her the job adds for our area and that the next time we should bring her an apartment guide.  Josh got a smirk on his face and said well we could always just look for a bigger house, and Ruth said she was kinda thinking the same thing but ofcourse she would have to have her own entrance. Um.. o.. k..  Not that I don't want to have my Mother In Law living close to me, but in the SAME HOUSE!??  Like I said I am a slob and she is not, so I think Josh sees that if she lives with us it would be more of an insentive for me to be a clean freak (as if) about the only good I can see come out of it would me learning to cook and maybe some sewing.  I am fearful that if she did move in with us we would not mesh and there would be resentment.  I know she had tried this with her older daughter and that did not work out well.  Josh assured me we are not half the slobs they are (but still).  We have been living on our own for almost 10 yrs now and adding a parent into the mix so early? I have always planned on at least one of our parents ending up with us, but that is when we are much older and the kids are moved out! I think I will have to leave that all up to God and pray over it.  He will work it out perfect no matter what.  We really do feel she needs to be closer to us and could find better work in STL.

The family gathering portion was nice.  We do this every year so I am getting more familar with the ppl there and the kids get bigger and bigger every year.  This is Josh's Great Grandmother's Brother's side of the family (I think, something to that effect) and other distant relitives.  Not much from our imediat family, everyone lives spread out and we all got together for the funeral back in March so they couldn't come for this.  The gathering is at a small comunity center in town.  On one of the walls they have these brinks that you can get with some one's name on for a donation.  My kids asked if we got one up there for Granny yet. (awww)  Ruth said that is a good idea but maybe next year we will arange it, too fresh to do it now.  Dorthy's presance was defently missing and she and all the others who passed was remembered in the blessing (many teary eyes).  The food is always pot luck and always very good home cooking!  Ofcourse the noodles was a hit!  It was Granny's specialty I think.  The best part is after the food is eaten and cleaned up we have the awarding of the door prizes.  There is one for those who travled the farthest, one for the biggest family, the most grandkids, the oldest person, and the youngest person.  Every year has a theme.  Last year was bird houses and this year it was baskets.  We won for the biggest family and Ruth for the most grandkids present.  It was soo funny, and I have it on video so it can't be denied later, Ohma, the one who does the annoncments, a sweet fiesty old women, when she annonced that Josh won for largest family she said " He is the sexy one of the family aperently" LMBO but she corrected herself and said um I meant fertail one of the family.  Josh was soooo RED!  And this brings me to something that has been nagging at me and bugging me about Josh!  I can count alteast 5 times in the last two weeks that he has seen a baby and said he wishes for another one!  DO YOU understand how much that kills me inside???  I would love another baby, I want another baby, but he is the one who took that chance away by getting fixed and he should not be talking like that, especialy infront of me.  He said he was just getting a baby fix seeing all the new borns lately and he didn't really mean he wants another one when I suggested him getting a reversal. Ya, I know that sounds crazy, me wanting more kids when we barely get by with the 4 we have, but I can't help myself.  It is not like I ever wanted a big family, infact I said I would never have my own and would adopt lol after I saw in health class how they came out. 

Another beautiful and emotional part of our trip was church.  We have visted this church just about every time we go over there to visit.  It was Granny's church and Ruth goes here and there I think.  She did not come with us this time because she wanted to get some stuff cooking for the reunion.  This church is alot bigger then ours, 200 plus congragation.  A fairly new building.  A good mix between older and younger generation, I think there is that tug of war between contempary and traditional worship.  The Pastor they had just left not two weeks agao.  It was very sudden.  I really like him too and I know Dorathy loved him very much.  So this congragation was hurting very badly it seemed.  You could feel the emotion and the spirit thick in the air.  They had a guest Pastor from a few towns over come and preach about United We Stand, Devided We Fall.  The Worship music was also along those lines too.  I think some ppl really needed to hear those words and it was From God.  It also spoke to me too.  It was the most beautiful thing to see over 50 ppl go up front and kneel at the steps they have up there as a make shift alter and praying over each other and weeping.  I KNOW this is not a norm for this church and a break from the tratitional thinking.  I hope God will heal those hurts that are deep there.  They are a great bunch of ppl from what I know of them but I will miss that Pastor that left.  Something they also do a bit differnt from my church is they do comunion every service.  Mine is kinda only on specail occasions, not sure why that is.  And tearfuly the worship leader said DO NOT take part unless you are strieght with God (or something to that effect).  I had to really think about if I should take part or not.  Did I have any unforgivness laying in my heart?  Was I walking with the Lord today?  Was there anything that I still needed to confess to him before I took his body and his blood into myeslf?  I had forgive the person who had hurt me deeply, I figured what better example would there be to this person of How God works in lives if I could do that, and beside, why stay bitter, no good in that.  God brought forth to my memory the conversation I posted here and how while I was confessing to him that he told me he was bringing me into new understanding of Grace and Mercy.  So yes I took comunion confidantly. 

As they played this song called "For Those Tears I Died" I prayed for that person who hurt me, asking the Lord to reveal himself to that person and heal them of those hurts.  I could not find the full song to post here, only a small quote from it.  I know I was bawling threw the whole service and I was well fed.  If you know it, and know the full verson, post it for me.

"And Jesus said, "Come to the water, stand by my side; I know you are thirsty, you wont be denied. I felt every tear-drop when in darkness you cried, And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."