Just two more weekends left in Jan! Wow!

This month flew by.. where did it go?  I thought I had more time, more time to write what I need to, more time to prepare before I went before my church to talk about Silent No More, more time before the big event.  I hadn't really said a thing to anyone out side this journal and a handful of people in my off line life until last night. Honestly I have been putting it off, thinking about what to say and how to write it all out and keep it to the min. 3 minuets.  Avoiding? Maybe.  Not that I haven't been thinking and praying about it, and ofcourse this brings up all sorts of memories and emotions, and my old nature wants to stuff them and push them away, but I know that is not healthy.  Really I thought there was more Sundays to go before I asked to get up there and to ask people to come out to the Silent No More event.  I should get a new calander.. that is partly how I lost track.  It is not like I HAVE to talk to people at my church about it, it is not required, I could just go to the event and not even let anyone I know know about it.  Writing is so much easier for me than public face to face speaking.  But ofcourse.. I feel compelled to.  I want to open eyes, I want to be used by the Lord, I need that support from my church family and how will they know if I do not say anything.

To be honest with you all I have not been to church for three Sundays in a row.  Last night was the first time I went to church in what now feels like forever.  There is no deep reasons why I haven't been going to church.. excuses maybe.. out of town.. kids acting up and I didn't want to deal with them in public, or just plain sleeping in.  Church is not a required thing, but it is a necessary thing I think for a Christian to go if they want to have a closer walk with the Lord and stay focused.  Church ofcourse like I was telling some one last night is not a building but a spirit.  You can have church anywhere at any time.  Church to me is fellowship, worship, and being fed the Word.  A place where those you love and love you hold you accountable. A place to gather as a corporate body and worship together. A place to minister to others and be used in your gifting or a place to be ministered to by others. 

Last night was just what I needed when I needed it and I regret that I was away for so long.

After service I asked my pastor Bill if we could talk for a few min. Well he isn't the pastor any more of the church technically, he is now just part of leadership, I haven't even heard the new designated pastor preach yet, but I hear he is good.  But like many, I will always think of Bill as my pastor, a safe person to go to.  He baptized me, he counciled me and Josh on marriage when we first started attending, he is just a real special person to me and I feel I can be open with him.

I was just so moved last night, and as I started to talk to him and tell him how I wanted to be more involved with the changes going on at church and how I have missed coming, and that I didn't want him to think we was leaving, I just started crying and got all chocked up.. I don't know why, that wasn't even what I had pulled him aside to talk about.

When I composed myself enough to get to what I had wanted to talk about my mind went totally blank. I felt like I fumbled with what I was trying to say.  My shyness was starting to get the better of me for no reason. Bill is a friend and I should not have a problem talking to him.  It would be like stumbling to talk to my own brother about something.. just silly.

But I pushed threw and reminded him of my testimony and how part of that I shared I had an abortion and that I felt God had made that my personal ministry to others. To use me where I have been hurt the most.  I told him about Silent No More and how I was getting involved with that and wanted to ask for a some time to talk to church about it, to ask for support and prayers and encourage others to come out, and how nervous I was because there would be media there. Bill is so wonderful and tender and he told me that his own mother had an abortion and didn't tell any one about it until much later in life, so he could understand, and he also told me not to worry about media, that we all know how well I do with them, referring to when my niece was kidnapped. (I needed that reminder, I had forgotten about that).  He asked when I wanted to do it, this Sunday?.. NOOOO lol  I org. wanted to do it the Sunday before the event, to give good forewarning. So I told him not this Sunday but next Sunday.  The event is Feb 6th and ofcourse I couldn't remember the time, I am thinking 2:30. I also asked if I could get something in the bulletin about it.  He said he would talk with Pastor Riche (the new guy) about itand that maybe after worship was over and before the message I could get up there.  I also told him I was a bit jittery about getting up and talking because there are all these new ppl who do not know me or anything about my testimony, I am unsure of what their reactions will be. He said this will be a good thing, a good way for the others to get to know me and what the Lord has done in my life.  He is so supportive.

OK. That part is done. Now I need to compose what I am going to say and remember to keep it short to the point and not preach a whole message myself lol