What's Been Milling Around In My Head.. past memories

When I have talked about my abortion I often focus on the baby or the impact it had on me.  I have almost never talked about the father.  I don't know why.  It was his baby too you know!  I guess I needed to heal first before I could even consider him.  Also it is hard to remember a time when I was with any one but Josh.  I love my husband so much, he is the center of my world, next to God.  He knows he was not my first and that I had several sexual partners before him (how shameful that sounds now) and I know I was not his first either.  It is just not something we talk about.  If he reads this I want to remind him again how I wish I had waited for him, how wonderful he is and that old me was so stupid and selfish.  I cried after we had sex as a married couple, I don't know how to explain it any better then it is different, it is more special, it means something.

Beautiful's father is named Chris.  He was a one night stand. I was moving away to Wisconsin from Las Vegas, I was on the rebound from a relationship that was destructive and on and off again.  I was a self centered 15 yrd.

When I first met Chris I was just moving in to our new apartment.  A downstairs neighbor boy had befriended me and was showing me around the complex that included a pool and club house.  He pointed Chris out to me and referred to him as Eddy Munster.  Chris was a wacky dropping acid stoner guy and ya he did have some what a resemblance to Eddy Munster lol. But over the year I lived there he kinda blossomed from scrawny to build and confidant. Deep brown eyes, shaggy brown hair, cupid lips and always always dressed in black.  He was the dare devil of the apartment complex, he was the one always in trouble ofcourse with the law. (how is that I always got involved with those types?) I didn't really know him well, just from his reputation.  The first time we really hung out was when a group of us broke into a vacant upstairs apartment and held a importune party.  Chris was stoned and dropping acid.  He was doing flips off the balcony and freaking the crap out of me and everyone else.  The balcony was very high up you know.. dummy could of broken something.

At that time I was with Mike. I will not waste time describing him, just know I thought of him at the time as the love of my life and was waiting for him to get out of the boys juvenal jail he was in. Oh the long love letters and the silly things I would dream on for when he got out.  He did get out, it was not all magic and finally I got a clue.  But some how or another while he was IN Chris and I had became friends, just friends.  We would walk to school together here and there, skip at his apartment with friends.  He never was a love interest for me. Oh we flirted, but that was how I was, I flirted with everyone.  He had asked me out once and tried to wooe me sort of, but I insisted I loved Mike and that was that.  To my HORROR, when Mike got out some how him and Chris became friends and started hanging out together. Thick as thieves as the saying goes. Crazy. Remembering kissing Mike in the hot tub with Chris looking on, knowing he liked me, basically I was torchering the guy for no other reason because I COULD.

Mike and I broke up before all this other drama came upon my family.  It boiled down to my family hated him and he hated them.  I loved my parents and couldn't stand him talking crap about my mom and dad. WE had a very loud brake up in the apartment complex.  When he shoved me agents a wall, that was the END.  He still tried to hang around but I avoided him and locked myself away in my apartment.  Then my parents was kidnapped and forced to drive to their work to be robbed, the SECOND TIME.  That was it for them, they quit their jobs and mom moved us to Wis. and dad stayed to get us on our feet again so we could move back.

It was just before the start of summer.  I HATED the idea of moving to the back woods and protested deeply.  Before I left I had an old friend from JR High come and visit. We lived on opposite sides of town so we never saw each other.  I wanted to show her a good time and show her how cool and popular I had become lol. Knock Knock on Chris's door. He and a friend was more than happy to drive us around and his friend used his older brothers ID to buy Strawberry Hills.. how many teens have gotten in trouble off of that stuff lol.  We decided to go up to Red Rock, drink up there and take in a sun set.  The climb was more than I had bargained for but it was lovely up there on the high cliffs that over looked Las Vegas and the desert. We drank our wine, BSed.  My friend was not into Chris's friend at all and she was ready to go. Not me.. I didn't want to go home yet and then Chris started kissing on me. Then our friends went down to the car as we stayed up there to make out.  I had no intention of having sex with him but I was doing that whole escaping thing and wanted to stall on going home to reality.  That whole NO means NO thing kinda was out the window and I just gave in.  I wont say I was raped but I certainly had not wanted to really sleep with him, but being drunk and not thinking, I had stopped pushing him away and just let it happen.  Gawwd knows I had teased that boy to no end the whole year.  And that is how and where Beautiful was conceived.. but I had no clue at the time.

I moved but no strings attached to Chris, we didn't become a couple. We did promise to keep in touch and hang out when I got back into town.. I was told it was just for the summer at the time.

When I did figure out I was preggers (a story for later) I knew it was Chris's, not Mikes.  Would that of made a difference if it was Mikes? YES, to me at the time it would of. I had wished it was his, even though we had broken up, I felt more for him then I did for Chris.  A baby with him would of meant something. But not with Chris, a one night thing.  My mom asked me if it was Mikes, because she had said in all likely hood my dad would go looking for him (that was a scary thought to me) and ask him to help pay for the abortion.  For a week I let her believe that it was his but it ate at me and I finally broke down and told her it couldn't be his.

I had called Chris and gulped as I told him I was preggers, it was HIS, and that I was likely getting an abortion. If only he had reacted strongly, if only he had said no, that is my baby, please don't.  But He was just a stupid kid too. And apparently this was not his first child, two other times he had gotten girls pregnant and they had gotten abortions.  He didn't push for it one way or another.  He said he was just numb, in shock.  I didn't really talk to him after that until I returned back to Vegas.  But I did cry alot.  I cried as I told Mike that I was pregnant and that it was NOT his. Mike cried too.  Why I even bothered telling him I don't know, but I know if it would of been his he would of at least FELT something about it.

When I did get back to Vegas I called Chris, he had moved around but some how I got ahold of him.  I had shoved the shock of the abortion deep down and him and I never talked about it. We started dating kinda but he didn't live very close and it was a pain in the butt to see each other... why I tried with him I will never know.  Maybe out of guilt and wanting to keep a connection to my baby.. well and he was HOT too.  After he had stopped calling me I gave up and moved on to better things.  He claims he couldn't find my new number and asked why I didn't call him. What ever.  The only other time I called him was to yell at him for giving Mike my new number.  I had started seeing Josh and just wanted to drop all that old stuff and move on.  And Chris and I have never spoken since.

I only wonder about him now.. if he is a father now, married, or is he in jail, rehab. I wonder if he thinks of me and the baby we had.  I wonder if he thinks of the baby at all. I robbed him of something, fatherhood.  We will never know what we could of been capable of because we never gave it a chance.  He had it in him to be a father, he was good with my friend's little brother and his siblings kids.  I know I may of painted him askew with my memories I just wrote out, really he was a wonderful person who did stupid things.  If I ever do talk to him again I want to ask him so many things, but above all for fogginess.  He was into Satanism and such but I pray he has come into a relationship with the Lord.