Part of a conversation

I want to write, but I keep holding it back.  I wish to skip it and get to how the Lord has brought Good from it all. To explain how he has indeed healed me and forgiven me.  But I can't glaze it over, it all has to come out in due time.  For some the time or season the abortion took place is the hardest but for me since I don't associate an exact date or month I let myself go threw the emotions in January, the month designated as Sanctity Of Life Month.  That is why last year I wrote so much on it and this year.  But this year I am excited to share and to be silent no more.  Last year I spat out facts and figures and famous quotes, it was not as personal.

I got a chance to tell a friend who I haven't been able to have any lengthy conversation with in a few weeks about Silent No More and how I will be participating in it.  I sent her the website first, because it is kinda hard to explain just off the top of my head. I invited her to come to the event with me, not to speak or stand but to just be there as support. I know this friend of mine is post aborted, we have had conversations about it before and I keep encouraging her to go to the local PRC for the post abortion counseling and Bible Study or do it with me since I have been threw it and I have the book. I even got her a copy of the book Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane.  But she is not ready I think.  She is still in avoidance.  She says she has given it over to the Lord and he has healed her but I know this study would help her so much.  I think the main thing is fear.  Fear of what her family would say if they knew she was doing something like that.  It is one of those deep guarded family secrets that never gets talked about.  Oh she can talk about Pro-Life issues and has taught her children what abortion is and how it is wrong but to talk about her own experience and the hurt she suffered, she can not.  Her comment about the women who are doing Silent No More was something along the lines that they have got Guts and Balls. (Yes she can be a bit brash at times lol) 

She asked if my whole family was going to attend it with me.  To be honest I have NO CLUE.  I really haven't talked to Josh about it or asked him directly to come.  My husband, who had nothing to do with me getting an abortion because it was before I knew him, has really been good to me during thistime.  I don't know if it is because he just doesn't know what to say or I haven't really opened up to him about it.  He went with me a few years ago when I spoke and gave a testimony at a service for aborted children and he held my hand. He provided a way for me to go to the post abortion counseling and stayed home with our  children when I went to the sessions. He understands that this is important to me.  It is also my way of appeasing his demand that I DO NOT go to the abortion clinics and stand out side of them but find another outlet.  Sometimes I wish this wasn't such an issue in my life, because I think it sometimes takes away from my family, because it is uncomfortable to talk about and I internalize it.  I know I need to change that. 

I told my friend that if my whole family went I would at least have to have a sit down conversation with my older children.  To her to tell her children about her abortion is unthinkable, it would be too scary for her.  She has raised them to be so pro-life she is afraid of their response. Plus she thinks frankly it is none of their business. I have read some articles off the Silent No More website about if and when you do talk to your children about your own experience how to go about it, but it is different for everyone.  I think Zane is mature enough to deal with it and maybe Annie. I remember telling them something about it along time ago but they were little. I have told Zane he has a big sister in heaven and he will meet her one day. His reaction was one of surprise but excitement that he would meet her in Heaven.  I told my friend that if and when I do tell my children about it that I want to make it a lessen in compassion and redemption.  To show that ppl suffer because of abortion and have deep hurts but also that threw Jesus there is healing and forgives.  That Jesus can forgive even the most guilty of sinners.  Also I do not want any of my children to repeat my mistakes and have them know that if they are in that situation that abortion is never an option to even think of.  Some of the things the website said to expect is anger, and confusion and maybe even them pulling away a bit but to let them process it and be open to always talk about it and answer their questions honestly based on their maturity level.

So with me going to talk in front of church this Sunday I am kinda preparing myself to talk to the kids next week. But ofcourse I want to talk to Josh first. See how abortion doesn't just affect the women and the child that was aborted, but the whole dynamics of her future relationships too?