God, I love this Man!

"I support you, but I can't understand it"

After the kids were sent to bed last night, and a pause from the comercials durning ER, I gazed at my husband as he clicked around his Biker Forum on the computer.  I bit my lip, thinking how to bring the subject up.  I think he has avoided my journal, but he knows what I have been writting on.  He shouldn't need to read my journal to know what is going on with me, I should just talk to him, I kept thinking to myself.

"Honey, do you plan on going to that "thing" with me next Sunday? And if so, are we taking the kids too?" I finally asked, getting his attentoin away from the computer.

"Ya! Ofcourse.  Unless You don't want us to come?"

"Noo I do, I do! I need you.  You have been wonderful.  It is just we really havn't talked about it, I kinda just do things with out asking how you feel about it."

"I know.  I support you, I know you need to do this, but I just can't ever understand it."

(I took that wrong, him not understanding.  WTH was there to understand right. But I have been dwelling on it for a month in my head and just asume everyone in the wolrd lives there with me and can read my mind)

"WHAT Does that mean! You can't understand why I have to do these things, why I have to talk about it, why I have  to be outspoken?!!!" Anger was starting to well up in me.  Maybe missed placed anger.

"NO, you took that wrong.  I don't know why we dont talk about it.  It happen before I even knew you. BUT  I do support your healing and Know you have to do these things as part of it.  But I can never begin to understand what you went threw or how deeply it has effected you. I don't think I will ever understand that"

Dang so much for that fight I was trying to pick. That deflated what ever I was thinking and tears started to well up in my eyes.  How did I ever come to deserve such a wonderful man?

What do I want more, undestanding or support.. or both?

It just isn't fair. Sometimes I feel like I am this broken person with all these issues, and he has to put up with me.  And he has become so good at it too. I shouldn't feel guilty for what happen to me in my childhood and teen years, I don't blame myself for them anymore but I feel like it isn't fair to him. He deserves so much better than me.

  I just need to remind myself that I do deserve his loveand support, that I am not a cracked clay pot anymore, that God is doing a mighty work in me and my life.