"I support you, but I can't understand it"
After the kids were sent to bed last night, and a pause from the comercials durning ER, I gazed at my husband as he clicked around his Biker Forum on the computer. I bit my lip, thinking how to bring the subject up. I think he has avoided my journal, but he knows what I have been writting on. He shouldn't need to read my journal to know what is going on with me, I should just talk to him, I kept thinking to myself.
"Honey, do you plan on going to that "thing" with me next Sunday? And if so, are we taking the kids too?" I finally asked, getting his attentoin away from the computer.
"Ya! Ofcourse. Unless You don't want us to come?"
"Noo I do, I do! I need you. You have been wonderful. It is just we really havn't talked about it, I kinda just do things with out asking how you feel about it."
"I know. I support you, I know you need to do this, but I just can't ever understand it."
(I took that wrong, him not understanding. WTH was there to understand right. But I have been dwelling on it for a month in my head and just asume everyone in the wolrd lives there with me and can read my mind)
"WHAT Does that mean! You can't understand why I have to do these things, why I have to talk about it, why I have to be outspoken?!!!" Anger was starting to well up in me. Maybe missed placed anger.
"NO, you took that wrong. I don't know why we dont talk about it. It happen before I even knew you. BUT I do support your healing and Know you have to do these things as part of it. But I can never begin to understand what you went threw or how deeply it has effected you. I don't think I will ever understand that"
Dang so much for that fight I was trying to pick. That deflated what ever I was thinking and tears started to well up in my eyes. How did I ever come to deserve such a wonderful man?
What do I want more, undestanding or support.. or both?
It just isn't fair. Sometimes I feel like I am this broken person with all these issues, and he has to put up with me. And he has become so good at it too. I shouldn't feel guilty for what happen to me in my childhood and teen years, I don't blame myself for them anymore but I feel like it isn't fair to him. He deserves so much better than me.
I just need to remind myself that I do deserve his loveand support, that I am not a cracked clay pot anymore, that God is doing a mighty work in me and my life.
awwwwwww Those men are few and far between. Wish I could find one for Tracy. !!!!!! If you meet one send him here. SERIOUSLY Lori
ReplyDeleteI think josh is such a doll. God has certainly blessed you mary.
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