Getting it out of the way just incase I can't post next week..

I want to finish up my reflections before next week.  In all likely hood my DSL will be temporally disconnected and on the new plan I am on with AOL I only get 5 hours a month of dial up.. omg that is nothing!  So needless to say I will not be online via my computer if the DSL gets cut for awhile.  Thankful I did keep ABP and can check and correspond threw e-mail that way and post voice entries (short 3 min. ones).  So look forward to hearing my lovely voice in the near future.  Ugh that reminds me I need to mess with my address book because when I say screen names the stupid system doesn't want to recognize what I am saying, so I have to add friendly names to the ppl I KNOW I want to voice e-mail with.

On with the post.. again I say ****If any women reads this and is also post aborted, you may find this painful because it may remind you of your own abortion.  I beg you not to shove your memories down but to face them.  There is help out there for you to deal with this traumatic event in your life, where you can find forgiveness and start to heal.  Many crisis pregnancy centers offer post abortion counseling. Look in your phone book and find one. Believe me once you face your feelings, your hidden guilt and shame and grief, you can start to heal. Or e-mail me and we can talk more.****

I stopped at a very hard memory, going into the exam room at the clinic. When I started to write on it last I had happen to remember a detail that I had continently blocked and lost my nerve. Details that I will only put here and not include in my verbal testimony. One week to go and I still haven't written out what I am going to say at the event or what I am going to say tomorrow at church.  But tonight is the prayer meeting I organized and I know that will help.  Pray that the roads here in Saint Louis will not be bad tonight, we got snow last night and are still getting some flurries.  But I digress..

I was lead to a normal looking exam room that had the sterile smell and was told to undress and put the gown on.  I was only 15 and never had been to a GYN exam before. I wrinkled my nose at the stainless steel implements laid out on the tray by the exam table.  Women, you know what particular interment I am thinking of. Remember the first time you saw it and how you felt the first time it was used on you? Multiply that anxiety by a 1000 and you will get a clue what I was going threw. To this day when I have an exam I make sure not to look at the trays they put out.

I would say a few weeks before our move to Wisconsin I had symptoms of an STD but my mom thought it to be  just a run of the mill yeast infection. You will recall in a previous post how well treatment for a yeast infection went over with me.  I was still under the impression that it was a yeast infection causing me such discomfort and when the abortionist came in to do a quick vaginal exam before the procedure I told him such.  The abortionist (I refuse to call him a doctor) was an old man, balding with a thin strip of white hair combed over, and had big glasses.  He was abrupt with me, and very insensitive.  He seemed to be going threw a normal routine and going threw it quickly with out any personal attention to me. I would like to say he took it easy with me knowing it was my first time but the exam was painful, likely partly due to the infection. He informed me that it was no yeast infection but an STD with a funny name that sounded like Trich to me. Trichomoniasis is the technical name for it. I was horrified, an STD!  Thankfully he said it is one of the STD's that is easily treated and would have no long lasting effects.

It is no wonder looking back now how I hated the first obgyn I had when I was pregnant with Zane. He was male also and I felt he was just as insensitive as this abortionist.  I am so glad we moved and I got a female obgyn who I just loved and wish I could of had all my children with her.

When the abortionist was done with his swabbing and poking and pushing on my stomach he left the room and I had another lengthy wait. I know clinics now are required to do an ultra sound to make sure of  accurate gestation time and development (so they know how to charge you) and it sickens me to say, also to make sure they got all the baby parts out afterwards.  If you ever know a women who is about to go in for an abortion, challenge her to have them show her the ultra sound, to turn it so she can see what is inside her or better yet encourage her to go to a PRC for a FREE ultra sound.  My abortion was almost 13yrs ago and I don't think an ultra sound was policy back then. I didn't get one. I didn't get that chance for my baby to audition for her life.

As I waited I was focused on how it sucked that my aunt an RN was not allowed to be back there with me, how I figured she knew all along she wouldn't be able to and just said that to get me there.  I was all alone in that room. I felt all alone emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Not that I was thinking of spiritual matters at that moment in time. God was the furthest thing from my mind. 

The abortionist re-entered the room this time accompanied by a nurse. They had me lay back and told me to relax.  I really was tense and scared.  I think I was borderline hysterical. The nurse assured me SHE would hold my hand the whole time but she wasn't all smiley about the idea.  The abortionist kept trying to get me to relax and explained the needle I was going to feel poke me inside, to help numb me. If it was supposed to alleviate any pain that is news to me. It only added to it. Then he brought forward out of the corner of the room a machine.  I noticed the machine before and was curious about it but didn't let myself really look at it. He attached it and started it up.  I remember it was a loud machine, and sounded like a vacuum. And really that is what it was, suctioning out my small tiny baby from my womb.  The pain I was not prepared for.  It was one of the most hurtful pains I had experienced in my life up to then.  Menstrual cramps X 100.  Basically labor pains with out the fruit of what labor is intended for.  I grabbed the nurse's hand quickly and was moaning out in pain. She tried to quiet me but I ignored her. Maybe I was just pissed off at my aunt or maybe I just didn't like the way the nurse treated me but my pain was to me severe and as I held the nurse's hand I faced her arm and out of instinct, not a conscious thing, I BIT HER.  Yes you read right. I bit the nurse holding my hand. She yelled out in pain herself and in shock.  I bet if she could of she would of slapped me, judging from the look on her face.  That ended the hand holding and any of that promised support from the nurse.

I don't remember how long it all lasted, but it wasn't fast, wham bam.. done.  Maybe because of the pain it just felt like a really long period of time.  After it was done the doctor un did the machine and rolled it out ofthe room.  I didn't dare look at it.  I am still fuzzy on the after part and if I lay on the table for awhile or if I was rushed to get dressed and taken to a recovery section of the clinic.  I still remember the unpleasant look on the nurse's face when she handed me a thick pad to put in my underwear. I embarrassedly told her I had not even thought about having to wear a thick pad after ward and had worn thin white underwear that did not support the pad very well.

I remember having to walk down a hall to the recover section of the clinic guided by the nurse I had bit .  It was a slow walk.. for obvious reasons. In the recovery section were a row of comfy like recliner purple plastic chairs.  I was sat down and monitored. I got incredibility strong chills and was shaking.  I felt like I was sick and had a fever too. A different nurse for that section of the clinic attended me and she was nice, much nicer than the other nurse.  She told me the chills were expected and covered me with a heated blanket.  I was in a fog by then but still aware of what was going on around me. I tried not to listen in on the conversation going on with the clinic worker and the college girl two chairs down from me.  But when the clinic worker sternly told the girl she had to stop coming there because this was not good for her body, this was her eighth abortion, use better birth control, I about died from the shock of what I heard! How could any one do that more than once, go threw all that pain.  I knew that what ever happen from then on I would never do this again.

When I was done with the recovery, at least the physical part of recover.. i am still recovering emotionally and spiritually from the abortion, I was discharged with a prescription and a referral for a follow up appointment.

On the ride home I was curled up in a ball in the back seat. Trying to forget all that had just happen and stuffing it down and away.  When we got home after the long car ride it was dark, way past after dinner time.  My brother and sister had Beth and her boyfriend over playing spades.  That was our favorite pass time.  I was taken directly to bed and my grandmother shoed everyone out of the house, Mary is sick and needs quietness, I remember her saying.

And that is where I am going to end today. That was very hard to write all out. I am sure it was very hard to read to.  Sorry. But it is the truth.