More Memories.. When I found out I was pregnat and how it was decided..

I love my mother.. I really do. When I think of her I think of softness, and sweetness. My mom never was forceful or loud, she was like the yin to my dad's yang so to speak.  My mom did the best she knew how with us, all mothers who love their children do.  At times she was my best friend in life, inviting me to read books with her and just talk.. hugs and love.  When I finally told my mom about the abuse I was suffering at 5, we were watching TV on the couch together, and she was the one who opened up the question.. If any one ever did that to you, you would tell me right.. And as I cried and told her what had happen she hugged me and made me feel safe, getting me proper counseling and taking us out of the situation.  So when I thought of my mom, I thought of Love and Safety.

Looking back on my Post Abortion counseling and reading some of the things I had written then, I can see why I had such anger towards my mother and my aunt.  But my anger was deeply suppressed and I was surprised by it. I was surprised that I had any strong emotions over something that happen long ago. I was angry because my mom, of all people should of been my protector, guided me better.  Angry that no other options were presented to me, or warned of just what I was doing and how it would effect me forever. Angry that if she knew the Lord like she claimed to how could she even of thought this could be a solution to our problems. But I just want to make it clear before I go into more memories, that I have come to forgive my mom and my aunt for any part they played in my abortion and that I have always loved them.  When you forgive some one, you let go of what ever you feel they owe you, you set it aside and move on not letting bitterness eat at you. When you forgive some one, you genuinely want for their own salvation and for them to know the forgiveness of the Lord like you know it. And that is what I have done.

 

We had moved in with my grandma in Tomahawk Wisconsin. I was so angry, so mad that we had moved from Las Vegas. Especially since it was the onset of summer, I wanted to do so much with my friends and I had been taken away from them and my home.  I was promised that it was just for the summer, until we could get back on our feet financially.  My dad had stayed in Vegas to work and save and eventually move us into a new apartment.

Living with Grandma was a big adjustment.  She was demanding and stirck.  For the first time we actually had to do chores and if we didn't she would be on our butts.  I remember how mad I was having to rake up pine needles from the yard, I put on the Black Crowes on as I raked and just reveled in my angry at the whole situation.  She would not let me sleep in or stay in the guest room all day vegging to music as I had planned. "Mary get up, if you sleep all day you will be depressed" What ever! I thought.. I AM DEPRESSED LET ME BE!  AND I FEEL SICK ALL THE TIME! LEAVE ME ALONE!

My Grandma lived far from town. Her house was off Somo Lake and the resort her and grandpa used to own but had later been sold. So there was little cottages in the woods and a lake to swim and boat on.  New owners had just moved in with their son who was a bit older than me.  I really didn't have any friends and there was no cable t.v. or corrner store to walk to, so with the kids who came to the cottages for the summer with their parents I would see how much trouble we could get in together. LOL not that there was much to do but stay out late, play spades, smoke cigarette.  The son of the owners had a girl friend who came up, and she was pregnant.  But they were keeping the baby and living with his parents together. He was still in HS and we rode the bus together later that year when school did start. I became friends with his gf.. Beth.  I remember the Irish Wedding Ring she valued so much and wore always. It meant alot to her, a promise that they would get married some day. So basically I was just being a 15yrd teenager, hating my situation, waiting for the end of summer to go home, dealing with what life had given me.

I never really kept track of my periods. I had gotten my first one Christmas Eve when I was 13. So two years wasn't much time to learn how to keep track and learn about the cycles and all that. I always knew that I would have mine soon after or during my mothers time of the month. I remember feeling hungry all the time, and never being satisfied.  I remember one night having this very big bowl of chocolate ice cream, gobbling it down and not 10 min. later eating a pickle. My grandmother commented then.. If you keep eating like that Mary you will get FAT. To me that was one of the meanest things she could of said to me.. I was sensitive about my weight.  I wasn't over weight but I wasn't bone thin either.  I had hips and breasts and was a contrast to my skinny friends back home.  I was over emotional and that really set me off. I went in my room crying myself to sleep. When I went shopping with my mom we were down the Female Hygiene isle.. it was her time of the month.  Also and this is almost as embarrassing as the abortion but I had this itch that would not go away.  My mom insisted it was a yeast infection and so as we was down this isle she purchased the over the counter medicine for it.(later I found out it wasn't a yeast infection but an STD)  I had paused at the home pregnancy tests. I was looking at them, starting to conect that I may need one.  I was contemplating stealing one but my mom walked up behind me and caught me.  With a bitter frown (not like her) she asked if we needed to buy one. I meekly shrugged my shoulders and answered I don't know.  With a heavy sigh she put it in the cart.  I knew she was disappointed with me already.

Later that night I had tired to apply the cream for the thought of yeast infection. I couldn't do it.  It was just too gross.  I got about half way threw and stopped.  I walked to my mom and grandma's room trying to tell my mom about it and as I went from the bathroom to their room everything started to turn dark and I felt heavy. As soon as I got to her door my legs gave out under me. I had fainted.  If you read the directions on those packages it clearly says DO NOT use if you are pregnant but I was still hoping I wasn't at that point but I think that is why I had fainted.

I remember putting off peeing on the Clear Blue Easy stick. It said on the package to do it first thing in the morning. I made the excuse that it wasn't first thing in the morning.  I don't remember actually taking it or how I told my mom.  She likely was right there with me as the results came in. 

I don't remember telling my Grandma but I remember a feeling that she got distant from me, avoiding me when I came in a room.  That hurt because despite hating being at her house I loved being around her.  She was an artist, a gardener, a musician.  When I was little she and grandpa hand taken me on trips and she encouraged me to draw and write.  I remember drawing a self portrait in pastels and showing it to her, wanting her to be proud of it and complement me but she just shrug her shoulders at it and went on with what ever she was doing.  I hung it up anyway, I thought it was good and deserved displaying.  When she had died a few years ago I got the long forgotten portrait back, she had kept it up all those years.  I cried because I thought she hadn't cared.

My mom knew I hated being in the back woods. To appease me she brought home a kitten the first week we moved in. He was white and gray.  He had a gray spot on the top of his head that looked like an M to me.  I named him Mickey because of the M.  When my mom had sat me down to talk at the kitchen table I had Mickey in my lap. I was holding him and rubbing on his head that produced purrrrrs that soothed me.  I was nervous and scared.  I knew this was a big deal but the gravity of it all still had not fully hit me.  I couldn't comprehend what all it would entail to have a baby grow in me or what it would mean to my life.  I just knew that everyone was disappointed with me. I had made things worse for our family. Our conversation went something like this.. "Mary what are we going to do?  We can not afford a baby, I don't think we can keep it".  "I know. (head looking down avoiding eye contact) But what can we do then.  I know I can barely take care of my cat much less a baby" (heavily stroking Mickey who was trying to get away at this point). "Well, I can not tell you what to do. It is your choice." "If it grows in me, I don't think I can just give it away" (totally selfish and not true, I was just afraid)  "Aunt Dana said she would come up and take you to get an abortion. We have to hurry up and decide, the further along you are the more expensive it will be" (I had no clue what abortion was really)  And that is about all I remember from that conversation.

My aunt Dana in my eyes was well respected. She was my mom's older sister. She was a RN and then later taught at a Collage and my Uncle became the Dean for the Pharmacist department. They had a nice nice house that we had just visited on our way up to Grandma's.  Her two children did well in school and was getting ready to go to college themselves.  I often wonder and got the sense that she looked down at my mom a bit and our whole side of the family for that matter, that my mom had not done as well as she had.  I remember thinking she was cool and out there, liberal from over hearing political conversations the adults had. I looked up to her. So if she approved of it that pretty much sealed the deal for me.

I'll Save the rest for later.. this is getting too long and it is late.