Thank you sweet friends for your encouragement and kind words and prayers. My last post was me revisiting some of my memories. Believe me when I say I do know I am forgiven for all I have done and I do not bare that old guilt and shame anymore. If I did I surely could not write about it so openly. God is so awesome and I am thankful for all he has done in my life. When I write on these things, and I am going to because this is what is going on with me right now, I am not fishing for comments or sympathy, I just need to write to get it out of me. But I do invite comments, it is nice to get feed back sometimes. I share because many do not realize all the pain that goes along with that choice called abortion. I write because I want to share my story and show my point of view and perhaps open eyes along the way. I write because it is part of my healing, to be able to bear what is hidden deep and bring it to light and see what it really was. I write because God has enabled me to write about it.
That last post focused on the father, Chris. I don't know what would of happen if I had kept the baby, never will. But there was other options never presented to me that could of been taken.(and yes I am angry I wasn't shown another way) Adoption is a wonderful gift and if I could of had time to wrap my mind around the idea maybe we could of gone that way. Or if I had kept the baby, that doesn't necessarily mean having a relationship with the father, he wouldn't have to of felt trapped as suggest. Either way there are better choices to make then abortion, aka killing the baby.
I was thinking about my post abortion counseling I had gone threw. One of the questions was how you felt about the father, what was his role. At the time I did not give him much thought at all. He really played no part of the decision, he really had no say. I think he may of been passive aggressive that way, but maybe not.. society says this is only a women's issue, men have no say or rights. And that is bull!!! Another lie. I have seen men grieve and cry for the child that was aborted, for that lost opportunity to be a father, to know their flesh and blood was cast aside so carelessly. Men suffer too. I have known of men who suffer because they did play an active role in it, even pushing for it and later after they came to realize what was lost and could not be taken back, that shame, that guilt eat at them. Men are built to be the protector and provider and abortion goes against all those things. Just as women are made to be nurturing and life givers, abortion goes against that instilled instinct.
I don't want to sound like a broken record in my journal and be boring, but hey this is my place lol. And my regular readers know this is not all I write on. It is just with having to give my testimony soon I am leaning heavily on things I learned when I did the post abortion counseling and Bible study. You think you can put it behind you and get past these things.. and for the most part I have with the Lord's help but some times it is good to revisit the past, to remember how it was, to see just how far you have come.. and boy I have come along way but I think I have more to go still. It doesn't hurt so much anymore to talk about it or think about it.. like the song I just love says.. Less Like Scars More Like Charter. I am planning on getting that song and posting it soon.
I tend to internalize these things and this is the place where I can let it loose. Some things I just can't say out loud yet, some things I just cant talk to Josh about. (and yet I can in a public journal that I know he reads.. go figure)
Like the thoughts about how it was just my birthday.. I didn't say what I was really thinking.. She deserved to have a day of birth too.. but I never gave her that. Or like how today I was noticing how big my son is getting. He is almost a young man, getting ready for puberty soon. That in of itself is scaring me.. a teenager, yikes, where did my little baby go? (ok he has a few more years before he is really a teen but it goes fast) As I was looking at him I thought, She would be a teenager now, she would be a big sister. I hugged him tight, wishing he was still a baby, but also I was giving my son a hug that I will have to wait to give to Beautiful when we meet in heaven.
These thoughts shadow me now and then. Sometimes it comes on strong and I am struck and some times they just creep in and I invite them to stay. It is loosing a child, mourning that loss. If one of my children who are alive today had died, God forbid, imagine the grief I would be going threw. The only difference is that kind of grief is OK in society, it is recognized, but the grief over an aborted child, no one sees that because it is not talked about,it is hidden pain, it is ignored or people don't want you to grieve about it, they will say things like..oh honey you did what was right for you at the time..don't feel bad or they may think.. you didn't want the kid then, why are you crying about it now. THAT drives me crazy.. because I DID NOT do what was right for me or what was right for that child at the time.. it was WRONG then and it is WRONG now.
When you live out of God's will for your life there are consequences that effect you and others long after the fact. I am living with those consequences now.. almost 13 years after. But I am also living with forgiveness and knowing I am loved and am set free from having to feel shame, that Jesus took that upon himself on the cross.
THANK YOU JESUS.. THANK YOU!
My ex claims he was trapped though at the time it was his decision to keep the baby. I had no idea what I wanted to do for sure. I know a few men who now claim though the woman said it was up to him and he did ot have to be responsible they were trapped. They are young too. That doesnt mean he would have. But many do even not matter how hard the woman tries. You are right it should be just as much a mans decision. IT really should. Yes I am sure each reminder b days and kids aging is one that you always look back. I am wondering myself how manyb days and things are missed if I had not used hte pill and todds vasectomy to stop Gods natural God given process. I know that now studing the pill that it cuases early term abortion. Its sad adn I hate it. We also spilled Todds seed jsut as was done in the old testimant. I wish So bad that I had known more also. Lori
ReplyDeleteyou are right about sin having long term consiquinces. i know that this is a little off the subject, but it shows how sin can affect people forever. the story of lot is a perfect example. when the angels came to visit him in sodem and gomarrah he chose to send his daughters out to the men instead ofthe angels. he didn't trust to put it in God's hands, this in itself was a sin. then when his wife looked back at their old life this was another sin. then when the daughters got him drunk and "preserved his seed" this was a very big no no. according to a history teacher i heard preach once, the two sons that his daughters bore him were the fathers of what is modern day saudi arabia, and modern day jordan. as this message was preached i thought wow, thats pretty long term. sin does not just affect the here and now, but it can taint generation upon generation. thank goodness now we have Jesus' blood to put our sins under, but if you look at this nation as a whole, you know that our sins will one day be the down fall of this nation. we are no where near what we should be and it doesn't look like we are getting back close to where we should be. sending blessings and love, jess
ReplyDeleteWe've all sinned and fallen short of God's glory. That's why we ALL need a Savior. Thank you Jesus Christ!
ReplyDeleteI am proud of the way you have handled your journey through this difficult situation... with love, faith, and grace.
ReplyDelete~Erin
I'm very glad to hear this...I did think you were very guilty and I was worried...sometimes typing doesn't make things clear and im sorry i made you feel you had to clarify that. I know i hate when i have to clarify things in my own journal. Kiss!
ReplyDelete